marriage problems, sexual intimacy struggles, Uncategorized
Staying in a Sexless Marriage? 3 Ways to Cope.
Apr
Often I hear from people who are in sexless marriages.
I’m not talking about a lack of sex because of injury or illness or physical separation because of military deployment or long-term work commitments.
Nope.
I’m talking about marriages where sex could be happening, but one spouse has arbitrarily taken sex out of the equation.
Scratched it from the menu. Nada. Zilch.
Nothing even resembling sexual intimacy is happening and hasn’t been happening for possibly years. AND the spouse throwing up all the roadblocks is also refusing to address the struggle.
Faced with this scenario, the spouse who desires sexual intimacy may wonder if they should leave. That pondering is what compelled me to write the post Sexless Marriage? 10 Questions to Ask Before You Leave.
But what if you decide to stay?
I’m going to share 3 ways to cope, and I am hoping other readers in this situation will chime in as well in the comment section.
3 Ways to Cope in a Sexless Marriage
1. Lean on God.
THIS sounds so cliche, I know. And maybe the last thing you want to hear is to draw near to God, especially if you have been begging and pleading with Him to stir change in the heart of your sexually refusing spouse.
But no one more than God understands the depth of your pain and heartache. No one. Yes, friends can offer empathy and sympathy, but even your closest friends cannot comprehend your pain the way God can.
I’m not being naive, but rather am trying to speak into your discouragement. When we dig into God’s Word and draw close to Him in prayer, we find He is safe haven. He does long to sustain us when we are at our deepest points of loss, anger, discouragement and confusion.
I know this not only from personal experience when I have experienced pain in my life, but also from studying His Word. Compassion is His gig. His calling card. His wheelhouse.
There is so much raw transparency in the below Abraham Lincoln quote, it’s astonishing how much it drips with truth:
“I have been driven many times upon my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had no where else to go.”
So. You can resist Him, ignore Him or banish Him to the outskirts of your heartache. But He will still pursue you and long for you. He loves you that much and cares that deeply about what most traumatizes you and grieves you.
2. Exercise and/or Develop a Hobby
Not too excited about lifting weights or running or doing some kind of cardiovascular exercise program? Good news! You don’t have to be a cross fit expert or a regular gym attender or an Amerian Ninja Warrior.
You can simply get out and walk or hike more often. Or take up swimming at the local YMCA. Or reacquaint yourself with a sport you liked when you were younger, like tennis or golf.
Same goes for hobbies. There is a subculture for everything, I’m convinced. Want to get into model trains. There’s a club for that. Want to learn chess. There’s a club for that. Want to start knitting or flying model airplanes or painting or cooking gourmet meals. There’s a club for that.
Sometimes when we exercise and/or immerse ourselves in a hobby, we find less energy or time to ruminate about our unmet sexual needs and desires.
3. Volunteer
A great way to cope with our own pain is by shifting our focus to how we can help someone else. Within every community are opportunities to get involved.
Volunteering can mean anything from hands-on helping (doing repairs, serving food, building homes, delivering items for a charity, cleaning) to offering your giftedness with things like administration, accounting, mentoring, coaching, or teaching a Bible study.
What usually works best is to find a couple volunteer activities to do with other people. Not only is this a way to build camaraderie with other generous folk, but it also broadens your perspective by hearing other people’s life experiences and stories.
What about masturbation?
By this point in the post, some of you may be surprised I did not mention masturbation as a way to cope. Only you can decide if masturbation is helpful in your particular circumstances. I’ve written about masturbation before and I personally don’t think it has to always be off limits.
But in a sexless marriage, I doubt it is effective as a sole way to cope. If anything, I wonder if it would breed more resentment and discouragement about the lack of oneness with your spouse.
Also, some people (particularly men) find it difficult or impossible to masturbate without the use of pornography or fantasizing about someone other than their spouse. So those are red flags that the masturbation is wrapped up in sinful activity that is damaging short-term and long-term.
For as simple as the act of masturbation is, it can be entangled with emotional and spiritual sensitivities and confusion. This dynamic may be most prevalent in a sexless marriage where masturbation is being used as a coping mechanism. You have to use discernment, press into God’s Word and heart and determine if masturbation is going to help or hurt your circumstances.
