marriage problems, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
Do Good Girls Have the Best Sex?!
Mar
Yes!
Good girls do have the best sex!
Want to know more?
Invest in yourself and your marriage and snag a copy of Sheila Wray Gregoire‘s new book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex (aff. link).
I’m so glad Sheila, such a genuine voice on this topic, has put her insights to paper with this new book.
And I’m giving a copy away! (A shout out to Sheila’s publicist Jennifer for thinking of you, my readers, and sending me a giveaway copy.)
Below is a question and answer session I did with Sheila about the book.
My questions are in bold blue, and Sheila’s answers follow.
At the end I’ll tell you how you can have a chance to win the copy Jennifer sent me.
I genuinely think you’ll appreciate Sheila, a woman who feels like a friend — someone who wouldn’t care if your house was messy and would sit down at your kitchen table, enjoy a hot cup of coffee and REALLY talk about sex. Is it no wonder I like this woman?
There are increasingly a number of Christian books on sexual intimacy in marriage. What are a few ways your book stands apart?
Before I was married someone gave me a book about sex in marriage. I read it in the bathtub, and it made me so mad I held it under the water until it drowned.
And then I dumped it in the garbage.
Why did I feel so homicidal towards a book?
It was all about how to make your wedding night work like clockwork, explaining what to do so that you’d have an orgasm. And it felt so choreographed. It was so much pressure!
I was young, inexperienced, and scared. I wanted some reassurance that sex was nothing to be scared about, and that I could relax and things would work out. Instead I felt like I was going to have to write a test afterwards to make sure I got everything right.
By the way, the book didn’t work. My wedding night was lousy!
But I’ve been married for 20 years now, and what I’ve found is that sex gets so much better. And one of the things that makes sex so stupendous is that it’s not just physical–it’s also emotional and spiritual, too.
It’s deeply intimate. That’s what I wanted to understand.
In the early years of my marriage when things weren’t working like clockwork, I yearned for a big sister who I could sit down with and ask real questions. But I didn’t have a big sister. And it seems like most of the books written about sex for Christians were either written by couples or were written by men.
I thought it was about time that a woman wrote a book that told it like it is.
And so I’ve tried to write a “chatty” book that talks about sex from a woman’s perspective, and lets it all hang out!
Never fear, though. I don’t pressure anyone to achieve some magical high or else they feel like they’ve “failed.” Instead, I try to present sex as a journey.
Don’t judge it by every single encounter. You have a lifetime to grow together! So relax, have fun, and get to know each other in a whole new way.
One thing that’s interesting about the research I did for my book: I asked people to rate their wedding nights in terms of how good the sex was. And then I asked them to rate their sex lives now. And having a lousy wedding night made absolutely no difference–absolutely none–on the quality of the sex people enjoy now.
So the message that my book gives women is “relax! Let what happens, happen. The amazing thing is that now you get to know each other in every way–physically, emotionally, and spiritually. So revel in that–not in whether or not you can try every position and achieve simultaneous orgasms in your first year together.”
What do you most enjoy about speaking and writing about sex?
This may sound weird, but I know you’ll understand this, Julie. I like saying the stuff that everybody else is too scared to say.
My husband and I speak at marriage conferences, and we always do the “sex” talk. And I have these comedy routines I do about what often runs through a women’s brain while she’s making love. And everybody roars with laughter, because we all know it, but no one talks about it.
Or else everyone’s scared to talk about the things that people are actually thinking about and wondering about, like sex toys, or oral sex, or different positions, or why can’t I orgasm? It doesn’t bother me to say those words out loud (though I admit it took a little bit of practice when I started).
But I find the reception is one of overwhelming relief. We have this idea that everyone in the church is such a prude that they’ll wilt if they hear the word “clitoris.”
But it’s not true.
Christians may be private, but we’re not prudes. And most Christians crave real information about sex that isn’t tainted by our culture’s warped view of what’s okay. I love filling that role.
Why do you personally think Christian married couples should be the biggest advocates for sex? How can we do more to ensure upcoming generations better appreciate and nurture sex in their marriages than possibly previous generations have?
Christian married couples have the best sex!
The tagline for my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, is “and you thought bad girls had more fun.”
We have this warped idea that the Kim Kardashians of the world are the ones enjoying sex the most, but according to my survey (which confirms what others have said), it’s actually the church secretary who lives down the street, puttering in her garden, who may be carrying an extra forty pounds, but she’s been married to the same guy for 22 years.
