marriage problems, sexual intimacy, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
5 Things Husbands Do that Turn Their Wives OFF Sexually
Aug
I’m often accused of rallying around sexually-deprived husbands (figuratively, mind you) way more than I come to the defense of the wives who are doing the refusing.
Guilty as charged. I admit it.
The emails of exasperated husbands flood into my in-box, and I find myself wanting to have long heart-to-heart conversations with their wives about the cost of neglected sexual intimacy.
(It’s not like I can’t relate. I was once a wife long ago who was doing the neglecting, so we would definitely have that kindred soul thing going on).
Yes, I do tend to write in the direction of wanting wives to stop going on lock down when it comes to sex.
Even so, I get that there are things husbands do (or don’t do) that make it emotionally and physically difficult for their wives to connect with them sexually.
Husbands, here are 5 things that really turn wives off sexually…
1. Lack of personal hygiene.
I’m not saying she never looks out at you all sweaty and mowing the lawn in your faded college shirt and doesn’t think to herself, “Man, I want some of that!”
BUT, in general, if you want her to get naked with you, you better be taking care of the basics…
- Shower often and wash your hair
- Brush your teeth often
- Keep your fingernails and toenails clean and trimmed
- Trim hairs growing out of your nose and ears
- Wear clean and appropriately fitting clothing
- Come to bed smelling at least clean and maybe even with a little cologne on
Here’s the kicker: Don’t just pay attention to personal hygiene when you want sex. That compounds it all as a big turn off. “He’s willing to clean himself up when he wants in me, but I’m really not worth it the rest of the time he’s around me.” That’s what she’s thinking.
2. Looking at porn.
Wives hate it when their husbands look at porn.
Any wife who says she “doesn’t mind” or that she “likes it” is lying or deceived.
If and when you as a husband gaze upon the pornographic images of women and/or anyone in a sexually charged situation, it devalues your wife.
She feels alone.
She feels like she doesn’t measure up.
She views what you’ve done as adulterous, even if she won’t come right out and say it.
Pornography in any form (on your phone, tablet, computer, television, DVDs, magazines) diminishes and ultimately destroys any hope of authentic and profound sexual intimacy with your wife. Same goes with visiting strip clubs or “adult entertainment” venues with scantily-clad waitresses or dancers.
You can’t have it both ways.
You can’t have phenomenal sex with the woman you are in a covenant relationship with AND simultaneously feed your porn habit. You. Can’t. Do. It. Any sex you have with your wife is going to be medicore at best and non-existent at worst. The negative effects of porn are so damaging.
3. Wanting someone to join the two of you in bed.
I know some of you may think it is outlandish that I would even suggest there are husbands requesting this sort of thing, but it does happen. I personally know wives whose husbands have thought it “completely reasonable” that they invite another woman (or, in some cases, another man) into their bed.
Sometimes, the husband wants a threesome. Sometimes he just wants to watch his wife sexually with another person.
Some husbands will go to great lengths to make such a request more palatable, but mark my words, your wife doesn’t want to do it. Same goes for spouse swapping or anything else along those lines.
And if she does agree to do it, that doesn’t make it right and it doesn’t mean she likes the idea. More than likely what it means is she sees no other alternatives to salvaging her marriage with you.
As a husband, you should be the protector of your marriage bed and a guardian of your wife’s heart. Don’t put her in any position where she has to compromise her values (or yours) by partnering with you in committing the sin of adultery.
4. Neglecting her emotionally.
I know this is an often over-generalized point: Wives need emotional connection to feel loved and guys need physical connection to feel loved.
Maybe a better way to state it is that a marriage void of emotional intimacy and physical intimacy will be prone to big chasms of distance, contempt and obligatory sex.
She’ll do it. But she’ll be doing it out of duty, rather than out of feeling profoundly connected to you.
This isn’t about bartering for sex or setting up patterns in your marriage where the mindset is “I’ll do this for you, if you do this for me.”
Rather, it’s about recognizing that there are no short cuts to authentic relationship. Fabulously delightful sex is the result of two people who have built a fabulously intimate friendship.
5. Downplaying the importance of her sexual pleasure.
Yes, more than likely, it will take her longer to climax than you.
That’s not always the case, but studies and good ol’ practical experience reveal that the clitoris is a bit more finicky than the penis. Add to this that women often have a harder time switching gears and getting in the mood for sex, and it’s no surprise that her having an orgasm is rarely going to be quick.
Go figure.
Even so, when sex is just about your own personal pleasure and you are only “in it to win it” for yourself, she will continue to see sex as a chore to just check off her list. “Get in, get done and let’s move on” will be the lens through which she looks.
She may even fake orgasm to either protect your ego or to just bring a quick resolution to the whole ordeal.
I once went to a wedding where the pastor looked directly at the groom during the ceremony and said, “I’m going to tell you something young man. You better satisfy her sexually or someone else will.”
Now, we can debate how appropriate the timing of his comment was, but there is much wisdom resonating in his words. He wasn’t saying she has a right to go elsewhere for her sexual satisfaction. He was saying that her orgasm matters and it’s her husband’s responsibility and privilege to bring her that intense pleasure.
Become a student of your wife’s body and never stop learning what it will take to please her sexually. Encourage her to tell you and show you what it will take for her to climax.
If you are a husband and you read through this list of 5 things, do you see where you could become more conscientious?
And a word of encouragement to all you wives… if indeed you have a husband who is paying close attention to these 5 things and striving to honor you with his heart, time and body, are you reciprocal? Don’t leave him wondering if you truly love him. He needs your love not just in word and theory, but in sexual action and attitude, too.
Turning each other on sexually is worth it! And it’s so much more fun than turning each other off.
Copyright 2013, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage blog.