Even if you decide masturbation is helpful in your sexless marriage, I wouldn’t rule out incorporating the above coping strategies as well. You may find if you spend more time on those, your desires for masturbation subside.
What other coping strategies would you offer?
If you have ideas, please share them in the comment section. I do moderate my comments because of the amount of spam I get, so be patient if your comment doesn’t appear immediately.
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I personally use hobbies as my coping mechanism. I also invest a lot of time with the grandkids and kids. I think that I was born to be a Grandpa!!
Get some marriage therapy. Sexless marriage might be a sign there is a childhood trauma history. Read “The Body Keeps the Score” (https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748) and join a support group:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/199011487308454/
Take antidepressants if you are bothered by sexless marriage and it will more than likely kill off your desire too! The rejection and abandonment may sometimes be difficult to endure. May be a plausible solution alongside the others mentioned in article.
So much pain…
All good points. A couple comments.
To your first point. It is cliche but it’s also very true. We do ultimately need to find our value in our Savior…not our spouse or marriage. However, Scripture tells us that the closest thing to knowing and experiencing just a taste of what the fullness of a relationship with God is like is in marriage. So with a spouse that completely avoids and deny’s that intimacy equates to a life of never having the opportunity to taste that taste. Very hard pill to swallow.
To your second point. Relationships are always doing one of two things. Growing closer together or moving further apart. If I decide to start putting my energy into a hobby or my work I am consciously making the decision to pull back and start moving apart. That can’t be good.
Just some thoughts.
At our worst, my wife & I had sex a few times a year for about 10-15 years. We still showed love & friendship but we fought a lot. A lot of hurt. The leaning on God was what turned it around. Being willing to see your situation from a Jesus, Joseph, or Daniel perspective is hard when you just want sex. But, it changed our lives. Learning to serve, I think, is what God wants us to learn. I think it’s why he allowed it to happen. That I would repent & disciple with Him.
Jesus address leaving a marriage when there is adultery & if the your spouse doesn’t allow your Christianity. The former is explicit, you can remarry. The latter is understood remarriage is allowed because you are not bound to that person. Yet, these are exceptions to the rule. Let no man tear apart a marriage. That is God’s intention. Faith can move mountains.
More than sex God wants a right relationship. When we get right with Him we seem to be able to handle every storm & flood. It’s an amazing thing to see how God can save.
my husband masterbates or wants a blow job. this has been going on for years. at least a decade. I stopped trying to explain to him how I feel about that but he doesn’t get it. how can I help him understand?
I can see a potential pitfall with the second and third strategies. Living with a spouse who has refused intimacy, when you take on outside interests, you run the risk of developing emotional intimacy with someone who shares your interests. This can be especially true in volunteering.
If there is a way of including your spouse in your hobbies and charity work, that would be better. If not, be very cautious. This can be a path to infidelity – we are still called to faithfulness, even when our spouse is pushing us away.
This is such a difficult situation. Many times the person rejecting thinks that it’s just about urges and doesn’t do emotional harm but that it almost always untrue. Thank you for this article and your concern for those in this situation.
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Another issue is the whole idea that one has been duped into a commitment–made for life–by a person who never intended to be physically intimate, other than just enough to make it look authentic. Maybe this spouse wanted a family, social acceptance (look, I’m married!), and financial security. Marriage brings many of these things.
Marrying the wrong person isn’t like buying a car, a house, or even picking the wrong career. You now have commitments–possibly even children, who will be devastated by a divorce. So, it is up to the spouse who thought he / she was going to find joy in marriage to be strong, to pray, to exercise, to do anything to get his / her mind off the idea of not having regular physical intimacy.
Those suggestions are good, because they don’t suggest divorce, thus leaving the door open for growth and change in the marriage. But it is a tall order for someone who possibly waited for marriage, and is now supposed to continue to wait.
What a broken institution marriage is! Over 50% of marriages end in divorce. And how many of those still in marriages, are in sexless ones?
But the suggestions Julie gives are good ones. It leads to a position of strength. Prayer helps in our faith. Exercise tones the body, and hobbies and volunteerism keep the mind shop and keep us involved with other people.
