sexual intimacy, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
3 Ways to Get in the Mood For Sex
I am not always in the mood for sex.
(I can you hear you gasping from here. My reputation must precede me.)
But hey, I admit it, there are moments — albeit, they are extremely rare — when my senses are somewhat dulled to the idea of sex.
Even then, though, I usually can coax my heart and body in the direction of friskiness. Before long, wouldn’t you know it, I find myself pleasantly thinking, “Well lookie here, I am in the mood after all!”
Ladies, I get that sex may not be high on your list.
Or even on your list. (Sorry. Just keeping it real).
I know that the details of your daily life are not exactly set against a backdrop of candlelight, satin sheets and Barry White melodies.
I understand how a wife who likely is feeling exhausted can relegate sex to the corner of “maybe tomorrow night dear.” (It’s hanging out there with the unfolded laundry, the forgotten permission slips and the “I can’t believe we ran out of milk again.”)
But it doesn’t have to be that way. (I’m talking about the sex, not the milk. If you keep running out of milk, I have no solutions for you. I blog about sex.)
Do you want to get in the mood for sex — at least more often than you’ve been in the mood?
Here are 3 ways to do just that:
1. Stop looking at it as a chore. Just stop it.
Sex with your husband is not a chore, as my fellow blogger pal Mrs. Hot Holy Humorous recently pointed out in her spot-on post. She wryly noted that she has “not once had an orgasm while folding underwear.”
She really is hilarious, that one.
The point is our minds are powerful. Lori Byerly recently shared this quote in a post:
“Watch your thoughts, for they become words; watch your words, for they become actions; watch your actions, for they become habits; watch your habits, for they become character; watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.” (Author isn’t known, but isn’t it soooo true?)
If you have felt for a long time that sex with your husband is a “task” or a “chore” or a “burden,” then I humbly encourage you, wife-to-wife, that you take those thoughts captive.
Don’t tell me it can’t be done.
God is in the business of transformation. It’s kind of His calling card, you know.
With the Holy Spirit’s help, draw a line in the sand and refuse to partner any longer with Satan on his reckless assault on your marriage bed.
When you consistently treat sex as a chore, you might as well throw a point up on the score board for Satan. He loves that, by the way. Even does one of those annoying celebration dances — right at the foot of your bed.
2. Ask for more foreplay. Just ask.
If sexual intimacy is a struggle in your marriage, then have a little committee meeting with the only other person who can help you right the ship — your husband.
He may not know that if he spent an extra 20-30 minutes exploring your body before entering it, the appeal of sex would go up a few notches for you. Heck, you may not even know that.
For most women, foreplay is possibly the best indicator of how endearing a sexual experience is going to be. Generally speaking, the better the foreplay, the better the sex.
I’ve even heard some women say that the foreplay was the best part of the sexual encounter — and they mean it. Not an ounce of disappointment ringing from their voice.
I have hundreds of ideas on how to make foreplay great, but it’s kind of a personal preference sort of thing.
You and your committee member are going to have to do some trial-and-error to get to the definitive feeling of “Gee, I’m so glad I’m not doing laundry right now.”
Get the research going, because foreplay is amazing. Really. My committee member and I are unanimously in agreement on that.
3. Embrace your power as a wife.
I know — you may feel discouraged in so many areas of your life. Maybe your kids are less-than-respectful, your bank account less-than-full, and your house less-than-stunning.
Power as a wife? You’re just not feeling it, right?
But guess what? God did indeed give you power in your marriage. And by “power,” I don’t mean conniving, manipulative, mean or controlling.
What I mean is that when you married, one of the roles God bestowed upon you was the right and privilege to sexually satisfy your husband. No one else can do that for him (at least not in God’s eyes).
I know that sexual intimacy is complex, wrought with the potential for a fair amount of miscommunication and disconnect. I’m not naive.
But I also know that walking in the direction of sexual confidence can help you feel… well… more confident.
Revel in sexually pleasing the man you married. When you embrace the good and holy power that is reserved for you alone with your husband, it helps get you in the mood. Really, it does.