My husband doesn’t have the above problems, he just ignored me and refuses all sex or intimacy. He won’t talk or even sleep with me. Its been going on for our entire married life, I don’t understand what’s going on in his head or why. All I know àfter 47 years i would like is a solid answer . He never talks to me or any one else. I’m at a point that I don’t care any more and the thought of sex makes me tired.
My husband turns me COMPLETELY OFF. Between following behind me like a lost puppy for me to perform oral sex, which I HATE, to the lack of intimacy I feel like I am serving a life sentence without the possibility of parole. I’ve tried to let him know that he needs to make minor changes but he ALWAYS turns it around to say, “well you do this” “well you don’t do that.” Why me??? I used to enjoy sex now it is a THANKLESS CHORE! I’d rather sit and watch a BUCKET of paint to evaporate than have sex with him.
My husband is 26 and I’m 31. I’m way more experienced with sex but I do not believe that should be his excuse to not try harder to arouse me. He doesn’t wait for me to get wet or take the time to do so which makes me emotionally frustrated. I feel sex is for him not me. I have a vibrator I use during sex to help with orgasms but sometimes I want him to do it. Sex just seems so challenging now and I do not care to do it anymore.
The women on here scare the heck out of me.
There is so much more than just these five things: to start it all, he should be the best man he can be, helpful in his duty in the home, a wonderful and attentive father, a loyal and supportive member of the couple/ family team… All these things will pay off massively if his wife can look at him with pride and respect, loving and sexual feelings derive easily from these…
Sex gets boring and if your wife is super religious…….you can only go so far down the exploratory hole before it’s considered wrong. So, Im fine with sex every 2 weeks nowadays. It could be more fun if she was willing (actually interested in) not just willing to do the act….but oh well she rocks in every other way.
What about us wives who are refused? What do I do? I’ve asked him (in a calm, respectful manner) if we could talk about it so I can better understand what he is feeling and come up with solutions to try together. But he tells me I’m too emotional and overreacting, he completely disregards my feelings leaving me to feel like he doesn’t care that I have needs, and promptly shut down and tells me to back off and that I should try to be more understanding…. How am I supposed to be understanding if he won’t explain to me what’s wrong in the first place?!?! I’m at my wits end!!! My heart is broken and I feel hopeless and helpless….
@Sarbmom25 — I am saddened that your husband is so careless with you and with his marriage.
I do have a page on my site specifically with posts for wives who have a higher sex drive than their husbands. Possibly some of these posts would give insights on what may be going on with your husband and/or ideas to get him to communicate about it.
Here is the page: https://intimacyinmarriage.com/resources/wives-who-want-more-sex-and-arent-getting-it/
I have an idea.. How about wives do something to turn a guy on! Do something we like! Pretend you want us! Pretend you like and want our time.
Its boring and frustrating catering to our wives year after year. The dinners and trips and gifts and security and the living of her dream, for what? I’m not saying sex is the pay off..but I’m tired of jumping thru hoops.
I give up.
My husband watches porn on a regular basis for years, he always says I’m not looking at the women in place of you just getting ideas! Well our sex life is him wanting oral sex or I’m treated like one of the woman on his porn! I have severe RA and do my best as living in chronic pain doesn’t help, but I always try for him but nothing romantic, cuddling, kissing none of that from him! I hate what he’s become and he doesn’t even see it! I’ve really become resentful towards him and could careless what he feels and thinks because it certainly does not matter to him!
Well this article sure gave me alot of pointers honestly. Not that i havent tried my best to be the good father the living husband and the caring lover i try to be. But it has come down to i have oractically forced my wife to having sex with me. I have a terriblem problem with premature ejaculation but i have tried to do oral sex on her when back in the days she went nuts for it but she just recently had our third child..but its been 4 montha and we have had sex about 4 or 5 times since then ! Im going nuts here..i tried doing oral sex on her but now she doesnt even like it that my hand touches her there. I dont have a problem with it, i actually love to do it because i watch how she loced it..but the womab just plain doesnt want any sex at all. The last two times i basically ended up on top of her and she practically waited for me to finish. She swears she tries to be more willing..i bought pills for her and some stuff for me to help my premature ejaculation. But dang two nughta ago i tried it and i failed terribly and she barely started getting wet. Im sick of unable to please her and i know i turned her into a cold woman even though she does try to want it.
I ‘ve been married over 25 years and love my wife. I think I’m pretty attentive. Shower regularly, shave, wear clean clothes, buy her cards & gifts on birthday, anniv., and xmas, take her for dinner regularly, often just put my arm around her, often give her a little kiss, sometimes when we’re out I’ll hold her hand. In day to day stuff I’ll usually put her first. For example, if there’s one chocolate left, I’ll give it her – without telling her there’s only one left.
She doesn’t reciprocate with the cuddles & kisses, by the way. I once asked her why she never comes up to me and kisses me. She said it was because I might think she wants sex!
We have sex maybe half a dozen times a year, and the frustration is driving me up the wall! When we do have sex, it’s plain vanilla. She won’t try anything much beyond missionary. I spend most of the time trying to please her. The odd thing is, when she does get going, she climax’s pretty quickly. Then she’ll make it clear she’s finished and is waiting for me – which of course is almost guaranteed to ensure I can’t finish!
Getting her in the mood is VERY difficult. She just has no sex drive at all. She won’t talk to anyone about it. If I try and talk to her, I might get a minute of two of conversation, then she stops, goes silent, and like pretends I’m not there?
Where am I going wrong?
I want to understand this….
