marriage problems, sexual intimacy, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
5 Things Husbands Do that Turn Their Wives OFF Sexually
Aug
I’m often accused of rallying around sexually-deprived husbands (figuratively, mind you) way more than I come to the defense of the wives who are doing the refusing.
Guilty as charged. I admit it.
The emails of exasperated husbands flood into my in-box, and I find myself wanting to have long heart-to-heart conversations with their wives about the cost of neglected sexual intimacy.
(It’s not like I can’t relate. I was once a wife long ago who was doing the neglecting, so we would definitely have that kindred soul thing going on).
Yes, I do tend to write in the direction of wanting wives to stop going on lock down when it comes to sex.
Even so, I get that there are things husbands do (or don’t do) that make it emotionally and physically difficult for their wives to connect with them sexually.
Husbands, here are 5 things that really turn wives off sexually…
1. Lack of personal hygiene.
I’m not saying she never looks out at you all sweaty and mowing the lawn in your faded college shirt and doesn’t think to herself, “Man, I want some of that!”
BUT, in general, if you want her to get naked with you, you better be taking care of the basics…
- Shower often and wash your hair
- Brush your teeth often
- Keep your fingernails and toenails clean and trimmed
- Trim hairs growing out of your nose and ears
- Wear clean and appropriately fitting clothing
- Come to bed smelling at least clean and maybe even with a little cologne on
Here’s the kicker: Don’t just pay attention to personal hygiene when you want sex. That compounds it all as a big turn off. “He’s willing to clean himself up when he wants in me, but I’m really not worth it the rest of the time he’s around me.” That’s what she’s thinking.
2. Looking at porn.
Wives hate it when their husbands look at porn.
Any wife who says she “doesn’t mind” or that she “likes it” is lying or deceived.
If and when you as a husband gaze upon the pornographic images of women and/or anyone in a sexually charged situation, it devalues your wife.
She feels alone.
She feels like she doesn’t measure up.
She views what you’ve done as adulterous, even if she won’t come right out and say it.
Pornography in any form (on your phone, tablet, computer, television, DVDs, magazines) diminishes and ultimately destroys any hope of authentic and profound sexual intimacy with your wife. Same goes with visiting strip clubs or “adult entertainment” venues with scantily-clad waitresses or dancers.
You can’t have it both ways.
You can’t have phenomenal sex with the woman you are in a covenant relationship with AND simultaneously feed your porn habit. You. Can’t. Do. It. Any sex you have with your wife is going to be medicore at best and non-existent at worst. The negative effects of porn are so damaging.
3. Wanting someone to join the two of you in bed.
I know some of you may think it is outlandish that I would even suggest there are husbands requesting this sort of thing, but it does happen. I personally know wives whose husbands have thought it “completely reasonable” that they invite another woman (or, in some cases, another man) into their bed.
Sometimes, the husband wants a threesome. Sometimes he just wants to watch his wife sexually with another person.
Some husbands will go to great lengths to make such a request more palatable, but mark my words, your wife doesn’t want to do it. Same goes for spouse swapping or anything else along those lines.
And if she does agree to do it, that doesn’t make it right and it doesn’t mean she likes the idea. More than likely what it means is she sees no other alternatives to salvaging her marriage with you.
As a husband, you should be the protector of your marriage bed and a guardian of your wife’s heart. Don’t put her in any position where she has to compromise her values (or yours) by partnering with you in committing the sin of adultery.
4. Neglecting her emotionally.
I know this is an often over-generalized point: Wives need emotional connection to feel loved and guys need physical connection to feel loved.
Maybe a better way to state it is that a marriage void of emotional intimacy and physical intimacy will be prone to big chasms of distance, contempt and obligatory sex.
She’ll do it. But she’ll be doing it out of duty, rather than out of feeling profoundly connected to you.
This isn’t about bartering for sex or setting up patterns in your marriage where the mindset is “I’ll do this for you, if you do this for me.”
Rather, it’s about recognizing that there are no short cuts to authentic relationship. Fabulously delightful sex is the result of two people who have built a fabulously intimate friendship.
5. Downplaying the importance of her sexual pleasure.
Yes, more than likely, it will take her longer to climax than you.
That’s not always the case, but studies and good ol’ practical experience reveal that the clitoris is a bit more finicky than the penis. Add to this that women often have a harder time switching gears and getting in the mood for sex, and it’s no surprise that her having an orgasm is rarely going to be quick.
Go figure.
Even so, when sex is just about your own personal pleasure and you are only “in it to win it” for yourself, she will continue to see sex as a chore to just check off her list. “Get in, get done and let’s move on” will be the lens through which she looks.
She may even fake orgasm to either protect your ego or to just bring a quick resolution to the whole ordeal.
I once went to a wedding where the pastor looked directly at the groom during the ceremony and said, “I’m going to tell you something young man. You better satisfy her sexually or someone else will.”
