marriage problems, sexual intimacy struggles
What Have You Really Done to Improve Sex With Your Husband?
Aug
I recently was perusing the shelves of a bookstore going out of business.
Not sure what made me more sad.
That the discounts weren’t really that great. Or that a brick-and-mortar bookstore that sells actual books is being gobbled up by the phenomena of eReaders.
Call me old-school, but I like the feel of a book in my hands.
(Trust me…I do have a point about sex in this post. Hang on.)
It’s not that I don’t see the value of eBooks, because they too are chock full of great info. I’ve read a few and will likely write one someday. Go figure.
It’s just that the experience of reading on a cold tablet feels to me void of many of the things that make a book… well, a book — the feel of the pages, the texture of the cover, even the smell of books that have sat on the shelf for years.
In my worst moments about this, I envision a day will come when my future grandchildren won’t even know what a book is — at least not a hold-it-in-your-hands-and-feel-the-pages book.
For this exact reason, I refuse to get rid of my children’s books. Seriously. I have them stacked meticulously in cardboard diaper boxes, and the youngest has been out of diapers for years.
I have no doubt that someday, my grown children will get all nostalgic when I pull out one of these books and read it to their children.
Their children, of course, will probably be bored out of their mind that the book doesn’t talk or have animated characters fly off the pages.
Sad.
Can I get an amen on any of this?
I just needed a little affirmation before I actually get to my point.
Which I have.
Thanks for hanging in there.
So I was recently at this actual bookstore that is going out of business and I stumbled across “A Tired Woman’s Guide to Passionate Sex” by Laurie B. Mintz. I don’t think this is a Christian book, per se, but I picked it up. I tend to gravitate toward Christian books on sex and marriage, but I’d be lying if I said my bookshelves don’t contain a few secular books as well (none of which, though, are graphic).
Any hoo, I bought Laurie Mintz’s book because I was intrigued by the title. And the fact that it was free of any pornographic images and ludicrous back cover claims about hour-long orgasms (which sounds a little taxing, if you ask me, but I digress).
My point is that there are a lot — I mean a lot — of resources available to you specifically on improving sexual intimacy.
I recommend quite a few great Christian ones, because there are so many. Seriously, even if the world was wiped clean of all the inappropriate sexual intimacy books, we still would be left with some solid insight.
This wasn’t the case decades ago. Or even 10-15 years ago, really.
If you are a Christian wife who wants to improve sexual intimacy with your husband — and you don’t know where to learn a thing or two about that process — you really have no excuse nowadays.
We are talking information overload, in a good way.
Even if you just started with Christian marriage books and resources, you would probably stumble across more sexual intimacy tips than you could count.
Our parents, grandparents and great grandparents were not quite so fortunate.
So many marriages in the past suffered in isolation, ignorance or fear when it comes to sex — simply because previous generations did not have as many places to turn. (And didn’t know how to broach the topic of sexual intimacy, which in most Christian circles was considered taboo and inappropriate for discussion).
As one wife to another, I’m humbly and tenderly asking: What have you really done to improve sex with your husband?
I am not talking to those of you who have tried relentlessly, only to have your husband remain less-than-responsive to your desire for nurtured sexual intimacy. I’m saddened deeply by these situations.
I am talking, however, to those of you who know that as your husband’s wife and partner in life, you could take some initiative.
And by initiative, I’m not merely talking about initiating sex (although, that can be good).
I’m talking about truly bringing about healthy change and priority-setting in your marriage so that sexual intimacy is not only mutually valued, but mutually enjoyed as well.
I encourage you to seek out some Christian books on sexual intimacy.
And even though I sounded a little bitter at the beginning of the post, be sure to not limit yourself to just hard copy books, but also to eBooks and on-line websites, blogs, etc.
My caveat about resources is always the same — glean what applies to your situation and let the rest go. Proceed with caution on resources that offer “quick fix” mentality, because we all know that marriage is hard and rarely are there quick fixes. Both Paul Byerly and I have referred people to Dan Darling’s wise article about The Danger of Marriage Books. Paul just did a post on this, if you want to check it out.
Below are books I like, in no particular order. These are affiliate links, but I’ve read all the books and recommend them because they each contain helpful insights:
The Five Sex Needs of Men and Women by Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg
When Two Become One: Enhancing Sexual Intimacy in Marriage by Christopher and Rachel McCluskey
Intimate Issues: 21 Questions Christian Women Ask ABout Sex by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus
Is That All He Thinks About? How to Enjoy Great Sex with Your Husband by Marla Taviano
Sacred Sex: A Spiritual Celebration of Oneness in Marriage by Tim Alan Gardner
The Sexually Confident Wife: Connecting With Your Husband by Shannon Ethridge
If you don’t want to buy the books, see if the libraries of larger churches in your community have them.
