marriage problems, sexual intimacy, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
5 Dangers of Regularly Saying “No” to Sex
Nov
Is it dangerous to deny your husband sex? I personally believe it can be…
Here are 5 Dangers of Regularly Saying “No” to Sex:
1. You compromise your marriage vows — and possibly your marriage itself.
Long ago, in my first marriage, as my husband was walking out on our life, I was somewhat shocked to discover that he had been drawn to another woman. But as the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20.
I see clearer now what I did not comprehend then.
If the raw pain of my divorce taught me anything it’s that sex cannot be taken for granted in a marriage. A thousand “could-haves, should-haves, would-haves” cannot begin to express the regret I have that we did not address the sexual struggles in our marriage.
I know what some of you are thinking. “Well, my husband would never cheat. He would never leave.” That may be true.
But the flip side is he may hate staying.
Though his heart, hands and feet may not wander to other beds, his eyes and thoughts easily could. I hear from husbands all the time who…
…hate the situation they are in.
…hate the desperate loneliness of constant sexual rejection.
…hate feeling trapped by Christian morals they have grown to resent.
I’m not saying there is justification in adultery or walking out the door because of sexual apathy. What I’m saying is that if you regularly deny sex to your husband, you are indeed compromising your marriage vows and making your marriage more vulnerable to attack.
I should know. I have been there. And I have done that.
2. You buddy-up to Satan.
Satan’s go-to method is division. He knows that sexual intimacy is an incredibly bonding force created by the Lord to strengthen married couples and endear them to one another.
Obviously, Satan doesn’t want you endeared or strengthened or bonded to the very person with whom you have a covenant relationship.
When you disregard sex, you give Satan one more firm foothold on which to stand as he relentlessly seeks to cause division in your marriage. Seriously. That’s what is going on. If this is news to you, I pray that big red “Danger” signs are flashing in your mind right now.
I pray too that the harshness of those realities does not shame you or guilt you to your knees, but humbly brings you surrendered to your knees.
Ask the Lord to help you reclaim the ground in your marriage that has been given to Satan… especially any ground that you gave to him.
3. You hurt the person you love.
You do love him, right?
Well, if he is like most husbands, one of the ways he best receives that love is when you regularly enjoy sex with him. It’s not the only way he receives love, but if you were to ask him, “Do you feel loved by me when I’m enthusiastic about sex? What does it mean to you when I make sex a priority?” — what would he say?
Be brave. Go ask him. Doing so may stop you from the danger of hurting the person you love.
4. You ignore time-tested wisdom of nearly every marriage counselor.
The very people who make their living from listening to distraught couples in desperately broken places would tell you that when sex is ignored in a marriage, danger is lurking just around the corner.
Counselors become intimately aware of the costs that are paid when a husband or wife has forsaken their marriage bed, whether it be to another lover or simply to selfish or careless neglect.
5. You tell God that He must be wrong.
At its core, this is possibly the most devastating danger of regularly saying “no” to sex. It grieves God’s heart.
Dig deep into God’s Word and it becomes abundantly clear the precious value He puts on sex in marriage, as well as the agonizing consequences when a married couple mishandles or ignores it. Whenever he speaks of marriage, including sexual intimacy, He longs for us to understand its significance.
Through a lot of soul searching and humble reflection, I know that long ago I had a hand in putting my first marriage in danger. While sex was not the only contributing factor, I’d be foolish to not recognize the role it played.
My heart is that you see the dangers of regularly saying “no” to sex before you find yourself looking back on similar regrets.
Copyright 2012, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
to the wife that denies; first off i want to express my saddness in what you have been thru when you were younger. i can see how that would affect you. dont take anything i ask you in a hostile manner. that is not my intent. does your husband know about what transpired when you were younger? if he knows,then there is no excuse for the tantrums. believe me,i dont have tantrums,belittle or treat my spouse bad. so i wonder,after reading your post is she had an incident such as yours? i cant help repair something i dont have an idea of what is wrong. so i read all these post’s and see all these reasons why,ect,ect. and it just confuses me more. i hope things work out for you and you can put the abuse in the rear view mirror
Hi. i didn’t read all the comments but i read the article and it mainly goes for the men. I am the one though who is denied the sex. My husband doesn’t want to have sex with me, only in HIS timing. i’m 25 and he’s 34. he works pipeline and I understand that is a very hard job and he gets home tired but he doesn’t have to do one single thing when he gets home. I massage his feet, feed him, even BATHE him. I do everything for him not only because I love him but because I;m hoping to get lucky that night but nope. He’s always “too tired”. He rejects me a lot and I leave the room and sleep on the sofa instead because I’m left really wanting it to where I’m sorry to say but I have relieved myself, then feel guilty afterwards because I know I cheated. But it happens all the time-that I get rejected. We have sex once a week and sometimes once in two to three weeks and it drives me crazy. Even when he doesn’t work, he prefers to sleep more than anything. He sleeps really early. He’s in bed around 8 and wakes up at 3 or 4 a.m.. then if he’s not working(and when he is), he wakes me up and doesn’t let me sleep. then when I’m fully awake, he goes to sleep. That aggravates me. When do have sex, its just wham bam thank you ma’am. there is NO intimacy. no kissing, no nothing. just hurry up bc I’m tired. no foreplay, no pleasure for me (orally, sorry if I’m being too personal), but plenty for him. Many times, I feel like I’m not good enough for him because of my