marriage problems, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
5 Things You MUST Know if You Are Denying Your Husband Sex
Jun
Disclaimer: This post is directed at marriages where abuse is not occurring. I realize without this disclaimer, some people could assume I am saying that a wife in an abusive situation has no reason to deny sex.
If you are in a physically or emotionally abusive situation, I encourage you to find at least one safe confidante who will help you strategize on how to protect yourself and any children from the abuse.
Also, I recognize that some marriages are dealing with physical or mental illnesses that make sex difficult or impossible for a wide variety of reasons. This post is not written for those situations either.
My humble hope is that this post speaks to wives who possibly have been sexually denying their husbands, treating sex as something inconsequential and don’t realize the toll that could be taking on their marriage.
Recently I received another comment.
From another frustrated husband whose wife has been denying him sex. I get these regularly, so one would think I’m numb to them all. But I’m not. I’m grieved every time.
Because not long ago, in my first marriage, I was the wife doing the denying. I was the wife who thought it was “no big deal” that we rarely had sex and I was the one who thought that “someday” we would get around to figuring out our struggles.
Well, “someday” showed up in the form of divorce papers and another woman. If you are denying your husband sex, I humbly ask you to listen to me. One wife to another.
I want to share with you 5 things you MUST know:
1. If you deny your husband sex, you are missing out on what God has in store for YOU sexually.
I could start rambling endlessly about all that your husband is missing because of your sexual denial, but I want to first focus on you. Here’s the deal—the Cliff’s Notes version you might say—sexual pleasure is God’s idea for both a wife and a husband.
Orgasm, passion, foreplay, being turned-on, soul bonding—all that physical, emotional and spiritual stuff—those elements are all part of God’s plan for sex. And nowhere in His Word does He say he did all that just for husbands.
Nope.
His Word is clear that sex is a gift to both a husband and a wife. God wants you both to experience all the benefits of sexual connection. Orgasm feels good, and as I have often said, there is no other purpose of the clitoris except sexual pleasure in a woman.
Consistent and nurtured sexual intimacy endears you to one another, making it easier to extend each other grace. It has so much potential to be a place of tenderness, passion, fun and even stress relief! I wish I would have known all of this in my first marriage.
2. If you deny your husband sex, you are breaking God’s heart.
Okay, I get that you and your husband have issues. At least I’m guessing that’s the reason behind all the non-existent sex. Or possibly you are the one with big issues that you have been unwilling to address.
Those could be physical issues with hormones, depression or poor health. They could be emotional issues, such as past betrayals, sadnesses, family of origin struggles, or sexual abuse from which you haven’t sought healing. Or maybe they are mis-information issues. You were always told sex was “dirty” or “obligation” or “wrong.”
Whatever the issues, whether they are within your marriage or within your own journey, if they are negatively impacting your sexual desire for your husband, stop pretending like they will resolve themselves.
Do something.
Pray and read God’s Word about marriage and sex. Have a heart-to-heart talk with your husband. Go to counseling. Read a Christian marriage book. Stop staying stuck in stagnant status quo.
I know that marriage is complex, and in some marriages, the struggles are deeply shattering. I also know, though, that as long as you are married, you are in a place where God implores you to do what you can to nurture the relationship.
3. If you deny your husband sex, you are handing Satan the keys to your marriage.
Oh it sounds so harsh to say it this way, but it tragically is true. Satan is hell bent on destroying marriages because marriage is a covenant relationship God created. And division is Satan’s go-to tactic. (Divide husbands and wives. Divide families. Divide communities. Divide friends. You get the point.)
That being the case, why on earth would you give Satan any more opportunity to sabotage your marriage than he is already taking all on his own? When you regularly deny sex to your husband—or when you half-heartedly go through the motions sexually—you are opening your marriage up to unfathomable attack.
You are making it easier for your husband to fall into temptation and sin with pornography and adultery. You are watering the breeding ground of resentment and bitterness. In no way am I removing a husband’s accountability to obey God, remain faithful to his marriage vows and steer clear of sexual temptation. I’m just saying that if a man is starving, he will be drawn to any food within his reach, even if it is food that is dreadfully bad for him.
You give your marriage a much better fighting chance if you stop leaving so many doors open to Satan. Having and enjoying sex with your husband helps keep the doors from flying wide open.
4. If you deny your husband sex, you are setting a crappy example for your kids.
If you have kids, they are looking at you and your husband and constantly picking up insights about marriage. This isn’t about giving your kids the impression that marriage is always perfect, because let’s face it, it’s not. But I can only imagine that your heart’s cry is to give them the truth, and the truth is that marriage is a sacred union that is worth tending to.
“But my kids don’t even know what goes on with us sexually,” you may say. Sure, your kids are not privy to the details of your sexual intimacy, but I will bet my last dollar that they sense whether mom and dad genuinely care about each other.
They pay close attention to how you interact and how you show respect and affection. They get things that we don’t think they get. If you intend on training children up in the way they shall go, then don’t forget to live and breath what God says about marriage and sex.
