marriage problems, sexual intimacy, sexual intimacy struggles, Uncategorized
Be His Porn Star? Here’s the Problem…
Jan
Occasionally, I receive comments that track along this line…
“Wives, you should be his porn star.”
While I get the idea behind such statement (at least I think I do), here’s the problem…
1. “Be his porn star…” instantly stirs up negative connotations for women.
We as women, especially as wives, are not too keen on anything closely associated with the word “porn.”
(I deeply believe that any woman who says she is not bothered by her husband, boyfriend or father looking at pornography is either lying or deceived.)
Pornography has devastated and outright destroyed many marriages. It doesn’t just “feel” like betrayal. It is betrayal.
You could ask expert upon expert about the effects of pornography on individuals and on marriages, and the people who really study this sort thing (as well as nearly everyone who doesn’t study this sort of thing) will agree:
Porn causes horrendous damage to people and to relationships.
It tries to paint promiscuity in a positive light.
It distorts sex, creating completely unrealistic expectations and images.
It objectifies people, particularly women.
It can easily become addictive.
It replaces authentic intimacy with perceived intimacy (that really is anything but intimate).
It makes it extremely difficult, if not impossible, for the viewer to then connect authentically with their spouse.
It takes what is sacred and manipulates it, all for profit.
It often uses and preys upon people who are already marginalized.
It desensitizes perception of seriously dangerous behaviors of coercion, abuse and bondage.
It destroys trust and causes division and confusion between a husband and a wife.
Suffice to say, any time the word “porn” is brought up, we can’t help but face the truth of the damage it has left in its wake.
2. “Be his porn star…” likely will have the opposite effect.
Here’s the irony. If someone wants a wife to be more uninhibited and adventurous in bed, “be his porn star” is really the last thing they should say to her.
I have not viewed pornography, but I am aware enough of the industry to know what goes on there.
However, just because some sexual acts are depicted in pornography does not automatically make them off limits in marriage. Context means everything.
For example, many Christians consider oral sex to be acceptable and good within the exclusivity of a sexual relationship between a husband and wife.
And a wife seductively undressing in front of her husband — or wearing a sexy negligee — also are experiences that within the covenant relationship of marriage bring variety and sensual stimulation to the marriage bed.
And certainly there are many sexual positions besides missionary position that are not prohibited in marriage. Wife on top, for example, is a fabulously wonderful position.
All of those things I just mentioned show up in pornography on a regular basis.
And here’s where the irony comes in. If a wife hears “be his porn star” and she starts to think that anything depicted in porn is forbidden in her marriage, then she is likely to shut down.
She doesn’t want to even entertain the idea of doing something that mingles closely to “be his porn star” jargon.
And that’s unfortunate and sad.
Because she and her husband could be missing out on sexual intimacy that is scrumptiously delightful and passionate and pleasurable — all because she mistakenly thought all things that look like sexual variety are by their very nature also pornographic.
3. “Be his porn star” reeks with a “quick fix” mindset.
Not all struggles in a couple’s sexual relationship can be fixed quickly. “Be his porn star” may suggest to a wife that her legitimate concerns or struggles in bed can be solved simply by dressing sexier or performing any sexual act her husband requests.
This misses the mark, though, when what a couple truly needs is to genuinely dig into those struggles.
It’s not that they can’t overcome them and have profoundly enjoyable sex. But those struggles didn’t show up in one night and they won’t be fixed in one night — especially if “be his porn star” is the vehicle they’re using to get there.
So, what is a better approach?
Instead of telling wives “be his porn star,” we should encourage women to look closely at their sexual inhibitions. If you are rigidly opposed to any sexual variety, hold those inhibitions up to God’s Word and Spirit, and discern if such inhibitions are hurting your marriage more than helping it.
God is faithful to give us solid guidelines on what is acceptable in the marriage bed. And within those guidelines, sex can be a place of intense pleasure, excitement and connectedness for both you and your husband.
God, after all, is the mastermind behind sex, so He wants you to enjoy it immensely. I encourage you to read my post 5 Reasons You May Be Sexually Inhibited, as well as my post Modesty is Destroying Your Sexual Intimacy.
And if you and your husband are experiencing deep-rooted struggles in your sexual relationship, start asking yourselves what it will take for the two of you to look at those struggles and heal those painful places.
