Sexless Marriage? 10 Questions to Ask Before You Leave


Are you thinking of leaving your sexless marriage?

You are not alone, even among Christians.

Some of you won’t do it, but the thought still hangs out there.

Should have…  could have…  would have…

… echoes of regret over years invested in a relationship that is starved of the very sexual intimacy that is a hallmark exclusive to marriage.

The one place sex should happen often is commonly the place it happens least — or not at all. I hear from men and women in sexless marriages, and many of them are hungry for a way out.

Their pleas generally look like this…

“I am going to leave after our youngest graduates from high school.”

“There is someone at work who actually wants me, and I can’t even get that kind of attention from the person I married.”

“I’m so done.”

“My wife thinks there is nothing wrong with our marriage, but she has no idea.”

“My husband never wants to make love to me, even though I constantly show him I want to be with him sexually.”

“Our friends and family think we have a great marriage.  If they only knew.”

“I stopped sleeping in our bed because it was too difficult to be that close to the one person who could give me sex but won’t.”

“I can count on one hand the number of times we’ve had sex in the last decade.”

“I figure I’ll just get a divorce and ask for forgiveness later.”

This is a searingly painful topic to address, and no matter what I say, there are no real winners.

Are you thinking of leaving your sexless marriage?

Before you do that, I encourage you to look at your situation and ask yourself these 10 questions:

1. Is your marriage truly “sexless”?

I imagine this question stings a bit, because you wouldn’t even be entertaining a post like this if you didn’t feel discouraged — maybe even desperate — about sex and your marriage.

If you and your spouse are struggling with whether once a week or once a month is enough sex, then I think you may have a frequency battle — rather than a sexless marriage battle.

Many marriages face disagreements about sexual frequency. Many.

I’m not minimizing the frustrations with frequency battles.  They are real and mighty and present in countless marriages.  But having sex once a month when you really want it 2 times a week can hardly be considered a “sexless” marriage.

When I say “sexless,” I mean outright refusal for months and years on end, with no willingness from the refusing spouse to address the matter or make healthy changes. One person has arbitrarily taken sex out of the marriage and even gone so far as to try to make the refused spouse feel guilty or selfish for even wanting sex in the first place.

I couldn’t put a number on what counts as sexless, but I implore you to discern if what is going on in your marriage is a frequency disagreement or a barren wasteland of no sex at all.

2.  Is the refusing spouse struggling with depression or other mental health issues?

Depression (and a host of other mental health struggles) are real.  When they take a toll on a person’s ability to function and interact in healthy ways in their relationships, then the person needs help.

There is no shame in mental illness or in getting help for it (sadly, our society and the church have not always acknowledged mental health struggles as authentic or as serious as they actually are).

If a refusing spouse is mentally sick, you as their spouse owe it to them to do a courageous thing — strongly advise them to see someone (a doctor, a counselor, etc.) who can help equip them to better function in life.  If they are hesitant about that, offer to go with them or to help make the appointment.  Emphasize that you love them and want to support them in not just coping, but in thriving.

A married couple committed to working closely with doctors and counselors can nurture intimacy amidst such struggles, so that the relationship is not irretrievably damaged.

3. Is the refusing spouse physically unable to do anything sexual?

I know this should go without saying, but if your spouse is permanently injured or suffering from chronic illness that makes sexual activity impossible or extremely limited, then I really don’t think you can classify your marriage as “sexless” in the truest sense.

I’m not saying your road isn’t excruciatingly challenging.  But the words “in sickness and in health” have got to stand for something.

I remember a man I knew whose wife was dying of cancer.  He shared with me that she had admitted to him that it grieved her greatly that she couldn’t be available to him sexually.  You know what he did? He reassured her and loved her and lived his vows until the day she died.

Though challenging, it also can be extremely rewarding and edifying to stand by a spouse who would have sex if they could. But they can’t.  Sometimes couples in such situations demonstrate a better understanding of authentic intimacy than couples who have not faced such challenges.

4.  Have you really exhausted every attempt to make your frustrations and pain known?

A sexless marriage usually doesn’t happen over a short period of time.  It is the result of an unhealthy pattern perpetuated long enough that it has become the “normal” in the marriage.

If the lack of sexual intimacy in your marriage has persisted, don’t assume that “hinting” or being passive aggressive or yelling is going to enlighten your spouse to make different choices.  If anything, that approach will likely just get you more of what you have been getting — no sex.

You have to make your concerns and needs and pain and frustration known.  One way to think of it is this: “What do I need to say to my spouse so that there is absolutely no doubt that they know I am hurt and our marriage is suffering from the lack of sexual intimacy?”

Answering that question probably means you’re going to have to be brutally honest.  Speak in the I.  Speak your pain verbally and write it all down as well. Do it with firmness, but not harshness.  Let your pain show.

Risky?  Hell yes.

BUT it’s also risky to try to sustain a facade of marital harmony.  At some point, you have to lay all your cards on the table and let the pieces fall where they may.

After making your pain known, express that you want things to get better and you want the two of you to work on that together, no matter what it takes.  Counseling (individual and as a couple).  Marriage seminars.  Exploring physical reasons (such as hormonal imbalances) for diminished sex drive.  Reading marriage books together. Making changes in your schedule so you can spend more time together.

Whatever it takes.

If your spouse won’t go with you to counseling, go on your own.  Not only will you gain valuable insights from someone trained in helping marriages, you also will demonstrate to your spouse that you are committed to exhausting all possible avenues to make the marriage stronger.

5.  Is the marriage trying to heal from a deep betrayal?

If one or both people in a marriage are actively in the process of healing from a past pain, particularly past sexual abuse and/or adultery or porn addiction, then I personally think it’s understandable that sexual intimacy may be slowed or delayed in the midst of such journey.

Key is that both people are committed to the marriage being healed.

Hopefully, if you find yourself in this situation, you and your spouse see the value in resuming sexual intimacy within a reasonable amount of time.  This is a realistic expectation, because sex is part of marriage.   If the betrayed spouse has decided sex will never happen again, I question whether that person is genuinely committed to the marriage being healed.

6.  Have you looked closely at your own heart and asked the Lord to reveal where you have been careless with the marriage?

Do I think it is okay for a spouse to indefinitely withhold sex?  No.  In the same regard, though, I think we each individually carry a responsibility for the relationship.  God even goes so far as to outline the responsibilities of a wife and a husband in His Word.

Are you at peace with God that you truly are doing what He has called you to do in your role in the marriage?  If not, I urge you to humble yourself before the Lord and seek first His commands instead of pouring so much energy into what you hate about your marriage.

7. Have you sought the counsel of other mature Christians?

Bailing on a marriage, for any reason, is a big deal.  Our society makes it out to seem like it really isn’t, but practical experience and a boatload of research and buckets of tears tell us otherwise.

