sexual intimacy, sexual intimacy struggles, Uncategorized
Tired of Him Wanting Sex? Consider this…
Jul
I know many of the wives who read my blog already have a healthy view of sexual intimacy.
They actually like sex and see the positive difference it makes for them and for their marriage.
My hope is that if you are one of those wives who loves sex, you will courageously share this post with your friends and acquaintances through your social networks.
Here’s why:
We have an opportunity to save marriages.
That sounds so drastic. I know.
But I regularly receive emails from husbands — CHRISTIAN husbands — who are so exasperated and discouraged about the lack of sexual intimacy in their marriages, they are actually considering divorce. True story. Every week, I receive emails of that nature.
And their wives have no clue.
So, basic math would tell me that same dynamic exists in numerous Christian households. Likely it exists within the marriages of some of your friends, acquaintances, co-workers, neighbors, Bible study pals and so forth.
I can’t reach all those marriages (or even a portion of them), at least not without your help. Please consider sharing this message with them (and with yourself, if any of the below resonates with you…)
If you as a wife are tired of your husband wanting sex, consider this…
1. The simple fact this is a struggle between you and your husband shows that it is indeed a struggle.
In other words, is ignoring the situation or expecting him to lighten up about it helping anything? Seriously… is it?
Or is it only causing more division, frustration and discord? And if he has stopped asking or bringing the matter up, honestly that’s more cause for alarm, in my opinion.
This is the person you willingly VOWED to honor, respect and love as God defines marital love.
That kind of love… the Godly sort of love in marriage… includes sex, particularly sex that is mutually nurtured and valued.
Think I’m crazy? Try this… humbly, authentically and courageously ask your husband this question:
“When we make love and I genuinely enjoy that time with you, what does that do for you? How does it make you feel?”
If you rarely or never enjoy sex or initiate, you could ask this question:
“How has it made you feel that I don’t show much interest in sex in our marriage?”
Ask him to respond honestly (and don’t attack him for his answer).
Pray and ponder about his response in light of your ability to make the marriage stronger and healthier. After all, he can’t legitimately go get sex elsewhere (and I don’t think you really want him to, right?)
You’re it when it comes to satisfying his godly sexual desires.
If the comments and emails tell me anything, your husband is probably like most husbands. He wants his wife. Not because he just wants sex, but because he genuinely wants to bond sexually, emotionally and spiritually with the woman he married.
You. He wants you.
2. If you have past issues with sex, could it help your marriage if you found healing in those areas?
I know the prevalance of sexual abuse is high among women. Statistics vary, but the most common one says about 1 in 8 women have at some point been sexually abused. Some statistics place the figure closer to 1 in 5.
If you were sexually abused and that abuse is still wreaking havoc on you being able to enjoy sex with your husband in the right context of marriage, please seek help. Please.
You are worth it. Your husband is worth it. Your marriage is worth it.
If your past issues are of your own doing, such as promiscuity before marriage, and you associate all sex with being sinful, you are believing a lie.
Sex outside of marriage certainly is not God’s design, but there is no reason to let your past promiscuity (or your spouse’s) to continue to rob you.
If your past issues are that some well-meaning Christians gave you completely messed up teachings about sex, forgive them and move on to healthier teachings. Seriously. Move. On.
There are many of you reading this who were always told sex is gross, wrong or just your “duty” as a wife. Absent from these types of teachings from your church or Christian adults in your life was the TRUTH… that sex is good, holy and right in marriage. It certainly goes way beyond mere duty, at least if we are paying attention to God’s take on the matter.
God designed orgasm and pleasure for BOTH a husband and a wife.
God talks extensively about sex in His Word, and whenever He talks about it in the context of marriage, He speaks of it positively.
3. Sex isn’t just for him.
There’s a lot of irony going on in marriages where sex is a struggle.
Usually, the picture goes like this…
A husband badgers his wife for sex. She gives in, does it and checks it off her list until the next time he bugs her about doing it again.
Rinse. Repeat.
