5 Things Husbands Do that Turn Their Wives OFF Sexually

Posted on Sunday, August 25th, 2013

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woman apprehensive sheets 246x163 5 Things Husbands Do that Turn Their Wives OFF Sexually photoI'm often accused of rallying around sexually-deprived husbands (figuratively, mind you) way more than I come to the defense of the wives who are doing the refusing.

Guilty as charged. I admit it.

The emails of exasperated husbands flood into my in-box, and I find myself wanting to have long heart-to-heart conversations with their wives about the cost of neglected sexual intimacy.

(It's not like I can't relate. I was once a wife long ago who was doing the neglecting, so we would definitely have that kindred soul thing going on).

Yes, I do tend to write in the direction of wanting wives to stop going on lock down when it comes to sex.

Even so, I get that there are things husbands do (or don't do) that make it emotionally and physically difficult for their wives to connect with them sexually.

Husbands, here are 5 things that really turn wives off sexually...

1.  Lack of personal hygiene.

I'm not saying she never looks out at you all sweaty and mowing the lawn in your faded college shirt and doesn't think to herself, "Man, I want some of that!"

BUT, in general, if you want her to get naked with you, you better be taking care of the basics...

  • Shower often and wash your hair
  • Brush your teeth often
  • Keep your fingernails and toenails clean and trimmed
  • Trim hairs growing out of your nose and ears
  • Wear clean and appropriately fitting clothing
  • Come to bed smelling at least clean and maybe even with a little cologne on

Here's the kicker:  Don't just pay attention to personal hygiene when you want sex.  That compounds it all as a big turn off. "He's willing to clean himself up when he wants in me, but I'm really not worth it the rest of the time he's around me."   That's what she's thinking.

2.  Looking at porn.

Wives hate it when their husbands look at porn.

Any wife who says she "doesn't mind" or that she "likes it" is lying or deceived.

If and when you as a husband gaze upon the pornographic images of women and/or anyone in a sexually charged situation, it devalues your wife.

She feels alone.

She feels like she doesn't measure up.

She views what you've done as adulterous, even if she won't come right out and say it.

Pornography in any form (on your phone, tablet, computer, television, DVDs, magazines) diminishes and ultimately destroys any hope of authentic and profound sexual intimacy with your wife.  Same goes with visiting strip clubs or "adult entertainment" venues with scantily-clad waitresses or dancers.

You can't have it both ways.

You can't have phenomenal sex with the woman you are in a covenant relationship with AND simultaneously feed your porn habit.   You. Can't. Do. It.   Any sex you have with your wife is going to be medicore at best and non-existent at worst.

3. Wanting someone to join the two of you in bed.

I know some of you may think it is outlandish that I would even suggest there are husbands requesting this sort of thing, but it does happen.  I personally know wives whose husbands have thought it "completely reasonable" that they invite another woman (or, in some cases, another man) into their bed.

Sometimes, the husband wants a threesome.  Sometimes he just wants to watch his wife sexually with another person.

Some husbands will go to great lengths to make such a request more palatable, but mark my words, your wife doesn't want to do it.  Same goes for spouse swapping or anything else along those lines.

And if she does agree to do it, that doesn't make it right and it doesn't mean she likes the idea.  More than likely what it means is she sees no other alternatives to salvaging her marriage with you.

As a husband, you should be the protector of your marriage bed and a guardian of your wife's heart.  Don't put her in any position where she has to compromise her values (or yours) by partnering with you in committing the sin of adultery.

4. Neglecting her emotionally.

I know this is an often over-generalized point:  Wives need emotional connection to feel loved and guys need physical connection to feel loved.

Maybe a better way to state it is that a marriage void of emotional intimacy and physical intimacy will be prone to big chasms of distance, contempt and obligatory sex.

She'll do it.  But she'll be doing it out of duty, rather than out of feeling profoundly connected to you.

This isn't about bartering for sex or setting up patterns in your marriage where the mindset is "I'll do this for you, if you do this for me."

Rather, it's about recognizing that there are no short cuts to authentic relationship.  Fabulously delightful sex is the result of two people who have built a fabulously intimate friendship.

5. Downplaying the importance of her sexual pleasure.

Yes, more than likely, it will take her longer to climax than you.

That's not always the case, but studies and good ol' practical experience reveal that the clitoris is a bit more finicky than the penis.  Add to this that women often have a harder time switching gears and getting in the mood for sex, and it's no surprise that her having an orgasm is rarely going to be quick.

Go figure.

Even so, when sex is just about your own personal pleasure and you are only "in it to win it" for yourself, she will continue to see sex as a chore to just check off her list.  "Get in, get done and let's move on" will be the lens through which she looks.

She may even fake orgasm to either protect your ego or to just bring a quick resolution to the whole ordeal.

I once went to a wedding where the pastor looked directly at the groom during the ceremony and said, "I'm going to tell you something young man.  You better satisfy her sexually or someone else will."

Now, we can debate how appropriate the timing of his comment was, but there is much wisdom resonating in his words.  He wasn't saying she has a right to go elsewhere for her sexual satisfaction. He was saying that her orgasm matters and it's her husband's responsibility and privilege to bring her that intense pleasure.

Become a student of your wife's body and never stop learning what it will take to please her sexually.  Encourage her to tell you and show you what it will take for her to climax.

If you are a husband and you read through this list of 5 things, do you see where you could become more conscientious?

And a word of encouragement to all you wives... if indeed you have a husband who is paying close attention to these 5 things and striving to honor you with his heart, time and body, are you reciprocal?  Don't leave him wondering if you truly love him. He needs your love not just in word and theory, but in sexual action and attitude, too.

Turning each other on sexually is worth it!  And it's so much more fun than turning each other off.

Copyright 2013, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage blog. 
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49 Responses to
“5 Things Husbands Do that Turn Their Wives OFF Sexually”

  • Kwala says: August 25th, 2013 at 11:46 pm

    Considering I 1) have great hygiene and have recently lost 15lb (not that I was big), 2) rarely look at porn, 3) don't want a threesome, 4) help her through hard times like we are going through now, plus the every day, and 5) ensure she orgasms when we "do" make love (ie twice this year), something's wrong.

  • Summer says: August 26th, 2013 at 12:18 am

    Kwala you say something is wrong... but you already addressed it. You "rarely" look at porn..
    If once in awhile is enough porn for you, why isn't once in awhile enough sexual encounter for her?

