Can Sexual Tension Be a Good Thing?

My husband is an avid gardener and grows quite a few varieties of peppers.  Last year, for the first time he grew Tabasco peppers, which are tiny, but obviously (as the name implies), very hot.   At the end of the season, we dried some of them and recently I ground them into a powder for seasoning.

Sexual tension is a lot like that Tabasco powder. A little bit can bring amazing flavor and “wow!”   Too much and everything is ruined… even painful.

Sexual tension can be a remarkable component to a couple’s sexual intimacy, especially when we are talking about extended foreplay.  As a spouse, do you embrace the privilege of arousing your spouse… long before lovemaking is going to take place?  It is indeed sacred ground. No one else (ethically and morally) is allowed to arouse your husband.  That is your territory, and yours alone.

Sadly, so many couples never even wander into this sacred ground on their sexual intimacy map.  It’s like you have one of those GPS thingys but you refuse to update it, so you constantly resort to the same path — every single time — when, low and behold, there are unexplored paths to get you to your destination.

Sexual tension — built with compassion — offers allure, anticipation and promise of oneness yet to come.   But as I referenced in my post Don’t Tease Unless You Plan to Follow Through, if you build sexual tension with no intention of actually having sex, it’s like building a home in which you never plan to live.  Talk about disappointment.  Talk about frustration.  Talk about sexual tension gone very bad.

If you want to throw your marriage in front a firing squad, making it prone to unfathomable attack, drench it in a bunch of sexual tension and deprive it of every ounce of sexual release.  I’m just saying. There are a lot of regrets and hurt wrapped up in that kind of pain.

So let’s get back to the “good” sexual tension. As a wife, how do you build that into your sexual intimacy?!   You have some idea of what turns your husband on sexually, but maybe you can add some of the below suggestions to your repertoire.

Remember, don’t walk down these paths unless you intend to reach the destination.   And if at first your husband is more caught off guard than aroused, resist the urge to feel offended.  You may have to add a little commentary along the way…“I want to be with you later and I just wanted you to know.”

• When your husband is getting ready in the morning, possibly standing at the sink or drying off after his shower, nonchalantly pass behind him and run your fingers on his back, along his waistline or even along the back of his thighs. This can be particularly powerful if you use your fingernails. Light touches, especially in certain areas, are very arousing.
• Before you both begin your day, instead of just a quick goodbye kiss, hold his face in your hands and passionately kiss him. Kiss him like you mean it.  Kiss him like you want him. Kiss him like you kissed him the first time you made out. (But just kiss him once. One passionate kiss.)
• While sitting at church, in a movie theater or at your kid’s basketball game, nonchalantly caress his hand, tracing each finger with your index finger. This can be powerful on many levels because it can be suggestive of ways you will caress other parts of his body later. Yeah, I know.  Sounds crazy. But there is sexual suggestion in the least likely of circumstances if we open our hearts to purposely looking for it.
• Initiate playful banter that has discreet sexual undertones. If your children are young, it will go right over their heads. If your kids are older, they will probably figure out what you are referring to. Even so, this doesn’t have to be a bad thing.  If your banter is playful and doesn’t use overt sexual language, it can remind kids that the marriage takes precedence in the household. A very needed message that is absent in too many homes.
• At night, sneak down to your husband’s car and leave a sexy note taped to the steering wheel that he will find in the morning. Use your imagination as to what you write in it.
• When you get dressed before you go out on a date, purposely wear something sexy underneath… or, dare I say, where no underwear. Again, I know this may sound crazy, but your husband may find this very arousing when you discreetly make a comment about it during your evening.  Anticipation baby.  That’s what I’m talking about.
• When your husband is showering in the morning, sneak in there with him. Obviously, this works best if you don’t have a baby or toddlers who may need your attention.  But if you know they are safe in their beds asleep — or if your kids are a bit older and entertained in front of Bugs Bunny for a few moments — take advantage of the lock on the bathroom door. Skin-on-skin contact can be one of the best promises made early in the day.  And contrary to popular belief, that kind of close contact does not have to lead to sex in that moment.
• During the day, when you know he’ll be away from his phone, leave him a voice mail that doesn’t come right out and say you want to have sex, but heavily implies it. Maybe something like, “Hey, I was thinking we could try something a little different for dessert tonight. I’ll show you what I mean later.”
• If there is a certain perfume you know he finds arousing, spray it on your hair brush and run it through your hair in the morning. Then give him a big hug before he leaves for the day.

Remember — the key with sexual tension is to build just the right amount, without allowing it to turn into sexual frustration.  Keep your sexual suggestions brief and authentic. Maybe use a couple throughout the day, but don’t overdo it. And then after you get those kiddos in bed, follow through.  Let sexual tension roll into sexual release.  I love sexual release.  It’s such a nice headliner finale after a day of “opening acts” warming up the stage.

So, what suggestions do you have on building good sexual tension?  Throw your ideas into the comment section (unless, of course, this post has inspired you to go do something else.  Hmmm. What could that be?)

Copyright 2011, Julie Sibert, Intimacy in Marriage Blog.