5. If you deny your husband sex, you are hurting the man you love.
I don’t know your back story, but unless you are in an arranged marriage, the man who is your husband is someone you loved enough to actually marry. Yes, this is the guy who you entrusted with your heart and life. When you deny sex to him, suggesting with your actions or words that he is an insensitive animal because he wants to make love to his wife, you are hurting him. Why would you want to hurt the person you love?
If you are denying your husband sex, my heart goes out to you and him. Your actions are robbing you both of something profound. For more reading on this, check out my post What Sex-Starved Husbands Tell Me.
For more reading, you can cruise through my list of past posts, as well as my page with a bunch of posts on orgasm.
And I have a 5-video series available on building better sex in your marriage. Great way to invest in your marriage! You can find out all about it at this link: Better Sex in Your Christian Marriage.
Copyright 2012, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
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We have been married for a year and 7 months. Since July my husband has left the house 4 times. I know we have issues we need to resolve, but I never felt the issues warranted him leaving. So now we are officially separated since mid October. I believe we both would like to eventually reconcile, but there is still a lot of tension.
He has quoted 1Corinthians 7:1-5 (this is actually the only time he has quoted the bible) and is telling me I need to give him sex even if we are seperated. Is there any truth to that?
He has been going out to bars and drinking since July. That’s how he has been handling what’s been going on. It’s not every weekend, but its been enough times. I’m personally not comfortable with the idea of us being seperated and having sex. He says it will help him think more clearly. I believe there are deeper rooted issues that need to be delt with and us not having sex while we are seperated isn’t it.
I feel though that he is warning me, that if I don’t give him sex, he will cheat cause the bible says he will be tempted.
Any insight in his situation will help. Thank ou!
@Anonymous… thank you for the comment. I am not a counselor, but it definitely seems that you and your husband do have various issues to work on if the marriage is to not only survive, but be healthy and strong.
I highly encourage you to seek marriage counseling. Marriage requires a tremendous amount of maturity, but in the same regard, can be such a place of fun and encouragement. I don’t think the discord in your marriage is just about sex, and I think a counselor can help uncover the issues and offer suggestions on how to get on some firm footing going forward.
Also, I encourage you to seek support from safe female Christian confidantes… women who will pray with you, pray for your marriage, listen, not bash your husband, etc. Ideally it would be good if your husband had male Christian confidantes doing the same for him.
My heart goes out to you…
julie
Thanks Julie! We did counseling, my husband isn’t a fan. I do have a great support system of Christian friends who are praying and being encouraging. My husband unfortunately doesn’t he keeps everything in and doesn’t like talking to people, I do believe in time that will change though. I have faith that God will see us through and that this will be a testimony of His faithfulness.
I was just curious if there was any basis on what he was saying that I have to have sex with him even though we are seperated.
Thanks anyway! 🙂 ….. Great blog!
Julie,
I just found your blog and sad to say its when I was denied sex by my wife for the last year. I have been doing all I can to get her to say yes but she happily denies me every night after night. I want to ask for any advice because I am all out if ideas. :(.
@Anonymous … As to whether you have to have sex with him even though you are separated, I guess I would really have to think that one through Biblically, because technically you are still married. One could argue that you should continue to offer yourself to him sexually.
But I will say this… if he is really not making any effort to deal with deep-rooted issues and is not mutually interested in healing the past hurts and setting in place healthier patterns going forward, then all the sex in the world really isn’t going to get you where you want to be… in a strong, nurtured marriage.
Being physically separated yet still having sex seems to me like he wants some of the benefits of marriage without the responsibilities. Could you do that long term? I doubt it.
Obviously, keep praying for him and for your marriage and seeking wise counsel, but at some point, I think it’s reasonable to express your disappointment with the arrangement as is.
I’m sorry for what you are going through…
julie
What a great blog ,my wife and i have discovered that diet has a great influence on emotions in a marriage and sexual function and ability.12 months ago we started taking flaxseed oil mixed with greek yoghurt as per the BUDWIG PROTOCOL and wow what a change it has made to our life.Mental calmness and performance in the bedroom is just one of many great changes,Eliminating sugar intake and replacing with honey where possible and gradually eliminating processed foods where practical has helped us both to feel much younger both mentally and physically.
I throughly agree.It is like why would ahusband and wife living under one roof she go to neighbor cook his food rub his feet and have sex eith the neighbor.While same ladirs husba d go across street to shovel single oarent across street drive way play with single parents kid fix her drain repair her house.Than same husband and wife walk in house and not perform the job or role they signed up to do with each other.OR your job hires you than you dont fo jpb at all u hired to do.I MAKES NO SENSE.GIVE EACH OTHER LOVE&sex u said u would.:)
I throughly agree.It is like why would ahusband and wife living under one roof she go to neighbor cook his food rub his feet and have sex eith the neighbor.While same ladirs husba d go across street to shovel single oarent across street drive way play with single parents kid fix her drain repair her house.Than same husband and wife walk in house and not perform the job or role they signed up to do with each other.OR your job hires you than you dont fo jpb at all u hired to do.I MAKES NO SENSE.GIVE EACH OTHER LOVE&sex u said u would. Just think how rejected hurt unloved you would feel if your dpouse denied you and you really needed to be held or you really needed sex.
