marriage problems, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
Do Good Girls Have the Best Sex?!
Mar
Yes!
Good girls do have the best sex!
Want to know more?
Invest in yourself and your marriage and snag a copy of Sheila Wray Gregoire‘s new book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex (aff. link).
I’m so glad Sheila, such a genuine voice on this topic, has put her insights to paper with this new book.
And I’m giving a copy away! (A shout out to Sheila’s publicist Jennifer for thinking of you, my readers, and sending me a giveaway copy.)
Below is a question and answer session I did with Sheila about the book.
My questions are in bold blue, and Sheila’s answers follow.
At the end I’ll tell you how you can have a chance to win the copy Jennifer sent me.
I genuinely think you’ll appreciate Sheila, a woman who feels like a friend — someone who wouldn’t care if your house was messy and would sit down at your kitchen table, enjoy a hot cup of coffee and REALLY talk about sex. Is it no wonder I like this woman?
There are increasingly a number of Christian books on sexual intimacy in marriage. What are a few ways your book stands apart?
Before I was married someone gave me a book about sex in marriage. I read it in the bathtub, and it made me so mad I held it under the water until it drowned.
And then I dumped it in the garbage.
Why did I feel so homicidal towards a book?
It was all about how to make your wedding night work like clockwork, explaining what to do so that you’d have an orgasm. And it felt so choreographed. It was so much pressure!
I was young, inexperienced, and scared. I wanted some reassurance that sex was nothing to be scared about, and that I could relax and things would work out. Instead I felt like I was going to have to write a test afterwards to make sure I got everything right.
By the way, the book didn’t work. My wedding night was lousy!
But I’ve been married for 20 years now, and what I’ve found is that sex gets so much better. And one of the things that makes sex so stupendous is that it’s not just physical–it’s also emotional and spiritual, too.
It’s deeply intimate. That’s what I wanted to understand.
In the early years of my marriage when things weren’t working like clockwork, I yearned for a big sister who I could sit down with and ask real questions. But I didn’t have a big sister. And it seems like most of the books written about sex for Christians were either written by couples or were written by men.
I thought it was about time that a woman wrote a book that told it like it is.
And so I’ve tried to write a “chatty” book that talks about sex from a woman’s perspective, and lets it all hang out!
Never fear, though. I don’t pressure anyone to achieve some magical high or else they feel like they’ve “failed.” Instead, I try to present sex as a journey.
Don’t judge it by every single encounter. You have a lifetime to grow together! So relax, have fun, and get to know each other in a whole new way.
One thing that’s interesting about the research I did for my book: I asked people to rate their wedding nights in terms of how good the sex was. And then I asked them to rate their sex lives now. And having a lousy wedding night made absolutely no difference–absolutely none–on the quality of the sex people enjoy now.
So the message that my book gives women is “relax! Let what happens, happen. The amazing thing is that now you get to know each other in every way–physically, emotionally, and spiritually. So revel in that–not in whether or not you can try every position and achieve simultaneous orgasms in your first year together.”
What do you most enjoy about speaking and writing about sex?
This may sound weird, but I know you’ll understand this, Julie. I like saying the stuff that everybody else is too scared to say.
My husband and I speak at marriage conferences, and we always do the “sex” talk. And I have these comedy routines I do about what often runs through a women’s brain while she’s making love. And everybody roars with laughter, because we all know it, but no one talks about it.
Or else everyone’s scared to talk about the things that people are actually thinking about and wondering about, like sex toys, or oral sex, or different positions, or why can’t I orgasm? It doesn’t bother me to say those words out loud (though I admit it took a little bit of practice when I started).
But I find the reception is one of overwhelming relief. We have this idea that everyone in the church is such a prude that they’ll wilt if they hear the word “clitoris.”
But it’s not true.
Christians may be private, but we’re not prudes. And most Christians crave real information about sex that isn’t tainted by our culture’s warped view of what’s okay. I love filling that role.
Why do you personally think Christian married couples should be the biggest advocates for sex? How can we do more to ensure upcoming generations better appreciate and nurture sex in their marriages than possibly previous generations have?
Christian married couples have the best sex!
The tagline for my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, is “and you thought bad girls had more fun.”
We have this warped idea that the Kim Kardashians of the world are the ones enjoying sex the most, but according to my survey (which confirms what others have said), it’s actually the church secretary who lives down the street, puttering in her garden, who may be carrying an extra forty pounds, but she’s been married to the same guy for 22 years.
When we listen to God’s design for sex, we have amazing sex.
And I think the primary reason is because we know it’s not just physical. An orgasm is great; but to make an orgasm really intense doesn’t involve something with batteries.
