intimacy, marriage problems, sexual intimacy, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
Does Your Husband Demand Certain Sex Acts?
Nov
Recently I received an email from a concerned wife whose husband was demanding she swallow his semen during oral sex.
This is just one of a variety of sexual demands that can show up in the marriage bed.
One person is insisting and the other person is resisting and this dynamic is causing horrendous discord, not just in bed, but in the marriage in general.
For this post, I’m referring to demands that could fall into the broad camp of “sexual variety.”
Certainly there are several spouses out there who are receiving no (or very little) sexual intimacy, and some have wondered if they can be more stern (or demanding?) in expressing their need for sexual attention.
That is a big topic. For another post.
For today, I want to explore this matter of “demanding” certain sexual acts.
Other than someone ordering someone to do something, how else do we determine something is a demand?
Below are some indicators:
- It is veiled as a request, but the tone and manner in which it is delivered suggest otherwise. We know when we are being bullied rather than lovingly encouraged.
- It is laced with the “If you really loved me, you would do this” phrase… a shiny wrapping paper that at its minimum is supposed to soften the blow and at the maximum is meant to corner someone into questioning the depth of their love. “Maybe my husband is right. If I really loved him, I would do this, right?”
- It potentially pushes the envelope or clearly crosses boundaries of what is sexually acceptable from a biblical standpoint.
- If the demand is not met, then there is punishment of some sort, usually of the passive-aggressive variety. “Well, if you won’t do this, then we might as well not have sex at all. I’ll just take care of things myself.”
We could go into lengthy debate as to why sexual demands even show up in a marriage.
My very unscientific theory would be we can trace demands right back to one or more of the below…
- Past promiscuity (“My ex-girlfriend did this and I enjoyed it.”)
- Pornography (“I saw this on-line [or heard about it] and I want to try it!”)
- A desire to exert control (“I will show her who is in charge.”)
- Spiritual ignorance or carelessness (“What is her big hang up about this, anyway?!!”)
- Immature communication skills (“I told her what I wanted. Doesn’t she hear what I’m saying?!”)
Sexual demands. Coercing someone into doing something they don’t want to do sexually.
I know this should go without saying, but if something is outside of God’s plan for sexual intimacy in marriage, then obviously the request/demand is sinful. Participating would be compromising on God’s standards.
While there are a variety of examples, the one that comes to my mind and heart the quickest is anything that would damage the exclusivity of the sexual relationship. Threesomes, pornography, spouse swapping. God’s Word is abundantly clear on why this sort of behavior is off limits.
But what about something that doesn’t fall outside God’s plan, but still is being presented as a demand upon a hesitant spouse?
Let’s look at this closer by using the example of the husband demanding his wife swallow his semen during oral sex.
I have heard from many a husband who say that it would mean so much to them to have their wife swallow.
They go into lengthy and heartfelt reasons. They would genuinely feel received and loved by their wife, they would emotionally feel closer in that moment, they would be able to enjoy the oral pleasure to its fullest, and so on.
Those are all valid expressions of why they like it — and we could easily put those reasons on many sexual variety circumstances. In fact, those whys listed above all are rooted in genuine God-honoring emotions, right? I have a few whys of my own as to some things I enjoy sexually with my husband.
The problem arises when the why — even a God-honoring why — drifts into justification for turning a sexual request into a sexual demand.
We are diving into treacherous waters whenever we demand something sexually that our spouse clearly has reservations about.
Pleasure at all costs can hardly be what God envisioned, right?
“But the Bible doesn’t say oral sex is wrong! The Bible doesn’t say a wife swallowing her husband’s semen is wrong!”
Such pleas, though ringing with rock-solid truth, are hopelessly hollow when we sift them through these verses:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)
“[The Word of God] judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.” (Hebrews 4:12-13)
Love must always be our guiding compass.
Requesting something in a tone of love? I don’t see anything wrong with that. Demanding it? Well, obviously by this point in the post, you know what I think about that.
And just for the record, lest anyone think I’m picking too harshly on husbands who are demanding certain sexual acts, I do think we as wives must always sift our refusals through those above verses as well.
Again, I’m talking about sexual requests that do not fall outside God’s parameters for sexual intimacy in marriage.
If you are refusing something simply to be spiteful or manipulative — rather than because of legitimate concerns, reservations or difficulties — then I think your refusal grieves God’s heart too.
Just as a request should be made with a heart motive of love and kindness, a refusal should be given with the same tone of authentic love.
Deep abiding sexual intimacy is drenched in open, vulnerable and compassionate communication.
God’s always looking at the motive of the heart. Always.
Copyright 2012, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
This just makes me angry. A husband (or wife) who demands ANYTHING in bed is being insensitive and unloving toward the hesitant spouse. In the example you’re using, I can’t imagine such a wife even wanting to give her husband oral stimulation at all if that is his attitude. If he could accept what she is willing to do and show appreciation, she might just begin to expand her comfort level. The demands are just clouding the whole act with stress and resentment. From my own personal perspective, it was a long time before I was willing to give my husband any kind or oral sex, even though he was always very willing and generous with me. He never complained and never pressured. After a while, I decided that I really wanted to please him in the same way that he was pleasing me. I do not however want him to ejaculate in my mouth, and he is always very sensitive and understanding about this. Recently though, I’m finding myself not only pleasuring him orally more, but contemplating letting him ejaculate in my mouth. If he were pressuring me, I would feel hurt, angry and manipulated, but instead, he is very appreciative which makes me want to please him even more. Honestly, if these kinds of demands are being made, a couple needs to seek out a counselor. It doesn’t sound like a healthy marriage at all.
My abusive ex-husband used to really put the pressure on me to do things sexually that I did not want to do and I believe it all stemmed from his viewing of porn. And if I hesitated or said no, he labeled me frigid and just “no fun.” And I came to believe it, thinking I was abnormal.
My husband I’m with now is completely different. I for the longest time did not give him oral even though he always does that for me, but he never asked me too either. The thought of giving oral brought back too many memories for me of being forced to do it and my ex holding me until I finished.