She doesn’t really find much pleasure in sex, but “oh well” she thinks to herself. “At least he is sexually satisfied for now and will leave me alone for awhile.”
So where’s the irony? Well, by you not really enjoying sex, you are robbing BOTH of you. Orgasm and genuinely being present during lovemaking so you can appreciate it really is quite good for you. Your pleasure matters.
And when you experience pleasure, your husband enjoys sex more. You being sexually fulfilled makes his sexual experience better.
If you are tired of your husband wanting sex and you think everything would be fabulous if he just stopped wanting it, I encourage you to humbly dig into that a bit.
Would it really be better and healthier if the man who loves you and is building a life with you decided sex just isn’t worth the effort anymore?
Copyright 2013, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage blog.
AMEN!!!!!!!!! Preach it sister! 😀 [standing on her chair and loudly clapping]
I’m sharing this! Excellent thoughts so tactfully conveyed. Thanks, Julie!
yoh!!!thank you for this,i think u were talking to me.
Some people simply should not be married. They are perpetrating a fraud on everyone, especially their husbands.
A very good and thoughtful polemic for why Christian marriages should include a good healthy dose of sex. It saddens me the number of men, in the church. whom I talk with that tell me how their sex is almost no existent.
You are right, sharing this article with people will help to save marriages!!
This is fabulous Julie, coming from a husband who’s wife does enjoy our sexual togetherness, I thank the Lord everyday for my her and her love for me. I am working on a couples group starting in the fall and will use this as one of the handouts, ouch I expect it will burn a few who read it. Go god and restore Christ centered marriages!
Wow, such coming down on women, from women. Wow! I expect the men to be ugly, but women being catty to women?? So typical .
Thanks so much, this is an excellent article, all married people should read it and act accordingly. But why has my church never preached about the proper roles of husbands and wives, in the 11 years i have been there ? My wife refuses to attend any church in the same time.
Just 2 days ago my wife told me boldly “Sex is not a part of marriage…..” This statement reminds me of the verse “….and the foolish woman tears down her house, with her own hands.”
Over the years I have thought about adultery and even divorce, but it seemed the consequences would be even worse than the present situation, and I could not live without my child. My mom broke up our family when I was age 9; as I remember my Dad worked long hours to support us all, maybe he did not give her enough emotional support.
Thank you for your post and your website. Living in a sexless but otherwise happy marriage, it is difficult at times and this site provides encouragement.
Thank you for sharing your perspective. I hope your message reaches your audience. I just want to point out that husbands have a responsibility to satisfy their wives emotional needs as well. Husbands need to give their wives the support they need to allow themselves to open up to their husbands.
Speaking as a husband who’s wife fits into this category, I couldn’t agree more. I would LOVE it if my wife asked me these questions. The most difficult part about this is, I have sent links to articles like this in the past, and all it does is push her away even more. She’s embarrassed to admit to her girlfriends on any level she has only a passing interest in sexual intimacy too.
I know I’m not perfect and I have worked vigorously to pray for her (and myself) and that our hearts would soften toward each other and our sexual relationship, but after 12+ years of this, I’m at my wit’s end here. It would mean the world to me if she took to heart anything that was written about this topic, because it’s killing me inside.
I want sex not just for me, but I want it for her too. I desire it to be what God intended. It is deflating as a husband to see her get nothing out of it when it becomes a duty for her. It’s also deflating that even when she is in the mood, I get zero foreplay and she’s anxious to rush through it and get it over with.
Any tips from women who’ve been in this situation previously with their high desire husbands and what happened for you that made the difference?
“Would it really be better and healthier if the man who loves you and is building a life with you decided sex just isn’t worth the effort anymore?”
