marriage problems, sexual intimacy, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
5 Dangers of Regularly Saying “No” to Sex
Nov
Is it dangerous to deny your husband sex? I personally believe it can be…
Here are 5 Dangers of Regularly Saying “No” to Sex:
1. You compromise your marriage vows — and possibly your marriage itself.
Long ago, in my first marriage, as my husband was walking out on our life, I was somewhat shocked to discover that he had been drawn to another woman. But as the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20.
I see clearer now what I did not comprehend then.
If the raw pain of my divorce taught me anything it’s that sex cannot be taken for granted in a marriage. A thousand “could-haves, should-haves, would-haves” cannot begin to express the regret I have that we did not address the sexual struggles in our marriage.
I know what some of you are thinking. “Well, my husband would never cheat. He would never leave.” That may be true.
But the flip side is he may hate staying.
Though his heart, hands and feet may not wander to other beds, his eyes and thoughts easily could. I hear from husbands all the time who…
…hate the situation they are in.
…hate the desperate loneliness of constant sexual rejection.
…hate feeling trapped by Christian morals they have grown to resent.
I’m not saying there is justification in adultery or walking out the door because of sexual apathy. What I’m saying is that if you regularly deny sex to your husband, you are indeed compromising your marriage vows and making your marriage more vulnerable to attack.
I should know. I have been there. And I have done that.
2. You buddy-up to Satan.
Satan’s go-to method is division. He knows that sexual intimacy is an incredibly bonding force created by the Lord to strengthen married couples and endear them to one another.
Obviously, Satan doesn’t want you endeared or strengthened or bonded to the very person with whom you have a covenant relationship.
When you disregard sex, you give Satan one more firm foothold on which to stand as he relentlessly seeks to cause division in your marriage. Seriously. That’s what is going on. If this is news to you, I pray that big red “Danger” signs are flashing in your mind right now.
I pray too that the harshness of those realities does not shame you or guilt you to your knees, but humbly brings you surrendered to your knees.
Ask the Lord to help you reclaim the ground in your marriage that has been given to Satan… especially any ground that you gave to him.
3. You hurt the person you love.
You do love him, right?
Well, if he is like most husbands, one of the ways he best receives that love is when you regularly enjoy sex with him. It’s not the only way he receives love, but if you were to ask him, “Do you feel loved by me when I’m enthusiastic about sex? What does it mean to you when I make sex a priority?” — what would he say?
Be brave. Go ask him. Doing so may stop you from the danger of hurting the person you love.
4. You ignore time-tested wisdom of nearly every marriage counselor.
The very people who make their living from listening to distraught couples in desperately broken places would tell you that when sex is ignored in a marriage, danger is lurking just around the corner.
Counselors become intimately aware of the costs that are paid when a husband or wife has forsaken their marriage bed, whether it be to another lover or simply to selfish or careless neglect.
5. You tell God that He must be wrong.
At its core, this is possibly the most devastating danger of regularly saying “no” to sex. It grieves God’s heart.
Dig deep into God’s Word and it becomes abundantly clear the precious value He puts on sex in marriage, as well as the agonizing consequences when a married couple mishandles or ignores it. Whenever he speaks of marriage, including sexual intimacy, He longs for us to understand its significance.
Through a lot of soul searching and humble reflection, I know that long ago I had a hand in putting my first marriage in danger. While sex was not the only contributing factor, I’d be foolish to not recognize the role it played.
My heart is that you see the dangers of regularly saying “no” to sex before you find yourself looking back on similar regrets.
Copyright 2012, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
A lot of complaining and belly aching to which I can relate. I have grown cynical with all of the proposed solutions, such as do more around the house, be active with kids, communicate your frustration, pray together about it. This has no positive effect on our issue. My wife constantly tells me she hates sex and has no desire whatsoever. She further states that I am a freak for wanting sex. The continued rejection, constant belittling, and open disdain is undermining my self esteem, confidence, and optimistic outlook.
My wife is a counselor herself so trying to have a rational discussion about this is a fools errand. I am attracted to my wife still but that is beginning to diminish as it is hard to set yourself up for false hope on a regular basis. I do not want quick meaningless mercy sex. I want to be intimate with my wife , but the devil is in our bedroom and I want him out of there. Prayer is only solution as I see it so please say one for us.
I am so hurt and frustrated and I don’t know what else to do or who else to turn to. I am a 42 year old female that has a husband that says he loves me and my children. We have been married 4 years and he came into my life and my children and we all love him…but he has a testosterone problem. But before this problem..he didnt touch me or anything. We just gave each other pecks on the cheek and thats it. I love my husband and I understand that sometimes men have low ER dysfunction..but I have told him we could still be intimate in other ways but he shuts me down and refuses. He says he loves me and there is no one else but he makes me feel unwanted and it has been almost 6 months since we were intimate and now he says we should just end the marriage because I am always nagging him for sex. Help me please…
Iam married for 4 yrs and my husband never had sex with me. I dnt think that any woman on this earth has a miserable life like mine. Im just living coz im not dead.
@Frustrated Too… I’m so sorry for what you are experiencing. It sounds like you have tried to talk to your husband and he doesn’t understand the depth of the pain. If I were you, I would suggest marriage counseling… that you don’t want a divorce, but that the lack of physical intimacy is discouraging and difficult. If he refuses to go, I would encourage you to go on your own, not only to get the insights of a trained professional christian counselor, but also to demonstrate to your husband that this is indeed a serious issue to you and you are going to do all you can to make the marriage stronger.
I also would find at least 2 other mature Christian women with whom you can confide, pray, seek wise counsel. THese would be women who would keep your conversation in confidence and would not bash your husband, but would pray for your marriage.
I am thinking he doesn’t understand the depth of the pain. I imagine he is embarrassed by his low testosterone, erectile dysfunction, etc., but continue to encourage him that you want the two of you to work together on your physical intimacy. If he has not already spoken to doctors, encourage him to do so. But even if there are not easy solutions, I agree with you that there are other ways to be sexually intimate that can strengthen the marriage.
@nichra… why has your husband never wanted to have sex? I obviously don’t know your situation, but I’m sensing there are struggles or unresolved issues he has not dealt with that are affecting his ability to get close. Have you suggested counseling? Is he willing to talk about it all?
At any rate, you do need wise counsel and support, so I encourage you to talk to mature Christian women about how to navigate. Your life is indeed worth living.
I thought I was the only one experiencing this kind of rejection. My wife has lost touch of making love, even kissing, touching and above all never tells me that she loves me. I pray to God quite often that she’ll get better at being intimate. I now only rely on God to help me overcome this rejection for I fear and trust God alone. Thanks for all these comments as they somehow made me feel better realising I’m not the only one in this paradox.
@Tjedza: I disagree with your approach. Prayer with no consequences only makes you older and bitter. I don’t want you to commiserate with more people, I want you having the intimacy you’re entitled to, man! Tell your wife that sexually starving you is over, and that unless she decides to obey God’s command at being available for you, she has chosen to end the marriage. Pack your things and get ready to go, you’re already there except for the paperwork. If you do NOT give an ultimatum, you’ll be in an affair or porn soon enough. Your wife is NOT allowed to deny you sex and expect you to act as if nothing is wrong or missing. It’s fish or cut bait time.