My hubby s sweet, loving & a great father to our girls. Sex is great, we open when comes to that..try different things often. The problem is; I wasn’t home for a week & when i came back, i did a laundry and happen to find his underware sticky-dried with simen…like he was wiping with it instead of a towel…it made me to lose it. I called him and asked wat was that, he said he ws helping himself & he sorry abt that. I’m sitting there wondering who was he thinking of or chating to or having sex call….i mean can a man help himself and end up taking off his undies & use it as a wiper. I would appreciate mens’ opinio more so i can understand…
I’ve been married 20 years. Our sexual problems came to a head 8 years ago when I completely gave up. I explained to him how sexually unsatisfied I was with him; starting with his premature ejaculation, to not paying attention to me until he rolled over for sex. He barely tried to make any changes. I felt ignored all day and he wouldn’t even try to treat me like the love of his life. After getting thru the young stages with our kids, my sex drive was going thru the roof and I wanted to feel like an attractive woman again. I wanted to go out and do fun things with him as a couple but he wasn’t interested. He even made me feel like I was wrong for wanting to go to a local jazz event with him because he was afraid of what people would think of him by seeing him there (he’s a minister). We went but it was an embarrassing fiasco and ended with me crying and ready to jump out of the car. I tried and tried but he made little effort.
I had so much anger and resentment toward him for the lack of intimacy, constant criticizing, unfulfilled sexual needs, money problems, and not getting my wedding ring fixed or replaced when the diamond fell out…just like my ring, my heart had a hole in it. I stopped wearing my broken ring until it got fixed. He never fixed it. I went to a jewelry store and bought a new one on my own.
By then I gave up, looked elsewhere, and found sexual fulfillment, and a new lover and friend. I felt alive again.
Best and worst decision I’ve ever made because I was never unfaithful in all the years of our marriage so my conscious convicted me constantly; but then I finally experienced sexual fulfillment. Tried cutting things off, but I went back to my lover friend. Years later I’ve learned to balance the relationships. Unfortunately since my lover is amaaaazing in bed I’m having a hard time enjoying the mediocre sex with my husband. I never wanted my marriage to be like this. I don’t want to continue hurting him and making myself crazy either. I want to be authentic and happy to be myself, and not deceptive anymore. I want to keep our family together too.
We’ve been married 16.5 years. My wife is 35, I am 41. The first few years of marriage we had amazing sex. The past 12 years it’s been a battle beyond dreadful. My wife just lost interest and she seems to be the one holding control. The last decade we have sex probably half a dozen times per year. I tried for years to kick start our intimate relationship to no avail. Night after night she would turn away from me, snap at me in bed, intentionally start an argument at bed time, basically everything and anything she could to turn me off. I’ve always put her pleasure first before my own and considered myself to be a very considerate lover, in our early years I’d happily put in hours of foreplay (on her) I would take pleasure from her satisfaction. Though the years of staring at the ceiling night after agonising night has affected my self confidence and self worth & it’s killed my own sex drive and enthusiasm. Meaning our 6 tumbles a year were mechanical and boring as hell. I’d wonder afterwards why i bothered pursuing her for 3 or 4 weeks for that awful non event. Outside of the bedroom I fulfill her every need and wish. I’m there for her emotionally, I actively and financially support her career ambitions. I listen and converse, I attend to her every material wish be it shoes, bags, clothes, exotic holidays, expensive cars basically anything and everything she needs and wants. I consider myself an attentive husband and I always strive to see she is a happy soul. I take pride in personal hygiene, shower more than once a day, shave and try to keep in shape. Yet I get no intamicy in return. I yearn her hugs and kisses, her touch and feel. Climaxing is just a side effect – the intamicy of sex with my wife and the bond it gives us is what I miss the most. I don’t want to look outside our marriage for resolve – though most of these type of threads depict that’s the answer. And yet I do not think I deserve the rest of my life feeling this way. My wife has now on occasion (after years of denial) admitted she recognises what she’s done toward me over the years and the damage it causes. Recently we’ve tried to get things back on track in the bedroom, but on both occasions a coue of weeks in and she’s too tired or loses interest all over again. Yet nothing really changes long term. I find the battle exhausting. So Do I talk to her / confront her once again and endure that degrading feeling of begging for scraps or do I resolve that this is all I should expect.
I do know however, when I was a young man I never would have wanted this for my future self. The lack of a fulfilling intimate bonding sexual relationship with the woman I love is easily the biggest regret of my life.
Really don’t know what to think.Sex with my husband is great all the time and we have no problems at all ..that’s all until I comply with his own games which are to talk about him having “her”..same time with me..I played his game for a long time and I experimented a bit with “just two of us” but every time sex goes down..now I am really on to something. i trtried to talk to him about him not wanting me because obviously he is not attracted to me but to idea of someone else..who he eather can’t have or with whom he has something more than affection. It makes me wonder if he is honest with me.That question is after my own observation of our sexual life as it has one more obstacle, same time of the month for a week he does not touch me at all.. realy for sake of my life I am thinking of taking detective even do I am not willing to invade his privacy I think about this as about only choice.
Nemesis, many couples partake in role play and fantasies, however what you describe is rather unusual as a repeating scenario.
Has he ever explained the reason or fantasy behind the text or roleplay ?? Tell him you need him to explain in detail who is this ‘her’ or what it means – otherwise it is affecting your own wellbeing. And why will he not touch you at a certain time of every month ?? I suspect he has some personal issues which need discussing and resolving.
In my opinion Dialogue is your best avenue.
I am no expert! In fact im very new to this game and am experiencing quite a few issues myself.
I am very sorry to hear about such issues from both sides of the fence. I do have a few pointers that might be able to help in some of the situations that i have read in the comments.
for starters sex is not an exact science. What works for one person may not work for others.