Well Julie in the last day or two I’ve decided after 7 months of hard prayer, changing myself, trying to live a holy life, yelling, getting depressed, lying on the floor screaming out to God, that I’m gonna stop asking my wife for sex, intimacy, and stop hoping for it. No one seems to be interested in offering advice. Everyone lives in this dream land where husbands and wives tiptoe through the meadows saying how much they want to improve their marriages; not mine. My wife won’t do anything until it’s too late. But I’m too soft to get up and leave my her, because I actually do love her. To me it seems like God wants to see how far I can go in a point of psychosis before He delivers me. So really I’m only gonna keep praying because Jesus said not to give up, and if God really cares about intimacy in my marriage, He will have to do a mind and body-changing trick in my wife to make it happen.
And no, my wife won’t go to counselling, and no I can’t afford it. You know what? Knowing that someone actually cared and would proactively pray would mean the world. Until then, nothing will change, looks like I’m going down in this depressive spiral until something does change. I don’t underestimate God’s power. I do question whether He actually will do a mind trick or whether my wife will actually respond.
K
I remember in Psychology 101, the electro-shock experiement with mice. The mice were shocked every time they went for food and quickly gave up and died from starvation. Rejection works like a electrical shock. It hurt to much to iniate and I don’t see the worth in the romance and tenderness the procedes.
I remember in Psychology 101, the electro-shock experiement with mice. The mice were shocked every time they went for food and quickly gave up and died from starvation. Rejection works like a electrical shock. It hurt to much to initiate and I don’t see the worth in the romance and tenderness the procedes.
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To the men who are unhappy with their wives lack of sexual interest/intimacy….
What have you done or did you do to facilitate this?
I know for me, it is my husband’s lack of kindness and inability to actually apologize when he KNOWS he is wrong that has me looking for a full time job so I can leave.
12 years and promises of change have left me dry. I have nothing left to give him.
You know what gets me the most agitated? His pretending to be a Christian… going to church, reading his Bible, and having others believe what a wonderful husband and provider he is…
:: rolls eyes:::
My question… Are you in private at home like you personify to the public?
Have you broken a promise and now she can’t trust you?
If you don’t have trust in other areas, how can she trust herself to you sexually?
I don’t think it is all one sided guys…
Here’s what I tell Christian women: consider that every time you push your husband away from the sex he deserves ONLY FROM YOU, you give him permission to satisfy himself elsewhere. I don’t care if that’s an affair, phone sex, pornography or even just dreaming about a co-worker. You told him NOT WITH ME, PAL. If more women realized how their behavior pushes even good men to bad decisions, they wouldn’t dare act the way they do.
@Mary: I absolutely agree, any man wanting sex from any woman should be as pleasant, clean and trustworthy as possible. Who wants to kiss a person who curses and has bad breath? I don’t!
Having said that, you owe your husband an opportunity to change before you leave him. A confrontation, perhaps an ultimatum, is in order. You’re talking about leaving him anyway, so an intervention has nothing to expect but an improvement. Tell him the parts of his personality that offend you and are causing you to consider departure. Tell him changes are necessary soon, otherwise a separation is going to happen. I wish you the best, I truly do.
I answered every sexual need my husband had for 20 years- all the while praying he’d stop hitting and humiliating me..
He destroyed my self worth, ridiculed me, badgered until I let him do things that hurt and never stopped him- I became more and more submissive.
After 30 years I grew a pair and left him- I never want a man to touch me again.
@A sexual abuse victim… you were completely right to leave him. He abused you and when he started those sins, he had at that point “left” the marriage. He betrayed the Lord and the marriage vows. God doesn’t want anyone to stay in the line of abuse.
I’m saddened and heartbroken this was your experience. While I know that not all men are this way, I can see why after all you went through that you feel the way you do.
I pray God brings healing to you in the deepest wounds and that He reveals the TRUTH that your husband worked so hard to crush. The truth is you are beautiful, you are sacred, you are enough, and you are deeply loved by the Lord.
@DMJ: It’s time in INSIST your wife start acting like a wife, and not a roommate. Do not waste another moment of your life waiting for her to decide to be a wife with all the benefits of a wife, while you have none of the benefits of being a husband. Give an ultimatum, set a date for resolution, then move forward based upon her decision. If you do not do this now, you’ll merely leave another sad comment saying “it’s been 25 years of a sexless marriage”.