  • Kwala says: August 26th, 2013 at 12:50 am

    Hey I'm talking like a few times a year. It is not the cause of my sexless marriage. Neither is every job I do around the house to help my wife, everything everyone suggests to me, the months and months of praying and crying out to God, people telling me it will work out, that God hears my prayers (yet doesnt seem to change anything). If you want to talk about sin affecting my marriage how about we address my wife sinning by not fulfilling my sexual needs? That's not a few times a year; it's every week. How about my wife showing more physical affection to her girlfriends (one in particular) than she ever does to me? Is she having an emotional affair? Is that why she doesn't want to? Why doesn't God sovereignly step in when I've done everything I can? I've sought professional help; they say I need to talk to my wife about it. Her response - "I don't meet your needs so maybe you should find someone else". Or she palms it off. So yeah how's that for refusal/sexual sin? Now you know why I sometimes slip into looking at porn. And of course, for my occasional slip up, I'm crucified as the one causing this problem! What about my WIFE's sin?

  • Kwala says: August 26th, 2013 at 12:55 am

    And here's another one - I told my specialist about how depressed I get. She acknowledged it. I didn't tell her about the self harming thoughts I get as a result of my lack of intimacy and sexless marriage. I will be telling her this week. Yet why won't God intervene? Does He want me admitted to a psych ward? To hurt myself? The daily devotion says He hears me; that's nice, but He's not doing anything, as I spiral out of control. Now it's your turn to suggest some action. Leave? As David said - "My tears have been my food day and night".

  • Summer says: August 26th, 2013 at 1:37 am

    I refused my husband for so long due to my own issues that now he refuses me. I am currently reading His Needs, Her Needs & Love Busters & participating in "The Love Dare" in order to work on my marriage. This is of course on top of seeking God's direction and counsel in my marriage. I am certainly not one to offer the best advice but it sounds as though professional help as a married couple, rather than individually, may better serve your marriage. Read the books, I knew I was the problem in our marriage before, but then I thought I stopped being the problem until I read these 2 books. Now I realize just how much we both are still problems toward one another.

  • Kwala says: August 26th, 2013 at 2:16 am

    Thank you for your response; the problem is my wife denies there's a problem, and would not go to counselling.

  • Cassie says: August 26th, 2013 at 12:30 pm

    Julie,
    I have to say I think you hit the nail on it's head here. I have to praise my husband and say he does an amazing job at all 5 of these things. However, I have talked to many friends where these topics do arise!
    Thank you for being open and honest about this topic!

  • Paul H. Byerly says: August 26th, 2013 at 3:26 pm

    Great list!

    On the issue of hygiene, men need to understand that women (as a whole) have a much better sense of smell than men (as a whole). This is even more true around ovulation - when she is most interested in sex.

  • Larry B (larrysmusings.com) says: August 26th, 2013 at 4:08 pm

    Points 1, 2, and 3 above one would think should be obvious to most husbands. Apparently they are not so obvious to some. Point #3 has been promoted by the porn industry for years.

    Points 4 and 5 are very important, indeed, and they tie in with each other. Nourish your wife's emotional needs, and she will likely desire to make love with you more often. As well, make the effort to bring her more sexual pleasure, and she will feel closer to you emotionally. These can be mutually reinforcing. The wife who feels loved and whose husband is genuinely concerned with her sexual fulfillment is likely to be more open to doing more sexually for her husband (such as trying different positions, and more oral sex).

  • Valerie says: August 27th, 2013 at 3:03 pm

    My first husband was addicted to porn. I did not know anything about it until 7 years into my marriage and 2 kids later. I always felt second rate, he accused me of being a prude not wanting to act like the porn girls, wear what they wore etc. At one time I was so desperate to make my marriage work, I ended up watching pornography with him. I felt horrified and discussed. It amazing how those horrible images stick in your mind for a long time. I had to have deliverance to get that Satan uses that crap to destroy marriages. My ex husband was so verbally degrading, I became like him, talking really perverted. If a Christian met me during that time I accidentally offended them because my of how my ex would speak to me. I can't empathize how much porn will literally destroy a marriage. A woman (or a man) can not compete with those images of perversion.
    God Bless me with a wonderful husband 18 months ago.

  • Glori7 says: August 27th, 2013 at 3:24 pm

    Kwala...you DO have a sin problem. Sorry, but that's the truth. You cry out to God and He doesn't answer?? Repent of ANY involvement with porn! Ask God to deliver you from any desire for it! Be willing to learn HOW to lay it down! Do it for yourself, if not for your wife. Do it for Jesus, the One who paid for your sin! We all have sinned. And I am not being judgmental. So much in the scriptures says..."if you will, I will (God speaking)" Be willing to meet her needs and wants before your own. If she won't go to counseling, YOU go to counseling. Show her she is worth it to you....if indeed she is. Again....any porn is sin. It is looking upon someone besides your wife to do one of several things for you. You know what those things are.

  • anon says: August 27th, 2013 at 3:31 pm

    Kwala, watching porn ONCE is ONCE too much.

    I never refuse my DH, but he refuses me. If my libido wasn't so strong, I probably wouldn't even initiate. He doesn't look at out and out porn, but HBO provides plenty of skin and sexual stimulation, as does YouTube. He also doesn't take care of my pleasure. I have to do it myself. He may contribute to hurry it up, but otherwise, no. It is killing me, though.

  • jasen says: August 27th, 2013 at 4:00 pm

    It's like I never get laid since she had her tubes tied. I'm Really wondering how to get the sex driven girl I met back Really. I mean Really.

  • Judy says: August 27th, 2013 at 4:23 pm

    I don't want to have sex with my husband, but i do. I find him to be unmasculine. Why? He approaches sex in a wishy washy way, and doesn't have a very exciting plan for it. He also leaves almost all of the household repairs to me. He will plan dates for a few weeks and then get busy and forget. He isn't the leader in the marriage. Neither am I. We don't have one. We just float around aimlessly. I agree with that pastor. I hope I can isolate myself until menopause.

  • Christy says: August 27th, 2013 at 6:31 pm

    I would say no on the cologne, many of us women HATE cologne, personally it makes me gag and if my husband puts it on, I'm not going to be having sex, because I'm going to be spending my time gagging. I have many friends who also do not like cologne or really strong smelling soaps (like Axe...YUCK).

  • Christy says: August 27th, 2013 at 6:36 pm

    Kwala, you seem very reassured that it's not your sin, and it's all your wife. It may be, but you're blasting the woman you're supposed to love and honor on a blog, so I can only imagine that you may be mistreating her in real life as well. If you're not and you're a truly attentive husband, helpful husband, etc and you say you've been praying for months, well the Lord is trying to teach you something. If he's not answering you in your time, you need to wait and be still. He may be wanting you to focus on something else. Maybe your wife's own self esteem is in the toilet. Do you have children? Has her body changed over your marriage? The facts are God is not working on YOUR timeline, he works on his. Time for you to be obeying the Lord, stop down-grading your wife in all forms (verbally and online) shame on you.
    You aren't depressed because of lack of sex. You have a heart issue.

