5 Dangers of Regularly Saying “No” to Sex

Is it dangerous to deny your husband sex?  I personally believe it can be…

Here are 5 Dangers of Regularly Saying “No” to Sex:

1. You compromise your marriage vows — and possibly your marriage itself.

Long ago, in my first marriage, as my husband was walking out on our life, I was somewhat shocked to discover that he had been drawn to another woman.  But as the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20.

I see clearer now what I did not comprehend then.

If the raw pain of my divorce taught me anything it’s that sex cannot be taken for granted in a marriage.  A thousand “could-haves, should-haves, would-haves” cannot begin to express the regret I have that we did not address the sexual struggles in our marriage.

I know what some of you are thinking.  “Well, my husband would never cheat. He would never leave.”   That may be true.

But the flip side is he may hate staying.

Though his heart, hands and feet may not wander to other beds, his eyes and thoughts easily could.  I hear from husbands all the time who…

…hate the situation they are in.

…hate the desperate loneliness of constant sexual rejection.

…hate feeling trapped by Christian morals they have grown to resent.

I’m not saying there is justification in adultery or walking out the door because of sexual apathy. What I’m saying is that if you regularly deny sex to your husband, you are indeed compromising your marriage vows and making your marriage more vulnerable to attack.

I should know. I have been there. And I have done that.

2. You buddy-up to Satan.

Satan’s go-to method is division.  He knows that sexual intimacy is an incredibly bonding force created by the Lord to strengthen married couples and endear them to one another.

Obviously, Satan doesn’t want you endeared or strengthened or bonded to the very person with whom you have a covenant relationship.

When you disregard sex, you give Satan one more firm foothold on which to stand as he relentlessly seeks to cause division in your marriage.  Seriously.  That’s what is going on. If this is news to you, I pray that big red “Danger” signs are flashing in your mind right now.

I pray too that the harshness of those realities does not shame you or guilt you to your knees, but humbly brings you surrendered to your knees.

Ask the Lord to help you reclaim the ground in your marriage that has been given to Satan… especially any ground that you gave to him.

3. You hurt the person you love.

You do love him, right?

Well, if he is like most husbands, one of the ways he best receives that love is when you regularly enjoy sex with him. It’s not the only way he receives love, but if you were to ask him, “Do you feel loved by me when I’m enthusiastic about sex?  What does it mean to you when I make sex a priority?” — what would he say?

Be brave. Go ask him.  Doing so may stop you from the danger of hurting the person you love.

4. You ignore time-tested wisdom of nearly every marriage counselor.

The very people who make their living from listening to distraught couples in desperately broken places would tell you that when sex is ignored in a marriage, danger is lurking just around the corner.

Counselors become intimately aware of the costs that are paid when a husband or wife has forsaken their marriage bed, whether it be to another lover or simply to selfish or careless neglect.

5. You tell God that He must be wrong.

At its core, this is possibly the most devastating danger of regularly saying “no” to sex.  It grieves God’s heart.

Dig deep into God’s Word and it becomes abundantly clear the precious value He puts on sex in marriage, as well as the agonizing consequences when a married couple mishandles or ignores it.  Whenever he speaks of marriage, including sexual intimacy, He longs for us to understand its significance.

Through a lot of soul searching and humble reflection, I know that long ago I had a hand in putting my first marriage in danger.  While sex was not the only contributing factor, I’d be foolish to not recognize the role it played.

My heart is that you see the dangers of regularly saying “no” to sex before you find yourself looking back on similar regrets.

Copyright 2012, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

180 thoughts on “5 Dangers of Regularly Saying “No” to Sex

  1. Jacob says:

    Sucks, especially when you joke about playing toys and she gets excited then a few mins later you initiate sex and she says boldly no. I’d cut my penis off and lay it beside her if I wouldn’t bleed to death, I don’t want anyone else ever, but I’m begging to hate myself

  2. Len H says:

    It’s sad that church congregations aren’t mature enough or enough faith God would want this taught and taken to heart. I’ve heard that money, or family stress, or ? is the big causes of divorce. I think if a couple put in the effort need to keep themselves romantically and sexually connected it will help make them strong in love and faith to go thru life’s issues with the leading of the Lord. When you are not connected so much continues to separate you even more. Death of marriage thru being strangers, on different planets…..Makes ? happy.

