Ok, I have met a few people who think marriage is easy.
But those conversations are rare. Count-on-one-hand-and-still-have-fingers-left rare.
Most people I meet who are willing to get vulnerable reveal something that tends to be more universal than unique — marriage is hard.
Worth it, yes. Rich with possibilities, yes. Designed by the Creator of the universe, yes.
But easy? Uh. No.
My beloved and I have been in a hard season in our marriage as of late. Certainly not insurmountable, but difficult and discouraging and “in-the-trenches” messy. We’re persevering, learning, coming out of it more aware, and — in many ways — deeper in love.
For that I am humbly and eternally grateful.
Some things — ok, many things — if they are not destroyed by fire, are refined. No place is this more true than marriage.
In this journey, I offer you three things to ponder:
1. Do the hard things of life draw you together or drive you apart?
It really isn’t a question of if life is going to throw you curveballs. It’s only a matter of when. And sometimes it’s not even curveballs. Sometimes it’s just life.
Whiney kids. Dwindling bank accounts. Rising expenses. Fast-growing lawns. Messy bathrooms. Demanding jobs. Endless laundry. Rogue calendars.
You. Get. The. Point.
In the hard things we’ve navigated lately, I’m increasingly aware of how better he and I do when the messiness doesn’t derail us. I wish I could say we are never derailed, retreating to our own corners.
But we are growing in our ability to stand back and take note and be wise in the face of adversity.
So pay close attention to what happens when life gets messy and hard, thus making your marriage messy and hard.
Can you find a a way to inch toward each other instead of run in opposite directions?
2. Are you willing to put in the extra effort to fight for you marriage?
When marriage is cruising along, it’s effortless to take things for granted. But when emotions are frazzled and miscommunication is staking ground in our hearts and home, our self-preservation mode (fueled by lies from Satan) compels us to do only the bare minimum…
Go through the motions. Be civil, but not humble. Be present, but not really available.
Well, that is a crappy approach to building anything that will endure.
Sometimes, we have to resist our natural tendency to coast. I’ve long believed that if unhealthy patterns (which are usually unintentional) go on long enough, they will become your normal. Who wants an unhealthy normal? Not. Me.
Putting in the extra effort — however that looks in your situation — is an intentional healthy God-honoring choice.
And more often than not, it’s hard to do. Sorry. That’s the truth. But on the other side of continually choosing to fight for your marriage, what you’ll likely end up with is a marriage — a strong covenant commitment that is safe haven.
3. What happens to your sexual intimacy in a hard season?
I love sex. I mean, really love it. And while all the physical pleasure aspects are awesome (hallelujah), I also am deeply turned on by the emotional connection to the man I married when we make love.
And I know what that connection does to our relationship — how it helps us extend grace. And who doesn’t need more grace during a hard season of marriage?
I know it comes as no surprise, but discord and division are not stellar aphrodisiacs. In fact, discord and division are horrible bedfellows to endearment and passion.
So what do you do in a hard season?
I know that some serious marriage problems are full of excruciating wounds. Sexual intimacy takes time to restore. If you are in one of those places (such as trying to heal from adultery or other deep betrayal), I encourage you to work with a professional counselor. And I encourage you to not take sex off the table indefinitely.
I believe, though, for most couples in run-of-the-mill hard seasons of marriage, sex still needs to be in the mix.
I know. I make it sound simple. Probably won’t be.
But here’s the cold truth: Satan is already trying to sabotage your relationship. When you stop having sex — which neither of you can biblically go get elsewhere — you unwittingly become a partner in Satan’s schemes. You compound problems rather than relieve them.
My last piece of wisdom? Pray for your marriage.
I didn’t save it for last because it’s least important. I saved it for last because it is most important and I want you to remember it.
God will always be in the business of meeting you in your deepest heartache. Yes, He already knows what is going on in your marriage. But He still longs for you to come to Him — raw and real — and talk to Him about it.
Marriage is easy. Said no one ever.
Copyright 2014, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
4 thoughts on “Marriage is Easy. Said No One Ever.”
Great article and great advice. Marriage is more of a journey (or process) than a destination as it requires and allows for continuing growth.
Points 1 and 2 above can be helped in the right direction if the spouses have the same priorities. What I mean is that it is crucially important that you make your spouse and your marriage a priority in your life. Leave your family (your parents and your siblings) and cling to your spouse. Some individuals have difficulty doing this and quite often are running back to their parents early in the marriage. What does that say to your spouse?! Recognize that there will be problems and friction and quarrels – and work these out together. Be forgiving.
Bravo for Point 3. Especially so in the hard times, make love with your spouse, frequently. This is hard to do amidst emotional resentments, but do it anyway. Withholding sex will only serve to increase resentments and weaken your marriage.
Thanks for being so honest and vulnerable with this post, Julie. Yes we all know those hard seasons, and your words are full of truth and wisdom.
Praying for you, your husband and your marriage.
“But here’s the cold truth: Satan is already trying to sabotage your relationship. When you stop having sex — which neither of you can biblically go get elsewhere — you unwittingly become a partner in Satan’s schemes. You compound problems rather than relieve them.”
But you yourself are getting it elsewhere. Your blog is a bitter pill to swallow. I would love nothing more than to get a “do-over” with someone else. But if you read I Cor. 7:10-11, and I Cor. 7:39 this is biblically not an option for a woman. I would be a practicing adulteress.
But I already am, anyway, because I keep falling into temptation in the relationship I’m in. So I might as well practice adultery with the benefits, instead of just mentally. It seems like my options are to either turn my back on God, or shut myself down sexually. I have been considering suicide based on Mark 9:43-48.
Please, tell me how you have justified your “do-over.” I want one, too. 24 years of misery is not a “hard season.” I *do* pray, I *do* put forth effort. I’ve already tried counseling, 3 times. Something’s gotta give.
Thanks for the article. One other item should be mentioned. When a couple is not able to resolve conflict on their own, it is time for them to consider getting professional help from a skilled third party. Working with someone who is willing to help the couple sort out their issues and facilitate reconciliation is often all that is needed to get the relationship back on track.
Dr. Ken Newberger