Amy, if you’re still among us, I just want you to know that I’m praying for you especially. Your story is a heart-wrenching one, and nobody deserves to go through what you have.
I can’t believe that some of you are suggesting that men cheat and look at porn if they are rejected by their wives. You all are sinning and are wrong. Please do not tell men to cheat on their wives. you will be punished for suggesting adultery to these men. Let them work out their problems.
@Jean… well, I’m certainly not suggesting anyone look at porn or commit adultery.
And honestly, I think most Christians would not suggest such choices. Anyone who looks at porn or commits adultery certainly is accountable for their sin and will have to give account to God for how they have lived.
Likewise, wives who regularly deny their husbands sex need to also seek scripture and understand where they too can repent of any sins.
@Jean … I can’t see how anyone could possibly read ANYTHING on this site that anyone is suggesting that men SHOULD cheat and SHOULD look at porn if their wives reject them (either once or frequently).
I think what most people would say is: If you are a wife, and you constantly reject your man, then don’t be surprised if what the BIBLE says comes true:
1 Cor 7:5
Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
“So that Satan may not tempt you”. IE, a married couple should have regular frequent sex – if you DON’T, GOD’S word says that SATAN WILL tempt you.
For a man who is regularly denied sexual intimacy, what is more tempting than porn? Or having an affair with a woman who DOES offer herself to him?
So, people here are NOT saying “If your wife denies you frequent sex, intimacy, or affection, look at porn and have an affair!” No, they are not saying that.
What they are saying is “If you deny your husband (or wife!) sexual intimacy, DON’T be surprised if porn or an affair comes into being”.
Why? Because that is what the bible says. Satan will tempt you, and one of the ways to STOP Satan right in his tracks is to encourage sexual intimacy between you and your spouse.
It seems everytime I ask my husband for sex, because my sex drive is higher than his, he tells me he will see, or if you fall asleep before me we can/t. But before he used to wake me up while sleeping and we go for it. But seems like when he want to be with me I don’t refuse, unless our kids is up. Out of a month we may have sex (3 times). We both are in our late 30’s been married for 12 years, & it seems like it was desired more when we was dating. I just don’t know, But I HAVE needs.
Julie, i have been married 12 yrs, my husband is the greatest, we both agree we have a great sex life-except the only time i get affection from him is during sex- this started about five years ago. I have talked to him till I’m blue in the face, i have wrote him letters, sent him texts, trying to make him understand how feel when after sex we have nothing to do with each physically until next time- i give him sex ANYTIME he wants, but if I don’t feel good or I’ve been sick, he respects that & dosent even try- he’s a wonderful father to our kids, a great provider, but I’m tired of feeling like a piece of meat literally. It makes me feel that i am a nothing and not worth his affection unless we headed to bedroom, & I’m tired of it- he knows how i feel but nothing changes-i can tell Im starting to resent him-if he came to me like i have came to him time after time & asked me to change something that bothered him i would do everything in my power to change for him- & i have told him that- if i try to talk about it, its just another big argument about how i can never be satisfied. Im an easy person to get along with- i work, take care of the kids, keep a clean house, but I’m lonely & nothing i do or say ever changes anything- the only thing i haven’t tried is telling him no to sex, which would shock him, but maybe that would get him thinking bc nothing else had, i would appreciate any advice you could give me, but I don’t plan on discussing it with him anymore, bc i get extremely hurt and things get worst & he just dosent get it
@Anna… I’m so sorry to hear about your husband’s lack of concern for your feelings. I do not have easy answers, but I don’t believe saying “no” to sex on a consistent basis is really going to improve the situation.
I encourage you to find 1-2 safe mature female Christians who can pray with you, pray for your marriage and give you Godly insights. These would be women who would not bash your husband, but would genuinely come along side you and encourage you and listen. I know this doesn’t solve the situation if your husband does not want to change his ways, but it will give you support as you navigate.
1 Corinthians ch 7 “The Principles of Marriage.” I love my wife of 29 years but not to long ago,she always rejected and I was very sexually active so I went to porn and taking care of it myself.While I watched porn on at least one occasion my wife was almost having an affair or so she says.She was at least having a emotional affair with a person she could feel and touch but it led to huge fights.I finally told my wife how I felt and why and for about 9 months straight,we made love almost every night but mainly because of her needs but recently,she started calling me names,putting me down and really made me feel bad.I love my wife very much but she’s hurt me so bad,made me feel ashamed,and keeps bringing my ED up,I’m ready to leave it at what it is.We took vows and I never remember taking an oath to see how bad I can make my wife feel,or how many times do I have to put up with this.I want to love and be loved.When we dated there never was a problem but I can’t handle it any more,it’s killing me.I have all kinds of health problems now and my magic wond doesn’t work like it use too.I put up with 29 years of abuse and she turns into the devil when I can’t get the wond to work.
After two years of being told no and I’m ready to walk. Now, it’s not just the lack of oneness and intimacy that’s got me looking for an apartment, but her attitude towards sex carried over into almost all other areas. We didn’t have sex on our wedding night because she was too tired. That was just the start of things being on her timeframe, what she wanted, when she wanted, etc., without any regard for my needs, health, or circumstances, and not just when it came to sex. But since that’s what this post is about, I’ll focus on that. We’ve been married for 5.5 years and we’ve had sex I believe 18 times; again none in the last 2 years. A routine occurrence was she would have to “mentally prepare herself” a few days before, and if I did anything to irritate her or “fall short of the glory” of her, then she was off the hook and I “didn’t deserve sex with her.” That’s in quotes because that’s what she would say.
No matter what i do, not how much I do around the house to help her, it’s not enough. She will find something wrong out some fault to absolve her from having to be intimate. I know and firmly believe that husband are to love our wives as Christ loves the church. That means we are to be a servant to our wives. (“The son of man came not to be served but to serve”) I have tried so hard to be that way with her, but to no avail. Yes I have made mistakes and sinned against her, God, and our marriage. I have never cheated on her (though I’ve been very tempted to try), physically abused her, done drugs, came home drunk, or anything like that. She hates smoking and I’ve done that behind her back. I have lied to her about what time i got off work and taken the extra time to smoke and be by myself to get away from the hurt and hostile environment that is our home. I’ve messed up things financially, but God saw us through that. I came clean and admitted it to her a year ago and haven’t done any of that since.
Still, she will not forgive me because I “haven’t earned it”. (Sound familiar?) That’s an example as to how her attitude with regard to sex carried over. She KNOWS what the Word of God says about forgiveness, but she won’t do it because her situation is different; because I haven’t done enough to deserve it. She KNOWS what the Word of God says about not having dominion over our bodies, and she KNOWS that by denying sexual intimacy she has opened an avenue to Satan and temptation and other division. But, she doesn’t care because her situation is different.
