marriage problems, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles
We’ll Have Sex More Often After…
Oct
We’ll have sex more often
…after we get used to being married.
…after we aren’t so tired with the newborn.
…after we are more established in our jobs.
Yes, we’ll have sex more often
…after we get the babies into preschool.
…after we get our finances in order.
…after we remodel the house.
For sure, we will have more sex more often
…after we get the attic cleaned out.
…after we get the landscaping done.
…after we aren’t so busy with the kids’ activities.
I’m certain we will have sex more often
…after the kids are done with high school.
…after football season.
…after we adjust to the work promotion.
Obviously we will have sex more often
…after we put the kids through college.
…after we enjoy their weddings.
…after we’ve saved enough for retirement.
I imagine we will have sex more often
…after we have cared for our elderly parents.
…after we downsize to a smaller house.
…after we aren’t so busy with the grandkids.
Have you been waiting until “after” something else before you get around to nurturing sexual intimacy in your marriage?
Tender, sacred and passionate sex shouldn’t be put on indefinite hold.
You may arrive after decades of “doing life together,” only to discover you are out of time to embrace all that sex could have meant to your marriage.
What an unfortunate and tragic regret that will be.
Copyright 2012, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
Kinda like “Cats in the cradle”
Exactly, jc.
Are you suggesting the first item in the list belongs with the other “wrongs”? Waiting until after marriage is hardly wrong Julie…
Hi Tom…. No, I wasn’t at all suggesting that waiting was wrong. Waiting is absolutely right! What I was saying is that many people who have waited (and even those who haven’t) go into marriage thinking that “sex will just take care of itself” and doesn’t need to be nurtured.
I can see your point though… that this could be misinterpreted. I think I will change it.
Thanks for the comment!
The funny thing is if you present your wife with this list you’ll get a they’ll call you a sex maniac, pervert, uncaring, unspiritual, greedy, selfish.
But place the first line with “I’ll be a better spiritual leader after….” and you’ll get almost every wife up in a tizzy about how bad a husband he is.
Can’t win.
My favorite: “We’ll have sex more often on the day before one of us dies.”
The point is that if you keep putting off what you know you should be doing (“Stop defrauding one another”), you might miss the boat entirely. Then the surviving spouse, if they have a heart at all, will have to live with regrets for the rest of his/her life.
excellent post Julie.
that’s exactly how our marriage went for 17 years. I always thought that the next BIG CHANGE maybe would make a difference. After the baby is weaned. After the baby is out of diapers. After we get our OWN house. After I get a better paying job. After she is a SAHM, after, after, after.
Got married at 23. Just before I hit 40, in 08, I realized it was never going to change. That’s when I really began pushing the issue and not letting it drop. I didn’t want us to live the rest of our lives without a sex life. I told her that we didn’t HAVE a sex life. That we were just “Sexual Acquaintances” I kept it on the table and its still there. Things aren’t perfect, but they are MUCH better now.
Anyway, your article hit home. Thanks!
LS
I will have sex more often when I recover from the fact that my husband slept with four prostitutes.
Lola, I am deeply saddened by your pain. Any time sexual intimacy is compromised in a marriage, whether it be by betrayal or neglect or any other reason, it is tragic.
You are indeed right when you use the word “recover” because such offense committed against you by the very man who pledged you love and faithfulness is unfathomable.
My prayer is that you are indeed supported, comforted and encouraged, not only by the Lord, but by safe people in the body of Christ.
My heart goes out to you and I pray for your husband’s repentance and unwavering effort to restore his marriage before it is too late.
YES!!!
Absolutely excellent. There’s always an excuse, if we let there be. As long as we let there be, we won’t have an intimate marriage. What’s more important?
Wow thank you for this article. So true!!! I used to think that way but I am getting better:)
We have had struggles in our sex life. In the last three years we have made love hardly more than once a month until recently when we have ‘got it together’ and done it about twice a week.
Unfortunately we have not done so now for about 2 weeks because my wife has some medical problems which leave her tired and in some pain. Obviously I do not want to put any pressure on her but I am just aching to be intimate again. We kiss and cuddle for a few minutes when we go to bed and I tell her how much I love her and how wonderful she is but in some ways this makes my longing even worse. I pray that we can get back together very soon.
