marriage problems, sexual intimacy, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
5 Dangers of Regularly Saying “No” to Sex
Nov
Is it dangerous to deny your husband sex? I personally believe it can be…
Here are 5 Dangers of Regularly Saying “No” to Sex:
1. You compromise your marriage vows — and possibly your marriage itself.
Long ago, in my first marriage, as my husband was walking out on our life, I was somewhat shocked to discover that he had been drawn to another woman. But as the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20.
I see clearer now what I did not comprehend then.
If the raw pain of my divorce taught me anything it’s that sex cannot be taken for granted in a marriage. A thousand “could-haves, should-haves, would-haves” cannot begin to express the regret I have that we did not address the sexual struggles in our marriage.
I know what some of you are thinking. “Well, my husband would never cheat. He would never leave.” That may be true.
But the flip side is he may hate staying.
Though his heart, hands and feet may not wander to other beds, his eyes and thoughts easily could. I hear from husbands all the time who…
…hate the situation they are in.
…hate the desperate loneliness of constant sexual rejection.
…hate feeling trapped by Christian morals they have grown to resent.
I’m not saying there is justification in adultery or walking out the door because of sexual apathy. What I’m saying is that if you regularly deny sex to your husband, you are indeed compromising your marriage vows and making your marriage more vulnerable to attack.
I should know. I have been there. And I have done that.
2. You buddy-up to Satan.
Satan’s go-to method is division. He knows that sexual intimacy is an incredibly bonding force created by the Lord to strengthen married couples and endear them to one another.
Obviously, Satan doesn’t want you endeared or strengthened or bonded to the very person with whom you have a covenant relationship.
When you disregard sex, you give Satan one more firm foothold on which to stand as he relentlessly seeks to cause division in your marriage. Seriously. That’s what is going on. If this is news to you, I pray that big red “Danger” signs are flashing in your mind right now.
I pray too that the harshness of those realities does not shame you or guilt you to your knees, but humbly brings you surrendered to your knees.
Ask the Lord to help you reclaim the ground in your marriage that has been given to Satan… especially any ground that you gave to him.
3. You hurt the person you love.
You do love him, right?
Well, if he is like most husbands, one of the ways he best receives that love is when you regularly enjoy sex with him. It’s not the only way he receives love, but if you were to ask him, “Do you feel loved by me when I’m enthusiastic about sex? What does it mean to you when I make sex a priority?” — what would he say?
Be brave. Go ask him. Doing so may stop you from the danger of hurting the person you love.
4. You ignore time-tested wisdom of nearly every marriage counselor.
The very people who make their living from listening to distraught couples in desperately broken places would tell you that when sex is ignored in a marriage, danger is lurking just around the corner.
Counselors become intimately aware of the costs that are paid when a husband or wife has forsaken their marriage bed, whether it be to another lover or simply to selfish or careless neglect.
5. You tell God that He must be wrong.
At its core, this is possibly the most devastating danger of regularly saying “no” to sex. It grieves God’s heart.
Dig deep into God’s Word and it becomes abundantly clear the precious value He puts on sex in marriage, as well as the agonizing consequences when a married couple mishandles or ignores it. Whenever he speaks of marriage, including sexual intimacy, He longs for us to understand its significance.
Through a lot of soul searching and humble reflection, I know that long ago I had a hand in putting my first marriage in danger. While sex was not the only contributing factor, I’d be foolish to not recognize the role it played.
My heart is that you see the dangers of regularly saying “no” to sex before you find yourself looking back on similar regrets.
Copyright 2012, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
My sex drive is higher than that of my wife, unfortunately. I try very hard to put her needs first as I am instructed in Eph:5 but I desire her sexually. She is the only woman with whom I can have sex but more importantly she is the only woman with whom I WANT to have sex. Recently with a change in my attitude it does occur more frequently. It is such a wonderful and exciting experience I want to repeat it often, it is God’s greatest gift to husbands and wives.
My wife need not fear, I could never imagine leaving the love of my life nor giving my body to anyone else, but I admit there are times even now when I just ache for her and find she does not reciprocate.
I have to remember that God never tests us without giving us a way out and in this case I just have to humble myself before Him and thank Him for bringing her into my life. When I wake up and she is still asleep I know I am truly blessed and I thank God for her every day.
Amen!!!! This blog is just want I needed to read to remind myself not to say NO just cause I do not feel like it. Julie you are awesome.
Yes!!! And I know you tend to address wives, but it goes the same way for husbands who refuse wives or don’t make sure she orgasms. Couple that with any amount of porn or smut viewing and you might as well rip her heart out and stomp all over it and watch her die and rot.
While outright rejection and saying No can produce this environment it is likely that the same result is possible if there is a lack of enthusiasm for sex. In my mind that is equally terrible. Having sex seems often so one-sided while making love must be mutual. I will continue to seek making love.
Thank you everyone for the comments… really appreciate you stopping by!
I agree @livinginblurredlines… there has to be mutuality and exclusivity (no porn) if sexual intimacy is to be all it can be in a marriage.
