Tired of Him Wanting Sex? Consider this…

Upset couple sleeping separatelyI know many of the wives who read my blog already have a healthy view of sexual intimacy.

They actually like sex and see the positive difference it makes for them and for their marriage.

My hope is that if you are one of those wives who loves sex, you will courageously share this post with your friends and acquaintances through your social networks.

Here’s why:

We have an opportunity to save marriages.

That sounds so drastic. I know.

But I regularly receive emails from husbands — CHRISTIAN husbands — who are so exasperated and discouraged about the lack of sexual intimacy in their marriages, they are actually considering divorce.  True story.  Every week, I receive emails of that nature.

And their wives have no clue.

So, basic math would tell me that same dynamic exists in numerous Christian households.  Likely it exists within the marriages of some of your friends, acquaintances, co-workers, neighbors, Bible study pals and so forth.

I can’t reach all those marriages (or even a portion of them), at least not without your help.  Please consider sharing this message with them (and with yourself, if any of the below resonates with you…)

If you as a wife are tired of your husband wanting sex, consider this…

1. The simple fact this is a struggle between you and your husband shows that it is indeed a struggle.

In other words, is ignoring the situation or expecting him to lighten up about it helping anything?  Seriously… is it?

Or is it only causing more division, frustration and discord?  And if he has stopped asking or bringing the matter up, honestly that’s more cause for alarm, in my opinion.

This is the person you willingly VOWED to honor, respect and love as God defines marital love.

That kind of love… the Godly sort of love in marriage… includes sex, particularly sex that is mutually nurtured and valued.

Think I’m crazy?   Try this… humbly, authentically and courageously ask your husband this question:

“When we make love and I genuinely enjoy that time with you, what does that do for you?  How does it make you feel?”

If you rarely or never enjoy sex or initiate, you could ask this question:

“How has it made you feel that I don’t show much interest in sex in our marriage?”

Ask him to respond honestly (and don’t attack him for his answer).

Pray and ponder about his response in light of your ability to make the marriage stronger and healthier.  After all, he can’t legitimately go get sex elsewhere (and I don’t think you really want him to, right?)

You’re it when it comes to satisfying his godly sexual desires.

If the comments and emails tell me anything, your husband is probably like most husbands. He wants his wife.  Not because he just wants sex, but because he genuinely wants to bond sexually, emotionally and spiritually with the woman he married.

You.  He wants you.

2. If you have past issues with sex, could it help your marriage if you found healing in those areas?

I know the prevalance of sexual abuse is high among women.  Statistics vary, but the most common one says about 1 in 8 women have at some point been sexually abused.  Some statistics place the figure closer to 1 in 5.

If you were sexually abused and that abuse is still wreaking havoc on you being able to enjoy sex with your husband in the right context of marriage, please seek help.  Please.

You are worth it. Your husband is worth it. Your marriage is worth it.

If your past issues are of your own doing, such as promiscuity before marriage, and you associate all sex with being sinful, you are believing a lie.

Sex outside of marriage certainly is not God’s design, but there is no reason to let your past promiscuity (or your spouse’s) to continue to rob you.

If your past issues are that some well-meaning Christians gave you completely messed up teachings about sex, forgive them and move on to healthier teachings.  Seriously. Move. On.

There are many of you reading this who were always told sex is gross, wrong or just your “duty” as a wife.    Absent from these types of teachings from your church or Christian adults in your life was the TRUTH… that sex is good, holy and right in marriage.  It certainly goes way beyond mere duty, at least if we are paying attention to God’s take on the matter.

God designed orgasm and pleasure for BOTH a husband and a wife.

God talks extensively about sex in His Word, and whenever He talks about it in the context of marriage, He speaks of it positively.

3. Sex isn’t just for him.

There’s a lot of irony going on in marriages where sex is a struggle.

Usually, the picture goes like this…

A husband badgers his wife for sex.  She gives in, does it and checks it off her list until the next time he bugs her about doing it again.

Rinse. Repeat.

She doesn’t really find much pleasure in sex, but “oh well” she thinks to herself. “At least he is sexually satisfied for now and will leave me alone for awhile.”

So where’s the irony?  Well, by you not really enjoying sex, you are robbing BOTH of you.  Orgasm and genuinely being present during lovemaking so you can appreciate it really is quite good for you.  Your pleasure matters.

And when you experience pleasure, your husband enjoys sex more.  You being sexually fulfilled makes his sexual experience better.

If you are tired of your husband wanting sex and you think everything would be fabulous if he just stopped wanting it, I encourage you to humbly dig into that a bit.

Would it really be better and healthier if the man who loves you and is building a life with you decided sex just isn’t worth the effort anymore?

Copyright 2013, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage blog.

101 thoughts on “Tired of Him Wanting Sex? Consider this…

  1. Miserable and Married says:

    Judy, I wish I could get my wife to have sex 3 times a week! Your husband is very lucky! You described me when you described your husband. Except after 23 years of marriage I would love to have sex that often. lol I would be thankful. lol Before my wife, I had sex 3-5 times a week. She has cut me down to nothing. I’m lucky to get it once in months. I’m going insane! I can understand his want of more. But man I would be happy with what he has. My wife has no sex drive. Tell him to be thankful.

  2. Callie says:

    To get a sex life after 31 years of refusal by me, My husband came home from a stress center and forced the issue which set in motion the forcing of many more issues. His force was on a night he knew would be a night he was in everyones face over it. He has not moved out of everyones face since< THE only way is his now.

  3. Jason says:

    I think part of the problem is power. Women have all the power. Everytime my wife and I have a disagreement, she threatens to divorce me. We all know what that means. Women get the kids, most of the money right off the bat and a good chunk of money every month for years to come. Men have to shut up, put up and not complain and if the do, they lose everything. I work shift work. My wife insisted on watching movies on her laptop when I tried to sleep. I work in an industrial plant. I MUST sleep or I am really at risk of having an accident at work. We don’t even sleep in the same room any. I cannot even try to tell her how I feel because I am always wrong. She will start yelling at me and threaten to divorce again. I am trying to just hold it together until the children are grown. I can’t rock the boat in anyway or I will lose my children. This is my second marriage. My first marriage, well it wasn’t even consummated until over a year after we were married. I think my wife had “vaginisumus”. She REFUSED to go see a doctor about it. She didn’t care enough. I feel so cheated by selfish women. Of course the first wife took most of money money. I went bankrupt because of how men get treated. I’m trying so hard just to shut up and put up. It is so hard …. If I lost my children a second time, I don’t think I’d want to live anymore.

