5 Things Husbands Do that Turn Their Wives OFF Sexually

morning routineI’m often accused of rallying around sexually-deprived husbands (figuratively, mind you) way more than I come to the defense of the wives who are doing the refusing.

Guilty as charged. I admit it.

The emails of exasperated husbands flood into my in-box, and I find myself wanting to have long heart-to-heart conversations with their wives about the cost of neglected sexual intimacy.

(It’s not like I can’t relate. I was once a wife long ago who was doing the neglecting, so we would definitely have that kindred soul thing going on).

Yes, I do tend to write in the direction of wanting wives to stop going on lock down when it comes to sex.

Even so, I get that there are things husbands do (or don’t do) that make it emotionally and physically difficult for their wives to connect with them sexually.

Husbands, here are 5 things that really turn wives off sexually…

1.  Lack of personal hygiene.

I’m not saying she never looks out at you all sweaty and mowing the lawn in your faded college shirt and doesn’t think to herself, “Man, I want some of that!”

BUT, in general, if you want her to get naked with you, you better be taking care of the basics…

  • Shower often and wash your hair
  • Brush your teeth often
  • Keep your fingernails and toenails clean and trimmed
  • Trim hairs growing out of your nose and ears
  • Wear clean and appropriately fitting clothing
  • Come to bed smelling at least clean and maybe even with a little cologne on

Here’s the kicker:  Don’t just pay attention to personal hygiene when you want sex.  That compounds it all as a big turn off. “He’s willing to clean himself up when he wants in me, but I’m really not worth it the rest of the time he’s around me.”   That’s what she’s thinking.

2.  Looking at porn.

Wives hate it when their husbands look at porn.

Any wife who says she “doesn’t mind” or that she “likes it” is lying or deceived.

If and when you as a husband gaze upon the pornographic images of women and/or anyone in a sexually charged situation, it devalues your wife.

She feels alone.

She feels like she doesn’t measure up.

She views what you’ve done as adulterous, even if she won’t come right out and say it.

Pornography in any form (on your phone, tablet, computer, television, DVDs, magazines) diminishes and ultimately destroys any hope of authentic and profound sexual intimacy with your wife.  Same goes with visiting strip clubs or “adult entertainment” venues with scantily-clad waitresses or dancers.

You can’t have it both ways.

You can’t have phenomenal sex with the woman you are in a covenant relationship with AND simultaneously feed your porn habit.   You. Can’t. Do. It.   Any sex you have with your wife is going to be medicore at best and non-existent at worst. The negative effects of porn are so damaging.

3. Wanting someone to join the two of you in bed.

I know some of you may think it is outlandish that I would even suggest there are husbands requesting this sort of thing, but it does happen.  I personally know wives whose husbands have thought it “completely reasonable” that they invite another woman (or, in some cases, another man) into their bed.

Sometimes, the husband wants a threesome.  Sometimes he just wants to watch his wife sexually with another person.

Some husbands will go to great lengths to make such a request more palatable, but mark my words, your wife doesn’t want to do it.  Same goes for spouse swapping or anything else along those lines.

And if she does agree to do it, that doesn’t make it right and it doesn’t mean she likes the idea.  More than likely what it means is she sees no other alternatives to salvaging her marriage with you.

As a husband, you should be the protector of your marriage bed and a guardian of your wife’s heart.  Don’t put her in any position where she has to compromise her values (or yours) by partnering with you in committing the sin of adultery.

4. Neglecting her emotionally.

I know this is an often over-generalized point:  Wives need emotional connection to feel loved and guys need physical connection to feel loved.

Maybe a better way to state it is that a marriage void of emotional intimacy and physical intimacy will be prone to big chasms of distance, contempt and obligatory sex.

She’ll do it.  But she’ll be doing it out of duty, rather than out of feeling profoundly connected to you.

This isn’t about bartering for sex or setting up patterns in your marriage where the mindset is “I’ll do this for you, if you do this for me.”

Rather, it’s about recognizing that there are no short cuts to authentic relationship.  Fabulously delightful sex is the result of two people who have built a fabulously intimate friendship.

5. Downplaying the importance of her sexual pleasure.

Yes, more than likely, it will take her longer to climax than you.

That’s not always the case, but studies and good ol’ practical experience reveal that the clitoris is a bit more finicky than the penis.  Add to this that women often have a harder time switching gears and getting in the mood for sex, and it’s no surprise that her having an orgasm is rarely going to be quick.

Go figure.

Even so, when sex is just about your own personal pleasure and you are only “in it to win it” for yourself, she will continue to see sex as a chore to just check off her list.  “Get in, get done and let’s move on” will be the lens through which she looks.

She may even fake orgasm to either protect your ego or to just bring a quick resolution to the whole ordeal.

I once went to a wedding where the pastor looked directly at the groom during the ceremony and said, “I’m going to tell you something young man.  You better satisfy her sexually or someone else will.”

