marriage problems, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
Sexless Marriage? 10 Questions to Ask Before You Leave
Are you thinking of leaving your sexless marriage?
You are not alone, even among Christians.
Some of you won’t do it, but the thought still hangs out there.
Should have… could have… would have…
… echoes of regret over years invested in a relationship that is starved of the very sexual intimacy that is a hallmark exclusive to marriage.
The one place sex should happen often is commonly the place it happens least — or not at all. I hear from men and women in sexless marriages, and many of them are hungry for a way out.
Their pleas generally look like this…
“I am going to leave after our youngest graduates from high school.”
“There is someone at work who actually wants me, and I can’t even get that kind of attention from the person I married.”
“I’m so done.”
“My wife thinks there is nothing wrong with our marriage, but she has no idea.”
“My husband never wants to make love to me, even though I constantly show him I want to be with him sexually.”
“Our friends and family think we have a great marriage. If they only knew.”
“I stopped sleeping in our bed because it was too difficult to be that close to the one person who could give me sex but won’t.”
“I can count on one hand the number of times we’ve had sex in the last decade.”
“I figure I’ll just get a divorce and ask for forgiveness later.”
This is a searingly painful topic to address, and no matter what I say, there are no real winners.
Are you thinking of leaving your sexless marriage?
Before you do that, I encourage you to look at your situation and ask yourself these 10 questions:
1. Is your marriage truly “sexless”?
I imagine this question stings a bit, because you wouldn’t even be entertaining a post like this if you didn’t feel discouraged — maybe even desperate — about sex and your marriage.
If you and your spouse are struggling with whether once a week or once a month is enough sex, then I think you may have a frequency battle — rather than a sexless marriage battle.
Many marriages face disagreements about sexual frequency. Many.
I’m not minimizing the frustrations with frequency battles. They are real and mighty and present in countless marriages. But having sex once a month when you really want it 2 times a week can hardly be considered a “sexless” marriage.
When I say “sexless,” I mean outright refusal for months and years on end, with no willingness from the refusing spouse to address the matter or make healthy changes. One person has arbitrarily taken sex out of the marriage and even gone so far as to try to make the refused spouse feel guilty or selfish for even wanting sex in the first place.
I couldn’t put a number on what counts as sexless, but I implore you to discern if what is going on in your marriage is a frequency disagreement or a barren wasteland of no sex at all.
2. Is the refusing spouse struggling with depression or other mental health issues?
Depression (and a host of other mental health struggles) are real. When they take a toll on a person’s ability to function and interact in healthy ways in their relationships, then the person needs help.
There is no shame in mental illness or in getting help for it (sadly, our society and the church have not always acknowledged mental health struggles as authentic or as serious as they actually are).
If a refusing spouse is mentally sick, you as their spouse owe it to them to do a courageous thing — strongly advise them to see someone (a doctor, a counselor, etc.) who can help equip them to better function in life. If they are hesitant about that, offer to go with them or to help make the appointment. Emphasize that you love them and want to support them in not just coping, but in thriving.
A married couple committed to working closely with doctors and counselors can nurture intimacy amidst such struggles, so that the relationship is not irretrievably damaged.
3. Is the refusing spouse physically unable to do anything sexual?
I know this should go without saying, but if your spouse is permanently injured or suffering from chronic illness that makes sexual activity impossible or extremely limited, then I really don’t think you can classify your marriage as “sexless” in the truest sense.
I’m not saying your road isn’t excruciatingly challenging. But the words “in sickness and in health” have got to stand for something.
I remember a man I knew whose wife was dying of cancer. He shared with me that she had admitted to him that it grieved her greatly that she couldn’t be available to him sexually. You know what he did? He reassured her and loved her and lived his vows until the day she died.
Though challenging, it also can be extremely rewarding and edifying to stand by a spouse who would have sex if they could. But they can’t. Sometimes couples in such situations demonstrate a better understanding of authentic intimacy than couples who have not faced such challenges.
4. Have you really exhausted every attempt to make your frustrations and pain known?
A sexless marriage usually doesn’t happen over a short period of time. It is the result of an unhealthy pattern perpetuated long enough that it has become the “normal” in the marriage.
If the lack of sexual intimacy in your marriage has persisted, don’t assume that “hinting” or being passive aggressive or yelling is going to enlighten your spouse to make different choices. If anything, that approach will likely just get you more of what you have been getting — no sex.
You have to make your concerns and needs and pain and frustration known. One way to think of it is this: “What do I need to say to my spouse so that there is absolutely no doubt that they know I am hurt and our marriage is suffering from the lack of sexual intimacy?”
Answering that question probably means you’re going to have to be brutally honest. Speak in the I. Speak your pain verbally and write it all down as well. Do it with firmness, but not harshness. Let your pain show.
Risky? Hell yes.
BUT it’s also risky to try to sustain a facade of marital harmony. At some point, you have to lay all your cards on the table and let the pieces fall where they may.
After making your pain known, express that you want things to get better and you want the two of you to work on that together, no matter what it takes. Counseling (individual and as a couple). Marriage seminars. Exploring physical reasons (such as hormonal imbalances) for diminished sex drive. Reading marriage books together. Making changes in your schedule so you can spend more time together.
Whatever it takes.
If your spouse won’t go with you to counseling, go on your own. Not only will you gain valuable insights from someone trained in helping marriages, you also will demonstrate to your spouse that you are committed to exhausting all possible avenues to make the marriage stronger.
5. Is the marriage trying to heal from a deep betrayal?
If one or both people in a marriage are actively in the process of healing from a past pain, particularly past sexual abuse and/or adultery or porn addiction, then I personally think it’s understandable that sexual intimacy may be slowed or delayed in the midst of such journey.
Key is that both people are committed to the marriage being healed.
Hopefully, if you find yourself in this situation, you and your spouse see the value in resuming sexual intimacy within a reasonable amount of time. This is a realistic expectation, because sex is part of marriage. If the betrayed spouse has decided sex will never happen again, I question whether that person is genuinely committed to the marriage being healed.