  • KH says: August 27th, 2013 at 6:55 pm

    Hi Julie, thank you for your ministry. As a conservative Evangelical, I do think that marital intimacy is often neglected to our detriment. One question about this post: was this post directed towards Christian husbands? I ask because if a "Christian" man justifies a "threesome," I would be concerned for his soul, not only his marriage, wouldn't ya say?

  • Jim says: August 27th, 2013 at 8:30 pm

    Here we are discussing sex in a public forum. Can you imagine doing this in any discussion group at your church ? I have never seen it.
    And even the mere mention of the word sex is taboo.
    I agree, the 5 listed things are important. if only some wives want to have an orgasm, mine says she does not need it. But in the past she enjoyed orgasms, and I rejoiced for her pleasure.
    How many wives do sexy dances for their husbands ? I have asked my wife for that, and I told her any sexy dance (semi-clothed or nude) she would do for me would be greatly appreciated, but she is not interested. How can a person be so selfish and self-centered ?
    Those of us who dated and wed pre-internet did not always have a lot of really useful advice for marriage, but the singles today can access many Christian Marriage blogs, online books, videos, discussion groups, etc.

  • Mary says: August 27th, 2013 at 8:46 pm

    Both partners need to be honest with each other, and be one in developing their relationship. I will not say its only husbands it takes both to understands their role in building up their relationship. God created Husbands as the head of their household, wives God said for them to submit to their husbands.

    In order for a wives to submit to their husbands needs or authority, first husbands must learn to love their wives in everywhere they can like how Jesus gave his life for the Church. I will not give it to my husband sexual needs until he gives me that kind of love and honest I deserve in this relationship......I don't go for cheap sex as some wives are experiencing with their husbands, I will take my stand until he gives me his whole life the way Jesus did for the Church.

    Thank you

  • JulieSibert says: August 28th, 2013 at 2:26 pm

    @Mary... Maybe I'm playing devil's advocate here, but what if your husband is saying to himself, "I won't be the head of the household until she submits to me."

    God calls husbands and wives to love sacrificially, as Christ loved the church, but He doesn't say "wait until the other person goes first." What if Christ waited to love us until we loved Him first?

  • JulieSibert says: August 28th, 2013 at 2:29 pm

    @KH... I didn't direct this at Christian husbands specifically, but I addressed the "threesome" issue because I have known of both Christian and non-Christian husbands who request such a thing.

    I agree with you that any spouse who says they are Christian yet requests something that is so blatantly outside the lines of God's plan for marriage certainly is struggling with sin and deception.

  • nunia bizness says: August 28th, 2013 at 4:50 pm

    I'm surprised that the "threesome" request would be on here. I don't know of anyone (especially Christian) that has brought that up; of course, it's not like this is light conversation but still. ???

    I've gone through nearly 27 years of this being very lonely. If I had known that marriage was so freakishly lonely I wouldn't have married in the first place because I cannot stand that feeling especially when lying in bed listening to my wife breath while she's fast asleep and I'm awake for hours on end (if I sleep at all).
    I appreciate the efforts of listing these simply 5 issues; but certainly not issues within my relationship.
    I would like to mirror these 5 against the wives:
    1- What about YOUR lack of hygiene?
    Yeah, you don't think you have odor? Ha-ha!
    Do you keep your area tidy? I prefer no hair down there but that will never happen. I trim my body hair all over the place because I HATE body hair. And don't gimme the God made us the way we are.... really? What a VERY shallow argument. seriously!
    2- Do you care much about (if at all) you husband's sex pleasure?
    3- Are you EVER concerned about HIS emotions? Why is it that only woman's emotions matter? Do guys not have emotions? Did we enter our teens and it slowly vanished? No, we're just not as vocal about every little detail.
    4- Do you show respect toward your spouse and while away from him?
    5- Do you just take him for granted that he will just simply do his job and supply you money to live?
    6- Do you EVER, EVER, EVER display your love for him? If so, can you ask him, "What may I do for you today to CAUSE you to FEEl loved?" Love is an action word. What is actions are being done to produce more love? Can your spouse SEE it? Feel it?

  • Kwala says: August 28th, 2013 at 7:18 pm

    Christy, thanks for your reply. Can I suggest you come to my house, observe everything that happens in my family, how I treat and speak to my wife, and if you don't like it, maybe then will you have the ammunition to say "shame on you".
    I do agree with you however on God's timing.

  • Learning says: August 28th, 2013 at 8:06 pm

    When my daughters got married, I told each of them, "The only person you can change is yourself." Now, I'm learning to follow my own advice. Sure, I would love for my wife to have a stronger libido. She doesn't. We've discussed it many times over the past ten years. I've prayed and prayed for God to change *her*. But, just as Jesus loves his bride just as we are, he has blessed me with a woman to love *just as she is*. My sex life may never be what I have dreamed it would be, but I still vowed to love my wife unconditionally. So, I will. Don't tell me that my new attitude will make her want to make love to me. That will only make me think about my own desires and not about meeting hers. My job is to love her, period.

  • Jim says: August 29th, 2013 at 7:53 pm

    @Mary - Please clarify what you mean by "cheap sex". Maybe he wants to do his part quickly without adequate foreplay for you ? Show him what he needs to do, or maybe offer him a quickie so in the next interlude a few hours later he will not be so on the trigger and can spend lots more time on foreplay for you. Just maybe.
    You say "husbands must first learn to love their wives in everywhere they can..." before you give him any sex. Ouch, that is kinda hard for men to do for more than a short while. Maybe both husband and wife could start being more generous at the same time.
    You are asking for many things, he is asking for only one thing, basically, and that is an emotional need for a husband, too.
    In the following link we read: Sex is so tied up in his ability to feel loved, that you’re basically saying to him: “I want you to shower me with affection and love me completely even if I don’t show you any love at all.”
    http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2012/02/29-days-to-great-sex-day-6-why-your-hubby-wants-your-body/

  • Jed says: September 1st, 2013 at 5:39 pm

    I will have to admit that I read the other replies quickly and got interrupted in the middle, so I may be repeating something, if I am I am sorry.

    I can understand why all of those reasons would be a problem for a wife. I would not blame her for being upset about any of them. If you are a man reading this, I would say, you need to make changes and to do it now.

    However, I would say that if you are a wife who has a husband who is doing one or more of those things, that you need to not just use it as an excuse to not have sex and find a way to fix the problem. I know, that in most of these cases, the bulk of the work & change needs to be done by the husband, but it is the wife's responsibility to help her husband in order to heal the relationship and make it whole again. A marriage needs to have sex in it, it is important.

    I hope that there are no women out there who look at these problems and say, "Great now I have a reason to deny my husband." Instead work on it, change him, make any changes that you need to make.

    BTW - If you are a guy out there who is finding reasons to deny your wife, you need to fix that problem also and make the changes necessary to help the marriage better. Don't blame each other, fix the problems.