Woman and men are very different. Men can be turned on like a light switch, whereas, woman can take almost 45 minutes sometimes longer to be fully turned on. (some woman quicker)
That being said, ladies your husband is already turned on and is waiting for you. It can get very frustrating trying and trying to turn you ladies on and nothing seems to be happening especially when cuddling and kissing is your turn on. for men that does not feel like anything and actually can have the opposite affect of being turned off. A lot of help would greatly enhance the experience by telling men you like certain things or moving around while cuddling or playing a game ect. Also ladies, some sexual advance throughout the day would also let us know what is on your mind. This includes a grab of his butt or a rub as you pass by. Basically anything that he does to you because he thinks it is a turn on is what you should do to him because that is likely what turns him on. Let him know that a kiss feels better for you then him touching your breasts. This way your needs are being taken care of and your man knows what your needs are and he also knows hes doing something.
Men, porn is the easiest way to go. This is the truth but sex can feel so much better and more satisfying then you can possibly imagine. But, you have to be willing to take your time and have some patience. In my experiences woman DO NOT like sexual advances or at least in the ways that you think they do. Woman like a hug or a kiss on their kneck as you walk by or a love note or taking care of the kids or goinout of your way to do something nice, not that butt grab or boob grab that will turn you on. This extends even to the bedroom. Woman like to cuddle and kiss and be hugged and told that they are beautiful for about 30 mintues to 45 minutes before they are completely turned on. Maybe even play a dirty game but the ladies are not even starting on their ares yet. (Again some woman less time and some woman more time, Ladies help the men out, Men do not read minds)
It is at this point where you can start to pleasure her sexually. Obvioulsy starting slow and from all parts of her body. Including feet hands and chest knees ect.Hopefully she will direct you a little about what feels good.
take your time and the point is to enjoy the moments not to focus on finishing and not to think of this time as a job or a duty.
It’s easier to just wank off to porn than to deal with constant rejection and excuses like Im tired , I have a headache, I just want to cuddle while Im laying there hard as a rock wanting to explode.
Once a fortnight sex if you factor in womans monthly , my prostate is in pain from lack of sex if I didnt jerk off to porn.
But they are happy to spend your money on beauty products . No wonder people have so many affairs and divorce rate is do high.
30 years of suffering from my husband’s lifelong premature ejaculation and non-existent sex drive (but he enjoys porn) has turned me into an angry and bitter woman. I’ve begged him to get help – he half heartedly tries but then gives up without putting any real effort into a solution. I’ve told him I am willing to help any way I can. We may have sex once a month now (I have to initiate) and when we do it is oral only because he can’t last more than 30 seconds and I’ve given up on penetrative sex. I have kept myself up – watch my weight, exercise regularly, impeccable hygiene, hair, nails, makeup – everything and anything to keep myself attractive. Doesn’t matter. I get appreciative glances from other men, so I know I am not unattractive. I am also very supportive and caring towards him – I try to keep humor in our conversations and be his best friend. I am now just….done. The reality has sunk in that I’ve squandered my youth and sexual years with a man who has severe sexual issues and I can’t understand why. I suppose I will stay in the marriage out of sheer convenience, as I’m now older and not likely to find another partner before I die. I am so lonely for kisses and love making, sometimes I think I will disappear. I’ve prayed to God to remove my sex drive and to not need kisses, but God hasn’t answered my prayers. I tried to “forget” about sex altogether by getting heavily into endurance sports – when not working I was constantly training and racing. But I overdid it and hurt a disc in my neck so now I am physically limited on what sports I can play. I tried surrounding myself with female friends and social activities but for some reason that just makes it worse, because they all seem to be very happy in their marriages. Now I am studying Buddhism in an effort to put my suffering into perspective. If I look at all the things I have to be grateful for, I really am lucky. I know that everyone has their own personal cross to bear in life – and this is mine. But gosh it just hurts so much at times that I feel like I’m going insane. I guess I am depressed.
I’ve been married for 25 years. My husband when I met him was hooked on porn but I didn’t think much of it at the time. He convinced me during that time to watch it with him a few times. Even though I hated it I complied because I loved him. Now 25 years later he is still hooked on porn and the only sex we have is oral. I hate the fact that he wakes me up at 2 and 3 in the morning to give him oral sex. I’ll be asleep and he’ll wake me up standing on the side of the bed I’m sleeping on, naked and wanting oral sex. I HATE THAT and I’ve told him numerous times that I hate it. His reply is always that I knew what he liked when I married him. Outside of oral sex there is no intimacy at all, no hugs, kisses or anything. I feel as though I am serving a life sentence with no parole as well. I’ve spent practically my entire life with this man and there is no point in going anywhere now because truthfully I don’t want to even think about starting a relationship with another man. I am so outdone but I keep praying for a change in our marriage. My advice to single women is to NEVER marry a man hooked on porn if you want INTIMACY in your marriage.
Wow nailed it with the tad bit about other women. Not porn but just looking and liking other women’s sexy pictures online is my turn off. He just a pig and doesn’t care about my feelings.
Thanks for the article. Porn is a HUGE problem. There are 3 ways it majorly damages relationships. 1) It can create completely unrealistic expectations of what women like/want. 2) It hyper sensitises men to sex and often means men will be terrible at non-sexual touching. I used to be like this. 3) Physical problems like premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction. Check out rebootnation.org videos for really good info on the damage of porn.
My wife doesn’t want sex or even intimacy anymore. I feel like I’ve lost permission to love her in any way shape or form (no gifts, no time away, no touching, no compliments). She loves me but there is zero passion. Its killing me.
Yup, the porn thing is a huge problem. It has pretty much ruined my marriage. I was crazy in love with my husband and wanted him constantly. I was so excited to finally be with someone who I knew I could trust and experiment with in bed, but he suddenly lost all interest in sex. To add insult to injury, I found out that he’d been secretly watching porn, meanwhile I was feeling completely confused, rejected, and already terrible about my appearance postpartum.