D – I get the same excuses as you. I’ve been getting it for 20 years. Then one day I realized that the tired/pain didn’t ever stop her from: working at various full time/part time jobs, joining a softball team, playing basketball at church til midnight, having 1 kid then 2 then 3 then 4, numerous womens bible studies that last til 11pm, taking on a nanny job for 1 kid, then 2 kids, watching baseball/football games til after midnight, going out with friends, going on womens retreats, etc etc etc. All at various times in 20 years. In fact, some of these are all at the same time, or in increasing amounts.
None of this stuff is bad – in fact, I encouraged her to do each and every single one if she wanted too and felt up to it, and I would take care of whatever needed to be done in order for her to do it – be home for the kids, adjust my work hours, do more houseworkd, etc.
The kicker is that she does all these things then claims too tired/in pain to make love, or she claims to be too tired/in pain, and then takes on even MORE stuff. IE, before we had kids – “too tired/in pain”. But not too tired/in pain to want a kid – and then another, then another. Or “too tired/in pain”, but not so much to take on a full time nanny job of 1 kid – and then take on another (and we don’t need the money).
So a month ago I asked her if the “too tired/in pain” to make love, will she go to any doctor/specialist/counselor needed in order to discover any problem/get a solution? Nope – “just the way I am”. Or reduce the amount of commitments/things she does? “You’re selfish”. Or to deal with the pain, find some position/technique/activity that reduces or results in no pain? “You’re a pervert”.
At least you are lucky with the cuddle/kissing before sleep. I try that – “you’re up to something” – if that. Usually no kiss/rollover/go to sleep.
John you got the wrong end of the stick. My wife had 5 visits to two dentists in two weeks with another visit due next week, so I am not complaining about the lack of intimacy, merely that I miss it more and more each day.
Great post Julie,
An awesome reminder that we are not promised tomorrow. We must live in the now with our spouse.
God Bless,
Lola
It wasn’t your fault. There is no excuse for his behavior. The fact that your even willing to “recover from the facts” tells us that he is a lucky man.
Take it from me, if the door swung the other way and you slept around on him then there would be many a hot passionate nights in your future while he tried to prove to himself that he is a better lover to you. I speak from experience. Call that flaw exactly what it was, lust. Quit throwing stones. If he has chosen to sin no more then you need to see that for what it is and put on your best game. You have the same lust in you regadless of the emotional terms that women couch it in. Womankind needs to face the music.
Its just lust.
Revel in the joy that it could bring back into our marriages or live out bitter regrets; those are the choices that you and I have. You and I are broken and need to learn then how precious a gift salvation and grace are in light of our difficult times forgiving.
Were you risking you life in a warzone when this affair started? In many ways there are other people far more wounded than we are. So let’s count blessing for a minute and get down to brass tacks of sanctifying our partners despite thier weakness in the face of lust. I would ask the same of her were I the one who transgressed.
Have a good evening.
Mac
If not here then where? If not now then when?
John…in the same boat as you. 10 million excuses…and i have heard everyone. I am sick and tired of being called “selfish” and a pervert for wanting sex more than 12 times a year.
Kinda of like the pot calling the kettle black. She is basically telling a starving man, no she will not share her bread with you, and you can’t go out to eat. That’s the true definition of selfish.
John and Will and any other husband in similar circumstances, have you tried to really LIVE Eph5:25-33?
After many years of marriage it is easy to begin to take each other for granted.
This last summer I was convicted by the Holy Spirit that I was NOT living out these verses. I changed and now I am really trying to live them out. That means being prepared to die for my wife and to ALWAYS put her needs ahead of my own. My wife knows what I am doing and can tell me when I fall short.
Guess what, we now very rarely argue, we are truly best friends and we are far more loving towards each other in all areas of our marriage. We make love (not just have sex) about twice a week and we both enjoy the intimate moments much more. I thank God for my wife daily, verbally, in bed so she knows how I feel..
D- Don’t speak to me about Ep5. Always put her needs before mine? YES. How about this over 20 years:
I do at least 50% of the cleaning – if not more. Bathrooms, vacuuming, dishes, laundry, terrible cooking. I even wash windows. Not to mention 100% of the yard work is me, and maintenance.