6. Have you looked closely at your own heart and asked the Lord to reveal where you have been careless with the marriage?
Do I think it is okay for a spouse to indefinitely withhold sex? No. In the same regard, though, I think we each individually carry a responsibility for the relationship. God even goes so far as to outline the responsibilities of a wife and a husband in His Word.
Are you at peace with God that you truly are doing what He has called you to do in your role in the marriage? If not, I urge you to humble yourself before the Lord and seek first His commands instead of pouring so much energy into what you hate about your marriage.
7. Have you sought the counsel of other mature Christians?
Bailing on a marriage, for any reason, is a big deal. Our society makes it out to seem like it really isn’t, but practical experience and a boatload of research and buckets of tears tell us otherwise.
When two people are knit together in what they thought was a “forever” commitment, especially a covenant commitment of marriage, and then the bond is dissolved, the fallout is often tragic.
Before you leave, take your pain and frustration to 2-3 mature Christians you trust. Men should confide in men, and women in women. Choose mature Christians who will listen non-judgmentally, pray with you and for your marriage, not bash your spouse, study God’s Word with you and keep all conversations in confidence.
Be specific and transparent with these mature Christians about what is happening in your marriage. “We haven’t had sex in three years and this is the pain it has caused me. I’m not sure I want to be married anymore.”
Ask those Christians to pray for you, with you and for your marriage.
These kind of relationships are priceless when you are contemplating the state of your marriage, especially if you are thinking of ending it. They can often offer a more objective view and suggestions that you had not considered because of your deep pain.
8. Have you prayed?
Here’s the thing. I can’t answer the question for you of whether you should leave your sexless marriage. That is something you and God have to wrestle about.
Ending a marriage is not a light decision at all. As such, I would encourage you to spend tremendous time and vulnerability pressing into the heart of God and His Word. I’m talking about your personal time with the Lord, not the time you spend at church or in your group Bible study.
9. Have you followed biblical teaching and confronted your spouse about his or her sin of sexual refusal?
1 Corinthians 7 is clear. God tells husbands and wives: Do not withhold your body from your spouse. If your spouse is withholding their body from you sexually and you have tried to address this with them privately to no avail, I do think you are biblically supported in going to your spouse with at least a couple other mature Christians and shedding light on the sin.
Is this easy? Well, of course not. Rarely are accountability issues easy. They are wrought with our human nature to defend and justify, rather than walk in humility and welcome the opportunity for repentance. But if you are at a point of ending your marriage, then first follow the biblical model of accountability.
10. Have you made it clear to your spouse that you are thinking about divorce?
If you have made repeated attempts to address the issue in a variety of ways and your spouse has not responded, and you are thinking divorce is where you are headed, you should tell your spouse this.
Don’t dance around it. Don’t say it in a tone that is threatening, but rather in a humble tone that expresses your deep pain. Clearly express and outline your repeated attempts for the two of you to address and heal this area of sexual intimacy in your marriage.
And if you are feeling things are at a breaking point, don’t rule out first legally separating. Sometimes this distance can be a catalyst toward incredible healing and restoration within the relationship.
Are you thinking of leaving your sexless marriage?
It’s abundantly clear in God’s Word that He fully intended and designed marriage to include sex. It is a “given” in His commands and Word that husbands and wives, as long as they are able, should not only have sex, but have it often.
Any believing Christian who would try to argue otherwise is clearly walking outside of God’s will. While each marriage is unique, I do think that a refusing spouse who has consistently withheld sexual intimacy from their spouse for no justifiable reason has in a sense already left the marriage. Is divorce always the right choice in those circumstances?
Honestly, I’m not sure.
What I do know is the above questions will help you dig deeper. And I do know that God is a faithful God, well aware of your pain and heartache and deep need for reliance upon Him.
Are you thinking of leaving your sexless marriage?
What are you going to do with those thoughts?
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As usual another great article…. I thing this is one of the biggest keys to a healthy marriage is what Julie said…( It’s abundantly clear in God’s Word that He fully intended and designed marriage to include sex. It is a “given” in His commands and Word that husbands and wives, as long as they are able, should not only have sex, but have it often.).. Our pastor told us when we talked about wanting to start a marriage ministry is the sex rates pretty far down the list … We should focus more on the Giver and not so much on the gift.. Not sure where he was coming from on that one…. because sex should rate pretty high on the list as far as I am concerned…
I now have sons who are at the age to start looking for a good Christian girl to marry. How do I tell them to make sure they find one that will “put out” or your future will be horrible? I am a Christian man who feels like our whole marriage has been a wasteland of loneliness. I would rather my sons never marry than experience this. My wife loves God and is a wonderful person yet she wants nothing to do with sex. I was not aware of this before we got married. I am now so lonely.
@JRDALLAS… I suggest you be brutally honest with your sons about the importance of them having open discussions about sex with anyone they are thinking of building a future with. Explain to your sons what can happen if sex is not nurtured in a marriage.
You mention that your wife loves God. She must not love Him enough to obey Him on this important area of sex in marriage. Have you lovingly, yet firmly, called her out on this?
Yes, I have. I get the “I just have no feelings that way” speech. “I can live fine without it”. She sometimes even says she will change, but never does. I have begun to put a hard shell around me because I can’t stand the pain any longer. I ran across this post just when I was thinking the vary words you wrote. I am sorry to take your time, I have nobody to talk to about this.
“How do I tell them to make sure they find one that will “put out” or your future will be horrible?”
Tell them that. Tell them that before they head down the aisle they need to make it clear to their future wives what they expect in their sexual relationship – frequency, variety, etc. If they sense any hesitation or waffling, pull the ripcord. Life’s too short to be trapped in a sexless marriage.
Additionally, I know talking to your children about your sex life is uncomfortable at best, and you don’t want to paint their mother in a bad light. But sharing your own experience might help them avoid the same pitfalls.