  4. Sam says:

    I need a helpp.what can i do course my wife everytime she not starting me to sleep with her all the time im the one whos starting her and wer fighting what can i do fo make peace in my marriage

  5. MercSoldier says:

    I’m basically in the same boat as “Miserable and Married”. I’m a private military contractor, have a good income, am out of country for long periods of time, But whenever I am home, my wife’s desire for, or interest in a normal sex life with me is at ABSOLUTE ZERO. When Andi and I first married, she shared the fact that she had been in abusive relationships prior to our marriage,( I’m husband #5 ) but at that time, she was almost a nymphomaniac! Oh how I miss those days!
    Five years into our marriage, her OB/GYN discovered a fibroid, supposedly basketball sized, He labelled it as life threatening, and ordered a total hysterectomy. I frankly believe he was full of ****, and his diagnosis was motivated more by $$$$ than saving her life! Since then,we’ve been married almost 16YEARS, I’m lucky to get any sex at all, which she attributes to her “Life saving” surgery, uses it as her universal excuse, and repeatedly tells me “Sex isn’t everything, a “Good” Marriage, and husband can survive without it, and besides, you’re supposedly a SOLDIER, so DEAL WITH IT!.
    I feel unwanted, and quite disrespected whenever I’m honest about my feelings, and she simply states “Well, you’ll just have to do what you do about it whenever your out of the country”. I’m lucky if I get it once or twice a month, IF she’s feeling charitable. She always makes it a point to let me know it too. She makes it abundantly clear that she is only doing it for me, as she really has NEITHER NEED, NOR DESIRE for it.
    You know…I’m REALLY TRYING to stay the course, but I’m a NORMAL, 100% STRAIGHT MALE, I have a sex drive not normally possessed by men close to 60. I also DO NOT LOOK LIKE MOST MEN DO AT 60,(I’m told I look more like a man of 35) have been told by female coworkers that I am very attractive, and if not for the fact that they respect my marriage, they’d “jump on me in a heartbeat”.

    I would never want to purposely hurt her, but I’m realizing more every day, that this marriage is EXTREMELY ONE-SIDED!! I would never INTENTIONALLY HURT HER, but she DOES SO EVERY DAY, without even a THOUGHT as to my sadness, FRUSTRATION, and mounting RAGE.

    I see ALOT of MAN’S INHUMANITY TO MAN in my line of work, and as you can imagine, I have a very hard time keeping a “Heart of Flesh” throughout all of it, but to come home and have to ENDURE what I consider to be BLATANT DISRESPECT, AND ABUSE from MY OWN WIFE, is definitely pushing the RAGGED EDGE of the envelope! What would you suggest? I’ve got ladies who are TWICE THE WOMAN that my wife is, dropping me hints, and then there’s MY WIFE. I’m right at the edge of my design tolerance for BS here. HELP!!

  6. Delilah says:

    Sex just isn’t good for women. It’s the way we’re built and a total design flaw. We pretend to like it for our spouse but even that gets old after a while. At a certain point, women get tired of going through the motions. It’s not that women hate men, but sex just isn’t the same experience for us . The dynamics have changed. Women work full time at work and then at home. When sex is just “meh”, it’s just another chore on our never ending list of crap to do.

  7. Julie Sibert says:

    @Delilah… sounds like your outlook on sex and marriage is fairly negative. To say “sex just isn’t good for women” is a pretty broad judgment.

    I know plenty of women who really enjoy sex, so I think your comment is more reflective of your personal experience and perspective rather than a reflective of how all women feel.

    Thanks for commenting though. I’m sorry that sex has been such a disappointment for you and your husband.

  8. Josh P says:

    My wife hardly touches me. We literally just had a sex fail an hour ago. Its been a month and Ive been essentially begging for sex for the last week. I need it 3x weekly or more and when we were first married it was no problem. Our 10th anniversry is in 6 weeks and the last 5 years have been enough to conceive our 2nd kid but not enough to keep me from going crazy. I love her. She is also my best friend. I work soooo hard to earn an income so she can be home with the kids and my dedication to that seems to be exhausting her to the point that I am beyond an afterthought. I asked her if she actually loved me or if I’m a best friend she will have mercy sex with monthly. She cried over me having to ask. I’d have let her off the hook if I was just a roommate. I need sex, its how I interpret my worth for my love of her. She just cant seem to give it. Ive resigned myself to just try to fight what feels like onsetting depression. I am an extrovert and I just feel like sleeping now. Im not feeling worth very much. And not to get too graphic but we used to do it in any room, any position, and lots of oral. Oral is banned, sex is now missionary, and in one location. Its the least possible effort on her part and so predictable. It feels like I must not be worth the adventure. ( — to make things worse for me, a good friend just admitted to me that years ago he cheated on his wife and now, after couples counceling, his wife performs oral 3+ times weekly and they have a sunday AM sex meeting before church. 4x a week?!?! Should I cheat? Is that my lesson? I refuse! How the heck does his bad behavior get rewarded with my dream?!?! Argh!!! )

    Wives, if your are disinterested but love your husband… Please save him by finding a way to genuinely rock his world in bed. Make him feel like he’s the key to your feeling like a woman. (Im begging for your man, just in case he won’t).

    I feel unnecessary except for income. I think Im an ATM even though she really doesnt treat me like that. Unfortunately, the kids want her and she is better with them. She runs the family social life. She expresses a need and I start to work on fulfilling it. She is bad with electonics, bookkeeping, auto maintenance tracking, etc. i handle it all and never complain. I come home from a work trip and she hands me the kids so she can sleep, i have to handle all the other stuff, and I want sex to show me that she sees me. Sees that I love her enough to do all that, but I get shut out. In the last 75 days weve had sex 2x and both were with extreme pressure from me. Ive literally gotten her clothes off 2x in the last 2 days only to have her fall asleep on me. Im clearly not important enough to stay awake.

    Please, again, if you love your husband you gotta physically show it. Wanna make him feel like a loser – close your legs tight. Sorry to be crass but im so hurt and fruatrated and I know Im not the only guy who loves his wife who says she loves him yet she fails to act on it.

    Oh, and lasies, fwiw, I am a type A business man who has the respect of many as a leader in my industry. I feel like I sound very weak in this post… Your man might seem strong as an ox – thats how people see me – but with you, about you, for you… He might just be vinerable and aching for his wife like me.

    A hurt husband still in love

  9. Sonya says:

    My Husband and I are at the point of no return if we don’t get it together behind sex. If he don’t get sex in 3 days it’s a argument,and when he get it it’s still an argument. It’s seen to me that he only married me for sex and our marriage is base totally on sex. He constantly telling me if I don’t give it to him there women who are willing to give him sex. He also tells me I take our marriage for granted because I don’t want to have sex as much as he do. That don’t have anything to do with our situation. I don’t want to have self because I’m getting tired of him putting pressure on me about having sex every day. I’m his wife not sex slave. I’m getting tired and I’m considering a divorce. And we only been married for a year.

  10. A.C says:

    Josh P
    I understand you. I am almost in the same situation. No sex, no matter how much I try. The worst thing is that she sometimes says she wants to but then doesn’t care. Like thus morning she wraps her legs around my head. Something that gets me excited and then she just cut it of. That’s frustrating. when we have sex it’s usually one position, the one she likes. Not more. As you said, she used to like oral but after we had our first child its of the table. I don’t know what to do maybe sex isn’t important. If it wasn’t written in the Bible I would believe that sex is unnecessary because my wife treats it that way. Maybe sex is not part of love. Maybe that’s what we just believe because if it was more people would have sex. I mean she apparently loves me without having sex so could I get sex somewhere else and still love her, right? I know that the Word of God says its sin and I don’t want to do it but it makes you wonder.

