marriage problems, sexual intimacy, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
The Sexual Sin No One Will Talk About
Aug
I once heard someone say that when a married couple mutually values and nurtures sexual intimacy, then sex is really not an “issue” in the marriage.
In other words, healthy sexual intimacy is so woven into the fabric of how they do life that they barely notice it as a separate entity.
The positive effects of all that great sex seem to show up throughout the marriage, yet a couple wouldn’t necessarily be able to pinpoint such benefits. The marriage is simply characterized by a shared sense of being on the “same page” and the “same team,” often with a fair amount of joy and grace.
On the other hand, if sex is rarely or never happening, it usually is a big issue. A very big issue.
The lack of sex permeates every aspect of the marriage, tarnishing even the simplest of interactions with disdain and resentment.
“I don’t really want to take out the garbage or do anything for you. I am so tired of being your roommate. I am so tired of feeling rejected.”
The rejected spouse doesn’t necessarily speak out loud those sentiments (or any resemblance of them), yet the marriage is characterized by the weight of disillusionment and disappointment. The lack of sex affects everything.
What does this have to do with sin?
More often than not, when we think of sexual sin, particularly in the context of marriage, what comes to mind? Pornography and adultery, right?
If we lined up 100 people and asked each to name a sexual sin that gravely impacts marriage, I would bet my last dollar that the majority would say either pornography or adultery (or both).
Would anyone mention the sin of ongoing sexual refusal?
We are incredibly quick to identify pornography and adultery as sexual sins that damage and, in some cases, destroy marriages.
We are painfully slow, though, to identify sexual refusal as a sin. Yet we know… we know… that this sin too damages and, in some cases, destroys marriages.
We need look no further than our own marriages (if sex is not mutually valued) or those of people we know. We need to look no further than the advice column that shows up in our local newspaper, or in the conclusions and research that spill forth from the counseling industry (Christian and secular).
When sex is rarely or never happening in a marriage, it causes division, discouragement and, in some cases, divorce. It’s a serious issue, to say the least.
And more than being an issue, ongoing sexual refusal is a sin.
God clearly tells (and reminds) married couples to have sex… and not just to have it, but to have it often. He gives no other biblical options for a married person to seek sex except with their spouse.
“Have it often with your spouse and don’t have it with other people” is a mantra that permeates all corners of the Bible.
Is it more or less serious than pornography or adultery? In God’s book, sin is sin is sin.
I definitely think sexual refusal is more subtle than pornography or adultery. But its subtlety does not make it any less severe. And it doesn’t make it any less painful.
Ironically, though, this sin of sexual refusal — rather than grieving our Christian hearts — commonly is fodder for comedy. Girlfriends gather for wine night or Bunco and laugh at each other’s sarcastic remarks about their husbands always wanting it.
Or we flip on nightly sitcoms, where marital sex inevitably is pigeonholed into a predictable scene of a goof-ball panting husband wanting sex and his oh-so-much-more-mature wife rolling her eyes, annoyed with what she sees as nothing more than his animalistic and unrefined desires.
Now, far be it from me to say that this sin of sexual refusal is an easy one to acknowledge, repent of and correct. It’s not easy. Maybe not any easier than repenting of pornography or infidelity.
And I’m not one to throw stones.
In my first marriage, I was the one carelessly not nurturing our sexual intimacy, and I have no doubt such carelessness is what compelled my then husband to march us into divorce court. Sure, it would have been nice if he would have found it in his heart to stop at a counselor’s office long before that, but he didn’t. And at that point, my pleading fell on deaf ears.
The damage was done.
So, suffice to say, I am intimately aware of some of the costs of sexual refusal.
I learned a lot from that pain and regret, which is probably why sex in my current marriage is happening often and enjoyed immensely by both of us. (In case you were wondering, I still did repent of my careless ways and apologized to my ex-husband, even though I was already remarried).
If you are married and the sin of sexual refusal is laying claim to your marriage, why not humbly and courageously give repentance a shot before you’re facing regrets? There are countless couples who have been where you are, and have found that on the other side of repentance is tenacious and God-filled hope.
God is about healing brokenness and making all things new.
But He won’t do it for us. We have to partner with Him in that.
For the sake of marriages, Christians have a tremendous opportunity (and responsibility) to stop ignoring (collectively and individually) this sin of sexual refusal.
We have nothing to lose and much to gain through honest dialogue about sex — and what it means to protect it, savor it, nurture it and pursue it in our marriages.
For more great reading on sexual refusal, check out Paul Byerly’s post The Sin the Church Ignores.
Copyright 2013, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
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Julie,
Thank-you for you comments, and it so refreshing to hear from somebody who is so completely honest. I have taken your advise and have written a Love Note to my bride, expressing all of the gratitude, love, and respect that I share with her. I am finally starting to open my heart and soul to my wife, although I am scared to death of the possibility of rejection.
I would like to start educating myself on how to build a Strong and Intimate Christian marriage based on True Love. There are so many Christian books out there, I wouldn’t know where to start. Based on your wealth of knowledge can you or someone else give me some direction. I am slowly trying to open my eyes to the endless possibilities and like you said “if we keep doing what we are doing, we will get what we have gotten”. I am praying that we can change, and I am willing to take a chance.
Dad
Thanks for your article. I want to share a new concept I started In my own marriage. It is what I call The Policy. The Policy, which we always grin while talking about, is that I will say Yes to sex, and if at all possible whenever he wants it. If there is a day where I am obviously tired or sick or something schedule-wise is going on, my husband is always very sweet and patient in waiting for a better time, because he is so well-satisfied that waiting is easy.
So Yes is the rule, and Wait is the exception. I am so happy that he is happy and satisfied, and I was surprised how MUCH sex a normal middle aged man would want! I was even more surprised how much I like this new routine too! The more we have, the more we want, and we have gotten more creative too. We are closer on many levels too, and that is so neat.
I do believe that as a Christian wife, it is my responsibility to BE THERE for him, to satisfy him, to not defraud him, to make him my priority. I love him more and more, and he feels loved and accepted by me. We have been married almost 30 years and the last couple years have been the best. We are blessed. I used to say No so much, and I had no idea how it was hurting my husband and our marriage. He loves me so much and would do anything for me, and I feel the same about him.