When two people are knit together in what they thought was a “forever” commitment, especially a covenant commitment of marriage, and then the bond is dissolved, the fallout is often tragic.

Before you leave, take your pain and frustration to 2-3 mature Christians you trust.  Men should confide in men, and women in women.  Choose mature Christians who will listen non-judgmentally, pray with you and for your marriage, not bash your spouse, study God’s Word with you and keep all conversations in confidence.

Be specific and transparent with these mature Christians about what is happening in your marriage.  “We haven’t had sex in three years and this is the pain it has caused me.  I’m not sure I want to be married anymore.”

Ask those Christians to pray for you, with you and for your marriage.

These kind of relationships are priceless when you are contemplating the state of your marriage, especially if you are thinking of ending it.  They can often offer a more objective view and suggestions that you had not considered because of your deep pain.

8. Have you prayed?

Here’s the thing. I can’t answer the question for you of whether you should leave your sexless marriage.  That is something you and God have to wrestle about.

Ending a marriage is not a light decision at all.  As such, I would encourage you to spend tremendous time and vulnerability pressing into the heart of God and His Word.   I’m talking about your personal time with the Lord, not the time you spend at church or in your group Bible study.

9. Have you followed biblical teaching and confronted your spouse about his or her sin of sexual refusal?

1 Corinthians 7 is clear.   God tells husbands and wives:  Do not withhold your body from your spouse.  If your spouse is withholding their body from you sexually and you have tried to address this with them privately to no avail, I do think you are  biblically supported in going to your spouse with at least a couple other mature Christians and shedding light on the sin.

Is this easy?  Well, of course not.  Rarely are accountability issues easy.  They are wrought with our human nature to defend and justify, rather than walk in humility and welcome the opportunity for repentance.  But if you are at a point of ending your marriage, then first follow the biblical model of accountability.

10.  Have you made it clear to your spouse that you are thinking about divorce?

If you have made repeated attempts to address the issue in a variety of ways and your spouse has not responded, and you are thinking divorce is where you are headed, you should tell your spouse this.

Don’t dance around it.  Don’t say it in a tone that is threatening, but rather in a humble tone that expresses your deep pain.  Clearly express and outline your repeated attempts for the two of you to address and heal this area of sexual intimacy in your marriage.

And if you are feeling things are at a breaking point, don’t rule out first legally separating.  Sometimes this distance can be a catalyst toward incredible healing and restoration within the relationship.

Are you thinking of leaving your sexless marriage?

It’s abundantly clear in God’s Word that He fully intended and designed marriage to include sex.  It is a “given” in His commands and Word that husbands and wives, as long as they are able, should not only have sex, but have it often.

Any believing Christian who would try to argue otherwise is clearly walking outside of God’s will.  While each marriage is unique, I do think that a refusing spouse who has consistently withheld sexual intimacy from their spouse for no justifiable reason has in a sense already left the marriage.  Is divorce always the right choice in those circumstances?

Honestly, I’m not sure.

What I do know is the above questions will help you dig deeper.  And I do know that God is a faithful God, well aware of your pain and heartache and deep need for reliance upon Him.

Are you thinking of leaving your sexless marriage?

What are you going to do with those thoughts?

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Copyright 2015, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.

121 thoughts on “Sexless Marriage? 10 Questions to Ask Before You Leave

  1. Troy says:

    They say a sexless marriage is not a marriage at all, and I have to Agree! But I’m the type of guy who just doesn’t care what my wife thinks or anyone else for that matter. Married almost 50years and sexless for approximately 47 years and I don’t care, she could have left years ago. I suggested her to do that but she’s still here now in our 70s enjoy never talking and ignoring each other. Great life !

  2. Heidi says:

    Troy, it must have not been that bad from what I am reading you stayed! Get rid of all that resentment and hate and make the remaining years count ( read Mikes comment on “why sex on special occasions is not enough”) for possible inspirations.

  3. Bill says:

    While I would acknowledge that the post is trying to help preserve marriages, it seems like just more guilt to heap upon someone who is truly miserable in the marriage. The following statement from the author basically says everything —

    [I’m not minimizing the frustrations with frequency battles. They are real and mighty and present in countless marriages. But having sex once a month when you really want it 2 times a week can hardly be considered a “sexless” marriage.

    When I say “sexless,” I mean outright refusal for months and years on end, with no willingness from the refusing spouse to address the matter or make healthy changes.]

    So what really has to happen before one can legitimately complain is for your spouse to go “months or years on end” without sexual activity — then, and only then, can the frustrated partner truly have a complaint.

    I would suggest that many Christian men, obviously not a majority, but many Christian men actually abstain prior to marriage and to them, marriage is supposed to me about a type of intimacy which is otherwise “perverse” outside of marriage. So after waiting to engage in sexual intimacy until marriage, the man now has a wife that he has committed to loving for a lifetime, but all passion is gone. For years he tells himself, “I will be okay even if she does not enjoy sex, so long as I can have sex at least once per week”. For years, the two persons have pitch battles about how he “only has one thing on his mind” and is so selfish for thinking about sex at “a time like this” — only every day is “a time like this” for the reluctant spouse. So when she does give in — that is what it is — a prisoner giving in to get the deed finished in the shortest period of time possible.

    I would suggest to the author that the “frequency battle” is much, much more than an issue of frequency. I am not a counselor, but I suspect that most men who complain of lack of frequency also complain of the guilt and the arguments that go hand in hand with the sex battle for a number of years. An only when this miserable existence has evolved to a sexless marriage for “months or years on end” is the male (and occasional female) somehow justified in the desire to leave.

    It’s blog articles such as this one which create so many cynical Christian men — and so many miserable Christian men, because after reading this, their wife will say, “oh he’s not sexless, we’ve had sex twice in the last three months. Don’t feel sorry for him.”

  4. H says:

    I think about leaving all the time but I never will. Since the wedding, my wife’s lack of restraint in spending has drained our savings and put us in massive amounts of debt. We only have sex a handful of times a year which has been her normal for all of our marriage. She doesn’t like sex and knows there is nothing I can do about it. If I divorced her, I would lose everything. If I cheated on her, she would divorce me and I would lose everything. I’m getting too old to start over from scratch. There is no way out of this dead marriage other than ’till death do us part’. So, I just dream about divorce but I could never go through with it. She led me into the trap of marriage with promises of a sexlife and never followed through… and now I can’t get out.

