marriage problems, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
5 Things You MUST Know if You Are Denying Your Husband Sex
Jun
Disclaimer: This post is directed at marriages where abuse is not occurring. I realize without this disclaimer, some people could assume I am saying that a wife in an abusive situation has no reason to deny sex.
If you are in a physically or emotionally abusive situation, I encourage you to find at least one safe confidante who will help you strategize on how to protect yourself and any children from the abuse.
Also, I recognize that some marriages are dealing with physical or mental illnesses that make sex difficult or impossible for a wide variety of reasons. This post is not written for those situations either.
My humble hope is that this post speaks to wives who possibly have been sexually denying their husbands, treating sex as something inconsequential and don’t realize the toll that could be taking on their marriage.
Recently I received another comment.
From another frustrated husband whose wife has been denying him sex. I get these regularly, so one would think I’m numb to them all. But I’m not. I’m grieved every time.
Because not long ago, in my first marriage, I was the wife doing the denying. I was the wife who thought it was “no big deal” that we rarely had sex and I was the one who thought that “someday” we would get around to figuring out our struggles.
Well, “someday” showed up in the form of divorce papers and another woman. If you are denying your husband sex, I humbly ask you to listen to me. One wife to another.
I want to share with you 5 things you MUST know:
1. If you deny your husband sex, you are missing out on what God has in store for YOU sexually.
I could start rambling endlessly about all that your husband is missing because of your sexual denial, but I want to first focus on you. Here’s the deal—the Cliff’s Notes version you might say—sexual pleasure is God’s idea for both a wife and a husband.
Orgasm, passion, foreplay, being turned-on, soul bonding—all that physical, emotional and spiritual stuff—those elements are all part of God’s plan for sex. And nowhere in His Word does He say he did all that just for husbands.
Nope.
His Word is clear that sex is a gift to both a husband and a wife. God wants you both to experience all the benefits of sexual connection. Orgasm feels good, and as I have often said, there is no other purpose of the clitoris except sexual pleasure in a woman.
Consistent and nurtured sexual intimacy endears you to one another, making it easier to extend each other grace. It has so much potential to be a place of tenderness, passion, fun and even stress relief! I wish I would have known all of this in my first marriage.
2. If you deny your husband sex, you are breaking God’s heart.
Okay, I get that you and your husband have issues. At least I’m guessing that’s the reason behind all the non-existent sex. Or possibly you are the one with big issues that you have been unwilling to address.
Those could be physical issues with hormones, depression or poor health. They could be emotional issues, such as past betrayals, sadnesses, family of origin struggles, or sexual abuse from which you haven’t sought healing. Or maybe they are mis-information issues. You were always told sex was “dirty” or “obligation” or “wrong.”
Whatever the issues, whether they are within your marriage or within your own journey, if they are negatively impacting your sexual desire for your husband, stop pretending like they will resolve themselves.
Do something.
Pray and read God’s Word about marriage and sex. Have a heart-to-heart talk with your husband. Go to counseling. Read a Christian marriage book. Stop staying stuck in stagnant status quo.
I know that marriage is complex, and in some marriages, the struggles are deeply shattering. I also know, though, that as long as you are married, you are in a place where God implores you to do what you can to nurture the relationship.
3. If you deny your husband sex, you are handing Satan the keys to your marriage.
Oh it sounds so harsh to say it this way, but it tragically is true. Satan is hell bent on destroying marriages because marriage is a covenant relationship God created. And division is Satan’s go-to tactic. (Divide husbands and wives. Divide families. Divide communities. Divide friends. You get the point.)
That being the case, why on earth would you give Satan any more opportunity to sabotage your marriage than he is already taking all on his own? When you regularly deny sex to your husband—or when you half-heartedly go through the motions sexually—you are opening your marriage up to unfathomable attack.
You are making it easier for your husband to fall into temptation and sin with pornography and adultery. You are watering the breeding ground of resentment and bitterness. In no way am I removing a husband’s accountability to obey God, remain faithful to his marriage vows and steer clear of sexual temptation. I’m just saying that if a man is starving, he will be drawn to any food within his reach, even if it is food that is dreadfully bad for him.
You give your marriage a much better fighting chance if you stop leaving so many doors open to Satan. Having and enjoying sex with your husband helps keep the doors from flying wide open.
4. If you deny your husband sex, you are setting a crappy example for your kids.
If you have kids, they are looking at you and your husband and constantly picking up insights about marriage. This isn’t about giving your kids the impression that marriage is always perfect, because let’s face it, it’s not. But I can only imagine that your heart’s cry is to give them the truth, and the truth is that marriage is a sacred union that is worth tending to.
“But my kids don’t even know what goes on with us sexually,” you may say. Sure, your kids are not privy to the details of your sexual intimacy, but I will bet my last dollar that they sense whether mom and dad genuinely care about each other.
They pay close attention to how you interact and how you show respect and affection. They get things that we don’t think they get. If you intend on training children up in the way they shall go, then don’t forget to live and breath what God says about marriage and sex.