When we listen to God’s design for sex, we have amazing sex.
And I think the primary reason is because we know it’s not just physical. An orgasm is great; but to make an orgasm really intense doesn’t involve something with batteries.
It just involves understanding that sex also unites you spiritually and emotionally, and when you feel that deep, intimate oneness with another person, there’s nothing else like it.
The reason our culture has such problems with sex, and why they’re always trying to push the envelope, is because all they have is the physical. Take sex out of the context of a committed relationship, and it becomes only about the body.
But it’s so much more than that. They’ve made it so shallow, and because of that they’ve wrecked it for so many people.
We need to be telling people, “You want to have great sex? Wait for marriage, and then have lots of it!” That’s the recipe for an amazing sex life.
THANK YOU Sheila for your wisdom and willingness to walk where God has called you in speaking up and writing about sex.
I encourage wives to glean from this book and recognize how you can embrace all that sexual intimacy can mean for you and your marriage.
Want a chance to win the free copy?!
Simply comment on this post by answering this question: “Why is it so important for Christians to become the BEST advocates for nurtured sexual intimacy in marriage?”
(I moderate my comments, so if it doesn’t show up right away, please be patient). Be sure to leave a legitimate email address — it won’t publish publically, but I’ll have to have a way to reach you if you win.
At 9 p.m. Central time on Wednesday, March 14, I’ll randomly pick a number from the number of comments I receive on the post. The comment that lines up with the number I pick is the winner! **** UPDATE: Winner of the drawing for the free book was Darcy! Thank you for all the comments below… please read them and share them!
To buy the book, visit The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex (aff. link).
Thanks again Sheila!
Copyright 2012, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
I’d love to win this! My copy just came in the mail but I’d love one to pass on to my soon-to-be sister-in-law!
I think we should be the biggest advocates for great sex because sex is a gift from God and He intends for us to be living life to the fullest! Life following Jesus is the best way, and this is another example of that!
“Why is it so important for Christians to become the BEST advocates for nurtured sexual intimacy in marriage?”
I think it is very difficult to find wholesome material about how to improve intimacy in our marriage. Where does a good Christian couple turn to for quality material on intimacy without smut and pornography. It really is difficult to know where to turn to for help. I also don’t believe that living in ignorance it healthy either. Julie, it is people like yourself that provide a safe medium for people like me to go to for additional help and insight that helps us improve the intimacy in our marriage. It really is a tough balancing act when heading down the road to learn the best ways to improve intimacy in our marriage, because it is very easy to get caught going down the wrong road, so instead of making things better, we just made things worse. I have heard and read some great things from Christian people that have really made a positive different with the intimacy in our marriage. Without the Christian source of information, I would be stuck in ignorance.
I think it’s important for Christians to become advocates for sexual intimacy in marriage because of the teenage pregnancy epidemic.It affects Christian families and non-Christian families alike. I see a lot of teens becoming pregnant and they’re not able to emotionally or financially properly care for a newborn who then become financially dependent on the government to support them and their baby. Then we have shows on MTV, 16 and pregnant, which in my opinion glorifies teen pregnancy with the ‘stars’ of these shows splashed all over the tabloid magazines. So they are famous and making money for no good reason.
“Why is it so important for Christians to become the BEST advocates for nurtured sexual intimacy in marriage?”
Because if Christians can be an example to the world, who can? The world already has a skewed opinion of what Christians are, we need to show the world that the “sex” we see on TV, is not right nor normal.
Sex is intended by God to be a joyous celebration of love in a marriage. He created it so we should embrace what he has given us
Most Christians are so hung up on sex from poor education and shame that we need to set the example for others to follow. God create sex for man and we need not be ashamed of it. My wife and I have amazing sex and she is one of the good girls. Thanks for sharing and speaking out in the defense of sex!
I would love a copy of this book!
I’m excited to be able to find Christian authors willing to tackle this subject in a frank and honest way. I would have loved to have something like this available to me when I first got married 17 years ago! God wants us to enjoy this gift He has given us to the fullest with our spouses, and our marriages will only benefit as a result.
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Why is it so important for Christians to become the BEST advocates for nurtured sexual intimacy in marriage? Because so many other Christians are not experiencing sex the way God intended it to be. Their marriage is then also not what God intended it to be. If more Christians knew then we could better enforce that a life in Jesus affects and betters so many more areas than worldly people think.