weight. since we’ve been married(4 years), I’ve gained about 60 lbs. we’ve been fighting since day one. We got married right away when I was 21. We only had a couple dates, and well I was backslider and he never had a personal relationship with God. Somehow we just decided to do the unthinkable and get married. We still have no kids, no matter how much I would like some, but at the same time I’m glad we don’t have any because we fight too much. I have no friends to talk to and vent to about this subject. I’m a housewife and am always traveling with him all over the country. I don’t know what to do. Everytime I wanna talk to him about this subject, his solution is to leave him. To get a divorce. He says alot of mean things and brings up my ex boyfriends ALL the time. I don’t want to divorce him though. I love him and I gave him my word for better or for worse. And well I know I shouldnt cry over being pushed away because I want sex all the time, but it hurts to be denied. It makes me feel so ugly and disgusting. I don’t feel loved at all. You know how its said that men feel more intimate with sex? Well its the other way around for me. I feel more intimate, connected and loved with sex and my husband prefers affection and love. which I do give him, but somehow its not enough to even get him in the mood. I don’t what to do. I dont know if I could honestly put up with this til death do us part. Am I always going to feel rejected? Am always going to have to leave the room and cry by myself til I fall asleep? Do I have to cheat by relieving myself? I don’t want to. And I don’t want to blame him for my actions. Its unexcusable but I do it anyways. I’m in the living room right now looking up what I could possibly do to make the situation better and well the secular councils say divorce him. But I need Biblical advice. I want counseling but he doesn’t. I was given a Christian Marriage Counselor’s number and he found it and told me he does not want to go to anyone to tell them about our business.
Wake up Christians! If adultery means something then deprivation means something. If a person will not have sex when they have promised to before God at an alter they have broken the covenant and have sinned. Give them an ultimatum. Love me or be prepared to divorce. You are submitting to another form of sexual abuse when you stay married to a relational vow breaker. They have defrauded you and have not kept thier end of the promise. God will provide but you have to have the courage to trust he will be there for you. When you let an abusive spouse become a hinderance to your purity and won’t stand up for what’s right then you make them an idol. Are you afraid to leave? Why? Because you think your life will be over. Because you fear the disgrace? Because you fear the financial ruin? Because of the kids? These are all the same reasons battered women stay with violent men. When a spouse witholds sex without any compassion or alternate remedy, when they demean your God given desires as animal or dirty, you are being abused physically and emotionally. God has not called you to slavery. In bible times no woman would do that because she knew she would be out on her rear end and would bear shame as a woman that was unpleasing to her husband. Modern society and biblical error has put women in power over men who don’t want to fail God or thier family.
Pingback: Laughs and Weekend Thoughts to Peruse | Oysterbed 7
Pingback: Christian Go-To Marital Tools, part 2.2 | The Curmudgeonly Librarian
Satan? Seriously…..thanks for nothing. Wow.
I have been married for 10 months And keeps rejecting me with any intamacy I have been praying and really heart breaking and tried talking to her but I made the mistake not being able to be there for her when her friend passed away and ever since I have been rejected i really need help I confronted her that it is a sin but she got mad at me saying that I was using the bible against her I am madly in love with her and don’t want to leave her have not had a real kiss in 7 months and tried talking with are pastor about this and tried the two of us talking about and refuses to talk about it I have tried everything I am almost gunna give up
I am another one of those husbands whose wife acts like making love is a duty…a chore. We have been married for 17 years now and it has only gotten worse in the last 5 years….
We make love about once every three months…and that is only when I initiate it and she makes me feel guilty afterward.
I have tried to be as romantic as possible but even after our date nights, I end up with the cold shoulder.
I know I would never cheat on my wife but my frustration has reached an all time high…
I have tried initiating after our kids are in bed and she is too tired, I tried initiating in the morning and she said ” just go work out and get this out of your system”….
Please share any advice you have….I am lost right now…
Matt: This is a wonderful blog with lots of advice. There are also many others. Use them to get an understanding of her viewpoint. Then you might see some avenues for action.
I share Matt and others’ frustrations. I almost wish in marriages where the sex is non existent or lacking there could be some kind of a special program where the men and women in those situations would be able to meet others who desired intimacy and could somehow be allowed because their spouse was a habitual refuser.
Absent that, the only answer is prayer.
@Random Thoughts:
That is the problem: Un-biblical as they might be, there are such
“programs” in the secular world. But even they do not have much success because only one spouse wants to go. Then also, as in my case, most of the time the denied spouse ONLY wants THEIR spouse.
And that IS the way it is supposed to be.
There are paths out there, but they will require God’s help to travel upon.
Prayers for you all.
Pingback: Addressing The Sexless Marriage, part 4 | The Curmudgeonly Librarian
What a shame. I’ve faced the same issues in my marriage. I am left with the conclusion that she will never change. My story is much like many others here. Ultimately I am faced with the choice of staying and hating it or divorcing and hurting the woman I love and my son with her. If only she would listen. This blog is great, but she refuses all advice. You can’t decide for another person.
@tony, check out Curmudgeonly Librarian’s link. There is a lot of serious thinking to be done in there, especially if you feel you’re at the end of your rope. Hang in there and keep the faith.
