marriage problems, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
3 Ways to Improve Your Boring Sex Life
Okay, I should start by saying I’m not too crazy about the phrase “sex life” …
…because really, don’t we just have one life with a lot of moving parts?
I’m a woman, so I don’t have all those little boxes in my head where I can compartmentalize the intricate details of my life. To me, everything is connected, and the phrase “sex life” sounds like it is camping out in its own little box.
Which it isn’t.
Even so, the phrase “sex life” sometimes comes in handy when writing a headline.
And I hate to break it to you — this might come as a news flash — but bloggers have to get clever with headlines and leads to get their stuff read. (That’s the journalism major in me. When I worked for a daily newspaper, I used to write my leads each morning in the shower, if you can believe it).
I’m digressing (like you really care where I used to write my leads).
Let’s get back to 3 ways to improve your boring sex life.
When I speak to women’s groups, the gals usually want some tips on improving things in the bedroom when sexual intimacy has just kind of been pushed to the back burner (or moved completely off the stove, in some cases).
- How do we get back on track?!
- How do we start enjoying sex again and make it a priority?!
- How do have more fun sexually?!
Let’s face it — sometimes the lack of arousal and intimacy isn’t because of really horrific and painful experiences and betrayals in a marriage.
Sometimes the desire has waned simply because schedules got busy and full and wee little children or demanding careers or annoying family members are sucking the life right out of you. (Hmmm. Did I just say all that out loud?)
You know what I’m talking about, so here are 3 ways to improve your boring sex life…
1. Start small.
By “starting small,” what I am referring to is your affection with your clothes on. Instead of thinking you have to instantly rejuvenate things in the bedroom, why not begin by increasing the ways you touch outside the bedroom?
Is it just me or is fascinating to you how two people whose lives are so intertwined and who even occasionally see each other naked or get naked together can rarely or never touch each other when clothed?
I’m a big fan of appropriate public display of affection, but I think there’s also something to be said for the ways we casually express affection within our own homes.
Here are some ideas…
Holding your husband’s hand… even a brief squeeze to say “hello!”
Hugging him…
Lightly touching his arm…
Coming up and hugging him from behind…
Kissing his neck…
Running your fingers through his hair…
Kissing him passionately for no reason at all…
Sitting close to him on the couch…
The point is to physically touch him in a way that conveys, “Hey, I’m glad you’re my husband. And I’m glad I’m your wife.”
These little touches build closeness that lends itself well to more intimate sexual connection.
When a couple becomes increasingly comfortable with giving and receiving affection while clothed, they begin to intuitively understand the significance of such touch.
Sure, this may seem awkward at first if you are not used to touching each other, but I really think if you can push through that awkwardness, there are great rewards on the other side.
I’ve long believed that the way a couple touches with their clothes on says a lot about the depth of their intimacy and vulnerability when their clothes are off.
2. Try something new.
I know, it sounds like I’m playing the “creative sex” card. But really all I am saying is that if your sexual intimacy has become so predictable you could do it while you simultaneously read “War and Peace,” then there probably is some room for expanding the sexual repertoire.
You don’t have to go wild (unless you’re in to that sort of thing).
Maybe buy some massage oil and give your husband a nice long massage… and ask for one from him.
What about a bit more time spent on foreplay…
Or maybe a new position or new way of touching sexually…
Ask him what feels good, and show him what feels good for you. Show him ladies, and allow him to teach you, because sexual intimacy is too vital to leave to “mere chance” that you each will stumble upon amazing arousal.
The point is that even a little change up in the bedroom can enlighten you to new depths of oneness.
3. Stop settling.
This seems like an obvious statement, but maybe sex has become boring because you and/or your husband have settled for it being this way.
How’s that working out for you?
If you and your husband both think there is room for improvement, then get to improving baby. Make it a priority. Stop over-booking your calendar. Push the unfolded laundry off the bed and have some fun re-connecting sexually.
There really is never an “ideal time” to improve sexual intimacy. Your life is messy, which of course puts you in good company with… let’s see… the rest of the world. Somewhere and somehow — as you’re wading through all that chaos — ya gotta find a way to spend time in each other’s arms.