Now, we can debate how appropriate the timing of his comment was, but there is much wisdom resonating in his words. He wasn’t saying she has a right to go elsewhere for her sexual satisfaction. He was saying that her orgasm matters and it’s her husband’s responsibility and privilege to bring her that intense pleasure.
Become a student of your wife’s body and never stop learning what it will take to please her sexually. Encourage her to tell you and show you what it will take for her to climax.
If you are a husband and you read through this list of 5 things, do you see where you could become more conscientious?
And a word of encouragement to all you wives… if indeed you have a husband who is paying close attention to these 5 things and striving to honor you with his heart, time and body, are you reciprocal? Don’t leave him wondering if you truly love him. He needs your love not just in word and theory, but in sexual action and attitude, too.
Turning each other on sexually is worth it! And it’s so much more fun than turning each other off.
Copyright 2013, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage blog.
Considering I 1) have great hygiene and have recently lost 15lb (not that I was big), 2) rarely look at porn, 3) don’t want a threesome, 4) help her through hard times like we are going through now, plus the every day, and 5) ensure she orgasms when we “do” make love (ie twice this year), something’s wrong.
Kwala you say something is wrong… but you already addressed it. You “rarely” look at porn..
If once in awhile is enough porn for you, why isn’t once in awhile enough sexual encounter for her?
Hey I’m talking like a few times a year. It is not the cause of my sexless marriage. Neither is every job I do around the house to help my wife, everything everyone suggests to me, the months and months of praying and crying out to God, people telling me it will work out, that God hears my prayers (yet doesnt seem to change anything). If you want to talk about sin affecting my marriage how about we address my wife sinning by not fulfilling my sexual needs? That’s not a few times a year; it’s every week. How about my wife showing more physical affection to her girlfriends (one in particular) than she ever does to me? Is she having an emotional affair? Is that why she doesn’t want to? Why doesn’t God sovereignly step in when I’ve done everything I can? I’ve sought professional help; they say I need to talk to my wife about it. Her response – “I don’t meet your needs so maybe you should find someone else”. Or she palms it off. So yeah how’s that for refusal/sexual sin? Now you know why I sometimes slip into looking at porn. And of course, for my occasional slip up, I’m crucified as the one causing this problem! What about my WIFE’s sin?
And here’s another one – I told my specialist about how depressed I get. She acknowledged it. I didn’t tell her about the self harming thoughts I get as a result of my lack of intimacy and sexless marriage. I will be telling her this week. Yet why won’t God intervene? Does He want me admitted to a psych ward? To hurt myself? The daily devotion says He hears me; that’s nice, but He’s not doing anything, as I spiral out of control. Now it’s your turn to suggest some action. Leave? As David said – “My tears have been my food day and night”.
I refused my husband for so long due to my own issues that now he refuses me. I am currently reading His Needs, Her Needs & Love Busters & participating in “The Love Dare” in order to work on my marriage. This is of course on top of seeking God’s direction and counsel in my marriage. I am certainly not one to offer the best advice but it sounds as though professional help as a married couple, rather than individually, may better serve your marriage. Read the books, I knew I was the problem in our marriage before, but then I thought I stopped being the problem until I read these 2 books. Now I realize just how much we both are still problems toward one another.
Thank you for your response; the problem is my wife denies there’s a problem, and would not go to counselling.
Julie,
I have to say I think you hit the nail on it’s head here. I have to praise my husband and say he does an amazing job at all 5 of these things. However, I have talked to many friends where these topics do arise!
Thank you for being open and honest about this topic!
Great list!
On the issue of hygiene, men need to understand that women (as a whole) have a much better sense of smell than men (as a whole). This is even more true around ovulation – when she is most interested in sex.
Points 1, 2, and 3 above one would think should be obvious to most husbands. Apparently they are not so obvious to some. Point #3 has been promoted by the porn industry for years.
Points 4 and 5 are very important, indeed, and they tie in with each other. Nourish your wife’s emotional needs, and she will likely desire to make love with you more often. As well, make the effort to bring her more sexual pleasure, and she will feel closer to you emotionally. These can be mutually reinforcing. The wife who feels loved and whose husband is genuinely concerned with her sexual fulfillment is likely to be more open to doing more sexually for her husband (such as trying different positions, and more oral sex).
My first husband was addicted to porn. I did not know anything about it until 7 years into my marriage and 2 kids later. I always felt second rate, he accused me of being a prude not wanting to act like the porn girls, wear what they wore etc. At one time I was so desperate to make my marriage work, I ended up watching pornography with him. I felt horrified and discussed. It amazing how those horrible images stick in your mind for a long time. I had to have deliverance to get that Satan uses that crap to destroy marriages. My ex husband was so verbally degrading, I became like him, talking really perverted. If a Christian met me during that time I accidentally offended them because my of how my ex would speak to me. I can’t empathize how much porn will literally destroy a marriage. A woman (or a man) can not compete with those images of perversion.