  11. Melissa says:

    @josh p As someone on the other side, I am going to give a possible glimpse of maybe a part of what your wife may be feeling. I have no idea if it’s at all accurate, but it sounds like you (and me and my husband) have such bad communication that I doubt you will ever know until you make a huge effort to overcome it which may or may not work.

    Everything you said seems to point to an exhausted, lonely, fearful, sad woman who is living every day doing her duty and hurting inside because no matter how hard she tries, she’s failing you – and may have already given up any hope of being a happily married woman even though she will tell you over and over how happy she is because she has nothing truly “wrong”, feels guilty about her discontent and most of all, does not want to discourage or burden the dear man who is literally giving him life for the family.

    I know that woman very well because that’s me.

    If you were my husband, I might think but never tell you something like this –

    “When I see you, I cringe and hope you won’t tell me something I did was wrong or what I forgot or what you wish I had done or done differently. I think, ‘I hope he’s in a good mood. I hope he’s gentle and tender with me today. I hope he won’t say a single harsh thing. I don’t think I can take it. My heart is already bleeding from yesterday’s calm, eye-rolling, talk-to-me-like-I’m-three conversation.’

    Outwardly, I smile happily. I talk about the kids, our life. When you tell me that I forgot to do something, I wish you would have slapped me instead because the knowledge that I failed you again and that I have frustrated you AGAIN makes me so unhappy that I want to break down in tears. Instead, I get busy doing something to not meet your eyes while I apologize for what I truly forgot to do with all the other things like “Mommy, I have to go NOW!” and the scream after the wasp sting and the call from the homeschool group about Rick biting another child and bleeding through my skirt while out shopping with the kids while they cry thinking that I am dying.

    I know you think that what you want doesn’t matter. I know when we talk that it sounds like ‘What you asked me to do wasn’t important enough to me to remember. If you care about me, Woman, you would just call a bank and ask a simple question when I told you five times now – and struggle to make these kinds of calls at work.’

    I drop my dish towel when you bring up our neighbor Reg. I don’t want to think about him. I never told you and never will, but Reg propositioned me for the fourth time running during your last trip. He noticed that your car never left the house – and asked if it was okay if he stopped by sometime. When he touched my arm, I asked him to stop and told him that I am faithful woman. He reminded me about how after your and my big fight three years ago, he found me weeping in the backyard. You know, when you left to go cool off. Reg held me while I cried into his chest. He stroked my hair and tried to kiss me. I had pushed him away and asked him to not touch me again, but he’s never left me alone since that night. The shark smells blood in the water – and he’s circling me. He promises me laughter, excitement, and fun – and spoke to me so kindly and without a single harsh word or criticism – or a reminder of what I forgot to do. I haven’t had a man talk to me like that since 11 years ago when we were dating. I said ‘no’, but I think about it still. I can feel how tender his arms were while the thought of yours makes me want to cry because I fear what you say once I’m there – no doubt something I did wrong or give me another directive on what you want me to do with the kids or with the house. I’ll probably forget since I won’t write it down – and you’ll be frustrated about that too. Much better to not let it happen. I will avoid you when you try to hold me.

    I wish Reg never touched me. He waves to me whenever I come and go with the kids in the van before he leaves for his third shift job.

    My life is mess, noise, shouting, fighting, never-ending chores, ignoring sickness to do my duty as a wife and mother, isolation from other adults except in the context of children, and staring out the window while I fold laundry living out a fantasy with you and me, making passionate love in the middle of the forest under Christmas lights and the Milky Way, but when you come home tonight, you will say something negative about dinner or ask me why I didn’t call the bank – and now they are closed early so I can’t call them while I am remembering, or remind me in some other way of what a failure of a wife I am and how you think I don’t care about you.

    So, instead, I will busy myself with the kids while I see you looking at my chest. I will ignore the fact that you are clearly having an erection. I will hold back my sobs that threaten to break out while wishing beyond all hope that you would simply come to me and say, “All this other stuff doesn’t matter to me like you do. I care about you. I love YOU. You are precious to me. I had no idea how rejected, unwanted and unloved I made you feel. I’m trying to help you by telling you what you should do and how to do it. I’m reminding you because we can’t refinance the house until you call the bank – and I want to use that extra money for the kids’ education. When I want to hold you, it’s because I want to express my love for you – not because I’m trying to use you or setting you up for the worst possible feelings of failure and disappointment. When I tell you what I want to do differently in our lovemaking, IT IS NOT A CRITICISM. I am simply so excited about you that I want to try to do more to express it in a different way. When we have sex, YOU ARE DOING NOTHING WRONG. What did I do to give you the idea that every sexual encounter is a letdown for me? Because it’s not true. And I will never again hold a mini-critique at the end asking what you liked and didn’t or telling you what I thought. I had no idea you thought I was saying a whole laundry list of everything about our sex that I hate or that you are pathetic in doing. Is that why we don’t have oral sex anymore? Is that why you shrink away from me? Do you think I am mentally judging and critiquing you the whole time? Because I told you, ‘I don’t understand why it’s so hard for me to release when I’m in your mouth.’ That was a fact and a wondering out loud not a figurative slap in the face saying, ‘Can’t you even do a simple sex act right?’ No wonder you don’t want to go anywhere near our bed.

    Tonight, I will only hold you and talk to you. I want you to talk to me. We will work for the next six months to show you that my arms are safe, a refuge, a haven – not a place of torment, of criticism, of irritation, and of self-doubt. I love you.”

    But you will never do that. Not even close. And when I try to talk about my feelings and our relationship, you will get short-tempered and tell me that I am again “making excuses to not have sex”.

    And I can’t bear the thought of having sex with a man who doesn’t really love me, thinks me disappointing, or has to treat me like a child because I do a simple thing like call a bank. And you’ll get mad. And I’ll get hurt.

    And tomorrow, we’ll do it all over again.

    Oh, please, God, please let Reg not be home tomorrow.”

  12. Hopeless says:

    This is all very depressing to me. My wife is completely oblivious to my sexual needs. Honestly I am so starved for affection from her that my heart hurts. I don’t know how much longer I can go without that affection. Why did God create man and women so different on this issue. I fear that once the kids are out if High School I am going to be done with marriage. I have been seriously considering an affair or even a prostitute but know that in the end I will still feel empty. I feel completely hopeless and as a believer this just doesn’t make sense that God would have us be so very different on the issue of sex. Most of the men I know are experiencing the same stuff.

  13. Stewart says:

    Your last comment:

    Would it really be better and healthier if the man who loves you and is building a life with you decided sex just isn’t worth the effort anymore?

    This is me. I gave up. My wife cut me off one day out of spite. I took her words seriously and respected them actually. As time passed I warned her and the counselor that we were seeing to work thru this stuff that it was taking a heavy toll on my psyche. A year passed. Then more time. No sex, not once. Now, I have arrived. I will not initiate. I don’t care to have sex with her. My sex drive is intact, I just don’t really care to have sex with her….ever now. I don’t touch her. I don’t look at her in a desiring way. I haven’t seen her naked in a long time now. It was her way to exact control and punishment on me (I guess I’ll ask you to believe me on this). She got want she wanted, I guess. We have a sexless marriage. I won’t cheat. I have no desire to chase women or prostitutes. But I won’t live forever like this. So I think about divorce every day. It makes me sad but I think it’s gonna happen. I just need to wait out a few a things with 2 of the children. Then, I’m out.

