Why Did I Write a Sex Book?

The really short answer to the question is because Jeff Murphy asked me if I would write a book with him about sexual intimacy in marriage.

And I said yes.

Jeff had already co-authored a book called The Solution for Marriages: Mentoring a New Generation.

He and his wife Glynis have a passion for marriages, and they have done a phenomenal job mentoring couples.

Whether you have been in marriage crisis or know of marriages in crisis, then you know that marriage mentoring is not easy work (for the mentors or the mentees).

It is heart work.

Tireless.

Fraught with the dance of “two-steps-forward-one-step-back.”

One thing Jeff and Glynis consistently discovered in their mentoring is what I discovered every time I opened my email in box or clicked on the comments on my blog — sex is a big struggle in many marriages.

So Jeff and I (and our spouses to a lesser extent) began on this journey to write Pursuit of Passion: Discovering True Intimacy in Your Marriage.

We believe it can help couples better understand not only why sex is a gift from God, but also how to experience it in a way that will make your marriage better, stronger and more enjoyable.

The long answer to why I wrote a sex book?

Well, the long answer is that I can never quite escape this heart burden to speak about this area of sex in marriage.

And trust me.

There are times I want to escape it.

Not because I don’t care.

But because I care so much that I’m almost wrecked every time I hear from someone who is beyond discouragement and devastation with the lack of sexual intimacy in their marriage.

It’s not like I’m completely unfamiliar with such devastation.

I once was the spouse doing the rejecting, long ago in my first marriage. I was the one who thought sex was something I would pay closer attention to “someday,” only to never get an opportunity for someday.

The long answer to why I wrote a sex book?

I’m trying to spare people from “someday” thinking.

Sexual intimacy struggles do not fix themselves. They are fixable, but they don’t fix themselves.

And I long to shed light into those places.

The long answer to why I wrote a sex book?

If we as Christians aren’t going to speak up favorably and specifically and adamantly about the extraordinary need for nurtured sexual intimacy, then what hope do we have that marriages will ever be all God desires they be?

What hope do we have that young people will stop cycles of sexual promiscuity when they are single and sexual apathy when they are married?

I know on an intimate and personal level what happens when my husband and I place high value on making love.  It is not only good for our marriage; it is good for me. For him. For us.

It’s good for our kids too, because they have two parents who are friendlier to each other. Appreciate marriage more. Are better able to reflect Christ outside our home because of what happens inside our bedroom.

The long answer to why I wrote a sex book?

If even one thing in this book speaks to your marriage or to the marriage of someone you care about… even just one sentence or one paragraph gives courage or insight to nurture intimacy… then isn’t it worth it?

I have to believe it is worth it, because sex is gift — and too many couples don’t know that.  Well, they don’t know it yet (always an optimist, I am).

Curious what is in the book?  Here is what we dig into:

• Chapter 1: Why a Book on Sex for Christians
• Chapter 2: A Biblical View of Sex and Marriage
• Chapter 3: True Intimacy: Are You having Sex, Making Love or Experiencing Perfected Lovemaking?
• Chapter 4: Preparing for Your Honeymoon and Marriage
• Chapter 5: Turning on That Loving Feeling — Desire, Arousal and The Plateau Phase of Sex
• Chapter 6: Orgasm — God’s Gift for You and Your Marriage
• Chapter 7: Talking Together About Sex
• Chapter 8: Honest Answers to Real Questions About Sex
• Chapter 9: Protecting Intimacy in Your Marriage
• Chapter 10: Maintaining Intimacy as New Parents
• Chapter 11: Limiting the Possibility of An Affair
• Chapter 12: Dealing With Sexual Challenges
• Chapter 13: Healing From Sexual Brokenness
• Chapter 14: Other Resources
• Addendum 1: Potential Health Benefits From Sex
• Addendum 2: Developing Your Relationship With God

We also include questions at the end of each chapter to spark authentic dialogue between a you and your spouse.

The long answer to why I wrote a sex book?

I want to help married couples.  And until God tells me to stop, I’m going to keep trying to help.

Keep writing.

Keep speaking.

Keep asking people hard questions about sex in their marriages, even when common sense would tell me to keep my mouth shut.

Yes. I often ask my girlfriends how their sexual intimacy is in their marriage. (They are so used to me asking, that I’m pretty sure they expect it every time we meet for coffee. Or wine.)

I’m going to walk in faith that the book Jeff and I wrote will help…

an engaged couple preparing for marriage…

and a couple struggling to find time for sex while in the throes of parenting…

and a couple coming up on 10 years of marriage wondering if sex can become a safe haven…

and a woman who loves her husband but has never had an orgasm…

and a man who just doesn’t know how to tell his wife that sex is more than just sex to him.

Yes, I’m praying in confidence that countless couples will glean from the book the encouragement and insights they need for a more intimate marriage.

That’s why we wrote the book.

Pursuit of Passion: Discovering True Intimacy in Your Marriage.  On Amazon Kindle. Apple. Nook. You can also follow us on twitter @PursuitOPassion @Intimacy4Life and @MarriageMentor

Copyright 2013, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.