So, if she won’t listen to the Holy Spirit or to the word of God, why should I think she would listen to a marriage counselor? She mentioned counseling last night and I asked her point blank if she would do what the counselor suggests and change what he or she points out. She said, “I don’t need to change. You’re the one who messed up and your screwed up in the head.” So on essence counseling means we go so I can be tools what a bad husband I am, but there will be no mention of what she has done, and she certainly want listen to any precedent she might have set on or wedding night.
I see there is a lot of frustration but people forget Col 3:19 “Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them.” How do you love, what is love? Love is sacrificial, “For God so loved the world that He GAVE his only Son…John 3:16 (I do not think God is bitter, or frustrated about it, he gave out of love period, not because he hoped for something in return.) Or if you read Ephes 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and GAVE Himself up for her…” – I read all these comments from people who just expect something in return from the partner to pay for what they have sacrificed, e.g. the number of sex hours forgone for their partner to sleep or watch TV or smth, so now the partner has to pay for that with what: some 1 Cor 7:5 and that is, as the verse says, because one lacks self control – opposed to the fruits of the spirit – see Galatians 5: 22-23: “love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control”. How about you go to your wife who says no to you all the time and just hold her and kiss her and just say you do not want sex, just want to hold her, try a bit of platonic instead for a while (you probably do not do that anymore, way too bitter for this kind of stuff, rolling your eyes at this suggestion?). And promise yourself first that you will not have sex with her for a month no matter what, even if she wants to (!) just like when you were not married. And dont walk around the house with all that repressed frustration and hormones boiling inside you, like an unsatisfied bull (not romantic at all btw, and definitely will not help with your need). Be joyful instead. Maybe your partner doesnt want you because they find it not appealing to see that you are sooo obsessed about one thing that you cant be happy about anything anymore. And obviously Internet and auto pleasing are not going to help you with this, you are just feeding the monster inside you. I know that the partner is not supposed to refuse you, but that is THEIR SIN. Which will not justify yours obviously – your thoughts about divorce and leaving and cheating are YOUR SIN, so God will not judge you in groups and the bible says follow CHRIST not YOUR WIFE/HUSBANDS EXAMPLE. But most of the time people are looking for a reason to fall – well you can justify yourself in your own eyes and put your conscience to sleep, but God sees all those evil thoughts in your mind and hears those mean remarks you might give to your partner, and you shall give account for every idle word you say Matt 12:36. And if one holds the other’s needs above their own, as the same bible says, then they will be happy with less, because the other wants less. From reading these lines I see so much repressed anger/frustration that I imagine what a person like that would be like and I would find it very hard to live in the same house with someone like that, let alone be intimate with such a person. And another q I have, what kind of a man is that who would have sex with a woman who doesnt want them, sitting there like a corpse, honestly, that would be pathetic. Especially since the famously quoted verse says about partners being “together” so there needs to be a oneness in spirit before being together. So maybe you should work first on your relationship etc in a platonic way and mend that, without zooming so much on your need and not letting it drive you, exercise some self control a bit…. the fact that she doesn’t feel attracted anymore should actually raise a q in your head, and becoming so low and cheap to go to Internet or yourself is not going to make anyone love you more, maybe pitty you – how can a wife have any more respect for their husband when they are behaving like that, and when respect is lost, it is a downward slope from there …. ask yourself why is it a chore rather than a pleasure to be with you, is it because you are too selfish in the whole business? Maybe the other person doesnt love you anymore? Maybe you’ve become strangers rather than get closer together, spend more time fighting together than praying together …. If everything in this world is spiritual, then that is where it all starts. And if one would follow Christ’s example instead of their sinful nature, I am sure there would be a change in their person that would be so obvious to their partner, see Romans 8:12. There are Christians who are not married and can exercise self control, therefore someone should be able to do that for a while, while mending their relationship, as that is the basis of a trully Christian marriage. So I find that instead of throwing bible verses at each other in order to bargain for physical pleasure, a husband and wife should first work on fixing their broken relationship, and the rest will come naturally once they become one.
i dont know where to start. i read all these post’s and realize i am not the only one in pain. my spouse feels her desire of once every 3 or 4 months is enough. i suffered sudden cardiac death 5 years ago and sometimes wonder if i still alive only to be punished or have the boot upon my neck ,so to speak. this has gone on for over 30 years and i keep hoping she will come around,but now i am just waiting for my life to be over…..
My wife and I are young both 26 and we have a 19 month old daughter. She is a wonderful loving mother and a wonderful person, but it seems that I just can’t get her to pursue sex. We both have careers and I understand that she works very hard and long hours she is an engineer and thus has a high stress job. I am an art teacher and so due to me being done with work earlier in the day I make sure to pick up our daughter every day and hurry home and have dinner ready for us when she gets home at five approximately an hour or so after us. She gets home and naturally runs to our daughter and is very warm and playful to her, I say naturally because of course our daughter needs her hug from mommy and she is a baby still, but then the next to be greeted is our dog at which point she always heads to the restroom and from there our days usually follow this schedule. I serve her dinner and ask about her day if she has a lot to share I sit and listen if not I begin getting the kitchen cleaned up and doing laundry etc. I then bathe our daughter though she does so often as well and we also will both put her to sleep. At this point I will do another load of laundry and take a shower. By this time she has sat down on the couch and is either working more or watching T.V. If i get her to come to bed and try to initiate sex she treats it like a chore which is too much of a turn off for me to handle. I will say she by far pulls her weight in terms of responsibility in the house. I will never take that away. She takes care of mail and she drops the baby off in the morning at daycare. Financially her paycheck is triple mine and her job gives her a lot of stress. But I find that even when she’s had a great day at work, I’ve suprised her with flowers and dinner, and I’ve spent time doing pedicures for her and with her, she is still more interested in T.V. and sleep. I understand I have a huge libido and that sex isn’t always paramount in her mind but just once I want to be the one who is pursued.
Um first off, if a woman doesn’t feel like it, she doesn’t feel like it. Second, maybe the husband is not treating her like a person with emotional needs but instead as a sexual object. Third, god only made people sexual so we could reproduce. And fourth if he’s just going to run off and screw the first chick he finds because he hasn’t had any nookie lately, chances are he didn’t love you to begin with.
U said it…and hit the spot….wife not pregnant sex 2 times every 6 weeks wife four month pregnant dont want it at all…she is 30 i am 38 and in great shape…my heart wants to cheat so bad but i am not allowing it to happen. …but flesh is week she keeps this up it will not be long before i do astray and dont want to but will . I have spoke w my wife 100 times in four years about this but nothing happened yet i go out i get look at alot by ladys but i ignore it ……sometimes i think she has another man her phone always on silience and w her she says so our child sleeps good at night,,,and in afternoon creditors dont call her ….i have seen a text from man she went over his home w our daughter and next day he text my wife ….i am board lets makeout lol.she said nothing happened. …then a month. Later she pic text her in bikini to a coworker supposedly had a girlfriend and said nothing happened. …i am to the point where this keeps happening i will astray without her nowing yes it will hurt that i would do that but however i dont no no other way
Thanks for the comments everyone.
@sai… I don’t think you understand my post. And possibly not even the Bible based on your comment. But that’s okay… we can agree to disagree.