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I wish people would see this in the same light as porn and adultery
AND I WISH GOD WOULD CONVICT JUST AS MUCH AS HE DOES WITH PORN AND ADULTERY HE NEEDS TO RIDE THOSE PEOPLE’S CONSCIENCE LIKE HE DOES THE ONES THAT COMMIT ADULTERYand watch porn.
Then things would change
@Carla: you have found God’s answer for a happy marriage, please share it with your friends and most importantly, any children you have.
@Kevin: you’re absolutely right. All we can do as individuals is to treat both sins (neglect and affairs/porn) as the same in our personal lives.
Unfortunately I believe the only way to change a refusing wife is to leave her. Long talks, honest letters, prayer, communication, etc… all good, and all have been tried, but unfortunately these do not change a refusing wife. A wife who refuses gets away with it until her husband leaves her — first emotionally and then physically. That is a sad fact of life.
Julie’s life experience is a common one, sad to say. Should a good Christian husband in his 40’s have to give up sexual satisfaction for the rest of his life just because his wife is through with sex?
One spouse, the refusing wife can “win” while her husband loses, or both can lose in a destroyed marriage. Take your pick.
Nice article. There are the same principles in Islam as the ones you mentioned in christianity regarding sexuality. For example, a saying of the prophet says that whenever a man (or woman) makes sex with his partner, he (she) gets a reward. Also, it is considered as sin if a partner refuses sex with his (her) spouse without reason, etc.
I live in a similar situation (sex-starved marriage) with a wife who is not interested in sex and considers it as a very secondary issue. She refuses any discussion about it. She refused all books I bought about the subject, including two excellent books written by Michele Davis “Sex-starved marriage” and “sex-starved women” I really advise every one to read them, even “healthy” couples… I bought the “sex-starved women” book just to show her that women also may suffer from this problem and that “I do not exaggerate” as she always claims. The books propose many solutions, however, it stresses on communication…
No sex is better than lousy sex. I’m not doing all the work in bed with someone who would obviously be doing something else. I’ve given up and accepted that this is the kind of marriage she wants. At least I’m not beating my head against the wall that apparently I’ve been communicating with. I think I liked my wife better when she was lying to me about who she was. I’ve given up on trying to romance her and whatnot after having done so only to be disappointed in the end by her lack of interest and unwillingness to do nothing beyond lying on her back. I love my wife endlessly, and because I do I feel if I don’t accept this pathetic sexual relationship it will be the end of our marriage. And I probably wouldn’t feel this way if her grand idea wasn’t to destroy our sexual relationship efforts by wanting to have another child and putting more strain on us both a sexually and financially. But what she wants is obviously vastly more important than what I need.
Sexual refusal IS adultery.
@Sean… I don’t think it’s apples-to-apples comparison to a spouse having an affair (few couples would throw them into the same category), BUT I hear what you are saying. Ongoing sexual refusal, especially with no willingness on the refusing spouse to address the issue and move toward healthier choices, is certainly sinning against God and destroying the marriage covenant.
The one thing that I don’t see in all of these comments & article is what is tearing me apart in my marriage right now. My wife takes the biblical passage that she should offer her body to me on occasion but dreads it & wants it over fast. Then she is off the hook biblically. I want my wife to actually desire me like I desire her. My desire for her equalls my love for her. When she doesn’t desire me, I feel no love from her. I haven’t felt it for so long that I can’t remember when I did! I’ve been dealing with this for 20 yrs & I’m ready for it all to be over! We’ve talked, cried, argued, etc about it for yrs. And I’ve prayed a lot about it!!! We have done some secular counseling as well. I’ve always come away from it all with her saying,”This is who I am, I am me & I wouldn’t be me if I had to change all of these things!” One example, she has never even considered oral sex for me in 20 yrs. I have asked if just trying once would be an option but I’m looked at as immoral for even considering. We went through a spell of me performing oral for her & I know she really enjoyed it. She refuses me to do it anymore because I feel she thinks that it should be reciprocated. I enjoy doing it for her. As well, I let all with life pile up about 3 yrs ago with this marriage bed problem being the largest. I considered suicide but in turn contacted a counselor. My wife’s response to my consideration of suicide was far from loving. She seemed angry that I would leave all our financial woes on her & the raising of our boys up to her. That opened my eyes to question her true love for me. I still question it. Presently, I’m truly contemplating divorce! Any advice would be appreciated!
This just happened to me a few months back. I agreed to counseling with a hireling shepherd (licensed 501c3 pastor) and his wife. They were counseling my frozen wife and me. Not only did they not defend me against my wife’s slippery evasion of their weekly intimacy advice, but there came a point where I was practically begging him to tell my wife that her chronic refusal of sex with me was a scriptural sin. Reluctantly and tepidly, the cowardly man acknowledged this, but then, instead of holding her feet to the fire, he quickly dropped this line of conversation and moved onto more safe grounds for him, like what sins males in marriages typically commit, instead of the usual female ones. I am sure this man would insist he is not a “feminist” but I am sure for myself that his actions most certainly are in accord with feminism. He’s an American evangelical castrotto– in other words, he’s your typical modern American “pastor.”
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Word! Thank you for writing this, and thank you for your transparency and willingness to be vulnerable. I believe this post is going to change lives! 🙂
@2into1:
A) I am not talking about a marriage where a wife devalues an “explosive orgasm,” as you put it. I am talking about a marriage where a wife refuses to her husband any and all access to her body, virtually always, despite the vows she took to never do such a thing.
B) The New Testament declares that if you have enough faith, you ought to be able to handle poisonous snakes without any fear. Being the New Testament Absolute Literalist you profess to be, I ask you: Would you be afraid to pick up a rattlesnake? If so, you can excuse yourself however you want, but I am seeing an obvious inconsistency here. The passage about the poisonous snake handling is actually even more direct in the New Testament than anything the NT says about divorce. Go check it out.