Thank you for your article. I like what you said and thought to share my experience.
I’m a re-born Christian while initially born as a Chinese. I feel that sex within marriage is most satisfying only when there is mutual respect between the husband and wife.
Christian husband and wife ought to love and care for each other. The pre-requisite of love is to regularly show good and proper manners to each other. In my opinion, we must not be lax or lazy in our communication. Be diligent towards your spouse. If possible and when we have the opportunities, we ought to always confer and direct greater honor onto your spouse whenever we talk to others about ourselves or our family. Your spouse will be spiritually drawn to you and will open his/her heart to you regardless whether he/she heard you saying nice things about him/her. It is in the spirit of love that the greater one can confer honor to the spouse, the more he/she will honor you in return. Do this regularly. Not just once, twice or thrice. The more the merrier until you believe you have married the best spouse in the universe.
Then you can enjoy each other with wonderful intimacy in the privacy of your rooms. Take showers or baths together. Wash or rub each other’s back. Go hot on each other. Be playful only in the trust and secrecy of each other’s company.
However don’t make a show of intimacy in front of others. Not even in front of your children. Once you are in public, always behave yourselves with perfect decorum towards your spouse. This is about honouring each other. (I love my wife. She’s absolutely wonderful. We’re married for 30 years and we still enjoy each other sexually to produce 6 children.) Try this recipe for a long lasting, hot & sexually very satisfying intimate marriage relationship. It may just work for you as it did for my marriage.
God loves you. Jesus saves. It’s great to be a Christian. God bless your marriage.
Thanks for the comment @Richard… beautifully written. I would only disagree with the point about not showing affection in front of anyone else. I think appropriate expression of affection, even in front of the kids, is definitely good and sends the message that the marriage is highly valued.
Thx for stopping by and commenting! Really appreciate it! Many blessings on your marriage!
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While it’s a good article, a woman does have the right to say no. A man does not have the right to demand sex from a woman. Sex should be a mutual thing. If it’s okay for a man ogle teenagers and watch porn, and lust after other women, then a woman surely has the right to say no, if she doesn’t feel like having sex.
Congrats. You just reversed feminism by about 50 years.
There is no God given right to sex, for anyone. How dare you preach about sexual relations as if women are objects to be possessed, controlled, and used by their husbands for sexual pleasure.
And honestly. If God wants me to have sex so much, why does the Church constantly defame it.
Makes no damn sense, Miss.
Thank you @Emily for stopping by and commenting, but I think you missed the point of my blog post. I don’t really think it had anything to do with feminism, but from the adamancy in your tone, I’m guessing you didn’t realize that.
Anyway, my site is directed at Christian couples, particularly wives, who I would hope would be interested in what God says about sex in the Bible. The Bible is clear in 1 Corinthians 7 that indeed husbands and wives are to have sex often and that sex is a sacred gift within marriage, not meant to be seen as “optional” but something to partake in often. And that when married couples nurture their sexual intimacy, indeed many blessings flow out of this.
As for your comment about the church, I wasn’t sure if the point of your comment was that the church doesn’t speak well of sex or that some people in church leadership treat sex in a sinful way. Regardless, though, of the church’s failings in dealing with sex, the truth still remains that sex was designed by the Lord for marriage.
Thanks for stopping by though. Many blessings on your day…
lol r u serious? this is the most retarded thing i have ever read “Satan is hell bent on destroying marriages because marriage is a covenant relationship God created” LLLOLOLOLOL no its not and satan isn’t real nor god
@bobus…. I’m sorry you feel that way. Obviously we’ll have to agree to disagree on this one.
Even when two people disagree, it’s helpful to have at least a tone of respect if possible. Just an idea.
This might be one if the most offensive things I’ve read recently.
@what??? But you read it, so I guess from my viewpoint, that’s a good thing.
Thank you for stopping by and for commenting… I really do appreciate it, even if we disagree.
Strange that all of a sudden people are showing up and blasting this post. Oh well, to each his/her own. I do admire the Christian way you react to people who don’t agree with you, Julie.
I’m not sure how urging couples to follow the words of Paul AND Solomon (during his wise, God-approved period) is offensive and sexist. Solomon counseled men to rejoice in the wife of their youth and be satisfied with their breasts (so to speak). Considering it’s one of the great Proverbs, I can’t see anything wrong with pointing married couples down that path.