After a few years as a widow, I remarried at age 62. My husband was 64 and divorced for 35 years. I felt like a teenager again with all that that implies. He never wanted to sleep in the same room with me. After one year of marriage, he announced that the “chemistry” was gone. We never had sexual contact again and that was five years ago. Soon after that announcement he had prostrate cancer surgery. Now he tells me nothing works. I’ve told him many times that there are many ways to have sexual intimacy. I know he is still enjoying solo sex. I’ve written him letters and told him many times the pain that this causes me but he seems to not understand. I’ve been to three different counselors. Nothing helps.
Message to JRDALLAS:
You said you “have nobody to talk to about this” — but now you do, you have me. I’m a husband and father married for 40+ years to a godly woman like your wife whom I love dearly. My predicament is EXACTLY like yours because you’ve described my plight word-for-word!
From the moment you said “our whole marriage has been a wasteland of loneliness” to when you “put a hard shell around me because I can’t stand the pain any longer” — every word you wrote is my own experience, and I empathize with you completely.
I would consider it an honor, a gift from the Lord, to discuss with you some of the lessons I’ve learned as a Christian man who has often thought about divorcing his wife (I answered YES to #s 1, 4, 6, 7, 8, 9 and 10 of Julie’s blog post) until four years ago when I knew in my heart that we would stay married AND that I would be happy with the wife of my youth till death do us part.
I hope there is some way you and I can connect for this purpose. The Lord bless you and your marriage richly!
I’m surprised that there are a lot of people facing this, I need some advice myself as my husband refuses sex,stating stress as an issue,but goes on to masturbate and commit adultery. I’m quite numb now about it.but I don’t want to end my marriage. I do love him very much.but don’t no what to do.
For JRDallas: Do like RICO says, and at some time when it is appropriate to the conversation, just bluntly bring it up. Emphasis on the part about pulling the rip cord if any hesitation is sensed. The down side to this is that it does not always work. I am an example of it not working. Before my wife and I married, we had a long discussion about finances, raising kids, and what to expect sexually from our marriage (We waited to have sex). She was on board with everything. After we were married, not once has she followed through sexually, and also in other areas that we had discussed. I stuck around because I thought God would make it better. After years of marriage, no change. Now I wish I would have left before we had kids.
JRDALLAS I can completely relate to your post. I have been married for 13 years and we’ve had sex less than 5 times in our marriage. Initially it was easy to ignore. Our careers took up much of my time and his time early in our marriage. and then we had kids (through fertility treatments). With both pregnancies back to back and 3 1/2 years of breastfeeding my focus was elsewhere so I didn’t think on it. Then one day I realized how lonely I felt. I confronted him thinking that he would say work and kids were the reasons he didn’t want sex. Instead he said he had no interest and he isn’t attracted to me. He later said he wasn’t physically attracted to me when he married me either. Not to sound egotistical, but I am an attractive lady and put a great deal of effort into my appearance. We tried counseling and he quit after a few sessions. We were separated a year and halfway through the year he said he wanted to work on things. However, he didn’t do anything to work on things. Then after a year he wanted to move back in, but I didn’t feel comfortable with it and he promised not to move back home. The next week he informed me he was moving back home against my wishes. That was a year ago and nothing has changed. I’m more lonely than ever and cry all the time. I don’t know of any solution except divorce.
This is spooky stuff cause I am in the exact same situation as JR DALLAS and frankly the only reason I haven’t taken our son and left is there are no jobs around where my family lives and idk what I could say to my son.
I’m a 40 year old female who has been married for 12 years to a wonderful man. We have two young children. We are living in a sexless marriage. The problem is he is on medications that make it difficult for him to maintain an erection. He also has zero drive. I can relate to his lack of drive because that was me about 3 years ago after we had our last child. Instead of suggesting things to me he just got upset and yelled and screamed.
For the last 2 or 3 years we haven’t had very many times we’ve had sex. We go for months and months not being intimate in any way. I’ve talked to him and we tried to change things but he gave up. Now we are headed to a therapist to find out what we can do. He’s not willing to go to the Dr and reluctant to try and fix this. I’ve made it clear that I don’t want to live the next 20- 30 years without having a sexual relationship with him. He’s my best friend, a great father, and a great person. But I’m not sure I can continue this way. I want to be touched, kissed and desired. I believe in marriage. But I’m not happy. I find myself thinking about leaving and what that would be like. He doesn’t take me seriously or understand how it makes me feel. He has told me that the way I masturbate is weird making me feel shameful. I sometimes feel resentful of him and angry. I feel selfish for wanting a sexual relationship with my husband. Deep down I don’t think he’s really happy either, but he never will admit it. I’m so confused. When I married, I married forever. But I’m questioning if it is possible to continue like this.
@Lauren : No real words of advice, just a word of sympathy from someone who can identify with your issues. My wife has little to no sex drive, partly due to medical issues. Take a shot at counseling. It hasn’t helped much for us, but who knows, your husband might respond. I had to threaten to leave my wife to get her to attend counseling with me. You might have to do that to get your husband to the doctor. I too dread the thought of 20 or 30 more years in this situation. The need to be desired, to be wanted, to be looked upon with passion is so strong, and hurts so much when unfulfilled. I hope things change for you. I hope your husband comes around. Good luck, God bless.
Thank you Lauren! A woman relating EXACTLY what men feel in a refusal marriage. Kudos to you for laying it out “like it feels!” Real people masturbate. Real people think about affairs. Sometimes have them. Real people use nude images in masturbation. AND, real people DO think about divorce. No, you should not martyr yourself in a sexless marriage. Very impressed with your courage. John R
I live in a sexless marriage. Most commenters in this blog at least have children. I’ve been married for over 16 years, and it is now sexless, to a point that the sex stopped as soon as we got married. I feel like I’ve been manipulated, and now it has been years since we’ve had sex. All my college friends have children and whilst the years pass we grow further apart (we’re living like roommates). We have issues, but in public she is a totally different person. We even tried counselling but she would say one thing to the counsellor, acting all weak and defenceless and then turn on me by the time we get home. I am a good Christian man, and have never said a bad word about her to anyone, but each day I wonder why she is denying us the chance to move on with our relationship, have children etc. To be honest I just think she is selfish and immature. I met her when she was in her late 20’s and now she is 42. She even put the blame on me for not having children with our family doctor, as I already stated I never say a bad word about her, and took the blame. She failed to add that we’ve never had sex for over 10 years. Is it time to leave as there are no children involved?