Umm…I am the wife and I am the one that gets ignored, shut down..left emotionally starved.
Thinking it’s just women shutting down men is such a typical Christian thing to do.
@Ash… thank you for your comment. I know you are definitely not the only wife who is rejected sexually, as I do hear from quite a few in your situation.
I have a page on my site with many posts on this topic…. https://intimacyinmarriage.com/resources/wives-who-want-more-sex-and-arent-getting-it/
I am so sorry for what you are going through. Whenever there is sexual rejection in a marriage, it is devastating.
I haven’t had sex for over 5 years, and not even a passionate kiss or embrace. He tries to convince me that it’s perfectly normal, but I know it’s not. He has rejected me so many times that I am afraid to raise the topic anymore. I’m 42 and I have a small child. I work full time and am so tired a lot of the time but my drive is still strong.
The last time I asked my husband why he wouldn’t have sex, he said that he’s not interested as that part of our marriage is over and ordered me to never talk to him about it again. I feel so undesirable and unattractive. If he loves me then I think he should at least be open to counselling, but he is 100% against it. Sometimes I think I’m disappearing into a void of sadness, unable to share any tender feelings with the man I thought was my best friend.
I have to say, some of these articles made me laugh! Albeit I’m also going through the same drama!! I have to say I like the fact that this blog is not one sided, and the ladies are also sharing their perspectives. I have the same drama with the wife, and I just gave her a letter to read pertaining to how I feel. I gave her the letter because she doesn’t seem to hear me when I speak. Please see below letter. Was I harsh? Let me know your thoughts:
I have always felt that words written down on paper have a far more resounding and lasting effect than words that dissipate once uttered. As you lay asleep right now in peaceful sleep, I have been in torment and awake for the last hour finishing the last of the alcohol that I could find in this house. Simply put, I am hurt and frustrated. I realise that my reaction an hour ago was actually me ‘snapping’, the first occurrence since our marriage began 3 years ago. As I sit here contemplating this, I realise that your sexual rejections have purely been just that, a ‘rejection’. The advantage of dating is that once someone rejects you, you do not have to see that person again. Unfortunately in marriage, you are rejected by a partner that you see daily, and constant rejection must have an effect on one’s psyche, hence me being awake at this early hour of the morning.
Saying this does not shame me. Your
rejections do.
I feel that a part of my manhood and pride gets ripped away from me every time you deny me the pleasure of being one with you. I have discussed this with you many times before and shared my concerns with you, but any positive change in your behaviour is only fleeting.
More worrying for me, I have found this to be a constant source of my unhappiness. You might think that this is because I love sex. Alas, you are mistaken. It is because I love you deeply and thoroughly enjoy the blessing and opportunity to make love to my wife any opportunity I get.
But I feel tired. Tired of always begging for sex. Tired of not feeling wanted. Tired of rejection.
I find myself questioning myself and and doubting myself because of all of the above. And self doubt has never been a phrase that has ever been in my vocabulary before.
Intimately, I feel alone. This is not an emotional space I want to be in, and unfortunately I realise that I have been in this space for a while now.
Please understand that my writing this is not indicative of me giving up in any way. Indeed, it is the opposite. It is a means of me fighting for this marriage in my own way, as I realise the way this is compromising this marriage.
I wonder what I should read into the fact that I am miserably awake right now, while you are sleeping peacefully?
“I wonder what I should read into the fact that I am miserably awake right now, while you are sleeping peacefully?”
This. It’s 2:52 am, and my wife is sound asleep, and here I am.
@AnonymousSA
“Please see below letter. Was I harsh? Let me know your thoughts”
I have a feeling that YOUR letter is gonna sound a lot like the one I have written to my husband about 50 times since he doesn’t seem to understand me when I tell him. Sad thing is that it ISN’T just women who do this. Men do it too, in fact more than you might think.
I have to say, some of these articles made me laugh! Albeit I’m also going through the same drama!! I have to say I like the fact that this blog is not one sided, and the ladies are also sharing their perspectives. I have the same drama with the wife, and I just gave her a letter to read pertaining to how I feel. I gave her the letter because she doesn’t seem to hear me when I speak. Please see below letter. Was I harsh? Let me know your thoughts:
“As you lay asleep right now in peaceful sleep, I have been in torment and awake for the last hour finishing the last of the alcohol that I could find in this house. Simply put, I am hurt and frustrated. I realise that my reaction an hour ago was actually me ‘snapping’, the first occurrence since our marriage began 3 years ago. As I sit here contemplating this, I realise that your sexual rejections have purely been just that, a ‘rejection’. The advantage of dating is that once someone rejects you, you do not have to see that person again. Unfortunately in marriage, you are rejected by a partner that you see daily, and constant rejection must have an effect on one’s psyche, hence me being awake at this early hour of the morning.”
Well, so far, you are about a 100% on track with how it feels. To the whole “snapping” thing, dude I’ve been there about every six months or so I finally lose it and go off on my husband for constantly rejecting ME for sex. Sometimes you just have to do it to make the point.
“I feel that a part of my manhood and pride gets ripped away from me every time you deny me the pleasure of being one with you. I have discussed this with you many times before and shared my concerns with you, but any positive change in your behaviour is only fleeting.”