It just involves understanding that sex also unites you spiritually and emotionally, and when you feel that deep, intimate oneness with another person, there’s nothing else like it.
The reason our culture has such problems with sex, and why they’re always trying to push the envelope, is because all they have is the physical. Take sex out of the context of a committed relationship, and it becomes only about the body.
But it’s so much more than that. They’ve made it so shallow, and because of that they’ve wrecked it for so many people.
We need to be telling people, “You want to have great sex? Wait for marriage, and then have lots of it!” That’s the recipe for an amazing sex life.
THANK YOU Sheila for your wisdom and willingness to walk where God has called you in speaking up and writing about sex.
I encourage wives to glean from this book and recognize how you can embrace all that sexual intimacy can mean for you and your marriage.
Want a chance to win the free copy?!
Simply comment on this post by answering this question: “Why is it so important for Christians to become the BEST advocates for nurtured sexual intimacy in marriage?”
(I moderate my comments, so if it doesn’t show up right away, please be patient). Be sure to leave a legitimate email address — it won’t publish publically, but I’ll have to have a way to reach you if you win.
At 9 p.m. Central time on Wednesday, March 14, I’ll randomly pick a number from the number of comments I receive on the post. The comment that lines up with the number I pick is the winner! **** UPDATE: Winner of the drawing for the free book was Darcy! Thank you for all the comments below… please read them and share them!
To buy the book, visit The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex (aff. link).
Thanks again Sheila!
Copyright 2012, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
I would love to win this book.
My marriage has been going through a rough patch of infedility. It has not stopped yet but im still in prayer. Maybe I can learn how to be intimate all over again. I blamed myself for so long and was told that I should not.
Heb_13:4 Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled;
Jas_1:17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.
Php_4:8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
I think we should be the best advocates because that nurtured intimacy is what holds a marriage together. When the world is coming down on us, and trying to come between us, we have to have a bond that goes deeper than outside forces can generate. And it’s clearly getting harder and harder to maintain that bond. Between television, video games, other women and the internet offering all kinds of distraction, and all denigrating the value of marriage, if we don’t have that solid commitment within us our marriage is not going to make it.
Satan, or the world if you prefer that, is trying harder than ever to destroy relationships, children, and everything that is good and pure. The fact that the divorce rate in the church is the same as outside the church shows that we are under attack – we are subject to destruction. But all evidence points to the fact that children grow into better adults, more upright, more self sufficient, more willing to be work hard and to work together and to help others, if they come from solid loving 2-parent homes. I don’t mean to denigrate anyone who is raising children alone – may God increase your wisdom, love and guidance toward you and your families – but child-rearing was established as a 2-parent job, and it just works better that way. Building that bond with husband and wife that goes deeper than just physical sex is crucial to being at peace and of one accord for that task.
My husband and I have struggled with our sex life. I was going into menopause, and he was 30 when we married. My desire dropped like a rock shortly after we joined, and we have to fight to build that intimacy, but after 12 years, I am still convinced it’s important to keeping us loving each other when there’s so much conflict around us. We work at it – and it’s only through these blogs and internet newsletters that I realized others do struggle – it’s awkward and not always satisfying for both of us. But we are talking more, loving more, and not quitting. Because we are worth it.
Thank you for being willing to lay it out there.
It is important so the world knows that married sex is the best sex. It connects you and your spouse on so many levels. we must take time to educate and nurture those who are crying out for help. For anything to grow it must be nurtured and loved.
Wow. Great interview and really great information. We’ve got to make sure our kids know that the world’s way is broken, it’s not the fun and glamorous system they make it look like, that it really is the married couple doing things God’s way that have the best lives and the best sex. Thanks.
Why is it so important for Christians to become the BEST advocates for nurtured sexual intimacy in marriage?
Because marriage is a picture of Christ and his bride the church. It is important for us as Christians to be a replica of this perfect union by remaining pure, staying intimate, and nurturing that intimacy.
God designed sex as a gift to (married) man and woman. Because of this truth we need to make sure that the next generation (especially our own children) don’t view sex as dirty. “Sex” was always the “dirty word” growing up, and I had a hard time getting that out of my mindset when I became married to a wonderful Christian man. I don’t want that for my children! They will know that, within the confines of marriage, sex is a beautiful and wonderful expression of love!
Q: Why is it so important for Christians to become the BEST advocates for nurtured sexual intimacy in marriage?
I think it has been answered by you and Sheila very well,and all the comments posted. I don’t know what to add. Keep up the great work.
Love your heart for marriage.