  • A Jardine says: September 1st, 2013 at 7:22 pm

    @Kwala: I feel very sad for you, but I have to say, been there done that. We have been married over 25 years. We had a fantastic courtship, including arriving at our wedding as virgins. There were two things in particular that made me interested in marriage to her (besides her great looks and intelligence): we could talk about anything, and she responded to me (emotionally and physically as much as possible consistent with the law of chastity). And we had a great first year of marriage, with sex almost every day (and she had an orgasm most of the time). But after our first was born it was busy, sick, tired, busy, sick, tired, etc. ad infinitum. And the two things that were so important to me ceased: we couldn't talk about sex and she didn't respond to me, emotionally, romantically or very much sexually. Sex was down to a pretty predictable once every 5-7 days and that's it. Oh, and she NEVER initiated. Even in sex she did little or nothing to enhance the experience for me. For many years I complained. Things would get a little better for about two weeks and then back to busy, sick, tired. It was tough to hang in there, and if it hadn't been for our children I very much doubt I would have. But our children transformed my life. That's isn't to excuse my wife's neglect, but at least I had something.
    I write all this so you will know I understand. I really do.
    But things have started to become somewhat better, beginning around December of last year. I don't really know why, but here is one thing I did that I do think helped: I found and signed up for the emails from The Generous Husband (sent to my work email), and from the Generous Wife (sent to our home email) (The writers are married and TGH are written to men, and THW are written women). I try to read mine every morning and then I send it home to her to read. She isn't as methodical about reading them as I am, but I think she does read them before deleting them. I think they have helped, and for several reasons. They come every day, so there is a little bit to think about every day. They are not all about sex, but there is a lot about sex. You will read many references to 1 Corinthians 7:1-5. As far as I am concerned, that is the Christian law of marriage. And if your wife reads both yours and hers she will see that the man is far harder on his male readers than the wife is on her female readers. We have dog we walk twice a day and it provides a time to discuss. I believe over time this had made a big impact on her.
    Also, I think Julie's writing is frequently linked at TGH and TGW. Julie has written a lot on this and she is fantastic.

  • Some Very Happy Christian Hubby says: September 5th, 2013 at 5:47 pm

    Wow... JUST FIVE?
    =)

    Just because a man addresses these five and others doesn't guarantee his wife will then be turned on. There's more for the man to do (and not do), and there's more for the wife to consider.

    My wife is more in the mood when she knows she looks good. She feels better about herself and is more amorous.

    Most women think about multiple things at once - something I can't quite understand. It's hard for a woman to be distraction-free during intimacy (at any level or stage), but it's something they have to work at AND something us guys have to contribute to - by NOT being a distraction and removing any existing or potential distractions that we can.

    As for us guys, we need to be a man women desire: Look better and lose weight (is that snack or extra helping *really* better than sex? Because you may be saying so and not really realizing it). Identify her love language and 'speak' it. Show that you care about becoming better in your job - not by spending more time there, but showing initiative in becoming more valuable (and subsequently more highly regarded there). Read books. Turn off the TV except for family time shows and movies. Show her you still have the 'alpha dog' qualities of taking care of things out and around the house, but tender enough to share the burdens inside.

    I worked on myself as much as I could (and have more to go). My wife looked into options and discovered testosterone pellets - implanted into her hip in her dr's office. We have gone from have sexual intimacy 3-5 times per year to (at first) 3-5 times per week -- and that is no exaggeration. And our lovemaking has been deep and, at times, quite varied. And we're in our mid-40s. The pellets are NOT an immediate fix to your sexless marriage. There has to be more going on between you to ensure communication is right and all other levels of personal connection are in place, if not improving. And I was fortunate that she looked into it, rather than me bringing it up (heck, I didn't know about that option anyway).

    I wish more was covered on that, but there's plenty more to it than that, too. So please seek a balanced, unified approach to comprehensive marriage fulfillment. There are no easy buttons.

  • Anonymous says: September 10th, 2013 at 3:14 pm

    I must comment that I take some offense at the hygiene statement, somewhat implying that men are feral pigs as far as cleanliness goes. Quite the opposite, it's women that need to watch the feminine hygiene. All the Christian husbands I know are average to fit in appearance, clean, don't smell and don't have bad breath. And those very same husbands are always wondering if their wives will be interested in sex ("is tonight the night?"). One item you should tell women is that 8 out of 9 women after marriage admit to "letting themselves go". It's far more likely that females gain weight than men. They quit shaving their legs as often as they did when they were dating, and let feminine cleanliness be a once-in-a-while thing. "You're supposed to love me the way I am" is one of the most destructive, yet common, cries of married women I hear. Please stop the stereotype of all men are smelly beasts. I am one of the cleanest men you'll encounter, and am very aware of odors. The ladies, by their design, have far more things to watch for hygiene than men do.

  • JulieSibert says: September 17th, 2013 at 10:23 am

    @Anonymous.... you need to look at the bulk of my site to understand that I wasn't saying all men are feral pigs. This particular post is about things some husbands do that turn their wives off. The reality is that there are some husbands who do these things.

    I'm not denying that hygiene is an issue for some women as well. But that wasn't the topic of this particular post. I have many other posts on the site that address things women do that inhibit or destroy intimacy.

  • Rosemary says: September 28th, 2013 at 1:09 am

    LOL!! Interesting that I found this site. We've been married nearly 15 years, and I can count the number of times we had sex on fingers, and maybe a toe or two! I discovered that my husband had an addiction to porn almost immediately after we moved in together. This was a 2nd marriage for us both, we were over 40, so when I first came upon his duffle bag full of videos, I dismissed it as the leftovers from batchelor-hood. Then, the addiction moved to the computer, but all was kept in a guest bedroom. I thought maybe something was wrong with me. I continued to go to church anyway, and sometimes he would attend and promise to stop viewing porn. He didn't, and gradually our sex life ceased to exist altogether. He was having such difficulty maintaining any type of erection, then nothing. I found he was still looking at porn because from time to time his computer would spam my email with porn sites he had visited. And still I've stayed, and still I pray for him and our marriage. I have considered affairs, but I can't because I am married and fear God. Now I'm in my early 50's and this has simply become my life. Our children are quite grown now, and we are even grandparents. I try very hard to stay busy, but unfortunately I still have a very strong desire for intimacy. He is nearly 60, so I just believe that ED is pretty set in. If a man will not desire his wife (and for the record, I'm not overweight, keep myself up, wear a bit of make-up, good hygiene and everything,) what can you do?

  • WH says: October 9th, 2013 at 7:56 pm

    Just curious - do wives mention a desire for their husbands to get "manscaping"?