@Cale and @bill… I’m saddened by your situations. I know that there are many others who are experiencing what you are. I wish I had easy answers. I strive to speak to both husbands and wives about the extreme importance of both taking responsibility for the marriage, including sexually. Often, I do hear of situations where one person wants nurtured intimacy and the other is indifferent. Breaks my heart.
I get the whole denial is a bait to satan..But what happens when you are in a marriage where your feelings are not considered..For instance…There have been times I have just not been in the mood..and my husband will continue to pursue to get his need met..whether it be by guilting me…or making me feel like I am wrong for not being in the mood says “c’mon it will only take a few minutes”..so I have given in put my needs aside and let him have his way to avoid hearing about how bad of a wife I am..even though I didn’t want to.. then afterwards he throws it back at me that I wasn’t into it…that felt like he was having sex with a board..dead person…so either way I cannot win..He has came up with a quota that he has placed in his mind..and says that if he didn’t he would never get any…I just recently informed him when he brought up afterwards one night how I wasn’t in to it…and I said honestly I have begun to feel resentment…from being forced/coerced/guilted into it…and he said that He shouldn’t have to do those things I should want to be with him and love him enough…but my thoughts are His love for me should be a trigger to him to respect me enough to not force/guilt me…to not have quota “just to make sure he gets some” ….He says I am selfish…but I think the same of him..what man lays down with his wife and guilts/nags to get his way…then slams it at her that it wasn’t good enough cause she wasn’t into it…Well why do it then if it wasn’t what you wanted it to be? Why repeat the same thing just so you can meet the quota you have made up……..I don’t think this article touches base on any of that…so a wife should never say no yet she allows him to have his way and develops resentment? Now What?
Usually she is at home and enough rest. But whenever i want it, she turn me down. Always tired. But if she gives in, it seems she dont enjoy it. She want me to finish it fast. She even say no this and no that. I dont get it. I feel hurt whenever she acts like that. But when i tell her, she said nothing. She said i give what. She even give me her annoyed face. But she dont get it what i meant and how i felt. What i want is to feel love not just the sex itself. I want the intimacy to be there. I always felt that im not good in sex or she’s not interested doing it with me anymore. Maybe there is no more love. What should i do? Any advice on this? I cant prolong this anymore. It hurts me as a husband. I think every husband would feel the same.
I’ve had a very challenging marriage. Sometimes I think my wife is crazy. We are both believers and we are in fulltime ministry. However, I feel like she always wants to be in control and if she looses control in anything she falls into deep depression. She used to fall into rage, but we went to counseling and she is now taking medicine. She is more considerate of my needs and borders today, but still wants to call the shots. She doesn’t want the roles to be biblically put back in order where either we are equal or I call the shots. Now she acts like a loving husband who is considerate but still wants to call the shots and isn’t willing to budge on that role- sometimes she says we are equal but plays the “we need to be in unity card” and doesn’t budge on her position knowing I will budge first or gives me the silent treatment if I refuse to budge. And when I do what I want without being in “unity” she plays the ” you are passive agressive” charge.
Even in sex, she wants to be in control. I have never initiated sex without her making me feel awful about it, and the answer is 99% no. She was sexually abused in a one-time event as a kid and she plays that card all the time (she is 40 now, I think she needs to get over it and she has overplayed that card to stay in control all the time). She uses that card when people confront her about attitude problems or relationship issues. Everytime someone confronts her, its “my childhood!”. There comes a time to grow up and stop leaning on your hurts from your childhood as an excuse for bad behavior. She uses it as an excuse to control, be emotional, in the past rage, and she propogates that she is a victim all the time (although the victimhood ended 30 years ago!). She expects everyone to extend grace to her because of her childhood, yet is harsh and extends grace to nobody. She wants everybody to be in her shoes, but doesn’t want to give grace to others and see things from their shoes. As a minister its hard for me to watch as well knowing how she needs to let go of her victim mentality and extend grace to herself and to others. Yet, I’m not allowed to confront. She has a good relationship with God, but says only God can confront her. Proverbs says that a righteous person loves confrontation, she hates it and reacts horribly to it.
Back to the sex issue….she pulls the “I was abused” card with me all the time. I can never initiate without her saying she feels “raped” just by asking (politely, calmly, lovingly). The funny thing is that she was abused in a one-time event that didn’t involve intercourse, I know people who were regularly abused and don’t deal with this and pull that card all the time. I think her weakness is her willing to hold on to that card as carrying and presenting herself as a constant victim and wearing that badge proudly.
She always initiates and I can’t say a thing….otherwise, she will feel bad. Sometimes it will be six months, sometimes it will be every three months, sometimes once a week, I can never know. It depends on her needs and her hormones. When we do make love, it is great and passionate and intimate. She giver her whole self. However, I feel upset that she is selfish that she is the only one allowed to initiate. When she is super-horny and wants it everyday, she initiates and even when I am tired, she feels super-rejected. Yet I am always rejected when I initiate like I am an evil male pig who only wants sex just because I asked. And this coming from somebody who only asks once every six months now…knowing that even then the answer will be no….even if she wanted sex that night, and I asked, she would say NO because I asked, put on her depressing face, and go into “I am a victim, poor me, depressed” state. And I ask with alot of “umms” and nervousness and love and patience. The worst is she is especially on her guard when I do date nights, romantic meals, etc….she will never have sex with me on these nights just to say that these things can’t even suggest sex. Anniversaries, birthdays, couple getaways, etc. as well…she gets nervous because she doesn’t want these things telling her she has to have sex, so she makes a vow she wont have sex when these things happen.
This is my 5th year in marriage.i have severally tried to have sex with my wife and she refuses. Recently she told me that with time her libido deteriorated and she doesn’t feel the same anymore. I’m in my late 20s and still very sexually active. The worst part is I never at any one point in my life thought of cheating on her but unfortunately today I did…with a prostitute. I can’t justify it coz I know its wrong. Just confused whether I should confess it to her or not. She ha tried to give me many explanations from magazines she reads but that just sounds like crap to me coz all I just want is intimancy in our marriage but unfortunately its gone,wish I could be the husband I wanted to be but too bad the damage is already done..
