marriage problems, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles
Penis Size and Painful Sex. What’s a Wife to Do?
I have heard from a few readers who have courageously asked me to address an issue that most women wouldn’t even want to discuss with their closest girlfriend.
I also happen to have a friend who experiences the same struggle and has talked to me about it (I guess this is the benefit of having a friend like me who will talk about anything sexual).
Here is what they are wondering:
What can a wife do when the large size of her husband’s penis makes sex painful for her?
For all the locker room bravado that would lead us to believe that “bigger-is-better,” if you spend any amount of time listening to what wives think on the subject, you will discover that we as women are not nearly concerned about penis size as men seem to be.
But when the largeness of a penis is actually getting in the way of an enjoyable sexual experience for a wife, then size ironically becomes more of a detriment than an attribute.
Sorry guys.
I’m just calling it like it is.
I should start by doling out my standard disclaimer — I’m not a doctor, counselor or sex therapist.
I’m simply a wife trying to offer good insight and encouragement.
I also want to add that sometimes what is going on during painful sex is that a wife and/or couple has unresolved issues with past sexual abuse, relational betrayal and so forth. If you think the real root cause of your physical pain is that you have yet to heal from past struggles, please seek a professional counselor and resources to be able to move forward in your intimacy.
Let’s say, though, that there aren’t abuse or relational issues.
When a husband’s penis size is causing pain for his wife, what should a married couple do?
Here are five things to consider:
1. Sex isn’t supposed to be painful.
Sure, most women will attest that the first time she has sex, and maybe even for short while thereafter, sex can be painful and uncomfortable.
BUT, a general rule is that God designed the penis and vagina to fit together, regardless of size. With proper arousal, the vagina is designed to secrete fluids that aid in lubrication and the muscles are designed to stretch.
If sex is painful, it could be that a couple needs to engage in more foreplay to better ready her body for receiving her husband’s erect penis.
If pain still seems to be an issue even with plenty of foreplay, consider…
2. Different positions and/or artificial lubricants.
A change of positions may make sex more comfortable, such as the wife being on top where she can have more control over the pace and angle of movement.
A husband entering his wife’s vagina from behind may also be more comfortable (some wives think this position is more arousing as well).
As a wife, you may need to coach your husband on how to move within you. If he is thrusting too hard or too fast and you are simultaneously experiencing pain, it will be almost impossible for you to not tense more, which just will lead to more pain.
If lubrication seems to be an issue, there are great over-the-counter lubricants that you can purchase at places like Walgreen’s, Wal-Mart, etc.
I think Astroglide is one of the best, but KY has a variety of ones as well. If you are using condoms as birth control, be sure to read the packaging on any lubricant to see how it may affect the effectiveness of a condom.
What if even with plenty of lubrication or a change of position, pain is still an issue:
3. Definitely talk to your gynecologist and possibly even a urologist.
There can be actual physical conditions that make sex painful. It may be difficult for a wife to discern if the pain is because of her husband’s penis size or because of something else entirely.
Don’t just guess or suffer in silence.
The only way to find out for sure is to have an open and thorough conversation with your doctor.
If your doctor is not taking this seriously or seems to give you over-simplified answers that really offer no solution, find a different doctor.
I cannot emphasize this enough…
4. Be your own advocate.
Research and explore all possibilities. No question is off limits when talking to your health care professional, even if you feel embarrassed to ask or embarrassed to describe what you are experiencing.
In addition to speaking with your doctor, consider exploring the websites of The Centers for Vulvovaginal Disorders and the National Vulvodynia Association.
These sites are dedicated to helping women who experience vaginal pain, particularly during sex. There are actual conditions that can cause pain, and these sites may point you to valuable resources.
Your doctor may also be able to talk to you about vaginal dilators, which aid in stretching the vaginal opening.
At any rate, I highly encourage you as a wife to remember this:
5. Do not carry this burden alone.
If you are suffering pain during sex, your husband needs to be part of the solution, not a bystander on the sidelines waiting for you to dole out information to him.
