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I knew a guy who loved the chase. He was all about the chase.
When I hear Shania Twain’s song “Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under?”, I think of him.
I knew him well, back in the day when I was young and single. He was good looking. Dark hair. Deep eyes. Sexy personality. The whole bit.
I watched the way he wooed other women. It was an art to him. And he was good at it. Even armed with that kind of rolodex of information on him, I still willingly let him lead me to his bed. Horrible sexual decision on my part, and I knew it.
I’ve met very few people who don’t have some regrettable sexual behavior in their past, whether it be going too far or all the way or fringe sexual behavior or recalling too little after drinking too much. And that’s just the consensual sex you may have engaged in. Tragically, a sexual past also may include varying degrees of sexual abuse or assault inflicted upon you.
I hope someone has told you this, but if not, please hear my heart — your sexual past doesn’t define your sexual now. You are not damaged goods. You didn’t ruin it all. And someone else didn’t ruin it all for you.
God does not flinch in the face of your pain, heartache and regret about whatever it is that may have happened sexually in your past. Rather, He stands solid with His love, ready to bring you beyond not only any hot mess you may have created, but also the wrongs done against you.
I know too many people who let their sexual past hold captive their sexual now, refusing to accept that Jesus’ blood is sufficient for even this — this cringeworthy sexual experience woven into your days gone by.
But His blood is enough. If we can agree on anything, for the love of God, let us agree on this. There is no sin or pain beyond His reach. But we need to welcome that He is indeed reaching.
It’s the craziest thing, isn’t it, the way we try to hide what is actually already in plain sight to Him? Have you ever tried to downplay your sexual past to Him, knowing full well it was really your feeble attempt to downplay it to yourself?
The other night my husband and I made love and it was amazing. Indescribable pleasure, passion and oneness. I share that with you not because there’s anything special about my husband and me. Quite the opposite, in fact. What we experienced is simply God’s vision for married couples.
Study your Bible. Surrender skewed thoughts. Pray. Seek counseling. Tap into resources.
And if you don’t have a sexual past? Well, this may come as a shocker, but His wisdom for you would be EXACTLY THE SAME.
Study your Bible. Surrender skewed thoughts. Pray. Seek counseling. Tap into resources. Whatever it takes for you to align your perspective about sexual intimacy in marriage with His perspective about it, do it.
I am several years removed from my sexual indiscretions with Mr. I-Love-The-Chase. And several years removed from all the other indiscretions as well. No matter how much or how little time passes, though, God has already removed me even further. As far as the east is from the west, some would say.
Whatever you did sexually or was done to you before you were married may feel like a lifetime ago. But is it still affecting your life now? If so, is that okay with you?
Or do you want to slide your chair up to the table of “my sexual past doesn’t define my sexual now?”
I’m asking because I want for your marriage what I have come to savor in my own — sex that is not tethered to destructive burdens from the past. I want you to make love believing in God’s grace and provision for you and your spouse, rather than standing with your hand pressed on the windowpane, glancing at goodness you’re convinced is for someone else’s marriage.
What are you going to do today to no longer let your sexual now be defined by your sexual past?
Copyright 2019, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.