sexual intimacy, Uncategorized
Creative Sex? Give These 3 Ideas a Try
Sep
My husband and I recently went on a date.
Our dates always include food, because… well… in my husband’s mind, it’s not a date unless food is involved.
(That must be a guy thing, although I don’t want to stereotype).
We both love Chinese food, so off to the Chinese buffet we went.
This is the place where they make money on me. And lose money on him. It’s a complete wash.
Seriously.
There is no financial incentive for them to have us walk in the door.
“What does this have to do with sex?” you may be wondering.
You’re probably thinking the obvious — incorporating food into our sexual intimacy. Not a bad idea, mind you. If we weren’t talking about Chinese food.
The hot n’ sour soup and lo mein noodles and sesame chicken just aren’t doing it for me in a sexual sort of way.
But we do have this little funny thing we do when we read fortunes from the fortune cookies.
Whatever the fortune says, we add “in bed” on the end of it.
(Yes, we are that pathetic. This is entertainment to us. Sad, but true).
So, we finish up our date (the part of it in the restaurant, that is)… and I open up my fortune cookie.
“Now is a good time to try something new.”
So, of course, I read this as —
“Now is a good time to try something new… in bed.”
If you read my post Sexual Positions in Marriage: Hey I’m a Housewife, Not a Gymnast, you already know that I do have my limits on what I can actually do in bed. I’ve had some amazing orgasms, but not one of them would be worth a month in traction afterward. Not one.
Honestly, though, it is fun to try new things in bed.
Even if you’ve been married for years and/or your list of physical limitations are hogging a gigabyte of your doc’s computer system, there still is room for some creativity during sexual intimacy.
And by “creativity,” I mean the kind that won’t compromise the exclusivity of your marriage or force you to deep six your values.
Here are three ideas:
1. Play to his visual senses.
I don’t need a survey to tell me that guys tend to be more visually-stimulated than gals (although there is pa-lenty of research that backs this point up). I’d do the man-on-the-street interviews to prove my point, but that would just be weird. Possibly inappropriate.
I’m just tossing you a slow pitch right over the plate here. I’m guessing that your husband would like (love?) to see your sensuous side — from all sides.
Through my incredibly unscientific experiments (uh… the ones I conduct in my own bedroom), I don’t even think you would need a sexy negligee to pique his interest. The negligee is nice, but a sheer white t-shirt… or one of his dress shirts casually buttoned with the two center buttons… might just do it for him.
Key here is confidence.
I don’t want to minimize any body image struggles you may have. (I know the photoshopped women are taunting you from the newsstand every time you’re picking up juice boxes and laundry detergent. I get it.)
I just want to remind you that nearly all husbands when asked would say they want their wife…
they want to see their wife’s body…
they want to touch their wife’s breasts…
they want to experience you…
without having to first navigate through three layers of flannel. In the dark.
If having the overhead light on feels too overwhelming, then go for some candlelight or a lamp on a nightstand.
Take things slow and let him experience your body. Visually. And physically.
2. Massage him.
I went to massage therapy school long ago (crazy right? I’ve never quite figured out what I want to be when I grow up). What I learned at massage therapy school is something that seems obvious, but sadly so many people overlook.
Touch is powerful. Off-the-charts powerful.
Unless you are already having amazing sex on a regular basis, I’m willing to bet there are parts of your husband’s body you have not really explored.
Do you want to turn him on?
Take your time caressing and massaging every inch of his body before you start touching his penis and testicles. From head to toe, touch him with a good mix of light caresses and deep massage. Concentrate on his body with love and passion and I would be willing to bet his arousal will be noticeable. I’m just saying.
3. Get on top.
I realize some wives have this move mastered, but many do not. Yet, it is a position that some husbands find incredibly sensuous. This could be for a variety of reasons.
My guess is that the most significant reason is it requires a wife to genuinely put some heart and effort into it — at least if you want it to be enjoyable. In other words, when you are on top, you can’t just wing it.
A woman on top tends to want to be there — and this kind of intentional effort is apparent to the man you love and married.