Now, we can debate how appropriate the timing of his comment was, but there is much wisdom resonating in his words.  He wasn’t saying she has a right to go elsewhere for her sexual satisfaction. He was saying that her orgasm matters and it’s her husband’s responsibility and privilege to bring her that intense pleasure.

Become a student of your wife’s body and never stop learning what it will take to please her sexually.  Encourage her to tell you and show you what it will take for her to climax.

If you are a husband and you read through this list of 5 things, do you see where you could become more conscientious?

And a word of encouragement to all you wives… if indeed you have a husband who is paying close attention to these 5 things and striving to honor you with his heart, time and body, are you reciprocal?  Don’t leave him wondering if you truly love him. He needs your love not just in word and theory, but in sexual action and attitude, too.

Turning each other on sexually is worth it!  And it’s so much more fun than turning each other off.

Copyright 2013, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage blog. 

133 thoughts on “5 Things Husbands Do that Turn Their Wives OFF Sexually

  1. Brandon says:

    I’m in the same boat randy, love my wife but I get shut down everytime unless I do absolutely everything to the letter and she must be in the mood and not tired amd the correct weather and it must be night and we must first have showers THEN and even then she won’t show overly a lot of interest, I have to try really hard touching her the right way, must make the right moves touching and kissing her the right way or its a no… I dont get it, when we were first togethor it was crazy she wanted me up to 3 times a day sometimes but now only if I do everything right she might let me have sex with her but at the end of it I feel disappointed, she enjoys it but doesn’t make a move just lays there, if I suggest we try a different position she complains, at the end I feel like an idiot, I work soo bloody hard for the acceptance of finally being able to make love with her and all that hard work just to have to do everything just for her to feel satisfied, I honestly don’t even enjoy it anymore I have hit my end of the stick for trying, I feel drained and feel like I am wasting my life time here it’s almost like the wife has everything she desires whenever she wants but even though we are their slaves we still won’t get what we desire until they feel like it. I’m not trying with my wife anymore, talks haven’t worked, if she doesn’t wake up and realise how lucky she’s had it then I’m going to have to go, this is killing me mentally and emotionally, I’m honestly too scared to even make a move anymore because it’s most likely going to be a No or basically be another part of the day of doing something for her…

    I have read a lot of books, maybe my wife isn’t a normal women? The books haven’t shown any positive results…

    I love her but I can’t handle the no sleeping, the depression, the mental side of it all… I dont want to go anywhere with her anymore she can go shopping on her own, she can clean the house for once, she can pay for her own things, I’m over it. When I start doing this, she will probably then run off with some other man and have him fall into the same trap and when he’s worn out she will continue on. Decision is up to her but if this keeps up I am worried I’m going to bungee jump from a tree…

  2. ann says:

    You sound like a wonderful man and doing the right things to make her happy. Maybe she doesn’t feel good about herself or its hormone related. Or, maybe she feels sad or insecure about something. Romance her as has often as possible without sex and talk. You both need to feel loved. I suggest look for what you desire sexually in each other only like you have been doing. Hoping she will do the same.. I’m not a therapist so these are just suggestions.

  3. Buck says:

    Yep I get it. I am by no means perfect. Nor do I do any of these things perfectly. If I have been at all negligent in any one area it’s rammed home as to why she can’t. She has had some physical problems which I have tried to be attentive to. However a few years back it didn’t stop her from an affair 28th some random sleaze homeless guy. At the time she was drinking a lot and was in a depression. I have her a chance and for 3 years it’s just been maybe one a month or 2 with me giving a half hour massage and her getting 90% of the benefit. I’ve reached a level of depression that’s ruining my work and other parts of my life. She won’t have any meaningful discussion on it. Now she spent us to the point of being pretty broke. Its pretty obvious she has no feelings for me and I am just a convienience. She does some nice things like making my lunch daily and such. But if a woman doesn’t want you in any physical way it’s pretty much a sign she just doesn’t want you. Why do they profess such great love when they don’t mean a word of it. All the while professing their Christian values and love of Christ? I guess if your wife doesn’t want you physically it’s over. I was stupid enough to think it was something that could be worked through. If she doesn’t want you that way just run because as in my wife’s case she may like sex, just not with me. We are in our mid to late 50’s and my life has been pretty much ruined.

  4. Jill says:

    I tried talking to my husband about me not wanting sex. When I tell him the things to do he’s says oh those were courting days. He’ll tell me he wants sex and if he doesn’t get it he tries to guilt me saying I don’t love him and it’s like I don’t care anymore he tells people which pisses me off and definitely don’t lead to sex. I want to have sex but I have some emotional issues with him that I want to resolve. The issues get talked about but never solved. If he did the things he use to do when we met we wouldn’t have these problems. It’s like he forgot or was it all just courting BS.

