marriage problems, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
Your Excuses for “No Sex”?
Jun
Recently, a reader commented on my post 5 Things You Must Know if You Are Denying Your Husband Sex.
I thought his words were insightful:
“I am doubtful that any of the women you are speaking to are willing to own up to what they are doing. There are always ‘reasons’ to choose not to be close to their husbands. No husband is perfect, we all make mistakes, and those become bulletproof justifications for freezing us out.
And if we are on our best behavior, there are still extraneous things that happen (bad day, upset with her mother, kids were misbehaving, headache, exhausted) that we as husbands cannot overcome. Even if we are patient, those reasons to postpone can easily last longer than we can go without making a mistake.
Unfortunately, women simply have a limitless list of reasons to excuse their choices. Some are legitimate and some are manufactured. But all of them deflect the need to fix the situation.”
He generalizes a bit, but I have to admit, I think many of his observations are spot on.
I wonder how many husbands feel like they are damned if they do and damned if they don’t — meaning that no matter the “hoops” they jump through, new and different hoops are constantly being added that make access to sex an elusive mirage they can never reach.
Certainly there are times when sexual intimacy is not feasible or reasonable, so I will never be in the camp that you can never say “no” to sex.
For example, I have known husbands who don’t understand the need to abstain from sexual intercourse for a set amount of time after their wife has had a baby (typically 6 weeks).
Sadly, I also know of husbands who want their wives to do something that clearly is contrary to God’s design for sex (like watch pornography together, bring additional people into the lovemaking, subject themselves to humiliation or abusive behavior, etc.)
Obviously, a wife’s allegiance is first to her Lord’s commands, not to her husband’s sinful requests, so if he is requesting stuff like this, I completely understand her “no.”
And sometimes, an occasional “no” is not because of such serious matters, but clearly a reality of occasional exhaustion, busyness or illness. Hey, I’ve been too tired at times to have sex — and I really was just that — too tired.
All that being said, there are MANY excuses given that have no grounding whatsoever and are just careless attempts to avoid intimacy.
My hope is that as Christian wives, we would grow in our accountability to Christ and each other in this area.
That we would test our words and heart with the Holy Spirit so that we can discern if we are dishing up lame excuses or if indeed we are offering legitimate reasons for “no sex tonight.”
And if we decline the opportunity to have sex, may our reason not be anchored in an immovable “no,” but rather lovingly wrapped in a genuine promise of “not now, but soon.”
Ironically, if a husband and wife are nurturing sex in their marriage, then an occasional “no” from either of them is more likely to be received with grace and understanding. The “no” becomes a non-issue, because the marriage is rooted in “no” being the rare exception, not the rule.
If any of the below reasons are ones you’ve given to avoid sex with your husband, my heartfelt plea is this:
Candidly lay such reason before the Lord and ask for His wisdom on whether there is a healthier way to be navigating sexual intimacy in your marriage.
1. I’m too tired.
2. I’m too stressed out.
3. I’m punishing him for something he did to me.
4. I’m not experiencing orgasm.
5. He doesn’t help enough around the house and/or with the kids.
6. He has poor hygiene and I’m totally turned off.
7. I have too much to do. I don’t have time for sex.
8. The house is a mess.
9. I’m afraid the kids will hear us.
10. He wants me to do something against my morals or God’s commands.
11. I’m distracted by work, responsibilities, etc.
12. I have health issues that I just don’t want to deal with.
13. I have health issues that really do make sexual closeness difficult or impossible.
14. I don’t want to mess up my hair (or my nails…or my brand new flannel pajamas.)
15. I just changed the sheets.
16. I haven’t shaved my legs.
17. I have issues, but I don’t really want to deal with them.
18. I’m frustrated with something in our relationship.
19. I’m having my period.
20. I’m mad at him.
21. Sex is boring.
22. I’m worried about getting pregnant.
23. I think sex is dirty (or wrong…or disgusting…)
24. I’m depressed.
25. I’m worried I won’t please him sexually.
Obviously this list isn’t exhaustive, as I’m sure that collectively we could come up with a lot more reasons behind “no sex.”
(If you want to actually chime in on this and see more reasons, Paul and Lori Byerly of The Marriage Bed are doing a quick Facebook survey I encourage you to check out. The survey is completely anonymous).
Regardless of whether there are legitimate grounds for denial of sex, the need for communication on sexual intimacy is universal. For the health of your marriage, you and your husband must be able to talk vulnerably and honestly about what is going on (or not going on) in your marriage bed.
When a couple is committed to nurturing their sexual intimacy, including dealing with the difficult issues, a lot of excuses will fall by the wayside. Together they will start to see that there is sacred value in spending time in each other’s arms.
And even if circumstances limit or rule out actual intercourse (some health conditions or diseases, disabilities, etc.), a couple can still nurture a tender and private physical closeness that to them is sexual in nature.
Your excuses for “no sex” ?
Look at them closely and decide if you owe yourself, your husband and your marriage a better approach.
Copyright 2012, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
Since our first was born 10 years ago, we’ve struggled to have sex regularly. This year we’ve done it 3 times.
She makes the rules (and there are a lot of them). One of them is (and I’ve heard other marriage bloggers say this), “If you can’t agree, go with the person who has the more conservative opinion.” That works for S&M or multiple partners, but it doesn’t work in a sex-starved marriage. Once a week seems like such an impossible dream to me now. I wish she’d see that denying me IS as bad as if I asked her to watch porn or invite a girlfriend into our bed. Maybe it’s worse because it’s daily and my worst requests (which weren’t what I’ve listed btw, but MUCH tamer and in my opinion Biblically allowed) were only requested once or twice in our relationship.