At some point, we all have to draw a line in the sand and decide if the benefits of walking in the direction of better sex are greater than the detriments of staying stuck in mediocrity.
Any other ideas on improving a boring sex life? Please, please, please… comment and share this post so that we can be Christians who are all about encouraging one another.
Copyright 2012, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
Great ideas! I love trying new things with my husband.
What you said about touching with your clothes on is so true! It really helps for when the clothes come off! You’re blog has really helped me make a change in our marriage. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Soooooo true. My husband and I have consciously made an effort to flirt with each other and give more hugs and kisses throughout the day… it has definitely led to more frequent (and fun) intimate moments!
Fabulous ideas, Julie! I love what you said about affection w/clothes on. (However, I admit that sometimes a single neck kiss on my hubby makes him think, “Hey, she wants me. Let’s go.” Men! ;))
A couple of other thoughts: It helps some wives to spend a little time on themselves to feel sexy, like taking a bubble bath, spraying a little perfume in special spots before getting in bed, buying a cute nightie. Also, schedule! You mentioned that our lives are busy. I think one of the most common misconceptions among the newly married is that sex must be spontaneous. But you can set aside time to anticipate and enjoy sex and still be free to spontaneously do whatever you two want when you get there.
By the way, if I can read all of WAR AND PEACE while making love, that’s a heck of a session, girlfriend. LOL. Loved the post!
I love these ideas because not only are they clear and simple, they are direct to the point and completely doable as well. And doing these simple acts can be very helpful for couples, not only to rejuvenate their sexual relationship, but to develop and deepen the intimacy in their relationship as well.
We have recently begun really talking and connecting emotionally and spiritually. After many years of a good marriage and a good quality but not really quantity sex life, I am learning how terribly important the physical aspect is to my husband. Here are a few things we have learned:
1. Pray and read scripture together- we bought index cards and write special scriptures for one another.
2. Turn the TV off unless it’s something you really want to watch- then DVR it to save commercial time. That’s time that can be invested in each other.
3. He likes to look at me! I thought candles were just romantic, but a 51-yr old body looks better in candlelight lol.
4. Look in your closet and see what you can adapt to romantic apparel- like a lace top with nothing underneath. Buy some crazy lacy undies and bras. His response has been extremely encouraging.
5. I randomly assigned numbers 1-11 to romantic apparel and he chooses a number ahead of time. I text hints or pictures of just the lacy pattern, not enough to tell him anything and certainly nothing that would be embarrassing if anyone saw, but it really builds anticipation.
6. Text each other during the workday. It can be romantic, friendly, “code words” , Scripture, or anything just to say I’m thinking of you.
All these things have really helped us become closer than ever. And thanks Sheila for your honest, open conversations that have helped me think!
Major break through for me: I am okay with him watching me play with myself but I have realized I’ve been showing him what I thought he wanted to see Not what I actually enjoy! Can’t blame him then for not touching me how I really want to be touched if I don’t show him, huh? I have made sex/intimacy too much of a performance when what I longed for was a conversation between our bodies. So hard to unlearn habits to get where we need to be.
Julie – How about a whole post on why “sex life” is a bad idea. (I agree with you 100%!)
I like your intro! We compartmentalize our sex life but it is woven into the whole relationship with our spouse. Also “sexuality is a powerful window into who we are” (Dr. David Schnarch). So if you look in the window and see boring….
Good post. The headline worked on me!
Yeah the unfolded laundry can wait. You got to make time for sex. Love this post. Couples just need to let all the stress go for the moment, put away the worries for a few hours, stop thinking about everything else and make time to make love. That’s the problem people’s minds are clogged and it affects their marriage. Touching is something that needs to happen all the time even if it’s just holding hands
Excellent advice! I love that it is imminently doable, things that any busy mother could begin to put into practice today. In recent months I have been trying to be more intentional about touching my husband in public, both tenderly and playfully. It’s amazing how loved it makes him feel and how much closeness it builds between us! And it really requires so little effort on my part!