  14. G George says:

    @Melissa: This read like a book you are writing. It certainly makes for a good read, but it is also a sad circumstance to imagine anyone going through that; whether unintentionally or not. Communication is definitely an issue there. The strange thing about my situation is that I do not do or say anything to intentionally hurt my wife, though I get the feeling that she feels something is missing from her life. We are in a good place, financially, and we are not struggling or experiencing difficulties; yet I still feel that something is missing with her. She is very close to her family and it is almost impossible to get the feeling that I am important enough to come to over her father (parents). I accepted that, along with other things I figured we can work on as we go further into our marriage. But, it has been 6 years and sex is becoming less and less satisfying, and frequent. We may have sex once a month. We are in our thirties…we should be having sex like rabbits! But, if I learned anything throughout my educated life, it is that when women behave like this, they are not happy and they need a way out. If a woman loves you, then expressing herself through intimacy is natural. If she does not understand that it is important for the relationship, then you need to find someone who understands this because you will not educate her to knowledge that she should have attained while maturing through adulthood.

  15. H says:

    I gave up initiating a long time ago. We maybe have sex 10 times a year. Only when she wants to and only in the one position she allows. I have to handle my own needs the rest of the time. I feel like she just doesn’t care. I feel lonely all the time. I am writing this comment alone in bed because she won’t come to bed with me until I am long asleep. It has been this way our entire marriage. I just want the loneliness to end. I still care about her and that is the only reason I get out of bed anymore. I keep working in a job I hate to keep health insurance for her and pay the mortgage. If I died in an accident then my life insurance would pay off the house but only if I stay working in my awful job. If I don’t suffer through it, she would lose everything. All I do anymore is care about her well-being but I don’t feel the caring in return. I hope for an end every day. I don’t want a divorce and suicide is a sin. Maybe I deserve to live in misery. I’m grateful that we don’t have children to witness my decline. I’m tired of having to fight to feel loved and valued. I’m tired of feeling like I don’t matter. I’m just tired.

  16. nochoice says:

    Let me tell you all men why your wife doesn’t want to have sex as frequently as you want. This is because we women do not have as much sex hormone as men, hence we don’t have that desire. Period. When we finally do it, we are just going through motion, just to take care of the husband’s need, i.e., nothing but a chore. It is painful for men not getting sex, it is equally painful for women to have to keep giving sex. I do not know why God make human this way. This problem is eternal, unsolvable. Women only find sex exciting with the same man at the initiate period of a new relationship, after that, the excitement just dies off to zero. This is sad, just so sad, not something that women want or can do anything about it.

  17. Julie Sibert says:

    @nochoice — wow, that’s pretty sad commentary you have there. For the record, there are some women who really do enjoy having sex, so I’m not sure if your broad sweeping generalization is really accurate or fair.

  18. chuck ward says:

    Been three years she was having sex all the time with more then 1 man so at this point, now she says it’s because of past things between us but she won’t leave me, gets naked around me, sleep in bed we do everything but sex can’t take it any longer ready to help fix issue but can’t if she not willing I’m done!!!

  19. Catholic NFP Instructor says:

    @nochoice, as a fertility awareness instructor, I have to call foul on your claim, “we women do not have as much sex hormone as men.”

    Firstly, do you even know what this sex hormone is? it is testosterone, for both men and women. Men constantly produce a stable level of testosterone to produce sperm, which also gives them a libido. Women too produce testosterone, though usually it only spikes around ovulation. (This is why women are more horny around the time they release an egg)

    However, libido goes beyond testosterone. A woman’s hormonal make up is far more complicated than a man’s. Case in point: low estrogen and progesterone can cause low libido. During a woman’s infertile times of her menstrual cycle, even though she is not producing testosterone, she still has other hormones that keep her reproductive organs functioning, thus keeping her open to the idea of sex.

    Honestly, there are roughly three reasons why a woman would not ever want to have or enjoy sex, outside of asexuality:

    1) A minor to severe hormonal imbalance (which CAN be treated)

    2) Some kind of physical reaction to medication or a disorder


    3) She is in a relationship or situation where she does not feel fully, authentically loved, respected, and cherished. Julie has spoken on this already in terms of past abuse, relationship troubles, and other things.

    I have had a traumatic birth, breastfed exclusively, and co-slept with our first child. Hubby and I still sexed it up and enjoyed it! Although we had some periods of abstinence due to fatigue in the beginning, and stumbling through learning NFP, we still very much looked forward to making love. Why?

    Because this man saw me day in and day out struggle with postpartum depression, yet knew I was putting in the effort to raise our daughter at home. Because I saw this man work his ass off to provide for me, and would go hungry just so I had enough to eat (we were not well off!).

    With every struggle we had, we worked together and made time for one another’s company, putting one another first, instead of growing bitter with the other. If he or I ever felt bitter, we talked about it in the marriage bed, before or after lovemaking, or during one of our “mini dates”.

    I’m sorry that you have such a negative view of sex. I’m sorry that some vulnerable woman like you will read this, give up, and hurt her current relationship or marriage.

    So I’m telling you this information so you understand that if you kick yourself into gear, and pushed for a better marriage, and better communication, and practiced selfless love towards yourself and your man, you too can actually enjoy sex.

  20. Bob says:

    Honestly…I’ve given up. If it happens great. I just don’t sleep in the bed to much which is awful but I’m personally tired of all the reasons. We have two great kids…I’ll make the sacrifice r for them but inside I am miseranle.

  21. ej says:

    Help me out here guys. My husband grabs me between my legs and says and giggles. This is supposed to get me in the mood. Men really think this way? I have a cervical cist a bit smaller than a golf ball, a torn labrum (between hip bone &leg bone), on several medication for type 2diabetes (cause low sex drive). Hubby is 6″7 giant. I am 5″3. The only way to have sex anymore is doggy style. Blowbjob??? Meds cause me nausea when I eat salty things. Guess what your seed taste like! I love my husband more than anything in the world. But if he wants sex he is going to have to put more effort into it than grabbing my crotch, or complaining. When was the last time you held your wife in your lap just to hold her with no expectations.

    Men get a ring on your finger and expect you to instantly become their maid, cook, nanny, administrative assistant, courier, and sex servant.

    Stupid is defined as doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different outcome. If it is not. Work king maybe change you approach. What are her needs….what does she enjoy…change the environment…leave the kids with friends (not famillyy…no explanation should be necessary)

  22. Scott Box says:

    I have sleep apnea so we sleep in different rooms , bad inlaw issues, took a few punches for the team. I am suppose to be this super Husband, Christian , Father and Worker. Travel far to work daily whilst having other medical challenges , sacrificed for wife to live and study in the same town.
    Had to look the other way when she made stupid mistakes which affected our finances and set us back many years, had to keep my anger and mouth when she caused my son to end up with two skull fractures because of not looking. Then I either get suicide threats or divorce speeches . The serious stuff in my mind I don’t even tell her about but I feel like hurting someone (not her) because of all of this rage inside of me. Then I get blamed for not being affectionate enough or just wanting sex .. Have you thought that is just something a man needs , where is he supposed to go. Am I suppose to say nothing about the small stuff since she can’t even handle the big stuff… Isn’t it the mans job to view the plato and look for danger but then he gets blamed for complaining, it would be unfair complaining if the result/benifit was for him only..