I know my body isn’t the same as it was before the baby, but I’m working out, watching what I eat, and am actually skinnier now than I have been since high school. I dress nice, fix my hair and makeup for him every morning, try to initiate sex and even bought sexy lingere to try to turn him on…still he constantly “has a headache” or some other excuse. I don’t know what else I could possibly do, I guess I just can’t compete with the eager hordes or digital whores.
Dear Sad Wife,
I believe much of what we learn in Alanon applies to spouses of those addicted to pornography. You did not cause this, you cannot control this, you cannot cure this. Or perhaps better put: this is not your responsibility. You can walk alongside your husband in his healing journey, but he must want help and do the work.
Focus on taking care of yourself and your child. Get some support from others who understand because they have lived through a similar experience.
You have my prayers.
I’m a newly wed husband in a blended family. We have just gotten through a really tough 1st month of marriage. After my wife hurting herself on our honeymoon I have been looking after her and our 3 kids and her back has finally healed and last night we were able to do it for the 1st time in 3 weeks. I do follow the 5 points above and we share the workload of the household. All throughout i was asking her what she wants and trying to do the stuff she wanted and ahe just kept saying that she won’t get there and that i can and she will finish herself off after. I enjoy the fact that I can get her there. It’s part of how i feel close to her. I appreciate that she’s wanting to get me there i really do but without even the chance of me being able to get there last night I just stopped.ni felt like there’s something wrong with me. Am I unattractive to her now? I feel devalued. I’m also not sure if these feelings are ok to have. Most guys may not have cared and continued but I just couldn’t. I feel like even though I was showing interest in her and asking her about what she wants she’s basically nicely saying not to bother because I can’t do it for her and her hand will do it better than i can anyway.
I truly am a happily married man of 20+ years! I have done everything I can think of to make my wife happy in any and every way possible. I buy her nice things, take her to nice places to dine, tend to her every need, work hard around the home and help in every way with the kids. I feel I’m a very romantic man (or try to be) but always get shut down. I don’t feel it is owed but earned… We make love maybe once every 3-6 months and I’m at a loss! I love my wife and would do anything for her but feel like she is not interested in me anymore. I’m at a loss and looking for advice on how to fix this! She has no desire to discuss it with me and always says “that’s all you ever think about”! Well, I think about it more than once every 3-6 months that’s for sure! I feel guilty when we do make love because I can’t last and don’t feel I can please her anymore because I don’t have the stamina I once did with her! Feeling alone and looking for advice and answers…
@Russ … Thank you for your comment and for taking the time to reach out. I don’t have easy answers, but I suggest you try talking with your wife about how the lack of intimacy (physical and otherwise) feels to you. If she again responds with “that’s all you ever think about,” then express to her that you want the two of you to go to a counselor. If she won’t go, then go on your own. It will not only give you the insight of a professional but also will demonstrate to your wife that you are willing to do whatever it takes to strengthen the marriage. Having sex once every 3-6 months is essentially considered a sexless marriage. Sex is part of a marriage and if there is no reasonable reason a husband and wife couldn’t be having it (illness, military deployment separation, etc), then sex should be a regular part of the marriage. Otherwise the marriage suffers. Which obviously yours is. And it’s sad she doesn’t see the depth of that, so you may have to be more direct to make the point about your depth of pain.
Thank you Julie,
I’m at my wits end and I’m frustrated beyond belief! It’s late night although it was an early night to bed in hopes of the remote possibility of an intimate evening with the love of my life. I’ve been seeing a counselor for quite some time and he recommends she come to see him as well. She doesn’t know the things I speak with him about and if she did, I’m certain she’d probably leave. I’m an insecure person and always have been and don’t know how to kick it! I don’t have the nerves to tell her what his recommendation is in fear of the outcome. The hardest part for me is knowing she was a promiscuous teen through her early twenties but even that I’ve put behind me, I just don’t understand and being in this predicament makes me feel that much more inadequate. I’m an honest man and a loving father and husband that really wishes she would just see the light on her own but know she won’t. Again, thank you for your advice, I’m on the path to discussing with her that she needs to see my counselor regardless of the outcome…
Russ
I sometimes wonder if maybe all of our marriages and intimacy issues would be better if we turned off the electronic devices and actually spent time together. We get so caught up in day to day balancing finances, kids, work, health etc that we burn out and just want to play on our phones or binge watch shows. Would our intimacy improve if instead of a show or our phones we pulled out a deck of cards? When we dated, before marriage, most of our dates didn’t include sitting on a couch or bed on phones with the TV on in the background. In order to be intimate, I like to feel connected.
I’m a religious Muslim woman, but I appreciate the advice given on this website. Last night I decided to put some jazz music on just for ambience. My husband commented stating that it didn’t do anything for him. I was immediately turned off by his blunt comment and although I was really keen all evening I just couldn’t continue after that. While my husband then tried to sleep, I came across this article and realised that he has been making an immense effort with me and I’m truly grateful that he does not watch porn. I then told my husband I loved him and we had a *good time*. I’d like to thank the writer for reminding me how lucky I am.
It has been said before, but porn addiction is a disease which must be cured. There’s a reason it is sinful. In the UK, Muslim and Christian groups are coming together to spread awareness about the harmful effects of porn.
Throughout my marriage I have quickly discarded anything that may come in the way of a healthy and fulfilling sex life. I left out certain foods, contraceptive pills (libido killer) and I left my job – it was way too stressful and definitely affected my arousal. I’ll be honest, I don’t rely on my husband to arouse me, I just make sure that I’m happy and in a state to be aroused so that anything my husband subsequently does intensifies that arousal. That way there is an illusion that he is doing the arousing and we’re both pleased.
