Intimacy in Marriage

Encouraging Christian Women toward Healthy Sexual Intimacy

Tired of Him Wanting Sex? Consider this…

Upset couple sleeping separatelyI know many of the wives who read my blog already have a healthy view of sexual intimacy.

They actually like sex and see the positive difference it makes for them and for their marriage.

My hope is that if you are one of those wives who loves sex, you will courageously share this post with your friends and acquaintances through your social networks.

Here's why:

We have an opportunity to save marriages.

That sounds so drastic. I know.

But I regularly receive emails from husbands -- CHRISTIAN husbands -- who are so exasperated and discouraged about the lack of sexual intimacy in their marriages, they are actually considering divorce.  True story.  Every week, I receive emails of that nature.

And their wives have no clue.

So, basic math would tell me that same dynamic exists in numerous Christian households.  Likely it exists within the marriages of some of your friends, acquaintances, co-workers, neighbors, Bible study pals and so forth.

I can't reach all those marriages (or even a portion of them), at least not without your help.  Please consider sharing this message with them (and with yourself, if any of the below resonates with you...)

If you as a wife are tired of your husband wanting sex, consider this...

1. The simple fact this is a struggle between you and your husband shows that it is indeed a struggle.

In other words, is ignoring the situation or expecting him to lighten up about it helping anything?  Seriously... is it?

Or is it only causing more division, frustration and discord?  And if he has stopped asking or bringing the matter up, honestly that's more cause for alarm, in my opinion.

This is the person you willingly VOWED to honor, respect and love as God defines marital love.

That kind of love... the Godly sort of love in marriage... includes sex, particularly sex that is mutually nurtured and valued.

Think I'm crazy?   Try this... humbly, authentically and courageously ask your husband this question:

"When we make love and I genuinely enjoy that time with you, what does that do for you?  How does it make you feel?"

If you rarely or never enjoy sex or initiate, you could ask this question:

"How has it made you feel that I don't show much interest in sex in our marriage?"

Ask him to respond honestly (and don't attack him for his answer).

Pray and ponder about his response in light of your ability to make the marriage stronger and healthier.  After all, he can't legitimately go get sex elsewhere (and I don't think you really want him to, right?)

You're it when it comes to satisfying his godly sexual desires.

If the comments and emails tell me anything, your husband is probably like most husbands. He wants his wife.  Not because he just wants sex, but because he genuinely wants to bond sexually, emotionally and spiritually with the woman he married.

You.  He wants you.

2. If you have past issues with sex, could it help your marriage if you found healing in those areas?

I know the prevalance of sexual abuse is high among women.  Statistics vary, but the most common one says about 1 in 8 women have at some point been sexually abused.  Some statistics place the figure closer to 1 in 5.

If you were sexually abused and that abuse is still wreaking havoc on you being able to enjoy sex with your husband in the right context of marriage, please seek help.  Please.

You are worth it. Your husband is worth it. Your marriage is worth it.

If your past issues are of your own doing, such as promiscuity before marriage, and you associate all sex with being sinful, you are believing a lie.

Sex outside of marriage certainly is not God's design, but there is no reason to let your past promiscuity (or your spouse's) to continue to rob you.

If your past issues are that some well-meaning Christians gave you completely messed up teachings about sex, forgive them and move on to healthier teachings.  Seriously. Move. On.

There are many of you reading this who were always told sex is gross, wrong or just your "duty" as a wife.    Absent from these types of teachings from your church or Christian adults in your life was the TRUTH... that sex is good, holy and right in marriage.  It certainly goes way beyond mere duty, at least if we are paying attention to God's take on the matter.

God designed orgasm and pleasure for BOTH a husband and a wife.

God talks extensively about sex in His Word, and whenever He talks about it in the context of marriage, He speaks of it positively.

3. Sex isn't just for him.

There's a lot of irony going on in marriages where sex is a struggle.

Usually, the picture goes like this...

A husband badgers his wife for sex.  She gives in, does it and checks it off her list until the next time he bugs her about doing it again.

Rinse. Repeat.

She doesn't really find much pleasure in sex, but "oh well" she thinks to herself. "At least he is sexually satisfied for now and will leave me alone for awhile."

So where's the irony?  Well, by you not really enjoying sex, you are robbing BOTH of you.  Orgasm and genuinely being present during lovemaking so you can appreciate it really is quite good for you.  Your pleasure matters.

And when you experience pleasure, your husband enjoys sex more.  You being sexually fulfilled makes his sexual experience better.

If you are tired of your husband wanting sex and you think everything would be fabulous if he just stopped wanting it, I encourage you to humbly dig into that a bit.

Would it really be better and healthier if the man who loves you and is building a life with you decided sex just isn't worth the effort anymore?

Copyright 2013, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage blog.

July 19th, 2013 by