  5. susan says:

    BRANDAN I have been married 17 years and I am so glad I read this blog im new on computers and 40 wow you are so funny I laughed my butt off . I am a woman and for gosh sakes so frustrated at times cuz I feel like everything has to be perfect for me too to orgasim it sucks and takes me so long and yes it bugs me that everything has to be perfect for me too. I feel bad cuz my husband tries so hard and it seems when I masterbate out of anger and frustration I cant that time with my husband it aint easy being a women life is hard enough and when you cant it feels like I failed him and GOD cuz he made it for holy pleasure I pray to orgasim now during it my thoughts are all over my husband says relax but I feel like a failure in almost everything and im old 40 your blog made me laugh so hard thankyou god bless I wish I could tell my husband to cuddle me it I feel pushed away but hey I don’t sleep with him I hate that fan but yesterday he turned the fan from me and I slept in his arms maybe God wants me to sleep with my husband. don’t be too hard on wife pray for her watch movie fireproof

  6. Raven says:

    This is helpful hopefully my husband will read it. He even tells me that my job is to have sex with him and make him happy and it makes me hate doing it all together. And it doesnt help that every time i talk to him he tells me that im being emotional. But when i dont tell him whats wrong he tell me that i need to talk to him. Hes confusing idk what i should and shouldn’t say. But i dont think it matters anyway because he doesnt listen. He asks me multiple times what did i say. And recently he even told me he doesnt care so i shouldnt say certain things.

  7. Olivia says:

    Russ, Rhodi, Dan, James, Bob, Randy, Brandon, Buck and any other man that may be reading this comment section and is desperately looking for a solution to your wife’s chronic denial:

    I admire all that you have been doing so far for your wives. And its such a shame that your wives don’t appreciate it by being more available to you in the sexual department. But since you came here for a possible solution, I will offer you some suggestions. This is from the perspective of a wife married to a wonderful man for 12 years. Like in your marriages, the first few years of my marriage were great; my husband and I had sex like rabbits! But then as things settled down, we started to have sex less frequently and I will admit with guilt that I was the one that started to deny him sexually because my sex drive frankly isn’t as high as his is. It still isn’t. Most women don’t have sex drives as high as men in general. I said ‘in general’, because I acknowledge that there a few wives that have higher sex drives. Heaven bless them!
    Now, just because your wife naturally has a lower sex drive than you do, does not mean that she is not capable of building her sexual desire more towards you, so that she would instinctively want to have sex with you more or even if she’s not in the mood, will selflessly have sex with you to at least give you some release. This is going to be a little long, so bear with me.

    Think back to when you guys were dating, even if you weren’t having pre-marital sex, it seemed like your wife was so attracted to you that she couldn’t wait to marry you and be able to rip your clothes off, right? Even in those few initial months or years of marriage, she was always ready and desired you immensely and your sex life was great. Your wife was running on her emotional high and her view of you as a great man and leader. And then as things slightly cooled down sexually, in your desperate attempt to get more sex, you started to not only try to connect with her as a female (which is a good thing), but also started to become more effeminate yourselves. I’m not insulting you, but it could be the case. This drove her sexual desire down and you responded by doing these things even more and more. It’s a vicious cycle. Stop trying to be at your wife’s beck and call, some women may claim they want this but they actually get irritated and lose respect for you overtime because of this. Help her and be there when she needs you but don’t follow her around like a puppy. Your wife’s view of you as a confident masculine man who doesn’t need or crave everyone’s approval, will naturally subconsciously get her sexual energy revved up and she will find herself wanting to be closer to you and sexually connect with you. Let me be honest with you, no heterosexual woman likes a man that acts like a woman. Be a man. Be confident, be direct and decisive (you don’t need to ask her permission to do every little thing. It used to annoy me when my husband did this. Listen to her advice intently, take her seriously, then lead her and make good decisions for your family). Be dominant and assertive (please do not push your wife into doing something she obviously doesn’t want to do, don’t turn her into an overly submissive mess with no personality and no goals of her own and obviously don’t emotionally or physically abuse her). Be exciting (take risks, seek adventure with your wife). Be a leader (lead her and yourself into achieving your individual goals. Show leadership with your children and with other people around you). Be strong (don’t be overly emotional, show that you can keep check of your emotions in the face of adversity, so that she feels protected. This is not to say that men shouldn’t have emotions but being more emotional is a feminine trait and it’s what makes her great at taking care of your children and empathising with people, so don’t shame her for being an emotional woman. It’s one of her greatest assets! Help her when she obviously needs your help around the house, but don’t rush to do all the chores in the home. She can probably do them better and faster than you anyway). Be masculine (exude a rugged, controlled mannerism, instead of a softer, gentler feminine energy). Be self-reliant and focused (don’t be too conforming and deal with your problems head-on). Be slightly mysterious and slightly unpredictable. Be ambitious (don’t get stagnant in your comfort zone. Show ambition towards your work and your marriage). Have a good and active sense of humour (This one is very important. Not a lot of women can resist a man that makes them laugh even if he fails in some other qualities). Be teasing (playfully ruffle her feathers. Talk about sexual activities outside the bedroom, with some tact of course. Don’t be too crude). And finally, be passionate (talk passionately about your goals both with her and with other people around you while she’s there, talk passionately to her about what you want your marriage with her to be like). Tell her and show her that you love her without compromising your masculinity.

