It's not that I'm not a fan of missionary position.
I'm just not a HUGE fan.
(And I'm definitely not a fan of the name of it, which depending on what source you read, dates back to when missionaries would show "less civilized" natives the "proper" way to have sex. Thus the name "missionary" position. Go. Figure.)
Missionary position -- face-to-face with husband on top during sex -- usually is the easiest position for a husband and wife to figure out.
(This possibly is because it is what we most often see implied during any love scene in the movies. Or maybe because somewhere along the way, we too learned that this was the "proper" way to have sex).
Just to set the record straight, nowhere in the Bible does it say the only position in which a husband and wife can have sex is with the man on top, facing his wife.
Let's not shackle ourselves to rules that really don't exist.
I'm not saying missionary position doesn't have its plusses, because it does. In Paul Byerly's survey, in fact, it was actually listed as the most popular position (see 6 Best Sex Positions) -- with "wife on top" coming in second.
One of the downfalls of missionary position is that it can be one of the worst ways for a wife to orgasm -- unless she and her husband have discovered that he needs to move forward enough to have the shaft of his penis in more direct contact with her clitoris. In most cases, this would put his chest more at her face level, shattering our whole romanticized movie version of sex, yet increasing the likelihood she will actually climax.
(TMI in that last paragraph? I'm not sure).
All that being said, let's hear it for the wife occasionally (or often?) being on top during sexual intimacy.
I'm a big champion of the wife being on top during sex, and here's why...
1. You as a wife are more likely to experience pleasure.
While on top, you can control the rate and angle of penetration, easily making adjustments to what is going to work for both you and your husband to climax.
The first few times you are on top, it may seem awkward, but trust me. This is not a difficult position to master. And once you do, I'm betting it will rank high in your sexual repertoire.
Plus, you will find ways in this position to bring sensations to his body he doesn't feel in other positions. I think there is power in that -- you being able to turn him on, which then turns you on.
What. A. Beautiful. Godly. Cycle. Right there in the privacy of your lovemaking.
2. He gets a visual feast, sexually speaking.
Ladies, if your man is like most men, he is enamored with the female body. And most husbands are most fascinated with their wife's body.
Your body is the one female body to which the Lord has said your husband should partake of often -- with his heart, his hands, his tender kisses, his caresses.
And his eyes.
When you are on top, you allow him to really see you -- your face, your breasts, your body move on his.
Want to really accentuate this? Let the light from the closet cast some light into the room. Or turn on a bedside lamp or light a candle.
3. You share some of the physical effort required to have sex.
Okay, sex probably can't be classified as an aerobic sport, but as any of us who have had sex knows, it does require some exertion. It is far from being a passive physical encounter (at least if we are intent on enjoying it).
When missionary position is the only option on the menu, this means your husband is doing nearly all -- if not all -- of the work.
But when you are on top, well… for lack of a better way of saying it… he gets to enjoy the ride a bit more.
Sexual intimacy in a marriage is rich with opportunity for abiding and loving connection. There is more than one position that will usher you into that holy experience. And you being on top is worthy of consideration.
Want to read more about sexual positions? Check out my somewhat humorous post Hey, I'm a Housewife, Not a Gymnast.
And my pal J has written about the topic too in her posts How to Try New Sexual Positions, Mission Position, and Why Try More Than One Sexual Position.
Copyright 2015, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
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Posted in authentic, marriage problems, sexual intimacy, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized Tagged with: sexual positions, wife on top
One would think with a headline like that, I'm going to ramble on about positions, sex toys or skimpy maid outfits.
You were hoping for that, right?!
I have indeed touched upon those things before, like when I talked about positions in my surprisingly popular post Hey I'm a Housewife, Not a Gymnast.
Today, though, I want to zero in something that universally applies (whether you are getting crazy with positions. Or flavored lubricant. Or role playing.)
The best way to have fun during sex?
Be friends with your spouse.
Not the radical insight you've come to expect from a sex-crazed housewife like myself, right?
Sorry about that.
I really do think, though, I'm on to something here.
Tag along with me. (Goodness, you are already here, you might as well keep reading. It's either that or watch that stupid YouTube video your annoying cousin sent you).