Now if the three ways I’ve given don’t help get you in the mood, you could always fall back on some tried-and-true standbys.
Week in Cancun.
2-hour massage at overpriced day spa.
Romantic ride in a horse-drawn carriage.
Yeah. Not on your calendar any time soon?
Alrighty then, let’s just go with my three ideas (at least if you want to have sex this week).
Who knows — maybe you’ll find you can’t get the grateful smile off your husband’s face. Or your own.
Copyright 2011, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
I think that some wives look at sex bloggers like us, Julie, and think, “You don’t have problems because you love sex!” Actually, I learned to love sex, and sometimes I still ain’t in the mood.
Recently hubby and I had a rare moment of no kids in the house, so I was using my time to write a blog post (productive, eh?). My man had different ideas. I followed him to the bedroom and a few minutes into our lovemaking, I pulled back and admitted, “My brain is not all the way here.” Despite my body responding, I was mentally writing my blog post in my head. I asked for us to slow down and spend more time in affection and foreplay, which refocused my mind, and we had a lovely time. Asking for what you need and finding ways to get yourself in the mood are so important. Great reminder, Julie!
Great article.
Please do you have a link to some of the ‘hundreds of ideas to make foreplay great’?
Pretty please.
Desperately please . . .
Thanks.
I am with Uzi! I NEED some foreplay ideas.
Hi Uzi and Stephanie! Thanks for your comments! I promise I will do a post soon with foreplay ideas!
In the meantime, my general suggestion would be experiment with different forms of touch — even long before you make it to the bedroom. Non-chalantly run your hands through your husband’s hair… or along the edge of the waistline of his jeans. When you’re sitting on the couch (or at a movie, or at church, etc.), gently trace each of his fingers with one of your fingers.
Of course, touch goes both ways, so encourage your husband to touch you by telling him specifically what you like. If there are certain parts of your body that are particularly sensitive, tell him this. For example, for some women, along the underarm and along the side of the breast and body can be particularly arousing!
Anyway, like I said… I promise a more extensive post with more ideas soon!
julie
We get in the mood reading your blog. We sometimes check out stories at http://www.marriageheat.com. Your blog is fabulous.
Simply put. Thank you!
I’ve been really, REALLY struggling with this lately. I’ve been treating sex as a chore without even realizing it. My husband told me today that he’s pretty much given up, because he’s tired of initiating everything himself and feeling as though I’d rather be doing anything else. So I came to the internet for help, because I don’t know what to do. Thank you for this little article. Hopefully it helps me be inspired to more than just cry.
Haveing a hard time to get husband in the mood and he does not like forplay to much ever since his ed he has a hard time with sex and say i don”t feel any desier it is not you but me!i think he afarid to fail and the ed pump does not feel natural to hin advice from all would be nice
hey i was just surfing the internet looking for ways to get my wife in the mood this is a really good site i only wish she had the desire to prioritize sex over home remodeling and all the other crap
I like your blogs
I do everything under the sun moon and stars to get my wife in the mood and still there is a never ending drought in the bedroom. I make the dinners, bubble baths, massages, clean house/laundry, i listen to her everyday conversations about work. I do whatever she needs to make sex less of a chore for her. I’m tired of being angry or upset about it, but I love my wife so I refuse to give up or go elsewhere. I’ve expressed for what feels like years now and she refuses to change it. Our no longer existing sex life has totally put distance not to mention resentment in our marriage. Months or weeks at a time is just Rediculous and the rejection is affecting my self esteem.
What more can I do?