C) oh, and one last thing: if I should fall into a wretched porn addiction in large part as a result of my wife’s sin of sexual neglect, but I still want her to rub my feet, are you going to come to my defense, or are you going to fire both barrels if castigation at me and tell my wife that she doesn’t owe me anything until I stop the porn?
I’m just looking for some consistency here, bro. Are you going to show me some?
I am now a refuser. Why? The effects of unconfessed porn (and God only knows what else) has finally taken it’s toll on me. Denial and minimizing is all I got when I would catch him. After 8 years of giving him nearly everything he wanted (except anal sex…sorry, just can’t do that one)…I have nothing left to offer. The shame that I never could measure up meant that I dressed in the closet, showered with the door locked, and over time, cringed when he threw the “it’s time” look my way. His libido was always sparked by lust for others…I never got a look from him “that way” no matter how hard I tried. There is no intimacy and never has been. It is nothing but “popular mechanics”…how many times he can get me to the big “O” is an ego boost for him.
I must say that if married sex was intended to prevent temptation, well, it is been of no effect…the devil has enjoyed a real heyday in our bedroom. Done. Garden CLOSED….and now I do not have to concern myself with what he chooses to do further…or what a failure I must be to him each time he critiques our performance. Let the chips fall where they may.
We are early sixties…apparently, this plagued his last marriage as well. Maybe a drought will remind him of the gentle rain of Grace he once had…God help us both.
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I am in so much pain right now. My wife and I have not had sex for 7 months and it does not seem to effect her at all. However, I am devastated, constantly trying to avoid temptation, and struggling severely with my self esteem. We have been having marital issues and we feel that we have “fallen out of love”. We both know what each others needs are. Hers is gifts, quality time, and words of affirmation. Mine is physical touch and that includes of course, sex. She says she has no desire to touch me at all and we have not touched in 7 months either. This hurt my feelings. She admitted that even when we were first married, sex sometimes was out of obligation and that hurt too. For the past while, I have been trying so very hard to meet her needs and give her a reason to love me, but she has never tried to meet mine. I have not asked her to hold my hand or touch me because she said she does not feel the desire to do so at all. I recently had trouble with pornography because I was feeling so very rejected, unwanted, and unloved. I told her about it. She was not happy obviously and I am not happy with my choice. She and church leaders I have confessed to throw this on me so hard saying that everything that has been going on is my fault. No body understands what I go through. What I have went through. They have not been in my shoes. I have been trying and trying to resist temptation while at the same time, not bothering my wife with sex because I know she doesn’t want it. I have never felt so low in my life. I don’t know what to do. Don’t get me wrong, I take full account that what I did was not right, but am I completely to blame? I feel like I am. Again, no one could understand how difficult it is avoid temptation unless you are in my shoes. Feelings of being unloved with feelings of being unwanted, with feelings of an unhappy marriage, with feelings of knowing that your wife does not want to have sex with you, along with natural sexual desire feelings, makes things so hard. I don’t even want to look at pornography. All I want is to have a healthy sexual relationship with my wife where BOTH of us want it and are happy with it. That is all I desire. However, I feel like I’m a selfish, pig that has sinned and that I am unloved by everyone and god. I wish I could rewind my life and start over sometimes. I feel so much anguish from sinning and I feel like I am the only reason my family is in Jeopardy.
This is a really difficult area for me to understand.
Clearly refusal, where one spouse is saying no most of the time for no reason is a sin – but in my experience, there is almost always some reason for near or complete refusal. So whether refusal is a sin or not hinges on the validity of that reason.
The danger is extending it to situations where one spouse is not providing sex that is hot enough or frequent enough for the (lets call them) the sex hungry spouse.
For example, lets say your spouse is a wonderful lover who takes you to mind blowing places, but only wants have sex once a week, doesn’t want to perform oral sex because they think its disgusting, and doesn’t want to do certain positions because they think the positions focus too much on gratifying the body and not on loving the whole person. You are “unsatisfied” because you want more and hotter sex. I don’t think in this situation your “less adventurous” spouse is sinning.
Not in your article, but elsewhere, I have read where the “sex hungry” spouse accuses the “less adventurous” spouse I describe above of sinning. I don’t think the “less adventurous” spouse is sinning. I think this is a misinterpretation of Corinthians.
What do you think?
And does anyone have any links to a good quality bible analysis of this issue – is it a sin to decline certain requests for frequency and sex acts, even though that leaves your spouse unsatisfied, though both spouses would agree that in general the sex is crazy good ?
Less adventurous spouse is 10 out of 10 satisfied with the sex and sex hungry is maybe 7 or 8 out of 10. If less adventurous does the things sex hungry wants, LESS ADVENTUROUS will drop to 7 or 8 out of 10 and SEX HUNGRY might get to 9 or 10 out of 10.
Who is sinning if anyone, “sex hungry” for pushing too hard or “less adventurous” for declining.
Thanks so much for the great blog post and the opportunity to comment!!
@TGSantini… thank you for your comments.
One thing I always come back to is that the foundation has to be love. It’s not loving to force certain acts and it’s not loving to refuse sex completely.
I think God implores married couples to not take this matter of sex lightly. If a couple is capable, they should be having sexual intercourse on a regular basis (they would have to mutually arrive at what “regular basis” means).
As for sexual acts outside of sexual intercourse, I certainly look at it on a spectrum of what would be considered reasonable to unreasonable. While I certainly think oral sex is reasonable, I don’t think a situation where one person is forcing another person or belittling them for not doing it is really an approach based in love. In the same regard, if the spouse who doesn’t want to do it doesn’t really have reasonable reasons beyond “I just don’t like it,” then I would encourage them to see if that approach is based in love.
Other acts like anal sex, etc., I think it’s completely understandable that this is not an apples to apples comparison to something like oral sex. All sexual acts are not the same, and as such, I think it’s more reasonable why a spouse would not want to engage in anal sex (there are more risks, it’s usually just pleasurable for the man performing it on the woman, etc., etc.)
So, that’s my longwinded way of saying I don’t think it’s a sin to decline certain requests.