Ok hello again this is andre well i just found out why my wife dont kiss me over 1 year and half…..she just confroted me that she cheated on me with 2 man within 1 year….and went out on third date w a friend of her that she sleept w in past on a dinner date.if not more….well she did say thr 2 men she kissed for an hour and did other things with one of them looked better then me,had better body then me and was alot bigger then me elsewhere, ,,,it has only been three days noe we have daughter and another one on the way….there is a thing called not once but twice if not the third time as well how much more and why me….my wife was married once and divorce and she chased me on 1 \16\2011 i believe she did it to get on rebound. …not because of luv. Because if she luved me she would have never done it…i just found out she cant stick w one man she likes going around here and therr when she is with other men…and forgets she is married with kids she do no jesus but here actions are dead what good is having faith with no actions means nothing to god i do believe. …heke i have the best life ever yap………she will do it again in future its in herr blood……and when she does i will just have no choose but to divorce her which thats what i should of done now but i still have not figure out why i did not divorce her yet what good is luving someone that just there because of the kids i am 38 years old again great shape attractive but not good enough for my wife …..p.s. hurt …
I feel this post is one sided. my husband and i have been married for 3years and have a 14 month old baby. to be honest i hate sex and have never liked it. i had been sexually abused as a child and he doesnt know. i have tried to forget about it in the past and it has worked. even though we have sex about 4 times a week he still is not satisfied. i always go out of my way to please him but its never enough. In the beginning of our marriage having sex was so painful and i would end up torn and bleeding and it would mot stop him for wanting more even after clearly seeing that i was in pain. he was not romantic at all and each time he would touch me i knew wjay he wanted. i felt dirty and used and i started to resent him. now when he touches me i feel like just running away and i dont enjoy sex and it hurts still i give it to him anyway…..guess i am being good wife. he works 2 jobs to support us which i appreciate but he does not help me with nothing around the house or with baby considering i also work a full time job. Since we had baby he has changed her diapers less than 10 times, no feedins, no baths even if i am sick or tired he would just look away and pretend like he dont see. He will not offer to help with even if ot means i will have to sleep at midnight oodand he will wait for me till i am done and ask for sex and at times i say no and he gets mad and try to make me feel bad about it talking about how i am rejecting him….WHAT ABOUT ME, DO I STILL EXIST. He can come home from work all moody and wont be talking to me and being rude, as a concerned wife i would try to talk to him or figure out what will be going on but he will just brush me off. When it comes time for bed he wants to have sex and starts talking and it makes me feel bad and nasty so he gets mad. When we have sex i will be ready to get it over with but i won’t show it. I really love him but i feel like i have had enough, i feel lonely and trapped. i have tried telling him how i feel and if we can at least meet half way but it will only work for that day. i know i did not like sex but now its even worse. I think my childhood experiences might be contributing but i cant not see myself telling him about because he is very judgemental, jealous and possessive and will blame me for it making things worse. I am a God fearing woman, i will am cheat or do i find an other man attractive and he is the only man i have been with willingly.
@anonymous… I am sorry to hear about all the struggles in your marriage. While I am not a doctor or counselor, I do want to encourage you one wife to another.
I encourage you to be honest with your husband about your past sexual abuse and to commit to finding healing. My hope would be that you have a heart’s desire to have a positive viewpoint on sex in your marriage, and I’m not sure if that is possible if you do not find some healing and resolution from your past abuse. It’s horrendous such abuse happened, but it also would be a tragedy of such abuse continues to take a toll now on your marriage.
It sounds as if you and your husband had struggles before you were married, and those are just compounding now that you are in marriage. Obviously, sex is part of marriage, so unless the struggles are addressed and you both strive to build a healthier relationship all the way around, then the struggles will likely only get worse. Struggles rarely resolve themselves.
Also, you say you feel lonely and trapped. I encourage you to find 2-3 other mature Christian women who will pray with you, listen to you and seek God’s Word with you. The Bible is abundant with wisdom about marriage, including wisdom about all forms of intimacy, including sex.
If you really love him and you say you are a God-fearing woman, then seek the Lord and wise Christian counsel on ways to address the issues between the two of you.
I’m so sorry for what you are going through…
Thank you Julie for the advice, i am going to commit myself to make things better and improve our communication
I have read many of the comments above, and relate to a lot of them. Married for over forty years; denied regular sex life all that time. Sex was sporadic. There was always an excuse. My wife and I tried several counselors early in our marriage, but none worked. We went to Christian counselors in our religious body as well. I tried being romantic, and bringing unexpected gifts and flowers, but it did not bring any change.Several years ago, I began to lose any interest in trying to have sex with my wife. I now find it disgusting to think about. Not sex; but sex with her. I always tried to avoid getting too close to other women, but I fell for someone, and we had an affair. But I could not bring myself to leave my wife and tear up our family, so my affair ended. Now I am lonely and depressed. No amount of prayer seems to help. Like someone said above, I am just alive, not living.
What about hormones
My wife and I have been married for five years. We have one daughter. Our marriage has many ups and downs involving a gambling addiction and and cheating text messages. I have since stopped gambling and paid back the money I took from our joint account. My wife had a provocative text relationship with another man. Although it has been almost a year of no gambling, my wife refuses to have sex with me. I bring her flowers, but that isn’t enough. I pleasure myself with images of porn. My wife has always had a low sex drive, but assured me that it would get better. The thing that’s annoying me is that she is already telling me how to spend the money I will earn over the summer. She wants to quit one of her jobs so she can focus on job-skills. In my mind, I’ve done what needs to be done, but she refuses to do what she needs to do.
I have been with my husband for 13 years married 6 years. We have 2 daughters. We have had many struggles in our relationship. When ever I feel like something is off I look and usually find something on his computer,phone or laptop of him looking at something or chatting with someone ( I have no proof of him cheating)I don’t totally blame my husband because I don’t think he was ever taught how to treat a women but it is becoming harder and harder to handle the way he treats me. I wonder is it just me or do you think it is wrong for a husband to say I do for you you do for me if you don’t do for me I don’t do for you. He says this because He has told me that he likes me in a skirt or dress and I don’t wear it often so he thinks I am purposely not wearing one knowing he likes it so he says that is why he won’t cuddle or show me affection only when I put a skirt or dress on he will. I tried to explain to him why. I want to be a good example for our girls. I don’t want them to feel they need to look like a street worker just to get a man and I don’t want to have other people’s husbands looking at me a certain way when I wouldn’t want my husband looking at a half dressed women. I want to be attractive to my husband but honestly I feel like he doesn’t love me. If you love someone would you treat them this way? Would you not want to hold them or romance them. Is that just a guy thing or is it possible he loves but doesn’t know how or is does he know what he is doing? He has told me he is just with me for the kids a few times but then says sorry. I don’t know this is just not what I thought marriage would be like. I know I am home with the kids and have sweats on a lot in the winter but is it not possible to be intimate just because you love each other. I am not a man so I don’t know. All I know is I don’t believe in divorce but I am unsure of how much longer I can pretend to be ok on the outside. I love him and he works hard so I can stay home but it just seems like he has so much hate inside. Sorry I guess I just needed to get it out a little. I pray all of these marriages including mine will get better. God is good!
