marriage problems, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
Can We Get More Christians Talking About Sex?
Oct
My friend Leah and I were recently at a women’s event at a local church, where we went to the meet-and-greet beforehand with Christian speakers Patsy Clairmont, Jan Silvious and Anita Renfroe.
So much fun!
Don’t ask me why, but as the meet-and-greet was wrapping up and people were lining up to take photos with these wonderful speakers, some gals overheard Leah and I talking about our respective blogs.
Leah and her husband Jay have a cool blog about craft cocktails (you can check it out at this link!), and I blog about sex, as you know.
So this compelled me to unabashedly proclaim to the women near us, “She blogs about liquor! I blog about sex!” I even jokingly held out each of my hands, as if one hand represented her blog and one represented mine. Then I grasped my hands, smiled, and said, “Put the two together!”
She and I had a good laugh about that.
One whole row of women, though, had looks on their faces that clearly revealed they thought we were complete freaks. We had just had made reference to sex and liquor. In a church. At a Christian women’s event.
As I get older, I’m not overly concerned what people think of me, especially as a Christian woman who blogs about sex.
But it all got me thinking of the irony that Christians (especially married Christians) should be the most comfortable talking about sex in marriage, yet the body of believers generally is not. If anything, we are incredibly uncomfortable.
We shy away from authentic dialogue about sex. And many married couples haven’t embraced how passionate and wonderful sex can be within the exclusivity of marriage.
So as my readers, I’m curious to hear your thoughts on this. A couple things to ponder:
(1) What specifically makes Christians hesitant to talk about sex?
(2) What can I do as a Christian writer and speaker to further the conversation in an authentic way?
Feel free to comment in the comment section. You can comment anonymously if you like; simply put “anonymous” in the name holder.
Also, remember that I moderate my comments, which just means I have to go in and approve them. That way I can delete comments that are simply SPAM or have links to inappropriate content (like porn sites). Sadly, I get a lot of those spammy comments. It’s ridiculous. But it’s also why I moderate my comments.
I value you as readers, so I look forward to what you are going to share. Let’s get the conversation going! Help me understand what more I can do to help build authentic dialogue about sex.
For more reading, cruise through my list of past posts. as well as my page with a bunch of posts on orgasm.
Copyright 2019, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
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To be honest, I would never admit to any of my Christian friends that I read Christian blogs about sex in marriage.My church regularly talks marriage but rarely about sex (except for porn, adultery, homosexuality and pre-marital sex). I think that we need more pastors who are willing to sponsor marriage events that include issues covered in your blog. Keep up the good work!!
I tell lots of people at our church that I read Christian blogs on sex. however our pastor thinks there is not a problem with not talking about sex because he feels there is not a problem, just because he thinks their marriage is ok. We are a “pillar” of the church and we have lots of trouble, but no one will talk about it. I get so frustrated. We have a smaller church and I know several families that would benefit from teaching on sex, but they still need to put it into practice, which a lot of people won’t put in the hard work, but at least they would know. I could say so very much more…….
I forgot to say I look so forward to the new posts coming strait to my email and heart. Keep up the GREAT work Julie!!
I would never talk about sex in church or a church group. I’m early 50’s now and growing more and more conservative as I age. Definitely not getting more uninhibited. I actually blame the currently more open and free culture we live in. Every single show on TV blasts nudity, profanity and sex. Every joke revolves around sex or drugs. Big turn off. Tried watching that show about the couple moving to Nebraska. Pure trash. The lady spent the entire episode in just a bra talking about sex. Seriously? Prime time TV that we need to turn off when kids enter the room
I go to church to hear the word of God and help me formulate Godly solutions to problems I deal with on a daily basis. Society has much bigger problems that need attention. Want to talk about sex? Let’s get to the root of why evil people feel the need to traffic human beings for sex. Let’s get to the root of why every movie and TV show needs sex and nudity.
If anything sex needs to be talked less about, not more and the world would be such a better place without it. It used to be a strictly behind closed doors topic.
As a pastor, “I am not ashamed to talk about what God was not ashamed to create.” (CS Lewis)
You’ve heard all my ideas. But what I personally got out of this post is YOU AND I NEED TO HANG OUT! Let’s make some more heads turn. 😉 And help more marriages.