She admits she shouldn’t deny me, but that doesn’t change anything. I keep praying that we don’t end up like your first marriage. I really do love her, but this has to change.
That is such a shame! My heart breaks for men in this situation…and I wonder what their wife has experienced that has led her to feel like making love is a low priority in their relationship. I cannot imagine the torture it is for you to be with your wife only three times in an entire year! Perhaps she doesn’t realize how much this affects you? If only she realized how much closer you would be if she was willing to nurture the physical side of your relationship.
Julie – thanks for the article, and for the nod to our facebook survey. We’ve hit 100 taking the survey, and it will be very interesting to report on the results.
Man.. I must be really sexually blessed…..I do NOT recall a day my wife denied me sexually. Married for 7 years with 3 kids. Yes !! her life is totally crazzzy. I didn’t say she was in the mood for it all the time but what is within it is that she understood how important is sex for me. Well she and I read a lot about marriage and how to improved it too. So I think that helps. At any time day or middle or the night she is always ready.
“No Excuse For Sex” …….Fits me
When I’ve thought about excuses not to have sex, here’s what I’ve usually come up with. It isn’t about what the excuse is. Or even about the Yes/No balance, or even how often. I’m not even that worried about how gently/roughly I’m let down. The thing that really bothers me is that it seems she is only looking for excuses not to and never looking for excuses to (if that makes sense). As the original comment states, there always seems to be an excuse not to if that’s all you are looking for. I just wish she could see/find an occasional excuse to say yes.
Dave, I’m experiencing the same issue. Our daughter is almost one and the “tired excuse” (tired of hearing it) seems to have a different reason. I am a great father and I wash bottles, cook and clean to increase her time with our daughter because we both work full time.
And for those reading I have a question. About 3 months ago we tried OS for the first time. After performing on DW I made the comment “we’ve turned a corner” to which she agreed. After first time DW performed on me (about a week later) she made same comment.
Since then she has been extremely reluctant to try again (haven’t made any demands but ask 1-2x a mont). When I aske for some kind of spice (no foreplay and sex is just before bed 99% of time) she says “whatever makes you happy I’m willing to do. I guess you already know what happens…
Sex is 2-3 times a week but WHEN and HOW she wants. Insight on DW refusal would be much appreciated.
@Dave: You’re exactly right.
For some wives, sex is like a space shuttle launch… conditions have to be absolutely perfect, all the planets and stars aligned, and the slightest hiccup can scrub the mission at any moment right up to liftoff.
If all of us spouses don’t reverse that mindset, and look for reasons and opportunities TO do it, we will be choosing to settle for sad, lonely, unfulfilling marriages.
@Dave and Steve: Sadly, I’ve come to the conclusion that asking nicely/pleading/begging/doing even more chores around the house/being even more thoughtful will never change the situation. For whatever reason, my wife (consciously or otherwise) does not see any danger in this pattern of neglect. Therefore, it is up to me to force the issue.
I’ve been reading Athol Kay’s blog (http://marriedmansexlife.com/take-the-red-pill/) and his book, The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011, and it is giving me hope. I’ve read a dozen other books, and even gotten my wife to read (or at least start reading) two or three of them, and most have some useful ideas. But Mr. Kay’s book is different.
The difference, in my opinion, is he explained why my wife stopped responding to me and started taking me for granted, and he followed with how I can change myself to change the dynamic. (The truth is, we can’t make anyone else change, but relationships are by nature dynamic, so if you change something, there will probably be ripple effects.) By improving myself, and frankly, becoming more assertive, I’m becoming more attractive to women in general. My wife can ignore this, but that would be a gamble on her part.
Of course the reason I am doing this is to save our marriage, but once I have done all I can (gotten into great shape, started dressing better, etc.), we will both know that the ball is in her court. Hopefully, she will see and appreciate what I am doing, and start responding. If so, great! But if she doesn’t, we will have a serious talk, and she will need to recognize that she can’t put off being a good wife any longer.
Kay’s book and blog may seem a little… rough (for lack of a better word) to some Christians, but he doesn’t advocate cheating or anything. (In fact, he strongly urges you not to.) He just pushes you to become the best man you can be; to reclaim the manly vibe that attracted her to you in the first place; and for you to understand that after you put in all this effort, either she will recognize the hunk you are and treat you the way you deserve, or some other woman will.
We can’t make these women love us or appreciate us, but we can show (mostly without words) that that is what we deserve and expect. I’m not sure if my wife believes that I will leave. Because of our children, I wouldn’t consider it for several years, but I’ve made up my mind that by the end of the year, she will have to choose between treating me right or losing me, and I absolutely will leave if she thinks I am bluffing.
Really, changing yourself, and what you are willing to live with is all you can control. But there are ways you might be able to influence her.
Good luck guys. But whatever you do, don’t beg/yell/threaten anymore. Words aren’t going to start working after all this time. Take action!
Hey Steve, I am sorry man but what is DW or OS?
My marriage is a lot like you guys. I get denied all the time. I’ve discussed this with her many times. Usually what happens is she’ll change for a week or two, then go back to her usual self. This I’m used to unfortunately.
But the worse is when she teases me and says we’ll do something later but we never do. I think that’s worse than outright denial but it’s been happening a lot more lately.
@My Wife & I … OS stands for oral sex and DW usually stands for “Darling Wife” or “Dear Wife.” (Although in this case, I suppose it could stand for “Denying Wife” (meaning she is denying him sex).
