sex, sexual intimacy, sexual struggles
The Sexually Unavailable Wife
Hey all… my friend Eric over at www.BetterHusbandsAndFathers.com recently allowed me to guest post on his blog. Eric is doing a tremendous job of encouraging men on specific ways they can strengthen their marriages.
THANK YOU Eric! We need more voices like yours. Anyway, he let me do a little rambling on The Sexually Unavailable Wife. Take a ponder. Add your comments. Keep the dialogue going on this one. We value your opinions! I’d love to hear from husbands and wives on what happens when a wife is sexually unavailble. (BTW, I know that the reverse sometimes happens too… a husband who is sexually unavailable. I will write about that soon too).
Not to take puritans off the hook, but I actually wonder if Hollywood is partially responsible for this. Hollywood CONSTANTLY projects the message onto people that hot sweaty nasty sex is for single people, and married people have boring, perfunctory, obligatory sex.
People are not rational machines. We absorb things and internalize them without thinking.
Thanks for the comment Michael. I agree with you wholeheartedly that media/Hollywood project the message that the best sex is outside of marriage. What a screwed up message (no pun intended).
Marital sex is often material for comedy… rarely is there the tone that sex within marriage can be great (the only exception I’ve come across on this is the movie RV, where there is definitely the message that the married couple enjoys their sexuality).
There is so much irony in the rationale that “casual single sex is best” and “married sex is boring.” As a married woman who loves the Lord and loves sex, I am grieved by the lies of satan that have infiltrated so many hearts.
And you are spot on that we “absorb things and internalize them without thinking.” Sad but true that so many Christians (individually and collectively) have allowed the influence of society to cause them to lose sight of the biblical truth that God designed sexual intimacy in marriage with tremendous room for creativity, passion and indescribable pleasure. He is, after all, the creator of orgasm. Do we really think he came up with that on a whim.
Thanks again for the comment!
Hi Julie,
Been married twenty years. We have six children, five still at home ages 6-16. My wife has been pretty much sexually unavailable since were were married, including our wedding night. I can’t describe the pain and loneliness in my marriage. In a “good month” we may be intimate 2-3 times . Otherwise, once a month is the norm.
I have taken to withdrawing from her emotionally. Seems she wants all the conversation, but none of the intimacy. Mostly get complaints on what I did or didn’t do. I believe I am a good dad. I love my children dearly. I work hard to provide. She is sucking the life out of me. I suffer from recurring and major depression. Have had many concussions. We have tried counseling, but it seems that it always is about me and how I need to “get better.” I am tired.
@joe… I am so sorry for your pain. I hear from others who share your circumstances and are tired as well.
Have you considered writing your wife a letter, explaining to her that you really are trying and that it is so painful for you to feel rejected sexually by her? Sometimes a letter can really help someone see the pain, whereas in a conversation, there’s a tendency for defenses to quickly rise.
Anyway, just an idea. Again, I am sorry for what you are experiencing.
Have tried many letters. She even called them “pathetic” once. I have always been the romantic. Candles, dinner, weekends away. She recently let me know that she never liked those weekends. “To many expectations for sex,” is what she said. Couldn’t believe it. Am I missing something? Isn’t that what married couples do? Especially those that believe in God and supposedly love each other and the Lord?
I am far from the ideal or perfect husband but I always believed the sexual intimacy between a man and his wife to be a top priority. I am at the point of becoming bitter and withdrawing. I don’t know why she is so frigid. Night after night I lie there next to her wondering why she doesn’t want me to touch her and why she won’t touch me. Our relationship has grown so cold. It is so unfair to our children. I ache for them.
I and Joe feel the same.
I too am not starved completely, but even my plants in the yard that get watered once in awhile are alive, but barely. I am the “unloving husband.” As she would say; “you just need to be more loving? whatever that means. So she spends nights going over facebook updating herself on the latest pains, deaths, near-deaths, sicknesses, drug using teens and so on. I live as most men; alone, in temptation daily…I even caught myself “fantasizing about sex with a woman while at the gym!!” I of course switched thoughts, but this is day 8 without ANY sex or hint of it or even a hand job. Remember, I’m the unloving one and if I was loving I would be patient, right?? If I was rich, I would be gone. Remember, I am “feeling sorry for myself” so goes our conversations. She even wants me to go on a missions trip with her and with the kids because saving the world is more important than saving the marriage!!!
I’ve prayed and prayed and 15 years later things are worse!
Porn is on hold. I am still addicted to porn due to her coldness, but like I said, if she is attentive to me, porn is easy to avoid. I am angry about porn and while I am not viewing porn for over a week, I am depressed and on low self esteem. This sex issue is not a battle, its a casualty of a war I lost in the bedroom long ago.
Here is the circle of “insanity” in this culture. Good man marries “Good Christian girl.” Good girl could care much less about orgasm, either with her husband or pleasuring herself. After much counseling, still not important to wife. The Christian husband, because he is human, starts looking at ladies outside his marriage. At work, he inadvertently tells a co-worker she looks very pretty. Our Christian male is now out of work. Meanwhile, at the work-space cubicle which adjoined our now fired worker, Adam adorns his office with photos of he and his lover, Steve’s gay relationship. My take on this: Julie…..the history of many women in this twisted culture over past forty years, has borne “Feminism.” It is the root of so many evils in this nation. It’s why men can’t be men anymore. There is your America in a “nutshell, and it pretty much truthfully, sums it up!
I hear a lot of crying there fellas. Some bordering on whining. That sniveling approach is on you and blaming her is a cop out for your own inadequacies. Me- married 32 years both kids grown and gone this summer. Financially stable with two homes. I am going to ask her to buy me out of both or give me the Condo in FL. I am done with it. I recently had a 12 hour open heart surgery and I gave her my wedding ring to keep. She lost it before I woke up in recovery and then has the audacity to tell me not to criticize her for that. I have given her all my money for 32 years. I have given her my fidelity to. But I have never been given any wiggle room when it comes to conflicts or disagreements. Fine, who will get the shock when I leave? I am hunting houses in Fl far away from our existing place. I will keep my military retirement to.
Hello Julie,
Thank you for this topic of, “The sexually unavailable wife”. I too can relate to the loneliness, depression and nights spent in a cold loveless bed. Ironically, I felt less alone as a single than when I was married???
A short story dealing with such insanity… After spending another sleepless, frustrating night staring at the ceiling after again being rejected, I decided to get up and watch tv. After about 15 minutes she comes into the living room looks at the tv then at me and says, “I just wanted to see what’s got your attention more than me”? Now apart from feeling lonely, depressed and rejected I also felt angry and confused.
Many similar (provocative) incidents later, after much prayer, seeing a christian counselor and a pastor I was informed my now ex wife was severely emotionally damaged, needing 5 years of intense therapy. She refused to admit she had a problem and is now in marriage #4.
The bottom line for me, sexual unavailability was only the tip of the iceberg. Emotional instability, dialogue communication skills, conflict resolution, abuse, insecurity, prior sexual traumas and unsurrendered spiritual issues are all root causes.
Paul