Thanks for all you do!
I think there is a huge mix up between privacy and secrecy. God talks about sex many times in the Bible. He created it. It is good, within the boundaries He also created.
The difference between privacy and secrecy is that privacy is meant to protect something, where secrecy is to hide something. Privacy means we don’t just blab our stories everywhere and let the world in on what should stay in the bedroom, but secrecy implies that what is in the bedroom is shameful.
The world errs on lack of privacy, and Christians often err on too much secrecy. The result? Discontent, struggling, frustrated, hurting, shamed, numb people who no longer believe the truth about sex, and who have no one to talk to when things get difficult or confusing. It is just where the enemy wants us to stay. So sad.
I’m glad I found your blog. I’ll be back.
I think James, like so many, has an unbalanced view of sex.
If God created sex (and He did), then why is it wrong to talk about it, especially as He meant it to be in a Christian marriage? The word of God that James speaks of has plenty of things to say about us having sex in our marriage!
The “behind closed door” approach where no one gets to the heart of the matter is exactly what is wrong with the church’s view of sex today. I especially see this being true when it comes to us talking with our kids about sex. Instead of us telling our kids that YES you should have sex with your spouse often and enjoy it as much as possible, we say nothing and they learn about it from the world. It’s the same world that James is talking about. Rather than our kids hearing that it’s a great thing that God designed for our lives in a marriage, they get their cues from an enemy distorted view of sex.
I think all Julie is promoting here is honest conversation. I have never felt that she treated the subject with disrespect! Rather than pretend and push the topic aside, she has brought the challenges and struggles of many couples to light. Good for her!
Keep up the good work Julie! You have a real ministry here. Thank you.
So, I address this to answer the question, but also to make a comment on James’ post. It is indeed a dichotomy. We have a bigger than ever exposure to adulterous and premarital sex, porn, affairs, aberrant sex acts…. showing all on prime time t.v. I agree with James that there is too much of that side of things.
However, I see causation between the inability of the church to address married sex–from the pulpit, from focused premarital counseling, and through the availability of couples mentoring other couples, plus many more options we ignore in our church. The fact that we won’t talk about it, with laser-like focus to the right groups with the right topics, causes people to find their answers in inappropriate ways.
Sure, I think it can be discussed too much, but I think because sex was hidden from me as a teenager, this caused me to act in inappropriate ways. It also made me, at best, unprepared for a marriage that has lasted nearly 48 years. The anniversary of my first date with my wife will be 50 years this October 30th.
We were handed a series of books, shrink wrapped paper backs. One was on preparing for marriage (is it really love, etc.) Another was on families, how our family would change and more. There was one on finance and career. And yes, there was one on sex.
They were a shrink-wrapped set, so it would have been awkward for the pastor to remove the one about sex. Instead, guess which one he did NOT discuss over the weeks preceding our marriage?
Yes, it was the one on sex. That omission spoke volumes to a couple of kids, both of us virgins, and both of us with a million questions. The silence spoke volumes. This omission said it isn’t ok to ask questions about the purpose of sex, why waiting is a good idea, what to expect, and hundreds of other things.
We muddled through, but with a lot of pain, both in understanding our role, and figuring out our differences. Being the higher desire partner, I felt hurt when I was told no. My wife didn’t understand my desire, so she covered her guilt by lashing out at me, saying “Is sex all you think about?” (Why yes, at age 20, it was pretty much always on my mind. Why wasn’t it on hers?)
But this is a personal digression. More to the point of the question: “Why is it difficult to talk about sex in a church setting?”
1. It is a tradition to ignore sex, except for the “Don’t do its!”
2. It is assumed that people will learn from their parents. (see no. 1.)
3. If you were shamed to silence by your parents, you will be shamed to silence when YOU parent. And, you will take your children to a church this is not bold about the positive aspects of married sex.
Hi. Yes, we as Christians should be leading the way regarding intimacy. The world certainly doesn’t look our way to sex at any given point from my view. I was raised in the church. The only time sex is addressed from the Pulpit is when there is sexual failure. Within my lifetime the word sex was not to be spoken. Now is the time to show the world what God intended for sex and intimacy. Lord help us. The world needs help in this category too.