Julie, I think you missed the point of my comment (and no, I didn’t miss the point of your post). You can’t simply “remove” feminism from your post just because you think it’s convenient. My argument is that the “advice” that you’re giving women is a reversal of the female agency that feminists have been battling for since the 50s. If a woman doesn’t want to have sex, she shouldn’t have to, regardless of what the BIble says. Non-consensual sex is called rape, and yes, after a long, sad period of time, finally, rape is illegal within marriage too. If I don’t feel like having sex, I shouldn’t feel pressured to because the Bible tells me to.
I know you’re trying to do this whole “kill with kindness” and “be a Christian” thing, but it’s unimpressive… I want you to engage my argument. I want you to tell me why you can justify marital rape with the Bible.
FYI – I was born and raised Catholic. I really do understand what the Bible says. (Not that I believe any of it after I went to college and actually became educated).
@Emily… Thanks again for stopping by!
I don’t think I missed the point of your comment. I simply think that it would be difficult for us to engage in productive dialogue about it because you believe that my post is a “reversal of the female agency that feminists have been battling for since the 50s” — and I don’t believe that’s what my post is.
The basis of my post is what I hold to be clear foundational Biblical messages that sex is a vital part of marriage and nowhere in the Bible does God portray it as something optional. In fact, 1 Corinthians 7 tells married couples to engage in sex often.
Am I advocating forced sex? No, I’m simply saying that husbands and wives would be wise to take good care of their marriage… a covenant relationship designed by God… and part of taking care of marriage, according to the Lord, involves sexual intimacy. Sadly, there are many spouses out there who greatly disregard nurturing sexual intimacy, much to the downfall of their marriage.
It’s fascinating to me that you don’t believe in the Bible, yet you think you and I can really have a conversation about something the Bible says, when indeed I do believe in the Bible.
I humbly recognize, based from your tone, that I’m not going to convince you of my perspective… nor are you going to convince me of yours.
I do really appreciate you taking the time to comment again, though. Thank you so much!
Yes, I’m sure God cries over every husband who doesn’t get sex from his wife who has free will. By the way, God gave her that too.
@Ridiculousblogpost… You sound angry. Why so angry?
For naysayers out there, Julie isn’t talking about rape or coercion. It’s about the right use of our moral agency. Nobody should force us to keep the law of chastity, pray, or accept Christ as our Savior, but God hopes we do these things and is sorrowful when we don’t. The same goes for marriage: we have our agency, but God still expects us Christians to use it to nourish our marriage in all its aspects, including physically. I’m sure that Julie and her colleagues aren’t preaching marital rape, but are encouraging others to use their agency for the good of their marriage.
Julie did an excellent with this post. Of course, no one post can cover everything that might be said on a subject. To clarify, however, there is a vast difference between force or marital rape (which unfortunately does exist) and recognizing the need and benefit of meeting legitimate physical and emotional needs in marriage. Once a spouse recognizes that there is a need and an obligation, that doesn’t mean they subject themselves to mistreatment. Far from it! They take steps to work together as a couple to build a great sex life. Sexuality shouldn’t be one-sided in marriage–as in one spouse demanding sex or the other demanding no sex.
Julie was making the case that wives need to understand what is happening if they think there are no consequences to a sexless marriage. As she pointed out, it does have a negative impact.
Great article Julie! I am a 29 year old woman who is in a 4.5 year relationship. I have never engaged in actual sex in all of my life. Initially ( during teen years to early 20’s) it was a choice. Now it is a problem. I cannot understand why, but when my husband and I “try” I clench in anxiety and fear of pain. I ask him if we can go to counseling on it and he says ” It’s my problem so if I want to go I should go on my own”. This makes me feel alone and resentful.
I do take care of business for him in other ways so to speak, but nothing ( i understand) can make up for the actual act. I do not know what to do. Even if we split, this is something I wish to resolve.
@anonymous me… I definitely think you should go to counseling and possibly even visit a medical doctor as well, because it would be worth it to better understand where the anxiety and fear of pain is coming from.
Even though your husband doesn’t want to go, you really have nothing to lose and all to gain by going on your own. When you stand back and look at the situation as it is now, obviously you don’t want your marriage to be filled with anxiety about sex.
I would start with a counselor and your medical doctor and see what insights they can offer.
In addition to that, I would encourage you to take more time during foreplay… it could be that your body simply isn’t warmed up to the idea of sex. Foreplay is crucial in helping get us in a place where sex is enjoyable, etc. Foreplay can help us clear our mind of other distractions, can help us relax, etc. And by “foreplay,” it can include such things as having a nice conversation, enjoying giving each other backrubs, light caressing all over the body, extended kissing, etc.
Anyway, I hope some of this helpful… be encouraged and don’t give up hope that things can look different than they do right now.