I think couples need really good ongoing communication about their sexual intimacy, need to base their approaches in love, and need dig into God’s Word for a complete picture of what godly marital love looks like, including sexual love.
Hope this is helpful.
@TGSantini – Holding sex to no more than once a week can be selfishly sinful. I believe in general that once a week sex is a starvation diet for most people and most reasons given for not providing more are not reasonable. If you can’t have sex with your spouse 2x a week, your priorities are out of line. Certainly If you can’t have sex AT LEAST once a week, you are a refuser. Frequent and regular sex in marriage is one of the major reasons FOR marriage. If that isn’t happening, under most circumstances, your marriage is not healthy.
The Apostle Paul’s recommendation for dealing with sexual temptation is marriage so that each can have their own spouse to have sex with. (I’m being blunt in my language for the sake of brevity) It makes ZERO sense that a marriage should then have sex on such a sparing schedule that “burning”is increased, not decreased. in fact, if you don’t have a need for sex, his personal recommendation is to stay single. That puts sex, with the implication of a sufficient frequency to help deal with sexual temptation, at a high premium in marriage.
LS
corollary: Crazy good sex only once a week, is NOT crazy good sex.
LS
(it could be for some people. For most men I know, that simply isn’t enough. They will still be starving and the marriage isn’t meeting one of it MAJOR goals.)
Thanks so much for your great insight, especially the last paragraph.!
Yes, I think Less Adventurous and Sex Hungry, while blessed a great deal, need to forget about who is sinning and work on loving communication and living out God’s plan for them in marriage!
Yep all written above resonates so true to my soul and 6 yrs is too long, now. My children are the glue really, I couldn’t leave them, but my spouse?…she is good in so many ways, but 6yrs is way too long without sexual intimacy. Do I feel trapped? Yes. Do I want my children to suffer like I did when my parents divorced? No, thus I will be sexual martyr until my children are older or things change for the good.
I have come to the point where I have had enough. I love my wife and want my wife, but she doesn’t want me. I finally asked “If we never had sex again would you miss it?” and her answer was “No”. I am devastated.
We have both put on weight in the 20+ years of marriage, but my desire for her is just as strong as the first day. I tell her how beautiful she is and get dismissive looks. I tell her how sexy she is and get snide remarks or laughter.
She won’t kiss me (germs…eeewww). She won’t touch my private area (“that’s gross”). She will consent to sex on valentines or my birthday, but I have to do everything.
Everything else in our life is…comfortable if not good. I don’t know what to do other than lose the weight and give her the opportunity to be the couple we can be or flush it away.
I found your page after searching “do married couples really talk about sex?” It was my belief that after being married for 13 years with 2 children that sex is a secondary thing, a bonus, something you’d do if everything else was done (including the dishes) and if the relationship was close and caring. My husband has been telling me for years that he wants sex more often and wants me to want it more. I’ve never thought I was a “refuser”, it’s just never at the forefront of my mind, and my husband has given up trying. Now he doesn’t try and I never think of it so it doesn’t happen very often… Maybe 2 or 3 times a month. This year we started counselling – and even then the counsellor would explain the theories of good relationships… but never got down to the issue of sex. I remember a pyramid she showed us, and I was really shocked to see that sex is an actual human need, not something fun and naughty you might do as an unnecessary extra, like putting sugar in your tea. It’s obvious I have a pretty low drive… I’m so glad I stumbled upon your page. I feel absolutely aweful. I have to change my attitude/belief of sex… I don’t quite know how, but I just wanted to say thanks for starting a change in me – and dare I say if it’s not too late: saving my marriage.
Once upon a time, I did a lot of refusing myself. My ex and I played this “game” where sex became currency.
His behavior made me feel like I was just an object and, in turn, I refused him because I didn’t trust him (in most areas of our lives). I would agree only when I could get something from him in return. He hadn’t finished yet another project? I’d have sex with him if he would agree to finish it.
To say it was a destructive and flawed system is an understatement!! I don’t think it is a coincidence that it was wrong use of sex that brought us into marriage and it was one of the very things that then tore it down. The wages of sin are “death” in so many senses of the word.
However, not long after our divorce, I did see the error of my ways. God began to give me understanding about marriage in many areas. I saw my many sins in marriage (not just about sex) and I repented. I’ve since repented to my exes about all of my failings in our marriages. I recognized my sin of manipulation and how cruel it was to deny him that way.
Now, more than ever, I understand how cruel it really is. It is cruel because I am bound, in marriage, to one and only – for our greater good – and yet, when denied, I have zero outlet for sexual intimacy. Basically, I’m trapped!
My current husband (i don’t mean to imply that he is ONLY my husband for the time being, but just to distinguish from him being an ex) is the one refusing sex.
And it is wrecking me!
In our less than three years of marriage, it has been like this since the beginning.
I can think of only one or two occasions in which he pursued me for sex. All other times, it has been me pursuing. By now, it has just become a bad cycle of nagging – begging – anger and frustration at being rejected – then indifference (for awhile) and then the cycle begins again.
I know some of the “whys” – physically he has some troubles (being over 50, overweight and the fact that he smoked for years) but he also stubbornly refuses to address those issues by addressing his health or taking any herbal or rx meds to give him a “boost.”
However, at the root, I know that the physical issues are bound up in the spiritual and emotional issues of his past – guilt and shame over his past sexual sins.
It was shocking to hear – but almost a relief because I had sensed all along that it was the case – that he said he didn’t have trouble having sex with his ex because he didn’t respect her, but, with me, emotionally, he says he wants to but physically it just doesn’t happen.
You’d think that all of that would soften my heart and allow me to have an endless supply of grace toward him about this touchy subject.
It did….in the beginning….when we first began addressing and talking about these issues. Let me correct that: when I first began insisting that we deal with these issues. But, instead of demonstrating his love by actually attempting to rectify and confront these issues, he just pulls away more and more.
I want to be clear in stating that I have been SOOOO gentle and patient and encouraging with him EVERY time we’ve made love. He will be fretting (i can see it on his face) but I just encourage him to enjoy the moment and not worry about performance….all the while, dealing with a mediocre physical experience on my end.