Nothing wrong so far. I feel the same way when my husband does this to me. We will fight about it, after spending about a week COMPLETELY dismissing my complaints he will promise to change. We will be fine and about six months in after promising to do better. Though “positive change” usually doesn’t even last a month.
Then I will start getting upset again until I finally blow up on him and it repeats.
“More worrying for me, I have found this to be a constant source of my unhappiness. You might think that this is because I love sex. Alas, you are mistaken. It is because I love you deeply and thoroughly enjoy the blessing and opportunity to make love to my wife any opportunity I get.”
So far I havent seen anything I haven’t said to my husband on the matter.
“But I feel tired. Tired of always begging for sex. Tired of not feeling wanted. Tired of rejection.”
Oh man, I know that feeling. For the first six months of our marriage my husband would initiate sex. I NEVER said no, I NEVER even thought about rejecting him. But after that he just stopped and then every time I TRIED to I got an excuse until we had a fight.
“I find myself questioning myself and and doubting myself because of all of the above. And self doubt has never been a phrase that has ever been in my vocabulary before.”
Ugh, I know that feeling. The sad part for me is that there are ALWAYS other men hitting on me so apparently they see something about me that is attractive. Why doesn’t my husband? This is the thought process I have every single time.
“Intimately, I feel alone. This is not an emotional space I want to be in, and unfortunately I realise that I have been in this space for a while now.”
“Please understand that my writing this is not indicative of me giving up in any way. Indeed, it is the opposite. It is a means of me fighting for this marriage in my own way, as I realise the way this is compromising this marriage.”
“I wonder what I should read into the fact that I am miserably awake right now, while you are sleeping peacefully?”
To be honest, I think you might have been a little TOO nice in this letter. Or perhaps I’m too mean when I confront my husband on the matter. As far as leaving goes, there have been times where I would literally have to pack my bags before he would realize that I was being serious about how upset I was over constantly being rejected. It shouldn’t take me having to pack my bags but it does.
I guarantee if you did to her what she does to you she would be just as upset.
Wow! Lots of people here who are really hurting. We can probably safely assume that there must be thousands for every one that shows up here. How very sad.
I’m inclined to think that the underlying problem here is communication. Human relationships in general can be difficult and can take a lot of effort to establish good communication. The marital relationship adds another order of magnitude of complexity and difficulty to it. Human sexuality is really a lot more complex than it is for animals, because we are thinking beings and bring our thinking into it. There is no getting around the mind-body connection, and thus the need to surround the physical act of sexuality with an intensive emotional relationship that requires supreme effort to build and maintain.
I suspect that the main problem with so many people is that they just vastly underestimate how difficult this is going to be as they enter into their marriage, and how much effort it is going to take to forge and maintain a really good marriage.
That’s the problem with the idea of having a “test drive” first: in no way does the test drive even begin to simulate what it needs to be like day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year for a lifetime in order to forge and maintain a really good marital relationship. There really isn’t any similarity at all. The only thing that comes even partially close to some sort of guarantee that it will work out halfway well is a really sincere, absolute commitment from both parties to each other that they will do what it takes to make it work – for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness or in health, to death do us part. Knowing each other ahead of time well enough to know that the other person truly possesses a trustworthy character that can be relied upon to follow through on their commitment is the one thing that you really do need to know in advance.
So what to do now? Pray and seek to become the change you want to see, are the only things that I can suggest. Try to become the best spouse you can yourself, make good on your own commitment, and then pray to God that He will take that effort on your part and work a minor miracle within your spouse. I really don’t know of anything else to suggest.
My wife and myself have been married for 15 years and have had sex 3 times in the last 10 years. I have an extremely high sex drive and to me, she has no sex drive. It’s no use talking as she blames me. Go figure. She has all the benefits of my hard work and daily toil, which I’m happy to provide for her and my 3 kids,but I am really hurting and have turned to alcohol to ease the pain and numb myself down. She has NO REGARD for my sexual entitlements as a married Catholic man. I love her but she hurts me deeply
At some point is it just easier to surrender to a sex-starved marriage? Your choices are: 1- Be a maytr or a monk. 2- Maturbate frequently. Unfortunately most males need visual stimulation so some kind of nude women pics become involved ( or we can PRETEND we don’t do that). Pornograhy enters the picture in some regard. 3- Have an affair. In REAL LIFE these are the real choices. Pretty tough for the husband. You are damned if you do and damned if you don’t. BUT, the completely unrealistic expectation of the refuser wife is that you should just be a maytr. So to the wives who turn a blind eye to this situation—-don’t act surprised when 2 or 3 happens in your life. You “set the table” and thus you must now live with it. To the women who live with refuser men—there is no difference. Husband refusers should expect 2 or 3 as likely outcomes. It seems SO SIMPLE just to love and appreciate your best friend you married? Why can’t we DO THIS? Why can’t we love, appreciate, respect and make love with our special person—our spouse? I am convinced as the years pass that we can make the simplest of things complex. Loving our husband or wife is what God calls us to do in a marriage. Anything less is really NOT a Christian marriage. It is a fraud and we hurt God in the process.
@ Tractorboy from Australia: Stop the alcohol. It just makes things worse and gives more excuses. Not to mention the example it sets for the kids. The Catholic church has gone through some changes and you might want to get your priest involved.
