authentic, marriage problems, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
Don’t Let Your Sexual Past Define Your Sexual NOW
Aug
I knew a guy who loved the chase. He was all about the chase.
When I hear Shania Twain’s song “Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under?”, I think of him.
I knew him well, back in the day when I was young and single. He was good looking. Dark hair. Deep eyes. Sexy personality. The whole bit.
I watched the way he wooed other women. It was an art to him. And he was good at it. Even armed with that kind of rolodex of information on him, I still willingly let him lead me to his bed. Horrible sexual decision on my part, and I knew it.
Certainly wasn’t my first indiscretion. And it wouldn’t be my last.
I’ve met very few people who don’t have some regrettable sexual behavior in their past, whether it be going too far or all the way or fringe sexual behavior or recalling too little after drinking too much. And that’s just the consensual sex you may have engaged in. Tragically, a sexual past also may include varying degrees of sexual abuse or assault inflicted upon you.
I hope someone has told you this, but if not, please hear my heart — your sexual past doesn’t define your sexual now. You are not damaged goods. You didn’t ruin it all. And someone else didn’t ruin it all for you.
God does not flinch in the face of your pain, heartache and regret about whatever it is that may have happened sexually in your past. Rather, He stands solid with His love, ready to bring you beyond not only any hot mess you may have created, but also the wrongs done against you.
I know too many people who let their sexual past hold captive their sexual now, refusing to accept that Jesus’ blood is sufficient for even this — this cringeworthy sexual experience woven into your days gone by.
But His blood is enough. If we can agree on anything, for the love of God, let us agree on this. There is no sin or pain beyond His reach. But we need to welcome that He is indeed reaching.
It’s the craziest thing, isn’t it, the way we try to hide what is actually already in plain sight to Him? Have you ever tried to downplay your sexual past to Him, knowing full well it was really your feeble attempt to downplay it to yourself?
The other night my husband and I made love and it was amazing. Indescribable pleasure, passion and oneness. I share that with you not because there’s anything special about my husband and me. Quite the opposite, in fact. What we experienced is simply God’s vision for married couples.
See, here’s the thing. God is not ignorant of your sexual past. He is so aware of it that He continually and lovingly wants you to stop being tripped up by it.
Study your Bible. Surrender skewed thoughts. Pray. Seek counseling. Tap into resources.
And if you don’t have a sexual past? Well, this may come as a shocker, but His wisdom for you would be EXACTLY THE SAME.
Study your Bible. Surrender skewed thoughts. Pray. Seek counseling. Tap into resources. Whatever it takes for you to align your perspective about sexual intimacy in marriage with His perspective about it, do it.
I am several years removed from my sexual indiscretions with Mr. I-Love-The-Chase. And several years removed from all the other indiscretions as well. No matter how much or how little time passes, though, God has already removed me even further. As far as the east is from the west, some would say.
Whatever you did sexually or was done to you before you were married may feel like a lifetime ago. But is it still affecting your life now? If so, is that okay with you?
Or do you want to slide your chair up to the table of “my sexual past doesn’t define my sexual now?”
I’m asking because I want for your marriage what I have come to savor in my own — sex that is not tethered to destructive burdens from the past. I want you to make love believing in God’s grace and provision for you and your spouse, rather than standing with your hand pressed on the windowpane, glancing at goodness you’re convinced is for someone else’s marriage.
What are you going to do today to no longer let your sexual now be defined by your sexual past?
For more reading, cruise through my list of past posts. as well as my page with a bunch of posts on orgasm.
Copyright 2019, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
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I love what you say in this post so very much! Thank you for boldly proclaiming this truth.
I guess I didn’t have a sexual past. From my reading, I think it’s better in the long run to not have a sexual partner other than the one you marry. Maybe.
But the trap there is, as I think Julie has said, “You can’t know what you don’t know.”
People have no idea the struggles they will go through. My own fiance´e had no sexual experience, and cared not one whit about learning about sex after the wedding. How would I know she wouldn’t have a sex drive, if she was a virgin and wished (admirably so) to remain such until marriage?
I had a bit of experience in “necking” in cars, but that’s it.
Marriage was supposed to allow free sexual expression. Both people are then totally committed to fulfilling sex for each other in marriage. That’s the idea, right?
Nope. I think the gist of the idea in the post is to forgive yourself for premarital indiscretions. But the other side is, if you have no sexual experience, “buyer beware.”
I know it’s not a car or a house, but would you buy either without “inspection” and driving the auto? And you can trade a car or sell a house. Not so with a person.
You walk down the aisle and say, “Till death do us part.” How sad that you may be in a crap shoot as far as sex is concerned, because you can’t know what that person thinks, not really.
They can really love you, but just not care anything about sex. And you can’t make a person care about sex any more than you can make a person love classic cars or baseball or pepperoni pizza.
The problem is, I can go look at cars, watch baseball, and order my own pizza. Sex? Inside my marriage vows? When the other person doesn’t care?
Marriage is THE big life decision. How sad that we have to make it with no real understanding of what the other person is really like–or what they will ultimately care about.
Then you are tethered to that person’s low to no sex drive, and there is absolutely NOTHING to be done.
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My wife has gotten over her promiscuous past – I have not. She lied about her past for years. Claimed to have had one partner before we met. Years after we married I learned that she had been VERY promiscuous before we met – and every chance she could while we were dating/engaged. If we had a fight on a Thursday night, she felt justified in going out Friday night, and getting back with me on Saturday. When I learned the truth I was shattered. It still hurts. I try not to think about it, but it is often on my mind when we are intimate. I have forgiven her – but I have not been able to forget.
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