    So its on and off – the sex. I don’t even initiate anymore I just wait my turn , for the bone to be thrown, irrespective of my emotions or how I feel mentally or God forbid physically – I just jump on the saddle when the monthly or bi monthly opportunity comes around.

    Judge me if you must but I have found other methods.
    Masturbation and Fantasy . Its downright sin and if you knew my previous walk with the Lord it would be seen as evil. But I don’t see another option, except for the once and a while nocturnal release.
    I have told my wife and she just laughs, heck I don’t even tell her anymore almost like a silent agreement. So I cheat in my mind.

    I have pondered divorce but being a adultchild of divorce I have told my wife that is not even an option. I told her I am sticking in then at least for our son.

    I have taken so many life punches for her and have sacrificed my own sanity just for her to have a better life and career from the miserable life she had with her leeching parents but when they attacked she could not even defend me properly. So I am the man of the house but can’t say anything even if it is right because it may offend her parents. When my mother is rude to my wife , I set my own mother in her place the very second she uttered ugly words towards my wife.

    I have thought of suicide , hence me googling and ending up on this site. Suicide not because of sex but because I feel that after a man has fought hard against the world his home (wife and children) should be the one place where he gains sanity , gets fed (with love and not judgment) and regains strenght to take more punches because as long as they are ok he is ok , that’s his reward : thankfulness and not attitude. Sex or lovemaking should happen automatically it should not be begged, scheduled or frowned upon or used as a brain washing technique.

    I hear the guys out there , we can’t force them , there are diseases out there.
    We want to be good men. We don’t want to make the mistakes our fathers made. We want our sons to have a legacy of love.

    Just know women, your man faces the world for you . He could give up and just sink deeper into self destruct . But the guy dusts himself of every single day for the team. Men are loyalist in sports and politics and everything in life … We don’t like switching teams and are die hard supporters untill the end. Just your touch does something for him.
    Also know this , most of us men don’t know what true affection is, we just know when we make love we feel that and that’s what we go to every time. Don’t tell us we are dirty when we want to have it with you, does that make you dirty ?

    So I am distancing myself from reality – sad but true. Other Christians and Pastors need my help , they don’t know that I’m broken. You guys don’t know me, I am the guy you go to with your problems , I am the solution finder , know the word, respected my credible people , and here I am struggling with marriage, sex and life. Just wanting my wife to catch the memo.

    Its not God, He is good . Its us , this life and only He can help us.

    Ps .. Don’t do what I do , its my own demons I am fighting. Stay good men , try not to fall into temptation (not saying it won’t come, just saying trying is better)

  23. Arkini says:

    It’s the other way around for me. My husband never wants to have sex. I am so desperate. I tell him every other day I really want to have sex. We are only intimate maybe once a month. He knows how I feel. He just says he’s tired. I’d rather support him financially than not have sex. I am literally to the point I cry because I feel so lonely not being touched. Barely even in a non sexual way. I am young, a former model, so many men want me. Except him. :'(

  24. John says:

    My wife and I haven’t had sexual intercourse since just before our 10th. We’ve been married 38. In the mean time she would rather do role playing to arouse me rather than touch me. We don’t do anything together. I’m not sure why I’m still with her other than I made a promise to God to stay with her in good times and “bad” till death do us part.

  25. Bianka says:

    I guess, I’m one of those women who do not enjoy sex anymore! I was a virgin when we got married, we have kids, being married for 15 years!
    Why women dont enjoy sex??? From my experience…. It’s because of you guys!!!! You only want to satisfy yourselves!
    My husband doesn’t even know where clitoris is, how to touch it and what to do with it! And also too lazy to at least google and read about it.
    How fast do you finish’???? Maybe 2-5 minutes and that’s it? Tou know, after having sex for those few minutes… I don’t even wanna bother anymore, I just know that there is going to be nothing good for me! So, why should I????

    Do you help your women around the house or with kids? Do you complement them about their look? Sex starts not in bed! Sex starts in our heads! We should be open to it! And sometimes you guys put a thick layer of “turn off” on our desireness!!!

  26. Vinnie says:

    What to? Wife had full historectomy, long time ago. Sex has been dead. Oh the suffering. She says if it so bad go find some woman, need I explain further. HELP

  27. kendra moore says:

    Men, If your wife used to like having sex with you and now doesn’t, your sir, are the problem. Expecting a 2 minute sex session from your wife when your horny will begin to make her feel used and make her not want to have sex. Expecting sex from your wife, without ever making love to her, will make her feel you guessed it, used and she won’t want to have sex with you. Having sex with your wife, without taking the proper time to get her in the mood, will eventually lead her to feel used and then…. do you see whereI am going with this. I know men dont lust after there wifes the same as when they first got together. But putting as much effort into her sexual needs as your own (like when you started dating and wanted her to think you were a rock star in bed) is as important to her sex drive as an orgasim is to men. And speaking of orgasims, how many of you men have initiated sex lately with the sole purpose of getting off your lady? All I’m saying is if she won’t sleep with you, make sex more about her needs in bed and less about yours

  28. Tired pregnant mom says:

    Sorry but the reality is that some women go through physical changes that no longer make sex enjoyable. My sex drive dwindled when trying to have our first baby because of stress and scheduling inter course. Then I found out my ovaries were in advanced aging and needed treatment to get pregnant. We had our first child at less than 1% chance naturally. Despite all this stress to me and my body (i also have chronic fatigue) my husband still expected sex weekly which just made me feel guilty. I did it when I felt I needed to for him. Then it was working, nursing a baby… Everyone’s needs but my own. Always. Then the news we couldn’t have another child naturally. To give us another baby I had to use an egg donor. Happily it worked and we’ll have another but despite running after a toddler working full time and being pregnant my husband still just asks weekly for sex. Constantly monitoring if I’m tired isn’t out of concern for me just whether or not he can have sex. I have no sexual desire after my first child. Only discomfort during orgasm and the emotional pain that c despite this loss of sexual desire and constant giving of my body for my family I am still made to feel guilty with his constant asking. Yes I’m glad he desires me but I’m spent. I don’t have anything physical to give
    I cry for the loss of my sex drive, how I force myself to physically get through the responsibilities of each day and still make my family happy. I am the one who is lost in the end. I am expected to just keep giving. Also.. Despite how loving my husband can be even things like mothers day or my birthday aren’t important. Each holiday he will celebrate for our son but because he sees no purpose other than to give hallmark money by buying cards he sees no point. I cook my own mothers day breakfast. I make his and my birthday cake. We share the same birthday so his lack of caring about his own birthday means I’m silly to want to celebrate mine. I don’t really matter. Apparently I’m just a vessel for babies, sex when he wants it… But my feelings. Who cares!