Keep in mind that there is a reason for this and you need to find it before you can figure out how to deal with it. Pray to God for the insight you need and keep praying for the strength to endure this ordeal. See if your parish has marriage counseling available and make use of it. Your wife says it’s your fault. Why does she say that? A woman’s mind is very different from a man’s and it is easy to overlook what may seem trivial to you.
I hope and will pray you can find answers. But you need to stop the alcohol.
First of all…as a wife…most women don’t get biblical love, or they WOULD be wanting sex all the time. Secondly, my husband has NEVER been intimate. When HE chose the time for sex ( which has been seldom)…he used me like a prostitute for his selfish release. As a result I never got any release & have suffered a host of health issues. Google it.
In addition, my husband kept it a secret about his pornography addiction & masturbation. So, my christian husband has blatantly refused me, rejected me, ridiculed me, been mean to both me & my children & STILL refuses to change much. He has stopped verbally abusing, but little else has changed yet. He still is not sorry & told me he does not want to change. We’ve been separated for 7 months. We separated because of his verbal, mental & emotional abuse…it was practically killing me..literally. To continue to be in the same household during abuse & neglect is difficult…hard to recover & try to heal.
.. Now that we ate separated, I am starting to recover from all that has wracked my body, organs, emotions & hormones & my spiritual life too.
Men must be responsible for what God says in His Word & not blame his wife for being “cold” & uninterested. Loving your wives like God says is going to please God, have men’s prayers be heard AND your wife will tranform into a woman in your dreams (provided you’re lined up with God). Besides, a man is commanded to lead & love like Jesus loves His church. Amen?
This blog is so touching of its stories. I have been married for 19 months now. Since my wife had a child through ceasar, i had to wait for her for three months to heel. Thereafter, if i wanted to have sex with her, she would refuse or better still give in for the sake of being married. Afterward, i would feel guity of myself that maybe am forcing her. I have tried to understand her excuses several times because of the operation she has. But sometimes it just doesnt make sense the way she treats me , somehow feeling like i married a wrong person but i love her. It has pained me for quiet sometime that today i tried to google and found this blog. We used to kiss, but never have i been kissed ever since we married. If i tried, she wouldnt be interested, so i have to live it like that. I have tried to reason with her. Sometimes she would agree and have sex with me, but most of the times its difficulty. We do go for a week, two or three weeks without it. I dont want to involve third parties because i feel its still too early for that. Help me please because our marriage is still fresh and we are still young. We can change or she change for the better. Elias zm
I have been with my husband for over 7 years now and the sex has all but dried up. Mostly because I decline it. Woman are emotional creatures and if their emotional needs are not being met, they will not feel sexual. This is a point I have made to my husband many times. He seems completely oblivious to my emotional needs therefore I have no sexual desire for him.
He is lazy, like really lazy. He has put on a lot of weight since we got together. He doesn’t drive yet refuses to catch public transport so I have to drive him everywhere. I can’t even rely on him to go to the shop to get milk. I have so much resentment at him for being such a burden on me in this way. When I was pregnant with our son I use to have nightmares about how I would get to hospital when I went into labour (my family all live in different cities) and he would not change despite knowing how much stress this causes me.
How can I possibly feel sexually attracted to someone who is so useless at fufilling my needs. Im so full of resentment at him.
The sad thing is that I love sex and want it. Im just so bitter and dissapointed in my husband that I can’t stand the thought of him touching me. I often fantacise about sex with others but would never cheat. I have however considered leaving him many times. I worked full time and earned more than my husband till 1.5 years ago when I had my son. Now I am at stay at home mother and feel more stuck than ever.
I suspect if you are in sexless marriage you should examine how well you are meeting your partners emotional needs and how healthy the emotional side of your relationship is.
Now I am pregnant with our second child I want my children to grow up in a healthy happy home with two parents and need to fix our marriage but no idea how to feel like I want to be sexual with my husband when everything about him is so dissapointing to me. And he refuses to change.
There are always 2 sides to every story.
I married a lady 3 year ago ,and just recently I had the strength to end my suffering of rejection and mental abuse.
I prayed the Lord to make me see the light that I will be better to be single and alone then with her. at the begin she was all nice and loverly , kissy kissy cuddle while she waiting for her visa to stay in UK from the red Bear land ,and for me doing shopping cooking cleaning and spending my savings while her earnings went back to her country . Then suddenly the rejection came with 4 month of non sex making me feel worst then any AIDS sufferer.
\it will take me sometime to get over this . She probably realized that her game was up and the time for a move, while at the same time also trying to blackmail me over my assets and ownership of the house .
It was like living with a stranger in my house while Used and abused. The story has not ended yet, but am now a bit happier and relived .
I have been Married over 15 years. My wife is controlling. She has controlled her parents and almost everyone around her. She says the kids come first but out faith states that the spouses come first then everyone else. Before the kids came we had sex frequently and after the kids came it happened less and less. I made a mistake and went on a binge for 3 months and she still holds that against me. I’m going on 9+ years without using the substance that I had and have become more forthcoming with our home and kids. She says intimacy isn’t important in marriage but the money first and then the kids…She even puts her mother before me and she knows it’s wrong but she doesn’t care. It just sickens me to see her at church acting like a submissive wife and then she wants to be affectionate in front of everyone but at home it’s a different story. And know she says we’re to old now to be having sex a lot. I said ok, I’m to old to be trying to kill myself to take care of the house etc etc. So it’s llike walking on egg shells in my household now. But i’ve decided that I’m going to make me happy.