Wherever you are in your sexual relationship, I truly believe a husband and wife can play and rejoice upon a path of healthy, passionate, intimate sexual oneness. That is a worthy endeavor for sure.
But the phrase “be his porn star” won’t do anything to get you there.
Copyright 2014, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
What would be better than saying something like “wives, you should be his porn star”, would be “wives, be his lover”. Porn is sex in front of a camera. What ought to be going on in the marriage bed is lovemaking. (Making love brings into play the emotions and the caring, concern and respect for the spouse.) And, that is an important distinction. As you point out Julie, not all acts that are performed in porn are bad or tainted if they occur within a loving marriage. Au contraire! Context is key.
Husbands talk with your wife. Be patient with her. Sexual challenges can be worked through successfully over time. Work on satisfying her needs as well.
I really believe that God created our sexuality the way He did so that the lovemaking within the loving marriage would be and could be frequent, mutually pleasurable and passionate.
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OK, I get the negative connotations that come along with porn. “Be his porn star” is just short hand for the following:
1. Be enthusiastic
Sex is a team sport, not something that is simply to be done to the woman. Be verbal, be vocal, let your husband know what is working. And if something is not working, let him know what *will* work. Enthusiasm also encompasses appearance. Don’t wear a ratty old t-shirt to bed. Yeah, the lingerie will be on the floor in 5 minutes. So what – wear it anyway!!
2. Be creative (and don’t squelch your husband’s creativity)
I believe that most wives get tired of sex with their husbands because they do the same things in the same order time after time. Duh, right? Yet when the husbands try to introduce something new, they are shut down. So either bring your own creativity to the table, or encourage your husband to bring his – and be receptive to his suggestions.
3. Be the initiator (from time to time)
Most wives don’t want to initiate. If they do, they do so very subtly so they have plausible deniability. While I understand the reasons behind it, it is incredibly frustrating for husbands who never know when it’s OK to round the bases, and when wives simply want to cuddle. One of the big draws of porn for guys is that there is no doubt as to what the women want. I’m not suggesting the wife should always be the aggressor, but every once in a while when he’s not expecting it, just unzip his pants and go from there. Your husband will thank you.
Great post Julie,
The problem w/ “Be his porn star” is if your honest, no one wants to be that superficial. It is pure fantasy, not reality. Good, no great sex is hard work and takes a lot of time. But this where middle of the road marriages fail and good/great marriages succeed. They work at it like anything worth having in life. Hard! Porn is just plain lazy Devil’s playground! They may have mastered the physical part, but will never experience the mystery or intimacy of the connective glue that God allows to join those two souls “Into One Flesh”. I wish Christian Marriages would use this to promote purity more often.
Becoming an excellent Lover in a marriage should be a major study for each partner if they are to experience “all” of Gods Design for that marriage. The resources available are endless, especially with technology today. No one should have an excuse for being a lazy lover. But I still don’t hear the church exorting this very much!
Till Christians start to be honest w/ the awesomeness of God’s Design for Human Sexuality within the bounds of marriage, Satan will continue His stronghold on the easy satisfaction of porn.
Wow, I have never heard that phrase before! But it certainly would make many women cringe. I don’t want to bash on someone who uses this phrase however, because I get (and obviously you do too) what the implication is. The women in pornographic media are so sexy to some men because they WANT sex. Looking at these images makes men feel desirable, and a sexy wife is one who desires her husband desperately, no matter what act she is performing or how she is dressed or how much she weighs, etc.
I agree that a better approach is to look at inhibitions, and specifically your ideas of sex. Is sex something dirty that you don’t talk about, or something enjoyable and God-honoring in marriage? Do you refuse to do certain acts because you think they are “sinful” even though the Bible does not suggest such? Do you think your husband feels like you desire him sexually? By answering these questions, a woman can be her husband’s fount of rejuvenation and desire. And that’s way more awesome than being some fictional “porn star”!
Great post and even better message!