I read this stuff and I want to cry. Stuck in a sexless, intimacy-less marriage, and I am not the one who is choosing it. And, like most feminized, unsubmissive, rebellious wives in our “liberated” society, and just like the previous poster Mary, my wife chooses to blame me for the reason I am never touched by her, never spoken reverentially to by her, and virtually never “granted ” the “privilege” of sex with her.
Oh God how I cry out for a submissive, reverential wife. Whatever are my faults, she almost could mold me into whatever image she wanted to, if she behaved scripturally like that.
No wonder there’s a market for Russian and Asian brides in the US.
Julie;
I read your article and all the reader’s comments, and I am for sure in a marriage where being intimate for my wife is a duty, and I often tell he she prefers to scrub the floor than to be intimate with me. I don’t believe she has initiated sex once in the past 10 years of our 21 year marriage. We have two wonderful children, our son is away at school and our daughter is in H.S. soon going to college out of state. I’m concerned that when we have an empty nest that her lack of desire will continue, as it is now. She does have hormone issues but is not willing to talk to her Dr. about, and has turned down multiple suggestions over the past 10 years for a marriage retreat. My wife prefers sleep or TV over being intimate with me yet my sexual desire is at a very high level. I know leaving her is not an option but what can I do?
Thanks, from a very sexually frustrated husband.
@EMF… I’m sorry for what you are going through. Your story echoes what I hear from many husbands (and some wives who are sexually refused).
Tell your wife how it makes you feel when she refuses to invest any effort into intimacy. Tell her that it is not just about sex, but it’s about wanting to feel close and connected (emotionally, spiritually and physically) to the woman he married. Tell her your concerns about the empty nest and about the two of you needing more than a marriage that just exists, but one that is strong and healthy. Sex is a part of that.
If she still doesn’t take your concerns seriously and make valid attempts at changing unhealthy patterns, then suggest the two of you go to counseling. If she refuses, go on your own. THis will not only give you the insights of a Christian counselor on how you should navigate this situation, but also will demonstrate to your wife that you are serious about doing all you can to strengthen the marriage.
I also encourage people in your situation to have at least 2-3 Christian confidantes with whom you can pray, be real, receive godly counsel, etc. Men should have male confidantes and women should have women confidantes. Try to find at least 2 brothers in Christ who will not judge your wife, but will pray for your marriage, listen in confidence, etc.
I wish I had easier answers to these situations. They are heartbreaking when one person doesn’t want to change.
I’m so sorry…
Great article. If I had more strength, I would show it to my wife. However, she would dismiss it and make me feel worthless and sleazy for wanting sex. We have kids. I stay married for them.
I wonder if many wives feel as I do–knowing their husband wants/needs/enjoys sex and that it encourages him emotionally as well as satisfies him physically–but DO NOT know that he wants HER, not just sex. I have been struggling with this for weeks and found it very helpful to see these words on your post:
“If the comments and emails tell me anything, your husband is probably like most husbands. He wants his wife. Not because he just wants sex, but because he genuinely wants to bond sexually, emotionally and spiritually with the woman he married. You. He wants you.”
I would urge husbands to find ways to communicate this to their wives. I take good care of myself and receive a lot of compliments on my appearance from others, but very few from my husband. It is difficult for me to believe that he desires ME.
I am committed to being responsive and doing my best to please him. Still, a nagging little voice keeps telling me I’ll never be enough.
This is a process and a journey. I wish you all well!
How can a wife know her husband is not fantasizing about other women during sex?
@Reba… although none of us can really know what another person is thinking at any given time, if there is a level of trust between a husband and wife and open communication and they both value the marriage, then I think a husband and wife can feel assured that the other person isn’t thinking about someone else.
If you are concerned, though, you may want to ask your husband.
Also, if either a husband or wife has trouble focusing on their spouse during sex, I suggest having sex with some light on in the room, and encourage the spouses to keep their eyes open most of the time and talk as much as possible during lovemaking. This way, a husband and wife will more readily connect “sex” with “the spouse.” Does that make sense?