  • Dan says: October 11th, 2013 at 3:28 pm

    I think one missing ingredient in this conversation is the word commamd. Respecting your spouse is not an option . Loving your spouse is not an option.
    Jesus did not wait to die on the cross until we deserved it. Men are commanded to love their wives, there is no clause that allows us to withhold love because she doesn't respect us! Wives are commanded to respect their husbands! We must remember that we are responsible for our own sins. Disdobeying what God has commanded is a sin. We are to put God first in our lives and our spouses second. Sex out of marriage is a sin! That being said if we are married and have a need for Sex (A need put there by our creator) then we must seek sex solely with each other.. Not porn, not books not by ourself. This is God's will and design. Sex with your spouse out of Duty to your spouse is not the way God intended it to be! If we do ALL things to glorify God and his will then we are pleasing our Lord. God designed us, he designed marriage and he desinged sex. To consciously refuse sex to your spouce is a conscious choice to refuse refuse what God deems as good!

  • solomon says: October 17th, 2013 at 5:56 am

    great points you raised here. but what will you say when your woman request that both of you watch porn movies especially when you want to make love?

  • JulieSibert says: October 18th, 2013 at 9:42 pm

    @solomon... if your wife wants to watch porn, absolutely refuse. There is no room for porn in any relationship, let alone a marriage.

    Porn tarnishes the exclusivity of the marriage bed, because it brings into the lovemaking third parties, even if they are not actually. Also, porn typically objectifies women and men (and sadly, sometimes children), and is far, far removed from what God envisions for healthy sexuality and sexual intimacy.

  • geese says: October 20th, 2013 at 5:55 pm

    This is a common issue. Women often marry because it means they don't need to be sexual any more. Men mistakenly think it means we get to have sex with our wives. There are exceptions.

    My rules for managing the lack of sex issue is as follows 1) never try to have sex or show your sexuality to your wife if she is not the sex type. That just leads to all that rape and pervert talk that a few women on this forum have described. Last thing I need is a wife who believes I'm a sexual predator, 2) stay fit. Make sure you remain sexually attractive to women who still notice these things. Either your wife may become sexual again and appreciate it, or she will divorce you/run off with someone else and you will be in a position to "go back to market" 3) master the art of redirecting your sexual energy. Don't turn to porn or adultery.be a better dad, a friend to your wife and invent the next big thing for mankind. For my part, I joined the Coast Guard reserves. Tough thing for a man in a sexual relationship to commit too, but when there is little difference between talking in person and by Skype, though weekends and weeks away are 100% painless. Hope these tips help.

  • PoorKwala says: January 14th, 2014 at 3:20 am

    DEAR kwala,

    I feel bad for you, not just because of what you are going through but also because of the comments made as a result of your posting.

    Firstly, people here assume that your wife knows that you watch porn sometimes. I'm guessing you hide it as most men do. And considering you do it sometimes only, she probably doesn't know. So from her point of view, you don't actually watch porn.

    Secondly, your problem is VERY common, a couple of drinks with a stranger and he will probably make a similar content about how he has to wait for his birthday months away for something as small as a blow job - which will be done as a favour anyway.

    Some guys are lucky where the great sex that almost all of us have BEFORE and probably for a few years after marriage either continues or they find that their wives are happy to sit down and deal with the issue of a dwindling sex drive - in which case you should do your best at it.

    But as another poster said that his wife doesn't even think there is a problem - and I think this is the majority - shows it all.

    Believe me, at the courting stage, the beautiful woman you are going crazy about won't care if you constantly smell of beer and smoke - which most of us probably did when we were young.

    In my opinion, most women (I am not generalising all women, but I do believe that this is the majority in western /modern society) realise that they don't really need to have great sex with their husbands anymore... Cos what are they gonna do? Leave? Yeah right.

    The reason you got married is you are probably a 'nice guy' and she knows you are not going to leave.

    In my opinion, the only reason your wife will start showing invest in you sexually ever again is if she knows that you are extremely unhappy and that there is a danger you might cheat - even that will continue until she thinks the danger has passed.

    Being a 'nice' guy, you probably won't cheat anyway... So your nice period won't last long and will just add to your frustration.

    If you want to move ahead and stop the constant torture that you are going through and I completely understand those feelings, start reading some books and STOP asking for sex - ever. Don't ever ask for sex again.

    Just think about it, do you really want the pity sex offered by her twice a year? What did that do for you? Apart from one good half an hour, a period of frustration again sets in as it just doesn't happen again... Does it?

    Move ahead and accept that she is not interested sexually anymore, and the only reason she may have more is cos YOU are unhappy. If she wanted more sex with you, she would be having it - sometimes it is really just that simple - no matter how much other women might try and tell you otherwise.

    Do you think your wife is actually gonna tell you - 'darling, I actually can do without it completely, in fact I prefer it this way baby, let's just live happily ever after and grow old together' - no she won't.

    Here are some suggestions for reading. And one last thing - stop feeling bad for yourself, accept your situation and MOVE ON.

    1. no more Mr nice guy
    2. The married man sex life primer (only if she suddenly magically wants to work on the sex life - otherwise it's a waste of time for you)
    3. The manipulated man - dont take this too seriously, it's a bit crazy but I know you will relate to it.

    Good luck and stop being unhappy.

  • Reba says: February 12th, 2014 at 10:47 am

    I suppose this falls into the emotional needs category, but husbands need to know that refusing to engage in conversation can dampen a wife's interest.
    This morning I confided in my husband about not understanding until recently that sex has an emotional component for him and that his frequent comments about other women's beauty led me to believe he would prefer self stimulation to being with me. (If he wants them and I don't look like them, he must not want me.)
    His response was to avoid eye contact, change the subject and leave the room.
    In some ways, conversation is to women what sex is to men. I felt I took a risk by sharing some intimate information and was left hanging. Perhaps I should have chosen a different time.
    We have sex 3-4 times a week and I enjoy it--a lot! But today, instead of looking forward to our evening together, I am wondering why he wouldn't talk with me.
    Maybe this scenario will help some one who reads these posts.

  • Reba says: February 21st, 2014 at 2:58 pm

    I am still struggling with “Keeper of the Visual Rolodex: Why it’s so natural for him to look and so hard to forget what he’s seen.” (For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn)

    How can I feel respected in the bedroom if I must wonder whether my husband is picturing having sex with another woman when he is with me? How can I trust that he wants me (not just sex) when the research shows that “even happily married men struggle with being pulled toward live and recollected images of other women”?

    I celebrate that God created my husband with physical, emotional, relational and spiritual needs for sexual intimacy. And I am doing my best to understand and meet those needs. But how can we have true intimacy with all these images in his mind?

    I was created with a need to be the only one my husband desires sexually. And he is wired in a way that makes it impossible for him to meet this need. It seems there is a double standard: he has sexual desire for many women but needs me to desire only him.

    I’ve been trying to ignore this issue and focus on positive aspects of our relationship, but I need find resolution and release from feelings of inadequacy and failure. I would appreciate hearing some encouragement from others, especially husbands.