God Bless me with a wonderful husband 18 months ago.
Kwala…you DO have a sin problem. Sorry, but that’s the truth. You cry out to God and He doesn’t answer?? Repent of ANY involvement with porn! Ask God to deliver you from any desire for it! Be willing to learn HOW to lay it down! Do it for yourself, if not for your wife. Do it for Jesus, the One who paid for your sin! We all have sinned. And I am not being judgmental. So much in the scriptures says…”if you will, I will (God speaking)” Be willing to meet her needs and wants before your own. If she won’t go to counseling, YOU go to counseling. Show her she is worth it to you….if indeed she is. Again….any porn is sin. It is looking upon someone besides your wife to do one of several things for you. You know what those things are.
Kwala, watching porn ONCE is ONCE too much.
I never refuse my DH, but he refuses me. If my libido wasn’t so strong, I probably wouldn’t even initiate. He doesn’t look at out and out porn, but HBO provides plenty of skin and sexual stimulation, as does YouTube. He also doesn’t take care of my pleasure. I have to do it myself. He may contribute to hurry it up, but otherwise, no. It is killing me, though.
It’s like I never get laid since she had her tubes tied. I’m Really wondering how to get the sex driven girl I met back Really. I mean Really.
I don’t want to have sex with my husband, but i do. I find him to be unmasculine. Why? He approaches sex in a wishy washy way, and doesn’t have a very exciting plan for it. He also leaves almost all of the household repairs to me. He will plan dates for a few weeks and then get busy and forget. He isn’t the leader in the marriage. Neither am I. We don’t have one. We just float around aimlessly. I agree with that pastor. I hope I can isolate myself until menopause.
I would say no on the cologne, many of us women HATE cologne, personally it makes me gag and if my husband puts it on, I’m not going to be having sex, because I’m going to be spending my time gagging. I have many friends who also do not like cologne or really strong smelling soaps (like Axe…YUCK).
Kwala, you seem very reassured that it’s not your sin, and it’s all your wife. It may be, but you’re blasting the woman you’re supposed to love and honor on a blog, so I can only imagine that you may be mistreating her in real life as well. If you’re not and you’re a truly attentive husband, helpful husband, etc and you say you’ve been praying for months, well the Lord is trying to teach you something. If he’s not answering you in your time, you need to wait and be still. He may be wanting you to focus on something else. Maybe your wife’s own self esteem is in the toilet. Do you have children? Has her body changed over your marriage? The facts are God is not working on YOUR timeline, he works on his. Time for you to be obeying the Lord, stop down-grading your wife in all forms (verbally and online) shame on you.
You aren’t depressed because of lack of sex. You have a heart issue.
Hi Julie, thank you for your ministry. As a conservative Evangelical, I do think that marital intimacy is often neglected to our detriment. One question about this post: was this post directed towards Christian husbands? I ask because if a “Christian” man justifies a “threesome,” I would be concerned for his soul, not only his marriage, wouldn’t ya say?
Here we are discussing sex in a public forum. Can you imagine doing this in any discussion group at your church ? I have never seen it.
And even the mere mention of the word sex is taboo.
I agree, the 5 listed things are important. if only some wives want to have an orgasm, mine says she does not need it. But in the past she enjoyed orgasms, and I rejoiced for her pleasure.
How many wives do sexy dances for their husbands ? I have asked my wife for that, and I told her any sexy dance (semi-clothed or nude) she would do for me would be greatly appreciated, but she is not interested. How can a person be so selfish and self-centered ?
Those of us who dated and wed pre-internet did not always have a lot of really useful advice for marriage, but the singles today can access many Christian Marriage blogs, online books, videos, discussion groups, etc.
Both partners need to be honest with each other, and be one in developing their relationship. I will not say its only husbands it takes both to understands their role in building up their relationship. God created Husbands as the head of their household, wives God said for them to submit to their husbands.
In order for a wives to submit to their husbands needs or authority, first husbands must learn to love their wives in everywhere they can like how Jesus gave his life for the Church. I will not give it to my husband sexual needs until he gives me that kind of love and honest I deserve in this relationship……I don’t go for cheap sex as some wives are experiencing with their husbands, I will take my stand until he gives me his whole life the way Jesus did for the Church.
Thank you
@Mary… Maybe I’m playing devil’s advocate here, but what if your husband is saying to himself, “I won’t be the head of the household until she submits to me.”
God calls husbands and wives to love sacrificially, as Christ loved the church, but He doesn’t say “wait until the other person goes first.” What if Christ waited to love us until we loved Him first?
@KH… I didn’t direct this at Christian husbands specifically, but I addressed the “threesome” issue because I have known of both Christian and non-Christian husbands who request such a thing.
I agree with you that any spouse who says they are Christian yet requests something that is so blatantly outside the lines of God’s plan for marriage certainly is struggling with sin and deception.