  3. Carltom says:

    My wife says she just doesn’t have the time
    Because we have 3 kids. She doesn’t have the time but she falls asleep on the couch
    At least 3 times a week! She blames it on our mattress but I am so frustrated I feel lost!

  4. Trevor W says:

    My fiancee and I have only been intimate 7 times in the last 7 months. Now, school is kicking right in the arse, so that could have a hand…but still, I feel hurt and rejected ALL THE TIME, I have no confidence left. She teases alot then never follows through and gets angry when I bring it up. She is usually in the mood two times: When we’re out and can’t do anything, and when I’m not home. Now the other major problem is she has become addicted, and I mean ADDICTED to erotic novels…not romance or smut, but erotic novels. I called her out on now needing them to become aroused and she got mad at me…which is how I know Im right. She has since deleted the app Wattpad, but the whole reaosn I got upset is because on more than one occasion I saw that she had left the app open…while I was in the shower, and she jumped me afterwards…but I saw what she was reading right before and it killed me…She was raised a princess no believing or admitting that anything might be her fault is out of the question for her…

  5. Julie Sibert says:

    @Trevor W — I encourage you and your fiancee to stop having sex until you are married. God designed sex for marriage, and as difficult as it may be to obey this command, He still asks that we do.

    I also encourage you and your fiancee to have some open honest discussions, possibly with a counselor, about what could be barriers to your intimacy once you are married. Your fiancee’s fixation on erotic novels, as well as different levels of expectations sexually, are definitely worth discussing in a mature and healthy way with a counselor.

    Nurtured sexual intimacy in a marriage takes effort, but it is worth it. And part of what makes it strong and healthy is identifying problems and struggles and doing all you can to resolve those.

  6. Lozz says:

    I get no sex from my partner for the past 7 years he has rejected me sexually he never cuddles Or kisses me I miss and yern to have sex with him but I get nothing just like sleeping next to a stranger it is breaking my heart as I love and fancy this man so much I wanted him in my life forever but I need a sexual partner and can’t go on any longer without sex feeling loved wanted, I am a attractive looking women and can look sexy but since he has constantly rejected me past 7 years I feel like a ugly worthless nothing and stoped making effort due to his rejection towards me I’ve dressed up in stockings and suspenders sexy clothes change my hair colour from Brown to blone to red e.g but he just turned me away made excuses after excuses as soon as I’m out of room he is wan_ing off over porn sites yet I have even suggested watching porn together but nothing, I need sex love to with a man I love my sole mate.

  7. Blaine says:

    When struggling in our relationship it becomes a tool for my wife to stress her anger or dis-satisfaction with us. Leaves me feeling very alone. Especially when I ask repeatedly and there is always a no. I have already been in one marriage that this was a major problem. I love my wife more than any person on earth and want grow old with her.

  8. @frustrated says:

    I’ve been married for right at 1 year,my husband is 20 years my senior. When we first got together our sex life was great but now it’s non existent!- I literally beg him for sex and get turned down repeatedly,no matter what i do,say,or wear. We’ve had the conversation of me feeling insecure,left out,unwanted etc a handful of times already, clearly it’s yet to improve-i can easily be with anyone I chose to be with I’m no I no duckling lol but the longer we go without affection and sex the more it makes me question any and everything about our marriage. I can admit that I have s relatively high sex drive and I also must admit that he works very very hard and is away from the home for 13 hours a day working and I know he’s tired, but come on!- we’ve had sex that I completely initiated and was all terrible sex like 6 times since thanksgiving ! I love him with everything and we used to have mind blowing sex and it’s just disappeared. I want to uphold my vows and commitment to God as well as my husband and I believe he knows and believes how seriously I take those things and for that reason the fear of someone else is not present which is good but also a catch 22 ,there’s no threat of another person or divorce so he just relay in the thought of I’m forever gonna ride out whatever non sex wave were going through and it’s breaking down my security with myself and my marriage, not initiating sex or constantly turning me down just has me really contemplating will this be it,will I spend my prime years having lame sex 5 times a year?- better yet how is anyone who is entirely sexually frustrated and constantly is reaffirmed by other males not to just blow up with frustration and resentment for what I feel I’m “missing out on”

  9. Tom says:

    Sex is the natural hand break to stop a man who is fighting his partner. Men love sex and will do anything, even concede winning a fight to get sex.