@John2 and @JohnR Thank you for your comments.
@John2 I’m sorry you too are in a sexless marriage. It’s hard. I’m so sorry counseling hasn’t helped. I hope the counsellor I will be seeing can help us. I really need to have intimacy in my relationship but he doesn’t see it that way. He thinks we’ve done great to make it 12 years in a lacking marriage. I think we ignored the problem all along…and we pushed it under the rug. We are both to blame. But turning 40 has pushed me to see the truth, to challenge myself to live the best I can and to not accept status quo any longer. For years I put my needs on the bottom of the list thinking that sex was for his pleasure and my needs were never met. Now I am facing the problem head on. I was refused sex again last night and it hurt. I was alone in bed by myself and I cried. I cried because it’s feels like my marriage is slowly dying. I’m trying to save it but it feels like I’m doing it alone. I see the therapist next week and I’m looking forward to it.
I read the responses in this post & I really feel for you all. My story is much the same – married 20 years ago, started out ok but I always wanted more sex, and she wanted less. Went through a 2 year drought after our first child – no sex at all, then when she wanted another child suddenly sex was important again. After our second child the experience was much the same, just nothing for 18 months, then she would “give in” or “try” and that would have to do for the next period of 6 – 12+ months.
It has now been over 2 years. I get more affection from our kids than I do my wife, and I just can’t take it anymore.
We have discuss how this affects us in the past, but nothing really changes – while she means well, and says she loves me, and promises to do more, she still has no desire for sex, so I walk around with this massive hole inside, I feel empty, unwanted, worthless – I hate myself, and see no hope of this changing and no hope for the future. (I don’t see any solutions to this)
All I wanted was to be loved and accepted – physically and emotionally – and to love in return… I feel that only the last part is true. I love her dearly, and it completely crushes me to live like this.
I have thought through this for years, I have concluded that I am not really ‘living’ any more, so I may as well just “get rid” of the few remaining bits of me and be done with it. God, Forgive me… I can’t do this any more
I don’t really need to add my story because I can take pieces from everyone else’s. But why I’m commenting is for Winston above. I’ve stated much those same words of hopelessness time and again this past year. And recently have come to a place where one day I may leave, but whether I stay or go, I am not worth how I’m treated. I am worth dying for. And so are you. You are to die for. Let that reality sink in. Jesus was born, lived, tortured, murdered and rose again for you. All this worthlessness we feel because our spouses just don’t want us the right way is 1- a worthless place to be hung up in and 2- completely nailed to the cross. Also, we don’t have to accept it. Why should we accept what is wrong? I am still not sure if dissolving what’s left of our marriage is the right thing to do. I’m struggling in this area in a huge way. But I also know I have to make real changes and stop catering to the notion that I have to just respect that he doesn’t want me. That’s straight bull. And though I’m respectful (usually) and never ever vindictive (I hate things that come back to bite me), I have become more verbal. Why should I always clamp my mouth shut when he has no problems telling me he wants me but hasn’t pursued me or when he shuts me down my every advance with an “I have a headache… My back hurts…” Absolute bull excuse? I don’t have to shut it all down and neither do you. You can still be respectful and loving but say what you mean. And know because you’re worth it I’m praying for you. All of you. It’s the worst kind of “good” knowing I’m not alone.
After reading all the comments on this website, I can not believe so many married couples are having and staying in a sexless marriage.. This is my second marriage.. I waited eighteen years to remarry. I am a Christian woman. After a few dates, I decided not to have sex again till I remarry. Ten years no sex. . Finally got remarried and to my surprise, I am now in a sex less marriage. Five years of marriage and we only had sex five times in five years .His reasons, he’s tired.. He’s always tired.. No, he’s not cheating on me.. He unable to get a erection after a few months of marriage. I suggested he should go see a urologist, which he did. All test came back normal. Testosterone level is low and the doctor suggested he should take medications.. The medications hurt and give him headaches.. For months, my husband told me he was fatigue because of his job. Days, months and years went by. I became vexed, frustrated, I felt rejected and sad.. I love my husband but I refuse to be in a sex less marriage.. My husband schedule us to have sex and each time he falls asleep. This happened to many times… I never thought we would go through this… This makes us very unhappy. My husband says he loves me and he wants to make love to me.. But he’s unable to get a erection. l left my husband, only temporarily for now ( I think).. Not sure what I will do next .. I prayed and I prayed for God’s help..
God please heal all of us… We need you .
Help our marriage.
I also have the same problem, I’m 25 years old and my husband is 28.Its my first marriage and his second and we had a baby right away and we haven’t had sex for over a year. My husband straight up said he isn’t attracted to me that’s why he has been avoiding me. However I don’t believe it ..I am wondering if I should leave now before i get to old. We have been married for two years. It’s emotionally very hard.
My Husband and I are going on 36 years marriage . I am on the other side of of everyone else. We married young he worked ,while I raised kids moved to four different states and ,to top it all off we were both immature,lack of communication. I’d go ahead just to please him, not always. I resented I gave in. I started finding everything wrong with him. His nose hairs,his beer gut, it was nit picking ,but it did turn me off.Just simple hygeine would of helped. Women fake orgasm because men fake forplay!
Very vicious cycle. He ignored my need for a human connection, him being unable to share any feelings. I thought he just shut me out. I’ve just learned this past month that there are real people,that can’t or don’t know how to express themselves. I just shut him down ,as he shut me out.I have no problem in expressing my feelings.
Long story short, he just filed for a divorce,this is the hardest thing either one of us has been through.
He wanted to try and work it out after he tells me both feet are out the door? I said no,i won’t try with a divorce moving forward and hanging above my head.