Thanks for the reminder to keep on keeping on!
~Sharon
Julie,
I will have to say that to build a life that has an fun filled sex life I believe having consistency in your marriage is key. Being able to have sex regularly helps both couples to learn what both enjoy. Having Scheduled Sex, http://www.oneextraordinarymarriage.com/schedulingsex, for over 3 years now we are the first to say that it has added lots of excitement and learning in our marriage.
My husband has changed dramatically since right before we got married-nearly 1 year ago. We started living together in 2009 & things were perfect back then. The sex was amazing! But then around April 2011 we both got saved & decided to stay abstinate (sp?) & we didn’t have sex until our wedding night that next April 2012. Which was again amazing. He had confided in me over the years of some things that for other people could/should have been alot harder to handle but I decided to try helping him through it & I understood. We moved on from it. Then right before we got married he out of nowhere got into this fetish thing he’d tell me about, me having sex with other men & telling him his penis is too small. I hated the idea at 1st. And after countless nights of crying ot off & playing with my own toys after he fell asleep I finally accepted it & actually got into it. Its been that way ever since, nearly a year. But the last few weeks recently I have been having these feelings out of nowhere that I really feel like I don’t even wanna be married to him anymore.. Idk how that ever happened considering he almost left me New Years of 2010? I think it was, over my extreme jealousy-which I have gotten rid of a long time ago. Basically we worked it out. Anyway the last week or so he’s out of nowhere been super romantic & started being all lovey dovey/super feely, hugging & kissing me, etc-all the things I’ve craved over the last 5 years but hardly ever could get from him. I don’t get it, what is going on??? I asked him about it, if maybe he felt guilty or something & of course he said no & I don’t.think he’d lie. But why am I like this now?!? I love him! I have for 5 years & I’m just so confused right now, Idk what to do. I don’t wanna just up & leave our nearly fresh marriage. But he’s got me so into fantasizing about other guys & all these mixed feelings that I feel I’m growing apart from him. I just feel terrible about this. For the last 3 years I’ve kinda felt bad for not just letting him leave. I really probably should have. But things were I thought awesome. Then we worked it out & we stayed engaged. I’m sorry this is so long but I had to get it out. If anyone has read this far, thanks. I guess I’ll wait it out & see what happens…
@Anon… thanks for your comment…
You and your husband definitely have some issues that are causing further damage and discord in your marriage.
As best I can tell from your comment, you are (or have in the past) invited other people into your sexual intimacy. You mention, though, that you are saved and know Christ, so I would be careless to not tell you that it is sinful to invite other people into the marriage bed. My encouragement to you is that you and your husband seek Christian counsel from either a counselor or a mature Christian elder at your church, etc.
God truly is about transforming lives, so if you and your husband confess this sin (and any others) and truly repent… meaning, walk away from the lifestyle of promiscuous sex… then God will indeed show you how to build and sustain a marriage that honors Him.
You have to be willing to walk in the direction of health and godliness, though. A good strong marriage is not going to simply appear… it takes a willingness to seek God’s Word, to work on your relationship, etc.
I hope this is helpful. If your husband won’t go to counseling, then go on your own… not only to get wise insights from God’s Word, but also to demonstrate to your husband that you want a marriage that is truly a marriage, not one where there are other men in your bed and your thought life.
Thanks again for reaching out… my heart and prayers go out to you…
What advice you have for a man when yours wife shows you no sexual desires unless you fuss or complain about sex .she says She don’t want it .she Neverstress touches me .
@James Waldo… I would say that if you have tried to verbally explain to her that the lack of sexual intimacy is causing you to feel rejected, hurt and angry, and she has shown no interest in changing this pattern, then write her a letter.
A letter is a good opportunity to go into further detail about your pain… that this isn’t just about physical release, but that sexual intimacy is an important part of marriage and that it is emotional and spiritual closeness that you cannot ethically go get from someone else. Express to her your desire that the two of you work on this together to make it a more mutually-valued priority in the relationship… even mention that you would like the two of you to go to counseling.