    I knew that if I fought with my spouse that I not get sex. As I treasured sex I will probably terminate the fight to save my chances of getting sex (soon).

    If you are in a sexless marriage (me now) and a fight erupts, you have nothing to loose, there are no natural brakes to stop the fight. You are not going to have sex anyway so what’s there to loose? You go harder and move vicious.

    There will be no sorry’s and no kiss and makeup.

    A sexless marriage makes you feel rejected, lonely, unhappy, frustrated, ugly etc

    When my kids shout at my wife I look the other way. Why protect someone who for years rejects you?

  10. Sam says:

    Sorry I have to disagree with some of the replies to the comments, sex isn’t designed solely for marriage by god. Who are we to say we know the mind of god? Anyone to suggest that is just kidding themselves.

    As for myself, my wife rejected me for the first 15 years of marriage, we only had sex once a month. I think she chose once a month because it was just barely enough to keep me around. It only increased after that because I discovered she was cheating and forgave her… but I later discovered she kept cheating with many different men over the years.

    Thanks to my stupid Catholic upbringing, I always forgave and stayed. Now I regret staying, all those years I’ll never get back, and I especially regret not cheating on her too. Unfortunately I’m now old, my chances to find happiness and sex are slim, my advice don’t make the same mistake I did.

    Sex once a month (or less) means something is going on, maybe it’s a medical problem but much more likely she is cheating and you need to leave (find someone that shows you love and affection; someone that wants to have sex with you).

  11. Jasonm says:

    Hmmm

    I feel very down when the woman I love TURNS ME down even after she says she will. IF I…
    I start by giving her massages, rubbing her feet , back , shoulders and head . I spent no Less than 30 mins to and 1hr or until my hands starts throbbing… I even make a point of using lotions, but yet when I’m done she turns the other way and goes to sleep ,

    What else am I supposed to do ? I feel angry , sad and depressed

    She seem to not fallow through often , I could give her massages everyday of the week and still not get any mabey 1 or 2 times

    She always starts out by “BABEEE? IF YOU!! I WILL GIVE YOU HMMM!

  12. Craig says:

    My wife and I have been married 30 years now and have 3 children (now adults).. For the last 15 to 20 years she has been less and less interested in having any kind of sexual contact, initially saying it was due to the kids, then our busy schedules and now, well now she just openly says she has never enjoyed sex,,, EVER…. Yes she was a virgin (22 years old) when we met and yes we had premarital sex (which she has said she regrets with all her heart)… She doesn’t kiss me with any passion any longer, she seems to have lots of desire, passion and yes energy for her career (RN in a major hospital), the church (ever committee, playing the piano, etc, etc), our daughters (which I am fine with) and even baking all day long for an upcoming charity event)… But when it comes to passion, romance and sex.. or spending time as WIFE with her husband… well nope, nada,, nothing…
    I’m retired and do everything I can to help out, I show her in all the ways I can how I love, respect and care for her… BUT our sexless / passionless marriage is dying right before my eyes..
    Yes I have brought this to her.. talked about it in biblical term, etc.. And then of course she say ok lets do it “I have things to do she if we are going to let get it over”…
    WTH????
    I am done…. I have come to the decision that I either live in this loveless hell, find a lover outside our marriage or leave….
    But I do not want any of them… I want my sexy loving wife back…