As for wives who want more sex and are not getting it, I do have a page on the site with posts dedicated to this situation… https://intimacyinmarriage.com/resources/blogs-and-websites/wives-who-want-more-sex-and-arent-getting-it/
Thanks again!!
Julie i have to also agree with anonymous that a lack of enthusiasm or duty sex is also a danger. Colossians 3.23-24 says that whatever you do,work heartily as for the LORD and not for men,knowing that from the LORD you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the LORD CHRIST. Whatever we do as you have mentioned before, that making love to our spouse is a true form of worship,so is loving them regardless of there performance. How lightly it seems that we truly take our roles as spouses to love a child of GOD (our spouse) that is given by GOD to demonstrate CHRISTLIKE love knowing we will give an account to him yet we are choosing so many other things ahead of that. None of us will do it perfectly but if true surrender of our lives are given to GOD this and so many more marital issues will be solved. Control (selfishness)is the root of most of marital intimacy issues,and the only cure is true surrender to a awesome GOD that restores the years the locust have eaten. Blessings.
I just finished reading a comment on my blog from a husband who is emotionally crushed by his wife’s constant sexual rejection. This happens all too often in marriages.
Your points are terrific! So very true. I also love the commenter above who said that not only is his wife the only women with whom he CAN have sex, she’s the only woman with whom he WANTS to have sex. We’ve got to prioritize sexuality in marriage, giving it the rightful place that God designed it to have.
My first marriage was abusive and I begrudgingly had sex with my husband. In the early years I wanted nothing more than to have sex, but after a while as the abuse got worse, I found myself doing everything I could NOT to have sex. And when we did it, it was only out of “duty”, not desire on my part. It felt degrading and disgusting to me and it was mostly one sided…me just waiting for it to be over and him having no desire to please me.
After all, how do you desire someone that one minute tells you how ugly and stupid you are, then grabs your crotch and breasts and if you don’t respond sexually tells you how it’s like living with his cousin? Or calls you frigid or no fun for not wanting to do things that he saw in porn?
And all of this coming from a woman with a very high libido. My heart hurt so much in that marriage and eventually we stopped having sex all together, like about 3 years before he finally walked out on me and my kids. Sad huh?
So my heart aches now when I hear Christian women in loving, healthy marriages no wanting sexual intimacy with their husbands. I’ve heard women say it’s too much work, they are too tired or it’s too messy. Well, I say if your husband desires you sexually and you have a healthy marriage, then get past all of that and get it on with it!
I’m now in a healthy marriage…will be one year at Thanksgiving…and our lovemaking is amazing! Because of odd work hours and two teens living at home, it does not happen nearly as often as we would like, but our lovemaking keeps a deep connection going in our marriage and brings us so much closer. My husband who was also married once before, once said that it is wonderful to be wanted sexually and to have a wife that actually WANTS to make love with him.
So, I say come on ladies, if you have a loving husband who is being kind and respectful of you and not abusive, stop driving a wedge into your marriage by denying him of something he desperately desires with his wife. 🙂
I was one of those men you talked about in #1. She practiced regular denial, so much so that she had an affair. I could have forgiven her, but she made the mistake(?) of leaving her diary open on my desk, where she wrote she wasn’t planning on telling me. We split up over that. I’m reading everything I can so I can learn from past mistakes and not repeat them. Thank you for your posts.
I am Anonymous from Nov 5. For years we had sex which I am ashamed to admit from my viewpoint was mainly for my pleasure. No wonder it happened infrequently.
Now that I am trying to live out Paul’s command in Eph 5 an amazing change has come over me. Trying to meet HER needs rather than my own I can see her for the wonderful gift from God she is. Not only a lovely person but a woman who loves me deeply. I shall never take her for granted again. I love her more deeply and when we make love we do truly become one flesh, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I find myself praying during our love making time that God will help me to meet her needs no matter what happens for me. This leads me to want her more often than ever before because she is just so attractive to me.
We still have to resolve the frequency question but I feel confident that God will help us to a compromise which will make our marriage even happier than it is already.
What do you say when your wife has no interest in sex, and are told “it is not important to the relationship anymore”. And still you try flowers, cards, foot massages, back massages, and her response is “ haven’t you out grown that yet” and when I say no, her response is well you need to “get over it”. It wasn’t always this way. SO you give up… and throw yourself in work, church activities, and doing things with the kids. You sleep in the same bed with your wife/roommate and give each other a peck on the cheek before you go to bed. The marriage could be so much more…
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I concur “…hate feeling trapped by Christian morals they have grown to resent”
A common comment when the Christian men get around the barbecue at friends places is that Christian men suffer … because they can’t have sex before marriage – and can’t get sex after they are marriage’. …. the second wry comment is that it would have be cheaper and less hassle to hire a regular high class hooker – than to have been married”.
(These comments may offend – but these a real thoughts and comments going through real men’s head – and a lot less damaging than the consistent denial of sex in a marriage).
Can’t see the joy on too many Christian men’s faces!