  5. Trinn says:

    As Bill said so effectively, the “frequency battle” is about far more than just frequency, and yes, namby-pamby, tip-toey, pop-psych churchianity articles like this continue to drive real men away, away, away from 501c3, State-inc., Caesar-created churches, and away, away, away from state-licensed, gynocentric marriage contracts. I know Jesus Christ is the Son of God and my Saviour, and I just divorced a terribly frigid (and constantly nagging) wife. I did all the steps you outlined. However, the step I most regretted doing was taking fellow believers to confront my ex-wife about her willfull frigidity. I forgot that the default setting for brainwashed modern American churchian is to blame the man and forgive the woman no matter what (see FIREPROOF, etc). With brainwashed Ahabs and Jezebels like that populating American “churches” anymore, a husband actually makes a wiser and more biblical decision if he skips this step, if in a position of being held hostage such as I was. Yeah, it was frequency, all right. An appalling lack of frequency, getting worse all the time; although she did a great job of defrauding me early in by pretending early on to be very interested in sex. Then, poof, reality set in. I felt the agonizing, demoraluzing attrition of long, long bouts of desert wasteland sexless periods. Finally, dry and parched and totally demoralized, and all done with talking to her and watching churchian friends make excuses for her and simultaneously come down on me for some mysterious failing of mine that they could strangely never identify (somehow “not loving her like Christ loves His Church” was of course thrown around a lot–the upshot of which means they sought to render her feeeeeeelings as the actual head of the marriage)–nah, I finally realized that if masturbation was the only way I could have sex more than once a season, that I could go ahead and do that all by myself and at least cut myself loose of the nagging baggage, thank you very much.
    Churchian are either too terrified or too gynocentric, or both, to EVER confront a woman of her sins in this collapsing culture.
    MGTOW. That’s all I can say. MGTOW. Let the feminists, the PUAs, the welfare, the tradcucks, all eat the seed corn of society–MGTOW eats no seed corn of anything. MGTOW simply walks off the plantation altogether. Do your own stoop-work, women. We’re done.

  6. Dave says:


    I understand and sympathize with your pain. I’m middle aged man and in ministry. My wife and I have been married 21 years with 3 now adult children. Our sex life has come to a grinding halt! We have had incredibly heated arguments about lack frequency and QUALITY of sex in our marriage. A sexless marriage is less than 10 encounters within a year. In last 12 months we went out to eat and to the movies more than we had sex. Two things about this situation really bothers me.
    1. The anger and resentment that grows in me towards her. She loves to laud about how I should be more loving and take out on dates, buy her flowers, surprise her with gifts, etc. SO SEX IS REWARDED IF I DO AND WITHHELD AS PUNISHMENT IF I DON’T????

    2. My wife’s lack of acknowledgement of wrong doing in this area. She knows what the Bible says but acts like she doesn’t care.

    I’m tired of being angry and of the shame of having to BEG for something that is mine! I know I’m not the only one that feels this torment of abuse from the one you’re supposed to be one with. Women or do this to their spouse are in SIN PERIOD!!!
    I love my wife and I don’t know what is going to happen but I KNOW I have no intention of living like Troy and going decades like this. Please pray for me.


  7. G says:

    Wow I soo agree with you all, and may I add that I feel so much resentment and anger, I have given n given , but get nothing in return it’s been at least 7 years, and at least 1 year since she’s asked to sleep on the sofa cuz she uncomfortable with me… Soo unfair and now I’m old at 56 who’s going to want me now?

  8. emely says:

    Thanks so much for your comment. pls. can someone bare me out? Am married for 20yrs without a child and within the first ten yrs of our marriage my. husband took pleasure in women outside than me there by having sex twice in four months.. Now for the past ten yrs i have just been in the house like a statue he had seek verious ways for solution but to no avail. Pls am dying in silence can someone come to my aid?

  9. emely says:

    emely i mean he became impotent for the past ten years and both. medically and otherwise has been tried for solution but to no avail.

  10. Anon says:

    Hi group,

    I am 31 and have been with my partner for around 4 months. I am confused as to how we have drifted into a sexless relationship. it has been nearly 2 months since there was any intimacy. I asked if things were okay and he says yes, but its as though he is not even interested in me. We have a child together (we’ve known each-other for 4 years) so I want to make it work… but I feel unnattractive ( though I get complements from other men) and I feel resentful…
    I don’t want to leave but I don’t think I can stay in a relationship that is making me feel this way.

  11. Mary says:

    I am at such a lost of words but I will try my best. I can’t live like this anymore. We have been married for 9 years and I can’t remember the last time we had sex. My husband has a fetish and will please himself. He resently told me that he has no sexual desire to be with anyone, the thought of sex is gross to him. He is only aroused by his fetish.

  12. Danny says:

    I agree with Trinn!!! I’m so tired of trying do you know that I don’t even ask anymore! That’s how long it’s been at least oral sex PLEASE, something I would even take a hand job from her but ofcourse that’s way out of the question, how long well I can’t remember but we have been married for over 30 years and been a good man to her, I have provided n took her out n went on vacations, bought her cars I even did a second tour in the Marine Corps because she wanted to go back to camp Pendleton, I ve tried I have tried I don’t know what to do anymore, but I do know this I have been thinking of leaving and finding a small place for myself, don’t get me wrong she’s a good wife as she’s told me ” I’ll cook n clean but I’m NOT that girl”! Wow I do think you all get the picture and to you ladies that read this and right away assume that I’m probably a porn guy or unclean or whatever you the reason a woman would think of not to have sex with her husband, all I can say is no I’m not n yes I’m clean n no I’m not overweight, n yes I treat her good I haven’t stepped out although I do get tempted when other women look at me with a smile n want to talk, but even though my wife withholds she doesn’t deserve that after all I do love her still it’s a lonely existence!

  13. D says:

    Hi I’m Danny and I feel you all, I really don’t know what is going to happen with us we have been married over 30 years, yes that makes me an old guy, but I still have lots of hugs n kisses to offer but she has told me sex is out of the question it has been a long time since I’ve felt wanted or needed over 10 years, so you can imagine all the rollacoaster of emotions that go through me, and what hurts even more is that when she believes I’m sleeping she relieves herself I can hear Her moaning and heavy breathing and even explicitives I don’t understand why, I have tried to be a good man I’m here for her I’m not overly heavy I try to stay in shape they say I’m handsome but she can’t or won’t see me, it hurts so much especially around Christmas cuz I get her what she wants n I get nothing nothing how can she be like that, yet she says she loves me just won’t have sex with me, please if you guys have a any suggestions please post them , I’m to the point I’ve been shopping for 1bdrm houses just for me that would be perfect, but I still love her and am still hoping that she would want me too I have been waiting for several years what should I do “give up” we have been seeing a councilor for years to no avail, I’m scared I’m 56, I’m frustrated, resentful, lonely, it’s not fair! The other day a pretty woman smiled at me n asked how I was doing? I felt so flattered and even shy it felt genuine from her I can’t explain all the positive feelings I’ve felt when she spoke to me it was nice , well GodBless you all and if someone has any advice for me please do so I’m Danny

  14. D says:

    Again WOW coming from a sex starving husband it’s soo hard to understand how your husband can say no to you beautiful ladies by choice.