Thank you for all your work, Julie. You truly are a blessing to all Christian women.
I believe Christians should advocate for sexual intimacy because it is at the heart of a good marriage, which causes marriages to be better, families to be better, churches to be better, the world to be better. It is the center of what God established in order to make the world a better place. When our relationship as a couple is right it effects everything else in our world.
God created us for His pleasure. On earth we get glimpses of heavenly pleasure, gifts from our Father, and sex is certainly one of the best gifts. When understood in it’s proper context, really great sex allows us to experience the freedom we were created to have. For these reasons and so many more, we as Christians need to be the voice.
Megan
I would love to have this book! My sex life has been spotty at best. I’ve spent the past 9 years of my 10 year marriage healing from various abuses in past relationships and my husband’s pornography addiction. Its only been in the past year that our relationship has improved. And its only been in the past month that I’ve been medication free and have found I still have a libido! It had been missing most of our marriage!
Julie, I really like your interview. What a great blog post idea… Think I’ll have to try it on my site one day;-)) But seriously, Sheila’s book sounds like a winner. I look forward to reading it. Hope we can chat by phone or Skype soon =) Blessings…
I think the reason we, as Christians, should be the best advocates for nurtured intimacy in sex is because “the world” is all about self pleasure and as Christians we should be the leading example of giving our ourselves first in sex because in doing so we receive SO MUCH MORE. And we should be taking a stand with this to be the leading examples!
For too long the Christian community has been hung up on the “don’t”s of sex that the “do”s have been overlooked. Healthy intimacy in marriage must include physical, emotional, mental and spiritual aspects. My marriage NEEDS this book!
Christians need to have a good reputation. God designed our bodies for us, he loves us, so he must have had good intentions for us with our spouses too! I can’t wait to read your book. March 14 th is our 20 th anniversary. It took us a long time to figure it all out, still trying. Wish I would have had your book years ago.
Bc our world is degenerating fast and we need to be the hope our children see. Wuld love to win.
“Why is it so important for Christians to become the BEST advocates for nurtured sexual intimacy in marriage?”
We are supposed to be a light on a hill for others to see. Not perfect, just real. We should be constantly striving for better and be a student of our spouse. Keep learning and growing, after 23 years, it just gets better. I hope we are still at it in our 80’s & beyond 🙂 🙂 What a way to go!
Love the line~
‘We need to be telling people, “You want to have great sex? Wait for marriage, and then have lots of it!” That’s the recipe for an amazing sex life.”
Those are my thoughts exactly!
Following God’s advice on Sex is the only way to truly enjoy it fully !
It would be great to win a copy.
We Christians should have the healthiest sex lives since we are the one’s pursuing the God who created it.
God gave us the gift of sex. As a Christian couple, we have the responsibility to nurture that gift. And to get rid of the stigma of sex in marriage. I can’t wait to get this book. Even if I don’t win a copy, I will be purchasing it. Thank you Sheila for being open and honest! God bless you!
Because a good sex life can help smooth over the smaller annoyances that happen in marriage, versus them building up into something huge.
It is so important for Christians to become the BEST advocates for nurtured sexual intimacy in marriage because so many people out there (both ‘Christian’ and non) are searching for fulfillment that they cannot find. Our marriages are to be the example to the world of God’s desire for a deeply intimate relationship with us, which is the only thing that will truly fulfill us. Sexual intimacy in our marriages is the ‘climax’ of our relational example.
Marriage is becoming the minority and we need good marriages to make a good society! Sex and the Christian marriage are needed for great societies.
“Why is it so important for Christians to become the BEST advocates for nurtured sexual intimacy in marriage?”
Because sex is a wonderful act between a man and a woman married to each other that God created for our pleasure.
It is so hard to find good advice on sex that isn’t tainted by this world. God created sex, and He created it to be amazing! We (Christians) are supposed to be the examples on how sex should be–the way God intended!
Do good [people] have the best sex?
I think they should. I don’t think that they do.
Sex is SO downplayed in the church. And if you complain about it, its YOUR problem. And besides, “marriage is about so much more than that isn’t it?”
Yes it IS so much more. Just like life is so much more than breathing. But without breath, you’re dead.