Bonnie writes : ” I agree that a better approach is to look at inhibitions, and specifically your ideas of sex. Is sex something dirty that you don’t talk about, or something enjoyable and God-honoring in marriage? Do you refuse to do certain acts because you think they are “sinful” even though the Bible does not suggest such?” She is right. In our marriage here is where the problem lies…. we don’t talk about sex or desires or anything about pleasure. After 36 years of marriage we still don’t. That poses a problem because it used to be “automatic” early in our marriage. Now, it takes a lot for me now due to age and surgeries that have caused a loss of sensation. I require more and new forms of stimulation ( nothing weird). I would like to talk outside the bedroom in a comfortable manner. My wife wants to talk during intimate moments. That scares me…. what if I tell her what I would like to try and she says no or thinks I am weird. The fact is that lack of communication is the biggest obstacle to a couples sexual fulfillment. If we don’t talk about sex, it is assumed to be something dirty, right? After all, we avoid those topics that cause us shame we learned as children. In essence, it is the 800 lb gorilla in the bedroom. Julie, thank you for this website and the informative discussion it provides. I pray it helps young married couples in their journeys. Unfortunately, I don’t think it will help mine. I have to accept that. I hope that is the lesson others can learn from.
Bonnie and Rico hit the nail on the head.
Attitude IS everything! Any man will tell you that a woman who is engaged in sex is automatically more attractive than the hottest woman who is not. Ladies, you don’t have to be a porn star. You just need to desire your husband, make it obvious, spontaneous, exciting and aggressive while being at least open to new ideas in the bedroom and you will be shocked at what your husband will be willing to do for you.
Example: I hate… HATE painting a perfectly good wall that already has a nice coat of paint on it. My wife came home the other day with a bottle of grapeseed oil. She even texted a picture of it to me while I was at work as a teaser. Now, keep in mind I plan on spoiling her with that oil. The fact that she bought it after I shared a link that I got from this very site showed me how engaged she can be. I’m ready to paint the entire interior if my house just because she did that. I can’t wait to crack the bottle and massage every square inch of her beautiful body!
Ladies, don’t be stupid about sexual inhibitions and just be open and engaged. Men, don’t be stupid about it and respect your wife. You will both be pleased!
I think when women hear “be his porn star” they hear he wants me do what. Rico and Bonnie MIke good points. Most men I think are attracted to porn because they see women that are in to sex. Now they know this is not real but it is the fantasy of a woman that want sex. Now we need to be honest that a lot of wives think if they show up and get naked they have done there part in the making love process. That been said a good amount of husband do try to romance there wives. I think the statement should be “be his fantasy” Talk and try new things communication
That phrase is definitely off – putting for sure. However, the concept makes sense as others have described. One thing for our wives to think about is “image replacement”. Most men have images and videos burned into their memories from past bad decisions, porn use, or even maybe past marriages that they would love to forget. Unfortunately, they’ll never get erased. The only way to make them less prone to recall is to replace them with wonderful, live, and loving experiences with our wives. So wives, do things with your husband that blow his mind from time to time (2-3 times a year) and your husband will be so endeared to you, the ‘normal’ sex will be even more amazing because “I’m getting to have sex with the woman who did _____ a few months ago!” Serve him by helping him rid his mind of all that past baggage and become the only thing he can remember. He’ll begin to only fantasize about you. He’ll begin to find things you love and do them. He’ll be challenged to be a better husband because after all, “who else has a woman who satisfies her husband like I’ve got?” It will give him amazing confidence in his career, too! Any man can go slay the dragon each day if he’s got a wife behind him who makes him feel like a man!
This post has stirred alot of thinking and emotions in me. Might break my thoughts up into a couple of comments.
As one who struggled with porn and strip joints, etc. before marriage, when any mention of porn etc. instantly stirs up negative connotations in my wife and I sense that from her, I instantly withdraw into that shame, silence, condemnation mode. The trouble with that is that then temptations increase for me- because one of the triggers for sexual acting out, is feelings of shame.
So sort of a vicious cycle.
I agree with alot of the commenters here about the positive desires that are probably being referred to by the “Be his porn star.” phrase.
Here are some possible ways to say it better, that might be less offensive to women, but still get the idea across.
Be the hot, sexy wife of his dreams.
Wow your man with your hotness.
To you husband “I will show you what a real hot sexy lover is like that will show you what a fake porn stars are.”
I am going to keep thinking about better ways to phrase the deeper desire.
I like what others have suggested as alternative wordings to convey the spirit of the advice behind the phrase “be his porn star.” ‘Be his Fantasy’ was the first way I thought to reword it like Jason said, and I love what Othree said about blow his mind 2-3 times a year. If a husband’s mind is blown a couple times a year, that would do wonders to reshape his fantasy life. I know it would for me.