My new husband on the other hand has never, ever demanded anything of me sexually and from the beginning only wanted to please me. It was me that decided one time while making love that I really wanted to pleasure him orally and I now truly enjoying doing it for him. But we use it as foreplay and he has never asked nor seems to want me to swallow. He would rather climax during intercourse.
Side note: I cannot come during intercourse so he always brings me to climax before he does and he always wants to climax inside of me.
There should never be sexual demands between a husband and a wife nor should there be punishment if one is turned down when asking the other to do something they are not comfortable with.
That is not a healthy relationship, it is controlling and quite possibly abusive. I know, I’ve been there and now being in a healthy marriage with mutual love and respect, there are no demands made of the other in any aspect of the marriage, and that is how it should be.
Great post as always! 🙂
“…my ex holding me until I finished”
That sounds like sexual assault.
Julie – Are you ready for a comment storm? 😉
I agree with you on this, and I think you did a good job. I think your reasons list is very good.
The argument (there is a thread with hundreds of posts about this on TMB right now) is that the way a man learned of a sex act is irrelevant. I don’t buy that, but a lot of guys are trying to sell it. If she has forgiven him, then how he learned of it (especially porn or past girlfriends) should not matter. I keep saying forgiveness does not end consequence, but that’s not popular.
You are right on with the issue of love – how can love demand something sexually? I can’t imagine enjoying something my wife was doing sexually if I knew it was offensive to her.
Very insightful piece. As the husband of a DW that prefers our marriage bed to be vanilla – it is a very difficult subject to address at times. I am always the one to initiate new ideas, but don’t ever do it with demands or guilt. I have realized (over 17+ years of marriage) that new bedroom ideas are like seeds that need to be nurtured and watered before there is any need for action. To say to her “I demand we try this” would backfire in my face and make it even harder to try in the future. To carry the metaphor further, the soil needs to be fertile to plant any seed. Why would my wife want to try any act if I was being a jerk about it? That would be like planting stuff in Georgia Red Clay. I’ve found that ideas for the MB take years before comfort is there to try. And guess what – some become part of the routine and some do not. That is the great thing about being married to your spouse – you grow together!
Thanks everyone for stopping by and commenting! Really appreciate it. I know this is a complex issue and hard to address every circumstance in one post. That’s why I really tried to bring it back to the question, “Is love the guiding compass?” It has to be for sure if we want anything to be endearing and mutually valued and God honoring.
Thanks again!
Demands like above can definitely be considered unloving, stressful and damaging. However, the bible is pretty clear about wives. Be subject to your husbands in all things. Even when the husband is ungodly. Unless by submitting to him you would be disobeying God, but that is not what this post was including. If you chose poorly by marrying your husband or things have spiralled into a poisonous dynamic, submitting can feel pretty awful. But the bottom line is you either choose to obey God or obey your feelings. Rebellion against God’s design of husband/wife roles is at the heart of feminism. I still see a lot of feminism on Christian sites, often disguised as insubordination in the name of love.
We’ll have to agree to disagree on a few things @jsr, but appreciate you stopping by.
I think the nature of some sexual “demands” really push the limits and would be considered abusive, at which point a wife very much would be wise to approach the elders of her church for support rather than just sitting back and submitting to such abuse.
Great post, Julie. I also hear from spouses who have had sexual demands given to them. That’s not the nature of godly, healthy sexuality in marriage.
The problem also with asserting a demand as “Here are all the reasons I want to do ___…” is that your mate might also have their own list of “Here are all the reasons why I don’t want to do ____…” If you merely appeal to your own pleasure, it’s not usually a convincing argument because it says that your own desires are more important than your spouse’s. However, if you can make a case why something should be included in your sex life (that isn’t unbiblical) that behooves your partner or increases the intimacy between the two of you, that is far more focused on what should be the guiding principle.
Beautifully done!
jsr – Sapphira agreed to lie with her husband Ananias. God killed her for that sin. I submit based on this that the Bible does not require a woman to be subject to her husband when he is being ungodly.
But I suppose it’s nice for the guy if he can sell that to his wife. No actually I don’t, I want a real woman, not a puppet.
My DW learned how to let me finish climaxing when she is giving me OS because when I am giving her a climax she holds onto my head for dear life! But she removes, not swallows. Since I am delighted to drink her, I hope we can work up to mutuality, with the help of coconut oil and flavored lube. But demand? NO!
I’ve learned over the 15 years of marriage that demanding is not the way to get her to do what I want in the bed. Patience, love, and nurturning her in LM and non-sexually outside of the bedroom is. With that said it is no less painful and frustrating to know that me and my wife still are not exercising all the freedom and pleasure that can be found in our marriage bed. If any group of people should be able to freely practice it should be us who do it within God’s covenant of marriage.
Very well done, Julie. And adding the line, ” I do think we as wives must always sift our refusals through those above verses as well.”, completes it. And I agree with ‘workinprogress” “Honestly, if these kinds of demands are being made, a couple needs to seek out a counselor. It doesn’t sound like a healthy marriage at all.” But if requests are always met with “no”, then I have to believe the same rule applies. “It doesn’t sound like a healthy marriage at all.” Like you said it needs to be sifted by those same scriptures, not just our feelings. If we were never to do anything we weren’t comfortable with, we would have never learned how to walk. We’d probably still be living at home; well, no, I wouldn’t be at home; it wasn’t comfortable there. And of course everything else about growing up I had to be a little bit pressued to do. Speak in Public? yea, right. I would never have got close to that one without some pressure. Maybe my experience with growing up was not like yours, but I found it wasn’t that much different than most kids, and it was pressure and encouragement that made it happen. So lets get over this “comfort zone”- which really means “what I want” – thing and sift it through the scriptures and consider showing love to our spouses.
I can’t imagine trying to pressure or insist on any kind of sex act that my husband didn’t want to try, nor can I imagine him treating me that way. It seems to me that only a very insensitive (or possibly sadistic) person could derive pleasure from an act knowing that there was no enjoyment in it (and possibly some discomfort or even repugnance) for the partner.
Thanks Julie for taking on the macro issue of sexual demands within a loving marriage and in specifically addressing oral sex. (This demand of swallowing is more prevalent than many people may realize.)
Spouses ought not make demands or use coercion in their loving sexual relationship. However, honest and open communication (without fear) can lead to compromises that respect both spouses’ needs, concerns and desires. Win-win compromises can be reached.