There seems to be unrealistic expectations of sex from both sides. It’s perfectly okay for the woman to ‘help herself’ during sex to facilitate her climax.
It’s also unrealistic to expect both to climax at the same time! What’s wrong if the man waits for the woman to climax and then he can take his turn? Men and women are different – after the woman climaxes, it is still pleasurable for her if the man continues penetrating her.
Furthermore, there is nothing wrong with oral sex as long as you are both on equal footing. The male dominance thing can be sexy but it’s important that it’s clear that he is playing and that he does not genuinely view you as a porn star. A good sign of equality in this respect is that he is also ready and willing to perform oral sex.
The most important thing is that both parties love and care for one another – it’s a beautiful and selfless thing to seek to pleasure your spouse. Sex is a necessity and should be done as often as possible. Everyday is reasonable. Don’t neglect it’s importance – there is a reason why God gave you desires and a spouse.
I feel for Russ.
Am in exactly the same position. 22 years of marriage. I am married to the most attractive, sexy woman on the planet (my opinion – without prejudice to all other ladies that may read this) I have provided well I believe through hard work, houses, holiday home, brand new car amazing experiences and anything ever needed and wanted, we share my account and my finances are my wife’s. Trust is there 100%. I believe that I do my fare share in our relationship and more than most. I do not drink and do not smoke, I am healthy and fitter than the average person my age. I am a loving, caring and intimate husband who loves to touch, kiss and explore with my wife. I am there to give of much of myself to please and satisfy my wife first and foremost before myself. Yet of late, possibly the last two years, she cuts me off totally. We may only be intimate maybe once or twice a month if lucky. However it’s like making love to my lawnmower. She is cold and unsupportive or unresponsive even if I am trying to satisfy her with the right amount of foreplay and so on. She basically doesn’t even participate. I ask her why and she says she does love me and she is stressed! That being the reason she doesn’t ever touch me or acknowledge me ever in a sexual manner. I feel lost in this relationship and nothing I do or say seems to work. I can’t ask questions as she diverts the conversation to stress and won’t talk about it. I have a lot of love and affection to give and am being shut down. I am almost at the point of wanting to end the marriage due to this problem as it is placing a great deal of strain on our personal lives. I fear that my wife does not love me anymore, When we got married it was for life, but if this continues for much longer I am unwilling to be placed in the back seat as its killing me mentally. I have needs and wish to share them with the person I love and not with anyone else. Maybe it’s already over and maybe we both are just not ready to accept it! What are your thoughts?
Best Regards
G
Oh Lord, I cry with all the above people and their issues. How can marriage and sex be so difficult and painful? My story is that after 37 years of marriage my husband is suddenly demanding that I initiate, hinting at divorce and saying that I don’t love him enough. He’s been cruel and angry, accusing me of many things. He’s broken and trample my heart. He’s into porn. You know over all we have a great life, except for this one issue. SO now I initiate do many other things I am very uncomfortable with in trying to preserve my marriage. I pray for both of us constantly, that God will be speaking to each us. It’s all an act, never in my life did I imaging that this is how things would end up.
Nothing’s Changed – Depressing
My initial post above (Dan April 11th)
So 4 months on and nothing has changed.
My wife of nearly 17 years, whom I love dearly (see above) is still holding back on the love and affection. We have made love maybe 2 or 3 occasions since April.
It was my birthday recently and even that did not give her the initiative to be nice to me at bed time, despite my kissing and caressing her, and I in fastening her clip, she clenched her arms and went to sleep (again) whilst I lay there in disbelief for a couple of hours.
I really cannot keep putting in all this effort and meet with a dead end over and over again.
And I have found I no longer have the energy or heart to start the dialogue and conversation over again….
Please can anyone offer me any advice or a life line before I give up completely and forever..??
What a bunch of bs posts here. I don’t know where to start or why I even bothered to try to help you see this.
Specially the women posting here. You are so clueless, you have no idea nor seem to have any interest in male psychology (what makes us tick.) You are selfish and seem only concerned with your well being.
As for some of the man posts. It’s unbelievable that you aren’t able to take control of your wives and lead them in the correct direction. No wonder they’re having none of it.
A lot of soul searching needs to be done by many posting here.
What do I do when my wife refuses to have any intercourse just because? I always get think about what your doing, you moving to fast, why are you doing. Like a drill Sargent controlling the situation and if it doesn’t go her way she shuts it. We have sex maybe once a month sometimes every other month and she thinks that’s ok.
“Dan – Disbeleif – Giving up !!”
I have the same issues. You lay there looking at the ceiling thinking this again.
It’s BS guys. When a wife is involved in an affair, she puts everything into it and tries a whole bunch of new things. Especially if she is competing with HIS wife. The naughtier, the more exciting. She will do it for him but not for you, because you are you, and marriage is marriage. Yes, she is rewarding her lover. She doesn’t mind being his sexual toy, she looks forward to the sex and romance, but will not put the effort into her own marriage. If she did, 99% of men would be happy even on a per week basis.
Sad that so many of us are having the same issues I want my marriage but I can’t stand the lack of Love and intimacy I prefer to work nights as at least I can come home and sleep on my own with out him prodding me in the back or roughly turning me over before the same story plays out, I have for months put up with it as my duty and hoped it would phase out but after months of the love less groping and rough handling and hearing tales of what he wants with other people including watching someone else with me which immediately turns me off I have had enough and now I activly avoid all contact in places he could take it further as I just end up feeling unloved under valued and nothing more than, in this to please him and his sick fantasies I have tried telling him how it makes me feel and he says he dosent mean it I’ve told him he dosent handle me gently he is rough with me and I am left with bruises sometimes , but again it all goes in one ear out the other evertytime it ends in me lay with silent tears running down my face and feeling worthless why should I feel like that in order for him to have his sexual satisfaction
@Sad… I’m so sorry to hear about the state of your marriage. From what you have shared, it sounds like your husband is abusive. I encourage you to find a safe mature female confidante who you can express your concerns and/or a counselor to help you figure out how to set healthier boundaries with your husband. If he won’t change, seek a separation and insist that the two of you get counseling. These are hard situations. I don’t minimize them at all, and I know that there are no easy answers. But for your own safety and sanity, something has to change, in my opinion.