He just called and stopped the process. We both know there are so many areas that need work. But,we are willing to try. I will learn to ask for what I want in the bedroom. Women have a hard expressing what they need or want. If you never experienced true sexual pleasure,it is often just a chore. We bought toys for us and at first being so young,I felt disgusted. But,over time I have learned to enjoy myself with or without him.
I carried shame and I had no reason too. I was embarrassed. If the wife has never experienced pleasure then it is not fun. It has been 5 years for us,but I did move away. He is just now telling how much this hurt him. He seen his first therapist for his hurt,anger,and learning to release his feelings.
I have my 1st session tomorrow and I have plenty of reasons to see a therapist. So,I pray daily for us to really reconnect. Men,buying a vibrator and approach her just to try, and she can say no,just leave it where she can find it!.
I have been is a sexless marriage for five years. Shortly after our marriage we had a planned baby and again two years later another planned baby. We have yet to ever share the same bed at night. He states he has sleeping problems. He isn’t affectionate in fact he is emotionless toward me. I beg I plea I cry… He just tells me I have to learn to accept him the way he is. When I discuss leaving he tells me I’m selfish for breaking up the family for my happiness. I’m a young woman and feel so alone and isolated. I can’t even say we are friends I tell him we co exist and I can’t do it anymore. He just claims that nothing is wrong. Life is so tough. ..
I truly don’t get this. People get married. They say the vows. Surely they know what they imply. Yet I hear tale after tale of how the partner who desires sex gets their needs ignored by the other spouse (this happened to me too) sometimes to the point where they contemplate leaving the marriage or cheating. Sadly i was one who cheated on mine and i repented as well as separated from my spouse. The first time i had sex with someone else, as pleasurable as it was, i felt bitterness toward my wife at that moment. It should have been HER I was having sex with instead of a friend. And I was angry with her because I liked it! I agree with Lauren. Before I cheated, the last time we did have sex, my wife yelled at me saying come on were going to do this because I’m tired of you… (whether from me wanting oral sex or sex in general I’m not sure and I was so hurt I didn’t bother to pursue it further) Since I ultimately discovered she was sleeping with a neighbor, I suppose she was referring to sex in general–just not with me. Anyway, even though she had climbed on top of me, I faked an orgasm just to get her off of me so i could go to sleep. I had lost all desire to have sex with her again from that point forward. Seems to me that if someone desires a lower frequency of sex to someone else then don’t make them unhappy by marrying them and then backing them into a corner. I do believe God will hold us accountable for being a stumblingblock to our spouses.
Also to us men the same applies by not meeting our wives emotional needs for affimation, security, affection. Even a simple I love you and a kiss, hug as we leave for work and return home. Even non sexual cuddling.
Also to us men the same applies by not meeting our wives emotional needs for affimation, security, affection. Even a simple I love you and a kiss, hug as we leave for work and return home. Even non sexual cuddling. There’s lots I’m leaving out (i took a few minutes from work to type this), but you get the gist.
It was 13 years before I consummated with marriage with the woman I married. She insisted no sex on first night. Honymoon was sexless. Had cuddles and so on. There was 7 years with no attempt and she did not say a word. No kids because there was no sex. We used to get undressed to gether occasionally. She would then say, I want to go to sleep. Or You need to learn to treat me right during the day. Most night for 19 years has been sad and moaning, and gloomy. She seems gloomy and always analysing some one. She came from a home where the mother was the head of the house.
I don’ know what to do. I think there has been about 45 love making sessions since consummation, in 2012. So that is about 10 or so times a year. Holidays- she gets prickly, I have had counselling and inner healing; give gifts, money, play music in evenings- no difference. Is she inclined towards nunship do you think? Flatmates and go to church, Deeply grieved, a heavy morbird atmosphere
I’m at the end of my rope I don’t know how much more patient I can be with my husband he has low T blood pressure issues after years of no sex he still doesn’t want to make an effort sexually How can one lose their desire for their wife, for sex I’ve never experienced this before but it sure is sad we have lost all intimacy and I’m trying not to resent him for it
I am in a sexless marriage. But it wasn’t like this in the beginning. The first 4 years were great.
It’s been the last 8 years. Not only sex. But intimacy, kissing.
There were no warning signs. Just a declaration upon me pushing for an answer that he doesn’t like, want or need intimacy or sex.
But I do. And now for 8 years I have been unhappy and felt ugly and undesirable in my relationship.
We have 2 young children. And I will not break up my family because of this.
After all I am the only one miserable in this situation. And I made a promise before God to love honour and cherish no matter what.
It is not something that you ever think will happen to you, much less be your husband. Here i am the wife begging for hugs and kisses and sex.
This is generally BS. A sexless marriage is a loveless marriage… plain and simple. My wife has chronic pain, severe major depression, and chronic fatigue. Intercourse not an option, but oral, anal, or masturbatory sex are on the table, yet she refuses to even try them. No amount of prayer will fix this.
I have been married 29 years and I have been in a sexless marriage for years. I am a Christian Woman and I have become bitter and angry! I just want out of this marriage. It is never going to change. I have wasted my prime on a man who does not touch me. Its wrong and not fair. I want this to be over!!
I’m also in a sexless marriage, 30+ years, no children. No sex at all in the last 4 years. But at least I now know why. I’m in a ‘mixed orientation marriage’. Three and a half years ago, when I said I wasn’t ready to go on like this to the end of our lives, my wife ‘came out’ to herself and to me as a lesbian. Years of unanswered prayers to be delivered from her unwanted desires have more or less destroyed her faith. Years of unanswered prayers by me for a miracle, for some change, even for some medical condition that would destroy my libido, also all unanswered. I now struggle to move from resignation to acceptance: this is my reality; it’s not going to change. God cannot change the fundamental sexual orientation. We were both virgins when we married, and of course we talked about sex. We both said we wanted lots of sex and lots of children, and now I’m well into my 60s with neither. And no hope. But perhaps more by a miracle than any effort or virtue on my part, I’ve never, not once, come even close to being unfaithful. So we go on as room-mates and friends…
Married 2.5 years. Sex was a few times a week then it went to once a week, then within the first year it went to once a month. Then he joked and said it’s only going to be on holidays. Well it’s not even then. We had sex once in 4 months and it was brief. He doesn’t have problems functioning as much as he has a control issue. He says if I bring it up again, I’ll go another 4 months but if I don’t bring it up he never pursues sex with me anyway. I’m a Christian woman and I truly love God. I stay in this sexless marriage because God hates divorce. I know having an affair will not only dishonor God but it’s ultimately not what I’m looking for. It’ll leave me empty.I want sex from the man I married. I chose to be married and want to work out my marriage God’s way. This is difficult seeing my husband is also unaffectionate and doesn’t like to kiss or hug. I’m to the point of wanting a divorce. I’m thinking about it. If i wanted a roommate, because I won’t even call him a friend, I’d get a roommate. I’m so disappointed and filled with grief, crying typing this.