Hope this is helpful…
If it weren’t for kids I’d probably have left long ago. Once you give her the kids she wants, she knows she’ll never have to have sex with you and that you, as a good Christian father, will not leave because of the effect it would have on your kids. Perfect situation for here, misery for you. Welcome to marriage.
It is really sad in the word today when it comes to this topic of Men wanting more sex from their wives. While NOT trying to approve up their life styles, Why are prostitutes are looked down for what they do? (AND their being with many men for money or other favors IS wrong).
CERTAINLY if prostitution is wrong, bad, and disgusting in God’s eyes…then so must be the Healtly Married woman who DOES NOT share regularly in the joys of Love making and sexual expression with her rightful Husband.
Just think the Demon angels ‘defied’ God and came down to have relations with the daughters of men back in Noah’s day. For they had No Right to do so. Yet, who those say demon angels must laugh at us Married Humans who have every Right to enjoy Sexual relations with our mates yet don’t.
It truly “Seems” like the only people enjoying Sexual relations (often) in today’s time is those with NO real right to do so – Single people. One Christian man once told me that today “wives only care about sex when You are having it with someone else.”
This is truly a shame. I do pray that God’s Kingdom will solve is problem soon.
Great article, speaks exactly to the situation that I have found myself after 8 to 9 years of a sexless marriage. I have reached the point at which it is simply not worth the effort. Our marriage has become more of a roommate relationship. I am at the point of exasperation. My 78 year old father was complaining about the cost of Viagra, my reply was ” you’re breaking my heart”. We have attempted counciling with our pastor, however any topic that is brought up is somehow viewed by my wife as a personal assault and she shuts down. I have found myself considering divorce more frequently. I have asked myself ” Is it better to be in a bad marriage or to have been in one”. I have nearly reached the limit of my understanding as well as tolerance.
Somebody has got to tell the truth and stop holding back and worrying about whether or not husbands get mad or whether their fragile egos get hurt. My biggest concern is to help you all know and recognize the truth and begin to work out your issues with your women/wives, so that you can get sexual satisfaction and your wives can get sexual satisfaction too. Because men, right now, truth is, that many wives hate sex with the way marriage is set up. Exhaustion and no romance and forplay all the time is what it takes for many wives. That’s why she used to like it, but hates it now. You used to fo all that to her and she was not exhausted with all the stuff you and society expect her to do.
She was not pretending to like sex, and she was not trying to trick you. She wants to have some orgasms like you do, but what woman on this earth wants to put her body in a certain positions for a man, when gets all the release and she gets gnat crumbs and nothing???? Sex is not fun for us when we are exhausted have a lot of responsibilities and you are no longer affectionate and give us foreplay. It is as simple as that. Sexual positions are so awkward for women to get in, you all just want to thrust
So men, do not criticize or blame women for being the way they are. It is the same way that you all do not like to do things that wives like and you do not want wives to try to change you either, do you? So stop scolding women and understand women’s sexual makeup and you all can turn this around. I know and have proof. Begin by thinking about how many men, go to work everyday and then come home and sit in front of the tv and wait for dinner. Some of your wives work outside of the home too, but anyway men, you have got to put your self in your wives shoes and stop for a minute and watch her in action everyday. Follow her around the house with pencil and pad, and write down every move, bend, reach, twist, turn, she makes. Continue to watch her sweep, mop, clean windows, counter top, wipes spills, carry around the babies, help with homework, clean the tub, vacuums, dust, organize, washes clothes, dries clothes, folds clothes, puts clothes away, talks to her mother, entertains your mother, plans, schedules, plans holidays, shops for wedding gifts, get shower gifts, makes holiday meals, makes costumes, packs suitcases, talks and helps the daughters with girl stuff, takes care of her own female needs, carries the baby, goes thorugh her monthly cycle, fixes formula, washes her hair, changes bed linen, washes dishes, and the lists goes, on. And please do not say you help out.