Honestly, not only is it a fun position, it also is an intimate one. (Plus, some wives feel it is an easier way for them to climax because they have more control over the pressure and rhythm of movement on the clitoris).
For some of you reading this, these are tame ideas. For others of you reading this, these are pushing past boundaries you possibly had set in stone at some point.
But hey, this isn’t geometry class where there are absolute answers.
You’re free to come up with your own answers on what creativity looks like. You’re free to play around with the angles. Maybe even throw in one of those story problems…
“If Susie and her husband Dave drove separate cars to the Chinese restaurant, and they both leave at the same time feeling emotionally connected, how long will it take them to drive home. Rip off each other’s clothes. And try something new. In bed.”
Hmmm. Something to think about, huh?
Copyright 2011, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
Speaking as a husband, Amen!!
Point #1 – be confident, ladies, you are the only naked woman in the room, and wearing a smile as you approach your husband just makes it great. If the lights are out, he can’t see the smile, and can only guess at the level of anticipation that you approach him with.
Point #2 – Just as you like to be touched and massaged, touch and massage. What feels good to you? Chances are it will feel good to him. Turn about is more than fair play, here; it’s gold.
Point #3 – When you are on top, you can’t just “wing it,” you can’t fake it. Pushing him onto his back and climbing aboard tells him that you aren’t just along for the ride, but are really into him.
Great points, all.
Love this post! Woman on top is a great position to try. It does get the wife more involved and allows the husband a nice view. Asking your spouse to rub something on you can make the massage seem more natural and smooth out that touch. (I’d love to hear any recommendations a trained massage therapist has for good massage oils or lotions!)
I’m not a massage therapist, but we love The Body Shop’s Sensual Massage Oil.
http://www.thebodyshop-usa.com/body-products/massage-products/sensual-massage-oil.aspx
I’m sure most men would be content with their wives (1) being open minded about and attentive to God’s will for intimacy in marriage, (2) accepting God’s design for sexual pleasure with her body: rediscover it and empower it, and (3) guiding her husband in pleasing her, whether it’s in the bedroom, at the kitchen sink, that conversation over the dinner table, or anything that helps meet the needs your have for intimacy. (Not that this comes last; it’s a package deal.)
I used to believe that there were no (hardly any) honest wives (Christian or otherwise) with real sexual desire except for some who had bonding issues or self-image problems. My wife has even said as much, that no normal wife really has any desire for sex; certainly none of her close friends (all Christians). But I’ve learned here and a number of other Christian sites that the opposite is true: A truly honest Christian wife will accept those ideas, pray about the distance between where they are now and where God intends them to be, and seek out their husband to talk about what a mutually intimate marriage can and should look like.
Not to say that these women are “dishonest,” but if they’re going to accept this hell-spawned idea that a lack of sexual desire is not only normal but acceptable, what do you call that?
Thanks for encouraging the wives out there, Julie, who not only understand these purposes but are willing to expand a bit in creativity as you suggest. For now, I’m just seeking a ‘creative’ way to bring up this whole subject again since the last time resulted in things getting shut down even worse.
@ Jco
One thing I’ve very recently discovered is how the law of sowing and reaping apply to marital intimacy (not just…but it’s included for sure).
So what you want to reap. Look deeper than the physical acts themselves (not to discount them in any way…very important to us hubbies) and find what is truly being sought by you, the sow that into your wife. God will watch over His word to perform it when you act on it in faith.
For me, I’ve discovered what I’m seeking is validation of my sexuality, acceptance of my sexuality by my wife, for my wife to fully know me and understand me (but not necessarily what drives me…just that I’m driven that way).
So I’ve purposed in my heart to look for these similar areas in my wife and sow validation, acceptance, understanding…becoming a student of her so I may know her how I want her to know me.
The areas in your wife where she needs to feel this will most likely be non-sexual areas. God showed me about two weeks ago that I have not yet given my wife her whole authority over my body as I Cor. 7:4 describes. I wrote an itemized list of all my major body parts (yep, including my penis) and how I offered them to her in service to her from this point forward. It was very well received.
