Five Words to Describe Sex in Your Marriage
Posted on Wednesday, January 9th, 2013
What five words would you use to describe sex in your marriage?
Be honest.
Be real.
Whether they are positive, negative, just an observation or a combination thereof, please scroll down to the comment section and put in your five words.
I'm anxious to see what words you all share.
I moderate my comments, so I have to hit "okay" before they go live (this prevents spam from filling up my site).
If you want, you can be anonymous. You don't have to give your name.
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What five words would you use to describe sex in your marriage?
Copyright 2013, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
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So hopeless I've given up.
Missing, unsatisfactory, unwanted, unimportant,
Exciting, improving, exploratory, sometimes frustrating.
What sex? I've given up.
Exciting, sizzling, hot, sensual, passionate!!! Married 20 yrs.
Spicy, frequent, passionate, worship, bonding.
Soul-fusing, foundational, haven-ish, steady, and fun.
(My past self would tell you that it hasn't always been this way. My present self tells you that it's possible. With care and work. Yes, work, with heavy doses of honest communication and love. But, never, ever give up.)
Holy, glorious, orgasmic, bonding, tender. (Married over 30yrs.)
fulfilling, passionate, loving, giving, satifsying
Frequent, diverse/kinky, passionate, fulfilling (Married 25 years, but endured many years of refusal to get here.)
sporadic, bland, lacking, difficult, un-inspired
Growing, learning, forgiving, loving, beautiful.
New
Awkward
Caring
Promising
loving
improving
exploring
tender
kind
private
confusing, frustrating, amazing, growing, foundational
18 years of no sex
She has totally shut off
Warm, learning, de-stressing, silly, peaceful.
She's not that into me.
passionate, selfless, glorifying, breathtaking, cementing.
-married 6 years, wasn't always that way until I realized what my rejection of him truly meant to him. Now i feel like I am the one blessed and always looking forward to each new day
Passionate, exciting, bonding, too infrequent
I orgasm more than you. (Just kidding. You knew I couldn't play it straight, right?)
Serious answer: Consistent, Intimate, Intense, Holy, Playful.
Oh my gosh @J... you totally crack me up. As always.
Sensual
Loving
Unselfish
Erotic
Holy
I must add completely over the top fulfilling. Ladies, (and gentlemen), please be honest with your spouse about your desires and needs. If those desires and needs go unheard, PLEASE seek help before its too late. Sex is a gift from God...enjoy it to its fullest within the boundaries if your marriage. Have fun...explore your spouse....don't be selfish. Our marriage took a long time to get here. I wish we would have been honest wih each other from he start because then, our entire sex life would have been incredible! Now married 25 years and our sex life is exceptional
Nonexistent
Unimportant
Resentful
Questioning
Jealous
I have a sexless marriage
playful, exploring, loving, sexy, learning to cope with medically induced ED
Infrequent. Lacklustre. Boring. Sad. Rejection.
unimportant, infrequent, unsatisfying, frustrating, sad
HOT, daily, passionate, erotic, OURS.
Married almost 32 years. It's been this way less than a year, but we're making our next 30 years fantastic. I've never withheld sex, ever, as I see that as a sin against my husband or at least a stumbling block to lead him to sin, but sex was always a chore & boring & there was never much foreplay which always made me feel used and unattractive. Over the years, I came to deplore the act and tried to be as uninvolved as possible. We married young- 18 & 19, knew NOTHING about sex and who do you ask?! I just knew I was supposed to do it. Being young we were both selfish & immature and then life happened. My husband became a doctor, we purchased a clinic, we had 6 children, I home educated etc., etc., but we were still selfish & immature sexually. This past summer, I decided life was just too freaking short to continue to have crappy sex for the rest of my days so I just took control of it even though it was WAY out of my comfort zone. Now, the more I give, the more I get and we rock each other's worlds! Thank you Julie for your blog. I wish I could encourage wives to do what I did and choose to change themselves. Really, this is the ONLY life you get. Marriage & sex ARE gifts. What kind of a stupidhead gets a gift and doesn't use it? I did, until I realized I was a stupidhead. No more of that for me.
nearly sexless
boring
passionless
rejected
Restorative, Fun, Special, Exclusive, Passionate
Missing
Anger
Tempted
selfishness
wondering-eyes
Predictable, infrequent, frustrating, but improving
HOT!!!, loving, FUN, relaxing, completely-mind-blowing!!