As a sexually deprived husband I can attest that this article is VERY accurate. I’m writing this in hopes that it may help some of the wives out there to “get it”, since clearly my wife doesn’t. For the wives… Imagine if your husband decided he didn’t want to talk with you or do things with you and payed you little attention. Or , when he did talk to you he acted like he didn’t want to be there. Would you be tempted get attention elsewhere? Probably so, because you would have a basic need that was being neglected. This is exactly how a husband feels when he is denied sex. My wife and I have sex maybe once or twice a month. And when we do it seems like a chore. I went from being hurt to angry , to resentful , then to withdrawal. I don’t ask for it any more because it makes me feel like a loser. I love my wife, I am a friend to her, I treat her with respect at all times. I am a nice looking, clean guy. I pay all the bills. I take care of my responsibilities. I don’t want to cheat but what is a man to do….?
Thank you so much for your incisive write up. But as I am writing this letter now, my own case with my former wife is alredy too late. She denied me so much that I hated her, even so she told me so many times of how she hates me. I resorted to masturbation but stopped on my own accord. Her attitude of nagging and husband battering and hatred made me to pack out of our house for her and since then I have peace of mind for two months now before thinking of remarrying. Regards, Tony.
I just emailed this link to my wife. Because it was written by a woman and that is important. I’m hoping it may help her think about our marriage a little differently.
I love my wife very much and she is my whole world. I tell her I love her everyday. I tell her how hot she is, I work a lot and have always done my best to make sure her and the kids are always looked after.
My wife might give me two minutes once a month, it is nothing for me to go two or three months without any intimacy at all. It has almost always been that way for us. I can only think of three times since we met in high school where she instigated anything sexual, two of those times were twenty years ago. It is not important to her, she see’s it as a chore, she thinks it’s just about the release. She uses many of the excuses found here. Too tired, is a big one.
I have to agree with Hurting husband, you said it right. There are stages to this for us men, well there are for me anyway.
First there is rejection in several forms and different levels, after a few weeks it turns to anger and hurt. That’s when I notice myself getting cranky, short tempered, susceptible to road rage and things like that. That doesn’t make her want to be intimate I’m sure. So, that just makes things even worse. I know that so I try hard to hide it. A few weeks after that the anger turns into sense of worthlessness, and more pain. Around the two month mark you hit the last and worst stage for me is the feeling unloved stage. When you feel like you’re going through a break up or something. It’s that deep pain that tightens your chest like you’ve just lost a loved one and you are grieving, you can’t sleep, your work is suffering, you miss your wife so much.
This is the most dangerous stage, and usually for me when she will offer an obligatory two minutes. At this stage I don’t even want it. I want her, I need to feel her love not her two minutes to shut me up.
I bet this is when men start to wonder off, perhaps to their lawyers. I’m not sure, but I could see it for sure.
For me, like I said before. My wife is my whole world and my whole life. I really do love her, we’ve been through a lot together and came out strong. She loves me too, I know she does. We get along great, never fight and we do a lot of things together… Except in our bedroom…
I will never cheat on her, it’s the love and closeness to her that I really need. Yes, 20 plus years later I’m still hot for my wife like I was as a teenager. I could go elsewhere for gratification, but I know that wouldn’t work for me anyway. It’s not just “getting some” that I want, it’s my wife that I want. I can only get that at home.
All that said, I can tell you as a guy…Begging sucks! Don’t make your man beg, he is not a dog. Don’t treat him like one.
When we see our wives, we go running up to you like an excited puppy, tail wagging and full of kisses. When you yell “No” and say “Go lay down” like you would to a dog, it hurts pretty bad! When you leave us in the laying in the corner for weeks, or months it’s just cruelty to husbands.
I waited to have sex till I was married. It was a horrible experience for me. There was no affection or connection just pain and tears. Nine years later nothing changed. I hate it. I waited for nothing. I’m so sad and lonely and my husband just doesn’t care. When you grow up in a strict religious family and was told sex is for marriage you think that when you get married that every thing will be ok and will fall into place. God does not promise good intimacy in marriage. I’m learning this the hard way. I’m don’t deny him but I’m suffering and I’m trapped
I have been married for 2 and a half years. However we have not consummated our marriage. There are many reasons for that but the first and most important reason is… it hurts…. I don’t mean the usual pain that a woman has her first time…. I mean a pain that makes me want to throw up… It is physical but it is linked to psychological problems. In 2007 I was almost raped as I was on my way back from work. This ordeal has stayed with me since. I am working on making myself better for my husband. However here is reason number 2. My husband is an international student. In June 2011 he went back to our home country because my mother in law was really unwell. We were going to apply for a spouse visa but I could not get a job paying me enough to bring him back. I am also a student so going into full time means I cannot study or have to go into part time study. I got a full time job instead by taking a gap year. I worked for about 600 pounds per month. It was an international college and they shut down temporarily in December 2011. In January 2012 I went to my home country however just before that me and my husband had a serious argument. My anger reached its peak and I wrote to a friend in anger saying a lot of things I shouldn’t have said (but I said only in anger). My husband has my password so he read the message and got angry at me accusing me of being a cheat and a liar. I kept trying to explain to him that it was all out of anger (he DID cause the fight… the reason was that I never gave him time. I worked from 8:30 till 6 and sometimes 7 for a mere 600 pounds and when I get home I am exhausted. I rarely go out with friends to save money and I hardly call anyone. He kept saying I never gave him time and I didn’t love and that’s how the argument got serious in the first place.) So even though I tried to make him understand it was just out of anger he did not listen and started going on about divorce. I got to Bangladesh and we were ok for a while but had many fights even then. In February I came back to the UK and got another job. This one paid only 500 per month. It was full time babysitting (sometimes from 7:45am-7:00pm). It was private and I am not a registered childminder so I can only accept minimum pay. Again our problems started. I have a friend who is a guy and I spoke to him occasionally. He is the only man friend I have as I do not really speak to my male classmates outside of academia.