I’m surprised that the “threesome” request would be on here. I don’t know of anyone (especially Christian) that has brought that up; of course, it’s not like this is light conversation but still. ???
I’ve gone through nearly 27 years of this being very lonely. If I had known that marriage was so freakishly lonely I wouldn’t have married in the first place because I cannot stand that feeling especially when lying in bed listening to my wife breath while she’s fast asleep and I’m awake for hours on end (if I sleep at all).
I appreciate the efforts of listing these simply 5 issues; but certainly not issues within my relationship.
I would like to mirror these 5 against the wives:
1- What about YOUR lack of hygiene?
Yeah, you don’t think you have odor? Ha-ha!
Do you keep your area tidy? I prefer no hair down there but that will never happen. I trim my body hair all over the place because I HATE body hair. And don’t gimme the God made us the way we are…. really? What a VERY shallow argument. seriously!
2- Do you care much about (if at all) you husband’s sex pleasure?
3- Are you EVER concerned about HIS emotions? Why is it that only woman’s emotions matter? Do guys not have emotions? Did we enter our teens and it slowly vanished? No, we’re just not as vocal about every little detail.
4- Do you show respect toward your spouse and while away from him?
5- Do you just take him for granted that he will just simply do his job and supply you money to live?
6- Do you EVER, EVER, EVER display your love for him? If so, can you ask him, “What may I do for you today to CAUSE you to FEEl loved?” Love is an action word. What is actions are being done to produce more love? Can your spouse SEE it? Feel it?
Christy, thanks for your reply. Can I suggest you come to my house, observe everything that happens in my family, how I treat and speak to my wife, and if you don’t like it, maybe then will you have the ammunition to say “shame on you”.
I do agree with you however on God’s timing.
When my daughters got married, I told each of them, “The only person you can change is yourself.” Now, I’m learning to follow my own advice. Sure, I would love for my wife to have a stronger libido. She doesn’t. We’ve discussed it many times over the past ten years. I’ve prayed and prayed for God to change *her*. But, just as Jesus loves his bride just as we are, he has blessed me with a woman to love *just as she is*. My sex life may never be what I have dreamed it would be, but I still vowed to love my wife unconditionally. So, I will. Don’t tell me that my new attitude will make her want to make love to me. That will only make me think about my own desires and not about meeting hers. My job is to love her, period.
@Mary – Please clarify what you mean by “cheap sex”. Maybe he wants to do his part quickly without adequate foreplay for you ? Show him what he needs to do, or maybe offer him a quickie so in the next interlude a few hours later he will not be so on the trigger and can spend lots more time on foreplay for you. Just maybe.
You say “husbands must first learn to love their wives in everywhere they can…” before you give him any sex. Ouch, that is kinda hard for men to do for more than a short while. Maybe both husband and wife could start being more generous at the same time.
You are asking for many things, he is asking for only one thing, basically, and that is an emotional need for a husband, too.
In the following link we read: Sex is so tied up in his ability to feel loved, that you’re basically saying to him: “I want you to shower me with affection and love me completely even if I don’t show you any love at all.”
http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2012/02/29-days-to-great-sex-day-6-why-your-hubby-wants-your-body/
I will have to admit that I read the other replies quickly and got interrupted in the middle, so I may be repeating something, if I am I am sorry.
I can understand why all of those reasons would be a problem for a wife. I would not blame her for being upset about any of them. If you are a man reading this, I would say, you need to make changes and to do it now.
However, I would say that if you are a wife who has a husband who is doing one or more of those things, that you need to not just use it as an excuse to not have sex and find a way to fix the problem. I know, that in most of these cases, the bulk of the work & change needs to be done by the husband, but it is the wife’s responsibility to help her husband in order to heal the relationship and make it whole again. A marriage needs to have sex in it, it is important.
I hope that there are no women out there who look at these problems and say, “Great now I have a reason to deny my husband.” Instead work on it, change him, make any changes that you need to make.
BTW – If you are a guy out there who is finding reasons to deny your wife, you need to fix that problem also and make the changes necessary to help the marriage better. Don’t blame each other, fix the problems.
@Kwala: I feel very sad for you, but I have to say, been there done that. We have been married over 25 years. We had a fantastic courtship, including arriving at our wedding as virgins. There were two things in particular that made me interested in marriage to her (besides her great looks and intelligence): we could talk about anything, and she responded to me (emotionally and physically as much as possible consistent with the law of chastity). And we had a great first year of marriage, with sex almost every day (and she had an orgasm most of the time). But after our first was born it was busy, sick, tired, busy, sick, tired, etc. ad infinitum. And the two things that were so important to me ceased: we couldn’t talk about sex and she didn’t respond to me, emotionally, romantically or very much sexually. Sex was down to a pretty predictable once every 5-7 days and that’s it. Oh, and she NEVER initiated. Even in sex she did little or nothing to enhance the experience for me. For many years I complained. Things would get a little better for about two weeks and then back to busy, sick, tired. It was tough to hang in there, and if it hadn’t been for our children I very much doubt I would have. But our children transformed my life. That’s isn’t to excuse my wife’s neglect, but at least I had something.