  15. Steve Darnall says:

    Re: “Once a month is not sexless.”
    In our 30s we used to be once a month or so (12 times a year, sometimes 2x a month than nothing for 3 to 5 months). By 40s it was less, by late 40s we would go 6 or 7 months without sex.
    I found it more frustrating to go once a month. That was just enough to keep me in strong desire for her. After 4 months I actually want her less. Then having sex gets me all fired up again, so for me to be affectionate without it being sexual and to think of my wife first and not be fighting resentment, NO sex is way better than once a month. My wife will offer “access” at times, but for me making love/ sex is more than having access to my wife’s body. I want her to want me, otherwise it doesn’t seem different than vaginal maturbation. Over the years I have had many women at my different jobs show interest in being physical. I have never been tempted, but had wished my wife had that interest.
    Also what helps when I am desirous is to take sleeping pills.

  16. Doug says:

    Perhaps I’ve overlooked the responses, but I’m dealing with a 64yo wife who apparently CAN’T have sex anymore. She suffers from several crippling physical problems, depression, and now appears to have had a few minor strokes that may have brought on cognitive impairments as well.
    Her first experiences with lack of sex drive were about 20 years ago and she even tried male hormones to overcome it! But after the overion cancer, total hysterectomy and chemotherapy, she just finds it to uncomfortable and is totally disinterested in any form. And yes, she’s tried just about everything to make it more comfortable. Several of her meds list lack of sex drive as possible side effects as well.
    So many people talk about partners who will not try or refuse to seek help, but she has to no avail. I miss sex, plain and simple, but how do i stay committed “in sickness….” when my needs are so overwhelming? Yet to leave her now would be unthinkable. Some days the Serenity Prayer just doesn’t seem to be enough.

  17. ML says:

    The husband and I have had sex twice in 9 years. He has developed a porn addiction that he admittedly prefers over the real thing. In the beginning I was much more sexually aggressive than he, which always made him uncomfortable. We’ve been married 18 years and have come down to being housemates coparenting 4 children (3 of which are adopted). He is a deacon and Sunday school teacher and I am the children’s minister: going to another mature Christian in our area would be like posting it on the front of the church bulletin. Our small town has 0 respect for confidentiality. I have prayed over this situation for years. It’s likely he is having non physical yet inappropriate relationships with other women. He’s a handsome 6’6 guy and thinks very highly of himself and believes others should too. He is in Atlanta for a conference this weekend and informed me that he and 1 of his younger female colleagues were going to the braves game, hmmmmm. Maybe different for me than many of you is that I have lost any and all desire to have sex and now the thought of sex with him is almost nauseating. We have brought up divorce but neither of us have the guts to follow through. We’ve talked about the sexless-ness and he’s (we) even been to a therapist to no avail. He really doesn’t think it’s a big deal. In our state sexless marriage is not grounds for divorce. We all can agree, this totally bites! Who would have thought we’d spend years of our marriages sexless?! Not I. During my childhood, my parents were always grossing me out with their sexual innuendos towards one another and I hated it and swore I’d never do that to my kids… um I guess that’s what I get. Now at 40 I get to covet the 70 year olds’ sex life. awesome

  18. Joel says:

    @ Bill above regarding major effort to, or successfully abstaining from sex until marriage and it’s relation to “frequency”.

    You could not have said that better. I am one that fits into that category, and have been teetering on the brink of divorce, married for 10 years with 3 children.

    The expectation was absolutely that by abstaining, or making major efforts together to abstain sexually until after marriage, that there would be a “reward” on the other side. That God would honor that attitude and those actions. It was difficult, as we were both intensely attracted to each other, and my wife expressed that. The result? Day 1 of marriage honeymoon disaster, no sex followed by intense arguments about the lack of interest and priority for it. Then followed by “frequency” incompatibilities, and it always being on her terms. “I have to study, I am tired, whatever the reason”. Then came pregnancy, kids, nursing, up all night, another kid, repeat 3x, fast forward 10 years.

    We are trying to work it out, but the biggest mistake I made was that I was not vocal enough, being too sensitive and caring to her circumstances, making excuses for her such as “she’s tired due to pregnancy, up nursing, etc.” which enabled her to become more selfish and have this idea that “everything is fine”.

    I could go on and on with the whole story, but I wanted to point out that Bill has a very good point about it not just being about frequency. 1-4 times per month, depending on the month, and usually with a “i’m tired but fine” is sexless to me. Your wife not initiating or showing much or any interest unless it suits her is also a factor.

  19. D says:

    I’m tired I e tried everything but still no intamacy, she says she loves me just won’t have sex with me, what does that mean? Is it over do I keep trying I don’t even ask anymore for sex in over 7 years, I do want it but she doesn’t maybe I’m just no good in bed lol I don’t know anymore, I do know that I don’t think that she wants me we have been married over 30 years, I haven’t stepped out on her I love her too, I guess I’m just soo tired , and to make it worse I retired a little early hoping things would get better, but I find myself at home bymyself a lot

  20. Joe says:

    I really don’t understand wanting to leave a marriage because of a lack of sex but I also don’t have much of a drive. I really say the drop around 47 and now at 50 I can say I really don’t miss sex and don’t even really want to try it. It’s a feeling of freedom I never thought possible. The chains of the biological drive have been cut and all of a sudden your eyes are opened to a bigger world. If something happened to my wife I would find myself single somehow no way would I pursue another marriage or girlfriend. I have no desire to put myself in a situation where I was expected to perform again.

    I see a world of tunnel vision when it comes to sex. Everybody is obsessed about it. In TV and movies it’s the main focus of every show. Everybody is focused on getting some. Even in kid’s movies the jokes aimed at the parents in the audience are sexual.

    Baby boomer’s ruined this world. We are now seeing the results of the 60’s free love culture and it isn’t good.