I’ve held back tears so many times…..pushed back memories of previous, satisfying love making with my ex (not the one i mentioned at first….sadly, I’ve got more than one). For the record, I don’t WANT my mind and heart to go there but it is harder and harder to take those thoughts captive when I have NOTHING in the here and now to blot those out.
We are now at the more than two month mark of no sex. The last time was mid-September. Before that, it had probably been at least a month.
I can think of two weeks in our marriage wherein we had sex twice in that week. Otherwise, it has usually been at least two or three weeks between each time. But, often, it has been a month, six weeks or two months. I think this is the first time we’ve passed the two month mark though. All of that “frequency” has been at my insistence. If I had left it up to him all along, there is no telling how long it would have been.
I’d REALLY love it if my husband would start ANYTHING with me beyond mild affection, which he is GREAT at, by the way – we kiss, he holds my hand, touches me sweetly, etc. – all of which I am soooo thankful for and I tell him as much. But, it isn’t ENOUGH to sustain the physical needs in our marriage. We need actual physical intimacy involving nakedness and touching and more, ya know?
I feel like I’m starving here…. like I’m drowning, suffocating…. with no relief in sight. All my begging and pleading does no good… he just says, “well, i knew i would fail you anyway….” Great. Play the victim card.
So, I stop for awhile. Stop asking, stop pleading…. hoping that if I lay low, he will pick it up. Nope. Doesn’t happen.
I’ve tried to get real practical about it with him saying, “let’s just agree to do this, even if out of a sense of duty. For the good of our marriage, let’s commit, no matter what, to at least ATTEMPT sex at least once a week. Consistently.” Didn’t budge him. He acknowledges with his head the importance of it but utterly refuses to commit to anything and utterly refuses to implement any changes.
I’m not asking to be like rabbits here, mind you. In a good but also practical world, I think three times a week would be satisfying without consuming our lives. But even once a week would seem like I’m feasting!!! Heck, once every two weeks, consistently, without me having to “prod” would be a vast improvement – not ideal, but better than nothing!
I’ve spoken to one of the elders at church about it and he agreed that it wasn’t good but that’s as far as that went…. no men are showing up at the door to confront him about this sin.
I’ve shared this with two close female friends because, frankly, it is just too heavy a burden to bear on my own. And, I’ve reached out to one other man at church in hopes of getting him to reach out to my husband. However, I think he misunderstood the gravity of the situation because he suggested that my husband might just not have a strong “physical touch” love language.
So, here we are…. sexless in our marriage, with the tension growing. I have to forgive him again ALL the time because I grow bitter about it – about his lack of attention to me or sex, lack of concern about the state of our marriage and his unwillingness (apparently) to do anything about it!
And I say to my husband, don’t you see what this DOES to our marriage, our communication, etc….? This is soooo destructive and pulls us apart. Once again, ever the “wounded, rejected” one, he just acknowledges it, sulks and tells me that I’d be better off just divorcing him now.
Sorry. This was a lot more “venty” than I intended it to be but I feel trapped. I’ve cried out to the LORD so many times that my heart aches but the waiting for any change is heartwrenching.
Once again we’ve had a stupid argument today, over nothing, and I know that our lack of intimacy is a major factor in the tension and struggles in our day to day communication.
I’m writing this while somehow praying for revelation and answers. Would that someone would actually have something revolutionary to offer beyond everything I’ve already tried.
P.s. I’ve gone the entire spectrum of emotions and responses with him. I’ve asked him what I can do, wear, say; asked how I can encourage him in this. The answer is always, “nothing.”
I’ve also been angry and hurt and have lashed out – told him that other men would probably be willing to give up a small organ to have a wife so willing and here he’s got that and he’s squandering it like a fool!
As a husband of 18 years, I’ve been struggling with this with my wife for the past 6 years. She is an “obligatory sex” partner with no desire to give or receive pleasure, she just doesn’t require or desire it anymore. As a test, I quit initiating, to see how far we would go without and we entered 4 months, before I “caved in”. That completely destroyed my self esteem, to know that I’m not desired. I’m a rarity in a man in that I need to feel emotionally close to want sex, which is usually how a woman is “wired”. Because we are disconnected, I have lost all desire, my body wouldn’t cooperate even if I wanted to. Women can do it not in the mood, but men require a physical transformation (erection) to take place to be successful. I don’t believe in divorce, but I also don’t think God sees any merit in just “going through the motions” with sex. Neither of us are refusing, she has no interest and I quit asking. I miss what we could have and not what we had. I agree that it is the quality more than the quantity. 10 times a year of great, fulfilling, close, emotion filled sex is far better than double that of “mechanical” sex. I pray daily and ask forgiveness, but when emotionless sex only keeps breaking your heart, you choose to stop because the pain becomes too much.
To those commenting on here that their wives are “withholding sex”: have you checked yourself to see if maybe her refusal is due to emotional, verbal and mental abuse? My husband has been abusing me for the entire 12 years that we have been married, and, using the Bible of course, he demands that I have sex when he wants it, regardless of the fact that 30 minutes ago he was calling me a whore, cow, telling me he hates me and wishes I were dead. And all the while reminding me of what God says are my “marital obligations”. I work a full-time and have 3 kids. I pay most of the bills and take care of just about every aspect of the household and family obligations. If a pipe bursts, I take care of it. If the kids are sick, I bring them to the doctor…and on and on. I am physically and mentally exhausted!! And yet–he still has his sexual gratification with me 1-2 times a week. I do it because I want to please God, but it feels like a prison. Love your wife, treat her well, sacrifice for her in even the little things…and above all, watch what comes out of your mouth!! The tongue is sharper than a double-edged sword, and you can destroy your wife with your heartless, unthinking, selfish and cruel comments. And in the end, you are hurting yourself as well.