Well my problem is not exactly the one described above but here is what is happening… My husband and I been 3 years together and we recently had a baby which is 1 month old. I’m back at my normal weight and exercising every day, so I am looking very good. Here is the thing with him: when ever we are around the house he comes over to me and touches me and at times pretends to be having sex with me (which by the way, I like) when it comes down that we are in the bedroom, and I am ready for the action, he just don’t act! And it kills me…. I don’t understand why he does that, is like he is not interested in sex at all! I don’t know what to do? Please HELP!
Isn’t it very sad that so many married couples are feeling like this.does the Bible say anything about feeling unsatisfied??? I feel awful on my husband he does try hard, maybe the clothes fitting and hygiene aren’t great all the time but they aren’t awful. He just can’t get me there. Before my husband I was very adventurous, I just can’t seem to get that back with him. It’s heartbreaking thinking you have found your soul mate then years later realising that you are actually so different 🙁 I’d love to know what god has to say about what you’re meant to do in this situation
I’ve never been married, but I have been in a long term relationship where we have sex almost every night, the only time I never want sex is when I feel devalued, like when I would see my partner had been looking at porn that day or something like that, I notice a lot of guys don’t say whether or not they have been watching porn, maybe your wives found your porn history one time and the thought of it has hurt them so deeply that they just don’t want to sleep with you anymore, it really is a turn off especially as we get older because the girls in the porn do not get older they are always 18 -21 years old and once we get into our 30’s we find it hard to believe you like us as much as someone we could have babysat when we were in high school, its a turn off to know your possibly 40-50 something year old husband is getting off on looking at girls young enough to be their daughter, we dont talk about it because the western world has conditioned us to believe this is perfectly normal and healthy behaviour for men to do and that its our own insecurities that are the problem, we don’t want to be seen as that jealous wife but we can’t help the way we feel, honestly how would you men feel if you busted your wife rubbing one out to an 18 year old boy?
@mimes… You deserve to be with a man who treats you with respect and who will wait to have sex until the two of you are married. I am sorry for the pain your significant other is causing you. I hope you can see you deserve better.
I’m in the same boat. Married 16 years. Initial years were okay…..right now i’m on complete lockdown. If and when i do accept to have sex with him it’s more of ‘obligation’ and not ‘want’ or ‘desire’.
I believe i am not sexually satisfied and know what to expect (same old 1 minute of nothing) hence i don’t look forward to it.
I don’t know how to ‘revive’ the past…….not sure how long we will hold on to this…….especially him. Personally i could easily do a full year without sex. Not because i don’t want to but because i ALWAYS get a ‘raw deal’ from my partner. His needs are all that matters!!
So where to begin? I love my wife with all of my heart and soul.
Since meeting her, I have always put my wife first. When we were dating the sex was great whenever we had a chance we would not waste it.
After we made the decision of living togethor sex tended to become less explored than before, we both knew that would happen, so from a scene of whenever we can get time togethor alone it’s on! to… Once every second day. As time passed, my wife’s sex drive became less and less at a slow pace, and it wasn’t that I had changed or done anything different or treated her wrongly or carelessly it’s just simply her interest became less. I figured even so, it’s still nice to enjoy the intimacy of our relationship once every three days, I shouldnt complain right?
So my wife and I get along really well, we both love eachother and trust eachother and give eachother space when wanted, we don’t tie eachother down, still to this day we love eachother crazy.
Anyways, I thought it was time to propose to my lady and it all went very romantically nice and smooth.
So this is honestly truely what has happened… After proposing to my wife basically ever since then, her sexual desire and interest in me has gone out the window, I still to this day do romantic things for her, I do more than her as far as housework goes, I work harder and I also am the higher income earner, I still take my wife shopping and buy things she wants and take her out to dinners, I have not changed anything since we have been married, I still keep fit, my wife is also fit, I compliment her on her looks, I do absolutely anything in my path to make her happy.
My wife often tells me she’s very satisfied and happy with me, but to be honest I am not satisfied at all, and to be honest with you all, it’s because of the lack of interest in our sex life.
I have read all the posts on here, along with millions of others on the Web, I don’t understand this…. How can my wife not desire me sexually?.
A lot of the women here complain about the man wanting sex but none of these women seem to realise what their husbands are doing for them. If you have a husband like myself and refuse him sex and yeah I have heard them all “headaches, tired, not today, not in the mood” etc then seriously what the f##k is wrong with you? Do you think about your husbands feeling on the matter? He’s covering your every urge and need yet you can’t do one need for him? REALLY? So the woman has reason to need the man at this stage… But does the man really need the woman? He’s practically wasting his time right? Living a world of unsatisfaction just to make sure your needs are met.
As for some of the men here, a wife is not an object you should make a women feel wanted and loved not chase her around the house with your willy out, or waving your willy infront of her face,it’s been said here many times women aren’t port stars and I agree.
So obviously if your in a loving relationship and the only downside to it is that your libidos don’t matchup what do you do? That’s my observation question.