  • jenna says: April 13th, 2014 at 10:12 pm

    My husband of 12 years has never quite been on point with his hygeine. He did well when we initially met. I have become fed up and spoken to him several times about it. It has improved some but took many years for him to even shave on a regular basis. He does not shave, brush his teeth, comb or cut his hair or bathe on a regular basis. Just the other day he made the comment that now since the weather is getting warmer he can get his haircut. Smh what kind of crap is that?I think he may take a bird bath or shower once a week. Who knows how often he changes his underwear? We haven't slept together in years anyway. I don't think we've had sex in a year. He doesn't change his clothes or keep his wardrobe up to date at all. Nails and hands are awful. agree with not only taking care of hygiene only when they want sex. That is a total turnoff. I used to have sex only because I felt obligated to do so. No more. I have come to the conclusion that if he doesn't care enough to take care of something as simple as that then he doesn't love or respect me enough. He should also do it for himself and as an example for our 2 girls. This isn't the only issue we have. I cannot continue dealing with this.

  • Dina says: May 15th, 2014 at 11:34 am

    No women wants a man to touch her if he veiws women like sex objects, I know for me that is the biggest turn off.

  • Stephen says: May 30th, 2014 at 4:34 am

    If you're waiting for God to answer you Kwala you might be in for some wait there's a bit of a que. You want your wife to want you? Stop whining like a child then and be a man. I'm not trying to have a go or upset you but whether you're getting an unfair deal or not no woman (that I know of) is gonna find you whinging about it a turn on. Look after yourself, make yourself happy, look at porn if you want you're not getting action anywhere else and don't try to explain yourself you don't have to and she doesn't want you to. Work out, do the things that make you happy and an interesting person.

    If you're always running round trying to make her happy without getting what you want then she's not going to respect you. If she notices a difference because you're busy looking after yourself and asks what's wrong/changed tell her calmly and carry on. Don't get worked up or in a debate, you've already said your piece and she'll need time to process it so hold of whining about it or arguing and just make yourself happy without needing her to make you happy. She'll soon say that's enough of that!

    On another note, I mentioned to my wife that I'd always had a threesome fantasy and she told me she had too. We experimented a bit with sex toys and had a great time and it only made our sex life stronger so no.3 is wrong from my own experiences.

    In fact so is no.2. I'm not stupid I have intuition and realise when my Mrs is tired or just not feeling it so when I am and she isn't I sometimes stick the porn on. Most of the time she is happy that we're both getting what we want that night but every now and then the thought of knowing I'm getting myself off in the next room turns her on and she gets up and comes for sex anyway.

    "Any wife who says she "doesn't mind" or that she "likes it" is lying or deceived." what a terrible line this is.... You're not only telling us that ALL women are the same but making the ones that aren't feel shamed or some other negative feeling because this info would show that there's something wrong with them.

    People are different and it's up to you as a husband to know what you want and what your wife wants. If you're not giving her what she needs why should she do it vice versa. And if you're not getting what you need then you can't force her to be different you can only change yourself. That's what praying and asking god for help is about... finding his strength in yourself if you believe in him in a Christian sense.

    I myself am not Christian but if that's where you draw your strength from then each to their own but no internet blog has the power to tell you what's right and wrong. That comes from inside yourself.

  • kenneth fernandez says: July 4th, 2014 at 10:29 am

    Should like to know more

  • Rebecca says: August 13th, 2014 at 10:52 am

    I realize this is an old post and you may have updated it since then, but I would add the following:

    1. Refuse any physical affection (hugs, kisses, even the sort of nonsexual touch women do with children, friends and acquaintances) unless it is part of foreplay — and insist that all foreplay be an immediate precursor to intercourse (within minutes of the actual act).

    2. While not allowing any physical touch outside of the sex act, insist that "physical touch" is your love language.

    3. Only show an interest in your wife when you want to have sex.

    4. Point out her many failings and shortcomings in and outside the bedroom. Let her know that she fails to live up to your expectations in all the ways that are important to you, and that she is a disappointment to you as a wife.

    5. Complain that her sex drive does not match yours exactly. Tell her that being willing, even eager, is not enough. You want her to be "on the same page" — to think, feel, act, and respond exactly as you do.

    6. Expect her to read your mind. Sulk when she doesn't.

    7. Refuse to "jump through hoops just to get sex". Complain that she is "never in the mood", but refuse to do anything that might be romantic or make her feel connected to you. In fact, make your approach to sex as mood-killing as possible — perfunctory, devoid of tenderness or compassionate, even demanding and crude.

    8. Compare her unfavorably to other women.

    9. Do nothing to lighten her load. Insist on piling more on her plate. Insist that your needs trump hers. Show no pity for the fact that she is sleep-deprived. While refusing to help in any meaningful sort of way, complain that she is "always exhausted". Act as if it is her fault or a lame excuse.

    10. Complain about her sexual performance. Critique her. Turn sex into a performance, rather than an expression of love.

    11. Gossip about her "sexual problems" with others. Betray her confidences, especially if she has been sexually traumatized in the past and has begged you not to tell your friends. (Bonus points if you can make her feel shame and humiliation at church.)

    12. Do not respect her.

    13. Make belittling comments about her body. (Guys, I know lots of you think it's hilarious to joke about your wives' bodies and you wish they would lighten up. Maybe you are brimming with sexual confidence and would laugh yourselves silly if she repeatedly mocked and belittled your penis, no matter how caustic and derogatory her humor. But most women don't need what little confidence they have undermined. Besides, your jokes probably remind her of the mean jerks in junior high and the street harassment creeps she tries to avoid. It's not funny to her.)

    14. No matter how hard she tries, let her know it's never enough.

    15. Claim that you need sex in order to feel connected, but continue to act distant even when sex is happening daily and she is doing her best to meet your needs. Continue to withhold affection and keep conversation to a minimum.

    16. Make the sex act as devoid of affection as possible. Make her wonder if you are even aware of her presence. Make her feel like a masturbatory aid.

    17. Complain that your wife is inhibited sexually and doesn't act sexy enough. Don't accept her for who she is. Expect her to undergo a complete personality transplant for your sexual pleasure — act as if you don't really want to make love to HER, but live out some sexual fantasy with a woman your wife cannot even fathom or may not even want to become. Make her feel like a failure or sinner for not immediately taking on this other persona. Make her feel as if who she is as a person is fundamentally flawed and that her temperament and personality is incapable of bringing you the sexual pleasure you desire.

    18. Insist on sexual positions your wife finds uncomfortable. Crush her beneath your weight. Make her hold you up in order to be able to breathe. Leave her feeling sore and weary.