  29. Jason says:

    I have read every ones posts struggles and all , I see wonderful responses primarily from woman .
    I take on my wifes duties from time to time to get a feel of where she is at before I come to any conclusions , it is so important to communicate with our spouses in a non judgmental positive way and tone , both my wife and i have abusive back grounds when were kids , I have a very good perspective on ptsd , rape and how it affects a marriage.
    I have been with my wife for 25 years , both of us have had our share of problems , ongoing kid issues etc….
    Unfortunately all of our problems are unique aside from one “sex” , guys love your wives unconventionally , your wife is equal to yourself in every way treat her as an equal a partner in all you do , put her first in your life .
    Remember your vows both of you made in front of those at your wedding in front of GOD , your wife is a gift not a sex toy .
    Wives right back at you , walk in your husband’s shoes too .
    Guys if your wife is not up to sex ask her for a hand job , blow jobs are nice but not all women like the taste or performing the act , respect their decision. Make dating a priority again .

  30. Eileen Baker says:

    Guys, remember when you first met your wife. It was all about dates and cuddles, you did your best to please her. When was the last time you cuddled her without asking for sex directly after or was interested in pleasing her before sex – or is it all, ‘ wham bam thank you mam”. When my husband and I met we made love. Now we have sex. I try to please him every day, but it is not much fun when it is all give and no take. Are all you guys giving? Or is it all taking? Do you ever take her out any more? Or even create a romantic atmosphere in the bedroom, or is it a bit open up and deliver. You have to work on a marriage and by 25 years you would think any man would understand that occasionally a girl is really not up for it. Forcing those days creates resentment and knocks over into the good days. You end up feeling like a toy and then every day is miserable, even the good ones. Foreplay is not just for before marriage but for afterwards too.

  31. Hatesex says:

    Let me just give a little insight from a victim of child sexual abuse. My father molested me at 12, then left us for good. He stole my childhood and I never recovered. Sure, I get by daily. I am a mom, I work full time, clean, cook, blah blah blah. And then comes my husband. An ass that says I should “forget about it” and “omg, it was a long time ago” and he expects me to just move on and have sex whenever he wants it. I hate sex. It repulses me to no end. It’s disgusting, messy and dirty and I want to vomit every time he brings it up. Sex abuse victims NEVER forget what happened and the memories have a funny way of showing up at the worst times. Why is it adults teach us (as children) that sex isn’t love and that girls equate sex and love, but they shouldn’t? So are we lying to the kids or are men lying to their women by trying to NOW say that sex and marriage and love all go together and that no sex in a marriage is wrong???? After 22 years with the same person, I’m so sick of it. It’s the same thing, same result every time. It’s a joke! Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had some amazing sex, but guess what, it took me taking an over the counter sex pill to enjoy it, oh and alcohol too. And I don’t drink! I do not understand why society has to base everything around sex?! It’s not all that! It’s like taking a drug for a “quick fix”….after the drug (orgasm) has worn off, now what?? Oh, now we go back to fighting, right? I have a husband that I often contemplate filing divorce on but I can’t afford it. No matter how many times I kick him out, he won’t go. Frankly, I could go the rest of my life without sex and not give a damn at all. That’s what vibrators are for. Not to mention I had a hysterectomy 5 months ago and now I REALLY don’t feel anything. Oh, but somehow I must be “faking it” or “making excuses” for not having sex. Every day he makes me die a little more inside. My son graduates HS in 4 1/2 years and I’m outta here when he goes to college. I won’t live with another man EVER again after this. Men only think with their dicks. Millions of girls/women are molested and raped every year, most at the hand of a man! Disgusting!

  32. Jackie says:

    Sex is for men. I am so sick of being used as a science experiment. I’ve done my time. I am a Christian but when we have sex now all I’m doing is watching the clock or playing some mind game just to pass the time. Done my time. Done.

  33. Leo says:

    Ladies, what does a husband have to do (get ready for the caveat) when…he is called by his wife ‘The best husband anyone could have’, someone who loves her and his kids well, such a spiritual pillar for our family BUT still has no problem waiting for a long time before ‘obligatory sex’ takes place?

    One of my big tensions is when the scriptures says “what God puts together, let no man separate”…but can the wife potentially be in a dangerous seat if she knows her husband loves to make love to his wife but the wife shows a pattern of delay, distancing/excuses EVEN THOUGH she has also mentioned that I’m doing quite well (by God’s grace of course) as a loving husband???

    A potentially confused and in danger husband.

  34. D says:

    After we had our second child are sex life began to dewindal. She never initiates sex anymore. Most of the time the excuses are im tired,my head hurts, etc. My kids are always around us with the exception of school in the morning. Even then she still rejects me. My thought on sex in marrage is that its supposed to be a stress reliever for both parties. I am so tired of the sex rejections I feel like finding a relationship somewhere else. Don’t get me wrong I love my wife but I need love. I am a God fearing man and out of respect for God I won’t do it. If I bring up the issue it turns into an argument about me only caring about sex all the time. We really don’t have sex that much at all. Me asking for sex alot is probly confusing her. I feel so alone in our marrage. Is anyone else going through the same thing?

  35. Kathy says:

    Could it be that some women just don’t feel loved and cherished through the act of sex?
    Men’s way of expressing love is through physical intimacy, but often it turns into a performance of sexual arousal, different acts, and orgasm. It’s not about intimacy, it’s about sexual gratification.
    I think, for some women, sex is more work than pleasure.
    That’s why it ends up on the chore list.

  36. Apple Blossom says:

    My husband and I have been married for 15 yrs. We’ve always had a wonderful sex life until the last two years. As work, and kids have become more demanding of my time, my stress level picked up, which in turn my craving for sex increases too. Typically sex reduces my stress level. My husband and I are both in our mid 30’s so you would think he would (still have a good sex drive) care to shower before bed, brush his teeth knowing I’m going to sleep in the nude next to him. I am highly attracted to my husband so naturally when I curl up to him it makes my desire for him greater, but it doesn’t work that way for him. I feel like a sex addict compared to him. I ended up initiating any intimacy between us, which in turn ended in me feeling burt out and not desired. Especially when like I said I have to say ” take a shower and brush your teeth” like I’m his mom instead of him thinking ” I better clean up for her”. It seems like it’s been FOREVER since he’s actually kissed me, and that’s another stress reliever for me. I’ve presented the issue to him several times before and his reply is ” Honey you know I am here and love sex with you, you have to tell me when you need it”. I’m thinking yeah, I have to always be the one who starts it and comes to you for anything more than a peck. You’d think if that man was “so attracted” to me he would need a good kiss at least once a week not twice a month, or would love making love to me once a week. I’ve got to where I’m done with the desire, its a pain in my rear. It makes me feel so unattractive, as if the great sex he claims to get is not what he’s looking for. It’s easier for me to turn off that craving instead of being frustrated every time I get close to him.