What then? If you put up with this for years–and I don’t know how many years the limit is, you will probably just accept it and your body will shut down sexually. But, if after a time, you decide to act, you can act from a position of strength–healthy, outgoing, involved, and probably very attractive to someone else. Maybe your spouse will see this, and think, “Wow, that is a person I want to keep.” Then maybe you go to counseling, at which point during one of the sessions, you have to say, “Hey, I’ve endured this, but I don’t know how much longer I can. I have choices, and I will act on them.” That way, everyone knows what’s at stake.
Just don’t remarry the same kind of person!
Sometimes stuff backfires. My wife and I started working out a few years ago. She hated it and quit after a few months. I kept on for well over a year and lost 35 pounds. At 55 years old I was 6′ tall, 185 pounds and in the best shape since High School. She was unimpressed to say the least and eventually told me I was maybe spending too much time exercising and not enough time working. I’m back over 200 and still sexually frustrated
Hey Erik, that’s not a backfire. It’s a “I don’t care.” I’d say go back to 185, make her go to counseling, and see if it works. If it doesn’t? Well, you do have choices, more choices at 185 than at 200+.
Classic 2 choice dilemmas. The refuser wants 2 choices, theirs and yours. My advice would be to focus on personal growth and getting to a point where sense of self is solid.
Then lay out what is and isn’t acceptable to you in marriage. Then see what the decision of your spouse is.
A refusing spouse isn’t being faithful.
I believe there are a lot of reasons behind a sexless marriage. For me, it is important that they seek marriage counselling. There might be something bothering so there is a barrier.
One thing comes to my mind when I indulge in self pity .. “Man shall not live by bread (in this case sex) alone “ . That kind of sobers me up.
We need to start treating sexual refusal the way we treat porn addiction, i.e.:
Husbands who use porn are called sinful betrayers in need of accountability.Husbands who use porn are told they are cheating on their wives. Wives are told they are not to blame for their husband’s porn use. The church supports wives who use their husband’s porn use as a justification for divorce.
I find it interesting, however, that the most common response to one spouse depriving their spouse of sex is to advocate marriage counseling to try to find out the deep emotional reasons why one spouse doesn’t want sex.
But with porn use, the first response is to cast aspersions, suggest punitive responses, and exculpate the non-porn using spouse from any and all responsibility.
Marriage is hopeless
After 42 years, I have learned my partner is broken at some very deep level. I waited until marriage and put all my sexual eggs in the one basket approved by Christ. At counseling I was told frankly to appreciate the good things and ignore the bad. That being said, depriving your partner of his or her needs is handing the keys of your marriage to the bad guy. Be aware of his lies. Run back to Jesus when you fail.
Like the post said, He is the only one that truly understands. And He cares so much. But His ways are not mine, obviously. Given that by this time nothing is going to fix it, I have taken up exercise….hiking…and always alone. Not with the women from the hiking club…
I find a good rule one from a mission trip. Never be alone in a room with a person of the opposite sex.
Alongside with affiance sex also plays a crucial role in couple’s life. I personally think that it is a real, real problem. To solve it it is necessary to discover the root of it. Why is it so? What factors are in the game? Help of a physiologist is a must. Both are responsible for this issue. And to overcome such a problem both of them have to put all their efforts.
A question: If your wife has made it clear that sex is no longer part of the marriage, and has maintained her decision for a long time, (9 years now) how is it not a sexual sin? The bible is very clear that couples should not refuse each other, except by mutual consent for short periods.
As was mentioned earlier, sexual refusal gives the enemy a foothold. Even if if you can “take the edge off” through exercise, hobbies, making friends outside of the marriage, etc, it’s still a huge void. It’s not just the sex itself, but the the physical contact, the pleasure of holding and being held in the closest possible way. If it was just the orgasm, a little “DIY” would solve the problem.
I struggle every day with covetousness, envying other men who have normal relationships with their wife. I struggle with lust of the eye, even in church. I have already had to leave one hiking meetup group because of a mutual attraction. It’s just so frustrating and confusing, and angrifying. She is ridiculously arrogant about it also, having the nerve to get angry with me for not just accepting the situation.