Julie, as always I love your inspirational comments on sex and intimacy. There is another “foreplay issue” I want to ask about. What do you do when your wife is a constant refuser and when she FINALLY decides that she will allow you the honor of one special 20 minutes ( over that and she says”hurry up”. Very intimate huh?) and she DOES NOT WANT any foreplay? Ever. Just get up here. Get missionary and hurry up and ejaculate. Now what? It makes it difficult to even keep an erection. I have to concentrate to climax. What is intimate about that? John R
I am also one that will do anything and try everything for my wonderfull wife to hopefully help her to get into the mood, the thinking was if I could take away all the other household chores she would perhaps stop to see sex as a chore. This approach I am sorry to report did not work, she was always very greatfull for my work and support but this never once made her feel that sex is less of a chore. I am afraid it is time for me to accept that it is not going to happen and if it does maybe some time in the future and she does allow me that 20 minutes hell I am at point where I dont even think I should go for it. Sex is for young or other couples who find each other sexy and people who love to be intimate as a couple. In my marriage I want that. My wife is the sexiest women to roam this world and I adore her but, foreplay and sex will never not be a chore in her eyes and I am tired of begging, asking only just to be ignored and feeling like a failure for trying.
I loved reading this article!! I am a wife and a working mother and for a long time my husband and I went through a “drought”, and I mean like maybe three times a YEAR. It wasn’t good at all. We resented each other and he was tired of trying, and I don’t blame him. I was being a horrible person to live with. But then, after i told a few friends about our unhappiness, they prayed, and prayed and prayed…God changed my heart!! I’m not saying our relationship is perfect, but it is much better than it was. We started actually making an effort to go on dates more and spend more quality time together. All of the things we used to do separately didn’t matter to us anymore. We really just enjoy spending time together now. My advice to all of the husbands that commented is this…don’t give up on her. God is still working on her heart and if he can change mine, he can change anyone’s!!
Any advice on how to get my new husband to want sex? We have only been married a week and he has never had sex before. I have two kids from previous relationships so I like sex, but haven’t had any for 5 years because I wanted to wait for the right man this time and now that I found him, he doesn’t want to have sex. Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband with all my heart. We have never talked about sex before we got married. I don’t know how to bring up the conversation about hey why aren’t we having sex yet, it’s been a week since we got married..
Is it me he doesn’t want to have sex with? People never saw him with a girl before me and co workers assumed he was gay. We still aren’t having sex. So did he marry me because he is gay and just didn’t want people to think that anymore????
ANY ADVICE WOULD BE WONDERFUL!
@Melissa… without knowing your husband, it’s hard for me to speculate on why he doesn’t want to have sex. But I can say that even though it seems difficult to bring up the conversation, you need to.
Just be honest… that you’re confused and hurt that he doesn’t want to have sex, and that you want to understand where he’s coming from. Tell him you love him and you really want the two of you to have an intimate marriage in every aspect, including sex.
Suffice to say, it’s unreasonable on his part to think that marriage doesn’t include sex.
If he won’t talk to you, suggest marriage counseling.
Do not assume this will resolve itself. I know you’re feeling scared to address the issue, but I really encourage you to do so.
Hi. I’m a 28 year old male and me and my wife have been married for just over 4 months. We had sex I our honeymoon but since then there hasn’t even been a sniff of sex. It’s always maybe tomorrow like you say in the topic above. I tell her she is beautiful and how much I love her but she always seems down at the minute. How do I go about rekindling our sex life. I’m kinda at my wits end over it. I know sex isn’t everything but to be newly weds and having such a dry spell makes me worry. Can you steer me in the right direction?
My wife is 10 years older than I. She is 60. After a checkup she found she was told she had zero testosterone. She has sex with me every 7 to 10 days but she lacks initiative. We have talked about this. I miss the passion of the early years. I would be happy with 2 rimes a week. She knows this but it is off the table.
Hello, I have been in a spell since we had our second child which was back to back with the first, so I don’t know how to fix it my husband has given up on even trying to initiate it. When we first got together is was no problem but now I have a hard time getting in the mood. Sometimes he will like guilt trip me and since the third or fourth time of that it has seemed like a chore . How do I fix this????