Hi all, I’m a married man of 32 years. We have two wonderful daughters in their twenties.
I’m very interested in the posts that so accurately describe my own predicament. My wife adores me and she is my best friend for sure, but zero affection (never any cuddles in front of the TV) and zero heat in the bedroom.
Counselling helped a bit, but one common thread of Christian counsellors is THEY don’t have the problem. They typically are well educated, and have excellent communication with similarly educated and articulate spouses. So, they seem puzzled – even judgemental – when couples can’t work through the issues like they would.
Simple folk operate more subjectively – e.g., “I love my husband and my family, I’m simply non-sexual”.
Hence frustration plus!! Christians try so, so hard to stay faithful, monogamous, etc., but go crazy in the process!
I’m like many of you – so desperate for touch and cuddles, but so afraid to end an otherwise good marriage.
Sorry to waffle. BTW, I live in Australia, but things are much the same! Lol..
Am a married man with two daughters for 6.5 years. We’ve had sex less than 5 times a year. Everything else is pretty much similar to all what you guys are going through. But am super-ready and willing to leave my marriage if my numerous attempts to work it out doesn’t go through. I believe I don’t want to stay in such a situation for the rest of my life. So I’ d rather leave than live contradicting Christian marriage as envisioned in the bible. As for my children, I’ll continue taking up the responsibilities normally albeit being separated. It’s not an easy decision but I believe it’s better than LIVING a LIE.
Hi I’m Danny and I know how you feel you try everything to get her attention but it never seems to work I feel like her afterthought once she’s home and winds down its like she remembers she has a husband, she never asks how my day went, even after I ask her about hers, sometimes I wonder if she has someone else but just doesn’t want to tell me I wish she would that way we can stop all this whatever it is , we have no intamacy at all no sex, I don’t even sleep in the same bed cuz it bothers her if my leg accidentally touches hers then she will go to sofa especially if I bring up sex oh no cant do that, I don’t know what to do if she does have someone I’d like to catch em so I can leave its been over 6 yrs in the dessert actually way longer than that just 6 yrs strait I’m not bad looking but I am getting old 55 at 206lbs I try to look good for her but it never seems to work I’m very tired of this I want to feel wanted n needed I want to feel like I’m the only one for her but instead not I’m not mean to her I help around the house n do whatever I can … I’m sorry I’m just tired so tired ?
Sadly, this is the complete opposite situation for me mostly. Once my husband and I got married, he stopped trying. We haven’t had sex in six months and the last three times I initiated because i couldnt take it anymore waiting for him to do something. We only have been married 1 1/2 years. We are on the same box of condoms we bought when we first got married. My husband told me straight out its easier for him to masturbate and get his needs met that way since his back hurts. I have tried everything to get him involved even if it’s just goofing around and oral sex. He obviously just doesn’t want me or love me. I’ve done everything I can to get him involved. He’s good to go when I initiate but thats all I get. Nothing from his end even though he says I’m sexy. 🙁 I don’t want to leave him but I’ve been tempted to cheat for some affection and intimacy. Im 33 and I feel like I’m dead already.
I have been married 37 years. We. Have sex 10 times per yr. We went 16 months once. I wanted to see what she would do if left alone. By the time we have sex ,I am so bitter at her that I had 12 yrs with virtually no orgasms. She just lays there like a dead fish over half the time. I cannot go on without passion and being able to initiate sex and have a loving response. I had been rejected so much, I just quit asking. I would end up saying did you know it has been 4 months. She says if I am loving, caring and respecyful, sex will follow. That has happened for 2 weeks but back from vacation we are in the same rut. She does not care if she meets my needs. She says I. Make marriage conditional . I ask her what she thought when she married me. Sex is a gift from God not to be abused or withheld as a punishment. At 58 I am done if the renewed relationship gets passion less and sex at 3 times was promised. I am on day 6 with no sex. It seems she has fell into her old ways. Life is too short for this. I took off my wedding ring for 2 months and she did not notice. It is like I am not here. Pay all the bills!
I am so sorry for all of you wives out there, I know how you feel except I’m the husband who has gone without for over 6 years, I still pray for us but she just doesn’t like to be touched or talk about having sex believe me I would Love to make love to my wife but it’s been so long that I’m losing the desire for her it’s very frustrating I’m totally able and functional down there but like I said it doesn’t get used, so when I think of you ladies out there who go without because of your husbands please forgive me but I think WOW! Those husband better wake up or they will lose they’re beautiful wives, because if I was a cheater I would accommodate you ladies … I’m sorry I probably should not have said that lm just starving sexually, but I still Love her so much that’s why I’m still here and still have hope, I would love to please her sexually and make it all about her and take my time to make sure she enjoys me and our time together that’s my prayer and hope, she’s my love I just want a chance to show her
I have followed EVERY ITEM on this list. NOPE. He had no problem with masturbating to porn, looking on sites for outside action( one-HE didn’t even want sex, two, he ended up on the clickbait fake sites) We have done counselling, etc. I had a health issue and gained weight from steroids, but never lost my sex drive and never stopped getting checked out by other guys. I have lost a lot of weight, I exercise a lot, I get checked out more. BUT my husband doesn’t even notice that. Pretty sure he is just with holding because of some unresolved mental health issue, but after 18 years, I am toast once the son gets to college. He has been happy with almost no sex, we were a great child raising team, I am done trying to fix this, because TO HIM IT ISN’T A PROBLEM. Dear folk who haven’t been married this long—if YOU have a problem, and they SAY it is a non problem, or that they are working on it, but NOTHING changes, get the heck out. Even Orthodox Jewish women are allowed divorce for no sex.