    When my husband started implementing some of these attributes in his life and ours, I became so hot for him. It’s been this way for the past 5 years now. I felt myself becoming more feminine, wanting to take care of him sexually and just in general. I did this because he exuded so much masculine energy, but he did it in such a way that he did not stop treating me with respect or giving me affection when I needed it. I began taking more care of my body with exercise and a healthy diet to look beautiful and sexy for him. I felt provided, protected and safe with him. Don’t make your wife fear you or dread that you’re going to be unfaithful or anything like that, help her trust you. Trust is a strong aphrodisiac for women. This is important because while I wanted a man that acted like a man, I did not want to be with a jerk. He was the man and I was the woman. Even in times when I’m not in the mood (which doesn’t happen too often anymore), my feminine instinct to care for him and not wanting to watch him suffer with sexual frustration, propelled me into giving him at least some manual or oral sexual release. It took me a little while to get into oral sex, but he never pressured me into doing it or made me feel guilty or like a terrible wife for not performing it. In the bedroom, I feel like he’s in charge and I get turned on by pleasing him. This helps because he has the same, even higher, drive in pleasing me and giving me orgasms. My orgasms turn him on so much. With all this, remember to still talk to her, because this is the primary way that women feel emotionally connected to you. Don’t neglect this need of hers and don’t ration it or make her feel like she has to earn it from you. I was reading some Christian blog the other day, where the blog author basically advised men to withhold affection, finances, flowers, dates, compliments and time spent with their wives in order to manipulate their wives into having more or better sex with them. He tried to explain that it wasn’t manipulation, but it was so obvious that it was, even a fool could see it! Please do NOT do this. All that it’s going to accomplish is making your wife feel like she has to perform sexual favors in order to spend quality time, or get gifts or affection or any kind of help from you. The word ‘prostitute’ comes to mind. And so, just like a prostitute, your wife may respond by giving you obligatory sex, where there is no actual desire and no enthusiasm. So you only get physical release without intimacy or emotional connection. If this is what you want, then go ahead and ruin your marriage this way. And true to the fact, this Christian blogger has confessed that since he implemented his methods, his wife gives him more sex but only gives him disinterested and unenthusiastic sex on a very regular basis. So, basically ‘duty’ sex. No surprise there. A man that has to trade favors and manipulate his woman into giving him sex is essentially a failure of a man.

    With these suggestions, will things get back to how it was in those glorious first few months of your marriage? Perhaps not. But they will improve dramatically from what it is now. It may take a little time, but be patient. It didn’t work initially on me either. Either way, these are just my suggestions and what worked well for me and my husband. Take it with a pinch of salt if you like. If you have already tried these or been doing these things with no avail, then I guess the only thing would be to try counselling while still doing these things. There may be some other deeper issues going on. When I commented on how our sex life had improved later to my husband, he said that he felt like he owed it to me and the children to be the man that I needed him to be, and he’s obviously enjoying the added benefits. I see him being so manly in his everyday activities and interactions, and I literarily just want to jump his bones right there and then! It’s also helped him feel better about himself as a man too and improved his libido and drive to excel in everything he does. Hope it works for all of you! 🙂

  8. Tom says:

    Olivia makes some very good points.

    When the sex started waning after the birth of our first child, I did what most men do – they start jumping through hoops in an attempt to earn sex. I became clingy and needy, trying to be the “sensitive man”, anticipating her every need, started doing more than my share of the chores – standard operating procedure for the clueless, sexless husband.

    When I started focusing on improving myself *for* myself (and not to earn sex from the wife), things started turning around.

    I worked on my physical appearance – losing fat, adding muscle; consistently dressing well and taking care of grooming, even if I’m just running errands on the weekend.

    I kicked it into high gear at my job rather than coasting because I could. I whipped our finances into shape.

    I worked (and still work) on my weak areas, such as social interactions.

    I stopped worrying about upsetting my wife – what’s the worst that could happen? She won’t have sex with me? That was already happening! I speak my mind far more often; rather than tiptoeing around the subject of sex for fear of being seen as crass, these days I never miss the opportunity to let her know I find her sexy and want to do bad bad things to her 🙂

    I still help out around the house and with the kids, but because it’s my home and my family – not that I expect a reward for my efforts.

    For most Christian men, this feels completely alien. We’ve been taught that we should put our wives needs above all else; that being sensitive and caring and sweet and gentle should open up the sexual floodgates. But it just doesn’t work that way – at the risk of stereotyping, most women want strong, confident men who have a strong sense of self and purpose.