We have to become the best advocates for nurtured sexual intimacy in marriage because…
If we don’t there will be marriages that suffer without this connection; there will be wives like me who cried and wondered why this aspect of her marriage seemed so broken; there will be husbands like mine who are truly patient and understanding but carried in a corner of their minds “when???”
As Christians we are bound to be transparent for each other and this is one way to do so. Also, we can take back what God created exclusively for us.
Q: Why is it so important for Christians to become the BEST advocates for nurtured sexual intimacy in marriage?
As Christians, we should be the BEST advocates for sex since it was God’s design. I have a long ways to go on this, I would love a copy of this book.
Christian women must set the standard in today’s world. We must show young girls that they can serve God and have a great married life. The most important part of marriage is having a relationship with Him first and then everything else falls into place.
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I love God and I love my hiusband of 25 years in May. God has played a huge part in my marriage. This books sounds great. God bless you!
My husband & I both feel that as Christians, it’s time to take sex back from the enemy & be a model & advocate for the amazing gift God designed for married couples!
We need to be advocates for nurtured sexual intimacy in marriage for our kids. I love my mom, but she didn’t really prepare me for that aspect of marriage. Both my husband and I want to do a better job with our kids, currently 10 and 13. We’ve had discussions with them already about sex and will continue to do so. I hope they both have an easier time learning to enjoy their sexuality when they get married.
Sex between a husband and a wife is designed by God to be good. The world has made it something else.
This book sounds like a great read.
jenbrandes(at)gmail(dot)com
We should be the best advocates for healthy marriages, and intimacy is a key component. The world tells our young people that if their lives are not like the movies, some kind of “happily ever after” fairy tale, then there is something wrong with them. I think if Christians would make a positive effort to address the realities of all aspects of marriage, we could counteract some of the unrealistic expectations and fears of making a lifetime commitment.
“Why is it so important for Christians to become the BEST advocates for nurtured sexual intimacy in marriage?”
Sex! What monster is bigger than sex?! Talk of Tsunami and you talk of sex! Talk of power that defies humanity and it’s sex. The Bishops and the Clergy are no big game. It knows no King/President. It knows no generational gap. It knows no racial boundaries neither social status.Talk of HIV/Aids, divorce, promiscuity, etc. and you can not ignore sex. Amazingly sex is a perfect gift by the Awesome God. Then, nurtured sexual intimacy in marriage becomes the very hope of the world. The basic unit of the world is the family which begins with the husband/wife. If a war head misses the target by the head, then the tail will not. So is un-nurtured sexual intimacy. A couple who have nurtured sexual intimacy not only becomes a safe haven for the children but the right values about sex are imparted if not deliberately by default!
Sex is a gift from God that is to be treasured.
I believe that we should be advocates for great sex so that our sons and daughters will understand the reasons to wait for marriage, so that their physical relationships with their spouses will not be hampered as those of the previous generation, from lack of communication, fear, etc. That is what I want for my sons.
Because Christians are indwelled with God the Holy Spirit, and God designed sex and gave it as a gift for married couples (one man married to one woman). And the Holy Spirit in us bears witness to the truth about everything, very much including the truth about sex. As we let God renew our minds and are prayerfully taking every thought captive we gain understanding about sex and sexuality and can share that with others.
Because Christians are indwelled with God the Holy Spirit, and God designed sex and gave it as a gift for married couples (one man married to one woman). And the Holy Spirit in us bears witness to the truth about everything, very much including the truth about sex. As we let God renew our minds and are prayerfully taking every thought captive we gain understanding about sex and sexuality and can share that with others. And we can teach our kids that sex is not a god (like it is to porn addicts), and it’s not gross. It’s a gift from God to married people.
God designed sex for the marriage relationship with a true understanding of what love is…since unbelievers cannot fully understand and outpour a love that believers can, Christian marriage partners have such a great responsibility to teach the facts for true intimacy within Christ’s church, and DROWN OUT the world.
“Why is it so important for Christians to become the BEST advocates for nurtured sexual intimacy in marriage?”
What’s the point in being a light when the most important parts aren’t shining? 😉
It’s the hard but important stuff in life that shows, to unbelievers and our kids the most, whether we really have substance to our talk.
I think it is important because both the unsaved and Christians who do not truly know God and His precepts do not understand how wonderful and amazing lovemaking within the bounds of marriage CAN BE. Sadly, the world at large seems to have the idea that as Christians we must do without things that are enjoyable when in fact God wants us to enjoy our spouses to the fullest. Another very important reason is that it keeps us connected and fulfilled with a bond that will keep us from even thinking about being unfaithful even during difficult seasons.