Accidentally hit publish before I meant to!
I was led to write what I wrote, and ever since then I’ve been filled with a peace and a patience to go at my wife’s pace sexually (I am the higher-drive spouse currently) and allow God to hold me up while I sow into her. God is faithful! When we step out in obedience to his word in faith He moves on our behalf…every time!
Pray and ask God how to do this in your marriage…He knows your situation and can lead you to all the right steps for restoration of this area of your life and hers.
I believed the deception that “good girls don’t” for a very long time…so that doesn’t just affect wives. It caused me lots of problems…but God is working me through and I have been made victorious in Christ!
I can honestly say this has improved sexual intimacy in my marriage. I am confident it will work for you too…God’s word does not fail!
@ JCO:
A couple of things that have helped me with my wife’s lack of desire…
1) From what I’ve been learning the past year, many (if not most) women do not frequently experience spontaneous sexual desire. That is, they do not have desire, seek sex, become aroused, and climax, which is the typical male pattern. Instead women often begin with arousal. When sufficiently aroused, she will experience sexual desire and then (hopefully) orgasm. This is the pattern my wife almost always follows. I am learning (slowly) to accept that she is just not going to desire me sexually until we are well into having sex and will rarely initiate because sex is simply the last thing on her mind. I am learning not to take it personally, since this is not something she can help. She’s just wired this way (It helps that she is usually pretty accommodating of my desire). But my point is that women who say they have little desire aren’t necessarily lying to themselves or repressing their sexuality. This blog exists to help women who want help with sexual aspects of their marriage, so their must a significant number of women who don’t have it all together in the bedroom.
2) Don’t just ask for more sex. Let her know how her behavior makes you feel.
3) If you try to change your wife, she will probably resist. Who wants to hear, “There’s something wrong with you and you need to change!”
Your wife wants to be loved and accepted as she is. When she feels this, she may (or may not) make changes of her own accord. Give up on trying to change her. You can only change yourself.
4) Don’t depend on sex with your wife for your self esteem. I have been guilty of depending on my wife’s response to my initiating sex to make me feel good about my self. If she said yes and had a good time, it made me feel validated. It meant I was desirable and a good lover. If not I felt inadequate and wondered what was wrong with me. Why did my wife not want me like I wanted her? I asked her how I was failing that she did not desire me, but there was nothing. It was how she was wired, and once I learned to not take it personally, I knew that her response didn’t necessarily have anything to do with my abilities as a husband or lover.
Thanks Bob,
I know your words are true and I’ve been making a long, sincere effort at improving the relationship with my wife, not focussing on sex but on everything. We’re communicative and spend time together doing things, but there is no interest or spark in her for me. None. I’m fit, attractive, and rarely on the couch (and even then it’s for family interaction). It’s September, and we’ve been physically intimate 4 times this year (on par for the past few years). There’s no past issues, no history to compete with that I know of. Just life, and for some reason, that dimension of our marriage is just plain unimportant to her. (If it was, at all, at least she’d be receptive to discussing it, which she is not.) I appreciate your prayers.
Jco…I pray (right now, with these words) that as you are faithful to God and your wife that God moves on behalf of you both.
Not being in your situation it’s hard for me to relate and give advice. I will continue to pray for your situation as the Holy Spirit prompts me to.
Obedience to God can always help…and nothing is too difficult for Him! Hang in there and love your wife as Christ loved the church…giving his all and expecting nothing in return…yet hoping all would come to know and love him and the Father.
Thanks Bob,
I don’t mean to sound so pessimistic or unfaithful, but I’ve just about given up. Still I will wait on the Lord, for He is faithful.