Husbands, please go to the doctor with your wife (if she is open to this).
Please read the information she is finding.
And by all means, please communicate to her that you are lovingly committed to helping her enjoy sexual intimacy.
She may be feeling like she is failing as a wife. She may think she is to “blame” for the sexual struggles. She needs your reassurance.
If you are a wife who has resigned yourself to simply enduring painful sex, I implore you to not get stuck in that mindset. Satan would like nothing more than for you to have a marriage that is marred by mediocre, dreaded or non-existent sexual intimacy.
You, your husband and your marriage are worth finding resolutions. You may think his large penis is the cause of the pain, but the issue may be more complex.
If you want to read more insights on this, consider this incredible post on pain and pleasure.
If you have personal experience in this area, please comment to share your insights and encouragement.
Copyright 2012, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
If it is painful in some positions, but not others, and you are also experiencing intermittent abdominal pain DEFINITELY see a gyno or urologist. If could mean other issues… in many cases, easily solved issues. (some, not so much, but good to catch early.) Either way- GO!
When we were first married I had a horrible time with sex being painful. This lasted for about 6 months. My GYN said that I just needed to be more aroused and sent me home. So I did some research. Turns out the birth-control I was on (Depo Shot) is known to cause problems. So I didn’t go back for the next shot. Two weeks later we could finally have sex without me crying. We have been married for almost 2 years now and although we still have to be careful (I’m pretty tiny and hurt easily) it’s so very much better than it was those first few months.
i often experence pain during intercourse unfortunately. it’s mostly when it goes in too deep and while its an ego boost to hubby that he can “tap bottom” (mind u he feels bad that it hurts and doesn’t do it on purpose) it completely ruins the mood for me 🙁 its gotten bad enough lately that i’m hesitant to initiate sex bc i have to be super ready for it not to hurt…
This is a great topic to cover because those women who struggle with penis size and pain may feel that they have nowhere to turn. Despite the male notion that being hung like a wildebeast is a good thing, not so much from the wife perspective, especially if she is early on in marriage. I agree with your tips and believe you did a wonderful job with the subject matter.
From a mans point of view, and after being married for 28 years, I have found it is very important to take the necessary time to prepare the women to receive the penis. First and foremost, is that the women needs to be lubricated. If there is enough foreplay, the women might create enough lubrication, but to be sure, I always will check to see if there is enough lubrication, and if there is not, I will add some. I think it is the mans responsibility to make sure his wife is adequately lubricated before intercourse. I also learned that Virgin Grape Seed oil http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B004XF1ZDY/ref=oh_o00_s00_i00_details is probably the best natural form of lubrication. I have used many different kinds, and grape seed oil is by far the best I have used, and it also does not cause UTI’s. I think atleast 15 minutes of foreplay is also very important, and that the wife should have atleast one orgasm before intercourse. If there is enough foreplay, and lubrication, it is much easier to give a clitoris orgasm. One orgasm will do wonders for helping to prepare the wife’s vangina for a penis. After one orgasm, the vagina becomes bigger and more ready to receive the penis. In the case where the size of the penis may be a problem, the man should take about 5 minutes and massage the vagina with lubricated fingers before intercourse. After I learned to do those 3-4 things, I never once heard complaints from my wife when having intercourse. If a women is still having pain after that, then she definately needs to get checked by a doctor. I apologize if I was to graphic, but those 3-4 things are so very important in helping the women have a great experience during intercourse.
Julie – Thanks for this; it’s more common than most would guess.
Aside from those who have real pain, many women suffer discomfort and can’t really enjoy intercourse.
Circumference is more likely a problem than length. Aside from lube and good foreplay, slowing down will help many couples. He should enter slowly, and be prepared to be still for a big after fully inserted. The ability of the vagina to lengthen and widen is not infinite, but it is fairly great if given the chance. Pain will stop and even reverse the process, so it needs to be avoided at all costs.
If he’s very wide, she will be sore the next morning far more easily. Regular careful sex can help with this, but until she can deal with it better they would do well to keep intercourse short.