Married 24 years and 4 years no sex. It’s a tough road. She said she wasn’t interested anymore and that’s that. No reason at all. Not even hugs, kisses, i love yous, nothing. I’m i great shape, have a very good job, make great money and am outgoing. She wants to stay home and watch Netflix. This situation is terrible. I was always faithful until she cut me off. During these 4 years I’ve battled depression, alcohol, pornography, resentment, anger, affairs, you name it. Her lack of intimacy has resulted in me sinning. It’s my fault for the sin but she sure left me wide open to the temptation. Abandoning your husband is crippling and cruel. The church needs to address this problem. The man isn’t always the bad guy. Wives should show love to their husbands. I’ve given her security, a nice home, family, love, cars, vacations, clothes, everything. What are we supposed to do? Even though I’m back on the straight path I feel like my life is a waste and I’m missing out in the love a marriage should have. 2 more years and my youngest is out. Bible says i can’t divorce though. How do you cope? It shouldn’t be this way. Help.
Staying in a marriage by providing frequent, unwanted, unsatisfying sex? How does one cope?
I feel trapped. It’s as if I have no liberty to be myself. My feelings don’t matter. Keeping the one who needs sex satisfied, is the true meaning of marriage. I guess. My body is no longer my own. I don’t matter.
Sex matters.
Brian H,
The bible doesn’t prohibit divorce. God hates it but it is not a sin. I am in a remarkably similar situation to you, i am considering bailing. Sex is the least of our problems and I’ve tried everything.
Brian H
Wow just to think you have it all and this has happened to you. In same situation myself. I am so discouraged, but mine has med issues. It sounds like a loveless marriage, not a sexless marriage. May need to reinvent the situation as I do.
I waited for marriage. We agreed to not be physical until after the wedding. It’s going on four years and still nothing. At one time he said didn’t think he could get an erection – but he never tries! He won’t let me help him or touch him. Then we decided it could be medical so his doc changed some of his meds. Still he won’t try so who knows if that was the answer or not? I’ve explained that it isn’t just the physical act of sex that is missing. We are lacking true intimacy in our marriage including spiritually. Most cases it seems it’s the woman withholding sex from the man but mine is the opposite. He says it’s nothing about me. He just doesn’t want to. I feel so cheated! I feel fat and ugly and stupid and any other adjective to describe an undesirable woman. The fact is that I am beautiful, God loving, intelligent, and sexy. I feel myself dying a little more every day…he claims to love me but here we are in a sexless marriage. As far as I’m concerned, it is a loveless marriage, to, because his words of love are just empty words. Has anyone on here heard of Sexual Anorexia? A counselor suggested that may be my husband’s problem.
Another point I want to make. I haven’t heard anyone express anger. Aren’t you angry at your situation? Aren’t you angry at your spouse? I tell you I’m as mad as hell!!
sharon hamm give your husband manual or oral sex when he asks for it. That is part of being married, you are his sole sexual partner. The marriage covenant trumps whatever you are “feeling.” If your feelings are leading you to deprive your husband of sexual fulfillment then your feelings are wrong, not your husbands requests. If you don’t feel like it then you need to figure out why you believe you don’t need to follow God’s written word. Feelings are real, but they are produced by your heart and mind; if you believe you are entitled to deprive your husband then you are sinning. Oral sex is encouraged in the Song of Solomon. It is never spoken of in a negative way in the Bible, but the Bible has much to say about a spouse refusing to physically love their partner.
Connie
I suspect almost everyone who is in a sexless marriage that is not of their choosing is angry, resentful, frustrated, etc. I also suspect the reason you aren’t hearing the anger expressed here is because many of those who are refused are men. A man is not allowed to show anger about this subject because then he becomes the villain and his wife becomes his victim. Then the subject becomes his anger rather than her withholding. Furthermore, her withholding is now justified by his anger. After getting smacked down enough times a man will hide his anger, no matter how hurt, powerless, betrayed, defrauded, and ripped off he feels because it only makes his situation worse. Marriage is a trap. Paul tried to warn us.
It has been eight months now for me. My marriage, over the years, has progressively started becoming more and more sexless. Everything else seems to work well but sex. Last night, my husband started touching me in a very sexual way. I just knew we would finally break the dry spell. We went to bed, he cuddled up behind me, grabbed a little, started rubbing my back and then fell asleep. I’ve spent most of today crying. I am very fit and other men show interest. I’m at a total loss. I gave up trying to make the first move because the harsh way that he rejects me is too much for me to take. He absolutely does not like to talk about it. It almost feels like a cruel game. Like I’m married to a sadistic, evil man and, yes, I too feel extremely angry. It’s not just men. It’s NOT just men.