  21. Dan says:

    I miss making love to my wife, we haven’t touched in over 7 years she doesn’t want to , for about a year she didn’t want me sleeping with her in the same bed, I know what your thinking I cheated right? But I haven’t I feel I’ve been a good man , I provide I’m patient, she doesn’t like talking about sex so I try to keep my distance, it’s just so hard I still love her, married over 30 years, I have so many thoughts that go threw my mind, I don’t think that she wants me, man I miss just plain sex it’s been soo long! I try to look good for her I do things for her , dinners, movies, road trips, I’m not bad looking former Marine but I barely get a peck on the cheek nothing else I don’t know what I’ve done wrong, why doesn’t she like me? And now I’ve just about given up the only thing is I’m older now I’ve given her most of my life, and if I leave I will be in the same situation ( lonely) please give me advice, and pray for us, thank you, and I know I’m not supposed to but sometimes my mind wonders and when my nieghbor smiles at me n stares I wonder but I shouldn’t I guess I’m just lonely and need a woman’s touch to feel wanted , I wish it would be my wife

  22. Bill says:

    Wow. I left my first comment months ago and figured this was a dead post. While hearing other testimony similar and worse than my own is sad, I can’t help but see the testimonies as glory to God. Only men [and women] wanting to please God and live a life worthy of His grace would endure this pain. Not to suggest some non-believers would endure, but in this culture, tolerating marriage without intimacy is primarily a Christian issue/problem. I don’t know the answer but God breathe his love into us all. — Bill.

  23. Claire says:

    I am in the same situation. My husband chooses his fetish over me. I took part a few times….what a mistake that was! We have been married for over 16 years. I think the hardest part of being with him is that I can not compete with something that is not real. It will always be just what he needs, never make a mistake, never have a bad hair day! The thing I hate most is when he lies and says that the reason we are not having sex is that the meds he is on make it hard for it to work. It always works for the fetish stuff. I am totally stuck where I am I will be miserable till I die!

  24. Kee says:

    I feel like I’m in a sexless marriage. I’m a woman who has to beg her husband for sex. He claims the stress of being in the Marine Corps is too much and taking care of the family is stressful. Basically like he doesn’t have time b/c he’s tired yet he has time for call of duty! This puts me at a place for sin. I’m no adulterer but the thoughts do come to mind. Like should i consider divorce? It might seem petty to some but??? He is a good provider and father to our 1 son [4 months old] we do go to counseling every week & i do see some changes but not intimately! I cannot and will not live the rest of my life like this im only 25!

  25. Marc says:

    I am sorry you are going through what you’re going through.
    If he’s doing what you’re saying and doesn’t think there is anything wrong with it, I would seriously question his salvation and commitment to God. And he is NO deacon in God’s eyes and sounds very arrogant and prideful. Both are abomination in the sight of God.
    But wait “you can’t judge!” To that I say Mat. 7: 1-2 is always taught out of context, because all we need to do is look at verses 3-5 to clearly see it is talking about hypocritical judgement not righteous judgement. Anyone that questions that do a word search on judging and judgement, God is not against righteous judgement. trust God’s word over man.
    And your husband’s fruit is not that of a Christian nor lines up with the word of God.
    A so called “deacon” and so called “Christian” thinking and justifying pornography and hanging out alone with another female is fine is truly delusional.
    Mat. 5:27-28 states that looking at another in lust is adultery and also states in 2Tim 3 “men shall be lovers of their own selves,….proud…”
    So much Scripture on this I would bring to his attention if he still justifies or twists God’s word I would seriously pray about it.
    Read 1 Corinthians 7, Your husband is in sin and is defrauding you of what is rightfully yours and in verse 15 it states. “15 But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace.”
    He doesn’t sound like a believer or follower of Christ and His Word.
    Him hiding under the banner of “deacon” & “church” makes me sick, and is taking the Lord’s name in vain. Claiming to be a Christian and not caring and having no fear of the Lord and His word is very dangerous. Fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, understanding, knowledge, etc etc
    I wish you the best and pray he repents and gets right with God and you or God shows you what to do through His word. God Bless
    And Julie with all due respect, if someone actually has 1 much less 2 Christian friends (not just people you see at church) who they can confide in as #7 states they should consider themselves extremely blessed, in this day an age of apostasy and hypocrisy I just don’t see it. I’ve been stabbed in the back so many times, laughed at, and shunned by so called Christians believing they were my “brothers in Christ” And I have to respectfully disagree, #9 is misinterpretation of Matthew 18:15-17 and I don’t believe anyone is “Biblically supported in going to your spouse with at least a couple other mature Christians and shedding light on the sin.”
    Go to your spouse with the Word of God and show them, that’s all that is needed to confront them. If they may get mad at you and/or disagree after you show them in a humble manner with Scripture, then it’s between them and the Lord. If they are mad, then they are mad at God and His word and need to pray about it and get right with God.
    No where does it say go with other Christians to confront your wife or husband.
    As well if someone goes to their spouse to confront them with 2 others, whether they know them or not, is asking for trouble. All I see coming from this is betrayal, resentment, distrust and if nothing else a seed of bitterness would be planted.
    I’ve heard this before and can’t find any Biblical justification for it.
    Showing them their error with the Word of God and prayer is all see. If they confide in Biblical counsel with other Christians (Godly men seeking counsel from other Godly men and Godly women seeking counsel with other Godly women) then they should always point them to the Bible and what it says and not rely on their own opinion and understanding.
    God Bless

  26. Doug says:

    Like many I am trapped in my marriage. I’m 40 she’s 43 together 17 years married 16 of them two tween daughters at home. She a stay at home mom. I work outside of home to provide. We had sex 8 times in 2017 so far way lacking and still in the sexless range. It’s boring she just lays there been this way since we had kids. I’m always the problem I don’t help at home enough. Kids are not babies give them work to do. She never touches me, we rarely talk now and sex is so off the table since a fight we had. In my case I am going to get a second side job she know I am looking but the reason might not sink in until it’s too late. Side jobs checks will go into a new account for myself using my works address. When I have a decent amount in there I’m going to time it so that she knows I’m moving out with one month notice so she can find a day job. I am going to keep depositing half my net into her account. That pays for most things, but not enough. I will rent a room and keep working and saving. I’ll be paying her half till my 13 year old turns 18 then a quarter when my 12 year old turns 18. I don’t care about money and stuff I can care less if the house forecloses she had family she can live with if she needs to. I had kids before I was ready, she learned this years later. But hey I was in love with her back then. I can’t say that now. Our separation is coming pretty soon not sure if she will be ready to hear it or not. I’ve been taken for granted all these years as a provider. She’s in 100 percent mom mode and can care less about touching me or having sex. I will be much better off finacally without her.

    Have a great day sorry for my rambling on here.

  27. D says:

    For Emely I’m so sorry for what you’re going through I can relate to this issue except I’m the husband, sometimes I wish you n I could talk and just let out all our frustrations as I have no one to talk to, my wife doesn’t like talking about our issues I guess I just want to hear a females point of view, I love this woman but I’m actually starving for intimacy.

  28. Doug says:

    My wife deliberty does not have sex with me and says no, not in mood or play the tired card. When we do have it which has been about 2-3 times a year she just lays there. I giver her oral she gets her I get on top get mine that’s all. It’s boring, I get no being touched I get no oral etc.