    I could go on and on, but I'm continually surprised that the things women have tearfully confided in me over the years, the things I've read from hurting women online, and the things that should be so glaringly obvious, seem to be overlooked and ignored on websites like this. I would argue that the 18 things I listed off the top of my head (and I know some marriages where all of them play a prominent role, along with the husband "letting himself go") are far more prevalent in Christian marriages than men asking for threesomes.

  • Young Wife says: August 31st, 2014 at 8:20 pm

    There is so much anger, bitterness, and resentment on this post. More than on the post that deals with partners (but mainly women) not refusing each other. We've clearly hit a sore spot.

    I think what you've addressed here is good in general, but I'd like to point out that many women are not just not interested in sex. Sex is actually painful. It's not "supposed" to be, but it often times is. That's something that I wish more husbands (and the world in general) would understand. For women after giving birth, for women who've had restrictive upbringings in which they were discouraged from understanding their own sexual responses, to women who suffer from sexual dysfunction (it happens far more than most will admit or even realize), sex often appears negative.

    What I think would help in this arena, and something that I have discussed with my own very loving husband, is for husbands to realize that sex comes with a LOT of negative connotations for women -- sometimes these negative ideas have been drilled in so subtly that she doesn't even realize it --, even though it shouldn't. Look at sex with your wife as a time to lovingly invite her to understand how awesome it can be, that those messages she's been receiving most of her life are wrong, and as a time to show her that you love her completely. Honestly, I don't think the rest (hygiene, etc.) really matters as much as that. I agree with the above poster too about the importance of showing her you care in all areas and valuing the steps she takes.

    Think of it this way: For many (though certainly not all) Christian women, I would wager that learning to have sex (yes, it is something you learn) is sometimes as difficult as learning to ride a bike when you're already an adult. The person you are learning from (whether he has practical experience or not) generally (though not always) has more enthusiasm and has had more positive messages about it than she has. Embarrassing her, belittling her, being impatient with her, mocking her; these will get you no where fast. It will just teach her that sex is something she wasn't going to like anyway, that she isn't any good at, etc. Encouraging her, not scaring her, being patient with her if she doesn't pick it up as fast as you do or if she's worried or scared to try, and always ending on a POSITIVE note no matter what happened or didn't happen between you will get you much, much farther (into her love -- and into sex -- but isn't it about how much you love her after all?).

    I know that many here have harped about Kwala's statements. I agree that any pornography in your life has to go, and I say that as a woman who struggled mightily with pornography but realized that I had to give it up in order to honor my husband (before we were married, by the grace of God). The fact that your wife said she felt that she could not satisfy your needs and that you needed to look elsewhere suggests to me that she may be very aware of your porn problem. To me, what she said is a fairly clear code: I know I'll never be enough. My two cents: Don't take that as an insult. Hear it as the painful expression that it is. I'm not saying I know your wife better than you, but, to be honest, and just judging from what I've seen of you through your posts here, I am not reminded of Christ who gave His life for His bride. That's not to blame you or imply that your sexual relationship with your wife is your fault -- but your behavior and attitude are the only two things you actually have any control over. You can't change your wife; no husband can.

  • Sissy says: September 8th, 2014 at 7:35 am

    I am a follower of Christ but my husband is not. Many have criticized the fact that I married him when I was in a backslidden state siting that I should not have become unequally yoked with an unbeliever. Well, he believes in God, he just refuses to allow Him to lead him in life but has in the past commented on the scripture about a wife obeying her husband. Why? Because since 2003 things changed between us...because of his hygiene. I noticed that he would not wash up or take a shower for days at a time, and also the plaque on his teeth was disgusting. We are talking about a man who would chew his food and then call me to look at him, and when I did, he would open up his mouth so that I could see the disgust there. One time it made me throw up and so has the smell of his body odor and extremely bad breath. I never met anyone who ever did that. Anyway, as the years went by, I would notice more and more that he needed to shower, but he never did. Finally I went to him, and because I know how sensitive people can be when they are told that they need to wash, I asked him to come on and take a shower with me. He would decline stating that what if one of the kids walked in on us? At the time my daughter (from a previous relationship) was about 7 and my son about three. That sounded crazy but I said OK, I’ll go with that for now. But then there were times that the kids were over at relatives’ homes, and still he did not want to shower with me. I went to my doctor and asked him what could happen if my husband and I became intimate and he refused to wash up before that. He told me that I run the risk of ending up with an infection, so see if I could talk my husband into taking a shower beforehand.

    Nothing I tried worked. It was then back in 2003, I got so exasperated that I just blurted out to him “why don’t you want to shower?” He said that there were more important things going on than worrying about that. He then told me a few days later that he did not love me anymore. After that, he told me that he had an affair and had no need to be with me, but then he said he felt guilty about having the affair so that is why he felt the need to tell me the truth when I asked him if he was.

    I was going to try to kill myself after that “confession” but one of my friends called me up and came and got me. I set up appointments with psychologists and my husband would drive me to the places to talk about my feelings and try to help me through it, but he never stayed. I asked my husband a few months later why did he not want to take showers even after I said something. And I did not say it like “ewwwwwwwwww, you stink!” He told me that after I said something to him about his hygiene, that he figured, “OK, she feels this way, then I will wait a few more days to shower.” He did that on purpose, all of this payback just because I wanted to be intimate with him but would not if he was not clean.

    In 2005, things escalated as I found out more and more about the things that he had been doing, and in the midst of that, found out that he not only lied about having the affair, that he was not going to tell me the truth either. I asked him why then, did he drive me to therapy, and he said, “to help you get over the affair”. But, he never had an affair, he made the whole thing up in the hopes that if I believed him, I would have sex with him no matter how bad he smells. He is a very insecure man who has in the past made up lies about himself to try to impress me which was ridiculous because we were already together. He even went so far as to take off his wedding band after I finally told him he needs to wash, in the hopes that if another woman saw that he did not have it on, they would find him attractive which did not happen, and that made him even more angry. He stinks all the time, his breath is so bad that when he sleeps even after [eventually] washing it, the smell of his bad breath literally fills the room and it makes his hair look greasy and feel nasty.

    Well one day a few years ago he said to me, “please let me know when I need to take a shower.” I told him no way was I falling for that again, and he said that he would not think that I was being critical, that he knows now that I was not trying to before, that he knows that he is being lazy when it comes to washing himself and keeping clean. Well, I took him up on that and a couple of weeks later, I did let him know, just as he asked, and he turned around and got so ANGRY with me because I did as he asked me to.

    It is one of the things in my life that is depressing me. I tried everything that I know how to try to get him to shower, but he will not. He looks like he’s eight months pregnant, skin always looks sweaty and clammy, and again, when I say something about his hygiene, he says that there are other things more important than that.