5. If you deny your husband sex, you are hurting the man you love.
I don’t know your back story, but unless you are in an arranged marriage, the man who is your husband is someone you loved enough to actually marry. Yes, this is the guy who you entrusted with your heart and life. When you deny sex to him, suggesting with your actions or words that he is an insensitive animal because he wants to make love to his wife, you are hurting him. Why would you want to hurt the person you love?
If you are denying your husband sex, my heart goes out to you and him. Your actions are robbing you both of something profound. For more reading on this, check out my post What Sex-Starved Husbands Tell Me.
For more reading, you can cruise through my list of past posts, as well as my page with a bunch of posts on orgasm.
And I have a 5-video series available on building better sex in your marriage. Great way to invest in your marriage! You can find out all about it at this link: Better Sex in Your Christian Marriage.
Copyright 2012, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
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@Susie…. Thank you! I will let you know when I have the post up.
Many blessings to you…
This is a great article, so true. It’s not really about the lack of sex, its about the lack of closeness and intimacy. For the last 10 years my wife has all but refused to have a sexual relationship with me, we went for 2 and a half years at one point without ever having sexual intimacy. For the rest of that time we had sex about 3 times a year…yes a year. To me, this was a true reflection of the warmth, affection, love, care and intimacy that existed in the relationship, it was a terribly sad and lonely life for me. I can not tell you the amount of pain and disappointment this caused me, and finally I couldn’t take it anymore. I came to the conclusion that my wife despised me, and it seemed there was nothing that I could do to fix things. We went to marriage Counselling but could not break through. Finally I told my wife that I wanted a divorce. A few days later she told me that she had been sexually abused by two of her relatives, she had kept this secret from me for the 16 years of our marriage. This changed a lot about how I felt and thought about the neglect that I had experienced for 10 years, but it didn’t undo the damage, she had destroyed my sense of self worth. We are now separated and probably heading for a divorce. Denying your husband a sexual relationship is one of the most hurtful things that you could ever do to a man, and don’t deceive yourself that it is ok, it is not ok! If you have an issue with having a sexual relationship with your husband, CONFRONT THE ISSUES AND DEAL WITH THEM. If you don’t, your marriage is almost certainly headed for disaster.
It is written…. YOUR DESIRE SHALL BE TOWARDS YOUR HUSBAND AND HE SHALL RULE OVER YOU ALL OF YOUR DAYS. Argue against or Ignore or Deny that which came straight from our Creator& rule maker and you are in Rebellion. Period. Your desire shall be towards your husband in ALL matters. If you’re too tired…. make needed adjustments in your daily activities to NOT be too tired for him. Basically, the selfish wife tears her husband down. The prudent wife builds him up. It’s the duty of the wife to build that man up!!! To be his helpmate in ALL areas. Don’t bother disagreeing because your “feelings” don’t take priority over the Written Word. Be a good wife and reap the rewards either in marriage or later with the Rule Maker or Both. Be selfish and reap what you sow. I am not addressing husbands (bad or good) because THAT wasn’t the subject of the topic. Good post Julie.
Wow! I needed to hear from Christians in my hurt. I denied my husband sex today because he hardly communicates with me. We are both college professors. He does not want to know what challenges I am going through at work. I have challenges with some of his family members, he ignores it and leaves me to work it out myself. if I mention the behaviour of his younger one who is often rude to me, he gives an excuse for the behaviour, but always wants me to be at my best behaviour to him. He is fiercely devoted to his family of orientation. He leaves me to bother about our children’s welfare while he pursues that of his sister’s children. I feel hurt, he hardly communicates with me then suddenly I feel a hand on my breast at night fumbling to have fun. After that he turns away. No, I had to deny him today, I am more like an unpaid maid. I feel used by him. I really do need help. Maybe I am still carrying a grudge in my heart that he probably does not love me but married me (he told his friend) because of an inheritance left for me by a grandparent. He always wanted me to be financially responsible to him and provide all his needs. I did so for years. The inheritance is long finished. We have been married for 25 years and I still feel used. Oh I need help.
@Liz… thank you for your comment and sharing so vulnerably. I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. From what you have shared, your husband is clearly not taking care of the marriage the way he should as a husband.
My encouragement to you is that you suggest the two of you go to Christian counseling. My guess is he will refuse, but even if he does, go on your own. Not only will it give you the insights of a third party, it also will demonstrate to your husband that you are committed to doing what you can to address issues and strengthen the marriage.
Also, do you have 2-3 safe female Christian confidantes who are mature who you can pray with? I am talking about Christian women who will not bash your husband, but will listen non-judgmentally, will encourage you right where you are and will pray for you and with you. This kind of support can be so vital when we are in the midst of valley times in life.
How often do you and your husband get to spend time just the two of you away from the kids? In other words, are there baby steps you can take to start strengthening the friendship between you… maybe going to some community activities together or out to dinner or even on a walk. Express to him that you really want the two of you to strengthen all aspects of your intimacy, including the physical, but also the emotional connection.
I hope some of the suggestions help. I feel for your pain and I know many others experience the same thing. My prayer is that even little improvements can add up to something stronger and that hopefully your husband will see what he has to lose if he doesn’t start nurturing his marriage.