For the men who have replied to this….I am speaking from a wife’s perspective, but it is critical to understand that although it is not right or fair, the truth is that denial is usually more to do with the ‘mental state’ of the marriage than anything else. I think BOTH the wives and husbands need to pray about the denial / rejections issues. For the husbands – instead of praying about her denial…pray for you to understand her heart and for her to receive your attempts to love her. If you are loving her YOUR way instead of HER way it makes it harder for her to give herself to you. It doesn’t matter if you have been a couple for 12 months or 20 years – there is still a great sense of vulnerability when women are intimate with their spouse. If she feels ignored or alone in the marriage or as if you never try to understand her or what is happening in her life, she is going to look for excuses. Do you know what SHE would like help with? (instead of assuming that doing the dishes is what she wants MAKE SURE it IS what SHE wants help with — maybe she would like to do the dishes when you bathe the kids and put them down for the night—ask her “What can I do to make your day/night a little easier?”). Are you pursing her like you did before you were married or before children? I don’t know what the book or blog say, but there is MUCH more to sex than how you look, smell or appeal to other women – it is about how you appeal to the emotional side of the woman you have married. Do you plan dates (including child care)? Do you treat her as your partner (talk to her about work, your life…her life…your friends…her friends…your hobbies…her hobbies)? Do you share a common interest outside of the home and children that allow you to connect? I’m not saying it has to be all about her – but her mental state of the marriage and your relationship has the greatest impact on what happens between the sheets. She will be more likely to say yes and be creative if the emotional love bank is full and with the right currency! Don’t fill her bank with flowers if it’s clean dishes she is craving and real meaningful conversation (even just 5 minutes of it) where you look her in the eyes and really listen to her is a bonus! The book Love & Respect was one of the very best books I have ever read. My husband and I read it as a couple and it really had immediate benefits http://loveandrespect.com/ If she feels like you are interested in her mind and heart as much as you are in sex she will WANT be be intimate with you. I don’t think you have to live a mistake proof life to have sex or be the only one to initiate it, but you do have to make the effort to know how to get into her head – not just her into the bed 🙂 As for wives….you need to TELL your husband how you feel loved and cared for — is it romantic dates or emptying the dishwasher? Do you want him to hold your hand and open the car door or help you put away laundry. Sure, we’d all like it ALL, but there has to be a balance. He needs to feel his advances are not in vain and that you respect him and his efforts to try to please and support you and the family. And wives….sometimes you just have to say yes no matter what the excuse — and allow yourself to put away your issues and enjoy the man you married. He won’t feel like filling the love bank if you are starving him sexually. The last thing I will say is that if the wife is doing dinner, dishes, kids, pets, getting lunches and clothes ready for the morning, paying bills, etc…..she is not going to be ready to jump right into bed and turn on the sexy in 5 minutes. There is a saying that women’s minds are like spaghetti and men’s are like waffles….it is true – everything in our lives twist and turn and mix up together where men can typically compartmentalize things. It’s a leap to go from mom / domestic engineer to lover / sexy woman – she needs a little warm up time. It can start when you get home or even from work – send her a text that just says you are thinking of her and look forward to some time together later. Turn off the TV in the bedroom and ask her about her day or talk about something you used to like to do together — is it work? Sure! But don’t think that it isn’t work to shut off the kids, chores, ill parents, looming deadlines, etc. She should not be denying you and you certainly should have sex more than 3x a year!!! I am sure you will be amazed at how simple conversation and acts of kindness go to bring the love back into the bedroom….backseat….shower…..you CAN go back to that kind of relationship if you go back to the way you related to one another when courting! Good luck~!!
Re Raoul Duke’s comments – I also have found Married Man Sex Life (the book and the blog) to be very enlightening. I am a wife, but it helped me understand things about men and women and sex that I never understood before. It has also given my husband some good ideas. For those who are in a very difficult position of being denied regularly, I encourage you to check it out. Be warned, though, as Raoul said, it is not a Christian site and some of the advice is rather “dark.” However, the author has many Christian readers, who simply choose the parts of his advice that work for them.
Just a thought. I’ve been reading personal accounts of refusal on marriage blogs for about 5 years now. Coupled with my own experience with it, I honestly don’t think that in the majority of cases, that refusal has anything to DO with the refuser’s feelings about their spouse or their happiness with the marriage. I’m not saying it NEVER does, but it seems to stem more often about their own understanding and feelings about sex, their understanding(or lack of) of the importance of sex in marriage, their own sense of daily fatigue, lack of libido, true blindness/deafness to the needs of their spouse, ignorance of the bible w.r.t sex in marriage, fear, abuse history and so on.
I’ve read about it, but its pretty rare that I’ve heard from a refuser that says they refuse because they are unhappy with how their spouse treats them. That “generally” isn’t the reason. More common is “I’m happy with my marriage but I’m too tired or busy to have sex often. Besides, we can still have a good marriage even if we don’t have an active sex life. Marriage is more than just sex.”
LS
I have never written a reply to this (or any blog), so I hope I don’t sound “ridiculous”. First, my wife and I are dedicated Christians and love Christ with all our hearts for many years. We have been married for 31 years and still love each other very much. After Christ Himself, she is the woman – the person – I love most in this life. There is no problem there.
But, she seems to be too tired or to busy most of the time to make love together intimately. Mostly now, too tired. I understand, and have been as patient as I can be. I have never (to the best of my knowledge) tried to press the issue, but try to be understanding and sensitive to her needs for saying “no”. But when that is mostly what the response is, even if it is given in a loving “how about later” way, it is difficult. Because, the “how about later” seems to never come, or at least for a long time in between promise and fulfillment.