Getting sick of the headaches, two week periods, tiredness excuses – when wives have enough time to go out with girlfriends, work less hours in less demanding jobs and find the energy to stay up late to watch obscure reality shows on television.
it’s terrible. nothing will work unless that person wants it to work. if there is a sexless couple out there, but they both are ok with that, then that’s good for them, but when one yearns it, and the other doesnt, then that’s a terrible thing esp. when both ppl are healthy. i think it boils down to one of the persons is no longer “in love” with the other. It’s a terrible thing for ppl to be walking around here not making love to one we’re supposed to be making love to…no wonder all the hate and anger…and counseling doesnt work…
it makes you wanna tell your kids to not wait til theyre married to have sex bc once yur married, the sex WILL stop, so they better have all the sex they can NOW while they can
I have always tried to follow God’s rules for Marriage and noticed early on in our marriage that my wife was not much into sex. It took many years to figure out that it was a lack of Intimacy. I have enough for both of us and she has none. We have talked about the issue for many years and I would have left over 20 years ago if I didn’t love her. But how do you make your partner have intimacy when there is none in their history. I began evaluating her past family life and found the parent they were raised with had the same issue.
Imagine having sex with someone that has no interest in it. It’s like having a Doll, no feedback, no nothing. After the first 5 years of this, I decided I didn’t want Just sex with a Doll.
Our early years, she did have more sex, and it became less each year and now if I didnt complain would be non-existant. I fear that if I were to get close to another woman that I couldn’t help myself but give in to temptation but not just for the sex but for the intimacy.
Intimacy affects our walk with God also, its not just the sex but a whole lot more.
So sadly, this has affected other areas of my life as I avoid people of the opposite sex as a precaution. There have been times I have been depressed and upset with God’s laws feeling trapped in Marriage with a partner that I Love, but will never reach a level of intimacy with even God. I go to bed praying that God can heal her lack or my over need for intimacy but continue down the same path over and over and over again.
Twenty years of marriage and twenty years of consistent refusal of sex. If I am lucky, marital relations may occur once or twice a month. Before we married, sex was really good and frequent. It started to turn south on the wedding night when she said she thought I was too drunk and refused to consumate! Something I just learned a few months ago and completeley untrue. I tried so hard in the early years of our marriage to keep things fun, exciting and passionate. I would plan a weekend away for us, if only for our anniversary. I recently found out she has always resented that because it left “too many expectations for sex.” Wow! A husband expecting to have sex with his wife on an anniversary!!! Yea, I must be a real SOB.
The last few years have been real rough. I have fallen into major depression. I am so tired, hurt and rejected. She doesn’t get it. She believes that all I care about is the orgasm. What a bunch of crap. I have tried to express to her over the years what God and Scripture say about sexual relations between man and wife and how it resembles the Trinity, (The love of two so deep that it produces another) she thinks that I am full of it. She has never given herself fully to me. Today she said that I think sex is something that is owed to me.
Been married 45 years and only had sex, love, intimacy once in my entire life. Since day one my husband has denyed me any thing that is considered a marriage. We did have sex that one time and the day after our marriage some thing switched off in his head. I begged and pleaded and it went right through him, he payed no attention. He moved to the basement so he didn’t have to deal with me ever. The depression and the hatered has been the worst. Its me and my anti-depression meds. The only good thing is I want for nothing, I buy what I want and when and medical benefits are great.
I’m living in a sexless marriage, and it’s fine. We’re fine. I don’t desire sex anymore. I don’t want it anymore. So we don’t have it anymore.
I’ve been married for 13 1/2 years which 7 has been sexless. My wife and I got married at 18, 4 months later got pregnant and I was an idiot! I didn’t understand not having sex for 18 years then an awesome 4 months of sex every 3-5 days then the spicket was shut off. I admit I was a horrible partner and fights were very prevalent, almost daily I believe. Then after almost 3 yrs without sex and 7 or 8 months of throwing around the “D” word, I had a 1 night stand. I’m not proud of it but I’ve always felt that it got our attention and jolted us back together. She has thrown it up in my face many many times over the years but now just mentions that I’ve never had to worry about trust with her. She has caught me….flying solo (trying to be as modest at possible) a few times and recently found pics I downloaded on my phone. She says that really hurt her, which I believe that to be true but I’m only human. After the 3 yrs without it happened once a month or 2( hey I was happy with that) until she got pregnant with our 2nd child. Once a gain almost 2 yrs without sex. Then 3rd child. Once again 22 months. In the last 5 years we’ve had sex 4 times and we’re knocking on another 2 yr anniversary without it. I’ve tried counseling after the affair, solo and a few months ago tried to go see a marriage counselor and she won’t go. I’m at my wits end and not only is my family suffering, my business is too. I told her if we fixed that part of our relationship I would make sales and she said that makes her feel like a prostitute. I love my kids more than life it self and it pains me to even think about not living under the same roof as them and not to see my babies when they first wake up. And God has placed a special love for my wife in me to where all she has to do is bat her eyes at me and I’m a kid in love again. I’m dying inside and I can’t catch my breath. I have learned to cope as if I was in an accident and a part of me is paralyzed but the bitterness and resentment is starting to build beyond my control at times. Let me end by saying I’ve never said it has all been her. I was a childish immature brat before and the first few years but now I just miss being happy.