Pardon me for being explicit here. Specifically, the husband that demands his wife swallow every time during fellatio is wrong and is not being considerate of his wife. But, what is sometimes overlooked or minimized is that the wife who absolutely refuses to ever let her husband ejaculate inside her mouth is also being very inflexible and needlessly rigid in her thinking and attitude. As you, Julie, pointed out in your essay two years ago, semen is not poisonous.
Obviously, the man can be terribly inconsiderate of his wife during the act if he chooses to be. But, for many married couples who have a positive attitude towards the intimacy and the shared vulnerability and respect during oral sex, the act is a beautiful expression of love. It is not in any way “demeaning” to the wife for those couples.
How about a win-win compromise, husbands and wives?! For those times, when you both want him to climax during fellatio, how about some of the time letting him release inside his wife’s warm, wet mouth? Not every time, but on some (not infrequent) occasions. As to swallowing, that really is in many cases just a request to be allowed to freely finish in her mouth. Wives, if they want, can simply let the semen run out of their mouth. (Overcome the mental block and you will find that physically it is no big deal.)
Sadly, this specific issue is a source of conflict in many marriages where neither spouse is willing to compromise. Meet each other halfway and you can make the oral sex a joyous, tender and playful part of your lovemaking!
Pretty lame example Paul, especially since I said she should obey God rather than her husband when it comes to sin.
Actually 1 Peter 3:1 is the basis for my statement when the husband is ungodly. Like I said, there is a lot of feminism among Christians. You can really see it when someone tries to find a way to rationalize that the Bible does not really mean what it says about submission.
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I recently found this site and began going through some previous posts. They have been helpful. Thanks for your godly insight on several topics not discussed in church.
The current topic has been thought provoking. I want to be a godly husband to my wife in all areas of our life together. We met each other at a christian college. We have been married for 13 years. We were both virgins when we got married. We never even kissed until we were engaged. Out of consideration for my tired wife we waited until the day after our wedding to have sex. (Even though that was incredibly hard for me.). That pattern of deferring to my wife’s needs would continue throughout our marriage.
I have always wanted to try different things in the bedroom but my wife has been very hesitant. It took several years before we tried a different position (girl on top). She refused to French kiss or do oral sex (receiving or giving or 69). In our early years of marriage I wanted to have sex daily with longer sessions on the weekends, but because of my wife’s lack of desire and interest in sex, we had sex only a few times a week and mostly quickies. We are both attractive and very physically fit so I didn’t understand why our sex life was so bad.
Out of desperation and frustration I turned to porn for answers. It started out subtly. I was looking for what I was doing “wrong” in bed through articles and then it led to videos until I was participating in something that I would never have thought I could.
Fast forward a few years. We had kids. My sin continued for several years. I kept it a secret all that time. Finally God broke me and I confessed my sin to my wife and told her about my struggles.
Recently my wife has allowed me to give her oral sex and she for the first time in her life had an orgasm. She now has orgasms regularly with oral sex. She still doesn’t allow French kissing or give me oral sex though. I don’t want to place “demands” on her but I do have an imagination and have many requests. I wish my wife had some enthusiasm, creativity and was at least a little bit uninhibited and more giving of her love physically.
The world would say that if you are unsatisfied sexually then move on, but God has called us to be faithful for His glory. When requests get rejected over and over again and imagination stifled living for God is hard to do.
Several questions for you and for readers.
1. If a request is made and it is rejected, does that request become a demand if I try to plead (or give good reasons) for my request?
2. Off topic – Is reading sex articles in magazines or online sinful if I am only seeking to apply any info to help our sex life together? (For example reading an article about “5 new things to try in bed.”)
Hi @Observer… thank you for stopping by… I’m sorry for the struggles and pain you’ve experienced in your marriage. My opinion on your question is this…
1. I don’t think it is a “demand” if you are simply trying to generate conversation and express your honest desires about why you want to do something. Even so, if your wife continues to decline these requests and if they are reasonable requests, then she is going to have to give account for that to the Lord. I know that is of little consolation in the moment, but I don’t think you can force her to do something.
2. Personally, I would steer clear of reading sex articles in secular (mainstream) magazines, especially when there are so many Christian resources, especially books and websites, on sexual intimacy. The problem with mainstream resources is they may suggest things that fall outside of God’s parameters for sexual intimacy, and the audience these resources are directed at are singles as well as married people.
This is a comment to observer. First of all, I think your heart is great, that you truly want to be sensitive to your wife. I think that it is appropriate for you to request dialogue with your spouse about things in the marriage bed where there may be a lack of consensus. But don’t bring those things up when you’re naked and in the sack. Instead, pick a time and location that is more safe for your spouse when and where she’ll feel less pressure.
Lastly, it’s a good idea to look into a Christian counselor who has experienced with sexual issues if you feel like things are stuck. He/she may provide a safe place for the two of you to learn how to communicate with each other better in this area.
Am praying for you brother. You have a heart that God can work with, and that’s an excellent place to be!
It truly can be exasperating when a high and low desire couple are husband and wife. It is even more frustrating when the high desire partner leans toward adventure and experimentation, otherwise called variety, in their sex life. It is even more difficult when the two of you are unable to talk about the issue. How many times can you revisit a topic before you begin to sound obsessed or are perceived as boderline perverted by the reluctant partner and they begin to lose respect for you. It’s a very stressful situation to be in because the act in question is tied to pleasure, and sexual pleasure at that. It’s not like refusing to eat meat and go vegan for your health. Your decision is affecting another person’s sexuality and limiting the bonding process and their shared sexual pleasure. We need to be very careful when we issue a blanket refusal and are not willing to discuss our reasons behind them. We also should be willing to consider maybe, in the future, but not now. Oftentimes we are not talking about something as emotionally charged as anal, swallowing, or being lightly bound. It could be as simple as above; french kissing and oral on the husband. Our bodies may belong to each other by the marriage covenant, but we still have the right to establish boundaries and limits. We do need to remeber to be considerate of our partner’s wishes, desire and wants to though. And considerate doesn’t mean submitting to them, it means having a honest willingness to give them fair consideration and frequent reconsideration. We can all change our minds in time, even the person with the “demand.”