Now that you have eloquently conveyed one more time how wrong wives are to deny sex please do a post to husbands who deny sex. I’m a lonely sex starved wife. And rarely do I find anything from a Christian perspective directed toward husbands who withhold sex.
@Mrs.B… thank you for your comment. I do have a page on my site for wives who want more sex and aren’t getting it. You may find some helpful information there:
https://intimacyinmarriage.com/resources/blogs-and-websites/wives-who-want-more-sex-and-arent-getting-it/
I also will try to write a post soon that addresses this matter. Thanks for commenting.
What if you do give your husband sex all the time. But he still insists on constant fantasy talk about you with other men and practically begs you to make him your cuckhold even though he is supposed to be a christian? Do you have any articles on that? What about us women who do it all and it still isn’t enough?
Thank you Julie. I’ve been struggling with the lack of sexual intimacy for over 8 years. The 24 years prior were healthy marital sexuality. As a Christian man, yours is the first blog/article that resonated with me — most are just rants or non-sensical semantics. Granted I miss the actual act of sex which my wife has been denying me, but more than that is the one-to-one intimacy that it engenders. Denial also breaks down the trust bonds within the relationship, because it becomes very difficult to trust a partner that has made an arbitrary decison that so strongly impacts the relationship. You’re right too about the temptations. Satan is always lurking and patiently waiting for an opportunity to take advantage of a weakness. Luckily I haven’t fallen prey, but the temptations are definitely out there. In other respects my wife is loving and caring, and has gone to a Christian-based therapist for help and guidance, but nothing seems to be making any headway on this issue. We have normal health issues of people in their mid-sixties, but nothing that would prevent intimacy. I remain puzzled, but committed to the marriage, and simply appreciate the opportunity to voice my feelings. Due to position within the community, there’s really not anyone that I can talk with and be totally assured of their discretion. I am also guilty in that I find it impossible to cuddle with her at night because I end up frustrated — and I’ve explained that to her, but she just smiles and says ok. About a year into this period, I thought it might have been my diminished levels of performance due to some heart medication. Talked with my doctor about it and he gave me a sample of Viagra to try. When she saw it, she simply laughed and asked where and when I thought I was going to use that. Obviously it sits unopened and she continually asks when I’m going to throw it away. It all continues to go downhill, but I continue to pray for acceptance and strength. Thanks for being an ear for me.
@Jack… thank you for sharing so vulnerably. I’m saddened with you about what you are experiencing, as it does sound like you genuinely are trying to bring healthy change to the situation.
@bina… your husband is completely out of line and walking in sin if he expects you to participate in fantasy talk about you and other men, etc. Clearly, yet firmly, express your refusal to do this. Tell him you want sexual intimacy that is exclusive (in thought and action) to the two of you. If he continues to demand sex that is skewed beyond that biblical boundary, tell him you want the two of you to go to a Christian counselor and/or a mature Christian mentor. I am so sorry your husband is not treating you as Christ would have him treat you.
Hi
I am glad to hear someone posting a blog about this issue. I’ve been married for 9 years and I could count with my both hands the number of time my wife had sex with me. we produced two kids 4 and 6 and they are such joy to me. My wife is the first person I ever had sex with and she would be the only 1 I would want to have sexual intimacy with. We haven’t had any sex since the conceiving of our second child and so it has bee five years. I am not a perfect husband; though I honestly trying to improve in what I do and who I am. I was so devastated after all the years of rejections and we’ve been keeping separate room so making my coping easier. She never initiate sex not even once. Someone once say the wife you married can either make you or break you and that’s certainly true.
I live in the daily regret that why I made such a foolish choice when I asked her to marry me 10 years ago. I have a son and a daughter and I wonder how I can teach them when they grow up about choosing the right mate is so critical in the future success. I was one of those that believe if I love my wife and that would be an enough motivation for her to respond likewise. How foolish was I?
Wife who denies their husband sometime rooted in the deep disrespect for her husband. My wife will often say that she despises the kind of live I gave her that she wants to be able to freely spend on things she wanted without any concern for the money. It seems my low 6 figure salary makes her feel we are so poor. I am glad to find your blog and glad to know I am not alone with the problem and even more glad to know it’s a woman who wrote it. I often heard from my wife that since you didn’t do what I want so why should I do what you want. It seems sexual intimacy is a business trade deal. I am not so sure that I am capable to satisfy her in everything. I don’t think even God can 🙂
I read a wonderful book called Thriving Despite a Difficult Marriage few years ago when it was first published and I must say it’s a great resource for men and women, especially for men who feel they are in the rot. Please know there is a lot more to life than marriage.
@ Paul
As I read more responses from this post and I am glad to find that my situation is not the only one or the worst. Like you I also experiences what you felt. The depression could get so bad that I sometime felt death could be the easiest way out. For a while I stopped taking care myself in what I eat or how little sleep I got. However, I thought about my two little kids and got me thinking. After 9 years and 5 years without any form of sexual relationship, I am very doubtful that anything will change on her side.