Thanks for reading
While your points are very valid I wish you would mention the fact that there are times when it is necessary to avoid sex, like after a woman gives birth. The standard wait after giving birth is 6 weeks in order for the cervix to properly heal after pushing a baby’s head out of it! I think you need to explain why it is appropriate to abstain from sex during that period because sex could potentially hurt the new mom! Not to mention she could also use that extra sleep and time to adjust! I think there are certain times where a man has to take a step back and respect the fact that his wife needs time to heal. After that, game on!
I am in a situation where I have just had a baby 5 weeks ago. My husband has been hounding me for sex since 4 weeks post partum. I gave in and we did it and now I’m having really bad cervical pains. He has asked me 4 times since and I have had to say no because I hurt. It’s not because I don’t want to though. He has gotten it in his head that I say no on a regular basis even though that is not the case. The last time I said no was a couple of days ago when I was literally falling asleep standing up with our newborn in my arms. I mean falling over about to drop the baby tired. Our oldest child was sick so I was taking care of that one and our other child is having sleeping issues….Of all the things I’ve been dealing with sex is the last thing on my mind. I don’t think it’s fair to have muster up the strength to have painful sex with my husband while breastfeeding and taking care of two older children, one of whom, need I remind you is SICK! There are times when it’s okay to say no and I feel that those times should be respected. It makes me wish that we didn’t have kids because then I wouldn’t have a reason to say no and my cervix wouldn’t hurt and I wouldn’t be too tired from dealing with sick kids and kids that don’t sleep and newborns…My husband found this blog and decided to share it with me and I just noticed that there were alot of aspects of a relationship that aren’t listed. I think it’s amazing that I’m “avoiding” intimacy with him. I think he’s being incredibly selfish and disrespectful of my need for a break because before this kid came we had a ton of sex.
Further more, I don’t think God really meant for a husband to hurt his wife during sex which is why if you love her you will let her heal!
@Whitney… thank you for taking the time to share. Obviously, my post was not meant to imply that someone shouldn’t deny sex when there are very legitimate reasons for denying sex, like all the ones you listed.
Your husband is being selfish, insensitive, ignorant and downright careless. The simple fact that he would use this blog to try to goad you into having sex shows how unaware and uncaring he is about the circumstances.
My heart and prayers go out to you.
I know that most women will disagree, but every time a woman (or man) says no to her husband (or his wife), he is saying YES to SATAN!! So if you want to give Satan control of your marriage, just tell your spouse no. Satan will really appreciate your open invitation to come into your marriage and wreak havok.
haaaa ,well i dont think there is anybody outthere whose story is as sad as mine.or how do u explain bn married for 4 yrs,wit out any kids yet am 40 yrs next week,and my wife dose not want to av sex,she constantly refuse sex,and if eventually i Force her to,it is like making love to a log of wood,i av tried everything possible,bought medications,asked pple to talk to her seen a doct,still result,i want to av kids,i even beg her to take the drugs,a doc prescribe ultima passion it cost mi a lot,but that isnt the issue getting her to take d drugs is war,sorry to say but i am really considering moving out of the union or looking for oda willing lady outside,i cant keep dieing in silent,pls u av my email pls advice on wat to do plsssss,reply to my email and plss u can let pple av my email i dont mind i need help so i want advice
I’m sorry, but someone’s got to say it.
@ Ab: “If eventually I force her to…”
You know what that’s called, don’t you? You should be in prison. And I can only imagine your wife is PRAYING that you ‘move out of the union’. I know I would be.
But then, I wouldn’t stay with a man who raped or coerced me into sex. Fortunately, my husband couldn’t be further from that, which is why I love having sex with him, frequently and enthusiastically.
Of COURSE your wife doesn’t want to have sex with you. You’ve answered your own questions. I can’t imagine she could ever want sex with you, ever again. I feel so sorry for the poor woman, married to you. By the way, you’re also not fit to be a father.
You wanted some advice? Take a good, hard look at yourself. Then grow up and start behaving like a real man. If you can.
This Bloq is very helpful, I forward it to my wife maybe it can help us since i have been in a constant battle with her. I know and she says she loves me but shes the type of person that is very hard for her to show it. I really hope it changes because it is getting boring and it sucks to always beg for sex.
We have a 1 year old daughter and i sometimes think if she can be the cause that my wife doesn’t want to have sex , but i don’t think so since their is never a effort from her side to me.
My wife is turning 33 years old soon and i am 29 years old. I love my wife and family. I just want to be happy in that part since its one of the most important factors in a relationship.
What if your husband raped you before you married? I married him out of a false notion that it was my Christian obligation to only have one sexual partner in life. Needless to say I am quite perplexed.