My husband has been hacking my computer and he obviously saw that I had spoken to him…. about 3-4 times. He started accusing me of cheating. It took me 3 whole months to make him realize I am not having an affair. However our problems got worse when our government decided to change the spouse visa laws. So I would have to show 18,500 pounds per month for 6 months. I couldn’t find a job like that. I would need a degree at least. So we could not apply. Finally we decided he should come back on a student visa. However his IELTS results were not acceptable and he had to redo them another 3 times. He just got his latest results back and he was not happy.
My husband is a very emotional man and quickly takes up the word suicide. And today he took it up again. I was trying to console him but he simply refused to listen. I got angry and started say that he shouldn’t have left in the first place. He started saying I should have worked better. We kept dredging up the past until he said he wanted a divorce. He has said that many times so I was unwilling to listen. However he is serious this time.
I am not writing to ask about whether I should divorce him or apply for annulment, I simply want to know if it is all my fault.
I agree with some of the commenters on here that a woman doesn’t “owe”her husband sex.
However, I do get tired of pretending I’m happy when i work 40-55 hours a week, doing all the laundry, dishes, and fixing all my own meals during the week, and breakfast on the weekend, and getting sex about 3 times a year. I’m a fan of swapping a certain favor and that’s happened once in the past two years.
Yes, she’s a stay at home wife with our two kids, but I’m getting tired of pretending I’m happy while getting treated like a peasant.
I agree. A wife shoudn’t withold from her husband but my husband brings it all on himself. We’ve been married for almost ten years now. I’ve given birth to our three kids. After our third, we chose to get the Mirena IUD as we can not afford any more babies. I’m pretty sure one of the side effects is weight gain and I’m sure me entering my thirties is also indicative of slowing metabolism. Anyway, I’ve always been thin and now I’m 145 lbs. Still thin but maybe a littlle on the chubby side and we haven’t worked out since August. So….. he picks on my weight. Tells me I’m fat and lazy (I’m a stay at home mom) with a part time job too but I’m far from lazy and I’m not fat… just more so out of shape. When he says things about my weight. I despise him, I have issues with my body anyway as I was molested for years by a close family member as a child. I’m very insecure about my body. I don’t even like him to see it in the light. He’s never been a very affectionate person and he’s a selfish lover. We have sex MAYBE once a week due to him working long hours and being tired and many times I can’t get our youngest to sleep when I need him to. So almost all the time, when we do finally have sex- he obviously finishes rather quickly and then does nothing to help me achieve anything. He just gets up like it’s no big deal, heads to the bathroom for a routine after-sex urination and it’s back to bed and off to sleep. All while I’m laying awake…. frustrated and feeling like taking care of it myself. He does this all the time. It’s to the point where I dont really feel like having sex because I know I’ll be left hangin’ and then I feel used. I was used as a child by my Grandpa, then in my early teens I began chasing sex with several different boys and ended up used then too, now….. I feel used by my husband. We’ve met with our pastors about him saying things about my weight but I’m unsure of weather or not to talk to them or if I’m supposed to get a sex counselor. My husband would never just sit and talk about this with me. We had a huge blowout today where he beat me up with words….. hours later he apologized and then he acts like I’m supposed to stand up, dust myself off, give him a passionate kiss and move on with my day like nothing happened. I feel as if I was beat up physically. I’m tired and really I just don’t feel like moving. He was trying to be so sweet tonight and while I wasn’t mean to him…. I wasn’t accepting of him in my heart. What do I do?
@Anonymous… thank you for your vulnerable comment. I am sorry for what you are going through. Very heartbreaking.
Here are a few posts that may be helpful…
https://intimacyinmarriage.com/2012/07/20/difficult-marriage-what-should-you-do/
https://intimacyinmarriage.com/2012/05/08/crappy-marriage-what-if-it-doesnt-get-better/
At any rate, you need good support. I would encourage you to find a safe Christian woman who will pray with you, pray for your marriage, listen without judgment and simply be a good friend as you journey this difficult place.