I find it very strange that the entire article and the comments I have read make no mention of the husband being the one withholding . I have searched for ways to talk to my husband about my needs but he can get angry and distant when I bring up sex. Before we got pregnant he was always ready but now when I really need him he shuns me (some porn use). He says he still has a drive but he can’t do it while I am pregnant. I have tried to explain that my hormones are making me want him more than usual (that’s saying something), why the pregnant body craves sex (the physical benefits that god provided to make pregnancy and labor easier for a woman through sex with her husband), and what the bible has to say about a HUSBAND’S sexual responsibility to his wife. I beleive he sees me differently than he did before
, not physically (he still gets aroused when I am naked) but mentaly, he sees me as the mother of his child and too sacred to defile with sex. I love the fact that he respects my body for it’s ability to reproduce but his has the same wondrous ability and the initial fertilization is only a part of his bodies sacred function. I am being very gentle in talking to him about this. I don’t want to accuse him of knowingly sinning against God by denying himself to me but my hurt is building and I catch myself sinning by
way of thought.
Ok, I’m the wife I have a sex drive that’s very high my husband can go months without, he says it’s his lack of working that is causing him to feel inadequate, and it effects his sex drive, I understand and I feel for him but I try to put his mind at ease and be supportive, I pay all the bills buy all the food the only thing I ask is take care of the yard and pick up behind yourself until u find work, if I ask for sex he seems frustrated if I put on sexy clothes he doesn’t notice, went to the Dr. No low testosterone don’t know if it’s porn or another woman he says it’s neither my question is how do i stay with a man who fills none of my needs, would I be wrong if I sought out sex from another……I’m dying over here…..I really need to feel a man’s touch at least twice a week…….
I’m 32 weeks pregnant and my husband refuses to have sex. I’m been begging for it since I was 20 weeks, before that I was the one who initiated. He told me he still finds me beautiful and attractive, but he’s not attracted to my pregnant body specially now that my belly got bigger. I showed him lots of articles that assured sex is safe during pregnancy unless your doctor tells you otherwise. Also, I talked several times to him about how his rejections make me feel unloved, unattractive, ugly, and inadequate. I’ve researched articles about safe sex position during this stage but nothing I propose can’t convince him to be intimate with me. I’m really hurt. I’ve cried myself to sleep while he’s sleeping, and sometimes I caught myself crying in the middle of the day because of this. I have rage and resentment towards him. He tells me we can resume our sex life once the baby is born, really? 6 more weeks? I’ve been asking for that sexual connection for 3 months already, I still have 8 more weeks to go. That’s a total of 6 1/2 months living in involuntary celibacy. How am I supposed to rekindle our sexual life after all this rejection? I been going through a lot of physical changes plus dealing with hormones. I feel lonely because I can’t talk about this with anyone but him, and when I do he gets frustrated and tells me I’m overreacting and that things should be fine once the baby is born like I can flip a switch in my head and be ready after all I been through. He’s choosing porn over being with the woman he claims he finds beautiful and attractive. I can’t believe him since he’s using self pleasure looking at women that are the opposite of me. To be honest I’m not looking forward to be intimate with him once the baby is born, he’s been crushing my self esteem with his selfish attitude, telling me excuses that is normal for most men to feel that way. I told him that since pregnancy is a temporary stage he should make an effort and meet me half way so both of us can be happy. It’s no about the physical pleasure, I need to be connected to my husband and he’s been pushing me away with his selfishness.
My husband is a refuser. He has low testosterone, which doesn’t make the situation any easier, but he would rather use it as an easy out than attempt to get in the mood and have sex. His priorities are so out of line it feels likes slap in the face and I feel so trapped in our marriage. It’s difficult because this isn’t something you talk about with friends. It’s too uncomfortable to share with our pastor. I can’t just bring myself to say, “my husband won’t have sex with me” at small group. What’s gone from being once in a while one week stretches has now become constant 2 weeks in between. I told him it’s been on my heart for a while last night and he told me he was tired and had to go to bed so we’d talk today. I cried myself to sleep again last night wishing I could be free from my marriage, even if it meant dying because I can’t live like this.
Lack of sex in marriage leads to the temptation of Alternative Sex. http://restoringsexualpurity.org/alternative-sex-is-it-really-an-alternative/
What is a wife to do when the husband has emotionally abandoned her and discounted her thoughts and feelings despite 10+ years of direct communication/pleading to this effect. What if there are poor boundaries on the husbands part and trust is shot. When the wife no longer respects or trusts her husband, sexual intimacy will suffer. Is the wife to continue to submit herself to her husband when he refuses to meet her emotional needs for such an extended period of time and refuses to do anything about it?
Lord! So many good comments on here. I am sitting at work, wanting to cry, because I can identify with so many of the people commenting. For the last six years or more, my wife and I have had sex about 1 to 1.5 times a month. We have many issues, and lack of sex is one of the biggest. My situation is somewhat different, yet the results are the same: Little to no sex. Depression, anxiety, and mild bipolar disorder has stolen from me the bride I once had. She once told me in our marriage counseling session that she just had no desire anymore. Life is just too stressful and everything wears her down. I am so hurt, lonely, angry at her, angry at God. I know my wife has some physical and mental issues that keep her from enjoying sex like she should, but I can’t help think that excuse only goes so far. I feel that a lot of it is just her not being convinced that she is obligated to meet our needs. Case in point, my wife and I had a long conversation before we married, where we discussed going to church, how we want to raise kids, finances, and even what we expect sexually in our marriage (We waited to have sex). She was on board with everything we discussed. After we got married, not once, not once in all the years of marriage, has she fulfilled her end of the agreement sexually. I asked her in session why she agreed, she said she doesn’t know. This from the wife that I prayed to God for. I even put a fleece before the Lord, I believe is how you phrase it, before we got married, so that I would be sure I was following what God wanted for me when I married her. I stayed because I kept thinking God would make everything ok. I am not the best Christian, but I try, and I am sincere when I ask forgiveness. So, God, how good do I have to be to get help? I believe in God’s power. I know he is the God of miracles, so why can’t I get a little help? Why is this marriage so difficult? What did I do to deserve this? Like KH above mentioned, my wife has tried to use sex as currency, to get something she wants. I called her out on it and turned her down. After two and half months of no sex, she tried again, and I caved. This whole thing has shaken my faith in God. I am not Job, and I will not be able to hold out much longer. If it was not for the kids, I would leave, and then seek God’s forgiveness later. The saddest part is it is changing me. I haven’t been blameless. Now I am easily made angry. I am resentful. I have pulled away from my wife after years of trying. I feel emotionally divorced from her. If she was to offer to leave I would not fight it. I wonder if we have damaged each other so bad now that we will never be able to have a normal marriage. She says she is trying, but it is never in the areas where I need her to change. When I push the issue, she cries and then begs me to not give up on her, that she loves me. We have been going to counseling off and on for three years now. How long do I have to wait, God? I feel so empty.