I write all this so you will know I understand. I really do.
But things have started to become somewhat better, beginning around December of last year. I don’t really know why, but here is one thing I did that I do think helped: I found and signed up for the emails from The Generous Husband (sent to my work email), and from the Generous Wife (sent to our home email) (The writers are married and TGH are written to men, and THW are written women). I try to read mine every morning and then I send it home to her to read. She isn’t as methodical about reading them as I am, but I think she does read them before deleting them. I think they have helped, and for several reasons. They come every day, so there is a little bit to think about every day. They are not all about sex, but there is a lot about sex. You will read many references to 1 Corinthians 7:1-5. As far as I am concerned, that is the Christian law of marriage. And if your wife reads both yours and hers she will see that the man is far harder on his male readers than the wife is on her female readers. We have dog we walk twice a day and it provides a time to discuss. I believe over time this had made a big impact on her.
Also, I think Julie’s writing is frequently linked at TGH and TGW. Julie has written a lot on this and she is fantastic.
Wow… JUST FIVE?
=)
Just because a man addresses these five and others doesn’t guarantee his wife will then be turned on. There’s more for the man to do (and not do), and there’s more for the wife to consider.
My wife is more in the mood when she knows she looks good. She feels better about herself and is more amorous.
Most women think about multiple things at once – something I can’t quite understand. It’s hard for a woman to be distraction-free during intimacy (at any level or stage), but it’s something they have to work at AND something us guys have to contribute to – by NOT being a distraction and removing any existing or potential distractions that we can.
As for us guys, we need to be a man women desire: Look better and lose weight (is that snack or extra helping *really* better than sex? Because you may be saying so and not really realizing it). Identify her love language and ‘speak’ it. Show that you care about becoming better in your job – not by spending more time there, but showing initiative in becoming more valuable (and subsequently more highly regarded there). Read books. Turn off the TV except for family time shows and movies. Show her you still have the ‘alpha dog’ qualities of taking care of things out and around the house, but tender enough to share the burdens inside.
I worked on myself as much as I could (and have more to go). My wife looked into options and discovered testosterone pellets – implanted into her hip in her dr’s office. We have gone from have sexual intimacy 3-5 times per year to (at first) 3-5 times per week — and that is no exaggeration. And our lovemaking has been deep and, at times, quite varied. And we’re in our mid-40s. The pellets are NOT an immediate fix to your sexless marriage. There has to be more going on between you to ensure communication is right and all other levels of personal connection are in place, if not improving. And I was fortunate that she looked into it, rather than me bringing it up (heck, I didn’t know about that option anyway).
I wish more was covered on that, but there’s plenty more to it than that, too. So please seek a balanced, unified approach to comprehensive marriage fulfillment. There are no easy buttons.
I must comment that I take some offense at the hygiene statement, somewhat implying that men are feral pigs as far as cleanliness goes. Quite the opposite, it’s women that need to watch the feminine hygiene. All the Christian husbands I know are average to fit in appearance, clean, don’t smell and don’t have bad breath. And those very same husbands are always wondering if their wives will be interested in sex (“is tonight the night?”). One item you should tell women is that 8 out of 9 women after marriage admit to “letting themselves go”. It’s far more likely that females gain weight than men. They quit shaving their legs as often as they did when they were dating, and let feminine cleanliness be a once-in-a-while thing. “You’re supposed to love me the way I am” is one of the most destructive, yet common, cries of married women I hear. Please stop the stereotype of all men are smelly beasts. I am one of the cleanest men you’ll encounter, and am very aware of odors. The ladies, by their design, have far more things to watch for hygiene than men do.
@Anonymous…. you need to look at the bulk of my site to understand that I wasn’t saying all men are feral pigs. This particular post is about things some husbands do that turn their wives off. The reality is that there are some husbands who do these things.
I’m not denying that hygiene is an issue for some women as well. But that wasn’t the topic of this particular post. I have many other posts on the site that address things women do that inhibit or destroy intimacy.
LOL!! Interesting that I found this site. We’ve been married nearly 15 years, and I can count the number of times we had sex on fingers, and maybe a toe or two! I discovered that my husband had an addiction to porn almost immediately after we moved in together. This was a 2nd marriage for us both, we were over 40, so when I first came upon his duffle bag full of videos, I dismissed it as the leftovers from batchelor-hood. Then, the addiction moved to the computer, but all was kept in a guest bedroom. I thought maybe something was wrong with me. I continued to go to church anyway, and sometimes he would attend and promise to stop viewing porn. He didn’t, and gradually our sex life ceased to exist altogether. He was having such difficulty maintaining any type of erection, then nothing. I found he was still looking at porn because from time to time his computer would spam my email with porn sites he had visited. And still I’ve stayed, and still I pray for him and our marriage. I have considered affairs, but I can’t because I am married and fear God. Now I’m in my early 50’s and this has simply become my life. Our children are quite grown now, and we are even grandparents. I try very hard to stay busy, but unfortunately I still have a very strong desire for intimacy. He is nearly 60, so I just believe that ED is pretty set in. If a man will not desire his wife (and for the record, I’m not overweight, keep myself up, wear a bit of make-up, good hygiene and everything,) what can you do?