    To be clear, I’m not saying that men shouldn’t love and cherish our wives – we absolutely should. At the same time, there is a danger in putting anyone on a pedestal. And no one is sexually attracted to an emotional doormat.

  9. Kiara says:

    Okay here’s my question my husband and I have been together for a while and the problem is that I have a lot of things on my mind we have 5 children ( mostly teenagers) and I am a stay at home mom. he always ready for sex… he is also uses it as a stress reliever for him… but I mean you can just breathe on him and he’s ready but yet on my end I’ve done about 17000 things in a day and thinking about sex isn’t one because he is at work.. so when I’m tired I pass out so the other day it’s just gotten to the point where I don’t want to do it because he always hits his spot real quick and I’m finally just starting to think about it. so the other day he decided to tell me to play with myself first or during.. so that way I won’t be so disappointed when he comes is that not selfish on his part.. isn’t that his job and I don’t want to play with myself..I mean isn’t that why I am I married can you help

  10. Julie Sibert says:

    @Kiara… I don’t think your husband is being selfish. I think he is trying to problem solve. Life is full and demanding, but what happens if the marriage isn’t nurtured? I am not saying this is easy, but it would be in the best interest of your wellbeing, your husband’s wellbeing and your marriage if the two of you would work together to both work on nurturing intimacy. It’s not his “job” to get you to climax, any more than it’s your “job” to get him to climax. BUT, it is both of your shared responsibility to nurture sexual intimacy. Express what you need and ask him to express what he needs. I sense your husband was simply trying to help you enjoy sex more. If you have other ideas beyond what he suggested, then bring those up to him. Talk. Explore. Try new things. Address the issues. Do you need more foreplay? Tell him this. Show him. At any rate, don’t let sex become a bitter divide between the two of you. You’ll regret it, in the long term and short term.

  11. Brad says:

    I’ve been married going on 17 years. I have three beautiful kids and a beautiful wife who I love to death. We are a one income family I have work to provide for our family all these years. I get up go to work come home do the dishes go grocery shop and cook dinner. Wash and dry my own clothes. When it comes to intimacy my wife wants nothing to do with me. And when she does it Sames like she is doing it just to do it just to shut me up. So now I have told her that I was going to do my best to not look at her in that way anymore. She turns me on when I look at her when I kiss her when I hug her. She says that’s all I think about is sex so I informed her I was going to do whatever it takes to not be sexually attracted to her anymore. I do not know what I should be doing feel like I do every day I’ll build that props for one of my daughters I help the other daughter would movie tie kickboxing I coach football for my son. I’ll build floats for Christmas parades for my kids. If any one need something and or it’s for kids or my wife or our families I’m always there I asked for no help I asked no questions seems like I’m just there to pay the bills and do what everyone needs done my wife always asked me to do these things. Just tired of trying

  12. Georgie Girl says:

    My husband shut me down sexually/emotionally when he made a terrible confession to me one day in a store parking lot. He told me flat out that “he couldn’t help it, he just loved to look at all beautiful women.” As soon as he said that, I felt my broken heart sink to the bottom of my stomach, and it stayed there. My husband gawks at women all the time right in front of me, which hurts me so badly. I think the day he said this to me I died inside. I have never been the same since that day.

  13. K. says:

    I apparently have a husband who does all, but number one. He’s clean physically. I’ve tried everything. I’ve lost weight, put my makeup on, fixed my hair, and ect. He never responds or gives me any confidence that he’s into my sexual advances. He’d rather talk. I’m so turned off by him. I just love him so much outside of the bedroom and we have a baby. I’m just tired of feeling ugly, like I’m not good enough, rejected, and like I’m not a sexual being. He says let him be the man and let him make the moves. Tried that. That leaves me feeling worse. It’s like all I am good for is to get him off when he’s ready. All I’m good for is a friend with occasional benefits. My heart, soul, body, and my mind needs TLC too. I’m feeling so lonely. I’ve talked to him about it, but all he does is always have a excuse. His responses literally feel like he’s trying to advise me to not be sensual in order to turn him on. I feel like It’s like some sort of interview of what I can do to please him enough. I give him all the conversation he needs so needing more one on one convo is ridiculous. His needs mean more to him than mine.There’s a time for shutting your mouth and showing me you can make conversation with your eyes, hands, lips, tongue, and your body. I want to feel wanted, desired, like I’m good enough, and sex that connects me to my partner on every level. I feel like a man married to a woman. I’m okay most days cause we are best friends, but I have a lot of moments when this really gets to me. And it really hurts.

  14. Chris says:

    One thing for sure there’s a lot of people with different ways of reacting to one another. Don’t get me wrong. My wife has MS and it has killed all desire for sex. I accept her chronic disease. It’s horrible for her. But she treats me like I am her servant. I give so much. I get so. Little. Ahhh why even tell you all. Leaving her is the only answer. I have told God I won’t do that no matter how I wish to leave her sometimes. Remember friends, others are also lost. That’s what I hear in these posts. I am too. Wow does it suck. Somehow, I go on. But it’s close sometimes.