My youngest is 4 and I know in 15 years as soon as I helped packed my daughter to college, I will pack mine because I think that will be all I can handle humanly speaking. Like you I deeply regret I married her and I often relive the memory of when I asked her to marry me. I often wonder why God didn’t do something at that moment so I would change the course, better yet, never met her.
Women need to understand that their husband is very easy to maintain and please. I never ask my wife for anything except one thing. It’s both comical and tragic that’s the very thing you can’t have.
This is a very interesting blog. My husband sent me this blog so I take it he wants more sex with me. Stress takes my mind off sex so will try n be dirty a bit, cook less n wash less. This shd bring excess time on hand n keep me relaxed for sex at any time t.
This article interested me, mostly for what it DIDN’T say. The “children” part doesn’t apply to us…my husband’s children are grown and we have none.
It’s not that I “deny” my husband sex…it’s more that his behavior makes me dread sex or even hate it. And he RARELY initiates sex, I almost always do, but he complains about “never” having sex.
He reads porn stories constantly (he calls it “erotica”, like that’s different from porn). He rarely touches me unless he wants sex. An occasional kiss when he gets home from work, occasionally grabs my butt (which really turns me off when it is not accompanied by any other kind of affectionate touch). Furthermore…when he’s been reading porn for hours…right in front of me…I really HAVE no interest in having sex with him. Why would I when he obviously prefers the computer?
He just about always waits until we get into bed late at night and then if he wants sex he either grabs my breast or shoves his hand into my crotch. This makes me want to scream and tell him to get away from me. It turns me so cold that for me to even TRY to move forward and have sex is almost impossible.
It’s not that I don’t want to have sex…I DO! And frequently…but I want some time spent on me…I want some AFFECTIONATE touch. And I want him to prefer ME to the computer “sex”.
Why is that men just don’t “GET” that they would be able to have all the sex they could possibly want if they just took the time to be loving and affectionate with their wives? Touch your wife NON-SEXUALLY frequently and you will have all the sex you want!
It’s not just a simple matter of “denying” my husband sex. He has as much responsibility here as I do. My husband is not a believer, and has refused for us to go to counseling. I am stuck. I love him dearly, but that love and commitment is being sorely tested.
I just love to read Julie’s articles! I’ve written her before!
I would like to say that I’m not the gal who is depriving my husband. I would give any thing to have him touch me, but that hasn’t happened in 45+ years. Before the ink was dry on our wedding license, I was considered a nobody. I’ve lived alone all these years he has lived in our basement and I upstairs all these years. I saved myself for him but he didn’t care at all. I stayed for the money and benefits, my anti-depressants keep me sane.
Great post. Thank you and God bless you
@Anonymous on Aug 19: Julie has a great article (several, actually) on your very situation. See if you can get your husband to read them. I certainly believe romance is required for intimacy. Email Julie if you have difficulty finding the articles. What your husband needs to know (I’m a husband) is that intimacy is sooo much better with romance. He’s literally throwing away the love of a lifetime by not courting you, and you need to tell him that. I touch and caress and probably grope my wife all the time, she doesn’t seem to mind. Please read up on Julie’s articles and press forward with addressing this issue before your husband shuts off the love you have for him.
So true what you expressed in your article. I am so wounded. It has been almost 18 months and my spouse continues to reject me. I had no affair and always point us to Christ to handle any problems or conflicts. She also made some very bad decisions and choices and refuse to allow Christ to be the center of our marriage. I am so tired and ready to remove myself. We have 5 kids that I feel like I am raising alone. I am just so tired.
Right now in pain,frustration,denial and all sorts excommunication this brought about. I promised my God and myself that I wouldn’t cheat . My wife has been absolutely frustrating me…It is totally disheartening. I have on many occasions let her understand my stand in our marriage.We have had discussions over discussions concerning this issue many times that i cant think of; Her excuses has always been the same thing over and over again: tired, sleepy,my back hurts,i dont like sex,is too early in the morning,let wait till nite time,dont wake me up when im sleeping,you are such a guy,you like sex too much,go get a life,is that all you know,is that all you think about and so on,i could see the hate in her voice if i put my hand on her boobs sometimes while we are in bed ” Dont touch me” and if she want to have sex she will have her way whenever she wants me,I have told her many times that dont think im weak that you can have sex with me whenever you wanted to,I am not not on your schedule,when it comes to when I want to have sex,it becomes a struggle,two wrong can never makes a right,…..Pls,our union is going to be 5 years in January 17 ,2013 and we are still fighting over sex. We have 2 kids and I love my family. At this point i dont thinks it really makes sense for us fighting over sex all the time ,for almost 5 years now in all honesty, I dont enjoy my wife when it comes to sex…She has called me sex maniac ! At this point,it looks like I am making up my mind never to bother her anymore. But, I will ask God for forgiveness if i ever sin. Amen.
Julie,
Although I see your point… how would you deal with this? I need advice…
My husband says I vowed to obey him when we got married, which means having sex with him whenever he wants… I enjoy sex, but I do not want it on the same frequency he does…
I have started to resent him for how he treats me when he does not get sex. So that even when I am or could be in the mood I no longer want to because his personality is so unattractive.