It is written by Paul in scripture that “it is better to marry, than to burn”. But, what happens when you are married, but still have to “burn”. After requesting that we have intimate time together (it isn’t just about sexual fulfillment, but bonding, becoming one, knowing my wife in the biblical, intimate sense. The “glue” of becoming “one flesh”), the putting off until another time means I wait and “burn” for days, until I start to “burn out” with the burning.
My wife, bless her wonderful heart, is a list maker. She makes all kinds of lists of things she wants to do. And they are never ending. What I don’t understand is she has the strength to do the things she wants, but not the strength to be intimate with me. I feel I am just not “on her list”. Or so far down on the priority list that I don’t even make the list (I have never seen on her list “make intimate time with my husband”).l
Yesterday was a very upsetting comment my wife made while potting some plants. It hurt me deeply, and she didn’t even know what she said. My wife is a nurseryman’s daughter. She loves plants and working in the “dirt”.
She inadvertently said to me “No matter how tired I am, I love working with the plants, and in the dirt. It makes me feel better”.
That really hurt, because I immediately thought “You no matter how tired you are, you would still work with “dirt”, but you are consistently too tired to have intimate time with me”. I guess I am a lower priority than “dirt”. Being with me makes you feel less good that working with “dirt”. Now, I know I shouldn’t be that sensitive. But it did hurt, and make me think.
We both have a absolutely wonderful time when we do make love together, and my wife is a wonderful lover. So that is not the problem.
Any christian advice that might help me understand what is happening. (the first 3-4 years she wanted to make love every night – and that was wonderful for me. But then things changed).
Appreciate any comments. Anonymous77
@anonymous77: I’m not sure I have any advice, but I think I know how you feel. With my wife, though, it is reading. It seems that no matter how tired she is, she can stay up all hours of the night reading if she wants. What I find interesting is that this was an activity that didn’t use to bother me. It really only bothers me in the context of a sexless marriage. As you say, in that context, something as harmless as potting plants becomes a rejection of you.
@landschooner. I agree with your assessment. Maybe sometimes more attention by the refused spouse is all that is needed. On the other hand, it does seem that there are many cases where we can be as attentive, romantic, alpha (I’m not sure that Game is a silver bullet for this problem either) as we want, and our spouses just don’t respond as advertised.
I, too, have been given a variation of the “marriage is more than sex” line. It is really frustrating because, of course, marriage is more than sex. So how do you get past that kind of response?
@anonymous77; Maybe you DO need to press the issue. That ISN’T un-Christlike. See Rev. 3 and Laodicea.
Certainly Christ’s LOVE is unconditional, but that does not mean that He doesn’t place any conditions or requirements on us. In fact, He demands our very lives be devoted to Him.
I DO require a sexual relationship from my wife. It isn’t optional. 1st Cor 7 is clear on this. I’m not saying divorce or anything like that, but is sex is not a priority for one spouse in a christian marriage, then that needs to be dealt with. At the very least it is an issue of ignorance, and could very well be a sin issue.
I completely understand the “maybe later” response. My wife used to say “we’ll see” almost every time I suggested sex even after weeks of nothing. “we’ll see” really meant “I have no intention of trying. Maybe it will happen but I’m busy and tired and I have other things on my mind, it isn’t very important to me, I don’t REALLY desire you, but, we’ll see. Maybe it will happen if all the stars align themselves properly in a week or two and I’m not too tired” I don’t think she thought all that out, but that’s what was communicated and I believe was the actual reality.
Even a sincere intention to follow through if it is almost never ACTUALLY followed through over the long term, can be sin.
Yes Lord, I’ll study your Word once I’m done with my college classes….once I’ve landed this job……once I’ve gotten a handle on my work load…..once the kids are older……..once I can quit this second job……once the kids are out of the house……once the kids are out of college and my financial pressures are less…..once I retire…..once I get over this health issue……..
Jesus: “Why didn’t you study the Scriptures like I told you to?”
Me ” I always MEANT to. I was always so busy though that I never had the time!”
LS
I am new to your website and loving it! However, I found it ironic that you wrote a post based on this man’s comment and I found his comment extremely offensive from the very first line that said none of the women you are speaking to “are willing to own up to what they are doing.”
Excuse me! I went SEARCHING for a blog like this because I HEARD my husband’s request and I DESIRE to act on it!
While I have enjoyed all of the posts I have read so far, I find many of the comments to be full of anger and bitterness and very off-putting.
How about not discouraging those of us who are trying?
Hi “whoa there!” Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting on this post and others.
I recognize his comment would offend some, but I get many comments like his… and I don’t think he really is directing it to to wives like you who are indeed interested in nurturing sex in their marriages.
The reality is that in the blogging world, blogs become a forum of sorts for people to comment on the posts, etc.
I moderate all my comments (meaning, they don’t publish immediately)… the main reason for this is since I write about sex, I get tons of spam comments, and obviously I have no use for comments that are spam and not even relevant to the post. But I approve 99.9 percent of the legitimate ones (like yours), even if people agree or disagree with my post. That’s just good conversation, which is needed to get at the heart of issues.
Also, as you can see from cruising through my posts, I address a lot of different topics. Sure, some posts people agree with and some they don’t, but if you take my website as a whole, you will see the jist of my message is all about God-honorning sexual intimacy, encouraging husbands and wives to treat sacred this gift of sex… to enjoy it exclusively with each other, to not commit adultery, and to not throw sex to the wayside like it doesn’t even matter in marriage.