We have been married 33 years, I am 76 she is 71. She has had migraine headaches in years past. A historectomy 32 years ago. Mitro valve replacement 17 years ago. And a stroke 8 years ago. She really is a walking, talking marvel, all things considered. And on top of that she was molested in her early teens. We married 33 years ago, it was a rebound marriage for the two of us. In 1965 I lived in Portland, Oreg and was married to my first wife. My brother asked if I would come down to Los Angeles and be his best man. Annette( my present wife )was her sisters maid of honor. I was introduced at that time to my future wife. There was not a love connection until 1980 when I moved to LA with my 7 year old daughter and happen to bump into Anne at her sisters house ( my sister-in-law ). We have been together since. We instantly became lovers and within two weeks were married. Anne was the most incredable lover and there was sparks constantly and she gave her body to me and mine to her, anything was ok. Through all the medical issues her body has taken it,s tole. I’ve never mentioned her weight, but I feel the molestation and scars from her dad were the reason for her change from enjoying the sex we usto have. It bothers me that She dosn’t show her feelings for me. She says she do’es but action speak louder than words. She will say to me, you can’t get an errection anyway, About 20 years ago was when she started showing a lack of interest. I think if there was a spark of interes there things could change with me. I’ve prayed for healing for such a long time. Now that I’m old and have searched the word I cant come up with a scripture that says you can out grow the desire to make love to your mate, that thought beats me over the head constantly. We are still a very handsome couple, even at our old age. Remember us in prayer. Michael
I don’t even want sex with my wife anymore. I mean, I do desperately, but not at the expense of the shame she makes me feel for wanting it. Touching her in any way is taken as me wanting to use her for sex. Hugs, touching her shoulder, brushing against her while walking by, all taken as me viewing her as nothing but an object to be used for my desires. When we did have sex she was always reluctant and desperate to get it over with. If she did enjoy it there was no indication of it. I must add that it was not always like this. The first ten years of our marriage we had a wonderful sex life. It was only after her reentering the Catholic Church that this happened.
I’m tired of it and don’t want to even try it anymore. She never initiates it and has told me flat out that she has no desire whatsoever to have sex and it is unnecessary for her so she is never going to ask for it but that I should ask whenever I want. 99% of the time I got rejected so I asked less and less and less. Even once every month or two months gets rejected or put off for another week or two weeks. It’s led to me doing other things. Fantasizing about sex with other women, masturbation, all kinds of things. I would never act on the thoughts of infidelity with other women but it happens all the time. Then I feel ashamed for that as well because it causes me to really view women as objects. I never saw my wife that way and have tried to tell her but she knows better what I think and feel than I do.
Recently I’ve even been considering leaving her because she just makes me feel so ashamed of everything. I don’t even have a desire to attend church anymore because I feel too ashamed to face God in His house. I dare not tell her that though. If I were to even hint at not wanting to go to church for whatever reason she would use it as an excuse to isolate herself from me even more. She’s done it before for far less. Not just withholding sex but all out avoiding any interaction. If I enter a room, she leaves. She does it now anyways and is always going upstairs to read her bible.
There was one time I tried to explain this stuff to her, how she makes me feel. In the end I apologized to her for hurting her by using emotional blackmail. Was better than continuing to be told how bad I was and reminded of every failure of every moment of my life.
I am a devote4d husband, and father of a two daughters, one of which is my step daughter. I love my wife more than anything on earth and wish for nothing other than the feel of her touch and taste of her body. Unfortunately for me she does not feel the same. She does not want sex and if I even mention it she goes into a frenzy getting upset or not even speaking to me. Even if I mistakenly brush up against her she cringes like it was the worse thing ever. I cant touch her or make love to her but I am suppose to stay and provide like everything is okay. ITS NOT FAIR! I havent cheated and havent even looked at another woman but I cant have nothing sexual from my wife. I can even get her hair and nails done and get her a massage but nothing sexual for me and for her this is the way it should be. I am sick and tired of it and its not fair, its like shes daring me to cheat. Women are full of crap, they are fake as hell and when they get married they cut off sex and act like this is what a marriage is suppose to be… you give give give to me and I give you nothing. WHT CAN I DO????
My dear publisher,
My wife is the miracle in my life. I love her with every essence of my being. BUT when I approach her to be intimate with me she has many excuses why she cannot. She is tired. She is worried about her 28 year old son who is 100 percent financially dependent on her because she pays for everything for him while he disrespects her so much he will not look for work. She may say she needs to balance the checkbook or check the mail. Finally, sometime she just says to me if you respect me and love me as your wife you will understand I do not want to have sex.
Worst of all is when my wife says I do not want to have sex today but tomorrow we will enjoy sex. I will make plenty of time for us to enjoy sex. But when that time comes she puts many things in on her periodfront of our time for intimacy. She continues to explain to me that if I love her I will allow her to do these things that she says are so very important that they interfere with any hope of ever being intimate with my wife. When she is completed everything she wants to do then again she says I’m too tired it’s too late we need to sleep.
The saddest thing that happens is when she finally does agree to have sex I ask her please turn your phone off for one hour so we can be alone together. But she says to me no I cannot I have to have my phone on because what if Luis my son calls? He is the one who is financially dependent on her? On those extremely rare occasions when we are enjoying intimacy and the pleasures of playing happily with sex together the phone rings and of course she answers the phone and will not let it go to voicemail and sex is over prematurely. Must family for me she has no regrets. She is content that it is over. She is more content to speak on the phone with her son with her daughter with anybody else who calls than she is to be intimate with me.
When we dated we enjoyed sex twice a week. Now we have sex maybe once every 6 weeks. And now she wants to have TV on while we have sex so she can watch TV while we enjoy sex. For me I don’t feel very involved because I don’t want her to be watching TV I want you to be involved in lovemaking with me.
My biggest problem is I love her to delete. I do not want anybody else sexually. I want my wife. But she does not want me and I am losing my mind. I fear that are so called marriage is disintegrating.
When I tried to address my concerns and my fears and my feelings about having sex with her she always says if I respect her I need to understand her mind that she does not want sex.
I have been married to a wonderful Christian man for 21 years. Sex was always a wonderful part of our life. .until my hormones went south about two years ago. Long story short, my husband became distant and has not touched me in over a year. It took months for me to get him to even tell me what the issue was and it turns out it was from being rejected one too many times. I have gotten on HET which has caused me to want nothing more than to be intimate but he refuses. He is so deeply wounded he admits that he has a wall of unforgiveness up that he can’t seem to bring down. Anyone have any suggestions as to how I can start to bring down those walls? I’ve been trying for months now.
Married 20 years. Still in love. On the rare occasions my wife and I engage in sex, she is mostly disinterested and simply placing a check in the box beside “Affair preventive step #4.” She indicated that, while touching, hugging, snuggling, passionless kisses, back scratches, long massages, etc., were desired by her, anything that approached a sexual advance just put too much pressure on her.
To avoid pressuring her, my only recourse was to think of her as “off limits” in a way similar to how I would think of any other woman. I now do not touch her at all except for an occasional peck on the cheek once or twice a week. I do not watch her undress or allow her to watch me undress, share the shower with her, or flirt with her. Whenever I do, eventually I will start to hope, will want sex and will be rejected.
Now, I never initiate, and she will initiate sex maybe once a month. If it is convenient for me, I will let it happen but I will no longer invest in the act emotionally or allow myself to hope that it could signal the start of a new beginning. When the act is over, no more touching. It’s the only thing that works for me. I am actually much happier now that I hold no hope for a meaningful sexual relationship with my wife. I just keep my sex drive completely shut down for emotional protection. If I get it, OK, minor bonus. Otherwise life is still OK.
I am now considering requesting an agreement with her for us to abstain indefinitely.