Whenever she says “I need a night out alone” I say – go, I got everything. Then there are the times I say “You need a night out – go”. Do I get the same privelege? NO.
We moved 800 miles so we could be minutes from her parents, when I had a stable job and, oh, by the way, now we’re 800 miles away from my own family.
Kids are sick at night? Guess who always gets up.
Kids sick during the day? Guess who has to take off of work.
Kids sick on Sunday morning? Guess who stays home with them instead of going to church.
Guess who does all the homework helping, bathing, bedtime reading, tucking in? Me. For 4 kids.
“Taking care of 1 child is so exhausting and busy”. Then why did you want a second? And a third? and a fourth?
Guess who controls the money and budget? Not me.
“I want to do X ministry at church” I say, go too it, I’ll take care of the kids/everything else.
“I’d like to take horse riding lessons/play in basketball/softball/volleyball league, go back to school, work part time”. I say “YES”, I’ll take care of the kids/slack at home, and oh, we really can’t afford to pay for those things but go ahead, I’ll figure out a way. Oh, too tired and busy and sore for sex now, even a week later? I wonder why.
Our marriage night: “Its been such a long day and I’m so tired, and we have a flight tomorrow, so we just go to sleep?” While wearing a red silk/lace nightie. And then proceed to do a word search til 11pm while watching the ballgame.
Oh, and after that? We didn’t have sex at all for 16 months. Until she wanted a baby, then we had it 3-5 times. And when she found out she was pregnant? That was it for the 9 month pregnancy, then another 6 months of “recovery”. So for the first 3 years of our marriage, we had sex less times than I can count on one hand.
You know what I’m really getting sick of? The sanctimonious church, particularly western/america, that ascribes to not only the monetary prosperity gospel, but also the life prosperity gospel. You know, “If you were a better christian you would have a better life.” “It must be your fault/not being a good enough christian that your life is so bad” “You must not be right with the Lord if those bad things are happening”. What crap. And it also mostly male bashing. If I was a women and it was my husband that did all the above, I’d be getting sympathy out the wazoo. But since I’m a man, there must be something wrong with me, right? It can’t be her.
John,
You need to read “Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011″…..Amazon.com. It will make you mad at first but you will know why and what you can do about it.
John and @SameExcuseDifferentDay… I have had other people mention “Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011” — the only disclaimer I will give is that this is not a book targeted toward Christians specifically and it may contain some stuff that doesn’t line up with Christian beliefs. I have not read the book, but that is what I have heard.
There are quite a few Christian sex books on the market so I would encourage you to give those a look too.
I’m saddened by anyone who has experienced deep pain at the hands of the person who vowed to do the exact opposite…vowed to love them, cherish them and yes, have sex willingly, enthusiastically and often.
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I feel alot better now that I get to have sex with my wife every 3 or 4 days but if it was up to me it would be every day or every other day. Longest we went was a month and it killed me inside to the point I went to seek other womens attention. . Welp fellas dont do it unless you want to lose all the trust and respect that took years to gaij even then she will never see you the same. Make more effort and work in yourself first… we guys get to comfortable. Make more time for her even if theres no sex… talk about what you do like and make plans to have sex.. take her out for wine.. tear down the wall and re fall in love with her.. let go of the bitterness and realize shes got feelings too and they may not be wanting sex at the moment.. once all that happens and stop moping around depressed you will get sex… also spice it up maybe work towards pleasing her or warming it up before jumping straight to sex. Your welcome
its been over 12 years plus with no sexual intercourse……….but who’s counting…right………and before that it was almost nothing…………my wife says whats the big deal…….i do everything around the house both inside and out…..i went to counseling…..she said she didn’t need it……..so now i took a vow of celbacy in marriage………….it started the last 9 months my vow did……….i.’m now happy after 39 years of marriage……i don’t have to hear anymore excuses ever again……i will now never have to touch my wife ever again………..that includes to hugging or kissing or no touching or saying i love you………..so now we are just room mates…………….i guess i never thought marriage was going to be like this in my wildest dreams…………if i knew….i wouldn’t have gotten married in the first place
@ John:
“.i went to counseling…..she said she didn’t need it……”
It is sad that this happens in so many at risk marriages: the refuser or gatekeeper does not admit he/she needs help or perhaps counseling. Spouses need to be honest with themselves.