Anyway, thank you so much for commenting… I really hope you’ll stop by again! I appreciate it and am humbly blessed by your input.
Dave, thank you for commenting and the understanding words. I pray that, if the similar situation between you and your wife is still ongoing, that the Lord would bring healing in that part of your marriage.
LS, I also thank you for your comments. I have thought about this, especially after writing the above post (first time ever). I do not feel I could follow your advice exactly, though I appreciate your input. There are many aspects of Christ’s nature that we as Christians have to draw upon for every situation. I prefer the response indicated in Romans 15:1 and Galatians 6:2. I feel to “press the issue” would only exacerbate the situation even more.
I truly love my wife, and I do not want to emotionally coerce her with scripture. Yes, you are right. That is what I Corinthians 7 says. And I feel Paul was saying “Husband, this is your obligation (Greek meaning) to your wife. Wife, this is your obligation to your husband”. But I just can’t read into it that I am called upon to make sure my wife keeps her part. I am responsible for mine. She KNOWS the same scripture. She knows the same Lord. The same type of thing is in Ephesians. Paul states the wife’s obligation to her husband. Then the husbands obligation to his wife. And it is not stated, in my opinion, I am to make sure my wife keeps her part. Only that I am supposed to keep mine.
In my understanding, it isn’t about my sexuality or my wife’s sexuality. It is about OUR sexuality. When we were married, my vows were made, first, to God, then to my wife. He made us one flesh – no longer two, but ONE. I love my wife, and sometimes it can be to my own hurt, as it was to Christ. He loved us to His own hurt. And His love conquered, even through death.
My wife and I love each other deeply, and are in it for always. She really believes that she is genuinely too exhausted or too busy with, to her, are important things. I just don’t share the same priorities I guess. And I just need the Lord to help me to understand why she has the strength to do other things I do not see as important when compared to our intimacy. I need the Lord’s help to understand why intimacy with my wife strengthens me, but seems to weaken her. These are things I don’t always understand.
But I do not believe in any way is her delaying time for each other anything other than genuine. I am asking for prayer for my understanding, and for strength to endure “hardship” (something we now days sometimes don’t like to talk about – endure), until the Lord can intervene in the way that only He knows how to do.
Thank you both for listening, understanding and commenting. And maybe we can “pray, one for the other” until the Lord can breakthrough – in ways we do not now know. I believe He is able, if we can believe and be patient. At least, that is how I feel. Each of us has to do what he feels the Lord would have him to do.
Thank you much. Anonymous77
Hey Anonymous77,
I hear you brother. Again I’m sorry you’re going through this. I will only ask this in addition. So you don’t feel you should confront your wife when she sins against you? Why then do we have Matthew 18? Why does sexual neglect get a pass? Or do wives get a pass? What if you stopped talking to her except the third Tuesday of every month for 22 minutes. Should she confront you about it or suffer in silence for 30 years?
Can you confront your wife about anything? If so, why not this?
Sure the Holy Spirit convicts. No doubt. But God calls us to stay in fellowship, confront one another, exhort one another, teach one another…..Why? Why not just wait on God? Why should we interact at all?
Without a need for sex, the Apostle Paul strongly suggests that you stay single to better devote yourself to God. So SEX is one of the MAJOR reasons to get married. Did that disappear AFTER marriage? It somehow became selfish for sex to be a major goal of the marriage?
Brother, no need to respond. I know we disagree. I’m just trying to persuade you so maybe things will improve for you and your wife. I will try to remember to pray for you as you suggest.
Your brother in Christ,
LS
I had a quick question, shuld I worry that my man keep pictures of famius women on his phone? I get mad about it and he says everyone has fantasies. But even after the arguement the girl is still on his phone;And there are of course none of me. I dont know how to take this It really hurts, and at the same time dont want to lose him. Hes locked out his side of the computer, so now no matter what I cant get in. Last time I got in, he had tons of porn. I was so mad at him and felt so betrayed. I need help any advice, he and I have been together for 6 years. At first I was all he can see an love. WHAT HAPPENED.
I really dont know I am at a loss for words
My wife and I have been married 11 years. We have 2 kids 6 & 7. She is a full time home maker. I get upset when my wife leads me on all day long just to come home to snores. We have an “ok” intimate relationship. Once every 2-3 weeks some times once a month. There will be days we flirt and seems like it might happen but then it doesnt go any where. Its like I’m luring her in then she uses the same excuse shes tired. I get frustrated to the point where I dont want to flirt with her and exert my energy if its not going to get any where. On the days we do the do…inside i feel like bad because she’s not “into it” its just sex and not love. I feel like she resents me like just get it over with mentality. I pray and ask God to help me surpress my desires but some times its not enough. We talk about but nothing changes.
just letting you know gman, once every 2-3 weeks. That’s starvation brother. You guys need to be having a regular and frequent sex life and that aint it. I know. We were at once every 3-5 weeks for 17 years. My wife was happy. I was miserable. I was almost 40 and realized we still didn’t have a sex life. I began to push for change and never let the issue drop. See 1 Corinthians 7. regular/frequent sex is the standard put forth by the Apostle Paul. See proverbs 5 and the Song of Songs. you don’t need to apologize for desiring your wife.