Finally at the end of the day she falls into bed without showering because she is too exhausted, and then you wake her at 5:00 am with a groan and grab and you expect her to get aroused with that cave man behavior. Remember now, a woman does not need release, she does needs sleep more. She gets orgasms in her sleep, really.
Your closing question is a poignant one: “Would it really be better and healthier if the man who loves you and is building a life with you decided sex just isn’t worth the effort anymore?”
Perhaps some wives may like to consider one step further: “Would it really be better and healthier if the man who loves you and is building a life with you decided sex WITH YOU just isn’t worth the effort anymore?”
Are the husbands taking care of their bodies (staying physically fit as well as hygienic) so their wives will actually want to have sex with them? If you don’t act like you care for your own body, it’s hard to get your spouse excited by it. Just a thought.
After my husband cheated on me with multiple woman over an over again I just don’t feel the same way so since we are on a Christian note what do us woman do then with this an I gave my husband sex all day an he still we t out cheated an came back to sleep with me after another woman
After 16 years with about 80 different men, 25 I met personally, and the last time, nothing but contemptuous “So? I slept with another guy. It’s the way I am. What are you going to do about it?”
Do what I did: Divorce. You have scriptural grounds. Keep your head in the sand as I did if you want, or live with the fact it will continue. Please get regular STD tests whatever you do.
Is it possible he will change? With God *anything* is possible. Had my ex shown any remorse, or even any sense of decency that last time, I know I would have given it *one more try*. But Jehovah can harden a heart if he needs to just as much as soften one. You will need to pray for insight. But do not have any more sexual relations with him unless you are willing to forgive him. And if you do forgive him, you shouldn’t hold this over his head–that’s hard not to do.
Prayers to you.
Last 2 female comments are the truth. I can’t have sex with my husband just because I’m thinking his going to cheat, I really don’t have any problem with that has far as he dose not bother me. I’m tired of laying on the bed like I’m a piece of wood
I thank God every day that I am not married and do not have to deal with the BS of men’s “needs.” No, I am not gay; I have had more than my share of men, enough to know that I am blessed beyond measure to have never given myself over to being legally enslaved via the institution of marriage!
If only sex were that simple.
Before I reached High School I had been molested (not raped) by an older family member, asked to have sex with a boy in school and have it filmed ( declined that wonderful offer), had a man jump from the bushes exhibition style and scare me to death, had my best friend raped by a friend of ours, was stalked by a stranger who would show up at school or on the street and offer me a ride home, had a classmate abducted, raped, and murdered. All of this in a quiet suburban neighbor hood and all during very impressionable developmental years.
Needless to say, I don’t have a very high regard for the male sex drive. It can be very destructive.
Yet, I’m the one who needs therapy to over come my aversion so the man in my life can have a satisfying sex life?
Sorry, if it weren’t for the male sex drive, I wouldn’t be in this position at all.
Funny, how the only time taking “intercourse” off the table is mentioned is when the man has become impotent and sex is physically not possible.
Well, sometimes sex is mentally not possible too.
Why is it always the women who has to do everything in her power to find a way to enjoy sex? Why can’t the husband ever be the one to try other forms of intimacy to make it easier on those of us who have already been scarred by the male sex drive?
Do men have any idea what girls go through and how their ideas of men have developed from an early age until marriage? And I’m talking about learning these things from boys and men themselves.
Sex isn’t always that easy and most of the time we are doing the best that we can.
I found this article a good read. We have been married for 3 years now and have a 16mth old girl.
My wife really doesnt show any intimacy during sex and its so frustraiting. Often if i ask for sex or just show and indication i want to have sex she gets uptight OR she will just “let me do it” which i hate. It releases me but after i just feel bad and a bit angry feeling i have used her.
She went crazy when she was younger partying (she was brought up in a very conservative family and had no idea about boys or alcahol) and had different sexual partners before meeting me.
When we met we were both christians and she regrets her past and i believe that is what has hurt our marriage.
