authentic, intimacy, marriage problems, passion, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
The Best Way to Have Fun During Sex
One would think with a headline like that, I’m going to ramble on about positions, sex toys or skimpy maid outfits.
You were hoping for that, right?!
I have indeed touched upon those things before, like when I talked about positions in my surprisingly popular post Hey I’m a Housewife, Not a Gymnast.
Today, though, I want to zero in something that universally applies (whether you are getting crazy with positions. Or flavored lubricant. Or role playing.)
The best way to have fun during sex?
Be friends with your spouse.
Not the radical insight you’ve come to expect from a sex-crazed housewife like myself, right?
Sorry about that.
I really do think, though, I’m on to something here.
Tag along with me. (Goodness, you are already here, you might as well keep reading. It’s either that or watch that stupid YouTube video your annoying cousin sent you).
When it comes to sex, I appreciate an intense orgasm as much as the next person. But I attribute amazing sex in my marriage to the fact it is anchored in a candid and trustworthy friendship with my husband.
It is that friendship that allows us — equips us — to have so much fun in bed.
If you want to build stronger friendship that leads to more fun in your sexual intimacy, here are three suggestions…
1. Realize that how you treat each other off the bed impacts what is going to happen on the bed.
Sounds simple enough, I know, especially in theory. Sadly, this is something that too few couples take to heart — probably because it does indeed take intentional effort to walk in the direction of endearment.
Marinate your marriage in kindness, playfulness and grace, and you are bound to have some outlandishly fun moments beneath the sheets.
For some married couples, friendship comes naturally — either because they had built a deep friendship before they were married or because they each are generally friendly people.
In other marriages, though — maybe even in yours — a husband and wife easily lose sight of what drew them together. The rigors of daily life sap their energy and patience. Before long, they spend more time arguing about tedious details than embracing intangible blessings.
Respect, selflessness and sexual attraction? Yeah, those dissipate so quickly that a couple’s “normal” is characterized by forced civility and “peace at all costs.”
Yuck. Not exactly a backdrop for fun sex.
- Are there ways you could be nicer to your spouse on a regular basis?
- Are there opportunities you could savor that would make tender friendship more plausible?
I’m just asking, because you and your marriage are worth it.
2. Stop making excuses for not spending time alone as a couple.
If you want to strengthen your friendship as husband and wife, you have got to figure out a way to be alone with each other. I’m not talking about naked and alone (although, that’s nice too).
I’m talking about fostering an atmosphere that is conducive to great friendship —
- Uninterrupted conversation
- Enjoyment of shared hobbies or interests
- Meals without children
- A service project near and dear to your hearts
- Evenings away from home
You get the idea.
I don’t want to reduce it all down to “date night,” but the concept of that is soooo necessary.
While my husband and I often find the responsibilities of our life and calendar absolutely crushing, we have learned to be diligent about our time together to connect. Not surprisingly, sex in our marriage bed is better because of it.
Fiercely protect your alone time as a couple.
3. Learn to not be easily offended.
This can be a toughie, because I know that sexual intimacy is an incredibly vulnerable place. And in some marriages, sacred trust has been mishandled and/or insensitivity has taken root.
Add to this a slew of Hollywood-induced romanticized images of sex, and it’s no wonder we are easily disillusioned with real sex.
Real sex is messy and awkward and sometimes even embarrassing.
These things don’t have to be stumbling blocks. Ironically, they can be building blocks to the kind of transparency and safety necessary for phenomenal sexual intimacy.
The marriage bed should be a place where you can laugh with each other. Not at each other, but with each other. Spouses who are friends with each other have fun sex because they have built a wealth of playfulness that is exclusively known to the two of them.
Be discerning of your spouse’s insecurities and don’t take advantage of these. Instead, take accountability in building your spouse up so they increasingly feel more comfortable sexually.
If you are the spouse who is easily offended, honestly ask yourself if you are over-reacting. Maybe you are. Maybe you aren’t. Either way, communicate openly with your spouse with a heart motive of growing closer together, not further apart.
When you stand back and take stock of your marriage, can you say that you and your spouse are genuinely friends?
That friendship likely holds the key to unlocking the best way to have fun during sex.
Copyright 2012, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
Absolutely Julie, friendship is the key to intimacy. The closer you are and more honest the better the sex and also the more fun and laughter you have in the bedroom. I’ve found that if we experiment and find something too strange then we simply burst out laughing and have a great time in that way too.
The sensitivity issue I can definitely relate to although, with my husband, he’s about the only person I’m not overly sensitive about, as in his comments are like water off a ducks back. Maybe it’s because I love and trust him so much that I’m able to laugh along with them as opposed to how I might take comments in the past from other people.
Great read. I’ll tweet this out.
Thanks
Grace
Fantastic post! My hubby and I do have a deep friendship (he is my best friend) and I do believe that has a lot to do with our fabulous intimate relationship. Excellent points!!
My wife and I had been pretty consistent with your Tip #2 above (alone time), but have slipped a little bit in the past couple of months. Those daily rigors will get you every time if you let them. I definitely need to schedule more time for her and I and away from the kids so we can focus on each other and our marriage. Thanks Julie for reminding me of that fact!
Being friends with your spouse means being able to laugh when you accidentally hit each other during sex. 🙂 Yes, I have bopped him in the nose and he got me in the lip last night. Maybe after 10 years we will be so well coordinated at this sex thing it won’t happen again. Thank you for once again confirming how important it is for us to have time together.
Yes! *putting away my skimpy maid outfit* 😉
I’m a firm believer that having that sense of familiarity and fun in your relationship makes for better sex. Being good friends helps you to be good lovers. Great post!
“Real sex is messy and awkward and sometimes even embarrassing.” It’s usually those embarrassing moments when we crack up, taking a short giggle break makes the marriage bed FUN….
Your point #2 has been crucial for Mr. Muscle and I. It’s absolutely the key!
Lovely post, Ms. Julie!!!
Cant disagree that having a great friendship helps a lot. But when your partner, who you ARE great friends with, always says NO to any variety in the bed, what then?
The answer is always, ‘talk about it.”
How many years do we talk about about it?
I Love having sex with my wife. I DO wish she would be willing to try something in addition to missionary sex once in a while. I guess she does once or twice a decade, but thats about it. Its just frustrating.
LS
Reading this really helped settle my mind. I am a virgin and getting married this month. I have heard over 40 sex talks from friends and family. Yet none of them have mentioned the third tip. THANK YOU!!! I feel better prepared to face something that i both want and fear.