I get that your wife is tired. That’s my wife exactly. All she ever wanted to do at night was to sit and relax in front of the TV. Nevermind that we hadn’t had sex in 35 days. I told her that the TV was my biggest rival and that the biggest problem in MY life right now(2008) was our relationship. She told me that cut her to the core. she was shocked when she found out I could no longer sleep cause of my frustration. I’d hop in the car at 2am and drive the L.A. freeways, listening to christian music and weeping to God. I would finally come home, exhausted enough to sleep, scooted to the edge of the bed so I didn’t have to touch her. I told her we didn’t have a sex life. we had a “sexual acquaintance.”
Sure I’d complained before, but I’d always let the issue drop for months at a time. i was always waiting for the next big change in our lives to make a difference. But 17 years in, I realized that no mater what, it would never change and we would go the rest of our lives without a sex life. So I just kept bringing it up, and kept the issue on the table for about a year. We argued more than we had ever argued before. I told her once when arguing about the TV watching, I’m ok with you watching TV or movies, my issue is that I want ot be having regular sex with my wife and frequently, like 2-3 times a week! (She’d watch 4 hours of TV at night to relax but say NO to me in bed)….
But finally she seemed to “hear” me. Ultimately it was a priority issue. Sex wasn’t a priority to her. It took awhile, but 4 years later, we’ve been having sex about twice a week. She will even often initiate. she did yesterday. Sometimes its once a week. Sometimes its three. things aren’t perfect. I wish she desired me more than she does. she says she does but its hard for me to “hear” that when I don’t SEE it but its much than better than before.
Anyway, sorry for such a long post. Don’t know if that was helpful to you or not.
LS
P.S. Julie, if you don;t mind, I’d like to recommend boards.themarriagebed.com to our brother here. Sexually Refused forum may be helpful to him for some additional support. Thanks!
From a woman’s perspective, at least for some of us, it is not that we don’t love you, our spouse, but really that we don’t have any interest in sex any longer. I have 4 children and a grandchild. I believe I have been in perimenopause since about 39. I have no libido. I have been to doctors, who are quick to tell me there is no real way to tell about menopause until it happens. I am being checked for adrenal fatigue (which they determined I have), thyroid (still under review), and things like gluten intolerance.
My husband, who I love dearly, has a high sex drive. I have absolutely none. I give him sex 3-4 times a week, but it is just going through the motions. I can reach orgasm, but still don’t want one, even though he insists on my pleasure. He is aware of my lack of desire for sex, and it upsets him that I don’t want it. Here is the thing most men seem not to understand. I love him, we are also best friends, he is my strongest supporter, we go dancing at least every other week, and we plan trips with the family and without them as often as we can afford to. I just have no need for sex. I give it to him because he needs it, but even though he gets sex several times a week, he wants it more. To me, it is nothing more than something I have to do to keep him happy. We had a normal, happy sex life until I reached about 40. Things changed for me, but not him. To me, sex is not about the intimacy. It is just a function. Intimacy to me is talking to each other, dancing, holding hands while watching a movie or walking down the street, or taking care of each other when we are feeling bad. I don’t think sex is intimacy for most men either, even if they try to convince others of it. They like the physical release.
For those men with wives like me, who do provide, but don’t seem too enthusiastic about it, please try to understand. We give to keep you happy. Please don’t be upset that we don’t get too enthused about it anymore. When we say we are too tired, we really are. When we say we aren’t in the mood, it is true. I don’t expect him to wash my dishes or take care of the kids, and I am not punishing him for some slight, imagined or otherwise. We cannot MAKE ourselves want to make love. It is not an attitude adjustment. My husband tells me that, when he was a kid, he ate eggs every day. One day, he woke up, and never touched them again. He won’t eat them now. He still eats them mixed in with cake mix, cookie dough, and other things. To me, it is like that. We had a normal intimate relationship for more than 12 years, but then it stopped being interesting, fun, or even pleasant for me. However, I still have a relationship with him sexually because he needs it.
By the way, he is still my best friend, I am his biggest fan, I love our crazy mixed-up family, and he is a very good lover. It isn’t that he does anything wrong. Do we ever argue? Sure we do. We are a couple, and we do disagree from time to time.
Just wanted to give my own point of view, from a wife of 23 years and mother of 4. Sometimes, it is what it is, and you have to understand her lack of need for intimacy as she tries to understand your continued need for it.
I have been married for 13 years with a 7 year old daughter. Lets cut the BS, I no longer approach for sex. Cant take the rejection or the very cold sex. I dont want to leave my wife because i dont want my daughter to be away from either one of us. And yes… I do everything am supposed to do as a husband.. I barely have sex once a month and recently it seems we are going for a record high..two months and counting
I hate having sex during my period. But my husband gets moody and angry every month during my time. Because of trauma in my past i dont like OS. Feeling resentful
@leanne… thanks for commenting. I think many wives would echo your sentiments that we don’t prefer sex during our period. I think your husband is being insensitive if he is being so insistent on sex when you are having your period.
as for Oral Sex, I think it’s understandable that this would be difficult if you have had past sexual trauma. Does your husband know about this trauma?
If he seems unwilling to grow in his empathy, would he consider marriage counseling? I know that sounds like a stock answer, but sometimes a counselor can really help a couple move past roadblocks and begin to dialogue in a way that they better understand each other.
My heart goes out to you…
Hi there all. Let me start by saying I never post on these things but I truly feel its on my heart from The Lord right now.