@Zoanne… I’m saddened to hear about what happened to you before you were married. While God desires that sex be within the bounds of marriage, nothing in His Word would indicate that a woman has an obligation to marry someone who raped her so that she will only have one sexual partner in life. So, you are correct that you did believe a false notion.
Even so, I’m wondering what is happening in the marriage right now.
What is the condition of the marriage right now? Is your now husband still abusive (sexual or otherwise)?
If he is abusive, God does not desire you keep yourself in a dangerous situation. At the minimum, I would say talk to a trusted Christian sister or counselor about a plan to separate from him… so that he can have the opportunity to decide if he is willing to change in order to save his marriage. In my opinion, you would need to see evidence of that change… that it is a true heart change backed up by action… before you would consider moving back in with him.
If the marriage is not abusive, but there is still struggle (sexual or otherwise), would you both consider marriage counseling? If he won’t go, I highly encourage you to go on your own… not only to get healing and wisdom on navigating the pain of your past and the difficult of your present, but also to demonstrate to your husband that you are willing to do all it can to have a healthy marriage.
At any rate, you need support. You need 2-3 safe mature Christian women who will pray with you, listen to you non-judgmentally, pray for your marriage and your husband, not bash your husband, give you sound advice, etc.
I hope this is helpful. Again, I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through…
I would like to add to my eariler comment about being date raped by my now husband. I know my husband loves me, & he has been an excellent provider & father. I was crazy about him in the sexual sense up until he began pressuring me to have premarital sex with him. I am not completely innocent in all of this by any means, I sent out very confusing signals to be sure because i did DESIRE sex with him, I just did not WANT to have sex with ANYONE outside of marriage. Sadly, I did not desire sex on my honeymoon. I have a healthy libido, so in order to have sex with him I would go off in my head & disassociate to enjoy “the act” of sexual intercourse. I was never in the moment, never with my husband, I was just usuing him for my own pleasure. I decided this is no longer acceptable & have been seeing a counselor on my own & we are seeing a different counselor together, however, I have made it clear I can’t have sex with him again until we are able to somehow fix this mess. He, on the other hand, is angry, hurt, & has started acting like I am the “bad guy” in all of this. Perhaps I am, after all I’ve waited 40 plus years to address this issue. Again, I am quite perplexed. Man, did I ever make a huge mistake or what?
@Zoanne… it is encouraging that you are addressing the issue, so don’t give up. Though the healing process is monumentally difficult, it is worth it, especially if both you and your husband are willing to go to counseling.
It’s not about who is the “bad guy.” It’s about each of you taking the steps necessary to restore the marriage and build something strong.
Hard work indeed, but it sounds like you guys are headed in the right direction.
Sounds difficult< but with the Lord's help anything is possible
You people have it all wrong. Marital sex is about economics. Premarital sex or the promise of marital bliss is part of what seals the marriage deal. In the old days, the man continued to have economic power, while the woman had sexual and relationship power. They had a mutually beneficial relationship. Feminists might call this exploitation, but it is not clear who is being exploited.
Now, women either through their own career accomplishments or through the lop-sided power of the divorce courts no longer need the man for economic support. The result is they can renege on their part of the deal during the marriage. And let’s be clear, this is an area where the wife has monopoly power. A moral man has no other way to enjoy sex or intimacy. In addition, women have won the narrative in the US, mainly through the pop culture TV shows and political agenda. Consequently, husband bad…wife good. An certainly a man who does not lower his needs for intimacy to those of his wife is certainly bad, abnormal or just a plain pig.
The men literally have no recourse, besides divorce. Physical or masculine answers to the problem can land a man in jail or in a weak position in divorce or custody court. So the recourse is very limited.
The women have won. Yet it is empty. Women privately crave for a man who is masculine and who will protect them. Yet, our societal mentality makes such relationships fleeting at best.
In truth, young men are unwise to get married. Many young men know this. And if they do choose to marry, many of them know it will not be to an American woman.
very helpful blog, thankyou…
I’ve been married 10 years, 2 great kids, we both work, and i feel that my wife had all her sex before she met me, she was very… er… active?, with many and frequently, so now we are in a very intimacy poor marriage which i acknowledge and trying, but she is fine with no touching, kissing or anything but “i love you too”, i have given up on having sex anymore in this … relationship… i’m hurt, cold and alone in my pain, i pray and i feel better, i know the Lord loves us, but i no longer beg, because begging is not foreplay, and i loathe the sigh!
I have tried so many time to discuss this with her, but she always treats me like i am demanding too much of her, my libido is almost gone and part of my heart is hardened, i feel like i will have to deny her any and all affection and see how she likes it, but thats probably what she wants.
I have told her before that perhaps she should have married the television because she spends so much time with it, i have also sabotaged the TV just to spend time with her, but then she gets online and ignores me, so the whole if momma aint happy aint nobody happy, well i gotta say “nobody’s happy”,
please help me if you can
@Bob…. thank you for your comment. I’m so sorry for what you are going through. Your experience is not unlike what I hear from other husbands (and a few wives).