When it comes to sex, I appreciate an intense orgasm as much as the next person. But I attribute amazing sex in my marriage to the fact it is anchored in a candid and trustworthy friendship with my husband.
It is that friendship that allows us -- equips us -- to have so much fun in bed.
If you want to build stronger friendship that leads to more fun in your sexual intimacy, here are three suggestions...
1. Realize that how you treat each other off the bed impacts what is going to happen on the bed.
Sounds simple enough, I know, especially in theory. Sadly, this is something that too few couples take to heart -- probably because it does indeed take intentional effort to walk in the direction of endearment.
Marinate your marriage in kindness, playfulness and grace, and you are bound to have some outlandishly fun moments beneath the sheets.
For some married couples, friendship comes naturally -- either because they had built a deep friendship before they were married or because they each are generally friendly people.
In other marriages, though -- maybe even in yours -- a husband and wife easily lose sight of what drew them together. The rigors of daily life sap their energy and patience. Before long, they spend more time arguing about tedious details than embracing intangible blessings.
Respect, selflessness and sexual attraction? Yeah, those dissipate so quickly that a couple's "normal" is characterized by forced civility and "peace at all costs."
Yuck. Not exactly a backdrop for fun sex.
- Are there ways you could be nicer to your spouse on a regular basis?
- Are there opportunities you could savor that would make tender friendship more plausible?
I'm just asking, because you and your marriage are worth it.
2. Stop making excuses for not spending time alone as a couple.
If you want to strengthen your friendship as husband and wife, you have got to figure out a way to be alone with each other. I'm not talking about naked and alone (although, that's nice too).
I'm talking about fostering an atmosphere that is conducive to great friendship --
- Uninterrupted conversation
- Enjoyment of shared hobbies or interests
- Meals without children
- A service project near and dear to your hearts
- Evenings away from home
You get the idea.
I don't want to reduce it all down to "date night," but the concept of that is soooo necessary.
While my husband and I often find the responsibilities of our life and calendar absolutely crushing, we have learned to be diligent about our time together to connect. Not surprisingly, sex in our marriage bed is better because of it.
Fiercely protect your alone time as a couple.
3. Learn to not be easily offended.
This can be a toughie, because I know that sexual intimacy is an incredibly vulnerable place. And in some marriages, sacred trust has been mishandled and/or insensitivity has taken root.
Add to this a slew of Hollywood-induced romanticized images of sex, and it's no wonder we are easily disillusioned with real sex.
Real sex is messy and awkward and sometimes even embarrassing.
These things don't have to be stumbling blocks. Ironically, they can be building blocks to the kind of transparency and safety necessary for phenomenal sexual intimacy.
The marriage bed should be a place where you can laugh with each other. Not at each other, but with each other. Spouses who are friends with each other have fun sex because they have built a wealth of playfulness that is exclusively known to the two of them.
Be discerning of your spouse's insecurities and don't take advantage of these. Instead, take accountability in building your spouse up so they increasingly feel more comfortable sexually.
If you are the spouse who is easily offended, honestly ask yourself if you are over-reacting. Maybe you are. Maybe you aren't. Either way, communicate openly with your spouse with a heart motive of growing closer together, not further apart.
When you stand back and take stock of your marriage, can you say that you and your spouse are genuinely friends?
That friendship likely holds the key to unlocking the best way to have fun during sex.
Copyright 2012, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
Posted in authentic, intimacy, marriage problems, passion, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized Tagged with: passion, sex toys, sexual intimacy fun, sexual intimacy in marriage, sexual positions
I don't need to peruse a book to learn every sexual position. (Those books crack me up, though).
And let's be real here -- I don't need to spend too much time actually having sex to know I wouldn't be able to do the majority of positions in those books. Good Lord, I'm an average every day housewife. I'm not a gymnast or Olympic athlete. The wheel-barrow? Seriously?
No matter what anyone says, 40 is not the new 20 -- at least not where my flexibility and abdominal strength are concerned. I've given birth people. Let's not even mention what happens if too much blood rushes to my head.
Call me selfish, but I actually want to enjoy sex. Any position that could result in a trip to the emergency room or compel me to start popping Vicodin does not sound pleasurable.
And, of course, there's always that possibility that I'd have to actually explain how I was injured.