I have some deep rooted pain on this subject. I am married with 4 kids aged 13-3. Married just shy of 16 years. I absolutely adore my wife and know she was created for me. Typical marriage described here. Started strong sexually and has fluctuated and waned to approx. 1-2 times a month. The last few months of her rolling over in the AM saying “ok ten minutes in/out”. Then just lying there uninvolved. I truly feel worse after this than the embarrassment of straight rejection. And I do feel embarrassed for some reason
I know I am at fault for much in the marriage over the years. She absolutely is tired and busy. I TRULY get that and appreciate. However when we’ve talked she has said we are just in different places for that priority. She has said it is not one for her. I know that’s wrong. I have tried to stop my desire and focus on letting her initiate. That doesn’t work. We really get along otherwise but I harbor a healthy amount of hurt/anger over this issue that I am constantly in prayer over.
Sorry so long. I always think back to a statement she made in jest one time that still stings. She said she could go the rest of her life without sex and be fine. I didn’t laugh. It actually made me tear up and I responded “I could go the rest of my life without another meaningful conversation and be just fine. It isn’t true but I wanted to make a point to her. Worked for a little bit. But here I am.
” To me, sex is not about the intimacy. It is just a function. Intimacy to me is talking to each other, dancing, holding hands while watching a movie or walking down the street, or taking care of each other when we are feeling bad. I don’t think sex is intimacy for most men either, even if they try to convince others of it. They like the physical release” (quoting Wife of 23 Years).
Wow. Seriously. I really empathize with any ability I have for your situation and duty-sex, but I just won’t let that comment go. You are generalizing beyond belief.
Notice your own words, “Intimacy to me…” That is exceedingly subjective. If sex were not intimacy of the deepest kind for people, then the Holy Spirit would not have inspired the words “Adam knew his wife” (and God speaking about his own children in such terms as “know” [Amos 3:2] implies, then, that sexual “knowing” is a deep form of intimacy for mankind). Why do you assume that intimacy to “you” is automatically intimacy to others? Experience does not necessarily define absolute truth.
Physical release is very desirable (and God’s design!) and is in some ways comparable to the overflow of joy you likely receive from the quality time spent with your husband. But guess what, many of us who find physical touch to be our love language want to spend the rest of the evening cuddling with our wives after sex. Why? Because the act of release, although very important, might not always complete the overflow of joy in us, but the release plus cuddling might. When my wife withholds, it is not just upsetting that I did not receive a release. It says that she is withholding her love for me. It robs me of joy, it robs me of seeing the majestic display of her gorgeous body and the fulfillment that the very view alone helps to achieve! (Praise God for the female body!) It robs me of the joy cuddling brings me.
Furthermore, the fact that your husband wants to make you orgasm says that he is interested in more than just a release for himself. To pleasure his wife is to find deeper fulfillment; it is to know his wife and feel on top of the world.
No, sex is WAY more than a function. It is a one-flesh symbol within marriage pointing to the oneness between Christ and the Church; the release is God’s gift, something I doubt any of us would have ever been creative enough to think of if we were the Creator. The release, for many, not all, points to the glorious pleasures of being with God forevermore (Psalm 16:11)! And this is what all godly pleasure should point to, both inside and outside the bedroom.
Wow, what I wouldn’t give just for a wife who would only lie there and let me “go through the motions.” What a glorious luxury of a wife that would be!
Even that would be better than refusals or put-offs every single time I ask.
i am dealing with the same issues that the above men are. my wife does not see the need of sex in our relationship but neither did her mother. not to make an excuse, but the apple does not fall far from the tree. regarding the knowledge of scripture, that is right also. we are to satisfy each others needs including sex. i have been married for 33 yrs and the desert is dry. i love my wife more now than ever but the sex issue has been a sticking point. i am still trying to find the combination that unlocks the door. i will not give up on her and will continue working on myself.
i been married for about a year and my wife wants kids but is always tired and i always have homework. we are lucky if we have intercourse every 3 months. i dont understand every time i have time she doesnt and vice versa. how can you have kids with no sex. it will be a little over a year and before marriage we did it like 2 times a week. now its like never.
Many women just use men as a front or to not have to work because they have no education or skills. They may be closeted lesbians who find sex with husband unpleasant especially as they get older. Their reproductive drives will also diminish and so will sex drive if they do not nurture. They may have been abused and now that they are married and have a committed husband they just live there like a relative. Many are lazy leeches who onmy care for themselves. Most divorces are initiated by women. I have attended marriage counseling by myself for a long time as my wife refuses to go. Wife may not discuss, and the man may blow up, or stray. He will be judged as the partner doing wrong and will lose raising his children, his income while divorced wife can have children and remarry to double her non working income. All things should be discussed before marriage or you and your children will suffer.
If your wife is not all over you when you are fit and confidently doing your best, her reproductive drives may not encourage her to reproduce with you or even to bond with you to protect your children. She may prefer your paycheck or your babysitting time. If you feel confident, take her after you woo her and she is willing. You are a man. She is a woman. If she says naw naw for months, ask her directly if she wants you. You may not like the answer. A woman with kids may get money in child support, food stamps, and then some other sucker will think she likes him. Especially if you are not super fit and not making enough money to support all of you. You need to have money, man, and work and risk to get it everyday. Your wife would have to have that skin in the game if she lost you, too. But she doesn’t. Then she is a sexless parasite.