I’ve been so deliberate over the past number of years in trying to improve my relationship to my wife and trying harder to meet her needs. While we get along very well she just doesn’t respond to my God-given need for physical affection, touch, and sex. For my part I’ve backed off of turning touches into something more and given her a lot more room to feel safe when we do touch. I don’t judge or criticize her and do nothing to try to change her. We date, we have long conversations, even cuddle occasionally on the couch watching a movie. If I try to initiate sex I’m shut down, greeted with frustration or just a plain old cold shoulder (except once this year, and a few times where she actually initiated). When I try to discuss it with her away from the bedroom she’s reluctant to talk at best, generally defensive, and tries to drop the subject. I can’t even get to the point of telling her how her behavior or attitudes make me feel; before I can even get there she feels guilty and defensive and walls go up. It happens every time. Whenever I talk about me in that equation it shifts the focus to my physical desires, despite my efforts to help her understand that I want her to be fulfilled and pleased. She just doesn’t believe in that.
I’ve brought up counseling (general couples counseling rather than specific to sex) and she just doesn’t want to pursue it. We’re both christians and have always been faithful with nothing in our pasts to haunt us. I’m left to believe that she wants this sort of non-sexual, partner relationship. If I were to ask her to read this site or any of the other Christian blogs linked here that deal with marriage and sex I would receive so much anger from her, but how I wish she could find this site and take Julie’s writing to heart. She says she knows that sex is a good thing, but that we’re in a season of life where it really shouldn’t matter if or when it happens. As for self-esteem, it’s not about that. I derive that first through my faith, through the validation of my wife marrying me and being completely loyal to me and running a great home, through my family, friends, and my work. I am richly blessed. But I do look for connection and bonding in my marriage, for the depth of interaction and sweetness of physical interplay that only a loving couple can experience in a Godly marriage. The absence of that does not speak to my self-esteem but to the heart of our marriage. Do I really have her heart?
For me it’s one day to another, hoping and waiting for something to click. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over again but expecting a different outcome, and having conversations with my wife over and over and over again is about to drive her insane. I guess I’m at a point of learning how to love her and be married without this dimension of intimacy. I know some couples experience this more tragically, so I should be thankful to be spared injury or disease that would lead to this. I could never leave my wife, ever, no matter how strong my desires and “drives” for sex may be.
Sorry to sound self-pitying; I really don’t mean to. I’m trying to be objective and just say what’s going on. Thank you for your feedback and prayers.
JCO: I am sorry your wife is non responsive. I know that is painful. (and hard on your system) Something to try might be to hire a housekeeper/ cleaning lady to take some of the pressure off her. Woo her. Buy her flowers, tell her she is beautiful, take her out on dates. But all those things aside, I think four times in so many months indicates a deeper problem… maybe you should suggest counselling and a visit to the doctor. If she loves you she really does need to take care of your needs as a way of selfless giving/loving you. God said so. Have you figured out how to please her in bed? Maybe some techniques would help too? I know that demanding it from her will only make it a chore, but some serious discussion is in order.
She is obviously non responsive to the idea… but the website
http://christiannymphos.org/
has been invaluable to me in terms of freedom to enjoy life.
I hear your heart Jco…I hurt for you and wish I could do something that would allow you to see something that would boost your hope. :/
From what you said in your last comment, we’re you two sitting in front of me for counciling, I would encourage your wife to find a godly woman to discuss this area of her life with (one similar to Julie as far as her understanding and attitude toward sex). It sounds like (without hearing your wife’s side) there are either some underlying issues in her life or she is just ignorant (willfully or not) about how important sexual intimacy is to a marriage and to husbands.
I don’t think you are self-pitting…you sound like you are hurting but are still keeping the right attitude about it. Only God knows for sure what’s going on in your marriage and He holds the key to making it be as He designed for it to be.
I’m sure you have, but ask God to show her your pain, ask Him to show you new ways to approach all of this so you don’t feel insanity setting in…He is faithful as you said.
Praying with you bro…
JCO: I don’t know you, but as I read your comments this is what came to mind : “could it be that maybe your wife has some kind of trauma in her past? maybe some sexual trauma or frustration? maybe in her upbringing.” She sounds defensive and hurt. When you say she reacts with anger, what comes across is that she may feel hurt and betrayed, almost like she can’t believe she is hearing this from you.
You haven’t said anything about her age, but sometimes when women go through menopause they face lots of hormonal changes, that can alter their bodies and emotions.