Wow. Sorry folks. That was way longer than I intended. Sorry. Just couldn’t stop it once it started pouring out.
What people fail to understand is that sex for men usually (99.1% of the time) means orgasmic release. For many women, the majority of time, there is no orgasmic release from sex. Men would not accept copulation without release but the idea that this is something women should be willing to do for the health of a marriage is sad. It’s interesting that the majority of the men responding don’t even acknowledge this, even more interesting that women overlook it. Why would a woman be expected to share her body, give her male counterpart sexual orgasmic release, without receiving the same consideration? This is not just my observation, over 80% of women do NOT receive orgasms from vaginal sex. The reason she might not want to have sex may be because she does not receive the same pleasurable reward. Men do not want to go a long time without sex/orgasms, yet overlook the fact that their women do. Sad. Men would not offer up their bodies to other males who seek sexual fulfillment, homosexual issues aside, the idea of being used for someone else’s gratification is probably repugnant – don’t you think women feel the same way?
visitor… to answer your question… love, perhaps? Isn’t that what life, including marriage, is supposed to be about?
Not denying the aspect you mention.. but the closeness and one-flesh (sacramental) dimension is rewarding and important as well.
I’m not married.. but I can’t imagine having sex just for the physical release.. one can have *that* without another human being (sorry to be blunt).
It’s much more than using the other person to get an o…
perhaps I’m an unusual woman then, since I’d happily give myself to my hubby to enjoy – just like I hope he’ll give me himself out of love.
Just because some women don’t enjoy that, doesn’t speak for all.
Withholding sex is the flip side of the same coin – adultery. Both are sexual infidelity. In 1st Corinthians chapter 7 God’s word is clear – do not withhold sex. I am not saying that one does not have the right to say no because they are tired or ill. However, there must be intentional love present which demonstrates meeting the need. As Christians, disciples of Christ, our service begins at home meeting the needs of our spouse and then our family. Withholding sex is an act of FRAUD and is a sin that damages the marriage; an act of pride, power and control that demonstrates the marriage is not Christ centered.
Five years ago I lost my wife of 44-1/2 years to cancer. I met a fantastic woman who had lost her husband to cancer about 1-1/2 years before that. We had one of those love at first sight courtships (a plug for eHarmony.com here if I may) and married shortly thereafter. I was overjoyed when she willingly offered oral sex to me – I never climaxed but it was always a pre-cursor to full sex. She confided to me that she had never experienced vaginal orgasm before, but from the first she was multi-orgasmic (this is phenomenal from my standpoint. She only allowed me to give her oral sex once but has never since allowed me to do it, and has even stopped giving me oral sex. I so want for us to both give and receive. I have stopped trying to push it, only subtle hints maybe every month. What has stopped me is that she has decided it is a sin for her. This I can’t understand at all. It is part of what God has given us to enjoy and I really love the variety it puts into our physical joining. I don’t always ejaculate but always receive an orgasmic pleasure – several times usually. Can anyone address this “sin” issue?
“Anonymous One, November 3, 2013”:
You wrote, “No sex is better than lousy sex.”
Any sex with your wife is better than no sex. There are physiological benefits despite perhaps being deficient in emotional benefits.
More frequent release of semen is beneficial to your restocked, seminal vesicles and prostate. Frequent exercise of the prostate improves its health and delays formation of tumors in the prostate, which is a gland that has muscle fibers in it that squeeze the seminal fluid out.
Semen is absorbed by the vagina and certain components are distributed throughout her body. Sperm cell nuclei go to her brain. Androgens (male hormones) likewise benefit her emotional system. Considerable research indicates that a woman is influenced to be favorably inclinetttoward the source of the “feel-good” hormones from the semen and generated by her glands.
“Anonymous One, November 3, 2013”:
You wrote, “No sex is better than lousy sex.”
Any sex with your wife is better than no sex. There are physiological benefits despite perhaps being deficient in emotional benefits.
More frequent release of semen is beneficial to your restocked, seminal vesicles and prostate. Frequent exercise of the prostate improves its health and delays formation of tumors in the prostate, which is a gland that has muscle fibers in it that squeeze the seminal fluid out.
Semen is absorbed by the vagina (presuming no barriers – condoms, female condoms, diaphragms are used) and certain components are distributed throughout her body. Sperm cell nuclei go to her brain. Androgens (male hormones) likewise benefit her emotional system. Considerable research indicates that a woman is influenced to be favorably inclined toward the source of the “feel-good” hormones from the semen and generated by her glands.
From my experience and observation I have come to the belief that sexual activities outside of penis-in-vagina intercourse is “playing with fire.” So much distress that people have is over diverse – perverse – methods of sexual stimulus other than p-i-v. We seem to have a natural sense of wrongdoing when using our genitals for other than what they are designed. Children nearing adolescence hide when masturbating. As for myself, I never “abused” my genitals until I was 12, when an older cousin introduced me to the practice. Along with that he warned me never to let my parents find out that I was doing that. Junior high school exposed me to various perversions that I had never encountered or even known to exist. When I first saw pornographic magazines, the pictures were not of people having normal p-i-v sexual intercourse, which I had seen in person without being disturbed, but of perverted activities. Rather than “spicing up” my sex life, these experiences have increased my aversion to them.
Normal, that is, p-i-v, sex increases my desire for more while “variety” activities cause me to avoid initiating lovemaking.