"Well, funny you should ask. Let me tell you, it all started very innocent. Before I knew it, the dresser was involved. And a pair of handcuffs. We even dug out the old Boppy from when I was nursin' the young'uns. It wasn't enough, though, to soften the blow when I hit the floor. Go figure. And don't even ask me about the disco ball. I thought we had that thing secured tight enough when we grabbed on to it. Apparently those things are not made to hold a combined weight of 350 pounds. They should put that kind info on the box."
Sexual positions. The repertoire of ones that most of us can do (and enjoy!) is not quite as broad as one would hope. Let's just say Cirque de Soleil does not have me on speed dial.
Even so, I do think positions are worth discussing.
First of all, missionary position has its benefits (face-to-face contact, a husband's easy access to his wife's breasts, lots of free use of both spouses' hands, etc.)
But missionary position has pa-lenty of drawbacks too.
It's one of the very worst positions for a woman to climax (Unless, of course, her husband has learned that he needs to be much further forward so that the shaft of his penis is in firm and direct contact with the clitoris. I'm just saying.).
Also, missionary position assumes the premise that the man should be doing all the work when it comes to sex. Hmmm. The man doing all the work. Great concept when it comes to removing rodents from the attic. Not such a good concept when it comes to sex.
Maybe your husband would like it if you would have your way with him.
Which brings me to what I think is a fabulous position (and one that most normal everyday people can do with no athletic training).
Wife on top.
Some husbands find it totally hot when their wife takes control of things and is on top. I even wrote a guest post for Stu Gray about how I Think the Proverbs 31 Wife Liked Being on Top. It also can be a more stimulating position for a woman, because she's in control of the rhythm and pressure on her clitoris.
Entering from behind. (I'm not talking about anal sex, which I'll cover in another post). I'm talking about when a husband enters his wife's vagina from behind.
This can be awkward until you get the hang of it, but many wives and husbands are surprised to discover the pleasurable sensations are different -- and in some cases better -- than experienced in other positions.
For you as the wife, this could be because your G-spot is getting more stimulation. I'm not sure. I just know it's a position that should not be crossed off the list without at least a little consideration.
There also are various positions you can explore simply by changing the angle of your legs and the way you prop yourself with pillows. Making love in places other than your bed can broaden the possibilities as well, such as on a couch, in a recliner or on the floor.
Sadly, so many couples become just plain bored with their sexual intimacy -- because they are unwilling to find new ways to explore each other's bodies.
I've never been a big fan of "variety for variety's sake," but I do think we sabotage our intimacy when we go on auto-pilot. Touch him here. Kiss him this way. Allow him to get on top of me. Done.
Sex is meant to be a lot of things, and I can't help but think fun is one of them. There's nothing in the Bible that would suggest a married couple is limited to missionary position as their only form of sexual expression. If anything, the Bible would remind us that we serve a Creator who delights in creativity.
Which brings me to another point. Some positions are just plain silly, but a little silliness when jumping in the sack can go a long way to endear a husband and wife to each other.
When trying new sexual positions, give yourself and your husband freedom to laugh with each other. Notice I said "with each other" and not "at each other."
Along those lines, I have some wisdom for you husbands reading this. You are in a tremendous role to genuinely and specifically tell your wife what you like about her body. If you want her to grow in sexual confidence, tell her what you find beautiful and sexy about her as a person and about her body.
A note to you wives -- get courageous and actually grow in your sexual confidence. When your husband compliments you and wants to enjoy you, receive his affirmation. Time is fleeting. If you are waiting to lose the baby weight before you allow yourself to embrace all sex can be, you are missing out on savoring your marriage.
Sexual positions. You don't have to hang from chandeliers. You don't have to install crazy contraptions in your bedroom (unless ya'll are into that sort of thing.)
And you don't have to be a gymnast.
You're not training for the olympics. You're making love to the man you promised to have sex with regularly when you stood at an altar and married him.
If somewhere along the way the two of you forgot how fun that can be -- or never discovered how fun it can be -- then I'm throwing down a challenge to you.
Make love. Tonight. In some other position than missionary.
Copyright 2011, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
Posted in sexual intimacy, Uncategorized Tagged with: intimacy in marriage, missionary position, sexual intimacy, sexual positions, wife on top