From where I stand I have done everything for my lady since day one and it’s always been awesome. But I truely feel I shouldnt have proposed because I feel more miserable and tied down now than ever before in my life. My wife will never initiate and even though everyday I’m in over my head doing anything I can for her and extending it beyond that reach even further daily there’s still only a 10% chance my wife will have sex with me, and when she does she has no interest in me trying to arouse her emotionally or with sexual pleasure, she doesn’t want any oral or warming up, she doesn’t want to connect emotionally during or look at me in th eyes its just hurry up put the condom on stick it in do your thing and goodnight… I desire the romance amd my wife severely lacks it.
So how does one fix this problem? I’m keen to hear an answer I haven’t already read or tried.
My wife doesn’t care that I show an interest in exploring what she wants, she’s just focused on that one job she has to do once a blue moon when she feels ready to keep me tied down with her.
Have I tried talking to my wife about this? Yes many many times in a nice stressless environment with just us alone and plenty of talk time, I try making the conversation friendly and honest but my wife everytime starts getting angry and basically ends the communication. Our last talk, I told my wife my emotions, I told her I know she’s happy and satisfied but I am not and I am sick if her not caring about my needs.
I know my wife would never cheat on me.
I know my wife loves me.
I know I make my wife happy.
I told her she should research online what happens when a woman refuses a man all the time, her response is “I don’t care what they say online were all different!”
My wife hasn’t even bothered researching anything she doesn’t see how serious this is effecting our relationship. If my wife keeps ignoring me I will have to divorce her, I hate thinking this way or even saying this… But I am not a bad husband, I have followed every guideline and rule in existence on the net and for all of my efforts my wife still won’t make love with me unless she wants it, when she’s ready. I am a man if my word, I keep my vowels so if I have to divorce it’s going to be the hardest thing in my life it’s going against my word, my honour will be gone… If I divorced I would never re marry or even look for anyone else I wouldn’t seek love from anyone, but I wouldn’t be this depressed or this miserable, if I were single… I wouldn’t have to put my self through all of this crap.
I don’t know if there is an answer, but I know I need to work out what to do because my wife isn’t even thinking of this as serious.
I’ve been married to my college sweetheart for 16 years. He is a good man. He provides for me, he puts my physical pleasure first, doesn’t look at porn, he practices good hygiene etc. BUT… I feel like my sole purpose in life is to serve his sexual needs (and provide him with children to pass on his genes. ) HUGE turn off. Every day he tells me how hot I look, how bad he wants to take me to the bedroom, hurries home if he knows I’m taking a shower, etc. Great. It would be so SO sexy if he would help me get the household taken care of, get the kids in bed (lovingly) and mainly, compliment me on my characteristics NOT my physical attributes. I just want to be loved for something more than my… figure. I want him to recognize and like who I am as much as how I look. It’S degrading and hurtful, even though he thinks he’s paying me compliments.
My husband’s constant “compliments” actually make me feel quite worthless, causing depression and anxiety at bed time. I’ve come to dread sex, though it’s often great, and sometimes I’m so hurt by his begging, I just let him do it and pray it goes quickly.
@maggie; how often do you make love with your partner on average? Do you ever make the move on your man or do you show no interest or affection and treat the situation as a task? Maybe he thinks he has to try harder because your not showing interest?
Try giving him more affection during the day, not sexual things, dont give sexual hints, but maybe a hug or a kiss on the cheek, tell him you love him. My wife does this everyday and I enjoy her random hugs very much, I find myself less needy for intimacy when my wife shows she loves me and shows I’m needed.
I think it’s important both partners should try making romantic love and try climaxing togethor and if they truely love eachother it shouldn’t be looked at like a job a chore, a issue, it should be desired!
If you treat it like a job I would be suprised he wants to be with you at all, he’s suppose to be your lover. If it was treated like that I think he would either want you more to get the feeling he can satisfy you because he currently isn’t or he’s thinking you have no interest anymore, show him you love him and need him.
I don’t beg nor push my wife, I never treat making love as a chore, I don’t look at our love making life as an urge just for me I want my wife to want me as much as I want her.
I very much enjoy having my sexual needs met, they are not extreme or dirty or foul, I desire hugging, touching, kissing, pure love making, romance is my big desire if my wife were to treat the situation as “hurry up and finish” I believe I would lose affection and desire for her as she would lack it in me, if she was to treat our sex life like that I would be disappointed and potentially lose interest, possibly think of negative reasons, think negative, think of a breakup etc.
I do everything I can for my wife, she has more free time than me, I literally have none. But I don’t care because she is happy and I think we have a perfect relationship. I enjoy working and I enjoy life.
Life is about living your short time on the world encountering as much about living as you can possible, it may be new experiences, living with your loving husband, having children(re-creating life), enjoy life… Enjoy experiencing happiness, depression, fresh air, beauriful clouds, travelling, different cultures. Never waste a moment in life, it’s very short and you can only live once.
Sex begins in the kitchen? I wish! Doing housework, running errands and buying her flowers and clothes, and even becoming a better listener for her still leaves me heart-broken and sex-starved. She has tension and tiredness from work and helping others, but won’t schedule sex with me. When she 1st started refusing I was so shocked, felt like treachery had been dealt to me, and reacted negatively, which built another moat around her. I’ve stopped that, but now she’s distracted with things not ” having a place and everything in its place”. (And the things she is referring too are hers and mine.) I can’t afford to get a motel 2-3 times week for sex, and if I am that purposeful for sex, she can get turned off. So I have to aim at fulfilling all the stages of bonding, have everything picked up/put away and pray for time, energy and opportunity to be in confluence, and not seem too purposed for sex. To get grandchildren to be watched she only has to be asked, so I’m trying to work/live/love her to the level where I can just ask, or what is so wonderful sometimes, to be invited-and ENTHUSIATICALLY! I have offered to give her a back and foot massage that gently morphs into oral sex for her with NO demand to return the favor and it is No so far. –Looking forward to the future!!! ?