For example, when I had a migraine and said I was not in the mood because of said migraine I was told I was lazy and never wanted to have sex (because never means we had sex the other day). I was yelled at and chased around the house until I give in and have sex.
How do you keep forgiving someone who has not changed? Who has not even cared to see the disrespect that is shown? In the 4 yrs we have been together things have come up where he has not understood when I have not wanted to have sex, the day after my favorite uncle passed, the night we got back from a 14 hr road trip, and mornings I am on my way to work and he expects me to be late. Or if sex does not happen exactly the way or position he wants he is upset, he takes no effort for any foreplay but blames me when I am not aroused. How am I supposed to physically be attracted to someone who has associated so many bad memories with sex.
Once again, this is not all the time, but frequent enough to have left a mark, especially when there is no change. When I communicate with him about it, same day, days after.. any time I bring it up I am told it is my duty and that the reason I do not want to do it is because I am lazy. We can just get finished having sex and I am told we never have it. We work opposite shifts with some days where I do not get to see him and still have sexual intimacy 3-4 times a week.
ANY time I saw I am not in the mood he fights me. Sometimes where is has almost come down to physical abuse. So this article hurts to read because I feel it only gives him more ammunition to not care or even consider how I feel since I just need to always give into his sexual desires to make sure he is happy.
@nicole… thank you for your comment. I am sorry for the way your husband is sometimes treating with regard to sex. He clearly is not honoring you and respecting you and treasuring you as he is commanded to do in God’s Word.
I do not have easy answers. If you have tried to calmly, yet clearly, express to him how his behavior makes you feel, and he still is indifferent to treating you better, then I encourage you to seek support. Do you have one or two mature Christian women who you could confide in and pray with? These would be women who could listen without bashing your husband, pray specifically for your marriage, offer godly insights, etc.
Also, you may consider the book Thriving Despite a Difficult Marriage. There are also a couple other books out there that may have good insights, including “How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong” and “10 Lifesaving Principles for Women in Difficult Marriages.”
I’m not saying everything in those resources would apply, but like I said… you might glean from them a few good insights that will help you navigate.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I don’t have easy answers, but I do know the Lord sees your pain and He too desires that your husband start taking his marriage commitment seriously.
If your denying your husband sex, your going to wake up some day and find he is having sex with someone else.
very good teaching.
This article should be posted in every church bulletin in the country!
Julie I thank U for sharing this blog. It says exactly what I feel. I pray to God to remove all the things that my wife places before me above me and denying me by staying seperated from me. I love her with all of me and I have no desire to be with another woman because I love her. Another woman makes me feel dirty and sinful. I’m tired of being called stupid for waiting on my wife and I’m starving big time. I don’t know how much longer I can deal with this I want to please God first my flesh is weakening and I know that God has a blessing in store for the both of us if she will only conform to the marriage as he ordains it to be. I want to know what happiness feels like again as God intended it to be.
Good article. I think “spouse” should be used in place of “husband”!
And might be helpful linking articles to: effects of denying your spouse emotional connection//intimacy (and definition of emotional intimacy), how to deal with sexual abuse issues and attitudes (and effects of not dealing w them on your life and relationship), a foreplay guide (quite a few wives commenting on husband not knowing more than grabbing breasts and vagina and this is a big turn off), differences of fe/male arousal and desire, how to begin having conversations about your sexual relationship (a lot of people go into marriage having never had mature discussions about sex with anyone), how to have healthy confrontations in marriage
So I guess the man has no fault in this situation? What about when he doesn’t provide for the family? Or is never at home? Don’t you think a normal woman would want to have sex with a “real man”? Well once the woman has to take the role of the provider and care taker, there is little need in a man. So I hope you are lavishing your wife with all the financial stability she needs or else you deserve to not have sex.
And the thoughts of him leaving me for no sex! Well there’s a hooker on every corner if he wants so go ahead! Women everyone don’t be so blind…you are worth more than a sex object! Ugh I could vomit on this article!
@Melissa… Thank you for taking the time to comment. I’m sorry to hear your pain and frustration. Certainly I think husbands and wives both have responsibility to nurture the marriage.
Obviously, there are countless examples of when husbands do not take care of the marriage. There are also countless examples of when wives don’t.
One blog post cannot cover every scenario, but my hope with this particular post is to speak to those wives who have been careless with their marriages. I have also written posts that speak to men who have been careless as well.
Anyway, thank you for commenting. I appreciate that.
I been with my wife for 18 years and married for almost 15. We have no sex life at all. The sex life was great when we where first married. We have three children 13-11- 5.5. There is no form of physical contact let alone sex. We have not had sex in almost 5 years, and before that was only 2 times in 3.5 years, with on time being our last child (planned). I am to the point that I do not even try. She has claimed it is medical, however the Dr’s can not find anything wrong with her. She states its me becasue I get upset about it or that I am verbaly abusive (which I am not). Her parents where 20 years apart and had little to no relation ship. Her father (stepfather) was not very active in her life, He did not ever raise his voice or say anything. When I yell at my kids she thinks I am being mean and abusive. I grew up in an abusive home, I try to make sure I am not the same way. I can not help that I have a deep and loud voice that might be scary to a child. I love my wife and my children. I just fear now that my wife does not love me or at a min is not in love with me. She is always telling me how to act, what to say, what I am doint wrong. If I even dare say anything to her it turns into your being abusive again.