I was a virgin when we met and unfortunately a few months before we got married we gave in to temptation and had sex and i hate to say it but i believe it was better then any sex we have had while being married. Its like once we were married (even on our wedding night) sex to her was almost like “duty” she was unable to get “ready down there” but a few times we had some wine which loosened her up and she was more “open” to initiate things which was wonderful but then i just felt bad thinking she needed alcahol in order to be open with her husband. Oh when we were ready to try for a baby she was happy to have sex, which was great because it look 6 monthd.. but no foreplay ot anything, just get the job done.
Im very sexual.. maybe its because i waited (wanted to wait) for marriage so i dont have any sexual baggage and just want to enjoy it with my spouce.
My parents always tought me how waiting for marriage would make it so much better but i never felt like this when i was single knowing i have the amazingly attractive beautiful person who I want to spend my life with show no interest.
We do bicker a sometimes but mainly when we are tired. Im a very relaxed (NOT laxy) guy, as long as we are able to pay bills and raise our daughter well the minkr details dont bother me. I just want whats best within our means for our family.
I know her full time mum job is tireing and i do all i can for her when i get gome from work so she can relax, but her relax time never involves me and i feel rejected. Just once i wish she would greet me at the door with a smile and a hug (kiss seems too wishful) and not an emediate “what did you eat for lunch today” or “why do you always want to kiss me (when i walk over for a kiss)
I think her perception of marriage is crap. And i think it’s because of her parents. I have never once seen them hug, hold hands or kiss or anything. They even sleep in different beds becaude her mum has back problems and he snores.
My parents on the other hand are always affectionate holding hand while walking and kissing and whenever they are together watching tv or whatnot always touching in some way (married for like 45 years now)
Rant over.
A husband who wants more.
its a cultural expectation to be perfect mothers and have a perfect home a perfect job etc – that’s how that ‘to do’ list grows with the relationship ending up near or at the bottom. it comes down to your view of sex in marriage and if you value and love yourself just as you are, that’s how you love others, woman tend to be harder on themselves and living up to a Barbie doll perception of the modern woman is dragging us all down. Give her the room to really learn to love herself for all her imperfections and flaws. Stop blaming the wife! Just having sex won’t fix it it’s deeper than that – It takes two! It’s not that the wife does not want sex, and it’s not just the husband removing himself from making that emotional connection. How many wives would refuse sex after an intense foot rub at the end of a hectic day? All the halcyon days from the honeymoon period have disappeared. So it’s up to the couple to be able to communicate, to stay fit and healthy, to be there for each other not just to do their part punch out from the marriage time clock because they aren’t happy and seek it somewhere else. They aren’t taking time together, he’s to involved with his job the guys etc she’s to involved in raising kids trying to take care of every one else’s needs – who has any energy for sex. Blaming, assumptions, jealousy all kinds of negative emotions erupt from this. And depending on the level of risk each are willing to take well that’s where the meaningless sex and affairs happen. Marriage is about renewal and change and love and MAINLY COMMITMENT – ITS NOT TIL WHATEVER DO US PART. You aren’t meeting my needs so time for divorce Or lusting after a co worker or an affair or whatever – if it’s gonna work both have to stay committed to one another and weather these storms so when they look back At what happened they will be proud and not ashamed and full of regret that they weren’t there for each other no matter what they went through. Helping a wife or husband who is denying themselves the enjoyment of sex is really teaching them how to really love themselves just as they are – and knowing that they deserve that love and the enjoyment that having sex gives. Don’t give up – find a way to do the work to be happily married.
Stop blaming the women – most men are emotionally immature and think because they want sex they don’t have to put any effort into creating a positive environment where sex will happen. A Deep spiritual connection, being open and transparent about all your thoughts and fears are what each other is there for it is why we get married Men are taught not to cry to shoulder the financial burden alone to be strong not ask for help – which is what is closing the door on the whole idea of “the two shall become one” a team – not separate but together! Both male and female have just as big a role in creating happiness and love. This article is blaming women, it’s never one persons fault or responsibility Grow up.