Persons in sexless marriages have every right to be furious about it. Years can pass. You talk., you beg ( very demeaning) , you go to ALL THE COUNSELORS ( generally bullshit) and you finally realize THIS AINT HAPPENING!
The result:
1-masturbation ( not very fulfilling)
2-go outside your marriage. Very dangerous but fulfilling.
3-That is it. Those are your only real choices.
So, the spouse that brought this upon themselves can go “deal with it.”
He or she “rollled out the red carpet “arrogantly. They earned it.
:Rich
@Connie,
I’ve experienced so much anger that I’ve gone past anger into numb.
John is entirely right that almost every time if a man actually surfaces sexless marriage as a REAL problem he is the one labeled as selfish.
He’s cast as “childish” because there are “other ways to express love, after all.” Or it’s said disparagingly that he’s only interested in pleasure “down there.”
Men who emotionally deprive their wives of needed human conversation are labeled as “monsters.” But women who deprive their husbands of physical companionship and human affection are labeled as the mature ones with husbands that are animals. You can be assured that discriminatory interpretation layered on men is absolutely horrid even in churches it’s extremely extremely hard for a man to be treated in a fair and Biblical way.
I see the problem that women who are deprived of human affection can also experience their needs being disqualified, probably often because of the stereotypes that women don’t care about physical companionship.
I’m sorry. I’m in a similar boat and nothing has fixed it. I have diabetes now, I’m slowing being destroyed by that, my spouse tells me lovelessly that medical care is my problem.
I really wonder about divorce being Biblically and spiritually valid because my spouse has abandoned me EXCEPT for living under the same roof and using my money. I don’t want God to divorce me so I keep going, but nothing has gotten better “so far” and there is crazy wreckage.
I’m in the same boat. Married 14 years, no intimacy in eight months. It’s all about her feelings, always. Doesn’t want to, too tired, etc. Always a point-blank refusal. The marriage works well on a practical level, and we’re great parents to great boys; I know that if nothing were done by me from this day forward I’d never have sex again, and that’s not acceptable in any marriage, let alone a Christian one. I’ll stay where I am for the sake of the children, but after that…hopefully I’ll be too old to be bothered by then (I’m 49).
I’m the one who caused our sexless marriage! Married 53 years and hadn’t had intimacy or sex in about 40 years. To be honest I have enjoyed every minute of it.Never had sex before marriage and when we got married and did it was uneventful. I wasn’t to impressed like that’s it and that’s all, what a waste of time maybe 5 minutes. I only had sex to keep the wife happy, I got bored and wanted to do it different ways. Feathers got ruffled and I was told she only wanted it one way and no lights. I didn’t put up with that for long and told her I’ve decided to sleep in the basement and also do not bother me.I hated limitations on sex so I set my limitation nothing at all. I also volunteered at work, to work mid nights and that I would work all weekends, holidays, and I didn’t intend to take any vacation time off. As I said before that was almost 40 years ago and I’ve been happy! As for what my wife did I don’t know and I didn’t care what she did. I masterbuated for years till I couldn’t get up any more.
Look at any list of womans expectations in a marriage and then compare them to a mans. surprise! Different list. “…For better or for worse, in sickness and health, till death do us part.” Remember that ladies? “I dont feel like it” Hmmm sickness and worse… Vows said you’ll push through. Hypocrits for certain. I rarely find men who give up but they are out there. Sadly its almost always the women, its always a reason that isnt good enough and its ALWAYS accepted by society as a good enough reason anyway. My opinion? You ask your husband to do things that he’d rather have a stick in his eye but does it. Maybe you should srart doing the same: it satisfies you when he completes the task. Well, so does he. Dont be SELFISH.