This entire post makes me want to write my own post. First of all, as couples it is not hard to figure out ALL OF THE REASONS why our spouse lacks interst in sex. It’s about communication. Sex is intimacy. Intimacy means being unashamed. Unashamed means we can talk about anything without being judged. Talking will get you the answers you want. Why can’t we figure this out people? You want a list of foreplay ideas?! Ask your husband what his fantasies are…and DO them! You don’t know why your wife doesn’t want you?! Ask her why! Also, stop all the laziness. Sex isn’t for the “sexy”, “younger” crowd. Sex is for everyone. Do you know what’s sexy? Figuring out what your partner wants and DELIVERING! Maybe, Guys, it’s a chore because you aren’t stimulating the right area. Maybe the fact that the sex organs are so close to the urethra and anus, or the smell and feel of sweat and bodily fluid, or the fact that the two of you are out of shape, or something else bothers her. The thing is, once you know the answer, WORK towards fixing THAT SPECIFIC problem. Say: “Let’s both shower before and after we have sex! It’s okay! I love you, Honey!” Or try: “Let’s set a goal to work out together so that we can feel more comfortable in our own skin.” Or: “I LOVE your body! Every-little-thing about you turns me on!” And mean it! Don’t flip flop. Don’t go calling her fat the next time you argue, as a jab. It takes away all of the intimacy you’ve built up when you wanted sex. Then she WILL feel like she’s being used. Hope some of this helps! Wishing you all a happy, healthy sex life!
After 25 years, I’ve pretty much given up on ever having a fulfilling sex life with my wife. We have a good marriage other than sex, she just doesn’t like sex. Period. And she is not interested in learning to like sex. She generally doesn’t tell me no, but I feel like I’m in bed with a corpse. No interest at all, and after all of these years, I’m starting to see my interest in sex fading also. And yes, she gets plenty of foreplay. Not uncommon after 2 hours of foreplay for her to tell me, “I’m not really in the mood, let’s just take care of you.” Very discouraging. I’ve given her my entire adult life, and she refuses to give me the one thing that I so desperately need, herself.
Greg, I’m sorry for the difficulty you’ve been experiencing in your relationship. It sounds like you are very loyal and devoted to her (which is a great starting point all by itself). I’d definitely try talking to her. Be sure you’re feeling calm and undefensive first. Ask her how she feels during foreplay and sex, and express to her that her arousal is important to you. You mentioned that you take 2 hours sometimes to give foreplay. It’s great that you’re willing to, but are you certain you know what she likes? I just listened to a Focus on the Family podcast by two marriage counselors. They said it’s not uncommon for couples married 20, even 40 years – that have never really talked about what the other likes and prefers. This has been the case in my own 16 year marriage unfortunately. My husband believes he knows what I like and has too much pride to ask or learn something new. I didn’t speak up most of our marriage because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. So he’s gotten into patterns in our sex life, doing things in a way that I don’t like and never have. We’re in the process of unlearning those things and communicating what I DO like. I’ve been that dead corpse you describe your wife as, but now have gotten interested enough to have sex with him and get enjoyment out of it. What’s been a HUGE help is that he stopped looking at pornography a few years ago. He’s no longer obsessed with sex, which allows him to focus on affection and saying affirming things to me. And in turn, wives respond to this sending cues that they’re ready for sex. He’s getting better at foreplay (for years he thought he was good at it, but never asked my preferences. Without asking what felt good to me, he assumed he knew from articles and previous experiences. There are actually several things that hugely turn me on, and it seems a shame not to let him know this. But it took many years for me to open up. From the beginning of our marriage, my husband acted as if his desires being fulfilled was all that mattered. So I took on the duty-role (as many Christian wives do) and gave my body to him, sometimes even typing on the computer while he did what he wanted to me. I didn’t like it, didn’t participate, and was glad when it was over. Lots of cringing, moments of pain, and fake responses. What a terrible way to live. The changes have been slow, and my husband often falls back into the same patterns (skipping foreplay, not checking with me on how I’m doing and what I like, etc). But things aren’t what they used to be either. I will keep you and your wife in prayer. It takes a lot of patience. As one counselor described it, picture yourself in a garden with cement. Pour a stepping stone and wait for it to dry. Then pour another one. Changes can take years, but if you love one another it will be worth all the effort. And prayer is the best, because God can truly change our hearts.