I am know to the point I want out – I just can not bring myself to being apart from my kids.
I keep praying about this asking GOD to help my marrige and to give me wisdom and direction. It seems he is leading me out.
HELP I am lost.
@Lost Husband… have you suggested counseling to your wife? Maybe approach it from the tone that you want a marriage that is strong and thriving, not merely existing…. that you love her, but that the lack of intimacy (all intimacy…emotional, physical, spiritual) is very difficult and discouraging for you.
I don’t have easy answers, but I encourage you to lovingly, yet firmly, be clear about your concerns and your heart and that you believe the two of you can work toward making things better.
@LostHusband: it’s not you, your wife has daddy issues that are affecting her. She’s also emotionally manipulating you in an attempt to control you (by accusing you of being abusive). I do not have an optimistic view of your wife becoming an affectionate, warm person; you’re going to have to make some decisions and take some action. Julie’s suggestion to make your marriage more than two people existing together is a good one…but you may need to do more than suggest. Find a counselor, ignore accusations of abusive and set a date for counseling to begin. Insist that progress is required because the status quo cannot continue until the children leave home. Prayer can save souls, but action gets results.
I’m a little sick and tired of all these articles and posts regarding women with low sex drives and unsatisfied men. I’m so sexually frustrated right now I could cry and I feel like smashing a couple of things. Talking to my husband gets me NOWHERE- he clearly doesn’t understand and doesn’t even care that it is torturing me. It’s been dragging me back into my past porn addiction which sucks so badly because I think, “Great, because of the issues WE are having in our marriage, I go anger and hurt God?” It’s getting so bad that I’m starting to grow bitter toward him and dream of being single. I wish I’d never had sex so I wouldn’t feel like I’m missing out. I’m sorry for being really emotional right now but at this very second, I hate marriage, I border-line hate my husband, and I can’t deal with this much longer. (It’s not JUST lack of sex…though that is huge and a far bigger issue than I ever thought it would be…the constant TV watching, binging on junk food and getting fat aren’t exactly making me love him more either.) I realize I have PLENTY of faults as well. But at least when he addresses them, I listen and I TRY. I try so hard to be a good wife and to change frustrating/annoying/unloving behaviour. I’m running out of the patience I need to keep trying. I don’t want to try anymore. I WANT to give up.
I have been with this guy for 6 years since I was nineteen… But we have been married for 2 years and I never really want to have sex with him!!! Maybe because of all the arguing and means things he says, so when he wants to have sex I back off because of the way he makes me feels!! I am not saying he is a horrible person just when he say things that doesn’t make sense and hurt me is the issue!! Why do I have to give my body to someone who hurts me! That’s how I feels… I am to young for all this drama! We don’t have children! I just don’t get why I don’t want sex with him! I don’t mean to hurt him that way but I am hurt myself! I feel betrayed at times! How does that even suppose to turn me on! Not to mention he has an porn addiction problem that I had to put up with… And the lying which make it worses! What am I suppose to do!! Seriously!!!
He brings me home gifts …take me out !! He is really sweet and I know he is not cheating and he has been there when I had cancer and still is even when I was over weight! He is great with my family it’s just the porn addiction which before he was saved but even after a lot of time it comes to his mind and it makes me sick!
Being honest , You may say that a ‘Christian” marriage is not to deny your husband. It surely isn’t away of denial when your husband expect’s sex on his own schedule and no consideration of what you are doing or have going on. But tell me, so your husband should spend all other days for his convince except for the moments he wants sex. Are you sure ?? Of course that surely doesn’t sound like a Christian at all now does it. But, he spends all his vacation days and weekends reading the bible, and claims he sure is a Christian. To be perfectly honest when sites like your’s are out there using the word Christian many that call themselves a Christian use these certain tactic’s of excuse to control their lives and their wives and children, but all the so called Christianity is only benefit the individual who spends all his life and time for their own selfish interest. I do not believe a women should be punished or manipulated to provide a service to her husband and them terms of well your denying me are being used. Did you ever have to deal with this 2 or 3 times a week, working cooking raising a family. There is way too much going on with people using a Christian excuse for every hate, abuse, retaliation, they maybe seeing the bible from one perspective to the other and cherry-picking well, I’m human, God is working on me, yet. Sorry, but their’s a lot more to the word ‘ DENYING’ your spouse, please…..
@Savannah… thanks for taking the time to comment. I think you’ve misinterpreted my blog post and possibly my blog in general.
I recognize that you possibly haven’t read my blog enough to understand my heart on this whole issue of sex and marriage.
Appreciate you stopping by, though.
Good write-up. I certainly appreciate this site. Keep it up!
i understand the message what about porns my husband will not get rid of it i dont want it in my house. that makes me feel i am not good for him.