Possibly write her a letter expressing that this continues to cause you pain and discouragement, and that you are committed to the two of you together working toward better intimacy (emotional, physical, etc… better intimacy all the way around).
Say in the letter that you are hoping the letter can be a springboard into more face-to-face communication about this and that possibly even a counselor could be helpful, emphasizing of course that your heart’s desire is to have a strong marriage that both of you enjoy, appreciate, etc. Explain to her that you are willing to do whatever it takes to strengthen intimacy between you, even if that means looking into medical causes, unresolved pain or issues from past relationships, etc.
My sense is that she has yet to comprehend the depth of your pain… she isn’t seeing that this isn’t just about sex; it’s about rejection from the one person who promised to love you, not reject you, etc. I kind of wonder if she has issues she is not even aware of from her past, etc. Regardless, though, if one person senses there is a problem with intimacy in the marriage, then there is indeed a problem.
If she refuses to share your desire for change and/or refuses counseling, then consider going to Christian counseling on your own. Not only will it give you the good perspective of an unbiased third party, it also will demonstrate to your wife that you are willing to do whatever you can as far as you are able to make the marriage stronger. At this point, you really have nothing to lose by trying counseling. You’re already miserable with the situation, so why not try something different that could lead to breakthrough.
Let me affirm you that it is not an unrealistic expectation for you as a husband to want to regularly make love to your wife. Sure, couples can’t always agree on frequency, but if they are so far apart on the matter (not to mention if one person sees it as a chore), then it will all continue to cause division in the marriage.
Julie, how do you justify to all of these men/women, myself included, that abstaining before marriage is the right thing to do when it has obviously contributed greatly to them marrying the wrong person and thus becoming miserable people stuck in a hopeless marriage? I love my wife but my marriage with her is miserable and I feel like I was duped by her. Had we not abstained for just one year before marrying I think it would have been clear to both of us that it wasn’t going to work.
I consider myself to be a person with strong morals and grew up in a Christian home, but when it comes to abstaining from sex before marriage, I’m going to tell my kids “HELL NO”. If I allowed them to grow up and marry into a marriage like mine then I’d be a pathetic excuse for a father and a total failure as a person. If the Bible disagrees with me on this point, then I want nothing to do with it.
– a very bitter, lonely, trapped husband
@Colin… thank you for your comment and sharing so vulnerably. I can justify telling people to abstain before marriage, because God is clear in His Word that this his plan.
I hear your pain, though, and in no way do I minimize what is going on in your marriage. But even if you and your wife had not abstained, it is a stretch to say that everything in your marriage sexually would be fine now.
There are plenty of examples of people who do abstain before marriage and still go on to have healthy sexual intimacy in their marriage (for example, my current husband and I did not have any sexual contact before our wedding night).
What makes sex so great in marriage is the effort by both people to make it a priority, to communicate openly, to seek God’s Word — which is clear that married couples should engage in sex often (1 Corinthians 7).
Telling your kids to have sex before marriage is not quite the guarantee I think you feel it is that they will then have healthy sexual intimacy in their marriage.
A better approach would be to emphasize to them what God’s Word says about how marriage sex is designed to be the best, but that the two people in the marriage must place a high value on it and seek the benefits of it. You may even share with them that you and their mother didn’t quite get it right for a good portion of your marriage and that your prayer as they go into marriage would be that they not take sex for granted in their marriage.
As for you and your wife… have you addressed this issue with her? Does she understand the depth of your pain? You say you love her, and I believe you do. Consider writing her a letter, explaining the pain, discouragement and rejection you have felt over this matter. Suggest Christian counseling… that you don’t want just an “okay” marriage, but a strong healthy marriage that is characterized by deep intimacy at all levels… emotional, spiritual, physical, etc.
If she won’t go to counseling, you really have nothing to lose by going on your own. Not only will it give you the perspective of a professional counselor, it also will demonstrate to your wife how committed you are to having a strong marriage.
I am so sorry for your pain. I pray you have not lost all hope… please try to talk to her about it while you are still married, instead of existing as a very bitter, lonely, trapped husband.
So much focus is on women saying no, women denying their husband’s needs, men having a constant desire for sex…the Bible commands that neither wives NOR husbands deny the spouse. There are many women, myself included, who would give anything for our husbands to desire us and want the full, rich union God intended. Sadly, I have suffered for a decade with an extremely low-desire husband. Men cannot fathom the damage that it does to a woman’s psyche to be completely unwanted when we are bombarded with images of the “predatory male” all the time. When my friends complain about how their husbands chase them around for sex all the time, I roll my eyes but cry on the inside. I am so tired of other people (including my husband’s friends) telling me how beautiful I am all the time when I can’t get so much as a tiny compliment out of the one man whose opinion matters to me. Whether it’s true or not, the constant rejection and lack of closeness, affection, and intimacy makes you feel small and ugly and unloveable. I feel like less than a whole woman. If I initiate it, which requires a lot of effort on my end, I get my husband to have sex with me once every 6-7 weeks. But I feel so awkward and uncomfortable now that I don’t like trying to initiate anymore…it’s a horrible way to live.