I don’t have sex with my husband because after we were married, he would come home every single day and eat, go on the computer, watch tv and fall asleep and then after like 4-7 days he would ask me for sex and we would have it but there was no affection whatsoever for 2 years. I started not caring and started treating him exactly the way he treated me. I even demanded sex at weird times just to make him upset. Over the years I learned to block him out completely. I had a few affairs and masturbate and hope that he finds someone else to bug someday. Sex was always about him anyway. He would just lie there and I’d have to do it all and give all. I just gave up. He is now literally 550 pounds and I have him around for the kids and medical support. We are roommates and not even close friends. We are like brother sister who are not close. He watches porn and I don’t care cause I provide 75% of the Financial support, am 430 pounds less than he is and am nice. He is demanding, angry, selfish, whiny and a bit like a 2 year old. He does not care about my items but touch his and be scolded. I leave him alone, sleep in different rooms and pretend he is not there. Life is bitter sweet.
So many people have commented on here that they are in sexless (or near-sexless) marriages. I wanted to give you guys a link to an online sexless marriage support group that really helped me. (Actually, I found this blog post because one of the regulars in the support group shared it with us.) http://www.experienceproject.com/groups/Live-In-A-Sexless-Marriage/332
I will admit to not being very religious, but I totally agree with everything else in this article. Denying your partner sex is probably one of the quickest ways to throw your marriage off-track (and quite often, heading toward a cliff). If your libido diminishes or you have hormonal issues that interfere with your ability to have sex, GET THEE TO A DOCTOR. They are there. They can help. It is an easy thing to put off, especially when your sex drive is diminished, because hey, what’s the big deal? Well, your spouse will tell you it’s quite a big deal. (Or silently resent you.) When my husband was refusing me, the biggest thing that hurt wasn’t that he didn’t want to have sex, it was that he did not care what it did to me, he didn’t care how it made me feel, he didn’t care enough to go to a doctor, or a counselor, or to attempt to do anything about it, which showed that I was not a priority to him at all. THAT is what crushed me.
I’ll probably get stoned here, but for the sake of giving a warning, I’ll admit to having an affair toward the end. I had been cheated on in previous relationships, and I always swore I would never do such a heinous thing, and I’m not saying that it’s right by any means, but it is a much easier trap to fall in than I would ever have imagined. At home I had someone telling me I was too ugly, too fat, too stupid, that my feet were too big and at one point even presented me with a list of 13 cosmetic surgeries that I would need before he could have sex with me again (this is when I was 95 pounds lighter than I was when we met and obviously my facial features, etc., were the same), for years, and then someone comes along and tells you that you are beautiful, that you are special, that you are actually worth something. Again, I’m not trying to say that it is acceptable or excusable, but please don’t think that YOUR spouse would be strong enough not to fall into that trap after years of the erosion of their self-esteem and psyche that sexual rejection from the person who promised to love them can cause.
@Esjey… I went ahead and approved your comment with the link to the site you suggested, but there are some things on that site that concern me (I saw an ad for Russian girls, for example). Anyway, I couldn’t quite tell of the site was promoting people connecting with each other beyond simple support, etc. I just want the readers to know that the site may contain some questionable content.
I am saddened by your situation in your marriage and it is what I hear from a number of people who are in sexless or near sexless marriages. The amount of pain and frustration and discouragement and anger that builds when one spouse rejects another spouse (sexually or otherwise) is often indescribable.
That’s why I strive to emphasize why sex in marriage is not to be taken lightly… not to be seen as an “extra” or “not worth the time” or “will happen if we get around to it.” The consequences of both spouses not mutually valuing it can be quite devastating.
Anyway, thank you for sharing!
I seem to have read a lot of postings from men who are hurting and feeling rejected by their wives. I had the opposite situation in my previous marriage, though I cannot say that I felt as rejected by my husband’s sexual and emotional withdrawal. We were unequally yoked in a big way and suffered a LOT of problems, i.e. culture, religion, and personality. The constant, daily fights did not seem to dim my enthusiasm for him overall sexually; however, when you’re really steaming mad and hurting, no woman can have sex. Some of his actions were so off-putting that all I could do was not speak because if I did speak then I would say all manner of ungodly things to him. Sometimes, I couldn’t speak for days at a time because I didn’t want to have yet another argument with him, knowing he wouldn’t understand my heart nor I understand his. I’m not a person who can fight constantly because it is so exhausting. So, he began to “punish” me for my silence by not speaking with me (doubling the number of hours or days). It wasn’t quite a punishment because I really craved peace and quiet from the constant bickering. Sometimes I would try to talk with him anyway, even though it hurt. It often led to further arguments because he would bring up the same topics again. After some time, he began withdrawing from me sexually, even when I tried and tried to engage his interest. By the second year of marriage, he would rarely have sex with me, but when I nagged him about it he would never tell me the real reason. I didn’t let his refusals get me down and I kept trying, but our constant fights and silences contributed to his emotional withdrawal. By the third and fourth years, I didn’t know who he was anymore. By the fifth year, he left and decided to file for a divorce. I didn’t want a divorce, but what choice does a person have? For a long time, he called me once in a blue moon to bemoan his fate and rail at me for not standing up more for my marriage and stopping him from filing the divorce papers. All I can say is that marriage is hard even under ideal circumstances, let alone when you’re unequally yoked. I don’t think any husband could have met “all” my needs or been the perfect spouse. Sexual problems could have just as easily occurred within a Christian marriage, so I don’t think our problems were about sex. I think lack of sex is more of a symptom of a bigger problem between two people. Until you know the real reason, I’m not sure that the best solution is just to “lie back and think of England”, as they used to say. I think men and women want a real connection to their spouse and sex is an excellent way to do that. Married sex is worthwhile, but it isn’t a guarantee in life.
i posted earlier and have been back to read others stories.i get what some of the ladies comments were and can see alot of points brought up. i know that issues outside of the bedroom affect what happens in the bedroom. i get that. what i am struggling with is,what if you do every thing possible to make your spouse happy and still no sex? over the years,i have always helped around the house,did what i could to lessen her burdens. i worked 2 jobs,always took care of the house(outside),never need to be told something needs done,(grass,garbage,ect)home every night(retired now). i dont think i do anything to her that makes her happy to be in a sexless marriage. when i attempt to breach the subject,all i get is i dont know’s. i dont know what it is like to be wanted by a woman and i guess i can handle that as i know no other way. sure wish i would have had more answers years ago,or perhaps an instruction manual to point out to me what it is i have done or gone wrong.
You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink. God in his wisdom three times has shown my wife what she be like where love and sex should be in our marriage, however, she is vey quick. To forget. So I have given up for me it very depressing to ask for sex, the marriage rules should state “all is ok if it is ok with me”. We are both Christians, so I do not understand how she can go to church when she does not see any sin in her behaviour towards me but can see the sin in others, very sad but true.
Most things in life are a matter of choice, a case of making decisions, good or bad. Husbands and wife’s should make these decisions in The Lord in not always with their feelings so that they please Him and not themselves.
All these horrendous posts by both men and women keep pointing me to one inescapable conclusion: you cannot make a marital vow given the lack of information traditional Christian dating allows you. You can’t live together, can’t have sex, can’t share finances – you know nothing of what you need to know to get married. I’ve been a Christian for 45 years and I am convinced that marriage is not a good idea in the modern world, especially for men. The careless and selfish decisions that women make towards sex is so common that I have told my son to never marry without a pre-nup, and to consider not marrying at all. The 90% probability that he will be a sex-starved husband, coupled with a 100% certainty of financial loss in a divorce means marriage is a terrible idea in the USA.