After reading many posts like these, it’s clear that some husbands have a very superficial understanding of their rights as a husband. Frankly, some want to position of Jesus in the marriage, but they don’t want to serve as he did. Eph 5:25 (NIV) states “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Furthermore, Jesus came to serve not to be served (Matt 20:28). And though some might argue that there’s no scripture that says “Thou shalt not swallow”I think it’s important to remember the principle in 1 Cor 8:9-13 Be careful, however, that the exercise of your freedom does not become a stumbling block to the weak. For if anyone with a weak conscience sees you who have this knowledge eating in an idol’s temple, won’t he be emboldened to eat what has been sacrificed to idols? So this weak brother, for whom Christ died, is destroyed by your knowledge. When you sin against your brothers in this way and wound their weak conscience, you sin against Christ. Therefore, if what I eat causes my brother to fall into sin, I will never eat meat again, so that I will not cause him to fall. The point isn’t to make the weak people see the wisdom of your ways, but to bear patiently with one another. And of course, love does not demand it’s own way (1 Cor 13:5 NLT).
@Lorraine.
Frankly, the Lord demands our very lives be devoted to Him. I don’t disagree with the verses you pointed out. How can I? But what you present is incomplete as well. Christ came to serve and not to be served. That’s true. But you seem to be implying that Christ would have no issue with a lukewarm response to Him. But Rev 3 (Laodicea. ) has Christ spitting out the lukewarm…..
2 Cor 5:14 says that we should no longer live for ourselves but for Him.
Why should we live for Him? He didn’t come to be served. Why would He spit us out if we are not devoted to Him?
I don’t think a husband should demand a SPECIFIC act. I DO however believe a husband should insist, and yes, even demand a spouse to be sexual and interested. That’s a big part of what marriage is by definition and sex, by 1 Cor 7 is an obligation of marriage.
“I can’t imagine trying to pressure or insist on any kind of sex act that my husband didn’t want to try, nor can I imagine him treating me that way. It seems to me that only a very insensitive (or possibly sadistic) person could derive pleasure from an act knowing that there was no enjoyment in it (and possibly some discomfort or even repugnance) for the partner.”
I agree with the discomfort and repugnance points. But the No enjoyment? My wife takes Great pleasure in backrubs and footrubs that I give her. I get ZERO enjoyment from these for myself. I do however enjoy pleasing her. (massages are NEVER sexual in my house but they are almost daily occurrences)
Additional thought. What if I was repulsed by footrubs? Stinky feet in my hands? Maybe I might want to work on that. She shouldn’t DEMAND it, but why can’t I do that for her?
LS
When a higher drive spouse is requesting attention from the lower driven spouse, it eventually SOUNDS as if the higher driven spouse is being demanding. Unless the lower drive person decides to “change their mind set” (view and opinion) it will most assuredly ALWAYS appear demanding. Eventually, it will lead to animosity and resentment if the lower driven spouse never realizes what they’re missing out on!
HHHmmm…. constant anger for both or constant love every day?
I think forcing your wife to do new sexual acts is wrong, personally i just go along with everything my husband wants to do to me .
Oral doesnt bother me, but once I start I have to finish and that’s the part I hate. My jaw locks up and I have cramps for hours. I tried the whole swallow thing once and promptly threw up afterwards. Never Again. Totally fine with hand jobs though. I’ve been pressured for anal multiple times, each time I turn him down im made to feel like a complete jerk from comments like “how do you know you don’t like it if you’ve never tried it”, “maybe it’s the only way you’ll have an orgasm”, and the whole “wives submit to your husbands”. I suffered from Vaginismus for a time and physically couldn’t have sex (intercourse) it felt like a wall. I think it was durring that period I was pressured for anal the most. I wish there was a good way to get him to stop asking for it.
I used to preform oral a lot in the beginning. Everything was sensual and emotional for me and I enjoyed sharing myself intimately. It was enjoyable. Then the porn viewing started and I felt betrayed immensely and no longer good enough. He would insist that he had stopped and for years I kept catching him over and over again in the lie. It cheapened everything to me. We still have sex, but it’s more of going through the motions. And oral to me is completely just wrong and dirty now. I feel angry and bitter towards it now, to be completely honest. I keep getting pressured and prodded for oral sex because it ‘means so much to him’, and when I don’t give it I’m a selfish, terrible wife and he gets angry at me/comments about getting someone else to fulfill his needs which in turn makes me even more bitter. I don’t know what to do at this point. I hate feeling like this.
My husband started reading all those stupid “Red Pill” mansophere blogs, and now is demanding sex, BJs, etc… Makes me ill. He thinks it will make me want him more, see him as more of a “man”… He believes the blogs when they say women don’t know what they want. It’s not just with sex, it’s with everything, he wants to be in control. Unfortunately, this may end in divorce, as it seems the man I married is gone, and he’s brainwashed for good 🙁
Wow, let’s put the shoe on the other foot, shall we? Wife wants husband to perform sexually but husband is impotent yet he can perform oral sex to satisfy his wife, but she demands he performs intercourse only so wife gets upset, angry, and remnds husband it is his duty as her husband to please her! DO YOU SEE MY POINT????When a husband lacks empathy (the ability to put one in another shoes) and sees his wife as an object, a possession, instead of an human being, with feelings, needs to (REMEMBER the commandment)
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you!!!!
. Lack of empathy is disrespect, abuse of power, and position, . What is Godly or Christian about treating a wife that way?
Some women just don’t like the taste of semen, it’s nothing personal. There are tons of women that will not do oral sex at all.
If a husband wants a BJ and his wife gladly gives it he should be a happy camper whether she swallows or not, she’s not a bow up doll!
Since the beginning of creation sin has been about selfishness, false entitlement, pridefulness, disrespect, against God. A lack of respect and empathy for a partners’ boundaries is a sin. Without respect love doesn’t exist!!!!
Husbands who want to destroy their sex lives….keep demanding, keep reminding your wives it’s her duty, and I can guarantee, you are pounding it into your wives brains that it’s a chore, duty to you but chore for her and Watch her sex drive go to 0.