  37. Nubia bizness says:

    I think some of the women replying here are totally forgetting the FACT that guys want true intimacy as well. We can’t force you to desire TRUE intimacy nor do we actually want to. No one can force you to actively work on your marriage! This is totally up to the individual. If the both of you are refusing to take the time to consider your marriage work and the person you’ve married then of course it’s going to fail.
    It’s as though so many people go into marriage thinking it’ll just be beautiful forever. Hey, this is not heaven! You have to actively work at it and so many people don’t yet complain. Ha! That’s your own fault.
    It’s just like tending to a garden. It takes work.
    “Oh but little Jonnie had sports practice so I couldn’t even think about the garden!”
    “Oh I had to work today so didn’t even want to consider my spouse!”
    “I had to scream at my kids..”
    From what I see more and more is that a lot people cannot do adult relationships. They’ll bend over backwards for animals and pets. They’ll dictate to and control children… but when it comes to maintaining an adult relationship, they’re freaking clueless and selfish.
    Most people can do their jobs. Most people can maintain a liveable household…. but you’re supposed to that!
    But when it comes to adult relationships – they’re lost because they’re so wrapped up in their own little world. God forbid if you upset that tiny world! Oh no!
    It’s called sacrifice and compromise!!!

  38. Shocked says:

    Wow this has got to be the saddest comments section I have ever read. Why did so many of these women get married to then hold sex over their husbands and starve them?And then if the husband cheats he is wrong and loses everything.I am a Christian but I really have to wonder if this dysfunction that is so prevalent in marriage is God’s plan.Is it so hard for two people to work together to give each other what they need?Compromise and being unselfish.Why pretend that u are going to love the man and then take away what u kno he needs?Thats cruel.Its best u keep to urself and be miserable by urself.Instead u get married to satisfy ur own fairytales endings.Selfish!Men are not perfect but based on these comments women can really be devious too.Thats the side of the story that isn’t told

  39. Jim says:

    Hello, not sure why I am writing. I have basically given up hope of having any kind of sexual relationship with my wife. She hates sex and does not see me as a husband but more like a brother or really close friend. We have been married for 26 years. It has been extremely hard. I know the on,h reason I stay is that I do love her. Second is I have three special needs children who one needs me all the time. We have four. I know that sounds like we had a lot of sex but not true. I know the exact dates of three of them being conceved and with in a day or two of first. Not because a doctor told us, but because we had sex so infrequently that it was easy to remember. Until about 14 years ago we on,y had sex about once every four months. That was because I would get so mad all the time she would give in. Fir eight years in our old house we sleep in two different bedrooms. She moved out I followed her she moved out again to our bedroom. I just stayed in the guest bedroom. I was not going to keep chasing her. When I ask her about that time of course I am blamed for it. After our last child was born which was 13 years ago, she told me she never wanted to have sex with me again and I could find others to have sex with. After a year of nothing with her sleeping mainly on the sofa I got so hurt I did cheat. I did it once. She found d out a year later when I got really sick and was given a large dose of steroids. I have always had problems with them. I lost me mind. My PTSD really kicked in hard. I folded her. She forgave me. Don’t think she really did. However I found out through a friend she had told this person that she wished she had ne Er married me. I have been blamed for everything wrong in her life and our kids lives. She even complained that three weeks after we were married I made her move several states away from her family .

    We have not had sex is over a year and a half. It was a year before that from the last time. Since the birth of our first child she only kisses me maybe twice a year. I can not touch her at all without getting in trouble. We sleep in a king size bed where she places pillows and blankets between us so we do not touch. I have about three feet of space and she has about five not including the blankets.

    I almost never see her nude. I am in constant trouble.

    If I divorced her I would lose my kids, lose my house, lose my vehicles, lose half my retirement, plus pay a big amount for my special needs children,

    I am 100% disabled mainly from my PTSD. I have never hit her or kids. She has slapped me several times.

    Only time she pays attention is when I am really sick and she happens to be home. She will not miss work for three of the four kids or me.

    Like I said. Not sure you can do anything. I wish I could get it fixed.

    When I trying talking to her about it, I get this is the same thing you say all the time. I am trying to do better. That when she rolls over to one go to sleep or two look at Facebook because her friends on Facebook help her through the day.

    One big pet peeve with her is she will quote the Bible to me or her friends from time to time and owns and watches tons of Christian movies. Why I get mad about it? She never applies anything from them.

    Again it is all my fault. Why last doctor I talked to did not want me to leave. He wanted to put me in the hospital. I told him how I feel most days, which is I wish I was dead. My special needs children are getting better at taking care of themselves and really don’t need me around .

    I am here because I think God wants me to still be here to help my kids.

  40. Texas Guy says:

    This entire thread of comments is exhausting. Men blame their wives, women blame their husbands. I’ve been married to my bride for almost 9 years. We have 1 little boy and have a great sex life. That doesn’t mean we have sex every week, though. Sometimes we go a couple weeks without, other times we will go daily for a week or 2. I have a much higher drive than my wife but I learned to pay attention to what she needs and it has helped tremendously. She is a stay-at-home mom and she is touched, poked, grabbed, and held all day long. At the end of the day, she just wants some alone time; no one touching her or talking to her. So what we do is I take over at dinner 100% with the boy. I feed him, bathe him, get him ready for bed, and put him down. This gives my wife a solid 2 hours to be able to relax, it also gives me some quality time with my son; win-win if you ask me.

    Here is what this has done for our intimacy and sex life. We communicate more because she gets time to recharge and relax, I feel great because I was able to give her that time. I’ve found that she initiates sex a lot more since we started doing this. From her own mouth, “I get time to myself to decompress and seeing you take care of our son is a major turn on.” Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of nights when it doesn’t go smoothly. I serve on the HOA Board, Church Board, play in the band at church, and lead a deacon ministry so I’m quite busy and those other meetings cut into the normal routine but because I do it other times, it makes it easier when I cannot.

    My biggest encouragement is to communicate! That doesn’t mean talk, it means listen and pay attention. I noticed my wife needed time to decompress, she didn’t say it; I paid attention and tried something new. Also, don’t put expectations on your spouse. Men, if you check off one of your “honey-do’s”, don’t come in expecting a blow job because you raked the yard. Do it as a service to your wife and home, if you get the blowjob then awesome; if not don’t get frustrated by it.

    Lastly, 99% of all of these complaints would be solved through good ole fashioned communication. Get counseling if you need it, get it even if you don’t! It can help you solve problems before they even arise. You’re in the ruts you’re in because you’re spinning the tires and not getting traction. It’s you’re own fault; do something about it. Rub your wife’s back or feet, if you don’t get sex, do it again the next night and the following and continue doing it. Trust me, she will come around. Stop complaining and blaming someone else for your problems; get help and talk with your spouse and LISTEN!

  41. Robert says:

    We are forgetting simplicity. This life is the veil of tears. This ain’t heaven. It’s a fallen sinful world. The bible wants husbands and wives to be equally committed, equally yolked, and equally willing to give their bodies to one another. I pull my weight in responsibilities with kids and home and all facets in life with my wife. We are an effective team. I love her. We are both damaged. She was molested as a child and so was I. She is guarded and I am a recovering sex addict. I cannot give her the emotional intimacy she deserves and she cannot give me the physical intimacy I need. I don’t want to be unfaithful and we used to talk about this problem but it does not good. I don’t want her to think she failed me. She is amazing and I love her. Been 13 years. Turns out there are herbs that are conservative map is that kill libido in men! Thank God. That natural desire is a curse not a blessing and I just want this nightmare to end. I found a way to cut the sexuality out of me and have been actively doing just that. Guys it works. I’m more patient and a better father and I can go on handling horrible tasks just being a machine without having to let feelings get in the way. I hope this helps those of you who consider taking your own life. Chemical castration from herbs can be reversible. Talk to your doctor before doing anything dumb. Anti depressants have a permanent affect. I’m doing counciling in set to fake emotional intimacy and it’s working too. We are happier and sometimes I still get an opportunity. Just remember God won’t fix everything, he is not a genie. Sometimes we have to suffer, in silence. It’s ok as long as the rest of the family is ok. Just go get help of you want to harm yourselves or others. Try not to cheat (my wife have me permission to but I cannot bring myself to). Here is to hopefully meeting our savior in peace one day.