This would be so great to win! I’m getting married in a few months, and I would love to have a better understanding of God’s plan for intimacy between spouses. It’s important for Christians to become the best advocates for nurtured sexual intimacy in marriage because nobody else is spreading the word! God wants what’s best for us, and the world’s message is twisted and empty.
We have to be advocates because if we aren’t the world will be! The world had been to lied to and deceived and way way way too many have bought into the lie. Married, passionate, emotional, spiritual intimacy is AMAZING! Nothing to be ashamed of, we should be talking, talking and talking some more about it (tastefully and keeping discrete of course)…
“Why is it so important for Christians to become the BEST advocates for nurtured sexual intimacy in marriage?”
I think that a lot of parents don’t talk about or display a good example of what intimacy should be in a marriage. We, as Christians, need to put forth the effort for those kids/teens. We need to be vocal about what God says is right and GOOD about sex, that it isn’t some embarrassing act to be hushed and figured out when “you think you’re ready”… because when that happens people, especially women, are left with the feeling that she didn’t do it “right” because it didn’t feel like how it’s advertised on tv shows, music, etc.
Women want(or expect) the romantic casanova but instead get the clueless goober who couldn’t possibly please them and move on to the next; thats true for already married people as well. BUT if there is a true understanding of how God intended sexual intimacy to be and a realistic expectation of patience & proper mindset then marriages would be more satisfied emotionally AND physically.
I think Christians should lead the way talking about how sex can be so good for a marriage. As a “former cold wife” I can honestly say that no one ever talked to me about this topic. It’s only been in the last 4 months that I’ve learned about true intimacy and what I was doing to my own marriage–and I’ve been married 25 years!! I’ve been to the conferences, read a couple of books, and been through counseling. No one has shed the light on the issue of true marital intimacy than Julie (here) and Sheila (the book’s author). I’ve been awakened to my sin of withholding something so precious from husband and also from myself.
So many verses in the Bible talk about the Church being the Bride of Christ. If the Church is treating Christ the way that I used to treat my husband, Lord, help us all!
I think it it’s important for Chrisitans to become the BEST advocates for sex because we are the ones mostly likely to experience the greatest design for marriage and sex ordained by God. The world needs to see God’s glory in everything and then maybe they’ll start to see how much he really loves them…..afterall God designed sex and intimacy between to married people. As well, the shame and guilt surrounding sex needs to be eliminated in healthy marriage and life. Sex is normal and should be desirable from both parties. I love the scripture that says always be ravished by the wife of your youth. That sounds like a commandment for great intimacy and great sex. I believe that’s what the world really wants and we can show and lead the way.
I would love to win! The Word teaches us that there is a way that seems right to man, but in the end…… it leads to destruction! Nations, communities, families, people are being destroyed by taking Gods plan and replacing it with their own. Praise God for a willing soul like Sheila to cry out from the crowd, cheering for the only plan that works!
“Why is it so important for Christians to become the BEST advocates for nurtured sexual intimacy in marriage?”
The young generation today is so wrapped up in what society says is normal. Sex is just sex, it’s nothing special. It’s nothing worth waiting for. Even young Christians are falling into this trap. As Christian married women (and men) we need to teach the next generation that sex SHOULD be valued, should be saved, and should be protected from the ways of the world. What better way to teach than through example?
Super excited about this book. If I don’t win it, I might just have to buy it!!
I think it’s important for Christians to advocate sexual intimacy in marriage because God designed marriage and sex. He knew what is best and His way is best. As Christians our lives should bring God glory in everything, even sex.
I feel that God has created sex for those who are married so we may be close to one another as a couple. As a married couple we set the standard of how God has created things within a marriage. My husband & I are both guilty if having sex before marriage. That life can’t compare to our lives together as a married couple. It’s not about sex it’s about love. Now that we have a daughter, I want her to see how deeply I’m connected with her daddy.
It is so important for Christians to become the BEST advocates for nurtured sexual intimacy in marriage because it pleases God. In so doing, He will use us as examples, mentors or in any other way He wishes to further His kingdom. If we can lead by example, others will begin to wonder what they are missing and we need to be ready to help them to experience sexual intimacy as God intended.
I *love* these responses, and former cold wife–praise God(!) that you now see sexual intimacy as the wonderful blessing God intended it to be! I pray that you and your husband would experience the joy and pleasure together He intended–and whenever you get the chance, speak to other wives about this, and share your testimony!