Just curious – do wives mention a desire for their husbands to get “manscaping”?
I think one missing ingredient in this conversation is the word commamd. Respecting your spouse is not an option . Loving your spouse is not an option.
Jesus did not wait to die on the cross until we deserved it. Men are commanded to love their wives, there is no clause that allows us to withhold love because she doesn’t respect us! Wives are commanded to respect their husbands! We must remember that we are responsible for our own sins. Disdobeying what God has commanded is a sin. We are to put God first in our lives and our spouses second. Sex out of marriage is a sin! That being said if we are married and have a need for Sex (A need put there by our creator) then we must seek sex solely with each other.. Not porn, not books not by ourself. This is God’s will and design. Sex with your spouse out of Duty to your spouse is not the way God intended it to be! If we do ALL things to glorify God and his will then we are pleasing our Lord. God designed us, he designed marriage and he desinged sex. To consciously refuse sex to your spouce is a conscious choice to refuse refuse what God deems as good!
great points you raised here. but what will you say when your woman request that both of you watch porn movies especially when you want to make love?
@solomon… if your wife wants to watch porn, absolutely refuse. There is no room for porn in any relationship, let alone a marriage.
Porn tarnishes the exclusivity of the marriage bed, because it brings into the lovemaking third parties, even if they are not actually. Also, porn typically objectifies women and men (and sadly, sometimes children), and is far, far removed from what God envisions for healthy sexuality and sexual intimacy.
This is a common issue. Women often marry because it means they don’t need to be sexual any more. Men mistakenly think it means we get to have sex with our wives. There are exceptions.
My rules for managing the lack of sex issue is as follows 1) never try to have sex or show your sexuality to your wife if she is not the sex type. That just leads to all that rape and pervert talk that a few women on this forum have described. Last thing I need is a wife who believes I’m a sexual predator, 2) stay fit. Make sure you remain sexually attractive to women who still notice these things. Either your wife may become sexual again and appreciate it, or she will divorce you/run off with someone else and you will be in a position to “go back to market” 3) master the art of redirecting your sexual energy. Don’t turn to porn or adultery.be a better dad, a friend to your wife and invent the next big thing for mankind. For my part, I joined the Coast Guard reserves. Tough thing for a man in a sexual relationship to commit too, but when there is little difference between talking in person and by Skype, though weekends and weeks away are 100% painless. Hope these tips help.
DEAR kwala,
I feel bad for you, not just because of what you are going through but also because of the comments made as a result of your posting.
Firstly, people here assume that your wife knows that you watch porn sometimes. I’m guessing you hide it as most men do. And considering you do it sometimes only, she probably doesn’t know. So from her point of view, you don’t actually watch porn.
Secondly, your problem is VERY common, a couple of drinks with a stranger and he will probably make a similar content about how he has to wait for his birthday months away for something as small as a blow job – which will be done as a favour anyway.
Some guys are lucky where the great sex that almost all of us have BEFORE and probably for a few years after marriage either continues or they find that their wives are happy to sit down and deal with the issue of a dwindling sex drive – in which case you should do your best at it.
But as another poster said that his wife doesn’t even think there is a problem – and I think this is the majority – shows it all.
Believe me, at the courting stage, the beautiful woman you are going crazy about won’t care if you constantly smell of beer and smoke – which most of us probably did when we were young.
In my opinion, most women (I am not generalising all women, but I do believe that this is the majority in western /modern society) realise that they don’t really need to have great sex with their husbands anymore… Cos what are they gonna do? Leave? Yeah right.
The reason you got married is you are probably a ‘nice guy’ and she knows you are not going to leave.
In my opinion, the only reason your wife will start showing invest in you sexually ever again is if she knows that you are extremely unhappy and that there is a danger you might cheat – even that will continue until she thinks the danger has passed.
Being a ‘nice’ guy, you probably won’t cheat anyway… So your nice period won’t last long and will just add to your frustration.
If you want to move ahead and stop the constant torture that you are going through and I completely understand those feelings, start reading some books and STOP asking for sex – ever. Don’t ever ask for sex again.
Just think about it, do you really want the pity sex offered by her twice a year? What did that do for you? Apart from one good half an hour, a period of frustration again sets in as it just doesn’t happen again… Does it?
Move ahead and accept that she is not interested sexually anymore, and the only reason she may have more is cos YOU are unhappy. If she wanted more sex with you, she would be having it – sometimes it is really just that simple – no matter how much other women might try and tell you otherwise.