Hi.I’am an african married man;2 children and a good wife.we are Christians.sorry for my bad english i live In à french spoken country.
I’am in that prison :a sexless marriage.
I must always initiate sex or become angry for have some sex.we can stay a month without sex till a remember her about my sex needs.but often she says “i am tired let’s do that tomorrow “, or she sleeps and at the awakéing she tells she forgot…..it’s so a hurting situation.when i think some women else want we have sex relationships and because of my convictions i don’t cheat….and when you are at home she denies sex.i am feeling obsessed of sex, or an unlucky man, and sincerly i ´m about to develop affairs or maybe leave that marriage.i ´m unhappy because this situation always makes me bad,don’t want to discuss….and i start masturbate.what can i do?my prayers are still unanswered.
My advice to the women – please make sure there is not a health reason for your sexless marriage.
I asked and thought of all the reasons and had no idea he was a closet alcoholic. Especially you ladies that have husbands who are “stressed out” – there may be reasons he is pushing you away.
Most reasons are depression, they are getting it some place else, dependency, or hidden health issues.
Dated for 5 years, married for 20 and sexless for the last 10 years (and that is nothing for 10)
Found hook up sites etc.
I have very strong faith – understand all 10 of your points but when trust and intimacy are eroded – I’m not sure how to repair.
What I have found in both women and men that when they withhold – they are the ones with the problem. It is not you!!
Sadly this is my life. I am a 37 year male and my wife is 34. We just celebrated out 5th anniversary in August (been together 8 years total). So far in 2016 we have had sex 4 times. In 2015 we had sex 3 times. 2015 was understandable because our daughter was born earlier in the year. 2014 we only had sex because my wife was attempting to get pregnant. From 2011-2013 we had sex on average once every 3 months.
I have discussed it with my wife repeatedly and she promises to change each time but, nothing happens. I have resigned myself to being trapped until my daughter turns 18 in 16.5 years.
Honestly, I wish that I never gotten married. I hate being negative but, most of my married male friends are in the same situation. I so often want to tell younger guys not to get married as single life is so much more fulfilling for a man these days. I hate that I learned this after marriage.
I have not had any sex with my wife since February 14, 2006. She only “plays the blame game.” I cannot take her obesity anymore: 180+ pounds at 5′ 0″. She has always been sexually repressed. Why is it always the husband’s fault? Phooey! I stayed in the marriage because of God and the kids, who are now in their 30s, with kids of their own. I feel like a huge fool. I have gotten professional help for the ‘baggage’ from my childhood. She, on the other hand, will not seek or accept any pro help.
She’s gone from sexually incompetent to sexually dysfunctional. She claims to love me… but such claims no longer have any effect on me. Pitiful, ain’t it?
At least the kids are doing well.
Looking at “the marriage scene” of the 21st century, sharp men (eventually) realize that the deck is stacked against them… esp. for
Christian men. Laws that were enacted long ago to protect women / mothers w/ young children… are still on the books. But when that is combined with latter-day legal “liberation”, a guy doesn’t stand a chance.
For the record, even a married man who claims that he’s the father… cannot prevent his wife from obtaining an abortion—-even though the child is also HIS!!! Insanity!
Mainly, though, the problem is a man trying to satisfy the state AND satisfy God (or his religion)…. and that’s almost impossible. Lots of people, esp. women, won’t “hear” that… under any circumstances. My maternal grandmother literally believed that males were necessary evils at best…. and my own mother believed much of her baloney—-which may be why my own mother never loved me. I WISH that I could hold motherhood in high regard… and I do “in theory”. I only wish it was real… in my heart.
All I can do is to “keep on acting”.
I came across this article and thought, yes this is me. I’ve been married for 14yrs, two children, a house, and a dog. Sounds amazing I know. I am very loving and giving and affectionate. My husband believes in financial support, doing things to show love (like mowing lawns), but his family never says they love each other. I was raised Catholic but for the longest time my husband didnt really believe or have faith. As he has gotten older he is starting to. Sex/intimacy has been a long running issue. We have gone a year without sex. It always was me to bring up the conversation, usually in tears feeling like he lost the attraction. I tried and tried. He isnt an affectionate man but I had a hard upbringing and wanted normalcy…I came from divorce and never would imagine being here. After 14yrs of trying and giving, I feel nothing. I had to tell him. I feel numb and anger. I have seen a few therapists. He didnt want to go 3yrs ago and now that I feel nothing…now he wants to try. He wanted sex last night and during it, tears streamed down my face bc my heart was elsewhere. I feel like some god awful person when in reality, I’m confused, tired, hurt, and just a mess. I am scared to leave bc what if I regret it? I’m also scared to stay bc my heart is so conflicted and wants to be free and maybe explore something that will fulfill my needs as a woman who desires to be touched. Sex is great but even when someone hugs you as if they never want to let you go…thats what I want to feel. My husband keeps telling me I am.chasing a fairytale.or a permanent honeymoon. Making me feel like an idiot. Sometimes I just feel like being left alone. That I dont even want a man…bc if he isnt capable of trying to love me when I give my heart and soul to him, why bother?
I am a Christian man in what the EXPERTS state is a “sexless marriage.” Your comment isn’t true that if you’re having sex once a month, it’s not a sexless marriage. According to Ian Kerner, PhD, a licensed psychotherapist, couples therapist, and sex therapist. “If you’ve gone longer than 90 days without having sex, that might be considered a sexless marriage for you.”
I don’t remember the last time I had sex with my wife. Not that it isn’t memorable having sex with her, it’s just that it is so infrequent, my memory can’t hold onto the encounter.