    We have had issues with how often and her being there since we had kids. She won’t let go that I did not want kids but I had them because I was in love with her. So that’s the number one problem she has on me, second I don’t help enough around the house proactively.

    More details, our kids are teens and she is a stay at home mom. She complains on a site called disq that’s she’s married and lonely.

    More details, we had a fight she needs time and space. So now I notice some things I was overlooking.

    My wife and kids are online around 13 hours plus a day playing games and my wife is doing social media. No income is made here. They all have addiction issues learned from their mom. She might not be so lonely if she would touch or talk to me.

    I am not home that much gone from 530am till about 6pm working. We just bought a nice house too. Since our fight we don’t talk anymore and I am going to call her bluff for needing time and space to heal.

    Opening a new account today in my name, part of the next direct deposit is going there from now on. She does the bills and will figure out what happened. I’m getting ready to move out rent a room so she can have space.

    She will need a job to make up any bills that half my net income won’t cover. In letting half my net to joint so the kids eat and house note is paid.

    Sadly I had fallen back in love with her and fell out when we had our fight. Oh well so no love and no sex. I’m checking out, I’ll still do stuff with my kids like one day a week but money will be tight.

    Thoughts welcome we have been married 18 years and since kids 13 years ago we hardly had sex and it was simply/boring.

  29. Anon says:

    23 yrs old and married to a man that does not want to have sex with me. He says that physically he wants to have sex, but not with me because i come on too strong. I feel lonely and unwanted. :/

  30. Mike says:

    My wife is wonderful in so many ways, but we haven’t had sex in years and she thinks it’s not a problem. This year I decided I wasn’t going to give up and have brought it up many times and asked her to attend counselling with me but she refuses. The rejection is so painful and it depresses me. Before we were married we weren’t christians and we had a wonderful sex life. If it weren’t for our kids I would probably not be here anymore.

  31. Stephanie says:

    My husband and i havent had sex in over 2 years. And before that we might have had sex once or twice a year. This has been since we have been married since 2009. I have confronted him about this a couple of times and he would get defensive and say intimacy is more than just sex and then give me the guilt trip of saying that i should be happy because he lets me do what i want. He has said that he would go to the Dr and get checked. To date that hasn’t happened. He has told me to not initiate sex, and he would not try different positions. So what the heck am i supposed to do??? I have prayed…i have sought councel from others i.e pastors, which didnt know how to help us. We even went to marriage counseling, that was an epic fail. So, yes, i finally did have a one night stand. I have been thinking about leaving him. Frankly, i dont know what else to do…

  32. D says:

    This is for miss Julie Siebert I have a question, my wife hasn’t been forth coming in over 7 years and I don’t see any concern on her part to bond with me, we have been married over 30 years then all of a sudden she says she doesn’t want sex but when she thinks I’m sleeping I can hear her touching herself I don’t understand she says she hates sex yet she does this! I’m not very great at sex I know that but it hurts to hear her at night I’ve asked her bout it and she denies it, I guess my question is have you heard of “the Jezebel spirit ” and could that have something to do with what is going on with us we are now roommates if that and barely talk I don’t know what’s going on?

  33. Jessie says:

    I may not fit into this “sexless marriage” definition as defined by the author but it still feels to me that I am. We haven’t even hit our first anniversary yet and I feel as though he lied to me and now I’m trapped. He told me I would never have to beg for sex, that he wouldn’t say no. He tells me that he loves me and wants me and that he thinks I’m attractive (all when I bring the situation to his attention) yet he still refuses to have sex with me.
    We waited to move in together until after we were married and when I finally moved in he didn’t want me. I beg, I cry, I get angry. I’m depressed and already came into the marriage with BPD which I made sure he knew before we started dating. The lack of sex makes me feel inadequate and less of a woman. I feel gross and ugly. It’s made me so depressed I have gained weight and am not even taking care of myself the way I used to. Because why bother? He doesn’t even look at me when I’m clothed let alone when I am standing there in front of him letting him see me naked imperfections and all.
    Occasionally he will give in to shut me up and it’s getting less occasional every month. I am afraid to give up since our marriage is young and I want to hold out hope for him, I love him. But he’s a widower and I’m 30. He’s now told me that he doesn’t care if we have a sexless marriage and if he is hurting me so much I should just cut and run. He says sitting next to me on the couch is enough intimacy for him. It’s shredding my soul. The intimacy is needed to feel emotionally connected and he blames it all on my illness.
    Lately he’s been using the excuse that I’m emasculating him because he sees my begging as leading him around by the nose. I’ve asked him to see a doctor to see if something is wrong and to see a marriage counselor with me because I know he is stressed out from having to work out his finances from taking on a family. (I have 2 kids from a previous marriage that I left because he was a cheater and drug addict and I finally couldn’t take it anymore. My kids didn’t need to grow up in such a hostile household.) He refuses to see either. But I am truly afraid that this once or twice a month is already becoming a pattern and I am still young and not ready to give up a sexual relationship with my husband.
    He is not a Christian but says he would be if there was proof but never has he made me feel guilty for my beliefs and we do have discussions about my faith where I have successfully made him think so confronting him about withholding sex is a sin is not going to be helpful.
    I don’t want to leave but I’m starting to feel like I need to. I genuinely feel like he lied. I got so mad once I even told him it was messed up he used me like I was a game. He got angry and rolled over and was snoring in 2 minutes. He’s snoring beside me right now after promising to make love to me tonight and breaking his promise. What do I do? It’s cutting me to my core and it’s not helping me manage my illness, it’s in fact making it worse.

  34. D says:

    Jessie I am soo sorry and I know how you feel as my wife hasn’t wanted me in over 7 years I also try to look good for her and do all I can to maybe get a kiss but it’s been soo long I’m actually losing interest in her maybe that’s what she wants, but what really hurts even more is at night when she thinks I’m sleeping she starts touching herself and when I ask her about it she gets so mad and says I’m nasty she flips everything back on me and makes me feel bad for even bringing it up! But she does that almost nightly and I’m supposed to just lay there and listen if I try to touch her she gets up and leaves the room, so now we are like roommates cuz I am now sleeping in other room cuz I can’t take hearing her do that I m like a starving man except sexually it’s not right, but I love her and she says she loves me too I don’t understand this kind of love I think a marriage should have intamacy and ours doesn’t, Jessie I’m praying for you.

  35. S says:

    I have read most of these post and I understand that frequency is just as important as no sex. I have been with my husband for 11 years and we have had a sexless marriage for 6 years. Nothing in the bedroom a hug a kiss goodnight and that is all. I have talked to him, cried and have put my cards on the table but, to no avail. He is dealing with PTSD some days and anger issues more than not. I have mastered being in love and loving to the outside world but inside I am dieing. I love sex and passion and romance and I make a point to tell him and show him how much he means to me. Nothing happenes. I what to stay but can’t live this way. Any advice as to how to get some help?