@Nancy,
Porn addiction is very difficult. Is your husband Christian? Are you? You must realize that he has reasons for it (although these are not excuses). These reasons need to be brought out and addressed. Are you up to healing your husband (which is in effect what he needs)? Look through this blog and the resource page. A mature Christian who can talk to him (and you) “live” will be a great help. Realize this, however:
1. Praying to God to change your husband WILL NOT WORK. Why? Jehovah has granted all of us free will. He WILL NOT intervene in that way.
2. Since God WILL NOT change your husband, do not think you have the right to, either. He must change himself.
3. Remember: When this system of things comes to an end, not everyone will have a happy ending. And porn puts you on the short list for the “not happy” side.
4. You should not be angry at your husband. Be angry at what is causing him to watch porn. Feel sorry that he has a weakness that could end up costing him everlasting life.
5. Porn addiction can be overcome. Once he has, though, this might put much more demands on you. You cannot then cry “he needs it too much”
6. You cannot compete with porn. Except with these vital exceptions: Love and presence. When you are intimate, make sure you show up. Give him your UNDIVIDED attention and SHOW him you love him–words will not get through.
7. Keep perspective. Many of the posts in this blog site bring tears to my eyes. If all you have to deal with is a porn problem, you might want to consider yourself lucky.
I will share these insights: All porn is not equal. What kind of porn and when he watches it says a lot. Is he secretive? Does he watch by himself? Does he masturbate when he watches? Does he want you to watch? Does he watch the same ones over and over? Does he watch the whole movie or just the sex scenes or just the “money shots”? Does he watch before, during or after sex with you? All these are clues that need looking into.
Let him know he’s hurting you, maybe along the lines of “I love you so much, and I need you to understand how deeply it cuts my heart every time we make love not knowing if it is me or one of those porn women you are thinking of while you are inside of me.” Be brutally honest and detailed, but loving and (believe it or not) submissive without a hint of anger. Each intimate act you describe to him will pound the nail harder since men relate to details, and men can need some pretty hard pounding. But the vast majority have an aversion to hurting women. They just see porn as “victimless” and do not stop to consider a wife’s feelings.
Do not let anger creep in; they will see it as jealousy. Do not say things like “dirty”, etc. That is judgmental and we are not supposed to be judging each other plus it will make him defensive. Focus on YOUR feelings.
Depending on you and your husbands general feelings and sexual situation, you might also try a more aggressive approach (or as a conclusion to the first suggestion).
As soon as you can, YOU be the initiator. Focus on him. Have fun, but make sure he does next to nothing. Rock his world as never before. When you know he’s finished, don’t “let him off the hook”.
Hold his head tenderly and look into his eyes, then firmly tell him how you feel, such as “I love you more than any other person in this world, more than myself. I am your wife. All I am, all I have, all I can do is yours freely without even asking. But you are MY husband and I WILL NOT share you with pornography any more.”
And remember to keep praying. God is your biggest ally.
I think you had the right intentions for writing this article. My husband sent me this link I guess because he is unhappy with how much sex we have even though in the month of February we had sex around 20 times. I don’t think that is denying. What I find completely negligent with this article is that you gave a man who is verbally abusive, belittling, someone who thinks it is my job to have sex with him an article he thinks supports him. Shame on you and shame on you for attacking women and using God as a way to shame/bully people into having sex with their husband. Who are you to say how God feels about sex and a relationship.
@Stacey: Are you and your husband Christian? Have you actually looked up relevant scriptures? Being a stupid, ungrateful, good-for-nothing, lousy husband is not going to keep him from feeling deprived. You say you have had sex around 20 times in Feb. That’s more than I have had in 3 years, and more than others here have had in 20 years. Do you still think this article wrong, then?
You feel singled out and alone because no one is listening to you.
Well, we’re listening to you.
Consider: You have here this excellent blog. He sent you an article you don’t agree with. JulieSib has many, many, many articles on your side as well. Send him one of those, to start with. Look at this as the opportunity you have been waiting for. Seize the moment to start a dialog with him, but know he is probably very insecure, maybe even feels threatened by you. You know him best, what will set him off. Do not attack. Be reasonable, not emotional, in your approach.
Go to the “Marriage Resources” page and dive into the male-authored blogs and notice the pattern.
JulieSib cannot really influence men not humbly seeking solutions. They would just say, “ah, women sticking together.” (Wouldn’t that be your attitude if this article had been written by a man?)
In the same way, see how hard the male bloggers pound on the husbands. Find the article that best fits your situation and send it as well.
I say again, seize this opportunity to repair and strengthen your marriage. If you are Christian, then, please, dive into your Bible. Strangely enough, you will find that not only is your husband right, he is also *seriously* sinning as well. He is supposed to be treasuring and nurturing you in such a way that you seriously *want* his advances.
Good luck, and know our prayers are with you.
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Well it makes me sick to my stomach. I can’t stand the thought of having sex with my husband. Because its the only time he’ll really be nice to me. Otherwise he yells gets angry and tell me I’m supposed to. He exposes himself to me every chance he gets & says hey look & oh baby. Maybe I’m wrong but it doesn’t feel right to me. I do it once a week for him to be happy but it feels terrible. I cry because I’m so confused
How did all of this start? Are you both Christian? How long have you been married? Plus you’re on the wrong page. You’re not denying him sex (though I could probably understand if you did. Not approve, but definitely understand.) I would also suggest you go to Julie’s Marriage Resources page and look at some of the male-written blogs.