I am SEVERELY DEPRESSED over the FACT that my wife, who is starting her 9th YEAR of going through menopause, doesn’t seem to be attracted to me. A couple of days ago, I was telling her that I felt like a loser. I am a 70% disabled military veteran whose energy level went through the floor 2 months ago, and hasn’t come back yet. I have been working my butt off trying to find work to supplement my military retirement and disability pay (which is $1864 per month). When my wife heard me tell her that I felt like a loser for not being able to earn more, she started to cry and told me that I was her “hero,” and that to her I wasn’t a loser. Her words are comforting, but her actions in bed prove otherwise.
All she can think about is getting out of debt. Sex is so far down on her list of priorities, I think the ink has faded on that line item.
In an attempt to peak her interest, a few years ago, I radically changed my appearance. I cut my hair, nicely trimmed my beard and mustache, and went to the second-hand stores to improve my wardrobe. I wear much nicer clothes now, for a fraction of the cost if I’d bought them new. I wear shirts, ties, colored socks, vests, suit coats, blazers, and sport coats, a tench coat, masculine scarves, nice shoes (SAS), and stylish hats. This new wardrobe has done only two things: made her initially question what happened to me that I’m not wearing “normal ” clothes any more, and OTHER people are ALWAYS complimenting me on my looks. SERIOUSLY! Men AND women at church are constantly complimenting me on my looks, and they’re even telling other people how good I look. My wife occasionally will compliment me. I’m 60 years old, am 5’9″ tall, weigh 130 lbs. soaking wet (1% proven body fat), and take VERY good care of my body, which is the temple of the Holy Spirit. I grow and eat organic fruits a vegetables, hunt for meat that is healthy, and teach men how to think, act and care for their bodies. My wife is morbidly obese (not my words – her physician’s words), is 5’1.5″ tall and weighs over 200 lbs. I think she’s beautiful, and I tell her this often. OFTEN! Her skin is impeccably silky and she turns me on, but… I don’t seem to turn her on. I feel VERY unattractive to her. Every comment out of her mouth is about one of two things: it’s either about money, or it’s about her work – she’s a caregiver for a disabled individual.
We have been using Dave Ramsey’s Debt Reduction strategies, have a Christian financial advisor, who has called us his “trophy couple,” and have paid $1735 PER MONTH over the past 9 months towards our debts, and have paid off 9 debts during that timeframe. Yet, she can’t seem to focus on anything else except those 2 things. Meanwhile, here I sit in a sexless marriage, feeling unattractive and useless in the bedroom. And, because of this, I have had to go back into therapy at the Golden VA Clinic in Golden, Colorado. My wife doesn’t feel that she needs counseling. She’s “just tired.”
The odd thing is this: she’s a multi-orgasmic woman, when we have sex. I ALWAYS pleasure her first. She NEVER initiates sex. NEVER! She has NEVER given me oral sex to orgasm. She always complains that it “hurts [her] jaws.” I am FASCINATEC by her body. She’s not the least bit fascinates by mine. At all.
All I want to do right now, while I am writing this to you, is cry. I feel like I am failing as a husband.
Michael McGrath:
Your wife is probably in such a bad palce physically that it’s affecting her mental and emotional state as well. Since she’s obese and is going through the menopause, her hormonal balance is completely out of whack. probably thyroid issues too etc…
There is nothing you can do exceot try to be an encouraging example of healthy living and lifestyle, praying that she’ll wake up from that state of slumber and apathy. You’re basically her primary caregiver.
My wife and I of 15 years have sexual intercourse probably once or twice a month, but I would call it a sexless marriage, simply due to the lack of intimacy. When we do have sex, it’s going through the motions and she just wants is over quickly. She typically has an orgasm, but she just wants it over with.
I first met my wife online and the chat quickly became preoccupied with sex. We would talk dirty, exchange naked pictures, and discuss sexual fantasies. After 2 failed marriages, I thought I finally met my equal in bed. I’m somewhat of a sexual addict; I would like sex at least once a day if not more. I’ve always resorted to porn and masturbation when I don’t get sex.
I noticed after a couple of years into the marriage, my wife started withholding affection and she just didn’t look at me the same way anymore. I always figured it was because twice she found out about my online porn habit. I would always swear I would quit, then several months later, I was back at it. I always reasoned that if she was going to withhold sex, I would take care of business myself.
We used to drink quite heavily and my wife was overweight, but I was still very much attracted to her. But I started noticing a trend that we only had sex when she was drunk – again, she was withholding affection and I doubted whether she was even attracted to me. We have both been sober for over 2 years now and my wife had weight loss surgery and lost over 100 lbs. There was a temporary resurgence in our sex life after the weight loss, but now it’s less than once a month, and she never initiates sex.
I finally have control over my sexual addiction and I am completely free of porn and masturbating. If we do have sex, it just makes me want it more, so now I am thinking that I would almost rather be celibate. In every other way, my wife and I get along great; we are best friends. I’m actually considering telling her that if I can’t have a steady diet of sex, I’d rather not have it at all. Maybe once or twice a year for special occasions.
Not being chained to porn or alcohol has really helped in my walk with God. Getting a divorce just so I can have more sex would be so devastating to our families. So here’s my advice to everyone thinking about leaving their spouse so they can be “happy” and have more sex – did God ever promise you happiness? No, sometimes that is your lot in life, deal with it. We were put on this earth to serve God and our fellow man. It’s not worth ruining everyone else’s life (kids, parents, friends, and family) just for some sex. Sex and intimacy are an important gift from God, but it’s not everything!
Maybe one day, my wife will appreciate me more and reciprocate with physical love and affection. The Greeks had six terms for love. Eros just happens to be one of the six that we are missing in my marriage, but it’s not worth splitting up. But until then, God isn’t done with me in this marriage; there’s no tapping out until death.
I hope my words can inspire other men (and maybe women) that a life of porn is empty and leads to spiritual death. You are kidding yourself if you think it’s not lust and you are not sinning against your spouse and God.
Phil,
That was beautiful. I’m sorry about your situation. I know there are several others out there going through the same thing. I pray your words will resonate to some. I have been touched by them myself.