    There is no intimacy in our lives now, no sexual relations since 20003. I have tried everything, even talking again to him bluntly about it and he has recently acknowledged that he don't know why he does not shower regularly, he knows he needs to. To date, it has been eleven days since his last shower and he does not care. Coupled with the abusive ways (emotionally and mentally) that he has treated me, it had put a strain on my relationship with Christ. I cried out to Him repeatedly about it, I checked on MYSELF daily to make sure that my walk was on point with Him, I asked Him to reveal to me whatever it was that I had done that I had not repented of...I wanted only to please God and yes there were other stressful things happening in my life but this one had me stumped with the way my husband was treating me.

    I can't stand him to touch me anymore, and I don't just mean in a intimate way, I mean just touching, holding me, he just stinks so bad and I find him repulsive. Yet, I don't want to hurt his feelings...so I finally ended up telling him that it hurts me to be [physically] intimate with him so he would not ask me for sex anymore. And with all that...I finally ended up having an affair which did not make me feel any better and I have asked the Lord to forgive me for it, but I knew and know in my heart that my marriage is dead. I guess I should have known it never really was a marriage from the start when he asked me to marry him so that I could get on his health insurance so that he would not have to pay out of pocket anymore for my daughter and myself...I don't believe it was ever a love thing.

    He does not care if he makes others sick to the stomach; he was a cop and worked around people for hours and there is no way that any of those people there can say that they had not smelled his stink after all of these years. I have since stopped praying for him matter of fact my prayer life is very stale, like the embers of a fire in a coal just being barely there. The more time I spent with another man, the more distant my walk with the Lord became. My psychologist and a minister told me that his lack of care in oral hygiene is a form of abuse, but I guess it does not matter; we have been sleeping in separate rooms now for years...I just can't do it.

    So please tell me, what am I supposed to do? Keep believing that a change will happen...since 2003? When everything escalated during the time he told me that he had that bogus affair and after he finally told the truth, I had not one but two mental breakdowns and ended up trying to kill myself. On the last time I did attempt suicide I was put in the hospital and locked in a room with a gurney that had straps on it. He has mocked me and taunted me, and one day while having an argument he said to me that the real reason he did all that to me was because I chose God over him, that I stopped watching porn with him and decided that God was more important to me than him. Yet, he said that he is jealous that I have someone that I can turn to (meaning Christ) and he envies that. He has said so many things to me I just don't know what to believe.

    The guilt of the affair is weighing on my heart since I am married and the man I had the affair with is married also. I am in an emotional rollercoaster of a mess inside my heart, inside my soul. I take responsibility for the mistakes I made, but I cannot and will not take responsibility for my husbands lack of hygiene which in part has lead to our marriage being null and void.

    I tried everything I could to try to keep the marriage strong and alive, and I keep asking myself, what did I do? My husband is insecure within himself with his appearance, is that my fault? I tried so hard to build him up years ago but gave up on that too. So now the question is, what do I do? Will Father forgive me for the affair, has He done so? I have ended it and I'm determined to stay way from that man, but then there is the question of my marriage? I feel and have felt emotionally detached from my husband and the love that I once felt for him has been destroyed, burnt out with the abusiveness and all the past hurts that has scarred me. What is there left for me? I yearn so much to get beyond where I was in my relationship with my Heavenly Father but that just feels so far away now. What do I do, when all hope seems lost?

  • JulieSibert says: September 10th, 2014 at 11:16 pm

    @Sissy … Thank you for sharing so vulnerably about what is obviously a very painful situation in your marriage. I don't have easy answers, but I do encourage a few things.

    First of all, from what you've shared, your husband sounds abusive. Now, whether that is because of mental illness or some other reason, I obviously am not a professional counselor and couldn't really say. Your expectation that he shower regularly is not unreasonable at all, but honestly, I think his struggle with good hygiene is likely reflective of bigger deeper issues going on in his life. Again, if he is willing to see a counselor, that would be good. Sounds, though, like he is not willing to do that.

    You need wise counsel as to how to proceed. Do you have a church where you could seek the counsel of mature Christians? Do you have access to professional Christian counseling? There are deep hurts and manipulations and emotional abuse going on toward you from the man who vowed to love and protect you, so obviously you need solid Christian support on what to do in this situation. Status quo is not an option, in my opinion.

    You cannot change your husband, but you can take steps to get healthy yourself, beginning with wise counsel. Do you have safe mature Christian women who you can confide in?

    I'm sad with you for what you are going through. Sad for your husband too that he seems so indifferent and careless (and possibly mentally sick).

  • Alessio says: September 12th, 2014 at 11:21 pm

    I have had nine major surgeries in the past six years, six for me left shouder, one for my back, and two for my left foot. My wife won't have sex with me because I have put on a lot of weight as a result of the surgeries, which caused me to become inactive.

    I have lost 50 pounds since my last surgery in May, but she claims my stomach is still a big turn off.

    We have never had marital problems and we had a good sex life before the surgeries, but I was always fit. Now I am finding out that she is turned off by my apearance.

    I have a very high libido but nowhere to turn for intimacy. I am a faithful husband.

    Several years ago, after 7 years of marriage, my wife's sister had her wedding. My wife was in the wedding party and when she rode with the party in a limo, she did "something" to one of the males in the party. I was waiting at the reception and when they arrived my wife's cousin was upset and told me in front of my wife that my wife did something that was at the level of "cheating, and grounds for divorce". Her cousin wanted my wife to confess to it but my wife laughed it off and told er cousin to stop exaggerating. I pulled her cousin aside, but she did not want to give me specifics and thought my wife should do that.

    Well, I found out from others who were in the limo that she had rubbed some guys penis through his pants, then she unzipped the pants and masturbated him until he ejaculated. While dong this to him, he fingered her to orgasm. Others in the limo were egging them both on.

    I never made a big deal of ths, but now my wife is not interested in sex with me, and she is very guarded when it comes to her phone and ipad. I am just wondering if something is going on.

    We have been married for 33 years, we raised 4 children, we always say we love each other, and we are happy together. But still, something does not seem right and I am thinking about that wedding incident all the time now, even though it happened many, many years ago. My wife never admitted to it.

  • new to this says: September 28th, 2014 at 4:22 pm

    I have only been married for less than year but starting to experience this problem. I feel like our problems started bc of stress especially financially. He couldn't find work, stays in house most of time while I work and go to school. He started to gain weight, get lazier, hygiene just went out the window. In doors he is nothing like what he is known to be in the community. And the drinking.
    So my sex drive has gone down, its hard for me to be attracted to his laziness. And he's become lazy with sex. Just wants to lay there and let me do all the work! Well I'm tired too! What about me! And when I make suggestions of what pleases me I get rejected. He just goes on and on about how he's never had a problem in the bedroom. Suggest that I'm just not freaky enough!
    Did I marry the wrong person? Its impossible to get a man to admit he can do more in the bedroom. I am not his exes. I am just me.

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