There is nothing sexy about an adult, being passive aggressive by being angry, pouting, and emotionally blackmailing someone that it’s their duty (perform for your pleasure) and the better do it exactly the way you want!
When one abuses his authority, position, and power for ones own selfish desires, it becomes depravity!!! There nothing Christ like, loving or biblically correct about that behavior towards another human being, even your wife!
And using a scripture or scriptures to manipulate, coerce, shame, ones spouse into performing sexually, is not Christ like or loving. If husband’s are to throw that scripture “of a wife’s duty” then they are lacking in empathy, and need to start educating themselves with some healthy educational material so they can be a better Man, Husband, and CHRISTIAN!!!!
A spouse with low empathy skills, emotional immaturity,
Poor communication, arrogance, a sense of entitlement, unrealistic expectations, a lack of compromise and dysfunctional intimacy skills, all of these will head your marriage straight to hell in divorce court!
And I pray for that poor wife, whose husband got angry that she doesn’t swallow his semen, his behavior is toxic and destructive, chances are he sees nothing wrong with his thinking or behavior! And not capable of changing
Well written article, however if you want a happy healthy marriage to make it through the end if time I HIGHLY suggest not only obeying your husband AS THE BIBLE SAYS…and be thankful that he chooses you to express his fantasies and love to. Do you realize in this day and age how easy it is for a spouse NOT to choose you sexual ly to meet his needs. Dating sites and porn plays a MAJOR role in today’s society and sexuality. When your husband chooses to teach you how to satisfy him he is giving you the ultimate gift of marriage. I gladly give my husband what he requests and feel close to him for choosing me!!! The bible does speak about the submission of sex and protecting your husband from sin I believe. Make your choice…because he doesn’t HAVE to get satisfaction from you. As wrong as it is men have many options of ways to express themselves sexual ly so to speak…plus I believe God created obedience for a reason…even when I want to say no because I am upset I still do what my husband asks of me and 99% of the time I feel better and close to him for just “giving in”
@ Natalie
I don’t agree with what you’re saying. “Be thankful that he chooses you to express his fantasies to…”?? What fantasies? AY mentioned that her husband often requests anal sex. The bible never actually says that anal sex is wrong, so why don’t you, in an effort to obey their husbands, advice women to go ahead and have anal sex with their husbands (thereby damaging anal sphincter, getting hemorrhoids and all other complications in the process)? Just because the husbands are oh so kind enough to choose them! I’m sorry, but that is silly talk. He’s supposed to choose you; you’re his wife. If a wife refuses to participate in her husband’s numerous fantasies, either because she doesn’t feel comfortable yet or finds it repulsive, and her husband uses that as an excuse to take advantage of “dating sites” to date or sleep with other women, then it is NOT the fault of the wife. Ultimately, we are not responsible for another person’s sin. I’m not my husband’s keeper and the sin would be entirely on his head. He’s a grown man and he’s responsible for his own actions.
And by the way, yes, he is actually supposed to get satisfaction from you. Proverbs 5:19 states: “…let her breasts satisfy you at all times, and be thou ravished in her love.” He’s supposed to seek satisfaction from you and if because of selfish demands, a husband decides that his wife is no longer satisfactory enough for him, and steps outside his marriage, then God will deal with him and judge him accordingly. Believe it or not, but women also have many options outside of the marriage as casual sex is actually generally easier for a women to get, than for a man. Does that mean that if her husband isn’t fulfilling all her sexual needs and fantasies, she has a right to take advantage of the multitudes of men wanting non-committal sex? Of course not. It’s sad when wives reduce themselves to unnecessarily competing with other women that their husbands really have no business with. While wives certainly should be considerate of her husband’s requests in the bedroom and not form a habit of always saying no to reasonable requests that they’re comfortable with, husbands should not demand sexual acts from their wives. Your wife is not a toy. Ask kindly and practice patience. Just like @working in progress said: a lot of wives will come around to exploring more sexual activities with their husbands, if they see that their husbands are grateful for the slow but steady advances she makes in her comfort levels.
I would never “demand” anything in the bedroom. But I have the opposite problem. I bought some edible massage oils that I wanted to use for oral stimulation for both of us, and my wife got really angry and ordered me to put them away. She was furious that I would even imply I wanted oral sex and jumped to the conclusion that I wanted her to swallow my semen.
I was trying to be sensitive and subtle and not make any implication that anything was demanded. But I still got pushback as if I had demanded. So for all the wives whose husbands demand things, I want you to know there are kind husbands who would simply enjoy something and will back down if it is not wanted. But please don’t be mean about it like my wife is. I have been afraid to even suggest anything new and am going on three weeks of no sex because I am too afraid to approach her.
Larry what your describing is sexual abuse and possibly rape. Not compromising.
Justifying sexual demands because a man a sometimes has the right to control his wife, and himself, and the sex act while the physical sensation knowing she is repulsed by the act and it leads to self loathing for being stupid enough to pick him, think her feelings matter or think she cared is not loving. It’s sexually abusing his wife.
What you are describing is emotionally blackmailing , pressuring or coercing, woman into unwanted sexual you know she hates, **if** you can break her.
Sometimes the wife can have a choice about sex, but sometimes she should realize considering her wellbeifn makes her a bad person and she has to do what her husband likes regardless of the consequences and whether she likes it or not.
Again this is sexual abuse, and an excuse for a husband’s selfish demands, and the exact opposite of compromising, where both people get a choice, neither one is pressure or manipulated or condemned or on trial, and both people are willing.
The double standard is obvious.
Husbands should (sometimes?) be considerate of their wives and have consensual sex.
Wives being considerate of their husbands and having consensual sex is so taken for granted and meaningless it is not even worthy of being noted as an example of Biblical love.
No the standard in marriage is not a man’s consideration for a woman’s consideration.
Men already have women’s consideration and it means nothing.
Instead of being consider to earn her husband’s consideration a wife must give him absolutely everything unless she can justify beyond any doubt that not giving him something thing wouldn’t make it seem like she loved him less. If she can do that, after she’s done that, she can maybe, occasionally, say no sometimes. If she still has unconsensual sex and doesn’t say no to often.