Do you think your wife is actually gonna tell you – ‘darling, I actually can do without it completely, in fact I prefer it this way baby, let’s just live happily ever after and grow old together’ – no she won’t.
Here are some suggestions for reading. And one last thing – stop feeling bad for yourself, accept your situation and MOVE ON.
1. no more Mr nice guy
2. The married man sex life primer (only if she suddenly magically wants to work on the sex life – otherwise it’s a waste of time for you)
3. The manipulated man – dont take this too seriously, it’s a bit crazy but I know you will relate to it.
Good luck and stop being unhappy.
I suppose this falls into the emotional needs category, but husbands need to know that refusing to engage in conversation can dampen a wife’s interest.
This morning I confided in my husband about not understanding until recently that sex has an emotional component for him and that his frequent comments about other women’s beauty led me to believe he would prefer self stimulation to being with me. (If he wants them and I don’t look like them, he must not want me.)
His response was to avoid eye contact, change the subject and leave the room.
In some ways, conversation is to women what sex is to men. I felt I took a risk by sharing some intimate information and was left hanging. Perhaps I should have chosen a different time.
We have sex 3-4 times a week and I enjoy it–a lot! But today, instead of looking forward to our evening together, I am wondering why he wouldn’t talk with me.
Maybe this scenario will help some one who reads these posts.
I am still struggling with “Keeper of the Visual Rolodex: Why it’s so natural for him to look and so hard to forget what he’s seen.” (For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn)
How can I feel respected in the bedroom if I must wonder whether my husband is picturing having sex with another woman when he is with me? How can I trust that he wants me (not just sex) when the research shows that “even happily married men struggle with being pulled toward live and recollected images of other women”?
I celebrate that God created my husband with physical, emotional, relational and spiritual needs for sexual intimacy. And I am doing my best to understand and meet those needs. But how can we have true intimacy with all these images in his mind?
I was created with a need to be the only one my husband desires sexually. And he is wired in a way that makes it impossible for him to meet this need. It seems there is a double standard: he has sexual desire for many women but needs me to desire only him.
I’ve been trying to ignore this issue and focus on positive aspects of our relationship, but I need find resolution and release from feelings of inadequacy and failure. I would appreciate hearing some encouragement from others, especially husbands.
My husband of 12 years has never quite been on point with his hygeine. He did well when we initially met. I have become fed up and spoken to him several times about it. It has improved some but took many years for him to even shave on a regular basis. He does not shave, brush his teeth, comb or cut his hair or bathe on a regular basis. Just the other day he made the comment that now since the weather is getting warmer he can get his haircut. Smh what kind of crap is that?I think he may take a bird bath or shower once a week. Who knows how often he changes his underwear? We haven’t slept together in years anyway. I don’t think we’ve had sex in a year. He doesn’t change his clothes or keep his wardrobe up to date at all. Nails and hands are awful. agree with not only taking care of hygiene only when they want sex. That is a total turnoff. I used to have sex only because I felt obligated to do so. No more. I have come to the conclusion that if he doesn’t care enough to take care of something as simple as that then he doesn’t love or respect me enough. He should also do it for himself and as an example for our 2 girls. This isn’t the only issue we have. I cannot continue dealing with this.
Jenna! My word…I assure you that I am male and am the cleanest guy you’d ever meet. Do not make judgements about all men based upon your husband!
You are also correct that your spouse’s hygiene and weight show their love for YOU. I have a friend whose wife gained 60 pounds in their first year of marriage, and she looked like his mother in under 12 months after marriage.
If you can’t stay neat & clean, I’m not kissing you!
You don’t have a marriage, you’re living two separate lives under one roof. Why is this good enough? You deserve better!
No women wants a man to touch her if he veiws women like sex objects, I know for me that is the biggest turn off.
#1 is a huge one for me because my husband rarely brushes his teeth, so we can’t have spontaneous intimacy because I have to say “let’s go brush our teeth and go to bed.” And it sounds so planned. But also, I’m extremely ticklish. If my husband tries to caress my arms, stomach, anywhere, it tickles and I get squeamish and it’s uncomfortable. Physical touch doesn’t work for me so we’re stuck in a rut.
I have a great sexual relationship w my fiance. But I his first marriage they was into church an somehow ended up swingers. I have never been in that position. I have done somethings in my past when I was younger but now I’m older I see sex in a different way. I don’t get how he does not want us to cheat. But in alot of his porn that’s what’s happening. I see it as a slap in the face when I do please my future husband dress up let him tie me up ex.. so I don’t know how to respond to it..
@Rebecca… thank you for taking the time to comment. Sex is meant for the exclusivity of marriage, so anything outside of that does not honor the Lord. I can’t tell you what to do, but I think you would be wise to seek God’s vision for sex, which would not include sex outside of marriage or sex with other people.