This piece assumes that it is necessary for a “sex life” never to decline. Many cultures, including mine, assume that with age many things decline including one’s interest in sex, and that this is natural and just fine. The American idea that no one should ever grow old and that sex is always as necessary as food may just be wrong.
There is so much work to do on this topic…so much misinformation and so many lies out there related to it. Julie I’m glad to see you’re still going strong. I am sad that I got away from reading your blog (catching up now!).
Sex is an area where the Church is allowing Satan to win without much (any?) challenge. It is foolish to ignore this as it literally affects everyone on the planet.
Imagine a world where God’s view and plan for sex was the one held in highest regard…there’s only one way to get there and that is for God’s people to speak the truth on the topic.
I know until recently I viewed sex as dirty, something that shouldn’t happen. Then I saw something about God blessing sex in a marriage between a man and woman. On top of that we were raised to believe that sex isn’t something you talk about in church. I prayed to God to help me see sex differently. Now I enjoy sex with my husband of 35 yeaes.
@Nia,
I guess I would say, that one needs to define “sex life” and define “decline”. I remember what a big deal it was, at age 17, to hold hands with my girlfriend, who ultimately became my wife, 47 years ago. Now, at an older age, there are fewer opportunities for sexual intercourse. I look forward to and savor them, but also, I sometimes love holding my wife’s hand, something I was nervous about 50 years ago, but now, feel as sure of as scratching my arm when it itches.
God is wonderful! He gave us sex, and yes, it may slow down in the Hollywood passionate part of it, but when it is possible, it is precious.
Contrary to your post, I don’t see a lot of American cultural media saying we should be having passionate sex in our older years. It’s more of a joke and kind of an embarrassment if people are expressing that at all. It’s almost like “Ewww! Not old people!”
But if there is an opportunity, I take it. It is the ultimate human expression of love of one human being to another. I hope you don’t feel bullied to express sexual desire in older age, but I would also encourage you to think maybe there are other reasons for disinterest. Age is not as big a barrier to +anything+ as people would like to think.
Look up the story of Abraham and Sarah in the Bible. That wasn’t an immaculate conception!
I meant to comment on your writings on jeolously. But it’s possible to answer one with the other. I was once traveling with a young man and out of the blue he asked what’s the secret to happiness. He got a one word answer. CONTENTMENT. Have you learned to be content. Yes. Envious on learned. Why are couples leary to talk sex. First of all a man should never speak to an other women about there sex lives without both spouses present. And I think if they shared the same pew they shouldn’t either. Christians can talk sex if they are content with their own sex lives. Content couples never travel. If they are not content or harbour any inappropriate fantasy or enjoy porn christian people won’t speak sex. Callous sex talk should never come out of the mouth of a Christian. But content stay at home persons could and should talk sex if it’s appropriate. I love talking sex because I know about healing and Christian freedom. Oh yes we know Christian freedom now.
Raised without any knowledge about sex. No formal education about sex. Married my wife for a number of reasons. One I needed someone to have sex with and I also I knew she had a really high sex drive. So did I. Too many troubles right out of the gate. Health depression finances but mostly wrong shame about sex both of us. Penis way too big for her tinny bits. After 25 years we chaged not over night but I bet very few enjoy sex like we do today. Very few could sit down with a couple and explain a few things in an entertaining wholesome sex conversation that would send the two of them home and do a little delightful sex together. I was right about the sex drive compatibility. It was awkward and even painful to be truthful about sex as a couple in the beginning not alone speak of it to others.
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Have such a cold cant sleep. Kissed my wife and reassured again how much I appreciate and love her. It’s 20/20 now. What will happen in 20/20 don’t know but I’m really secure right now. What a blessing. Jesus said because I live you will live also. It’s so important not to make sex an idol that’s suppose to bring bliss. The act of sex will never bring joy and piece. But the joy and peace that lives in us brings out an erotic desire that wants to come back again and AGIAN. God made us that way.
Coming back AGIAN and again it’s so close so intimate. We know a few couples that disclosed their sexual desires they have for each other. We are one of them. Truth be told. You will never have this if your only desire is to have your sexual needs met. It’s so gratifying to have sex as a tool to express our desire to be that close.