I’ve been encouraged by sharing about biblical sexuality during devotions at the mission organization where I work. It was a nerve wracking, but God got me through, and I think many Christians are just waiting for someone to speak the truth that’s already on so many of our minds! Julie, many thanks again for sharing great resources for my coworker to dialogue with his son about God’s plan for sex!
I’ve got to get a Kindle copy of this book.
Q: Why is it so important for Christians to become the BEST advocates for nurtured sexual intimacy in marriage?
A: Because if we do not preserve and protect the gift that God has given to us married couples, we will not only be living in direct disobedience, but ultimately have a hand in destroying the sanctity of marriage! What better gift can we give our children than a proper perspective on how we should act in marriage? I can’t think of one! Thank you for the opportunity to win this book! I would LOVE IT!!! 🙂
Christians should have the best sex because God is the author of it and He wants the best for us and He knows what and how it is best. The world needs to know there’s a better way than than the destructive way they are doing it.
HA: My husband asked why I was typing away over here. When I told him I was trying to win us a book on good sex, he said, “Great! I love sex with you! I’d love for us to get a book on sex!”
Sex within marriage is amazing! Christians should become the best advocates for sex within marriage because sex is such a great way for us to tangibly understand more about the depth of intimacy that God our Creator wants to have with us. No one can communicate this better than those who belong to God (except God Himself). This is why Christians should be the biggest proponents, advocates, and encouragers about married sex- loving the connection with our spouse and realizing more about the level of closeness, vulnerability, and pursuit that God longs for people to receive from Him.
Because so many Christians are scared to talk about it. If we were to become advocates, then we could have authentic conversations about sex – especially with newlyweds who have questions and often feel like there’s no one to talk with.
We should be because there is so much misinformation and misunderstanding out there! God’s truth can provide clarity and satisfaction!
Marriage is a so threatened in todays world. We need to learn to take care of this beautiful gift in every way we can!
The one who designed sex, God, intended it to work best within the Christian home between a loving man and woman. Sex with no quilt and no baggage.
Just went to a purity conference with my 19 year old daughter and one of the speakers told the ‘girls’ the way to have the best sex was to wait for marriage. I agree wholeheartedly! This summer my husband and I will celebrate 25 years of marriage and our sex life just gets better and better!!! Cannot wait to read the new book and share it with some friends!
I have been following Sheila’s blog for awhile now and have really been wanting to read her book. really excited for a chance to win it!
“Why is it so important for Christians to become the BEST advocates for nurtured sexual intimacy in marriage?”
I have to admit I think this topic is so very important and I have thought about talking about it on my blog, but I am scared to. Scared about what people will think. I am not afraid to talk about it with my friends, and that has helped me a lot realizing that I am not alone in this. In answer to the question, I think it is so very important for Christians to be the best advocates because if we don’t who will? The world is sending a different message, and it’s not one I would want my children hearing.
I was raised in a Christian home, but was raised very sheltered and very innocent. I am partly thankful for it, but on the other hand I wish I was more prepared for marriage and the intimacy in marriage. I seriously did not know much. I had to have my husband (then fiance) explain things to me before we got married because I did not want to be embarrassed on my wedding night. I had heard older women talk about how sex is something they dreaded or how that we HAD to give it to our husbands no matter what. But they made it sound like it was something that was not so fun, and something that I would eventually grow to dread.
However, that is not the case. I have only been married 3 years, but I am realizing how important this is to my marriage, and I am seeing how it does get better with passing time. Because of my experiences I am passionate about this topic and learning more about it, and I think we need more Christian mentors like you on this blog and like Sheila to help Christian ladies understand what sex in marriage is really all about. Churches need to not be afraid to talk about it because it is something wonderful and a gift from God. When Christians become more open about it, I think that we might see less marriages failing. Maybe not… but you never know.
I’d like to answer the question with personal experience. I was brought up a good girl but in my Christan home, sex was soooo taboo. When I got to the real world, I learned a lot of lessons the hard way, and now that I’m married, its really taking a toll on things. I would love to win this book, it would help me so much.
Hi Julie I’d love to read and win a copy it looks like a very interesting read but I think and feel there are more deserving lady’s out there than me thanks for your great blog it’s a credit to you well done
We are not telling our kids the truth about sex because of our own ignorance and guilt. We are the salt of the earth and we want people to know we are down to earth and normal.