marriage problems, sexual intimacy, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
Are You a Married Christian Wanting to Live as a Single Christian?
Oct
Sometimes I miss being single.
When I was single, I had tremendous discretion over how to spend my time and money. I could arrange my living space however I wanted. I could go on a road trip with friends on a whim.
Sometimes I miss my life before I had kids.
I could work out at the gym whenever I wanted. I wasn’t constrained by the schedule of someone else’s bedtime or school routine. When I was at a restaurant, I didn’t have to cut up anyone’s food. And I could sit there for four hours and talk leisurely with a friend over wine or coffee.
But….
More often than not, I am so glad I am married!
I get this loving partner to help me navigate through the messiness of life. I get someone who listens to my frustrations and my dreams. Someone to bounce ideas off of… someone to share the responsibility of running a household and raising kids. I get someone who makes me laugh, sees me at my worse and inspires me to be my best. (Oh, and I get to make love to my best friend… what a sacred right and responsibility that is!)
And more often than not, I am so glad I do have kids!
I get to be a part of something amazing…something bigger than myself. I get to discover the world through fresh eyes and new experiences. I get to laugh and love and protect in a way I never did before.
My point?
My point is that no matter the situation we are in, there are pluses and minuses… and there are rights and responsibilities.
One of the rights and responsibilities of marriage is sex. Yet too many married people want to essentially live as if they are single.
And by “single” I’m not talking about the way of the world… the promiscuity of “friends with benefits.” (Although some married folk do want to live that way, sadly).
What I instead am talking about is “single” as God would have them live… not having the right and responsibility to have sex.
Are you a married Christian wanting to live as if you are a single Christian?
It’s worthy to dig into this dynamic… this tendency to resist the rights and responsibilities that come with the life we have chosen.
Hey, I’m not perfect. I’m guilty of this at times. Like I said, sometimes I miss the freedom that I had, particularly with my time, before I was married and had kids.
But I am married and I do have kids. And I don’t take either of those endeavors lightly. They are packed with a lot of work, but they are also packed with a boatload of fun and love and wonder too.
Look closely at your life… the choices you have made that have put you where you are now… and ask yourself if you are doing all you can to embrace what such situations entail?
Humbly consider this…
If you have kids, is it really healthy for anyone if you live as if you don’t?
If you are married, is it really healthy for anyone if you live as if you aren’t?
Copyright 2012, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
When I was single, 25 years ago, I looked to get married and have kids. I’m now married and having four kids is not exactly a walk in the park. With every adult kid taking her flight in her own life, I feel more fulfilled and more determined to grow the wings of their smaller siblings.
I never looked back, I can’t imagine being single again, I consider that would be worse than death. And you know what keeps my mood up in my marriage? Sex!
Having been married many, many years, I remember those days when the marriage seemed to suffer a bit because of the needs of kids. Not that we didn’t have time for one another, but it typically was “left over” time. One spouse would typically say, Hey, let’s just us have dinner. Can we leave kids with grandparents? And the grandparents stepped up wonderfully. I remember those stolen Sunday afternoons, where the kids went to play at the grandparents, and we were able to have Sunday afternoons for a nap and other beneficial activities. Once the children are grown, there is that wonderful time with no kids and no grandchildren. This is a time when many couples ask the question, “Who the heck is this living with me?” Luckily, if you work hard to find the answer, you have a resurgence of connection, both physically, emotionally, financially, and intellectually. Then come grandchildren, and it is time to remember when +your+ marriage needed the time, so you try to provide it for your grown children. I thank God for my children, my grandchildren, and especially my wife, because she has always taken care… of all of us. When sexual desire returns, after a hard time, it can return with a burning passion. It is never too late.
“And you know what keeps my mood up in my marriage? Sex!”
~ That’s one of the major reasons its important in marriage. When a sex life is withheld in marriage, the hardships of marriage can wear you down. It can make marriage no longer seems worth it and you can start to long for that single life. A healthy married sex life really does refresh and invigorate.
LS
: ) Clarification – when I say, “you can start to long for that single life”, I DON’T mean so that you can have sex. I was a virgin when I married. Single means celibacy, but for myself, it would be much better to be single and celibate, than married and celibate. (the Apostle Paul talks about the troubles of marriage. Having a beautiful sex life with your spouse is one of the things that offsets these troubles.)
LS
I have missed your blog for too long! This is great I have been worried about this but no, you have clarified for me I don’t live like I am single, or childless, I don’t think I could. I do however fight the rut of living like we are OLD.