Having read your article I fall into the lines of the husband who has a wife with every excuse not to have sex, after 45 years of marriage. Now at a time when life together should be great, it is not. As I read the comments of others, oh how I wish I could get together with the ladies that are the ones desiring the love and intimacy I desire to give. It is the biblical principals that hold me from leaving my present situation, but I am dying inside.
Pingback: Care for Your Husband’s Heart - The Forgiven Wife
This is the first time I have ever posted about this, but I feel I’m at the point where I can no longer try to solve this problem alone and am looking for a little guidance.
I’m 33 years old and have been married to my wife for 6 years now, and we dated for 7 years before that. When we first met, she was a virgin and I had been with 2 people prior. She had always wanted to wait until marriage, and I completely agreed and saw the errors of my previous ways. 3 months into our relationship she told me she could not stand it anymore and wanted to make love. We both knew we loved each other and wanted to be together forever so we found ways to excuse it and gave in.
For the next year things were very hot and heavy like most new couples. The next year still really nothing out of the ordinary, once a week at least. By the third year maybe once a month. I was always patient and understanding of all of her reasons for not wanting to: too tired, headache, back sore, feeling ugly/low self esteem. Her main reason though is she says she just doesn’t have a sex drive. I know for a fact though she enjoys it when we have it and she does have release. Afterward she is a completely different person and says she wishes she wants it more because she enjoys it and she is so loving afterward and we end up doing it multiple times and it’s so confusing because I see the person I knew in the first year come back. Then the very next day she will say she feels sex isn’t important and that I just want it too much. The 4th and 5th years it got to be maybe a couple times a year which lasted for quite a while. For a man in his 20s this was very hard for me and I did grow to resent her for it which shames me.
Recently we started making love more often which is about once a month but I feel like she is doing it just so I don’t leave. If I try to initiate any more frequently then this I get a guilt trip and told that she is trying to make things better and we just has sex a few weeks ago so why am I pressuring her. I don’t feel like I am pressuring her at all, I am not rude or obscene in my advances, I try to be romantic and arrange dates and child care for our son so we have the time but she sees all of it as just being done to have sex so she feels used.
I have always done everything I can to make my wife feel loved. I have cared and provided for her, complimented her in both a non-sexual and sexual way, keep my eyes and thoughts from wondering (I have always been faithful in every sense of the word), help out with all the cooking and majority of the housework, and always do my best to build her up make her feel special and loved.
What she can’t understand is that when she refuses me I feel unloved. I have decent self esteem so it doesn’t make me feel ugly or not worthy of love, just unloved by her. I know that I could leave and have a very fulfilling relationship sexually with another woman because I am a desirable man, but she is the only woman I want for the rest of my life. I’m as attracted to her as I was the first time I laid eyes on her, I still get aroused at the site of her and she is the only woman I even fantasize about.
The kicker to all of this is apart from the sex, we are still intimate. We hold hands, we kiss and hug, and have a great relationship still. We are excellent parents together and still have a lot of fun. It’s just the sex, and that’s what she can’t understand. She tells me all the time we have such a perfect relationship why can’t we just focus on that and forget about the sex. I have tried but I just can’t. It’s like a force I can’t control and no matter how much I try not to see her as an object of desire I just can’t.
I don’t want to ever leave my wife, but am I doomed to live sexually frustrated forever? To feel unloved like this forever? The thought is almost as unbearable as the thought of not being with her. I’m in tears right now writing this and trust me that’s rare for me, but I just feel hopeless sometimes. Do you think she will ever change? She tells me she will and says she will get help but never does. She says she’s terrified to go to any kind of counselling or therapy because she says she’s scared they will find so much wrong with her and she will be on medication forever. It scares me when she talks like that because I know she is depressed and has low self esteem but I think it might be to a level even she is afraid to talk about. I have tried to help her but I don’t think I can anymore and she needs someone more qualified then me to help her. How can I convince her of that? I am so sorry for the length of this. I really should have let some of this out before now I guess!
Sounds like your first husband found someone who actually thought he was worthy of love.
Too bad you didn’t think he was.
I need help for me I am a woman and my Christian husband denies me. He says if I be good then he will do that with me. I am tired, shamed. I love him and I do everything I can for him and our family, but I don’t think I deserve to be treated so low. He doesn’t have pacience. Every time I try to give him advice on christian life he gets made at me and hits me. He tells me he is a grown man and he knows what his is doing. It is a hard situation because I am a pastor also. I don’t know what to do and I have been praying to God.
I have been in this situation for almost three years.
I found your blog and must admit, the statement I love the most is about Satan.
As a Muslim, I have similar beliefs as Christians but I never got a viewpoint as great as this – I had tears in my eyes understanding the game Satan can play to get believers segregated from God.
I love my wife to bits but the lack of intimacy made me “feel” I had to cheat! I have kept holding back and today – God sent me an answer through your post – Satan’s winning.
May I take this opportunity to wish you, your family and your loved ones a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
@GratefulReader… Thank you for your kind words about my post and taking the time to comment.
Many blessings and much encouragement to you…
Thanks for this wonderful article. It made me happy that if I leave my wife .. she might understand some day that I really was a catch.