  15. LC says:

    WOW, I’m in the same boat too Brandon, wow can’t wait to jump right in with you guys, for years been thinking I was the only one going through these things, being a good, strong and loving husband, who takes good care of my home, wife and kids, but only to get shut down so much when it comes to a little affection when I need, I’m talking some serious depravement,. hit me back fellas, can’t wait to further this. Here’s the kicker, there wasn’t anything she wouldn’t do sexually for me while we were dating, now all of a sudden you go from giving me what I want whenever I want however I want now that I have in returned gave you a wonderful home, and cars and have settled down and stay at home more, now all of of sudden she has done a complete 360 esp when it comes to sex. I can’t believe the betrayal that’s just what it feels like. Holla back my Brothers.

  16. LJ says:

    I’m so tired of hearing whining from everyone….why have we ALLOWED people to take advantage of us in such a way? Too tired for sex…over weight…under weight…gawking at other people…no intimacy…too much time spent working…not enough time working…who cooks…who cleans….who takes care of the kids…errands…bills…aging parents…no communication…no intimacy….health issues…financial issues…porn addiction…this and that, what the ever happened to good ol fashion sex for an hour here and there a couple times a week? Too much time spent wondering and doing other things instead of concentrating on the sexual aspect of marriage, it’s pathetic!

  17. John Fredericks says:

    My wife is a prude. Last weekend the kids were gone and we had the entire weekend to ourselves. There was a movie, some shopping, a few errands, and the kitchen was closed. When did we have sex? 11pm on Sunday night. Did I tell you that I get up at 5am? The thing I struggle with most is how I’m supposed to please her. My wife thinks oral is pretty much dysfunctional. There’s times she orgasms through intercourse and times she doesn’t. Missionary or woman on top only. No rear entry because she “feels like a dog.” I’m begging to go down on her but she doesn’t like it. My wife actually said once that ,”The mouth isn’t sexual.” I wonder how she’d feel of I made out with another woman. I’m at a point where if I kiss her below her breasts I get self conscious. I thought sex should be a total body experience. Oh well.

  18. Misty says:

    Been with my man for 6 years, going 7 now. He is a great responsible man. I was so sexually attracted to him. For the first three years we were into each other, had sex like there was no tomorrow. I love him but the sex slowed down as time passed. I tried my best not to deny his advances and I admit I faked orgasm 90% just to boost his ego. Lately I realized what was wrong. I am not emotionally satisfied anymore, we lost that emotional connection which is supposed to be important in marriage. He was busy making money and seemed to put our marriage to 2nd priority (thats what I felt and I am resenting him for that). I also longed to be wanted with great passion (not being rushed), but whenever we started having sex it feels like he doesnt even do his best (kind of selfish I think). Now it just feels like its just another routine for me to complete. I know it wasnt my hormones because I get turned on just watching good looking guys half naked and I masturbate when I’m alone. Women loves to be made love. Not to mention his insensitivity and not taking care of himself killed it (just having him brush his teeth every night is an ordeal). So, I would say, open your ears to your woman (listen when she’s talking to you rather than multi-tasking), takes good care of yourself (and try to smell good!), kiss her like she’s the most beautiful woman in the world, and lots of flirting really do wonders (my husband stopped flirting after we got married). And marriage should be the 1st priority.

  19. Jay says:

    Married 22 years, our sex life couldn’t be better. Actually our relationship couldn’t be better. Sure, we had years raising 3 kids that were ups and downs. Over the past 2-3 years I realized that I could be more attentive to her emotionally and just plain respectful to her as a person and wife. Yes, it takes swallowing some pride at times but I will say it was all worth it. No complaints sexually at all. Just over this weekend without the kids we had sex of some sort 9 times.

    My complaint is with #2. Porn.
    Yes, from time to time I take a peak, I would say once around every 10 days to two weeks. In no way do I hide this nor do I throw it in her face. However, this needs to be addressed with the women of this world reading erotic/romance novels one after the other. What exactly is the difference? I never mind when W reads those from time to time (mostly she reads suspense/thrillers), but to blame this “porn” thing completely on the husband is calling the kettle calling the pot black.

  20. THE EVIL ABSTAINER aka unchristian wife says:

    I have trouble having sex with arrogant condescending jerks who (for the love of Pete!) will not or maybe cannot STOP TALKING!!!!!!! Mostly the talk pertains to how stupid I am and how nobody likes me, and also all the dumb things I do that he so vehemently disagrees with, of course. He expounds on these themes ad nauseum…when he isn’t expounding at length on how stupid our children are, that is (in front of the children BTW). Then, minutes later, he is trying to make out with me or grab my a** or otherwise get me into bed. I am afraid of what I might do to his member if I did go to bed with him, folks. So you see, it is in my husband’s best interest that I abstain. I am merely protecting him…… We did try counseling once so he could “learn how to deal with [me]” but he lost interest so that is not an option.

