I am not always in the mood for sex.
(I can you hear you gasping from here. My reputation must precede me.)
But hey, I admit it, there are moments — albeit, they are extremely rare — when my senses are somewhat dulled to the idea of sex.
Even then, though, I usually can coax my heart and body in the direction of friskiness. Before long, wouldn’t you know it, I find myself pleasantly thinking, “Well lookie here, I am in the mood after all!”
Ladies, I get that sex may not be high on your list.
Or even on your list. (Sorry. Just keeping it real).
I know that the details of your daily life are not exactly set against a backdrop of candlelight, satin sheets and Barry White melodies.
I understand how a wife who likely is feeling exhausted can relegate sex to the corner of “maybe tomorrow night dear.” (It’s hanging out there with the unfolded laundry, the forgotten permission slips and the “I can’t believe we ran out of milk again.”)
But it doesn’t have to be that way. (I’m talking about the sex, not the milk. If you keep running out of milk, I have no solutions for you. I blog about sex.)
Do you want to get in the mood for sex — at least more often than you’ve been in the mood?
Here are 3 ways to do just that:
1. Stop looking at it as a chore. Just stop it.
Sex with your husband is not a chore, as my fellow blogger pal Mrs. Hot Holy Humorous recently pointed out in her spot-on post. She wryly noted that she has “not once had an orgasm while folding underwear.”
She really is hilarious, that one.
The point is our minds are powerful. Lori Byerly recently shared this quote in a post:
“Watch your thoughts, for they become words; watch your words, for they become actions; watch your actions, for they become habits; watch your habits, for they become character; watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.” (Author isn’t known, but isn’t it soooo true?)
If you have felt for a long time that sex with your husband is a “task” or a “chore” or a “burden,” then I humbly encourage you, wife-to-wife, that you take those thoughts captive.
Don’t tell me it can’t be done.
God is in the business of transformation. It’s kind of His calling card, you know.
With the Holy Spirit’s help, draw a line in the sand and refuse to partner any longer with Satan on his reckless assault on your marriage bed.
When you consistently treat sex as a chore, you might as well throw a point up on the score board for Satan. He loves that, by the way. Even does one of those annoying celebration dances — right at the foot of your bed.
2. Ask for more foreplay. Just ask.
If sexual intimacy is a struggle in your marriage, then have a little committee meeting with the only other person who can help you right the ship — your husband.
He may not know that if he spent an extra 20-30 minutes exploring your body before entering it, the appeal of sex would go up a few notches for you. Heck, you may not even know that.
For most women, foreplay is possibly the best indicator of how endearing a sexual experience is going to be. Generally speaking, the better the foreplay, the better the sex.
I’ve even heard some women say that the foreplay was the best part of the sexual encounter — and they mean it. Not an ounce of disappointment ringing from their voice.
I have hundreds of ideas on how to make foreplay great, but it’s kind of a personal preference sort of thing.
You and your committee member are going to have to do some trial-and-error to get to the definitive feeling of “Gee, I’m so glad I’m not doing laundry right now.”
Get the research going, because foreplay is amazing. Really. My committee member and I are unanimously in agreement on that.
3. Embrace your power as a wife.
I know — you may feel discouraged in so many areas of your life. Maybe your kids are less-than-respectful, your bank account less-than-full, and your house less-than-stunning.
Power as a wife? You’re just not feeling it, right?
But guess what? God did indeed give you power in your marriage. And by “power,” I don’t mean conniving, manipulative, mean or controlling.
What I mean is that when you married, one of the roles God bestowed upon you was the right and privilege to sexually satisfy your husband. No one else can do that for him (at least not in God’s eyes).
I know that sexual intimacy is complex, wrought with the potential for a fair amount of miscommunication and disconnect. I’m not naive.
But I also know that walking in the direction of sexual confidence can help you feel… well… more confident.
Revel in sexually pleasing the man you married. When you embrace the good and holy power that is reserved for you alone with your husband, it helps get you in the mood. Really, it does.
Now if the three ways I’ve given don’t help get you in the mood, you could always fall back on some tried-and-true standbys.
Week in Cancun.
2-hour massage at overpriced day spa.
Romantic ride in a horse-drawn carriage.
Yeah. Not on your calendar any time soon?
Alrighty then, let’s just go with my three ideas (at least if you want to have sex this week).
Who knows — maybe you’ll find you can’t get the grateful smile off your husband’s face. Or your own.
Copyright 2011, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.