This after 12 years.
Renewal
Comforting
Giving
Celebration
Oneness
sparse
hurried
routine
careless
distracted
Rare, heartless, misunderstood, wishing, selfish
Fun
Holy
Orgasmic
Anticipated
De-stressing
Intimate, warm, loving, comfortable, fun.
We have been married for ten years, with plenty of growth together. We've had six kids in this time, which has made maturing in patience, flexibility, and love all the more essential.
Helpfull to us (in addition to loving eachother) has been that we have learned not onlythe sexual cycle of our monthly rhythm while fertile, but also the ~24mo cycle of sexuality during our childbearing years.
Wow!!! The swing from hi to low is extreme. The lows are really gut wrenching. The highs are almost unbelievable.
I find the very small middle ground interesting.
Connecting. Evolving. Fun. Sharing. Transcendent.
I am also a stupidhead in recovery. After denying my husband the sex life he wanted for about a decade, I finally got over myself. Now we deal with ED and possible low testosterone, and we are still figuring out our new patterns of sexual interaction. This is the happiest I've ever been in my marriage of more than twenty years.
My heart hurts reading some of these comments. Reminds me how much my stupidheadedness hurt the man I love. I had no idea that what I was really missing out on was not orgasms, but true intimacy and a chance to be part of something bigger than myself.
Boring, lacking, uneventful, pathetic & careless...!
Nonexistent, hurtful, sexless, pasionless, frustrated (married 16yrs to a porn addict, and HATE it! So lonely) I have wanted to leave, but have been reminded by my pastor that this is a covenant with God, not just my husband.
not worth the effort, tiring
These replies are fascinating. I guess only the extremes would reply. Where there is loving sex the responses give lots of hope, albeit with initial envy. If only more Christian women would get their act together and be the sensual woman God's word requires.
Redeemed. Awestruck. Glue. Immeasurably more.
To "Frustrated" above. I am sorry for this agony you endure. Hang in there. I have felt your pain and loneliness. Work as hard as you can to heal from these offenses against you and pray for God to restore the porn addict. It is possible... and if you get to witness that restoration it will build your faith to watch the transformation. God will surely honor your faithfulness even if your spouse never defeats this enslaving sin. I just want to offer you hope that it can be different
Always refuses, it really hurts.
Glorious
Mind-blowing
Relaxing
Evolving
Infrequent
Spiritual, sporadic, dutiful, disappointing, unilateral
McKenzie,
I am sure your husband views your reflection with appreciation and awe, and if he doesn't he really should.
Praise God that you saw what this means to your man early in your marriage, I am sure it will pay continually and for the long life of your relationship. You should hold classes for ladies.
This is probably the only area where we've never had an issue, but the frequency could use adjusting!
Amazing, fulfilling (for us both), exciting, creative, unselfish!
@ Anthony:
I find your comment both unkind and unfair. It is not always the wife who is "the problem" and in many cases, one spouse has some very difficult issues to overcome. It takes patience, communication, and acceptance from BOTH spouses to create a satisfying sex life, even in the best of circumstances.
In all fairness, I have no idea what your situation is, and cannot speak to your specific relationship. However, I know that if my dear husband approached me with a "you need to get your act together" attitude, it would be extremely difficult for me to desire him.
With all due respect, it might be time for some honest self examination, my friend.
Playful
Hot
Fulfilling
Nurturing
Better (than it used to be)
Lacking oral, improving, connecting, frequent
Infrequent, lonely, sad, frustrating, hurtful.
As a fairly attractive woman I never dreamed I would be the one ignored and begging for attention. My husband is a workaholic, has gained a lot of weight and low testosterone levels. He has promised to try harder in the sex department, but things never seem to improve. He got a low testosterone diagnosis but will not take supplements. I want to be pursued and want to have a fulfilling, active sex life. I have pretty much given up and have been very tempted to go outside our marriage for attention. I know we need counseling and prayer, but my husband just thinks I'm obsessed with sex. I'm not. I would be happy with sex once or twice a week- not once or twice a month. Is that so unreasonable?? By the way, we have been married 18 years and I am 40.