If she still doesn’t respond with any sense of wanting things to change, then I would go to counseling on your own… not only to get the insights from a mature Christian counselor on how to navigate this situation, but also to demonstrate to your wife how serious you are about doing all you can to make the marriage stronger.
Is she a believer? If she is, you may also suggest the two of you read a Christian sex and/or relationship book together and study God’s Word on what it says about sex.
Also, definitely I think you need to find 2-3 other Christian men who will pray with you, pray for your marriage, offer wise counsel, not bash your wife… but genuinely seek to support your marriage. Possibly when your wife sees that you are meeting with brothers in Christ specifically on ways to strengthen the marriage and deal with the difficult parts, she may start to see why her marriage is something worth tending to.
I’m so sorry for the pain you are going through…
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I am 78, That’s years not hat size ! At the age of 65 (13 years ago) my wife delcared she not longer was interested in the ‘mating game’ and if I wanted that sort of thing I would have to find someone else. I never did because I love my wide dearly (we’ve been together some 30 years). Trouble is, whilst my wife’s sex drive may be dead mine definately isn’t !! Anyone got any suggesttions ?
My Husband & I, Both Agree That Our Sex Life Is Getting Boring, We Recently Had Our First Child & Things Just Aren’t The Same. I’m More Sexually Conservative & He Is Very Open, So It’s Hard For Me To Loosen Up But I Am Willing To Try New Things… Especially If It Will Help Save Our Sex Life.
Does Anyone Have Any Suggestions As To What We Could Do ?
I love to try new things with my partner but he does not seem to be interested.. I need to spice things up with him and things more exciting, How do i provoke him? I neeeeeed more sex and fun
My husband says he is not boerd with our sex life but recently he has asked me to allow other people to join in and I am not ok with that so I need to find a way to spice it up so he is not boerd
Mashell how long have you been together, what do you think made him ask of bringing others in, has he mentioned it or been that way until now I am going through same thing although he says he is bored and deprived help ..
Sex and marriage is what God has instituted,and if we his children have problems in that area,we should consult him for help.bringing other people into your bed is a pure sin,and should not be encouraged among believers.
May God help us all.let’s be wise with our sexual desires.
Mashell and Dawn, get to counseling NOW! Hopefully you will have caught the problem before it’s too late. I, unfortunately, did not. What problem, you ask? He may be about to cheat. When my ex husband started asking to bring another woman in, I refused, but I didn’t look into the underlying cause for him wanting to do that. The underlying problem was in our marriage. We were young amd dumb…he didnt know how to be affectionate, and I didn’t know how to teach him, so I nagged, and when that didn’t work, I just stopped having sex with him (never EVER do that) and a little over a year later, I found out he had been cheating with my best friend for almost that whole prior year. I found out that when he realized he was attracted to her, but hadn’t cheated yet, THAT was when he asked to bring another person into our bedroom…he wanted it to be HER. I give him kudos (not really, just being sarcastic) for not wanting to just up and divorce me. I guess that was his mentality because I do know that he did truly love me. He didn’t agree with divorce (ha! but cheating he was fine with!) I couldn’t live with it so I divorced him. Do you know he even begged on the day we went to court, if I would not go through with it, but if I would please let him be with her and see if they “have anything together” and if they didnt, he would come back to me?! That’s how messed up things can get, so just saying, nip it in the bud immediately with CHRISTIAN counseling.
Thanks for the tips.. I’m going to give them a go however I do tend to do a lot of these things already. My partner is just not an affectionate person though which makes it hard. Unlike other guys that I have been with, he wants sex pretty infrequently. Sometimes I’d be lucky to have sex with him once a week. We are both only 28 so I’m worried that it is only going to get worse. I’m so confused by it all! He assures me that he just doesn’t feel like it as much as other men but his constant rejection of my attempts to be affectionate and to have sex just put me down and make me feel horrible about myself – it makes me wonder if he isn’t as attracted to me or something like that. I’m finding it really hard to deal with.