  42. Carrie says:

    I am weeping reading all of this, and after a resentful ‘encounter’ with my spouse. Sometimes I wonder, ‘WHY do we have to perpetuate the sexual aspect so long after child bearing??’ We are DONE!! It just exhausts me, but yet, I want to continue because it feels like SHOULD but ugh. Really? Same-o? Zzzzzzzz
    There is just so much complexity from a female’s perspective that I couldn’t even scratch the surface. There’s so much. Where do I start? It is another chore- a check-off in the to-do list
    And can I be the first to say
    I HATE being pawed, grouped, squeezed.
    I HATE IT.
    It does NOTHING for me just FYI.

  43. Joe says:

    Carrie, it’s not just women that feel this way. Men do too. I love my wife, but we’ve had our kids. I also feel WE ARE DONE. We are cruising into our 50’s and just like you I feel it’s a check-off on the to-do list. Society claims we should be doing it until we drop dead, but it’s the exact same old thing as it was 30 years ago. Different positions, rooms, locations, etc. Been there, done that so many times over. Frankly now I’m over the mess, the smells, the everything.

    Everybody is different. You want to keep it up going into your 60’s, 70’s or longer? Good for you. It’s your life and if it’s that important for you then great! I’m happy for you. If I want simply don’t enjoy or want it then you should also have that same respect for me.

    I do not see anyplace in the Bible that says I have to have sex 3 or 4 times/week or I’m a sinner. We still do have sex a few times a year. Do I need/want/enjoy it? No. She does, so we do it. Just because it was less than 5 times for the year does not make a me a sinner. I did not think sex was a sport where we keep score.

    I’m not a cold uncaring person. I love and support my wife and kids in everything. I cook, clean, do laundry, coach, volunteer at church, etc. I simply do not enjoy sex or want it. My wife has even told me I’m a better mom than she is! That’s kind of funny really.

    In closing, are you broken, damaged, faulty, wrong or a sinner because you don’t like sex? No. I do not and will not let anybody tell me that. Ever.

  44. A male who is a human being says:

    First for the women: you promised to walk through life in a sexual relationship with someone.
    This statement might seem at first raw, unvarnished, or even crass but I suggest it’s well worth dealing with this as a truth and then thinking through what the relational implications would be.
    If you deprive your spouse of sexual intimacy the Bible refers to it as fraud.
    It’s almost assured that during the lead-up to marriage you personally communicated your intent to enter into sexual union: if you this isn’t true then there’s a really good chance you’re lying now about what you understood at the time. Perhaps you’re even lying to yourself by this time.
    If you’re not convinced, notice when two men or two women marry we refer to this as homosexual (the word sexual is built in, isn’t it?)
    If you’re still not convinced, there’s a chance you expect your husband will NOT have sex with someone else (and you would feel powerfully offended if he did.)
    You promised you would give him affection, desire, sexual companionship and union.
    How would your spouse feel about fraud?
    He’s required to be faithful to you, you’re communicating you have no desire for him and don’t care about your original promises to him (or you claim falsely there were no such promises), and he is now locked into a situation of daily ongoing fraud in which he is damaged every day.
    IF there are problems in relationship, is there any chance that your mate feels that you have committed a fraud?
    Even if he can’t put it in those exact words is it worth exploring whether feelings of fraud are at work in the marriage?

    To the men: in my case .. my wife has lived as a pathological, and compulsive liar, for over 15 years of marriage and actually since early childhood. She “snagged” a husband and it is extremely evident she truly anticipated (pre-meditated) that she would control, manipulate and use the husband as an object as soon as the ceremony was over. It’s also evident that she internally assessed that I would make a good “target,” and she’s exploited my desire to obey God. She routinely attacks me to keep truth out of our conversations. Her behavior patterns have routinely matched up with her being an abusive spouse. The pain and damage to me and other people’s lives is absolutely hideous and I find this course in life nearly unbearable. And she professes to follow Jesus. Wouldn’t mind your prayers.

  45. To Joe and Carrie says:

    To @Carrie and @Joe,
    what is sinful is USING your spouse for genetic material.

    Married girlfriends sit around and say, “I’m not making love because I love him; I’m not making love because I want to be one with him; I’m not giving him authentic affection; I’m not living in physical companionship with him. I want babies and as soon as I get the babies I want I’M DONE WITH HIM.” In other words after she gets what she wants from him she’s dumping him.

    This happens all the time; it’s also totally sinful and totally wrong to USE someone in the way that so many wives do and casually talk about around the coffee shop together as if it’s fine. “Oh, yes, I married him for his social status, his job, and the money and genetic material for my babies. We’ll call it love so long as it keeps the boys deceived, honey, but just don’t say it in front of our husbands.”

    Joe I think you should realize directly that this reply is not talking about slowing down in older age. But even older people can demonstrate a spark for one another.

    Why don’t we have a #MenToo movement in our culture? Probably because most men would be crushed to recognize how bad and how immoral it really is.

    But no, even though it is rampant and called “normal” by some people, I think Christians should not be living in this way. I would offer that Christians should love their husbands and wives, and give to each other the real affection of a man and a woman bound together.

  46. Kris says:

    If my husband wanted to pray with me, explore our spiritual lives, read the Bible with me, and in general act like there were things that were more important than sex it would be different. Sex is not the foundation of marriage. It’s not even the most important part of it. Men need to grow up.

  47. Fiona says:

    Telling women who have little desire for sex that their husbands enjoy sex more when their wives are enjoying it is so unhelpful. I do understand why a man would have a genuine wish to see his wife aroused and climaxing, I do. However, I will never understand why anyone would think it a good idea to use this reason to ‘encourage’ a wife who wants to work on ‘wanting’ sex. When our sex life was at rock bottom, I had to concentrate on the small amounts of pleasure I did get, I couldn’t take on the burden of my husbands pleasure as well. The pressure was too great, he had to be content with the pleasure I did receive. If he had ever told me that he was dissatisfied with me because I didn’t orgasm, or wasn’t enjoying it as much as I should when I was really working on it and trying my best, it would have crushed and defeated me. Please don’t tell women that a husband’s pleasure depends on her pleasure. She can’t be responsible for his satisfaction if she’s having a hard time with her own.

  48. Jargon Lingo says:

    Bottom line, many American women are spoiled.

    If a man gave the same lame excuses for not performing and working as a teammate in home maintenance, household chores, or gainful employment (i.e., HIS end of the bargain), women would go ballistic, and rightfully so. It’s called corresponding logic.

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