I want to be haunted by images of my wife showing me how much she values me and desires my happiness. I’m not prone to porn like many men, so there aren’t really other women competing for starring roles in my fantasies. But the only fuel for my imagination that my wife gives me is the same predictable encounters we have about every week and a half when she’s ready and willing.
No woman wants to be asked to act like a character off a movie screen that is acting out sexual acts to visually pleasure men.
As a wife that has been married for more than 25 years, I have to sadly admit that I am just plain bored when it comes to my intimate life. And before I get condemned for my statement let me just say that my husband is a very unselfish lover to whom I come first. We also share the same belief that intimacy is for both of us equally, with variety thrown in to keep things interesting. But honestly eventually whatever you do over and over will become same old, same old no matter how creative you are. After reading many blogs over the past year where men are complaining about the lack of passion in their MB, I just wonder if there are other wives sharing what I feel, not dislike of sex but just boredom from same predictable encounters that we have every week. Just saying.
I discussed this topic with my wife. The response I got was this: “women are like crockpots and men are like microwaves. Women are not really like what you see in porn”. I’ve heard this line before, my response was this: “men may be like microwaves, but the microwave isn’t empty when you open the door. Now, who wants to start a crockpot, wait for it to get ready, and then remove the lid only to find it is empty inside?”
Essentially, if you want your man to put the effort into getting you to the point where you want to have sex, you had at least make it worth the effort. Sex with a disinterested partner is more demeaning and/or damaging to a man than masturbation. And that is just one reason why a large number of men would rather masturbate while looking at porn than take a chance on an empty crockpot.
….take a chance on an empty crockpot!
After a while, you just realze that it is what it is! So sad. God never intended it to be this way. But I know he will wipe away all the tears when we get home.
Big D, not sure if your reply was directed to me or if it was meant to be just in general, but if it was, yep I get you metaphor about the microwave and crockpot. But what I was really referring to has nothing to do with disinterest or making an effort on my part or his part,but more about the predictability of an encounter. The post above mine has expresses the same concern and it was posted by a man.
I also agree that sex with a disinterested partner is demeaning and/or damaging to the other “partner” than masturbation.
Lulu, it was a general comment.
I do get where you are coming from in terms of predictability. I refer to it as expected disappointment. It’s a tough mindset to be in because ultimately, if you expect to be disappointed, you probably will be regardless of what your spouse does.
Over the last few weeks I’ve gone from hope to skepticism. This, because my wife just not willing to do anything beyond her comfort zone, which I find both boring and undesirable. Her idea of excitement is creating a checklist and then checking things off. Sadly, our sexual relationship feels like just another checklist item that gets moved around based on her convenience. And when a convenient opportunity is there it is very likely she will fill that time with something unimportant.
I used to think it was me and I would get depressed or angry. But looking back at my past experiences it’s clear to me that although I don’t claim to be a rock star in bed, I’ve never had a sexual relationship that was as trivial and utterly ridiculous as the one I am currently a part of. It’s just maddening when someone finds that their smallest self-indulging want comes before your greatest need of that person as a spouse.
I guess I am confused. Why is porn considered betrayal, but sexual refusal is not? There are far too many women who will scream about the evils of porn, but have no problem with refusing their husbands for years at a time. However, no pastor will ever touch the subject. Ok, vent over, I will go back to suffering in silence.
@sean… I never said sexual refusal wasn’t a betrayal. I talk a lot about the sin of sexual refusal and how it’s not acceptable.
That’s why I wrote this post, among many…
https://intimacyinmarriage.com/2013/08/28/the-sexual-sin-no-one-will-talk-about/
Great post Julie! My wife and I have been blessed by your ministry. People need to lighten up and quit looking to be offended when none is given. Thanks again from a very blessed husband!
Thank you for the clarification Julie. After 4 years of celibacy, I am probably too sensitive about it.
I loved this post. Very true. However, as you know, this type of statement can come out of much frustration. If a husband has ever used these words I would also caution the wife to look at herself as much as the husband should. Many times a statement like this can show an extreme attitude caused by the lack of communication &/or sex to begin with. I wouldn’t know of any husband that would literally want his wife to be his porn star. Yet, almost any husband would want his wife to be as confident & uninhibited in marriage sex as a porn star is in her sex. Many wives hold sex for ransom. Not just the act, but the attitude & security as well. Many husbands want to have fun, but many wives want it to be over. Too afraid that the kids will burst in, the phone will ring, or it’ll be too messy. If wives would give as much effort to making sex fun & comfortable for both as they do in making excuses not to, statements like this wouldn’t exist. Solution is in how God deals with us. He sets boundaries but allows for the mess of growing up & growing together. The perfect husband or wife does not exist. The only way two can be one is time & willingness to enjoy what God has given. That means an attitude of fun while we walk the path together. A demanding wife may end up one day with a husband that’s decided to live in the corner of the roof rather than with her. I wish wives like that would see the burden & pain they not only inflict on others but on themselves.