I am really going to try your advise. Thank you mam; may God bless you
i am a man who obviously became boring to my wife or she acted gd for the past 13yrs we been together. been married 3 yrs now but i very rarely get it ans when i do i feel like its a guilt trip. however i am small and dont last the longest but ive suggested that we cld try new thgs she says shes happy. my arguement how can u b completly satified n 5min. i do my fasir share of oral because im insecure about it. i like some kind of help or suggestions on how to keep my wife from straying as i feel sges doneor close to it. thanks kenny in missouri
Hi, this is a big things for me to even ask for advise.. here I go.. Im 20 years old and my partner is 26. we have been together for 2 and half yrs. the sex at the beginning was amazing, almost every night and it was meaningful for me, since then its gone a bit down hill. we have recently moved into a new house together and its been pretty busy as well as myself starting a new job and then catching the flu, so things haven’t gone to plan. I feel that we don’t really have a sex life, and when we have sex its just because he wants a change from his hand..sorry. I used to wear certain clothes that would help, but they don’t give him the kick he needs anymore, I text sometimes during the day asking if we can have sex that night, so far no asking has got me anywhere.. he told me that when we had our own house our sex would improve and we’d be very good and happy. Now im the same as you, I definitely love the touchiness outside the bedroom especially in public, and if you saw us you wouldn’t think we haven’t had sex for almost 3 weeks straight. I love him to bits, and I understand some times he can’t because he has back problems, but you can’t help wondering if hes making excuses to not have it. Although that popped into my head I know he wouldn’t go somewhere else, hes not like that and he does love me, I just find it hard to talk to him and communicate to him about it. All the times I have done this it hasn’t got us anywhere and we are straight back to square 1. We are also due to get married in a couple of years and I definitely don’t want this to be our life. the trouble we have is that I like the idea of experimenting, however I don’t like to do it. I’m a curvy woman and as you can guess don’t like it but im happyish to stay the same.. so experimenting or any bad/negative sounds or words when we are having fun really puts me off and I feel ashamed and embarrassed that ive done something wrong. I used to only be able to have fun when the light was out, occasionally I will have the light on now and that’s almost 3 years down the line. I’m not quite sure what to do, he definitely needs to improve on his side of the playing field and I needs to improve my confidence in the bedroom, but im not sure how. I’ve not been with any other men so I only know him and his body.
Thank you- sorry its long winded….
Jorden,
I hope you will spend some time actually looking at Julie’s website. She is making a place to communicate to married women. She utilizes and explains Christian principles.
I am well aware that your situation is common (living with someone outside marriage). However, the circumstances you have chosen were, in fact, chosen by you. I know many who might read this would be scared of being “judgmental.” But really, fixing your sex life (in YOUR circumstance) is not something I personally deem appropriate.
The commitment to monogamy (marriage) creates a climate where each of you can grow and learn each other and only each other.
I have been with my wife for 28 years (between dating and marriage). I love my wife and am completely happy in every aspect of our marriage except for sex. I would call her a world class prude, but I think it goes deeper than that. In the beginning, I would say our sex life was so-so. I thought she was holding back so I wouldn’t think she was a slut. Little did I realize she was past her comfort zone while we were dating. Once the ring was on her finger she stopped showing any interest at all. For the first 23 years I wanted sex every 2-3 days. She has always been more like once every other week. Basically it was too bad so sad for you, deal with it.
At first I thought once she gets comfortable she’ll let her hair down and things will get better. I spent years racking my brains out for ideas on how to make it better. Everything I ever suggested was met with a no. There was never a time when a compromise or alternate idea was offered up by her.
I used to ask her about every 6-12 months what I could do to make things better. Once she said if she wasn’t so tired from doing everything all the time that she might be in the mood more often. The next day I took over several chores around the house. Years later I have yet to notice even the remotest change. We often hold hands, always kiss hi and bye, and always say love you.
I used to buy her sexy undergarments and sleepwear, but she would either refuse to even try it on, or wear it once and never be seen again. She says only sluts wear red bras.
