intimacy, marriage problems, sexual intimacy, sexual intimacy struggles, Uncategorized
As a Wife, Do You Want More Sex Than Your Husband?
Feb
Occasionally, I have readers lament that I ignore women who are the higher-drive spouse in a marriage.
It’s never my heart to marginalize anyone, so I wanted to take the opportunity to share that I do have a page on my site with about 20 blog posts specifically on the topic of wives who want more sex.
Some of the posts I wrote, but there are also several posts from other writers I respect.
This page is a GREAT resource. Seriously, it is.
On the page you will find so many ideas and insights and encouragements for those wives who hunger for and desire more intimacy with their husbands, and often find themselves feeling terribly alone in the process.
Check out the page and be sure to share it as well. You never know the marriage you could be helping!
Wives Who Want More Sex and Aren’t Getting It
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Copyright 2016, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes! I am a wife who wants more sex. And it is an incredibly painful place to be.
Julie, you are one of the few bloggers who does a decent job of discussing this.
I think so many higher drive women feel marginalized because so much of the online world writes as though all men want sex with their wives constantly, and wives are the ones who often refuse. Since so few people talk about it, it is very easy to feel alone. You’ve even had men comment on your blog who think this cannot possibly be true, and even accuse higher drive wives of making it up. Someone once even said that women like that cannot possibly exist. Well we are real, and we hurt, too.
Imagine how easy it is to feel there must be something wrong with you when you read about how much other men crave their wives, while yours seems indifferent. It sometimes makes me feel as though all other wives are beautiful, and sweet, and precious to their husband – whereas for some reason my husband could not care less about me. This is not the truth, I do believe he loves me, but his low sex drive makes it FEEL as though I am meaningless (or at the very least hideously unattractive) to him. That, coupled with the hundreds of posts of why husbands crave their wives so much – when yours doesn’t – is incredibly painful and yes, can make you feel marginalized. I think it’s a pain no wife can understand unless she has lived it.
Thank you for including us as part of your community!
B, I get that there are wife’s like you out there and I know what you are feeling. Regardless whether you’re a man or a woman, not being pursued and desired by your spouse is very painful regardless of your gender. I am the husband in a marriage where my wife says it’s important with her WORDS but her actions don’t even come close to backing it up. For me, the quantity is an issue but it’s more so the lack of enthusiasm or involvement when we are intimate. Like it some duty to check off the list like changing the cat litter. Makes me feel very unattractive
@B, I am so sorry to know that this is your situation. I know that there are women like you, and I think it is a horrible tragedy.
Frankly, it is horrible to know that there are sweet women who are being cheated out of sex by ignorant husbands. I am so sorry.
B,
You are not alone. I am in the same boat as you. Unfortunately things like diabetes, low drive, low testosterone, and infidelity have been huge marital obstacles. I have forgiven him for his infidelity, it was many years ago, but it still stings a tiny bit at times. I sometimes, like yourself, feel undesired by my husband or when he is in the mood he seems to care more about his own satisfaction than mine, but sometimes he is less selfish and more giving than others. I understand how you feel. I will pray for us higher drive spouses and our lower driven husbands. I do believe in the power of prayer.
Way too much focus on sex. If you look at all these comments I see the words I and ME more than anything. Self focus. All this stress, fighting and cheating for a 3 minute high.
I’m in my 50’s now and battle with low T. None of the various drugs have worked for years and just give me really bad headaches. I’ve never been a high drive person an when younger thought once a week was a lot.
At some point you just need to realize your are getting old and the body changes. it’s natural and it’s real and it’s simply the way it is. It is not natural to keep pumping drugs into your body so you can just have sex.
Gods love is shown in many ways. I work very hard to provide. I deny myself many things so that my wife and family can have. I drive old cars so I can pay for college and my kids don’t have severe debt.
At my age and with dealing with hormone issues, bed time is sleep time. I dream of uninterrupted sleep which almost never happens. My dream vacation is laying on the deck chairs of a cruise ship and not moving for that spot for a week!
I am a high drive husband, with a low drive wife. Her mindset is that if she does not feel like having sex, it doesn’t happen. I don’t want her to just lay there obviously. But it confuses me how your spouse wanting you in that way, doesn’t or won’t even turn you on a little bit or get you in the mood.
We had sex before marriage, she was my first and only. I was not hers. Before marriage it was mutual, regular and initiated by both. After, it has been one sided, only initiated by me with constant rejection and refusal.
While I have no desire to have sex with anyone else. I have fallen into sin through this in ways I never thought possible. This is my responsibility, but I can’t describe how helpless you feel. My wife has the mindset that if I ever slept with anyone else it would be over, yet the one thing she doesn’t see a responsibility for is to regularly partake in that with me…
Al, I feel your pain with the low t. But hopefully you can fight it, and find a replacement therapy that can leave you with no headaches and no tiredness. The whole sex thing aside, YOU might feel way better.
You probably have already researched this, but it took me several drug tries before finding an answer. Weight came off, energy better, felt better about life in general. Sex was better too, but the whole health thing is where you want to be.
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I wish my wife would wan’t more sex than me. Maybe one day She will get there. She used to. Then she got on Birth control and it tanked. As soon as we can afford it I’m getting that IUD out!. LOL
Are there other women on here who enjoy sex tremendously, but prefer it at a more intense pace and style? Less foreplay and more ..you know?
I sometimes feel isolated with such thoughts.
oldmarried52
actually we have found a mix if meds hat has raised my T levels to around 600. I’m feeling a lot better, no fatigue, etc but it has zero affect on the libido. The entire idea is still very unappealing. I love, and respect my wife but have absolutely no sex drive and no desire. I don’t look at other women with desire. It’s simply not there. Since I was always on the low drive side I think this is just normal for me. Normal part of my body aging. May not be normal for you or some others, but I have talked to enough people to realize this is normal for a lot of people. We all have different levels of desire, different needs for affection. I’m simply not interested in exploring somebody else’s body and I really do not want somebody exploring mine. I treasure my privacy and modesty. Heck I don’t even want to be at the beach without a T shirt on.
I do feel a calling to be vocal on this. I am getting weary of people saying people like me are broken and need fixed. Not all of us think about sex 24/7. Yes it’s part of life, but it’s only 1 part of a million and its main purpose is to have kids. The two become one….to make a family. After that…..eh.
Al, your last paragraph makes me very sad for you and your wife…
“I do feel a calling to be vocal on this. I am getting weary of people saying people like me are broken and need fixed. Not all of us think about sex 24/7. Yes it’s part of life, but it’s only 1 part of a million and its main purpose is to have kids. The two become one….to make a family. After that…..eh”
Where does it say in the Bible that the two become one to make a family. After that…eh?
I was brought up in a church that taught this but I later discovered this teaching is very unbiblical. Please reread Genesis 1 and 2, Song of Solomon, and I Corinthians 7.
Why sad? So many personality types that have been clinically identified, and all of them handle relations with people differently.
I do not think that having sex is not a religious or holy experience. It does not bring me closer to Jesus. Having sex is not like going to the alter to pray. It’s a physical act. I’m not having sex with Jesus or God.
I do believe that because some people put such a high priority or desire with/for sex it causes a great majority of problems in society. If people would act more mature, and keep sex in the compartment that it belongs in we would have fewer issues, and heck of a lot less drama.