“Why is it so important for Christians to become the BEST advocates for nurtured sexual intimacy in marriage?”
~I truly believe that marriage is to reflect Christ’s relationship with His bride (the Church). We as Christian married couples are to experience total oneness with each other with God as our central focus. I think God made this strictly for marriage because anything outside that does not accurately represent God’s relationship with the Church.
I think Christians should be the best advocates for great sex because marriage is the ultimate picture of the gospel of Jesus…laying down our lives for one another and living in oneness. The gospel is in danger of being maligned if we are not diligent in exemplifying Christ in ALL things. Would love to win this book!
Thank you so much for your wonderful website. As a Christian man (married 20 yrs) and church leader I have found your posts very valuable for me personally and as a tool to help me counsel other marrieds and enrich their lives in ways that are so important. it’s a blessing to have you & others like you that can shine a light on healthy attitudes towards sex in marriage. you are a blessing.
God loves His kids! He wants to bless us, obedience leads to His blessing in our lives! God’s Word is full of instructions on love and blessings that God wants to pour down on us. Great sex is one of those wonderful blessings He has for a man and a woman who are married! Forty years of great married sex! What a blessing!!!
Hi, Thanks for the interview, sounds like this book is right on the money and something that I can learn so much about..
“Why is it so important for Christians to become the BEST advocates for nurtured sexual intimacy in marriage?”
It is so funny you ask, this morning I was reading Matthew 11:28-30 where Jesus calls out to people who are burdened and weary. Before Christ that is exactly where I was, I was afraid of sex, afraid of all the diseases out there and afraid of truly being my self in a relationship. Being married to a Christian I have been able to experience what Jesus was talking about, I trust my husband but most importantly I trust God enough to be as emotionally and spiritually connected with my husband as I can. The world claims that you can have sex with no strings attached and that is supposed to be such a thrill but when I really think about it, waking up next to a man that you bearly know is definetly thrilling but more in the “I know what you did last summer” kind of way. I know that sex within the warm hearth of a marriage is not only beautiful but is also protected, safe, and fulfilling. As Christians we need to be a light to the world because married sex is where it’s at!!.
1. Because it will help Christian married and engaged couples have an exciting sex life to look forward too
2. Because teaching our kids to not have sex before marriage is one thing, but teaching our kids that Great sex comes AFTER marriage gives them a totally different perspective on waiting.
I’m passionate about mentoring and investing in young girls, and so my mind automatically goes to “if I, as a Christian woman, can be an advocate for sexual intimacy within marriage, how great can my influence be on young girls to save themselves for their husbands!?” Playing a role in a young lady’s life and having enough influence for even just ONE christian gal to believe she’s worth the wait and that sex in marriage can be totally hot, it will be worth any discomfort I have to endure to speak boldly about the oneness and beauty found within marital sex!
Christians should be advocates for a lot of important things in life! Sex is so misunderstood by our culture that Christians need to set an example of a healthy sex life. Thanks for all your work!!
Because God designed sex to be a blessing! And no one (in my church) really talks about that. But we need to. For the sake of our marriages and our kids and a world that is watching to see if Jesus really makes a difference in our lives and marriages.
The old lie told about sex is taboo just doesn’t fly. Kids figure out that sex is fun. So we have to acknowledge that and promote the best sex as married sex and that it’s worth waiting for.
Would be another great resource. Thank you for having this blog. I’ve learned a lot.
Because right now (or at least when I was a teen 15 years ago), the idea of “just say no” was really big in Christian circles. It was so ingrained in me, it took years and an almost failed marriage before I finally began to understand the true beauty and amazingness of sex…I’m still learning. The ideas about sex presented in society (tv, movies, etc.) are so skewed, there’s really no other place for kids to learn the Truth.
…just another thought. yes Christians SHOULD be the advocates for married sex. And yes the world’s take on sex is broken. But the church’s take on sex is broken too. Telling young folks that they simply need to wait for marriage to have the best sex life possible falls so short of the message that they need to hear that its almost deceitful.
…and it doesn’t just get better and better. It can go from ok to worse and worse if it isn’t made a priority, even in an otherwise good marriage. How many times have we heard that the sex life all but disappeared after the kids arrived? Its so common its a cliche. Sex in a christian marriage Has to be a HIGH priority. It needs to be on the list of MUST DOs not “desirable but optional.”
Young folks need to be taught that sex in a christian marriage is right, good, expected, beautiful, frequent and mandatory. (see 1 Cor 7)
And the mandatory part can’t be left out. Sex is a beautiful obligation of marriage, just as loving your spouse is a beautiful obligation. Just as taking care of your children is a beautiful obligation. Just as loving God is a beautiful obligation that we are commanded to do.