I have had countless conversations with her from saying I wanted more from our sex life to I’m not satisfied, to I’m not happy. Her response has always been that she’s completely happy and satisfied with the way things are. I would explain how extremely frustrated I was and that her lack of interest made me feel like my wants needs and desires were unimportant. It made me feel unattractive unwanted and unloved. She would then tell me what I wanted to hear, but still nothing ever changed.
I had a one night stand about 10 years in. I felt terrible after and hated the guilt and decided that wasn’t a feeling I ever wanted to have again. I always suspected she knew but never said anything.
I ended up turning to porn. When she found out she said she felt betrayed and that she should be enough to satisfy me. I was like really?? I’ve been saying for years that I’m not satisfied!!
Five years ago I made one final push to get a better sex life. During the discussion she said that she does everything else, can’t I do this one thing? I’m sorry, I don’t know how to have a satisfying sex life without my partners involvement. That’s when it died for me. Overnight it went from me wanting it every 2-3 days to not at all. I don’t know how long a normal wife would wait before asking what’s wrong, but mine waited 1 year. We pretty much went another year without after that.
We now have sex about once a month, but it certainly isn’t anything I look forward to or enjoy. I now have trouble getting and maintaining an erection.
She recently commented that I might want to go see the doctor for help. Part of me wants her to be happy and satisfied. But a part of me is still angry and hurt and wants her to get a taste of what it feels like to go for 20+ years without being satisfied like I had to.
Clearly we both need counseling. If anyone else in the world ever said they have not once ever masterbated I would call BS. When she said it, I completely believe it. I certainly feel like I’ve done everything that I’m supposed to. However, I’m no saint. In the early years, I had snuck some naked pics of her that she was unaware of. They were for my eyes only until 13 years ago. After years of frustration and not being satisfied despite all my efforts and her lack of effort. We had a blowup and once again I was feeling angry and hurt. I got revenge by combining two things she hates, naked pics of her (that she never knew existed and certainly would have never posed for) and internet porn. I went all out, posting them on over 100 sites. I was that angry and hurt. She knows what I did. Thankfully she has never been recognized, but they are still out there and always will be.
I don’t know that either of our problems can be solved, much less both of us. I doubt this is how either of us imagined our marriage turning out.
I realized that both husband and wife gets in the mood for sex easily especially when their most important emotional needs are constantly met . My wife and I enjoy sex more whenever we are happy.
My boyfriend and I ave been together for one year and some months,we havent had sex over two months now whenever I plan a date for us to spen time together he always puts it off.To my surprize he asked me why am I so boring during sex nd I think he’s right cuz during sex he does all the work.I realy love him and want to please him and want to try new things but just dont knw what to do or where to start I realy need some advice.
I gave up. My wife has too many fixable things such as pain in the legs at times but she will not look into improving them though we have “Healed” her physical issues with supplements, she forgets to take them.
I bore her. My unemployment has gone on way too long and she has no desire to sexually improve things. Since sex is boring and she rarely gets off, our connection is impossible. It is all my fault for not having a job. I tried for so long but cannot get a job. She is worn out from working so our boring relationship goes on without connection. We go to bed at different times, she uses her hand to stimulate me and injures me because she is so bad at it. She is unwilling for me to spend time on stimulating her. Our marriage is dead except for mature adult conversations and her desire to have a better marriage and yet refusing to believe that sex is part of connection. I am a ruined man.With responsibilities in my 50’s with children and although fit and healthy, our marriage is a boring and unexciting thing. I wish I could afford a hobby.
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My husband and I had a full tell type night of discussing our fantasies. I’ve recently been attempting to tell him I’m ready to try his. But he doesnt seem motivated. I may be thinking to hard on all the details, but I don’t know how to initiate some of his wants. In all my fantasies, I’m able to break past anxieties and strange embarrassments, but these things are easier when it’s in your mind. I want to be able to seduce him, the way I know he craves.i just don’t know where to start. I don’t know how to feel confident in this area. I want too. Everything I’ve read is like an inhibition freeing experience. Too much like a movie. I just want to let go, and be with my husband, the way he wants too. His fantasy is who I always wished I could be, even if for just a night