I recognize you are in a difficult situation, but continuing on the path of giving your fiancé whatever he wants sexually is not likely to lead to a solid foundation for a future marriage.
Thank you again for stopping by the blog to read and comment.
I am 53. My husband is 55. We haven’t had sex in years. I haven’t been able to sleep in the bedroom for quite some time because my husband’s snoring has become unbearable, as the weight has snuck on, and I believe that this has caused him to develop apnea which compounds the snoring issue. He snores so loud he wakes my son, whose bedroom is on the other side of the bedroom wall, so getting ANY sleep in the same room was not possible at all. I have said the weight is a turnoff, and his reply is that it is natural for people to gain a few pounds as they get older, everyone does, and there is something wrong with me because I still weigh the 120 lbs. I weighed when we got married, especially after having four babies. That, he says, is NOT NORMAL! He also has decided he will keep his goatee, even though he knows I get a rash if I kiss him with wiskers. I also have never had any appetite at all for sex, and our entire marriage, I never have had an orgasm. Since menopause, as my hormone levels have returned to the non;existent level that it would have been at when I was about 8 years old, I feel about sex as I would have at that age. Hormones play a big part in sex. They are necessary for arousal, pleasure, orgasm. No hormones, no arousal, pleasure, or orgasm. It is just not medically, physically possible. Since menopause, even the thought of having sex is repulsive…makes my skin crawl. And his idea of initiating intimacy is saying “hey, you want to sex me up? Makes me feel like a piece of meat. Nevermind that he criticizes, controls, yells at me all the time, and is only even remotely decent when he wants sex. Why is is wrong for me to not want to have sex any more after menopause? I think it is just as wrong for a man to continue to expect his wife to “put out” after he knows she will never ever want or enjoy sex again? If they truly love their wives as Christ loved the church, they should be understanding, not selfish, insisting their needs be satisfied regardless. Maybe it’s just me because I never liked sex anyway, but it would seem to me that giving up sex after 50 shouldn’t be a big deal, especially if he knows it is anything but a good experience for his wife.
@Heidi: Giving up sex at any age is not an easy thing. You might consider counseling for the both of you. But if your husband requires sex, then as his spouse, you’re supposed to be giving it to him.
.
But that does not mean you are a doormat (or something worse).
.
He should be making it as easy as possible for you to be responsive. Things like goatee should probably go. Attitude should improve. And such.
.
The Bible is quite explicit that marriage is a sexual relationship that is supposed to last throughout your lives:
.
Prov 5:18-19:
“Let your fountain be blessed,
and rejoice in the wife of your youth,
a lovely deer, a graceful doe.
Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight;
be intoxicated always in her love.
”
Neither party holds a “key” (1 Corinthians 7:1-5), it is a co-operative effort. Should your spouse become more of the gentleman you expect and deserve him to be, you might find your desire not so elusive. But he cannot run all over you. Pray for guidance and seek counseling, either in your church or professional. Your spouse may have to settle on a limited frequency, but it is give and take for both spouses. Imagine him truly sweeping you off your feet like you have always wanted to be, and it is possible your feelings could be persuaded if he truly puts out the effort to do so.
.
My prayers go with you.
Point number 4 – emotional neglect – could probably be expanded considerably. Most of us who have been married any time at all (i.e., more than 24 hours!) should have learned by now that sex doesn’t begin in the bedroom. The groundwork needs to be set and the mood established long before you end up in the bedroom. I am not just talking about minutes or hours before, either, but all the time, really. If either spouse wants to be treated well by the other in the bed (or even just get them in the bed), then they need to be at least trying to treat them well all the time.
My husband and I of 2 years are the best of friends, respect each other, we are attracted to each other and are very much in love. Here’s the problem: His libido is low and I had a hysterectomy years ago. Before that any position brought me to climax. Now only me on two bending forward gets me there. Unfortunately it does not work for him. We are having sex under 10 times a year and most of those end with either no erection or me being removed from the top position and him being the only one to climax. He doesn’t believe in oral sex for me so I am pretty much depressed and completely at a loss. If I could change my physical necessities to reach orgasm I would. I am in desperate need of advice because things are just turning bad.
Where do I start. I am always clean. Don’t want a threesome. Listen and care emotionally. Do 75 percent of household chores. When we do have sex (very rare) I give a long massage and take time and make sure she is pleased. I forgave her affair a few years ago. Should have been the first clue. Duh! It’s no different for women then men. If they don’t want and actively initiate sex with you it means they may love sex, just not with their spouse. It doesn’t matter how emotionally connected you are, how romantic, chores you do or anything like that. It’s about are they horny for you or not. Don’t over analyze it. So now I look at some porn. After 5 years of this stuff. I’m in my 50’s, not dead. Ok, so she’s not attracted to me anymore. Better than cheating (though maybe I will just leave soon), like some choose to do and then blame their spouse. If she’s not asking for sex, she doesn’t want it, from you (me) anyway.