My spouse has called ours a sexless marriage. And I have to be honest and sound totally naive. I went into marriage not realize how big of a deal sex would be. I don’t dislike it but I don’t think much about it or desire it. If he takes time with me I can easily be persuaded and have only refused for health reasons. He secretly masturbates besides me when he thinks I’m asleep even though he never acted like he wanted to be with me and hadn’t tried connecting with me in days. I feel like I’m just here to fulfill a need that he seems to do for himself just fine. I’m not a touchy feely person at all…nor do I initiate. I need to suck it up and get over myself? Yes probably I do agree. We have done some counseling. He’s done lots of book reading on it. And I am here hoping to get past this hurdle somehow. Regardless I feel alone in marriage and have zero desire for my husband and zero physical attraction to him. 🙁
I am a woman in a sexless marriage. I have been married 20 years. We had sex at first and then it just stopped. Once every 5 or 6 years if I am lucky. I have tried to initiate it but after the ‘once’ short event it reverts to normal. All he seems interested in is his mates and music. Well its at the point where I don’t even find him attractive anymore or even want him. I will not get divorced but he is the cause if me now being driven to other means. Now I am middle aged I guess I need to feel loved. I have resorted to MB in the last few weeks and I feel dirty. I am so tempted to have an affair and hope God will forgive me. My husband has driven me into sin and I am talking to God about it. I have lots if hobbies but they do not replace sex, obviously. How can they. I feel rejected and a failure.
Anon I totally get this . I feel so rejected and not attractive . Rejection is hard and I have a difficult time and I have pity parties frequently. I question maybe he isn’t attracted to me or something . I do lean of God But I find myself beating myself down wondering what is wrong with me:(
@Suzy
I see that your question was ignored. If you are forced to have sex, it sounds like you could be in an abusive relationship. In that case, you should seek outside help. If it is not abusive and you just don’t want to have a sexual relationship with your husband, then why did you get married? In that case, he probably doesn’t know that you just wanted a roommate. You need to tell him that so that he knows the truth about the relationship. Otherwise it is not fair to him.
Your article is ridiculous, illogical and not practical. #1 leaning on God is not only a cliche, it also a way to guilt trip people a marriage a spouse that is disobeying god by denying their sex. #2 exercise or get a hobby. Neither on of the two things are a substitute for sex. The two things are done are by one person. Sex is done by two and is act intimacy between two people. So exercising or developing a hobby does not work. #3 volunteering is a recipe for adulterous affair. Trust the person in a sexless will find someone in the same situation they develop a relation that will lead to sexual affair.
I find it amazing a person that is in a marriage that has a good sex life is giving advice to people in a sexless marriage. That is like getting marital advice from someone that has never been married. Because neither one Of examples I give has no clue what a person in a sexless is going through. What you are giving is pop Christian happy sappy psychology.
Your advice is illogical, ridiculous, and not practical in real life. Here are the problems with your 3 ways to survive a sexless marriage. #1 Leaning on god. First that is a cliche. Leaning on is advice is good for many problems for people having problems in life. But a person In a sexless is not one them. A person can a personal intimate relationship with god but when it comes to sex in a marriage it is a different can of intimacy. The intimate relationship with god is father and child intimacy. A sexual intimate relationship with god is disgusting, illogical and unbiblical. #2 get a hobby is really poor and impractical advice Hobbies are the majority of the times is something done by one person. It is not a good coping device and is not a substitute for an intimate sexual relationship between two people. If the hobby is a group activity there is a good chance the spouse in a sexless will find a person in the situation Will form a relationship and friendship. Majority of the time the relationship will lead to sex and a adulterous affair. #3 Volunteering has the same problem as getting involve in a group hobby. Volunteering is the majority of times a group activity. The person in a sexless will Again meet someone in the same situation will becomes friend that will lead to sex and a adulterous affair. Adulterous affairs destroys marriages because trust is destroyed and the majority of times the spouses will fall in with the person theY are having an adulterous affair with, which again the majority of times lead to a divorce. Again your happy sappy pop psychology advice is useless, illogical and not practical. When one spouse is denying sex to other spouse is sinning and indirectly abandoning the marriage which also sin. The couple where one spouse is denying the spouse need to see a a marital counselor. If the spouse denying the other spouse sex will not change than the choice for the spouse That is being sex is divorce.
I’m in the same predicament; no sex, but an otherwise happy marriage. There are other needs that I have, but when I ask for them, I get, “We’ll see.” In my opinion, that is not how a spouse should answer his/her spouse when he/she asks for something. It causes me to shut down, and I simply don’t ask anymore. I’m doing my level best to accept the fact that there are certain things I have to live without. It isn’t easy, but I manage. After all, I signed up for the trip and made a promise to love her and be true to her for the rest of my life. One day at a time.
Lean on God is the only one that has a chance of helping. The rest is distraction. I lean on God and have been de-focusing my sexual desire. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. I have went through many stages and still struggle with viewing sexuality and marriage in a positive light.