I agree with your message and the 5 points. 9 out of 10 of my friends wives do not have healthy sexual relationships with their husbands after marriage and especially after kids. The lucky 1% has nothing to worry about. However, the 99% do not understand how important it is to a husband to be physically and emotionally connected to their wife. All of the women were very active prior to getting married which makes it so much worse from an expectation perspective. So what does this mean, it means that the first somewhat attractive women to flirt or hit on me or just about any man that has been ignored we go for it. The funny thing is my wife thinks everything is just fine even though I tell her I am not fulfilled. She just calls me a nasty individual and other names. She did not call me those things when we were dating, I can assure you of that. I ended up trolling the internet and starting a relationship with a younger women for booty call sessions that are mutually beneficial. I would divorce my wife but am waiting until our kids are older. Then I am going to divorce her. All I have to say is most womene are scheming and manipulative during the dating and courting phase of a relaitonship and completely change once they marry you and once they have kids it becomes unbearable. They act so nice and bubbly in public but are (expletive) and negative, depressed nags behind closed doors. Most of them seem to need to take depression pills and sleeping pills because their heads are so messed up.
I didn’t see any scriptures, are there any you can recommend about sex & marriage?
Thank you @Virginia… I definitely can offer some scriptures.
Read 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 as well as the entire book of Song of Songs, of which the most common interpretation is that it is an allegorical and metaphorical description of sexual intimacy between a husband and wife. Also see Proverbs 5:15-19.
There are more, but these are good places to start.
Thank you so much! God bless 😉
you know, i do agree with author of this article to a certain extent.
but i think it is important to remember if there is something wrong with the sex life and your wife is denying you sex, instead of shifting the entire responsibility to the wife, and go ” oh well, all she need to do is say yes, how hard is that?”
rather it would be good for the couple to sit down together and figure out what is going on, “honestly”.
for example ,i know one impediment towards a good sex life is weight issues, esp obesity.
i know, because i struggle with weight issues myself, and frankly, i can not say i blame my wife for want to get intimate with me less often because of it.
dont get me wrong, i am not bashing people with weight issues, let face it, in western society the number of people who are overweight is staggering. While i do believe this is a personal issue, and if a person is happy with being overweight or obese, it is their choice and no one elses. however, this does not apply to their spouse as their spouse are the ones who have to get intimate with them, and i do believe they have to take their spouse’s feeling into consideration in those matters.
you know, as a Christian, i do think it is important for us not to have this ” have your cake and eat it too” mentatliy. As i believe this type of mentality is agaisnt scriptural teaching ” one reap what one sow” ie self resp.
you cant expect to “not have to” take care of yourself and still expect to have your spouse desire you in the same way.
obviously there are exceptions, as many people many struggle with weight issues because of medical problems etc etc
and yes, losing weight is not easy ( i should know), it does requires sacrifises etc etc
but like i said, it is completely and utterly irresponsible for a Christian to have this “have your cake and eat it mentality”.
you have to make a decision which is more important to you and willing to give up on something else.
that is just how life works.
we are not children, and we need to stop behave like children walking into a candy store and think it is ok to want/demand/entitled to every single type of candy he can see.
and no, i am not talking about wife having a body of a supermodel or husband having a ab of steel, i am merely talking about looking healthy and reasonably slim.
so yes, if a husband want their wife to find them attractive but know they are carrrying a huge spare tyre in the middle, need to stop shifting the entire resp to their wife and start exercising.
anyway, if you love your spouse, then i would you would want to put in some work into looking attractive for them!
Lady I don’t know who you are, but you should wright a book you would save a lot of christian marriager.I for one am not a sex mad animal. You are spot on when you say that most men would not play up if they were happy with there wife’s sexualy. For men like me it’s a stress release and it’s showing your wife love. You are one special lady wish you could speak to my wife before I leave. God bless you. Sam
I stumbled upon this article when doing a general search on “What to do when your fiancee cry’s after being denied sex” . While your article doesn’t apply to my situation. So far there has been two situations where he wakes me up at 2, 3, or 4 in the morning to have sex (on a workday) and I say something like “Fine, I’m awake, lets do this.” Or, “come on lets get this over with” to which his response is to role over and shed silent tears- which then makes me feel horrible and apologetic.)Other than the early morning requests I haven’t denied him intimacy or sex. I often initiate as well. I just wish that he would realize that I am not trying to hurt him.. I’m just not at my best when woken up by my nipples being pinched or his hand down my PJ pants. This is where I am looking for advice 🙂
Anyways, the point of this post is I really enjoyed the read. I feel as if reading this has educated me slightly and I will be a better wife for it.
I came across this article, so to speak, by “accident” but this has proved to be a very good “accident” indeed. The article and many of the subsequent comments and responses etc are very educative and inspiring while others make for sad reading. We have a lot of challenges in our Christian marriages but this is the way to go Julie, i.e. to bring out the issues and talk about them so frankly and openly. God bless you richly for this. I have forwarded the article to several friends and I trust they’ll be blessed by it too.