  21. Tea says:

    My husband is a good man and awesome father. I am a sah mom and love him, I know he loves me. I know our marriage is in trouble. We only have sex twice a month, I try hard to get in the mood. I found nude videos on his ph from his brother and videos from his brother getting oral sex from some woman in his car my husband commented “must be nice” like I’ve never done that to him and I have many times. I just feel like I will never be enough. Maybe he keeps these videos to fantasize about other women. His brother is no longer married (a dog in my opinion) and I’m afraid he is influencing these nasty videos.

    He did not have my back when his brother came over one day and asked if the can go to vegas together, I said no becauese he and I hand not ever been on a vaca as husb & wife, no honeymoon…. nothing neither have I had a break from being a sahm no break even when I worked full time. Brother stated sahmothering is no job it is a duty, my husband pretended he didnt hear anything. On Top of this we no longer talk anymore. We only conversate about whats for dinner and the kids or their school. I feel lonely. He does not take his time and make love to me, when we are intimate after he gets his there is no round two for me.
    Just recently he got me preggo and it was totally unexpected as I was dieting and exercising. He asked me to abort, as hard as it was I did in fear that keeping it would make things worse. I am sad I did that because I grieve for that baby.
    I cannot talk to him, he often has nothing to say. No thoughts or comments or no feedback. Other than kids and a female friend I’ve never met 4 states away I dont have any other conversation. I often fantasize about being how I feel inside…alone.

  22. Judy says:

    Hi Julie,
    I have wriiten you only a couple times before,and it has been a few years back. My husband and I have a great sexual relationship,until a year or so ago when he became much more agressive in bed,and it’s getting worse all the time. For years his favorite position to satisfy his needs was me on my back pinned beneath him,if you know what I mean…now he much prefers to take me from behind and seems to have a willingness to use dirty words during sex. As a Christen woman,I have become offended by some of the words he uses while we are having sex…he uses the F word over and over again and wants me to be vulgar as well! I read a post of yours you had put on your website a couple years back,dealing with what are acceptable words during sex in the Christen marriage. You said that many times you say..”Oh God” when close to reaching an orgasm! iI it proper for a Christian man to use the F word along with calling my vagina a “pussy” or worse yet,..a “cunt’ while making love to me? It is such a turn off for me,even though I want to statisfy my husband fully,..are words like this acceptable in a Christian marriage ? It gets much worse than that,..he wants me to be very explicent in my language I use describing his big hard penis,and believe me,..those words don’t even come close to what he wants me to say to him anymore ! Christ is first in my life and I am becoming very worried about my soul as well as my husbands with being so vulgar in bed! Am I right in thinking this,..or am I a prude for a wife ?
    Thanks Julie,I look forward to hearing back from you,and I so much appreciate your website.

  23. sara maria pascarella says:

    Hello everyone, I must apologise before hand if this offends anyone but I never managed to read all of your comments!! But I have to put my opinion into this fascinating forum….
    And lady please forgive me….But if we gave our men what they wanted everyone’s lives would be much sweeter!! Give him the sex he wants and needs,because he might want those things but he wants them with YOU for goodness sake wake up and smell the spunk!! You give the man in you life what he needs and your life will be a walking orgasm!!! C’mon ladies…..love you,be happy…xxx

  24. Julie Sibert says:

    @Judy… thank you for sharing so vulnerably about what is happening in your marriage bed. I am so sorry for what you are experiencing from the man who claims to love you and cherish you (at least that is what the marriage vows indicate).

    I don’t think you are being a prude. I think your husband is being careless and insensitive. He is deriving sexual pleasure from something that is hurtful and degrading to you. The foundation of sexual intimacy in a marriage should be love and safety, and clearly your husband is disregarding both of these.

    If I were you, I would clearly reiterate again to him that using the language and his aggression in bed is repulsive to you. Express to him that you want both of you to enjoy sex, but that you are struggling with some of the things he wants you to do and/or that he wants to do to you.

    If he ignores your heart cry for more mutually-pleasing sexual intimacy, then suggest that the two of you go to counseling.

    I would also add that if after your clear communication that you do not want to participate in the coarse language and aggression, if he continues to force these issues on you, I think that is abusive. You have a right to say, “I am not going to participate in sex that way. I want to make love to you, but not that way.”

    Thank you for commenting. Again, I am so sorry your husband is being careless with your relationship.