Wow….this article really hit home. I am not alone. I’ll take some comfort in that.
Dear Beenthere:
You wrote: “most men are emotionally immature and think because they want sex they don’t have to put any effort into creating a positive environment where sex will happen.”
What is your evidence to support this claim?
Are you suggesting that the majority of men who have commented are simply immature, and “haven’t put any effort into creating a positive environment where sex will happen.”?
What many men cannot fathom is how the woman they loved and gave their life over to can turn into a cold gatekeeper who has seized the power to ensure his sexual unhappiness for not just decades but the rest of his life on earth, knowing full well he has zero alternatives!
What do you say to the husbands who have tried 500 different ways to “create a positive environment where sex will happen” only to be denied on all fronts, criticized, and even ridiculed? What magic formula did they miss?
Please teach us, and I’m sure the problem will magically disappear. I’m all ears.
@Beenthere:
You raise an important point. I think there is a flawed conception in the US of what being a man is. In other words, I don’t buy into the view of masculinity that tells us men that we are not acting like a man if we show sorrow or admit to any weakness or fears. If I shed tears at the funeral of a loved one, does that make me less of a man? I think not. (As well, I think we do a poor job raising our daughters in this country, but parenting is not the current topic.)
As you say “it’s never one person’s fault” – yes, but in some relationships it can be more one person’s fault than the other person’s. Let’s be honest – there are marriages where the wife needs to make some changes. I do not think Julie is blaming women but rather challenging women to be honest with themselves if they are withholding sexual intimacy from their husband.
I know the devil fights marriage and will destroy it any way he can. I have been a wife for one year and love to be intimate with my husband. We both waited for marriage, yet I’ve been so disappointed. We have never made love as often as I wanted, not even on our honeymoon. I have asked repeatedly, I keep myself clean and attractive, watch my weight, and receive many compliments from others. But I feel so ugly and rejected by my husband. I have quit asking, and we have only made love 3 times in the past 3 months. I feel so disillusioned about marriage. That was our first year…it usually gets worse, right?
It does sadly. I’m a male. But our story is the same. I can get just about any woman I want. And yet, my marriage is sexless. Long story but she is the only woman to ever not want constant (or any) sex with me. I can bring great spiritual pleasure to a woman’s life like you would not believe. But she just wants to be hum drum old boring people. I can’t take it anymore! I wasted my best years for nothing. Don’t waste yours! I wish you all the luck!
I meant to say 23 of my best years wasted. Gone. I hope you use yours more wisely than I. Loneliness in a relationship is horrible.
I love my husband more than anything in the world but I am tired of him never ‘getting enough.’ We have GREAT sex and then within 24 hours he’s hinting, teasing, badgering, initiating again. I am getting to the point where I am just ANNOYED each time he approaches the subject. We have sex about 2 or 3 times a week and he makes it wonderful and I respond so. He’s very caring and focused and not selfish in bed at all. If he would just lay off for a few days and not pout. We have been married 11 years and he only gets more pestering then tries to make feel guilty. “Isn’t it just horrible that your husband wants you all the time?!” is what he says. He seriously is exhausting me and I look forward to the days he travels so I can have a break but then he calls and wants sex talk on the phone. Any mention of me wanting him to take it down a notch he gets offended and very angry. I DON’T want my husband to go in search of comfort outside our marriage but I don’t know any woman who would want it this much. He never gives me time to initiate or even miss the intimacy. I don’t know what to do. I’ve even told him my OBGYN says I am rare in that we do it as much as we do, but he still complains. I’ve even taken to getting hormone replacement therapy at his suggestion. I am resenting him NOT listening to me and just leaving me alone and being romantic without the physical HAVING to be a part of it. I love him desperately and don’t want to hurt him but I’m angry. We laugh, share everything and have a wonderful life it is just this one thing that ruins everything. I am actually praying that the Lord will take away his desire. He is an honest, professional, well-respected man and a Christian. I have everything I want except him wanting sex all the time. It is so sad.