I am essentially have stopped thinking about sex. I have no expectations. It is strange, because I am the point now as to when I think about sex, it seems strange or odd.
In a way, it is freeing. I no longer have to figure out what I am doing wrong or right regarding affection and intimacy. I have quit the game.
You people are amazing with your advice how to be happy in a sexless marriage. There is no doubt in my mind this worthless advice comes from a person in a happy sexual marriage. You have no clue what it is like being in a sexless marriage. Let’s take a realtisc look at your worthless solution of being happy in a sexless marriage.
#1 Lean on God that is total cliche and extremely naive. I love happy sappy christians like yours who say leaning on God solves everything. No it does not, A person in a sexless marriage do not feel love from their spouse that do not want have sex or will not sex with the other spouse. Physical love (eros) is extremely important in a marriage, a sexless marriage is doom and and leads to divorce. Leaning on God in bad times is good, leaning on God in a sexless is naive, illogical and a stupid happy sappy cliche.
#2 Exercise and/or develop a hobby has to be the ridiculous, stupid and illogical advice I have ever heard of. Exercise and hobbies do not take away the need for humans to have sex. Comparing sex to exercising and a hobby is like comparing apples to oranges.
#3 Volunteering that is ridiculous, illogical and extremely stupid advice. Volunteering does nothing to take away that people need for sexual love in their marriage. it is also extremely bad advise that hurts the person in a sexless marriage. Why? Because the person in a sexless marriage interact with couples by volunteering in a good sexual healthy marriage cause the person a sexless to feels more depress, hurt and angry at their spouse who is does to have want to have sex or denies their spouse sex.
#4 Your statement in about you states you are neither a Doctor or a counselor give which you no right go talk counseling people with deep psychological problems. Being a christian and having a passion for something is a ridiculous, illogical and wrong because you do not have the training to help people with deep psychological problems. Not only it is wrong it can extremely damaging and dangerous to people with deep psychological problems.
#5 if your truly wish to help people get Master Degree in psychology than you can give proper advice to people in need.
#6 I know what I am talking about because I have 2nd degree liberals art degree Social Psychology, I did get my Master degree because my first degree is a master in electronic engineering which pays more money than being a therapist.
lastly #7 stop giving psychological advice when you literally know nothing about real psychology.
Reading most of this is incredible. Sex is say 15% of the marriage, but so important!
Why this is the absolute closest you can get to your husband/ wife. The internal bonding as one, then the organization which releases so many different chemicals, plus how healthy it is.
I could go on and on, but you need to think back at your first? Did it make you feel close? Howard got so whipped on their first?
Then 10 -30 years later you look back (as being the one who is in a sexless marriage). How happy you were, the connection? The want, need and desire…Can’t wait to go home for a hug? Kiss ? Etc… You create kids your ultimate joy, to see what you created together, which is the ultimate treasure.
Continuing to think, what did I do wrong? When and how did it stop? You try to communicate with your spouse about it, and an oral argument occurs…..Then they say fine let’s do it! You are so mad, as it happens over and over again, you have no desire as it’s now a chore, you never would want to force your soulmate ( you thought).
You have communicated, sent articles, went go counseling but it always comes back “nothing”.
This is your BFF you have watched each other groe? Taught each other life? Love? Gone through the worst with family deaths? To the happiest moments having children. You just want to feel love again, see that beautiful wife under or on top of one another in your B-day suits. You used to shower and bath together, shave one another etc. Grooming each other was another intimate behavior…
You are now laying in bed at 3am, feel so alone, and you have a woman sleeping by your side. You have asked is it me, is their another? They say no, we have other priorities now. Plus you don’t help around the house. Yet you ask, what can I do, an get a blank stare. You sweat your rear off all weekend long repairing the house and extras, but not enough. You know an excuse..But can’t get it out of her.
I feel my body no longer working like I used to, afraid even if you wanted it may not work.. you know you have been hurt, don’t look like you did 21 years ago. Feel helpless.
You tell her you don’t want a divorce, your love is so strong for her, but you are hurting so bad with approx 5 years of rejection. Reminding how I couldn’t keep up. Then to go to zero? You are so attracted to your wife, she is beautiful inside and out. Yet why????