Larry I’m tired of drinking poison. Several other women have described their sexually abusive marriages. Add mine to the list. It is word for word what you are expecting. Sometimes a wife should give up having a choice in the sexual relationship and do what the husband expects whether she likes it or not. If he always has to consider her wishes and wellbeing and if he always has to be loving and kind that’s abusive. If she won’t let him make her do things she hates, or better yet, if she won’t force herself to things she hates sexually sometimes she’s abusing him.
How many times in marriage can a woman expect respect consideration and consent? 90%? 50%? 5%? What part of a married couple sex life is something both the husband and wife want where they care about eachother and what part is the wife forcing herself to swallows her self loathing for picking such a husband and giving in to his demands because he’s entitled to getting his way and controlling both of them at least part of the time? How exactly is this a compromise? Is selfhatred and sexual revulsion the Biblical standard of a loving wife?
Yes, sexual abuse is a rampant issue in Christian marriages. Men like the ones you describe in your post are the perpetrators, and no, those are not remotely loving marriages or sexual pleasure mutuality and consent and wife agreeing to and enjoying everything every single time wouldn’t be an issue to begin with.
Is anyone here familiar with enthusiastic consent? It’s the idea that you shouldn’t do anything unless a spouse is eager and willing. The idea was invented by a feminist for drunk college boys from raping college girls.
However in marriage it works too. Consent doesn’t have to be verbal, I mean it’s pretty obvious when a long term spouse is half crazy with wanting and when not.
But I think this is the idea of why a spouse, possibly a husband, but really either spouse would be hurt by a spouse rejecting a new suggestion when the sugesting spouse lists the reason it would turn them on.
Healthy male sexuality seems to be heavily oriented to enthusiastic consent. He wants to be wanted. Eroticly he most aroused by her pleasure and pleasing her. That’s what happens when the sexist he’s entitled, she’s obligated bs is avoided anyway.
Women can and do often feel the same way. Being wanted is hot. Having your husband overwhelmed with desire for you is hot.
So….in a healthy marriage, with a good sex life and open sexual chemistry if a man really opens up and makes himself vulnerable and say why he wants what he wants (not just manipulative canned lines like “it makes me feel loved”). But if a man does some soul searching and soul bearing to his wife and puts in it his own words….well pleasing him, the idea of him being open and vulnerable and aroused responding to her , while makes himself as vulnerable emotionally as she is physically….that should get a response out of a woman because of the erotic connection in the marriage. And when it doesn’t get a response, even if the only thing she likes is him wanting her and being emotionally exposed and open to her caress…well something is missing in the sexual chemistry of the couple. I think that’s why the rejection stings.
I just found this article when researching information on how to deal with it when in a Christian marriage and your husband pressures you to let him ejaculate into your mouth. And I want to say thank you so very much for being pretty much the only person who gave authentic Godly advice on the matter. I could only find for the most part blogs and articles written by men saying wives are required to let their husbands cum in their mouth and they must like it and want to do it or they are not honoring the marriage or Christ. Sadly, the “church” often puts wives in such a horribly objectifying position in most matters I have found. It’s almost as if once a woman is married, she has no value or rights, not even the right to not physically be able to do certain things, but her husband’s rights increase exponentially in the eyes of the Church. Case in point, if a woman is being abused, she’s told she can’t divorce and must take up her cross and forgive. And if her husband wants to cum in her mouth even if she’s said she doesn’t want to, shame on her for not accommodating him.
My husband has asked me to do this for him and I even though I was hesitant, I was willing to try it because he said it would mean so much to him and make him feel so loved. He said his previous wife would not do this for him and she made him feel rejected. So I said I would meet his needs because I love him so much and want to make him happy.
The first few times I did this though, I almost threw up on him. I had to try to hide my gagging. He was so lost in the moment of cumming , he didn’t seem to notice. I tried praying while I gave him oral sex and when he came, asking God to please make me enjoy his semen in my mouth and to please keep me from gagging. It just got worse. Finally I said something to him very kindly and lovingly, that it was difficult for me and I wanted us to try other alternatives. He didn’t seem to hear a word I said. He just told me to keep trying and he’d change his diet to see if that helped (which he didn’t by the way). I didn’t push the subject any further.
I started noticing that he would talk often about me giving him oral sex, almost as much as being intimate with me otherwise. He said he fantasized about this. He counted on getting oral sex often and planned around it happening. It was expected just as much as our making love was. The last time we were together, he asked me to give him oral sex as foreplay so I did. I thought once I got him aroused we would then make love. But when I stopped so we could have intercourse, he said, “Will you just finish?” I did, though I didn’t feel very loved in the way he handled his request. He came in my mouth and that was the worst I ever gagged in my life. I almost threw up on him. That was when I thought, I can’t do this anymore. Physically, I just can’t. Even if I wanted to, I can’t.
I began to research how to handle this situation in a Godly way because I need to talk to him about how I feel. All I found, before your article, were men, and doormat Christian women who would allow their husbands to do anything to them to the point of abuse, saying women had to just deal with it even if they gagged on cum. They had to do all these things to make it go down easier, like drink soda right after, or deep throat their husbands, or swallow quickly. And if cum makes them gag, so what. Serve God and swallow. And you’re a bad wife if you have a gagging issue. How dare you! I felt hopeless.
One thing i want to mention to anyone who thinks a wife should just deal with gagging and do what her husband wants is that anytime you do something for someone that makes you feel unloved and unvalued, even if your intentions for them are purely out of love for them, in time you will begin to resent them. You cannot trust someone who does not respect your body, your health, your fears, or your worth. And trust is at the core of intimacy. A man who forces his wife with guilt trips and manipulation to swallow his cum is a man who will find himself one day in a loveless marriage with a cold wife who shrinks back from his touch.
Your article was the first to make me feel like God actually loves me and values me as His child, and does not see me as an object for my husband’s pleasure that has no rights. Not even with the right to not want to throw up. I’m so tired of reading Christian articles about how men have to be satisfied no matter what and women have to accommodate them, no matter what. That is not how God designed intimacy in a marriage. It’s supposed to be about love and respect, and a mutual focus on one another. If my husband doesn’t seem to care that his semen is difficult for me to swallow, even after I’ve tried so hard to make it work, then that is not love. That is self seeking, demanding its own way, opposite of 1 Corinthians 13 love.