  36. Kimm says:

    I am 41. I’ve been married for 19 years. I asked my now husband to marry me because I was afraid of being a “baby’s mother”. I am the child of a former prositute and seduced and molested by my parents and their friends. I share this because for many years I always placed high emphasis on sex. At age 11, I had over 5 sexual partners all over the age of 20. I only realized that these acts were considered rape when I entered adulthood.
    Because I wasn’t tied up or forced. I never felt I was rapped. Sadly to admit, I enjoyed every minute of these sexual acts. It is these acts that I find myself causing my most enjoyable climaxes as I live a life of masturbation.

    My husband has had sex with 3 women in his life including me. When we met, I only wanted to have sex. His playing hard to get and his meeting all of my desires in physical aspects intensified my lust for him. I couldn’t make him have an organism the first 2 encounters. We had sex like rabbits. I wasn’t in love with him but with our sexual relationship. He told me he loved me within a week, so of course I said the same. By the age of 15, I had over 80 sexual partners men and women. I didnt want to continue having so many partners and had made a deal with God that I would marry him so long as we could continue our sexual relationship. I always used contraception and to no avail, I kept getting pregnant by him. Three times, strong methods. I decided to have the 4th and so I asked him to marry me.

    I was always very independent, so at 19 and he 23, I became a mother and wife. They moved in with me, husband and son.
    Determined to be the best wife and mother, I surrendered my life to them. Unbeknownst to me, my husband true sexual nature was revealed. He didn’t like having sex as much as me. Our sexlife dwindled overnight. He explained that he only did what he did to please me. 7 months into our marriage we had sex 2 times. I know this because I started keeping a journal and would indicate all types of sexual acts. My frustrations borderlined suiside, hiring personal trainers, counseling, constant prayer all to no avail. It just got worst. I attempted to get a divorce and he tried to commit suicide. The guilt of his actions caused me to stay. I’ve had sex less than 20 times out of my 19 years of marriage. To think I would become celebate when I got married. I became bitter and angry throughout the years. Often praying for him to do something that would allow me to leave without guilt.. to no avail. In 2009, I was diagnosed with brain cancer, while advancing towards my sexual peak, although I feel I was always at my sexual peak, I endured more sexual frustrations. I wanted to feel desired and wanted so bad that I refused to leave this world without having this experience. I wrote an ad on Craigslist and got it on like I was due to die tomorrow. I told my husband, thinking that he would want a divorce and I would be at peace to pursue all of the sex I wanted.. but nope… we’re still married. I haven’t been unfaithful now for more than 8 years.
    My son has moved out, house is paid off and we now prepare for retirement. He works nights and I work days. This has been a major factor for the timeframe of our marriage. Crazy as it may sounds. I can’t take it anymore. I’m tired of masturbating.
    My heart is broken because my best friend, the man that I am truly attracted to even to this day and that I sincerely love dosen’t want to have sex with me. I caught him masturbating, saw porn on his computer so I know he has a desire. The last time we were intimate, he was extremely selfish, everything was over in minutes. I was left worst off then before.

    I can’t anymore. I love my husband with all that I am.. but I’m too old to be cheating and too tired to continue masturbating.

  37. Suz says:

    I absolutely understand. I’ve been married to my husband for 12 years. At first, sex was good (although he really didn’t attempt to please me at all). It’s been the past 5 years. Sex has virtually come to a screeching halt. I’ve told him that sex is VERY important for me and one of my love languages. I even tried to tell him that the lack of sex and intimacy results in temptation. He tells me that he loves me. He tells me that he’s attracted to me but honestly I’m having a hard time believing it at this point. We had a fight a few months ago and he said he wasn’t going to chase me. I’ve given up since then. I often cry at night and am miserable. I love my husband and will honor the committment to him. We have two wonderful children who love their father, so leaving him is out of the question. I pray about this, for him but I am so angry. I NEVER agreed to abstinence in our marriage so his lack of sex and intimacy is sin. I’m trying to be civil to him and see him as Christ sees us but it’s becoming increasingly difficult. I’m so angry at living like roommates that I’ve removed my wedding rings. Yes, that’s passive aggressive but I’m tired of talking about it and being rejected again. The last time I did bring it up he said it’s complicated. I just don’t know what to do at this point.

  38. M says:

    These comments brought tears to my eyes. I see my marriage of less than 2 years headed in the same direction. Its sad because I truly love him. I have explained just how it makes me feel. When he rejects me, its hurtful. I am so frustrated with initiating only to be rejected. I feel unwanted, not attractive, and UNLOVED. In a heated argument he actually shouted out that “I wasnt happy unless a dick was in me every 24 hours”. Its close to our 2 yr anniversary and I cant see this marriage making it. I have talked to him, cried to him, yelled, and begged. I refuse to be with a man who refuses to show me love. There is no intimacy physical nor emotional. The sex has become maybe twice a week. Before I do, we had sex every other day. I am beginning to be angry. I must leave before hate sets in.

  39. J says:

    I agree and am in the same boat as Suz.
    I am in 20 year relationship (19 married) that has been less than satisfying sexually for probably 18 of those years. It started as a frequency battle but turned into exchanges of hurtful accusations like you have encountered, but I would be thrilled with once a week, once every other week, or even once a month for that matter. I had sex one time in 2017. I would suggest not initiating it at all for a while and see what happens. If there is No initiative on his part, then you may want to consider counseling. My basic physical needs of touch and intimacy are not being met and it has affected my overall well-being. I have 2 children who I worry are now learning that this husband and wife relationship is normal, but it is not. We have tried counseling and the ball is currently in his hands. If you have tried counseling and prayer to No avail, I would strongly consider your options. I will continue to pray for God to shed light on your choices and give you direction. Please, pray for me as I continue to struggle with my choices.

  40. Mr D says:

    Lots of people sharing there extremely sad marriage situations however – What is going on? Is this increasing or decreasing? What is the answer to someone who is a total refuser and has no sense of responsibility? Who is responsible for the marriage – one or both? There has got to be a missing element or dimension to this discussion. What is the solution for all of these people?? Anyone have any answers or proven strategies??? Just wondering because this sad saga of thousands of people could just keep piling up here…..