  13. Robert says:

    The sad fact is that many women do not appreciate, or show respect to the man they married. And it goes the other way too!
    As Christians, the greatest gift we have is the gift of love. Jesus told us so many times in the bible to love one another as I have loved you.
    When we don’t show our love to our spouse, but show love to all others, its not good. Marriage comes first.
    To all the wives, I would say this: Love your husband like its the last day you will see him. To husbands, do the same.
    Look forward to sex with enthusiasm, even if your not up to it, show it anyway. God gives us grace, can’t we all agree that we need to shower this on our spouses?
    When we allow being tired, stress, the kids, the office to come before sex, the enemy wins. Get into counseling, and do what ever it takes to stay happily married.
    Getting a divorce or thinking that a new lover will solve the problem is an illusion. Stay with what God gave you, and make it work.
    Sex for men is respect, and love. Without sex, men will always feel rejected and not want to contribute to the home. Sex for women is about intimacy, without sex, women feel horribly alone, and ugly.
    Do whatever it takes to please your spouse. AMEN?

  14. William says:

    More than five years ago my wife told me she no longer wanted to be intimate sexually. In hindsight, I thought it was because of her age, and the fact she had colon cancer. Then she said it was too painful and then she told me basically she has lost interest.

    One day as I was looking for some tape; in our bedroom I found two pictures of a young man by her bed, whom I didn’t know. My heart dropped, I felt devastated., angry and betrayed. I could not believe what I was saying. My wife had a secret lover.

    I have asked her to attend marriage counseling and she said no, we ought to be able to talk about our problems together. Whenever I bring up the topic of discussing our relationship, she skirts the issue and refuses to talk. I realize that I have allowed myself to fall victim of emotional abuse by my own wife of 23 years;because I thought one day she would change. I prayed and asked for guidance. I no longer feel I am capable of being just a roommate to a women I thought loved me. I have decided to go to marriage counseling alone and will hope for the best.

    I don’t feel very hopeful right now. I have a daughter from this marriage. I keep saying to myself, “Why would I allow my wife to treat me this way and Why have I accepted being treated this way by her for years.”

    I am a good man, I was never violent, and always helped her in every way, financially, emotionally, and even went to every one of her chemotherapy appointments. I just don’t have the words to express my hurt. I feel lost and abandoned by God. I am 59 years old and a very responsible man. Sensitive at times but a person who just wants to love and be loved.

    I have put up with more than I should have and feel like a fool for doing so. I am not certain as to the outcome of my marriage. If we have to end it,so be it. I can not allow myself to be manipulated any longer by someone who I thought cared about me.

  15. Patrick says:

    Wow, I do think men have a hard time communicating their feelings. When I read this…

    …hate the situation they are in.
    …hate the desperate loneliness of constant sexual rejection.
    …hate feeling trapped by Christian morals they have grown to resent.

    it was like I was finally able to see and identify my own feelings. Just too bad I still can’t tell my wife my feelings. There is no empathy, just pride and defensiveness. Any feelings of need I have threaten her independence and become just another burden on her life. She spends hours and hours each day on herself. My needs, even if they only require 30 mins per day, are too precious to her. Its easier to make the kids dinner and clean the house and say it’s for the family, claiming that is part of her loving me. I truly feel like we lost the truth in the meaning of reverence. Men are rarely reverenced today, despite the love given to women. Yet, women are more depressed than ever, drink and commit suicide more than ever, and wonder why. Feminism has done some good, but overall, has killed relationships and family. Most women would not identify as feminists, but the bombardment of propaganda out there seeps in changes the way they think and act.

  16. Matt Z. says:

    There are some on here that blame the victim of a sexless marriage and in some cases that may be true since one can legitimately reject sexual relations in serious circumstances such as harm to the baby or an adulterous spouse. But most of these cases on here are spouses that are atleast trying to love their spouse, maybe sometimes imperfectly l, but stil their spouse is not givimg the marriage debt usually to a selfish reason where there are no excuses. Im Catholic and one can also legitimately reject intersourse with ones spouse for little or no reason on occasion but never for long periods of time. To reject a spouse for long periods of time is an objective mortal sin. So another words it is grave matter and if done fully deliberate and with the knowlege that it is a serious sin is an actual mortal sin that can send one to hell. I myself am in a 13 year bascially sexless marriage but after reading some of these posts I have some ideas I may use to try to communicate with my spouse. Pray prayers of deliverance from the devil and pray for the help of St.Joseph and Mother Mary and St.Joachim and St. Anne.