I sure hope this time when I try to talk to my husband and tell him how much I wish I could please him how he wants, but I cannot physically do some of the things he wants, that he will love me enough to listen. And not try to manipulate me into giving in, or guilt trip me with “If you really loved me you would…”
Thanks again for the article. It helped me to figure out what to do, and how to have a conversation in a loving, Godly way when the time is right.
Your right on never should a husband do this to his wife. That’s the responsibly of the husband to treat his wife as Jesus would his church. Never can a man force his wife to break that trust.
Thanks so much for this article. I honestly think pornography is to blame for so many sexual problems even in Christian marriages. I’m disgusted by so many pastors who say wives must submit to every sexual fantasy the husband has, many of which he has picked up by viewing porn. The irony of a husband who has committed adultery in his heart by viewing women who are not his wife, naked, performing sex acts and then pointing his finger at his wife and accusing her of the ‘sin’ of being unsubmissive! Yes, men need sex and wives should do all they can to accommodate them, but it’s important for men to understand some things (anal sex in my case) are degrading and your wife will feel injured emotionally, if not physically if forced to perform them. You will make sex miserable for her and she will want LESS SEX, not more if you insist on doing things she does not like.
I’ve read most of the posts. I’m a lady who has been married since I was in my 20’s. I love my husband and have tried to be sexy for him, but never feel im enough. Before we were christians he looked at porn. Oral sex is a big deal to him. I’ve never been successful at it but continue to try and give oral sex. He is angry amd frustrated that i havent had success so my attempts have gone to only trying occasionally. My jaw locks up, and I try and relax and think positively, but it doesn’t make me feel sexy. It just makes me feel sad because he knows how hard it is for me and still wants it. I’ve told him my fear of performing this act…it makes me feel claustrophobic and I have a reactive airway so i always gag, but he often acts like he thinks its just an excuse and he still talks about wanting os while we are in bed in a graphic way which really turns me off. Its not enough for it to go into my mouth. I must eat it for him to feel loved. While on holidays I managed to let him ejaculate into my mouth. It went down my throat and I immediately gagged and threw up in the bathroom sink. When I told him he thanked me for trying, told me I had done well and said if I had thrown it up then that was good wasn’t it cause I didnt like the taste anyway? He said we would just keep trying, to which I agreed. He was so loving to me. I hadn’t felt special in a long time.
I also give him anal sex. Not because I like it but because he nagged me until I let him. I have a medium sex drive but I’m so stressed at the idea of sex that its gone to zero. I also have pain during normal intercourse and when I ask him to be careful it now upsets him because he says there isnt anything he can do and the rules are always changing. He doesn’t realise that I cant help my body. I am a pretty woman, but I feel anxious and sad and angry and most of all unloved. In the last year he has stop having sex in the middle of the act if I say anything hurts or if he really wants anal or oral sex and I say no. He says that he’d rather not have sex than argue. He tells me that its clear to him that I dont want sex. I usually end up crying. I’m worried we are headed for divorce. He really does love me and the kids but he says he’s read on christian forums that wives must submit to their husbands and that I’m not doing that. I reply that the bible also says for husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church. I want to please him desperately, but I’m not a blow up doll nor does by body have the capacity to pretend I am. I’m miserable at the thought of a failed marriage. We have children to consider as well as our relationship and he is the one with a good job not me. Is there anything I can do to make swallowing possible?
@ Ellena (November, 2017):
“So I said I would meet his needs because I love him so much and want to make him happy.”
Thank you for your honest, candid and significant contribution to the discussion.
In your marriage, you did try to please your husband in his request for oral sex and allowing him to climax in your mouth. It was very difficult for you to do so comfortably, and thus your desire to have him finish another way is completely reasonable, This is in sharp distinction from the many wives who will not even give oral sex a fair try and have a mental block against even making several good faith attempts with giving it.
From your remarks above, it appears that your husband thinks of oral sex only as physical pleasure and physical gratification. This is not true of all husbands. There are husbands who see that oral sex is a special form of emotional intimacy that involves shared vulnerability, mutual trust, respect and acceptance. It is in this regard that oral sex can be so emotionally and psychologically gratifying, It is a deeply intimate, shared experience with one’s spouse.
If after giving oral sex a fair try, it is not workable for the wife to receive her husband’s ejaculation inside her mouth, then the husband ought not insist nor demand that she do so. Oral sex can be used as foreplay to intercourse.
The problem or source of irritation for many husbands is the case of the wife who refuses to even try giving her husband this experience as somehow, without experience, she knows for certain that she will not like the experience. And, many wives have commented on various marriage blogs that although they did not like the idea of giving oral sex to completion, once they tried it several times it became easier and then enjoyable for them to give. That really is the desired ideal for most husbands: that his wife enjoys the intimacy and the playful nature of giving oral sex. The simple desire for receiving oral sex does not mean that the husband is objectifying his wife, or that he wants an abusive relationship.
For the wife who is having difficulties in giving oral sex to her husband, do talk with him about this. Many husbands are willing to respect their wife’s wishes, but husbands are not mind readers. If you can comfortably give oral sex as foreplay, then do so. And, let him know that the issue for you is not a negative attitude towards oral sex but the physical discomfort that you are experiencing.
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My husband understands its difficult for me to swallow. I willingly give him a BJ, I do not mind him ejaculating in my mouth, but, I can not swallow. I have also been open to and even attempted anal to please my husband. Just this week, he came behind me, like a doggy style and then with out warning went in to me anally. I screamed in pain (as I’ve shared with him before that it’s just too painful, on one occasion I could not even urinate for some time following anal. While in the act i started to cry, and he just kept going through until completion.
I am open to many things sexually with my husband, toys, straps, etc. I graciously give, but this just went too far.
I’m devastated. This is my second marriage, my first husband refused to come to bed with me for over a decade. I tried 13 therapists to save my first marriage. He wanted me to have sex with women with him – clearly outside of a biblical and God’s provision.
My husband says if I just do anal more often, it won’t hurt me, that just isn’t true. I feel this is a lose-lose scenario. I have pulled completely away, and my husband needs sex at minimum 2x’s a week, but he’d prefer 3-5.