* a good friend of the opposite sex you go for an opinion, she tells you that is something she knew she could never give up because of that connection (and she is a doctor), but 5 love languages tells alot. Mine of course you can figure out, hers is doing. I do and do, but nothing.
Now the Doctor has learned her husband is cheating on her, and going through a divorce. You always had high regard towards her, maybe something could happen? But you are so embarrassed you couldn’t satisfy. You have been in a sexless marriage for so long a viagra or 2 maybe the only thing to wake up your connection. But what will she think? You which you could have your cake and eat it to, knowing you could in time satisfy both, but this is not the American way…
So many curve balls in life? And this just. 01 of my life..
I’m just so screwed, as my daughter is just a teenager, and don’t want to loose the whole family. You keep asking yourself why why why, and research trying different was but same excuse… you look at her patents and see her father had several affairs behind her mother’s back, and for all the same reasons. Yet stayed married, and ignored the gossip. Is this just hereditary? Why me? I’m too old to play these stupid games..
You try to over come learning A Course In Miracles…
Only time will tell…I have vented, any ideas besides divorce and counseling, cause that doesn’t work.
Stumbled upon this out of a desperate search for answers. Sex has never been a priority and any attempt to express my feelings has resulted in a fight where it’s my fault for wanting more than what was willing to be given. And now “ the change” has set in and it’s even less than before, which is understandable as even I can feel the difference. So now as a Believer I look back on my life and see that saving myself only for one person has imprisoned me to a life without anything.
We are supposed to wait until marriage. But what if marriage results in a trap where a spouses low libido and insecurities combine into a situation where it is actually worse than being unmarried? At least then I could get married to another. Now I’m stuck. And I’m not leaving. Age is coming on and abandonment is a inconsiderate move when everything else is good. But this is tearing me apart. It has been for years. Ignoring this is impossible.
Porn as a bad move? It’s a RELEASE VALVE. It’s all I have. Before menopause it was maybe a rationale but now it’s a necessity as I see what little happened in the past is now gone for good.
To make it all worse, my spouse is the most godly person I know. And I have killed myself to provide for our family. But now what? I can literally walk through our bedroom with an erection and no response.
Do I want an affair? Yes. Do I want the baggage? Nope. Do I want to insult my God? Absolutely not. Also, what if I brought an STD home? That isn’t fair to her. But none of this is fair to me either. Paul addressed it but he didn’t address the trap of being in a one-way commitment where there is no escape. I have become callous in everything to do with sex. What good is it if it can’t be with someone you love? How do you live with someone who loves you truly but never understood how they so negatively impacted your love for them? This may be the area where non-Christians get it right. I have been faithful for what reason? I don’t believe I married the wrong person but I do believe that everything else is more important than the bed. And that creates distance that shouldn’t be there. A distance that produces nothing good or holy.
My wife and I have a very happy marriage, though it’s sexless but not completely. We have two kids, now grown, and we used to be pretty active when it came to intimacy. We’re both just in our fifties and healthy now, but a few years ago I began taking medications that, over time, pretty much ended my sexual ability. And then menopause for my wife. We enjoy a bit of harmless role playing and suggestive talk (nothing abusive) to heat up the bedroom. For us, it works. I’ve discussed trying different medicines with my doctor but these currently are effective and some of the alternatives carry other side effects. Actually we are very happy.
I’m in a sexless marriage. Married 27 years, sexless for 17. Youngest has 1 more year. I’m not going to break my vow but will move into another room and continue my own life. She has childhood trauma with a adult male. Basically hates men. Been rejected for so many years I just gave up. Every now and then I buy cards and flowers but she is not impressed. I leave her notes when she leaves for work. It does not change things. She was interested last year but she was drinking at the time. Hygiene is not the issue. Women notice and flirt with me all the time. The opportunity is there but I cannot do to my family what my father did to us. I cope by working 60 hours a week, make great money and provide. Even schedule weekend spa getaways monthly only to masterbate after being rejected. I’ve accepted I’m stuck. It sucks.
This is a very difficult topic. When I refer to “sexless” I mean because one party no longer wants sex. Is a sexless marriage a marriage at all? If not, what is it? Curiously we hear a lot about about “infidelity” but not fidelity. What is fidelity? Surely it is more than just the absence of infidelity. Is a marriage partner who refuses to have sexual intimacy being faithful? Maybe the answer is no. Is that a ground for divorce? I don’t know.