Is OS biblical
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I am having the same problem as most on here no sex because my wife dosent want to and has a whole raft of excuses all of which an be interchanged at any time if I’m honest after 3 years I have just started assuming that she dosent want sex and don’t really pay attention to the excuse any more because it’s just that an excuse. The reason for my post us I would like some more practical advise than pray or believe in God/Jesus with out wishing to offend any one I do not believe in God I do not want to cheat on my wife and I do not want to leave her but I feel like I don’t have a choice as this is making me frustrated which is making me miserable which is making me angry and that’s making us fight and she either can’t or won’t understand this
@Dave: Unfortunately, this is a Christian blog. As a non-believer, you have many options we do not. In that same way, we have options you do not. Appealing to the spiritual being can have a very profound effect, as can that ultimate accountability we have to God for our actions. Outside of religion, there is no one to appeal to other than secular authorities. You should definitely go to counseling. Also realize that about 20% of marriages in the US classify as “sexless”. Having an affair should never be contemplated. If you truly are at that point, divorce is the most honest path you can take for both of you. But divorce should never be a hammer to beat a spouse into submission, nor should it ever be mentioned in the heat of anger.
But do consider that those of us writing these Christian blogs advocate *much more* than just believing/praying. God only helps. He does not magically fix. We encourage people to examine themselves and understand their spouses and do what they can to improve themselves as a spouse and in such a manner, create an environment where their spouse will have an incentive to change as well. Even in the secular world it is widely understood you can only change yourself. God is a friend we can confide in, a sounding board for our thoughts and a source of strength, wisdom and peace we can call upon. You might want to give Him a try.
Thanks for the blog . As a man it gives me more reasons to not have sex with my wife. It’s going on 4 years and I don’t miss it. Been hit , spit on , told my family sucks compared to hers. And she wonders why I don’t want it.
I have heard many of these excuses for most of our marriage. Granted, there have been real medical issues that prevented sexual activity but they were temporary. If those were the only times we abstained, then I would be more understanding. The truth is, for most of our 8 years of marriage these issues were not a factor. Now there is a new medical issue that prevents intercourse but does not interfere with other sexual activities. Oral and manual are still possible and she has said that she would prefer those anyway but still won’t follow through. Before this problem arose, we had sex maybe 10 times per year for our whole marriage. We never made love on our wedding night because she was too tired and scared of it being painful. Even on our romantic getaway honeymoon, we only made love once in 10 days and that was out of guilt/pity. I have been very open and honest with her about how it makes me feel when we go for long periods of time without any sexual connection. After the argument that followed each of my heartfelt pleadings, I would get a half-hearted effort (basically to shut me up) and then no thought about it until I had another breakdown. I am completely OK with not having intercourse for now because it is painful for her and apparently always has been (a fact she never told me until her recent diagnosis). I just want her to meet me part way with some other non penetrative form of sexual activity. I want to feel wanted and desired by the woman I married who, up until marriage expressed desire for me. We waited until marriage only to find out that she only though she desired me. She liked the engagement and dating and getting married with all the excitement of the wedding but the actual “being married and following through on the promises” was not what she wanted. We have no children and probably never will given our lack of a sexlife. She has talked about adopting because she wants children but I will never agree to it unless she works on our sexlife first. I refuse to raise a child in the miserable home we have with parents who just fake their way through life living as roommates. I grew up in a cold emotionless house with parents who looked perfect to the world but demeaned, belittled, fought with, or ignored each other at home for years until finally divorcing. I would rather not have children at all than subject them to the childhood I had.
I think the last comment is moving in the right directio. I have been married 3 times and cohabited for 9 years. Sex is always used or heavil implied to gain marrital status but after the day there is little or nine at all. I have also heard wives question wether its right for a man to expect sex in a marriage at all. Now I am contemplating marriage to a lively Christian lady who is adamant that we will be fine when married, obviously abstaining now but already see the seeds of excuses developing. Health, too busy and and even if we do I am sure it will just be wam bam and little fun.
Pointing to, what I feel, is closer to the root of the issue, is conditioning of the mind and creating / practicing good habits.
Love is an action word. Sure emotional grow from love but really, love is a decision. You can slowly close the door or open it.
Anyone can choose other things that interfere with displaying love; We all do that. It takes a bit of decision and action to demonstrate love.
I always use the analogy of a garden. Anyone can initially plant a garden (get married) but it takes on going work to CARE for that garden. If you choose to occupy your time with other activities and then claim you’re too busy to care for the garden then that’s your choice! It reveals what you believe is important.
I can make a thousand excuses and busy up my time with many things and that’s fine… but I have no business planting a garden if I am not going to care for it!
In my garden I’ve planted: business, friendship, and intimacy.
It is intimacy that is usually susceptible to disease and then slowly the friendship catches the disease and finally the business relationship suffers. In the end, the garden fails.
I feel like I’m sounding like Chauncey Gardener (old movie).
Needless to say, you’re attracted by it’s choice fruits.
What if your “tempted by the fruit of another”?
Why wouldn’t you be when your own fruits are being denied?!
Marriage produces fruit. What if that tree doesn’t produce fruit? It’s thrown in the fire.
I miss intimacy. I miss being hugged, kissed, and adored.
I’d love to know what my wife wants and needs…. she doesn’t even know!
Apparently it isn’t me!
If I’m hungry I go get it. I fill my immediate need. Apparently my wife doesn’t have a need for me. She doesn’t have a hunger for me and wow is that displayed.
I’m finding that there are exists a lot of people that do relationships with animals/pets. These say people usually can interact with children well enough because they can dictate and control them. Unfortunately, when it comes to adult relationships, they really are clueless and always feel threatened.
This mind set usually gives way to a false dichotomy of self preservation. Instead of practicing sacrifice and some compromise they practice selfishness. We all do it to some degree but in daily marriage, it creates distance.
Oh well, I could go on and on but why? I cannot impact my own marriage.