I’m a sexually frustrated husband of a 20yr marriage. I really don’t need sex all the time. Just a little sort of physical touch or something would be nice. She was sexual when we were engaged years ago. She seems to enjoy our once a year sex….. I’m glad at least one of us has their needs met.
I’ve nagged her to please communicate with me.. I was finally told a few months ago that I offended her years ago (I’ve never cheated) and that resentment has prevented her from being in love with me. I’ve since been trying ask for forgiveness and to do all I can to bring back the attraction she once saw in me. I’ve done everything to make myself more attractive; lost 50lbs, exercise, good hygene, wear nice clothes, complement her,… but all I’ve done is attract a couple other cute ladies…. but I’m only interested in my wife. She rejects any sort of romance, dates, or evening walks. But she’ll only do that with our kids or her siblings.
I just need to see something that says I’m cutting it as a husband and father. I work so hard as an small business owner providing for her financially. The only time off I do have… i spend fixing her car, our house, our landscape, and being a father to our kids. I just need a little something once in a while to communicate to me that I’m wanted as a husband. Porn and seeing pictures of other ladies naked bodies don’t do it for me (unless I imagine my wife). She’s grossed out if I make a mess with a wet dream on her clean sheets. I hate having to resort to masturbation every few weeks. I don’t want to be a desperate man. The rejection I feel in our bed forces me to the couch where I don’t sleep well. Arggg !!
I’ve been trying to keep my little family of six together !! This is what God wants.. he wants a strong family unit!!
My family needs me as a provider, father, husband and leader. My son needs me to be an example. I don’t want him to leave his wife some day! My daughter needs her daddy to raise her also. But how can I stay in this misery?? I’m confident I could find another loving wife if I had to. Should I put my own needs aside and stay in this misery for my family and God? I will not let Satan destroy one of Gods best families!
.. but dang I am so lonely
This is my life as a wife. I’m so tired of feeling this way. I’m a Christain woman. I suffer when I’m at work & some gorgeous man walks into my office & I find myself fantasizing about him but knowing I’m sinning against God. I’m left with so much guilt that it is destroying me.
I simply just want to go on with my life & move on, but I don’t want to hurt my children. Leaving their father is the worst thing I could ever do to them. They love him very much.
I understand marriage isn’t based on raising children, I know my kids shouldn’t be the reason I stay.
Everyday day I suffer from having all this pent up sexual tension. The worst thing I ever done was become flirtatious with other men because I miss the attention of a man. I miss being adored, kissed, made love to.
I miss feeling sexy & wanted.
I am so fed up. I really just want to move on.
Abandoned wife.
Wow just wow so many men and women going thru this-i am a member also, like many others im guessing i never spoke of the situation with anyone out of shame i guess. so for a couple of years i just buried and carried it. there is not enough time to explain all but in general it is similar to all the others. together for over 25 years kids house work full time ect. sex 5 times in the past year and when i brought it up the last time she says she dont ever want to have it again and never wanted to have it ever-she claims if ( 25 plus years mind you) she knew she woukd have to have sex all time she never woukd have married! im sure some people are reading this and have quesrions- i will try to guess. sex life was great until about 2 years ago-even if she was not really in the mood she would say i suppose or tell me what i needed to do during the day to make sure she was hot later that night. i know people are saying oh something happen what was it? i have tried to talk about it to the point of crazy and she says its just this simple dont want it dont need it. i have asked in a calm voice , do my needs matter? ( she dont work and has the whole deal-house car money pets, food and clothing social life ect ect. her reply to me is why i started reading these posts- you are more than welcome to go find someone else to meet your needs oh at this point i should add we are christians. after that i lost my calm a little and asked what rhe hell kind of thing is that for a christian woman to say for her man to do? it was added then or i could get a bottle of lotion and a stack of porno mags and get myself off. people i am sick of being crabby all the time and people asking me whats wrong and having to say nothing everything is fine. as i type this i am starting to realize i might not give a dam anymore.
I have been married to my Christian wife for 20 years. She has told me that she prayed for God to send her someone & when I showed up she was happy. For a couple of years we had sex 1-2 times a week,then 1-2 times a month,then,none. She won’t kiss me,hold hands,or even tell me that she loves me anymore. I used to ask for sex but she would turn it into a fight and after a few years of this I had to move into our spare bedroom.when I asked her why she didn’t want to be with me she told me,I don’t know maybe I’m crazy.( meaning her) I will not leave her because of my religion but I feel as if our marriage is over. It has gotten to the point where I masturbate once in a while & then feel guilty for sinning against God. She won’t talk to anyone about this with me & I am at the end of my ropes. One more thing,some years ago she got pregnant & aborted our baby against my wishes & I feel I should have been able to do anything to keep my child. She was a blessing from God!
I have been married for 17 years to my husband we have four teenage kids. My husband is 20 yrs older than I am I’m in my fourties. I have tried everything to help h with his pre ejaculating problems in the past, now he is totally impotent. We tried pills shots he went to counselling once. Now he just have given up and so have I . The last time we were going to be intimate on our anniversary he muddied up the sheets when I was trying to please him , and he still couldn’t get an erection.and I was turned off by the smell on the sheets,so I stopped. And he doesn’t make himself desirable to me he doesn’t take care of his hygiene. I’m exuasted and sad. I just don’t know what to do and I want to leave. I take care of him and the kids . I feel lonely and frustrated .Now he just doesn’t feel sex as a priority any more in our relationship, unfortunately now neither do I.