Pray and ask the Lord to reveal to you whatever it’s hidden in her life to bring it to light. Pray and ask the Lord to show you how to pray for her. He can reveal your wife to you, He can show you how to love her, if that is really your desire, more than just to have sex with her.
Jco – Check out the blog Married Man Sex Life and the book by the same name. These are not Christian resources, but they do have some very good ideas for helping men help their wives become more interested in sex. You can ignore the ideas that don’t fit your Christian values, but try the others. This is a different approach from the one that most Christian men take in dealing with this problem, and it may be just what you need. I am a married woman and bought the book for my husband and I both to read!
Thanks again everyone.
I’m under no illusion that I’m the perfect mate, but I am a far better husband than just a few years ago and I keep trying to win my wife’s attention and affections. I cannot comprehend the distance. I have read MMSL’s blog (not the book) and have applied some of what I think is appropriate. His perspective is very much grounded in his worldview. Our family dynamics are different and I don’t believe everything he writes applies universally.
While there are some modest (and very treatable) physical issues for her, some regrets from our dating years, and a lot of short-sightedness and self-centeredness on my part since we married 21 years ago, I believe that the real issue is in her attitudes toward sexuality. And maybe she’s lost interest in me. She doesn’t like to talk about this despite my efforts to create a safe environment to do so and even to seek counseling (which she declined to do). Within the past year she expressed to me that her desire was to have desire again, but presently it’s not there. But I see nothing in her trying to change that, mainly because she is preoccupied with other (real) priorities.
I may have said too much here, but I appreciate the feedback and don’t like leaving so much guess work from you good hearted people. Prayer, above all else, is what she and I need. My prayer for her is that she will be willing to talk, willing to listen, willing to embrace the reality that God has intended her to experience pleasure and fulfillment in all aspects of marriage. It’s hard to be hopeful, but I try.
JCO – brother, I think I’ve have walked in your shoes. Not quite as long perhaps and our issues were a little different, but I have been some of the places you’ve been. Like you I chose to remain committed to my marriage and to honor the promise I made almost 25 years ago now.
In our relationship, I think the worst parts of this may have been connected to menopause, more strictly speaking perimenopause. Eventually my bride talked to her Dr., and they found the right combination of meds that made a dramatic difference. Once that happened, it made a huge difference for her – in terms of her emotional health, frame of mind, outlook on life in general. Once life got better for her, then our relationship began to improve. I had just about given up hope. A year ago, we had hit rock bottom. Now – our relationship is in a very, very different place.
I would draw hope from her statement to you that her desire is to have desire again. From my own experience, I would have taken that as an invitation to being working very, very gently on discussing how important intimacy is and how much you have missed being intimate. Encourage her to talk to her most trusted doctor to rule out some medical issue, like hormones out of balance, or the like.
Hang in there.
Jco, it would seem that your struggles have attracted a lot of attention! I would not claim to know much of what you are experiencing and normally wouldn’t have commented on this thread, however, one statement caught my attention. You say “some regrets from our dating years”. Are these physical regrets? i will base my comment on the assumption that you are referring to physical regrets with one another… When I was in bible college one statement a married student said has always stuck with me. She said “the more you give (physically) before marriage, the harder it will be to trust once you are married.”
You also state than when you bring up these things as points of discussion your wife responds with anger, and almost a sense of betrayal. It could very well be that she has not forgiven you for taking away her purity/virginity before marriage (consental or not this can still be a MAJOR issue).
Have you every humbly approached this topic, seeking forgiveness and just utterly being broken before her and repenting for taking that from her? In the book, Intimate Issues, there is a chapter that deals with this topic and goes though prayers and different steps to find healing in that area. You might consider finding a copy and just reading that chapter for yourself, so you can understand better what she may be carrying around with her.
Also, you say she has initiated a few times… what was different those days? For her and for you. It just seems strange to me that she would initiate given where things are at…
Trusting and praying with you for a wife who finds healing and a renewed desire to fully know and be fully known.