@Bill: you’ve done nothing wrong, on the contrary you’ve done everything right. It’s your wife being selfish with her desires and excuses, not you. It’s not going to get better! You must force a change and demand that she pay attention to sex. Otherwise, you’ll be looking at an affair, porn or a life of regret. Act now before you get any older, more bitter or lonely. I hate to tell you but you’re married to a typical female who expects the husband to treat her like a Princess, yet she treats her husband like an economic slave. God’s intention for marriage is NOT to see how much neglect and abuse you can endure!
I’ve read through a large amount of posts on this site. I have noticed a recurring theme…each of you cite some reason for the lack of sex and intimacy in your marriage, usually: the other spouse, modern society, christian morals. Most of the men (and women) on here who feel neglected are blaming everyone and everything else for the situation you are in.Sure, many factors can play a part in why this is happening, but all of you should take a better look in the mirror. Your wife (or husband) isn’t denying you for the sheer pleasure of it. There was a time the two of you felt very close and intimate (with or without sex), or else you probably wouldn’t be married. And somehow, BOTH of you have strayed from that level of intimacy. I understand that sex is the most important way a man feels love and intimacy from his wife, but what about the wife? You all claim, “I’ve tried everything, I put her needs first,” but have you really?
The only reason I say this is that so many of the men commenting here sound JUST like my husband. I know that he is frustrated with me. I know that he just wants to have a passionate and intimate love life and marriage. I am currently seeing a counselor, taking antidepressants and medication for anxiety, and doing a lot of soul searching at his request to fix our problems. Yet, I seem to have another “problem”. Why does all the blame fall on me? Why do I have to be the “horrible wife” because I don’t have sex with my husband as often as he wants?
Like most couples, our sex life started out wonderfully, having sex regularly, and feeling connected. But a lot has happened in the following 7 years…. The first incident: The first four months together, we had sex EVERY SINGLE DAY, sometime several times a day, without fail. We both worked at the same place, both for 12 hours a day, 6 days a week. So, one evening he begins to initiate sex, and I asked him if I could just go to sleep that night, I was really tired and not feeling well. He threw a temper-tantrum like a 5 year-old, and forced me to stay up throughout the entire night so he could fight with me, belittle me, try to manipulate me, and guilt me into having sex with him.
Fast forward 2 years to the birth of our first child, this “temper-tantrum,” and all that it entailed, has happened every single time I have ever said “no” to my husband. Not to mention all the lectures I received about how a wife should never get upset with her husband, raise her voice to him, how a wife should never feel anything but love and compassion at all times for her husband. Maybe this doesn’t seem so bad to some, but you see, for me it is torture. I was molested by my grandfather starting when I was 8 years old, and it occurred regularly until I was 14. My grandfathers methods were to guilt me, manipulate me, and fill me with a false sense of duty of what I owed to him. It took so long for me to put those dreadful memories behind me in a way that they did not affect everyday.
Fast forward to the present, all the guilt, humiliation, and belittlement I have endured from my husband has made me feel like “less than”. Less than a human, a woman, a mother, a wife, and so much more to list. I have tried talking, right down to begging, for some understanding from him, but his needs are the most prevalent in his mind, and mine are far from secondary. I am so tired of always being the “wrong” one in any argument, for being made to feel less than a christian for believing that I have a right to say what happens to my body and when. And for the record, we are still having sex at least once a week. Only because I am so tired of fighting, so tired of feeling like a worthless human being for having feelings and emotions of my own that aren’t of our “collective” union. The sex we have FEELS wrong. I don’t want to lie in the dark, with silent tears streaming down my face, wishing for an end to the repeated torture, guilt and shame I experience. And, while I am seeking treatment to help fix what is broken on my side of things, it still feels like a hopeless endeavor when my husband absolutely refuses to accept any responsibility for the state in which our marriage is in.
Like a lot of other marriages out there, mine feels more like a competition these days than a team effort. It always has to be about who is doing more for the other, who isn’t getting what they need, or who is the more righteous.
So, in short, that hard exterior your wife is wearing, its there for a reason, and she didn’t put it on all by herself. Here are some tips I wish my husband would use sometimes instead of his idea of “constructive criticism”:
1.When she has a “headache” or has had a rough day…..
bring her some asprin, a cold drink and offer to put the kids to bed on your own so she can have a little quiet time to herself. Just do something nice for her to show her that you are trying to understand her. I would be much more inclined to relax around my husband if I was allowed to relax and unwind sometimes, if he ever took the time to consider meeting some of my small needs before shoving his own in my face.
2. She is not a possession, she doesn’t perform on demand. And you shouldn’t expect her to. So many nights my husband comes home, wolfs down some dinner, grabs a quick shower, watches 30 min of TV, then asks me to join him in the bedroom for some quick sex. Really?! I walk in the room and he is sprawled across the bed, completely nude with an erection and a stupid grin on his face. While I can understand that this is HIS version of the perfect ending to his day, this is not quite what I have in mind for the perfect ending to MINE. Intimacy, of course, is a vital part of any marriage, but try not to forget that men and women usually have different definitions of intimacy. I feel the only intimacy I ever have with my husband is when he is trying to coax me into having sex with him, and that’s only when he is trying REALLY hard. There is ZERO intimacy anywhere else in our life. I need those intimate times (without the pressure of sex) to feel important and close to my husband. The lack of it is what makes me feel like I am only as good to him as what I have to offer instead of for who I am on the inside as a person.
3. She is a PERSON. Not just your wife, or a mother, or a member of your church, a maid, a cook, an accountant, or a chauffeur. She. Is. An. Individual. All that pain and frustration you feel inside, she probably has a lot of that inside her too. Stop trying to punish her for not meeting all of your needs. Become a healthy outlet for each other for your anger and frustration, learn to trust one another again. Tell yourself “STOP” when those critical and judgmental thoughts arise for your spouse, and ask yourself what you can do to break down that wall between you. Maybe she will notice the difference in you and start helping to tear that wall as well.
Thanks for listening,
The Wife Who Denies
@The Wife That Denies… Thank you for sharing so vulnerably about your situation. I’m sorry to hear about the struggles in your marriage.
Each marriage is unique and some face tougher challenges and struggles than others. I’ve heard countless stories about all sorts of marriages… ones where the wife is as belittling as you describe your husband. And ones where the husband is similar to your husband. And countless other scenarios too, where both are selfish or where neither tries to understand the other.
I’ve heard good stories too, where a husband and wife both strive to pour into their marriage, nurture each other, enjoy all forms of intimacy and take to heart God’s commands about how a husband and wife are to love each other.
Certainly, whenever a marriage gets off track, whether it is because of one of the spouses or both, the heartache is immense. I can sense that in your comment, which no doubt took courage to write.
Thank you again for commenting. I am so sorry for the deep pain and division in your marriage…