Ok, something for us men. In the flavor of Julie’s post we husbands do shoot ourselves in the foot by saying things like this. I sometimes wonder if we husbands get the idea that silence is golden. I don’t mean that we reserve ourselves to doing nothing to grow our marriage, sex or otherwise. What I mean is that when we are alone in this endevour stealth is an essential weapon. One reason why this statement is the wrong thing to say is the take of our wives. We husbands think our wives ought to get it when they can’t. They may not be equipped to. May not be mature enough, or may be distracted. Wives can be selfish, yes, but wives can be scared or uneducated too. So, when we yet again talk, she can turn off. Making this porn star statement is yet another stopping of the ears. But, how can we get her to unstop her ears? How can we get them to spend time with us? Soften instead of harden her heart? Stealth. 1st is developing Christlikeness, put your walk with God first, then you can better handle ANY result of your efforts. & know better what efforts to put forth. This should occupy your existence. 2nd is be a man without telling her you are. Show her any changes in your life that happen from the 1st point. Women need to know the security of a husband before they become vulnerable. Start silently building that wall of self control & honor toward your God, marriage, & wife. Stop what is not working. Stop whatever causes her to shut down. Stop giving her ammunition. It may seem like giving her her selfish way, but it is Christlikeness. God always gives us our demands while letting us deal with consequences. This is secondary though to being the foot washer God calls us to be. Get it out of your head that you need rewarded for your acts. Don’t do this for her do it for God. Isn’t that what Jesus did for you? 3rd & last, give the agenda & timing to God. Don’t time the results, don’t expect a return in kind, & don’t expect something she is not capable to give. You will see Gods moving in her heart. Pray for her. Pray for your own patience. The whole of this is making yourself better for God. The symptom of this will be a better marriage & sex life. But the greater result is a man of God who walks on water rather than drowns in a sea of frustration. A better you serving with Christlikeness whether your marriage gets better or not. I know this isn’t what we want to hear. It’s not a quick fix & it may not even fix it. It is, though, the best chance at becoming a man of God. Jesus to the earth. This place is supposed to be hard, trouble, & trying. God has allowed it to happen this way. He created us to lead to Him. I have to ask myself what is more important sex or Him. Doesn’t He say if we seek Him first He will give all other things to you. I am challenged to put my money where my mouth is, my faith where my God is. Love.
What if I’m a woman who looks at porn?
@rspade… I recommend you take a look at the site http://dirtygirlsministries.com. It was founded by a gal who has worked closely with helping women overcome pornography use, sex addiction, etc.
Thank you for commenting…
Ok so i can’t ask my wife to be my porn star but she spend my money like a politician, nag at me like my mother and hold sex for ransom that i never get even if i do what she wonts….and you wonder why men look forward to dying
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Sean asks how porn is considered betrayal yet refusal isn’t . I guess the major difference is that porn is a betrayal of the entire female gender
When a man decides to support an industry that routinely calls women disgusting names that slaps them and sees them penetrated in every possible orifice even when in pain . When a man enjoys watching material by an industry that sexualises teenage girls then THATS when we can talk about betrayal
Anything else is really not really a blip on the radar
I’m sorry but men really need to stop putting their penises and orgasms above the humanity of women
Start respecting women in general then marriages might start improving
However, the point of saying, “Be his porn star,” is that she would be HIS porn star. Not the public’s. The point would be that she would reveal herself, be aggressive, desire him and sex with him, be uninhibited, and, sometimes, put on a show for him. I’m really having trouble seeing what’s wrong with that, especially with the situations I see many relationships in today. In fact, I think that it should work both ways and he should be HER porn star. Many men feel undesired and even ugly because of their wife’s sexual refusal and lack of interest. The wife, feeling constantly desired, has no way to relate to her husband feeling undesired and so she dismisses his pain. Again, I don’t see the problem with encouraging women to be a porn star for ONE man – her husband.