You could also get ambitious and be an agent for change by starting a Christian sex book club with your closest Christian girlfriends who share a passion for improving this aspect of their marriage.
At any rate, when the question “What have you really done to improve sex with your husband?” pops into your head, be sure you could answer confidently that you have indeed done something… maybe a lot of somethings!
Copyright 2011, Julie Sibert, Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
You mean you don’t have hour-long orgasms like me? LOL. Just kidding, of course. That sounds exhausting to me too!
Seriously, though, I do think that the presence of ebooks and online resources makes it easier for people looking for help to get it without having to face a bookstore clerk with a copy of Sex for Dummies in their hands (yes, that’s a real title). Some people aren’t embarrassed by that, but others are. Downloading a book or reading a blog in the comfort of your own home means you can privately seek information for those areas of your marital intimacy which need a boost. And you can also order real-live books online. (Personally, I still like texture and turning pages.) Thanks for the resource recommendations, Julie!
Hi Julie I like reading your blog. I look the book recommendation. My wife feels loved when I give her words of encouragement, show spiritual leadership in the home when I do those type of things is when she wants sex. Are there any books you can recommend for men that would help meet the wives needs? I have read the 5 love languages it was great.
Thanks
Thanks for the comment Steve! A few books you may want to glean from are these:
The Way to Love Your Wife: Creating Greater Love and Passion in the Bedroom by Cliff and Joyce Penner.
What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Sex by Ryan Howes, Richard Rupp and Stephen Simpson.
If Only He Knew: Understanding Your Wife by Gary Smalley.
Like I said… glean what applies to your marriage and also use what you read and learn as good conversation starters with your wife, so you can discover her perspective on what the authors cover.
I agree with you… The Five Love Languages is great!
My wife and I love your blog. Thank you!! Im wondering if our perceptions that women have much lower sex drives than men have been skewed by 50 years of the sex drive killing effects of the pill and perhaps IUDs & other hormonal contraceptions. We’d be very interested in your comments on that.
Thank you so much Brian for your comment… glad to hear you and your wife enjoy my blog.
Yes, I agree with you totally that one of the side effects of hormonal contraceptives is that some of them do lower sex drive. Certainly each woman needs to make decisions through consulting with her husband and doctor, but I will say that the side effect of lower sex drive is not one that many doctors readily advertise.
I was on the pill in my first marriage and had no idea that my low sex drive could be attributed in a large part to the pill. It sure explained a lot in hindsight the more I discovered about hormonal contraception. I sure wish I would have known then what I know now. I told my current husband before we married that there was no way I was going to be on the pill, so we used other contraception until we had our son (and then my husband had a vasectomy).
Also, in recent years there has been some discussion among Christians as to if the pill could potentially be abortive. THis is not widely accepted, but it definitely has been discussed, explored, etc.
As I’ve mentioned, though, I do encourage women to talk openly with their husbands and their doctors to make sure they are choosing contraception that is going to be beneficial to the marriage.
I’m so blessed by your comment! Thank you for taking the time to read the blog. I pray nothing but abundant blessings upon you and your bride. Keep nurturing your intimacy!
How is someone going to “improve sex” with her husband if he refuses to do it? Sounds and IS hopeless to me. I am not going to beg him to do it and I am not going to throw myself at him either. He has his God and his church; he finds “fulfillment” in them and he doesn’t need a woman. Every other word out his mouth is “God this” and “Thank Jesus that”. It gets very tiresome very quickly. It most certainly is NOT a way to get me interested in going to or having anything to do with this fabulous church. He says the church makes him “happy” and I should want to see what makes him “happy”. He doesn’t care what makes me happy. I am sorely tempted to quote Bette Davis as Margot Channing in “All About Eve”; i.e., “I’m SO happy you’re happy”. He has been using sex as a weapon for years. He would periodically go through phases by withholding sex as a punishment if I was what he considered “mean” to him. It will be 4 years on 12/21/17. I’ve been “mean” to him for a solid 4 years? No “niceness” ever, how inadvertently he may think it was, sneaking in there at all for the entire time? Nothing carnal, thank you very much, for his holiness.
Something else; he keeps referring to me as his “wife”. That word implies an intimacy which no longer exists; I am his roommate. We may still be legally married, and semantically it is the correct word, but the spousal relationship is definitely dead. He created this situation but he doesn’t have the guts to let anyone know it. He goes on his merry way making believe everything is just fine. Makes me wonder what his all-important pastor and/or fellow congregants would think about this loving, caring, giving, “Christian” man if they knew what he refuses to do. He hasn’t discussed this with his pastor, which is what I believe a “Chirstian” husband should do if his marriage is in trouble. Could it be his pastor would think he is weird? Maybe he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with his marriage. Whatever, his holiness is “happy” and that is all that matters, isn’t it?