Oh and that’s not all now it’s like even if I am in lingerie and wanting to have sex he’s too tired and falls asleep. And the nights tired he says the next day that he took the pill the night before and blames me for not knowing that he did, even though we both know the pills don’t work or gives him a headache the next day which makes me feel bad. I’ve gone to counseling on my own I’ve talked to my minister and No one understands that I’m just done. We also tried porn together which he used to watch when he was single after we had kids he didn’t want it in the house anymore I understood that. But now it’s nothing.
I’m 22 and my wife is 25,Yesterday was mine and my wife’s one year anniversary and it has been five months since we’ve have made love. I’ve done everything I can possibly think of to to have our special time. I’m a pile driver and I work Long days and when I get home I spend time with her and our son, cook dinner with her feed the horses pick up the house a little and give her a break and let her take a bath and relax. And I just do all that to help as much as possible. My son is a hand full about to turn two and she is a stay at home mom so I like to play with our son because that’s all the time I get, and I usually work 6 days and sometimes 7. But when we put our son to bed around 7:30 I sometimes I try to put her in the mood and I’ve been told no a lot I’ve tried to give her a massage relax her and everything but she always says I’m to tired I don’t feel good or some part of her body hurts and I just let her say no basically. I’m very sexual active like a normal or above normal 22 year old. She does have a thyroid problem which I read could be a problem but she is on medication for it. And for a while I’ve gained some weight while she was pregnant, and then about four months ago we both went on a diet and and she lost 60 pounds and I lost 40, and then started to go to the gym thinking she didn’t think I was very attractive so I started working out and getting in great shape like I was when we first started dating, and that wasn’t it, so I don’t know anymore I don’t know what to do. And giving up isn’t a option I love this woman with everything i have and it’s been like that since the day I met her.
MD I can’t thank you enough your comment. I feel so desperated that I even considered suicide. Your words are exactly was I needed to hear, you put me exactly in front of my weakness. Thank you may God bless you.
Believe me when I say, “Thank you”…
I had no idea there were others like me; that have not had sex with their wives for 9 + years. This is a truly GREAT forum for me.
Ever since she had our child she has not wanted any parts of sex and will not seek any kind of help.
Broken promises’s of “yeah tonight” or “definitely tomorrow hunny” are thrown around like toothpicks at a buffet.
Learned a new word today: EMASCULATE
HELP…
What about a husband who denies sex? Is that ok?…its not always the wife you know. I’m at my wits end, I would never betray my husband, I don’t raise it as an issue often, because I don’t want him to feel guilty….but, I just want to make love to him. I feel so sad, lonely and unloved. He was so good at it when we first got together, I never imagined he would stop, and I know very well he adores me….I’m disappointed you only mentioned wives, as if it never happens the other way around. Please, what are your thoughts about husbands with holding sex from wives.
@Alice… thank you for your comment. I do have a page on my site full of posts on the topic of wives who want more sex and aren’t getting it. You may find some helpful insights on that page. Here it is: https://intimacyinmarriage.com/resources/wives-who-want-more-sex-and-arent-getting-it/
I am very pissed off right now, i am looking a getting a girlfriend which i have not done since last 8 years.
my wife does not like sex and it is very very frustrating and i can’t bear it any more.
I have sat her down many times, explained to her the importance of intimacy from perspective of a man but all effort proves abortive.
I am really fed up but considering the children all this while, i thought she will change but she is getting worse. i can count the number of times i have sex with her in a year and she cares about is sleeping. very very annoying.. it has got to climax and i cant bear it any more
the fear of God has being keeping me away from adultery but as it i am pressed to the wall and it seems to be no other available option than to have a girlfriend or marry another wife and quit the marriage
Hi,
I am very pissed off right now, I am looking a getting a girlfriend which I have not done since last 8 years.
My wife does not like sex and it is very very frustrating and I can’t bear it any more.
I have sat her down many times, explained to her the importance of intimacy from perspective of a man but all effort proves abortive.
I am really fed up but considering the children all this while, I thought she will change but she is getting worse. I can count the number of times I have sex with her in a year and she cares about is sleeping. very very annoying.. It has got to climax and i can’t bear it any more
The fear of God has being keeping me away from adultery but as it I am pressed to the wall and it seems to be no other available option than to have a girlfriend
Guya same to me
I am a married man for 6 yrs now. Its 3:00 am now sitting to my sofas thinking a lot of things. My wife is treating me low. I occasionally having sex with her and in all time i have to initiate it. Even though i normally enquire it 3-5 days before, when it come the date the whole day she kept herself busy like a hell, then give me excuses that shes tired.
I have spoken to her that shes stressing me up with her behaviour and i don’t want to cheat on her (actually girls are crying for me) but i am a servant of God i wouldn’t do that. I have tried my best to talk to her, what i get back from her is fuming. I am tired of it, her actions have put me in bad relationship with God, i can’t pray because i guilty… pray for what?
We have two kids, one day i reached a point of cheating on her but when i looked at my beatiful boys…i just start crying…i aborted it. Please help, i love my wife, i love my God, i live my kids but i am emotionally sick and tired.