  17. bignuts2go says:

    wife was prgnant and got married. well even on our wedding nite we didnt have sex.i would send flowers candy, cards and calls on the phone she would then after all that lay there and sy well hurry on and get it over with. after in my late 50s i had cancer any got treatment and was cleared no cancer and now had ED her attiude chainged wanted sex and me well couldnt. fel very cheated sad. since then she had heart failuer.i now after 50 yrs taking care of her now no chance of sex so very depresing

  18. Andrew says:

    i just feel lonely and rejected and fonding solitude reading peoples comments shows me im not the only one….

  19. Nathan says:

    My first marriage was deeply affected by my wife’s sexual abuse issues, but it was her Bi Polar swings that destroyed her because she pursued my destruction, took our 3 year old daughter at the time on stealing escapades through shopping malls. Stealing up to $2000 worth of stuff at a time.
    Sex with her was good when it happened (cause I guess she was crazy) but that became less and less till I stayed far from her when she worked as a prostitute and took drugs.
    Some stupid counselor had his brains in his bottom draw filing cabinet asking me if I was willing to have a marriage without the sex…??? Isn’t that called a friendship? And at 25 years old get real.

    Now in my second marriage, once again sex is a looming issue.
    I am deeply focused on enjoying giving her a deeply satisfying sometimes agonizing orgasm. I can achieve that with great satisfaction on my part 95% of the time.
    Only fair to give as good as you get, but it’s just not enough for her.
    I help with the kids, house keeping and being the only breadwinner.
    Now with serious deterioration of her health physically and mentally over the last 5 years, it is affecting us financially, spiritually, sexually, intellectually, and daily life with 3 kids is a dead bore.
    They get to go nowhere and do nothing, but the lack of intimacy truly is the hardest issue to deal with. All work no play makes Jack a dull boy.
    At 45 I have the daunting decision to keep my vows of the dark trifecta (sickness, poorer, and worse) and except this is for the rest of our life or break them once again by leaving for my sanity and the sanity of my children.
    God does not respect a vow breaker.
    Fact is there is something seriously wrong with our people and our society.
    The women are falling apart mentally and emotionally (probably the push of feminism), everyone’s health is failing them regardless of age (phood is fake), selfishness abounds(to many disney movies preaching, follow your heart), and godly families are imploding.

  20. John says:

    If you are a wife reading these responses with a heart to do better in your sexual response to your husband, I hope he knows how lucky he is. Stuck in a Christian marriage with sex 2-3 times a year in a good year. Suffering horribly since my wife is the only one I want, and the only one I can legally and Bibicaly have. Suffering with years of rejection, not only from non sex, but from no intimate action at all. She doesn’t even want to be looked at. No touching, no playfulness…nothing. I used to try talking about it, but have grown tired of getting my head chewed off. She thinks her libido is just fine and has zero desire to change. She has no idea how much I suffer and probably never will. I’ve prayed thousands of times…daily for years…no answer…no improvement.

  21. Lars says:

    My wife slowed down over a seven-year period. About 5 years ago it came to a grinding halt. Her single mother has lived within a mile of us for the last 15 years of our marriage. I think she had a lot to do with it. There was never a leaving and cleaving. They were raised Catholic and I’m not sure recreational sex is something that they were into.I was the sole breadwinner. And provided her a real nice living. I made some decent money. When I would ask her why she didn’t want to do sex she made a statement to me that was puzzling: “my body is a temple of the Holy Spirit.” I told her mine was also. Anyway I ended up divorcing her. And it’s just another victory for the enemy. And yes she went to the church and said he’s doing this and he’s doing that and one man from the church came and talked to me. I later went to the church and asked a pastor if he would talk to her about our sex-less marriage and he did not. Well she’s having to work for the first time in her life and not enjoying it too well. All I wanted was sex and intimacy with her.