Personal note: My wife and I had a beautiful courtship. met in church. madly in love. best friends etc. Very romantic. we never talked about what we expected from a sex life after marriage.
I believe her assumption was that sex would just “flow”. That we would have sex when we felt like it or on special occasions etc. Well, after we both started working full time, even before kids, she never felt like it even though she thought it was wonderful when we actually did have sex. she was never in the mood and I didn’t want to push too hard. It was like that for 17 years and got worse and worse. we are best friends. she has always thought our marriage was wonderful, but I was miserable. (It has gotten better, but it took a lot of work over the past 3.5 years…)
Because it gives hope and encouragement both to those who are married and to those who are waiting for marriage. Both my husband and I are in a second-time-around marriage and chose to not have sex in between marriages, to the bafflement of most of our friends. The beliefs that a) God commanded abstinence outside of marriage and b) sex is best in a loving, committed marriage helped us to wait for marriage. Now the belief that sex grows better over years of marriage gives us something to look forward to, even when times get rough!
Why should we be advocates? Look at the old rugged CROSS that’s why. The world does not know that true love is sacrificial ( the CROSS). JESUS did it for us so that we can do it for others especially the spouse that GOD have us. How as Christians can we be a light and a picture of the GOSPEL yet be so selfish in this aspect of our lives behind closed doors were JESUS still watches over us and knows our hearts. How can we not glorify GOD in our bodies to our spouse. Does JESUS deserve your best or left overs. Does your spouse that has denied every other person on the planet that right. We get to not have to. We get to worship GOD in this way. We get to because he EMPTIED himself on the CROSS which was for us.
Just got married February 20th. I think this book sounds like a wonderful way to begin – and one that will never be outdated.
Julie, so is the popularity of this blog entry because you are giving somethimg away based on your contest, or is it because of the topic. 82 responses, that has got to be a record for you. I really do hope it is because of the topic. Wouldn’t it be great if you had this kind of response on your other blog entries. Nicely done.
Seems like I have run across a book of similar nature a few years ago…??
Looking forward to winning? thanks.
At which point is it acceptable for a christian couple to use sexual toys to satisfy themselves when making love?
Would love this book to read myself and share with friends. As a women’s health nurse I get asked all the “sex questions”. So I love great resources!
It is important for Christians to be the best supporters of intimacy in marriage because the media repeatedly promotes promiscuity and sex outside of marriage. In movies, sex outside of marriage is promoted as ok when biblically it is a sin. We as married Christians should have the best sex of all and should help promote healthy sex between husbands and wives!
Christians really should be the best advocates for sex. Sex in the context of a committed, marriage relationship is what God wanted for us. He wanted us to know each other in every intimate way. I’d love to have a copy of this book as I’m getting married in May and I am so excited to live my whole life with my husband and get to know him in every way.
This book sounds like something I should read! After a couple of decades of marriage, and a few children, I haven’t found my mojo yet…would love some Christ centered tips on positive sexuality.
God’s way is always the best way and if his followers don’t show how amazing sex can be in the right framework then there is no way for the world to find out. As Sheila says with only the body it might feel good but with your whole heart, soul and mind it can be so much more wonderful and it doesn’t matter how you look or how expert your are just that you’re with the one you love.
Sex was designed by God. It’s amazing when enjoyed the way HE intended. People should know what their missing out on when they don’t play by the rules!
“Why is it so important for Christians to become the BEST advocates for nurtured sexual intimacy in marriage?”
I think it is important because we don’t just advocate sex, we advocate the whole intimate relationship. As a Christian we are to be an example to others and I think that includes sexual intimacy.
There is such safety in married sex. It sounds horribly boring, but for so many of the college women I work with, sex is a very insecure thing. Like Sheila talked about, what these young ladies see everyday on TV in their favorite shows are example after example of failed, sexually-involved relationships that had no stability or commitment. I just finished watching all 7 seasons of Gilmore Girls, a show several of my students love and adore, and I have never wanted to throw something at my TV as often as I did with that show. There was NO security in their relationships, little honesty, and no sticking power, so they end up frequently hurt and wondering what happened. It breaks my heart that we so quickly believe relationships and sex have to be like that. I am so thankful God has a better plan!! (And I’m excited to hear what all Sheila has to say in her book! :))
Christian marriages should be the advocates, because the world needs to see that sex is intended for marriage and sex can be explosive and exciting and safe by doing it the way God has desinged it to be with one man and one woman full of pleasure. Being a christian is rewarding,and christians know how to have fun too 🙂