@Persephone P… I’m sad about what you are going through. I do have a page on my site devoted to posts for wives who have higher desire than their husbands.
You can find it here:
https://intimacyinmarriage.com/resources/blogs-and-websites/wives-who-want-more-sex-and-arent-getting-it/
Was raised as a good Protestant boy, but had a few partners before marriage. Now after 16 years of marriage to a nice Catholic girl and after two kids, my wife found her real crusade; our son with hydrocephalus. Every crazy project, she takes it on. Every committee, she wants to be in charge. Every team, she’s been the Team Mom. And she’s great at it. And it takes up all her spare time, in addition to all the stuff she does for us and her job. Oh and the depression and skin conditions and meds for both aren’t really helping her libido.
But when it’s US time, she is always too tired. Awake enough to make me suffer through her reality shows, but too tired to make out or anything. Every weekend getaway is a disappointment – no sex ever. We had sex in Vegas a year ago on vacation, but it was the first vacation sex in probably 10 years. Every vacation now is a sexless one, kids or not. My inside joke was that if I took a condom in my shave kit on vacation, it meant for sure there would be no sex. She doesn’t like to be touched or cuddled or held, she will not allow me to touch her in bed “I’m too hot, I need to sleep!” she whines. And the stress over our son caused both of us to gain weight, but now she is becoming unattractive to me. Why? Because I DON’T WANT to want her anymore. It’s pointless. It would be better to get my own room. She “accidentally” lets our boys sleep in our bed so that when I come home from working nights, its a bed full of children with Momma. I just got to sleep on the kids bunkbed. I give up.
I have nothing constructive to say or offer because I am too upset and sick -SICK TO DEATH- of meeting all these women at BBQs and school functions nowadays who think they are out of earshot of the men as they brag to one another how they consider it a badge of honor that they deny sex to their husbands so much. Like some sort of sick merit badge. Well good for you, sweetie, your husband left and took the kids. Great job, top notch, you drove him away. You drove him to porn, his hot and single co-worker, the swim instructor and that other guy’s wife. And then were mystified as to how it happened. You know how it happened.
You built it up, brick by brick until it consumed me and now instead of Viagra, I wish there was a pill to make me not care about sex, intimacy or giving a care about any kind of physical relations with my wife. Oh well. Next life, I guess.
i am 36 years and my wife for nine years has constantly been rejecting and denying me sexual and intimacy pleasures since marriage. i have talked to her on several occasions, taken her to counsellors but the situation has rather worsen.
what might be the possible causes?
i now want to take another woman since the sexual drive in me is still strong, but because of her constant rejection, i now ejaculate prematurely.
Hello @Pantse…
Without knowing your wife, I really don’t know specifically what could be causing her lack of interest in sex. What does she say to counselors about it? Does she show any interest in improving the situation or is she rather indifferent about it?
I would suggest see her medical doctor to see if there could be any physical reason she has low desire, such as hormonal levels, etc. I’m not saying this could be the only reason, but it may be part of the difficulty.
I also suggest you write your wife a letter, expressing your frustration and rejection and pain about this aspect of your marriage. The tone would be one of love, but also of authenticity about the depth of your pain. Express to her that your goal of the letter is that it would hopefully move the two of you toward discussing this and working together toward healthier intimacy in the marriage… all intimacy… physical, emotional, mental, spiritual.
I do not recommend you take another woman, as tempting as this is, because not only is it sinful, it definitely is not going to increase the likelihood that things could be healed in your marriage.
@ SAV,
After 18 years of the same frustration, seeking answers, praying and reading blogs like this one; I have come to the exact same conclusion you expressed here. The marriage bed is defiled by idolatry towards God and the husband. Everything in a woman’s life literally, is placed above the marriage bed, where husbands and their physical, spiritual and emotional needs are left to languish and die.
It is my opinion that women (The vast majority of offenders) are complete psychopaths, without human remorse or empathy towards their husbands regarding willful frigidity. Actually they can’t help themselves. I am quite positive that my wife, from this day till our deaths due to old age, could be content with never having sex again. I unfortunately can not. The modern marriage is more of a business relationship, akin to the mating of the black widow spider. Driven solely by the need to reproduce, she mates once and then eats her mate for sustenance, as he is no longer a necessary player in the game.
Unlike an insect, the human female is encouraged in this marital cannibalism by popular feminist movements, the media, family courts, and then enabled by the monetary backstop of government welfare. The Christian marriage is absolutely no different than the secular in this sense, and the results are identical.
Sexual deprivation is pandemic amongst American marriages, resulting in many broken families, infidelity, frustration and divorce. Like many Christian men, I too feel the indescribable pain and frustration caused by my wife’s betrayal of our marriage agreement. Yes, I said betrayal. I have kept up my end of the bargain. But have suffered everything described in these posts.