  25. Bek says:

    Hi Jay , in terms of your comparisons of women reading novels or watching movies with watching porn !
    I personally hate chick flicks and don’t read romance novels . However , as you state ‘some ‘ women do . There is however NO comparison between porn and this and here is why
    Porn is an industry that is extremely demeaning to the entire female gender . If you would like to look at research ( say for example by professor Gail Dines , although there is a lot more available ) you will see that even within mainstream porn around 88% of that material shows women being degraded and demeaned . This included being hit, spat on and called names like wh…s, and sl…ts.
    Many of us woman simply don’t want to be married to men who support an industry that sees womeb as nothing but meat to be cataogirised
    Click into you favourite porn site and see women described by every single body part imaginable . Broken down like a butchers shop . You could easily find over one hundred different categories with perhaps two for men ( gay and big …)
    This is incredibly demeaning to women and NOTHING like a FICTIONAL character in a novel .
    The next argument by porn users is often that the girls in porn are not real . Well I have a surprise for you ! Guess what ? They are real ! They are very real women with very real lives and families and it’s very disturbing that so many people are able to commodity and disassociate in such a way as to compare them something imagined and worthless as a fictional character.
    Many many women instinctively know this and sense the wrongness of treating another human being this way . In fact the wrongness of treating an entire gender as if their only worth is their body
    Tell me is it fair when a wife had devoted her body to giving you babies and say thirty years of her life that you are masterbating to women the age of the daughters you share ?
    And incidentally how do you KNOw for a fact that the girls you are masterbating to are of legal age and not just made up and coerced
    Do these things ever worry you
    It does your orgasm manage to trump your humanity like so many men ?
    You sound like a reasonable man and one who is reflective . Perhaps food for thought

  26. Bek says:

    So I guess Jay or the other guys could reassure any women who don’t like porn or feel comfortable with their partners using it if exactly how they guarantee the women they are using to get off to are of legal age and are not coerced?
    And also how they reconcile within themselves the fact that women are so much more objectified in EVERY single body part than men and how this can possible make their partners feel and why they think this is a decent way to treat women

  27. Anne says:

    I think if a person is being abused sexually verbally and emotionally….Christian or not…they should get out. I personally met more Christian pastors wives in the safe house for abused women because the church hasn’t wanted to be transparent with these issues of the heart between men and women. I believe that a lot of it comes from the fact that leadership in the church is not whole. Secondly….trust is huge for both men and women. If a spouse cannot keep trust due to having to have the other person in their lives….that is disfunction and is not based on love but self, control and/or fear. The person needs to get help who is subjecting the other spouse to it and if they will not then they are breaking covenant. I think that the church also needs to start looking into depth what covenant means to God not out of duty but in His perfected love in us. When people are crying out for truth and love together humbly…the Lord will answer. Anne.

  28. Firewood says:

    Oh my WORD! You hit the nail on the head with this one!! This is my marriage to a T, and after learning he’s been having online affairs and just how much his porn use has become it’s really hard for me to want to be sexual. And when I am he expects me to wear or what this girl wears or does. Makes me want to tell him how my friends husband pleases her while making sure her body trembles at his slightest touch.

  29. Anon says:

    These five things are perfect. I love how it also asks the woman to be sexually attentive to their men at the end.

    I’m a lucky woman because it was my husband who taught me these things on the list. I think there are women who don’t mind open relationships but not very many. I think for the most part women relate to this post.

    I know it’s difficult to be in the mood for women but it’s important to not say no to them because it makes them feel bad about themselves like they’re not desirable or something. Sometime men can understand way us women are not in the mood. Pregnancy and gas being two of them ha.

    I think what really helps get libido going is exercise. It’s helped my husband and I.

    My husband told me he wanted sex but stress at work was wearing him out. I’m glad he said something because I got fat during pregnancy and my libido was low. I found my husband desirable but I was just out of shape and lazy.

    We both started working and just after week two there’s already a huge improvement.

    I cook, clean and take care of our son for him.

    He works long 12 hour shifts to provide for his family.

    He’s the head of the house and makes all the decision but respects my counsel and opinions. (I’ve been a women power lady most of my life so I atleast need to be heard..unless I’m hormonal. Then I keep my opinions to myself.)

    We both are mentally committed. We don’t find anyone else sexually attractive because we chose to make that commitment to eachother. It is possible.

    It just take practice

    It works for us.

    I just wan t people to know it’ possible

  30. Chris says:

    20+ years of marriage. Haven’t had sex with my wife for nearly half of that.

    Lack of personal hygiene?
    She bathes MAYBE once a week..

    Looking at porn?
    Guilty as charged.. But I GET IT NOWHERE ELSE..

    Wanting someone to join the two of you in bed?
    Hmmmm.. Not even an option, let alone part of any conversation we’ve ever had..

    Neglecting her emotionally?
    Not a f****** chance. I allow her to follow through on any and every whim she comes up with. Are any of those sexual? A resounding NO.

    Downplaying the importance of her sexual pleasure?
    Ahhhh.. The creme-de-la-creme of questions. Let me tell you, I could camp out between the legs of any woman and give her oral pleasure. My idea of a fun sexual experience? Getting. Her. Off. The most powerful and erotic experience ever. My wife hates receiving oral. What. The. F***? I actually had her close to a squirting orgasm once and she made me stop because she said she was “going to pee.” Really?! What the fuck am I doing at this point?

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