I would sure appreciate prayer to discern how to honor my husbabd, meet his needs, while setting loving boundaries. I am just so hurt and feel horribly violated and cheapened. I can’t imagine God wanting intimacy and his bride picture of his holy union to be like this?
Marie
@Marie… it saddens me greatly to hear that your husband is not respectful and sensitive to your reasonable unwillingness to want to do anal sex.
Your husband is inflicting harm on you by forcing an act that is causing you pain and to which you have clearly said you do not want to do. If he physically forces you against your will, that’s abuse and rape. I don’t sense from what you shared that he is doing that, but I’m not sure?
I am not a counselor or dr, but I can offer insight as one wife to another. I suggest you firmly hold your ground on this matter, while at the same time saying that you do want to enjoy vaginal intercourse with him. It is completely possible for you to meet his needs for sexual intimacy. Anal sex is not a need.
While being firm in your “no,” also explain to him how it makes you feel and ask him why as a husband he would want to cause you pain and emotional distress. Wait for his answer, so that he can see you are serious about the question.
If he still is insistent despite your clear and firm boundary, then suggest the two of you go to counseling.
Anal sex is not a need. There are plenty of other ways to experience sexual enjoyment without a spouse causing pain to the other.
Again, I am so sorry you are going through this. Your husband is not being reasonable or fair.
I’m like Aimee‘s husband, I always perform oral on her because she wants it and I understand and accept her decision not to perform oral on me, even though I’d love it if she did. I never make her feel bad for this or even bring it up. She suggested that one day she might give me brief oral on special occasions (birthday, anniversary, Valentine’s Day, Christmas), but that she still wasn’t ready for that. As much as I hope for that to come true, I told her I loved her and was happy to be with her regardless. Part of being a good husband is accepting your wife’s wishes and putting her needs above your own. Men, your wife isn’t required to give you oral or reciprocate it if she doesn’t want to and that doesn’t make her a bad person, love her and accept her decision and I guarantee you that you will both be happier for it.
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The problem with believers is that they do not have the appropriate discussions with their future partner before making a commitment. A commitment is just that, it’s committing to someone in their needs, desires, and expectations. It’s being able to commit to what they want to do, what you want to do. It’s being one accord.
Most Christian believers meet their partner, feel that they can get along, discuss how many children they want, agree on biblical doctrine or the black/white areas, and because the other partner is a Christian they think that they should marry. Yet, that is not enough. In fact, most premarital biblical counseling is a joke.
As Christians, we often think sex as taboo and think too light of it. We think, we’ll save that for later because it’s embarrassing or the other person will think I’m weird. Sex and intimacy is in fact one of the most important parts of the marital covenant. It is one of the few acts that married couples do that is not to be shared with others whatsoever, and it signifies very much what unity is about. If you think about it, there are many other marital acts that done between couples that can be done with others outside of the marital bond: Walking, talking, cooking, cleaning, working, etc, etc, but not sex.
First, each believer should know themselves and what their goals and aspirations are. They should know them sexually, financially, etc. Do you have a high libido? Do you like kink? Do you want to be a CEO of a major corporation that will take time away from your family? Are you Mr./Mrs. Steady? Are you Mr./Mrs. Adventure?
Second, you should know your partner and understand what they will be willing to do and give up for you and what you’ll be willing to give up for them.Do they have a low libido but yours is high? Do they like vanilla but you like kink? Are financial goals high on their radar but low on yours? Do you like adventure but they like steady?
E.g., If you want to be financially wealthy and you know that you’re willing to put in the 60hrs/week to get there but your future spouse is needy and clingy, then it’s a very important thing to consider. If you want to scale the peaks of Everest but your spouse only wants to stay in the flat lands of Nebraska, then that’s something to consider. If your spouse is willing to receive oral but not give it back, then it is something to consider.
As an end note, all of these things permeate in other areas. Sex for example, what a person is willing to do for the other, often permeates into other areas of what they’re willing to do for you. So, if they are vanilla there and won’t give you your desires, they are likely vanilla elsewhere. I for one wish I was taught this years ago. I would’ve made completely different marital decisions and I bet many others would’ve done the same.
The use of the verb “demand” is intended to outrage the readers, and that goal has been achieved based on the comments. Too often, a request from a man is taken as a demand by a woman. He’s just supposed to take her as she is while she wants to change everything about him.
I learned long ago that if a woman doesn’t do something a man is known to want and enjoy on her own volition, there is no point to discussing any such requests with her. There is never a good time to do so, she will not ever see things from any perspective but her own, and she will find any and every way to avoid giving her man what he wants.
Bottom line is these things need to be discussed and hashed out prior to marriage. To be on the same page sexually is so important for a healthy marriage. Frank discussions need to be had early and often. Communication as always, is key. I am not even against the signing of a contract prior to marriage where sexual expectations/needs are clearly laid out and signed off on by both parties. I hope these lessons are imparted to the younger generation of Christians so they can be saved from a potential trainwreck marriage to somebody who is sexually incompatible.
My husband demands anal sex from me , I told him it’s against my beliefs and also very painful but if I say no to him , he will fight and argue with me until I give in ! And I mean argue for days if I don’t , he makes me feel guilty because I’m not pleasing him , I need to learn how to spice things up , just basically turning it around on me so I can feel like I’m the cause of him getting upset ! I hate fighting and the disrespect so I give in ! And I cry myself to sleep because I feel so dirty and ashamed .
@Sofia… I am so saddened and angered to hear that your husband demands anal sex. Marriage is a place of love and compassion, and it is not loving to demand something sexually. Your husband is being extremely hurtful and careless with the covenant vows he took. I encourage you to write a letter to him, expressing to him how his demands make you feel and that you want the two of you to work on building sexual intimacy that does not include demands. The demands are driving the two of you apart rather than drawing you together. If he is not responsive to your concerns, I encourage you to confide in a safe mature Christian woman who can help guide you on how to navigate going forward. These are difficult situations for sure, but sometimes seeking wise Christian counsel can help bring some clarity on what steps we should take. I’m so sorry for what you are experiencing. You may also find some helpful resources from Leslie Vernick.