  22. Beyond frustrated says:

    Having the same issue. We been together for 5 years. Living together for 1. When we got together she had a 1 year old. Whose bio father was and is still absent. I have taken on that role and I wouldn’t trade it for nothing. The first year was full of passion. We had sex everywhere and anytime we could. After a few years the frequency went down. But I chopped it up to us living 30 mins apart and her career growing. It was a lot of stress and change. She also had a slipped disc in her back and had to have surgery. I was by her bedside every weekend and of course didn’t expect sex. It took 2 months for her to heal up and get back to normal. That was fine. It wasnt until we moved in together that the sex really dried up. At first it was hard because our son was not used to sleeping in his own room. At 5 she still insisted he sleep with us whenever he wanted. While h was every night. Then he got into the idea of sleeping in his room. Next up was someone has to lay with him until he falls asleep. We alternate nights. When it’s her nite I know she will fall asleep before him and that leaves no time after he’s asleep. We also both work long hours. She’s gone at least 10 hours a day and I’m gone about 14 hours of the day. She goes to work after me and gets home before me. In that time she wont get him situated so that when I come home hes at least had a bath and ate and maybe do his homework. That’s not started until I come home. Which leaves no time to wind down together. Then she’s constantly tired or aching. I get the tired part. But she wont set boundaries and expectations with our son so she can get some rest. She does whatever he wants her to do. By time she sees me she’s spent all her energy at work and with the child. Also she’s extremely family orientated and there are frequent get togethers and visits to and from family members. I have told her how unsatisfied I am with the lack of frenquency. Everytime she says it’s something wrong with her or it’s not that she doesn’t desire me its she doesn’t desire sex often. I don’t even get the flirty texts anymore. It bums me out a lot and I dont want to leave this over sec. And because of our son. He sees me as his dad and I can’t be another figure leaving his life. I’m tired of bringing it up. There are plenty of women that still flirt and make advances and of course I shut them down. I only want her. We are engaged and im.thinking if this is how it is before marriage then im in big trouble. Idk. I dont get why this is a issue. Two people who are in love should not be arguing over sex. I dont feel good having to ask or getting shot down when I go for it. And yes I do the back runs for rubs nice texts flirty texts getting the to do list done trying to do all the chores sometimes so she can relax and maybe feel rested enough by the end of the night to want sex. Nothing works. She ll do it randomly but I feel it’s to shut me up. Not cause she’s desiring me. Its making me depressed cuz I dont want to leave but im.at my wits end.

  23. J says:

    Going to keep it short and simple. When you’re being rejected, she has either cheated or is cheating. Not being childish w/ my response but 90% of the time she has checked out & is sharing herself w/ somebody else. Sad world we live in these days. Look deeper, look for all the clues & I hope you find your truth. I did.

  24. You made him leave. says:

    So your husband said something you didn’t like, he was rude. You decided to Withold sex. But then you realize, You have been!
    Your attempt at behavior modification per elite magazine has failed! Why? Because you are not on an even playing field! To Withold sex for an off the cuff remark, will in fact make matters worse. The Divorce rate proves that! He becomes more angry as time goes by. Distant. He is in a prison of desire. If he infact desires you. You are training him, to squash it. He will stop chasing you, & will stop desiring you.
    My suggestion, let the remark go. Talk about it, Now! Dont harbor a resentment that punishes & makes him wait days weeks or months, for sexual intimacy. I gurantee you, those shitty remarks will continue, why? Because your punishment is like using a shotgun on your husband, because he stepped on your toe. He will lose his desire for you, & you will wish, that you gave him sex, & enjoyed his desire for you, rather than punish him for it.
    Game over you won. He’s leaving.

  25. jb says:

    been married for 43 years………….i’m sick of being turned down……..no sexual intercourse for the last 12 years…..no dressing sexy ever……..no high heels……….no nothing…….has never initiated sex ever….sober or drunk………….so a year ago i took a vow of celibacy in marriage……..no touching her in any way and i don’t even say ‘I love you’……..guess what….she says that its not fair to her…..really………………….you would think she would do something to change to save her marriage….not

  26. What About Women Being Denied says:

    Why are all these written from a man’s perspective? I am a Christian female and my husband denies sex from me often. It isn’t just men who are denied sex in their relationship, women are too.

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