What is a woman to do if she has over the last 5 years, been to doctor after doctor and ask what to do about 0% sex drive? I have no desire for it what so ever. However, I do it for the mercy of my husband. To keep him here with me. But I hate it. It’s all because I have no sexual desire. I didn’t choose this. So do you have any advise on this matter? When I go to the doctors and approch them with this issue, all they say is, there is no miracle pill and if I only knew how many women come to him/her with this same issue. Well, I am only worried about this woman and sooner or later, my husband will venture elsewhere for the romance. I need any and all advise you may have for me.
@cindy… I’m sorry for what you are experiencing with low/no sexual desire. Have your doctors done hormonal testing to see what your testosterone levels are? Both men and women have testosterone (of course men have it in much higher levels), but it is a hormone that is key in desire. If your level is low, doctors can prescribe supplements. You would need to talk to a doctor first though.
My other question is are you experiencing orgasm when you and your husband are sexually active? If you are not experiencing pleasure, it may be helpful for you and your husband to explore this… meaning really understanding your body so that you know what it will take for you to climax. Sex without pleasure really begins to feel chore-like, so if you are not experiencing pleasure, that could be a contributing factor as to your non-existent desire.
Another suggestion I have is to really nurture your friendship… I know that sounds silly, but the more you can strengthen your relationship outside of bed, the more likely it is you will have increased desire in bed.
Lastly, I would say have sex more often. I know that seems like a lot of work if you don’t like it at all right now, but for many couples, the more they have sex, the more they see what a vital part it is of their relationship.
I hope some of this is helpful. I encourage you to pray and not give up on finding solutions. Your marriage and you and your husband are all worth it!
Thanks to ALL for sharing your experience to let many of us know that we are together in this undesirable state.
My wife of 18 years told me she doesn’t need sex and she can achieve orgasm by herself if she needs it. I’ve always gave her orgasm first before its my turn no matter how much time and effort it needs from me. There’s many patches of sexless of varying periods from weeks to years in our marriage. It only seems to have gotten worst. In addition, there’s lots of verbal accusation and bullying. She always have something to say about everything in mostly not-so-good way for the recipients. We went for Christian counseling and when suggested that we work on our communication, she said there’s nothing wrong with her communication. I’ve lost confidence of holding on any longer.
Thanks for ur post. I am a christian n knows all that the bible says about marriage ‘wives submitng’ to their husbands. At first, i thought i could work on it but, it’s almost becomng a problem to me. What do u do when most of the time, there’s little or no foreplay,n once he penetrates b4 u say ‘jack robinson’ he’s reach orgasm, dozing off n leavng u to masturbate/finger urself to release the tension? I ve talked to him on hw i want 2 be handled on bed especialy d romance aspect bt to no avail. Its realy frustratng n has made me to begin to lose my lubido n interest in sex. For all the 5-6 times of sex in a week,i go unsatisfied n most at times angry. We have 1 child,stil young n ful of energy to b exploit in fun makng bt, lately,he cant even go twice. So, wat do i do?
I am not christian, not even close… My wife has been withholding for a long, long time. It started years ago when I went to her to report that a friend of hers approached me with offers of sex. She was a short Japanese christian who must have liked tall white guys.
Three or four years later, another friend of hers visited our home and used our computer to bid on an eBay auction for video duplication equipment. Turns out (after reviewing the eBay history) she was dealing porn and she just happened to be a baptist pastor’s wife in Las Vegas (under the Southern Nevada Baptist Association). I reported that to my wife and she chose the BPW’s wife over me on who to side with. Months later, the pastor’s wife flashed me by lifting her mini-skirt, showing me her breasts and put her fingers in my posterior crack. I have since learned that, culturally, you cannot tell a Japanese wife things like this. Amazing to me is that the Japanese who are christians seem to be the most morally-challenged.
I have since developed prostate issues at the age of 41. My urologist suggested I “take care” of my issue by becoming active again.
I do not have the money to afford “taking care” of it. I cannot afford a divorce, but vengeance will be mine. I have blood in my urine and semen, I experience pain daily and I am starting to experience bumps on my bones in various places. I am not getting any treatment. My punishment to her will be my withering away and dying on her.
I embarrass her by outwardly criticizing christians and christianity. I have explained to my children that christianity is an excuse to do bad things because they have some make-believe thing to “forgive” them.
If there were ever a chance for me to save a bus full of christians or do nothing and let them die… My decision has been made. Being unable to work, I now devote my energy to putting christian businesses under.
well said…
@Former Henderson GVR… Thank you for your raw honesty in your comment. I am deeply saddened by what you’ve experienced in your marriage.
I can assure you, though, that despite your negative experience with some Christians, not all Christians are like what you have described. In your reference to the bus load of Christians, I imagine in such a scenario, on that bus would indeed be people who humbly followed the Lord, loved their neighbor as themselves, fed the poor, took care of the weak and loved compassionately in their marriages.
My prayers do go out to you that you would encounter the love of Christ in such a way that you will see how deeply He does care about you and your life, even if the people around you (including your wife) have been so incredibly careless in showing you the same compassion.