  41. Kelly says:


    I can completely understand you’re points of view men. I have had these same thoughts and arguments over and over in my head and with my wife. I’ve been married to my wife for 20+ years. One thing I think we can all agree on is at some point we all have to make the choice. STAY OR GO. I’ve decided to stay despite the fact that we have a flagging sex life. I’ve decided to stay to help her battle her depression. I’ve decided to stay to help manage our daughters anorexia. I’ve decided to stay, knowing that it may never get any better. That’s the reality gentlemen. We all deal with stuff. The same applies to being a husband. We all take a lot of stuff. It’s probably harder to deal with it now than even in our fathers’ generation. Gender roles have become blurred. Men tend to be villainized for speaking up. Believe me I get it. But I also know that despite how bad I think I have it, I still deserve to die a horrible death. And I won’t because of what God did for me and for us all. Because of his agape love for us he sent his only son to die one of the worst ways a human can die so that we could live with him in heaven forever. If that doesn’t humble us,we should take some time to let that sink in. Whenever I feel despair, lose hope, loneliness, I try to remember that. I’m human and some days it gives me peace and some days it does nothing for me. The key I think is to acknowledge we are weak and we can not navigate this world on our own or rely on our spouses. WHAT I’VE LEARNED (And am learning every day) is that my spouse is going to fail me. ITS GOING TO HAPPEN AS SURE AS THE SUN WILL RISE. LIKEWISE IM GOING TO FAIL MY SPOUSE. ALL THE TIME. there is someone that we can both lean on however. If we will attempt to read and learn the teachings of Jesus, we can make it through. WE CAN. I know it seems hopeless. But having gone through the lull, battling in the trenches, I can honestly say giving myself over to the word and teachings of Jesus Christ has helped me. I’m not a bible beater by any means. I was raised a catholic and converted to Methodist faith. I definitely don’t know the right path, I’m wandering around blind in the dark trying to figure it out. All I know is reaching out to understand the word of God and how it relates to marriage is helping me enough to want to try to continue to work at it. I pray that each of us will continue to battle in the trenches of our marriages. I still believe marriage is critical to maintaining a strong community and society. It teaches our children how to love and respect each other, how to fight and resolve conflicts. The list goes on and on. I’ll admit I still have arguments with myself about whether staying is the right thing. In the end though it’s really not an option in the eyes of God. We as men have a greater responsibility to make it work. But there’s a reason…God knows we as men are strong enough to get it done. So let’s continue to fight for our marriages men!

  42. Anon says:

    I’m a wife in a sexless marriage (at least by the given definition above). Recently I contemplated divorce and went through all the logistics of it in my head (finances, shelter, changing my cell phone number, living in isolation for awhile etc.) because of how lonely I feel. I’m seeing a therapist and turning to meditation to calm my thoughts and mind because sometimes it can be overwhelming. Reading everyone’s comments above makes me feel like I’m not alone so thank you for sharing. May we all find strength, wisdom, patience and above all…..SEX.

  43. Bitter Sweet says:

    3. Is the refusing spouse physically unable to do anything sexual?

    “Sometimes couples in such situations demonstrate a better understanding of authentic intimacy than couples who have not faced such challenges.”

    My husband had prostate surgery and has lost all desire for sex due to hormone treatments. He doesn’t become aroused anymore. Can he still be physically sexual for me? Yes, of course he can provide oral and manual. Yet, I ask myself, why would I expect this wonderful man, who physically and emotionally has no desire to be sexual, to provide for me?

    What do I derive from sexual intimacy that I can’t obtain through other Avenues? Why is it so important to me?

    Well, It makes me feel loved and desired. What does that mean?

    After many months of painful soul searching, I have concluded that I don’t really need sexual intimacy to feel loved, desired, or validated. I have worth just being a child of God. I can share my love with my husband and he can share his love with me through other forms of intimacy. We each matter, sexual or not.

    I will not ask or expect my husband to be sexual when it is the last thing he desires. We can’t share sexual energy because he has none to share. Sex would be for me, and it would be a task for him. No thank you.

    We are two human beings created by God, who love each other deeply. Passionate love and authentic intimacy doesn’t Require sex.

    Tough lesson to learn and it requires a complete change in mindset with lots of prayer, but it’s proven quite liberating in a sense.

  44. Pingback: Staying in a Sexless Marriage? 3 Ways to Cope. | Intimacy in Marriage

  45. Richard Trostle says:

    Let me say this, WOMEN ARE INCONTROL OF INTAMACY in a marriage. We didn’t decide not to fool around tonight.l, she decides for the both of us.
    As far as is it a “sexless” or a question of “the quantity” of once monthly it hurts deeply. It’s not the lack of sex, it’s the lack of connection, closeness, & wanting to be wanted/needed.
    I’ve been married for 23 years & I’m 44 years old. I’ve been the only one that asked for quality time. More times than not I’ve been rejected & turned down. Every time that happens I die a little more. Now I’m just a shell of the man I once had been. Last night we were childless I ask if we could have some alone time together? I was told “she gave me 10 minutes 4 nights ago”. Then she asked me why wasn’t I appreciative of that? And again I was told “I’m not in the mood”. I should have said yes. Not in the mood to show me you love me, want me, or need me. But you have shown me that you don’t care about me again & again. But as usual it’s my fault for needing or at least wanting some intamacy.

  46. jenni says:

    18.5 years of begging only to get a crummy “don’t talk and no i won’t take my shirt off” a coupleof times a year is just sad. No thank you. I am slowly dying. Trying to stay for my kids but I find myself resenting them now, its killing me! He knows. He has a handful of excuses.

  47. Alycia says:

    I am a woman in a very low sex marriage.

    No sex is like no food. You can’t expect any one to be ok with out food REGULARLY for months on end!! I need to eat food at least once a day or risk illness. A marriage needs sex often to naintain closeness. Or at least some loving touch.

    Some people may be able to survive life with no sex. But it is seriously messing me up. Do you realize the utter shame for a wonan to be continually refused? I thought I was ugly and undesireable. But a guy friend of mine recently told me that I am actually quite appealing… so why is my husband so indifferent? Do I have to go on like this? I will be deprived for life if I stay. And that breaks my heart. I get to feel ugly and unwanted till death do us part. Yay

  48. Lynn says:

    I’ve been married under 6 months. my husband and I didn’t have sex before marriage yet he had a few partners before we met. he didn’t sleep with me on our wedding night and rejected me the next day. I feel like he has no attraction to me yet I’m fit, 27, and know that I’m attractive. when he sleeps with me (once a week or once every two weeks sometimes once every 3 weeks) he doesn’t want to see me naked, we’re not allowed to take off our shirts, etc….the first month I wore lingerie every night and he never slept with me. I’m tired of being humiliated, embarrassed and rejected to a point of begging him and he rejects me.
    what makes this worse is that I am 2 months pregnant now and the first day I told him he said that once I’m at 4 months he won’t sleep with me at all…he’s planing ahead to sleep with me less/ not at all! I hate crying all the time now and just want to go home

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