@ Anonymous Please
I did not choose my words very carefully. Let me explain. It just seems as though there are many Christian marriages where the wife seems to be unwilling to help to work at what appears to be a marriage will little if any sexual intimacy. I understand that there can be many issues that need to be addressed and that both husband and wife may need to correct their behaviour and attitudes.
In my situation my wife understands that we need to address our sexless marriage. She just will not.
There really are no valid reasons for not trying or any issues that we can not solve. We are both 58 and have been together since 1977.She was unfaithful in the beginning for 5 yrs.
I love my wife and am hugely turned on when I see her naked. I tell her. However I can not give her pleasure as she holds me at arms length. We are great friends.
Passionate
Adventurous
Loving
Secure
Oneness
@Jason, Thank you so much for your kind words! I really have to give a lot of credit to this blog and my husbands prayers! It wasn't until the bizillonth argument on sex that I started to search the Internet for Christian sex advice to actually give me ammo for all the reasons why I DIDN'T have to have sex like my husband wanted. Boy was I way wrong in my mindset! I think when you set out to try and change someone else it's at that time God changes YOU! We were able to have a wonderful conversation that was frank and honest and we both had our eyes opened. Ever since then we have had an Amazing sex life! It has gone from almost non existent to almost daily ( this with two under two)! I wish more women would read this blog and more men would pray for their wives as hard as my husband prayed for me!
Improving
Exploratory
Careful
Painless
Beautiful
Our sex life had been a low point for a while. Our physical incompatibility almost spelled the end for us because both of us need sexual relief on a regular basis. An agreement to do whatever it took to improve it and have pain-free sex has helped a lot.
It's awful seeing so many people not having good sex with their spouses. One thing we never experienced was a lack of desire for one another, and I hope we never do.
More than you and J
or, I could steal the titles of your two blogs:
Hot, Holy, Humours Marriage Intimacy
You crack me up @Paul H Byerly!
Giving
Growing
Sacrificing
Expressive
Holy
Bad. Getting worse every MONTH.
No progression. Always more regression.
I never say no. She never says yes.
Sometimes I wish I could swap wives with some of these women in sexless marriages. I know better, I'm just being real and venting.
@ Joe, real is encouraged but all to rare and it is understandable on all accounts. I wish you the best. A wise man once gave me counsel and I will share:
Between you and your wife is Jesus. Look him in the face when you are angry or resentful. You are telling him all the things you have to complain about and he is telling you, "how are we?" I have had to repeat that to myself over and over. Believe I know your pain. I am living it every day. I still fight resentment and anger; I struggle to not lash out in hurt and anger. We talk now and again about it but the fact remains we want different things for our sex life and it is a daily struggle just to meet somewhere in the space between. Blessings
Semi Sexless, Very Slowly Improving
Married less than 7 months :
Loving, AMAZING, anticipated, daily, bonding.
Never knew marriage would be so amazing or that God would give such a desire. Praising HIM for it every day!
In a sexless marriage
Painful, no intimacy, heartless, boring
Married little more than a year, both virgins when we got married.
Rare
Tender
Passionate
Sensual
Monthly
Restored ( after a painful sexual past for myself/ and past porn addiction for my husband)!
Anticipated
Passionate
Exciting
Frequent
better
than
it
ever
was
I love Pleasanthome advice, "Really, this is the ONLY life you get. Marriage & sex ARE gifts" I think that is why the wife and I are now making the most of everything, sex including and other things. A great marriage and sex is a gift, it makes everything else seem not so important and that we can stand together and face about anything.
committed, better, cyclical, fulfilling, bonding
(this after 25 years of marriage (both virgins) and 4 kids- with a 12 year spread; lots of grace still needed; we grow together; ups and downs; we take turns both leading AND being frustrated
)
Tired of being turned down
passionless
infrequent
rare
hardly
desperate
We both would like more.
Belittling, denying w/justifying, walking on egg shells, non-communicative and drunk 24/7
You have NO idea on how bad I want my "wife" back. Massive deaths in her family, menopause, work load stress and school work load...
Yeah.. fun fun fun....
Frustrating, Disappointing, NotWorthTrying, OnlyWhenSheWants, BetterNotToGetMarried
Lacking, disappointing, onlywhenhewanted(once a quarter), enduredfor25years, LEAVING!
What Sex? It's non existing!!
Married for 3 years and no Sex. Time to move on to someone else!