All my efforts to express my hurt have ultimately failed. I am not a selfish lover, a lazy husband, uncaring, unfeeling, unromantic, or any of the other “reasons” women love to default to as an excuse for not loving their men. I treat my wife with respect and kindness. I make a good living and provide more than what we need. I am by no means perfect, and have made foolish mistakes in the past. But these were usually out of frustration, or a misguided attempt at fixing the problem.
I have remained faithful to her and love her with all my heart. But lately I find myself thinking of an affair or divorce. I want neither. Pornography lost it’s thrill long ago. Masturbation, an indignity no married man should ever have to resort to, is merely a pressure release valve when I’m about to chew through the pool fence just to get a good look at the women sunbathing in my complex. Lack of sex turns a normally manageable temptation, into a full blown sin fantasy.
I want my wife to want me. I know she loves me, but If that were enough, we could all just marry our sisters and remain in a sexless, loving relationship. It won’t do. We were created to love one another spiritually, emotionally, and physically. When those needs are not met, we are being strangled slowly to death on all fronts. What I don’t understand is, how a woman can live without these needs being met, but also not experiencing the joy of fulfilling them?
The greatest sadness I feel however, is as was described in the article: …”hate feeling trapped by Christian morals they have grown to resent”. Man, that about sums it up. If I were a non-believer, I would likely just divorce or cheat. But even the non Christian doesn’t want to stoop so low. So here I…we, are. Trapped in a living nightmare that God, for some reason, doesn’t allow us to wake from. It’s becoming hard to take the biblical view of the sanctity of marriage seriously. But I guarantee, if I stray from my vow, the chastisement will be right there swift and sure. So my dilemma is this: Do I remain silent and suffer bravely until testosterone wanes, and eyesight dims enough to quench the smoldering embers of my manhood, and all forms of its expression? Or do I take some dreaded, reprehensible action, and reclaim my manhood by sharing it with another, only to feel the bitter sting of regret, guilt and failure towards family an God.
The fact is; the choice is as much hers as it is mine. And that is something you wives need to remember. You will be judged for your part in creating this dilemma . The blood of your family, your relationship, your faith, will be as much on your hands as it will be on his. And that is a fact that no amount of reasoning, excusing, or blaming will exonerate you from.
You do this because you were cursed by God through Eve’s sin. Go to Genesis and read it for yourself. The curse is that you will desire your husbands authority in the relationship. And the only way you can get that, is to deny him that relationship, by denying him your body mind and spirit. God’s curse pronouncement was as much a warning to avoid its ravages, as it was pointing out the inevitable result of Adam and Eve’s sin. Thus far, most women are acting out their part in the curse will skillful precision, to the rabid applause of the serpent. If you deny your man, listen closely and you will hear the clapping. And when you hear it, it means that the serpent has won.
I really found your article helpful.
Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands. 14:1
You, ladies, have the POWER within your “hands” to make or break your husband.
While I understand and appreciate your views above, do you truly feel it is appropriate to say that “God grieves” when you turn down sex with your husband regularly or often? I would encourage you to reconsider such a statement; and take into consideration the bigger picture when it comes to God’s views of his beloved people. Why would someone turn down sex with their husband? Some Reasons could be: too tired (since many women now have the joy of working full-time in addition to taking on the majority of housework and children responsibilities,) or, perhaps like their sex life- things have changed, (i.e. maybe the husband is less fit than he used to be, or does the same thing every time without focusing on her needs, etc.) medications can cause decreased sex drives, stress, menopause, you name it- right or wrong, can all be factors as to why. I am sorry that your first husband left you, but I am even more sorry that his leaving seems to have made you feel guilty for lack of sexual intimacy with him- a covenant- in terms of marriage- in God’s eyes, means unconditional love. Period. A Christian marriage was never begun based on sex anyway, so how could it be a leading cause in its failure? I completely respect and understand the value sex brings to a marriage, but there is a greater emotional connectivity, in my opinion, that exists in correlation with what God created marriage to be. If one leaves or is unhappy in a marriage to such an extreme based on the infrequency of sex, there are underlying issues that should be confronted- it just seems that your message is essentially performance-based; the opposition of unconditional, and suggests that wives who turn down sex often are not as good as wives who don’t turn down sex often.
@Concerned… thank you for your comments, but I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree. I don’t think you understand my message. But that’s cool… we just have different viewpoints.
Appreciate you stopping by though.
I have given up. For some degree of health I do what I need for myself, but other than that I do not care if I am ever with my wife or another women. Yes there is some bitterness but I pray that passes away just like my desire for my wife. I love her deeply and I show affection and kindness as the Bible says but I do not want to have sex except in my mind. Rejection hurts so bad and has become such a sore spot I never want to feel it again so I can hold on to some self respect. The wife in my mind does not reject me and is not some pathetic attempt to appease me which leaves me feeling empty inside, which is almost as bad as being rejected. MGTOW till I die.
@JulieSibert, I concur. Depends on where you are in life I guess:) thanks and do take good care. Many blessings!!
Reading each of the stories of hurting marriages due to the wife denying her husband sex makes my heart ache deeply. I pray for healing.