I want to comment on the “giving the devil the keys to your marriage” as you deny sex to your husband.
I realize that some men are just plain nasty and crass. Hear me out. Imagine you have a husband who is like this but you know he is a good guy but the sex thing is so…(enter your own thoughts).
The husband then needs release. It comes in the form of sex with the wife. If you do not, here is the result; temptation. What temptation? Porn, R rated movies, secretive masturbation, prostitution, adultery, alcoholism, drug addiction, workaholics, depression, lack of spiritual direction (stops going to church), lots of golf or other sports expenses and time. The big one is depression. Don’t think like a woman, think like a man. For you guys out there, be reasonable if she is having sex with you…clean up stuff, shave your face, trim your nails, shower, build her that garden box she wants, get home in time for dinner, take her out.
The devil wants your marriage. he will not target you like in the movies by coming in the night to scare you. the devil comes as everyday pressures to kill and destroy relationships. The fallout-damage is on every person attached to your marriage including the non-Christian neighbor who hates you. All can fall away simply because sex became so hard.
I found this article based on my searches to find an answer. My wife and I discussed our issue. She couldn’t tell me why, but asks that I stay in a marriage without intimacy for the children. I am torn between missing a single day of my children’s lives or denying myself the chance for intimacy. Some sites said an affair is a win / win but the only sex partner is my wife and will only be my wife. I told her if we stayed for the kids it would just post pone the inevitable. She seems to think it will give her time to figure things out, but to me it shouldn’t be a hard decision if it is about love. Yes she said it was that I wasn’t romantic. Then I reminded her of all the romance that went unanswered. She said I must be more romantic than her and I shouldn’t expect it. Now I don’t want to be intimate because I feel she is just going through the motions as an obligation, sex without intimacy. Lose time with my kids or deny myself an intimacy, it breaks my heart.
I’m a frustrated husband, 55 years old, in the 2nd year of marriage. Im not quite sure why I waste time reading stuff like this… my wife should be reading it, but she’s disinterested.., so why would she even search for info on the topic? Should I email her a link? I’m pretty much at the end of my rope here.., hints, suggestions, attempts, frank discussions… and the trend continues in a negative direction. She used to be highly interested, prior to marriage when we were abstaining. She claims to be interested now. We are married roommates that hug… not man and wife as we should be. She’s going through menopause and claims that ad an excuse, but she was menopausal before marriage too. I feel like I should sleep in a different bed, but that feels like the first step towards divorce. Her disinterest leaves me feeling like my concerns and needs are unimportant. She loves me to death… 200% …so what gives? I’m lost and don’t know what else to do.
Sex was never a priority with my wife. Circumstances dictated that we live in the same house (that we bought together) before we got married and she suggested waiting til after the ceremony to engege sexually. I agreed to that, but even on our wedding night she claimed to being too tired. We did have sex the next morning, but she didn’t really seem to be all that interested. We had sex a few times after that and wound up pregnant about 4 months later. Since we are an older couple, (she was 38, I was 44), we diced not to have sex during the pregnancy just to be sure not to cause any problems. After our son was born, it seemed that everything I said, did, thought or felt was wrong. And not just wrong but so invalid that she didn’t even have to give it a seconds thought before telling me how wrong I was! It seemed she was always mad at me for one reason or another and do you really feel like having sex with someone who’s mad at you? I tried to start up our sex life again after the baby but it always seemed forced and unwelcome. Finally I just stopped trying and she never mentioned it for probably a year and a half, then she brought it up once at a most inappropriate time (we were visiting relatives, wasn’t gonna do it in their guest room!). I’d gone long enough at the point that I just told her I was too old for that stuff (shit) anyway. Another few years went by before she mentioned it again when I told her I thought we were doin’ ok with the chastity thing we had goin’ on. Then she was upset that “I didn’t want to have sex with her”. Well frankly, I didn’t. We did once after my mom died about 3 years ago, but I felt so weird after, like I’d just had sex with my cousin or something, that I just couldn’t bring myself to even approach it after that. So for most of our 12 year marriage, there has been no sexual activity at all and I don’t even feel a romantic connection. We are housemates and semi-partners (with her being the partner in charge) in raising our son. If we even kiss, she initiates it, I do not. It’s more, at least for me, a business relationship than a romantic, loving marriage. If I feel the need to, I’ll go into my room in the basement and rub one out. It’s kind of like going to the bathroom, I release built up fluids then get on with my day. If I was in my 20s or 30s, I’m sure I’d be looking for another woman, but in my 50s, I’m not inclined so much to do that. Besides, I’m certain she’d be sure to keep my son from me entirely were I ever to leave her. So now I’m just waiting for the end of my life, I do not look forward to any future, I simply plan to tolerate that future. In fact, I’m creating a ‘mancave’ downstairs where I can spend a lot more time on my own doing what pleases me. I’m sure I’ll be happier that way.