(standing up clapping)@Roberta: I know exactly which studies you are talking about. It is very difficult to get women to read these and believe them.
The only thing I wish you would reconsider consider is using words like “abuse” and “perverse”. Just because we do not approve of something does not make it either perverse or abusive (except to us), and causes undue pain to others when we throw those terms around as if we speak for God or even society in general, when in reality we are only speaking within the confines of our own small minds.
The Scriptures speak for God, and definitely mention some acts as such, but those are within a specific context. And unmarried sex is one of those that qualify as fornication, or perverse sexual practices in the eyes of God, but not one that warrants death.
As far as “natural aversion,” that is pretty much a trained attitude and not really “natural.” You mention seeing PIV intercourse “in person” before magazines and that implies to me family members, either spying or barging in on. That experience, especially involving loved ones in authority, could definitely tag PIV as “required” for loving sexual relations, which would strongly contrast with hard-porn magazines, where PIV just doesn’t *show enough* detail.
I could speculate that the “increased aversion” rises from multiple, failed hookups or short-term relationships, or from strong emotional/spiritual coercion (i.e., classical abuse) in a long-term relationship. I’m ranting now; I’m sorry.
If you have an aversion for something, then by all means, say “no”. If someone exerts pressure on you for it (I don’t mean occasionally asking without expectation of it), then that person obviously does not care for you. As a matter of fact, that person then becomes guilty of sexual greediness, which is Idolatry–and that is definitely a sin. But even then, you cannot judge that person as “perverted.” Judging is NOT up to us. Coercing your partner into lip kissing is sexual greediness just as much as coercing into anal sex. But would you still say they are asking for perverted acts?
Jehovah judges intentions as well as actions. We cannot truly discern intentions, so we should avoid judging all together.
But I will say this. Whatever might happen in between, NOTHING beats finishing with PIV, especially with eyes locked on each others. At least for me.
Great topic. Thank you so much.
I’m a 56 year old male married to my absolutely beautiful 56 year old wife. This is the second marriage for both of us and we’ve been married almost 18 years.
Our sex life was incredible before the birth of our daughter 16 years ago. It went downhill afterwards and has been non-existent for several years. We’ve had intercourse once in 2 years. Oral sex on her part is an act of begging on mine and she no longer allows me near her. Her excuse is that she’s post menopausal but things weren’t much better before.
Unbeknownst to her I secretly struggled with porn for years but by God’s grace I’ve recognized how sinful and wicked this transgression is as an act of rebellion against God, myself, my wife, and my family.
I used her lack of desire as my justification for a release. I didn’t want to lust at women but the more involved I became, the more it intensified my drive.
Now I’m in a dead relationship with a woman who prefers to live as brother and sister than man and wife. If I get a hug or a kiss on the cheek one or twice a week she thinks she’s expressed affection.
She doesn’t cook, doesn’t go out to dinner with me, and she watches Fox News 6 hours a day.
I got myself back into tip-top shape thinking maybe that was the issue. Instead she says I have steroid rage (when I bring up our lack of sex). She has accused me of having innumerable affairs over the years (she’s thinking of her father). She’s also a germ-a-phobe. I need to shower multiple times a day just to sleep in the same bed.
We’ve been to so many counsellors and spent thousands of dollars over the years to no avail. Every one says she has deeper unresolved issues that she won’t address. At this point I’ve given up and asked her for separation terms. She is a great (stay at home) mom but a horrible wife. She tells me our vows were for better or for worse and I need to deal with it. To hear your covenant wife tell you “get a concubine” – it makes me sick. I’m at the point where I prefer being at work than at home.
I suffered my husband’s porn use and flirting to other women for 10 years. Then six months ago I found out that he had developed a “friendship” with another woman…alone in the back room of his store. So I went to the Lord because it was already difficult enough to keep having sex with him each time I caught him flirting or using porn all these years. The Lord said “there is a time for everything under the sun…a time to embrace, and a time to withhold embracing”…
So it has been 5 weeks. I am waiting for my husband to stop telling lies and stop fantasizing about other women…and to CONFESS to his unfaithful heart through our entire marriage. There is NO WAY I am ever going back to the way sex was. It will have to be something entirely new for both of us…without his lusting for other’s first, and without all the sneaking around and lies. If we end in divorce…I am prepared for that.
So why did you not address HIS sin that CAUSES a woman to get fed up years later and withhold? I am not morally obligated to continue “servicing” a man who is never satisfied with what he has to begin with. Sex is designed to PREVENT lusting and going outside the marriage. But once that boundary has been breached over and over for years…something has got to change.
We’ve been married 16 years and we are 38. She has no desire for sex, she does not want to orgasm, she does not want pleasure from sex anymore. We are both healthy and good looking at 38. My sexual appetite has never diminished. She’s happy with fulfilling her duty once a month. I’m not satisfied at all with being undesired by the woman that I chose to spend my life with. It’s a chore to her. I can’t imagine how a human could will themselves to not desire sexual satisfaction
Really? It would be nice to address the facets and forms that this “sexual denial” takes within the marriage. In my case, my wife doesnt necessarily blatantly refues sex, but she does NOTHING to help foster it. Never will she initiate, never will she accomodate time to allow it to happen. We watch TV until we are both tired and ready for bed, then she demands we watch more TV in bed until we are falling asleep. Then on the rare occasions we are intimate, its like she is placating me, putting up with my libido until next month, or two or three, whenever she feels like it.
Sorry, but because of this, and her supposed “christian walk” i have totally lost faith in God. I am ever more convinced daily, that there is no god. and its lack of existence is evident in my wifes pseudo fake hypocritical life.
Amen
My wife and i have been having problems for a while now. As some comments stated, she is fine with not having a sexual relationship. She says i bother her with my pushiness, but idk how, when I’m lucky to orgasm 3 times a month. And the sad part is, we’ve been married for almost 15 yrs. and 3 kids. If kids weren’t present, I doubt I would put up with it. I too am having low self esteem and constantly wonder what’s wrong with me, currently we haven’t spoken but a few sentences in over 3 weeks. I think and feel like I’m done.