Lastly, arousal dulls our pain receptors, so she may not feel pain, or not feel the full effect of pain during – only to be unhappy hours later. Learn to know your/her limits and don’t push past that.
I struggled with what I thought was this issue for years. My husband and I have been married for 12 years now and for the longest time, and 2 babies born vaginally, I thought that he was just too big for me. There was a stretch of time where we simply avoided the whole situation and didn’t initiate any kind of sexual play with each other at all and although I felt sad about it I didn’t know what else to do. In the last month or so I’ve been able to make some mental changes that have better equipped me to take him in and also have alerted him to the fact that he can’t just come on in right away – I need longer to prepare through foreplay.
Glad to hear I am not the only one who has this issue! Feels good to know there are others!
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The first time my 5′ 1″ wife saw me naked, she pretty much said “no way”, I am longer than average. She also doesn’t like getting “bumped”. An real easy answer is use one of the stretchy rings around the penis at the right spot. This work great, I highly recommend it.
Thanks for donating your much time in this holy cause. really help ful.
Really Helpful. My wife felt pain at some angle. But atanother she is much comfortable.
Sometimes, it does matter. After 18 years of marriage, the last decade of which has been almost sexless, I found out that my wife has had an affair with her generously endowed BF from before she met me. Theirs was a tumultuous relationship, but the sex amazing. When we got together, she was willing to sacrifice the sex (my smaller package didn’t do it for her) for the fact that we got along so harmoniously , and I was better “marriage material”.
Don’t get me wrong – I’ve always known I was more of a compact model. She wasn’t my first, after all, and I’d been set straight by a former girlfriend. But, I’d always believed in I could make up for it in skill and tried to develop my other techniques. I thought I had it with her, but I guess not.
I think it was a sort of mid life crisis, because she actually looked him up after her 41st birthday. She longed for that amazing sex, figured she’d have him as a mattress mate, and still keep our house together. A best of both worlds, so to speak, since he’s still a bit adolescent in his overall life philosophy.
Long story short, the affair was discovered, it has wreaked havoc on hour family. Our daughter failed her first semester at college and is basically angry at both of us. Wife is remorseful, and wants to make amends to us, and is willing to forego the amazing sex with John for family harmony. When I explained how hurt I was at being forced into celibacy for the past 15 years, she even offered me 3 times a week to make up for it.
Yay. I feel so blessed. Duty sex, knowing that it is really no more than a penance for her. What more could a man want?
Leave her!! You deserve SOOO much better!!!
Great post.
My wife and I have had a lot of problems due to my very large penis. I hope its okay to go into some “gory” detail because I have some experiences that might help others.
In particular, the thickness (or girth) of my penis has been a major problem. I actually really do not like my penis because it is needlessly large. Even at over 30 years of age, I am teased about it by some friends. I can’t wear normal slacks or jeans without being obscene and have to use compression shorts to keep it from being obvious at work. And the problems with my wife sexually have been disheartening. I really wish I had a normal sized penis.
My wife and I had resorted to basically only doing non-penetration sex like oral sex and hand jobs. When we first met, she was surprised by my size and we worked our way to intercourse by foreplay and using fingers on her to prepare her. After about two months, we tried intercourse using KY Liquid lube after a lot of foreplay and slowly and with some pain I was able to penetrate her. After the initial shock, as she got more aroused, we were able to have sex. It was amazing!
A few hours later, she was in a lot of pain from it and was out if it for another day. I felt awful about it. We tried a few more times and if I just barely penetrated her, it would be okay, but it was not really fun or pleasurable sex for either of us. Also, over a few attempts, it actually became impossible to enter her vagina all together. As I was about to try to enter her, her face would scrunch up and it was like a wall inside preventing entry.
After that we looked up what was going on. I knew from past experience that it could take time and work for someone to get used to my penis, but had never experienced it becoming less able to take it. There is not much information on this out there and it was hard to find. That’s when we came across the term “vaginismus”.
Vaginismus is apparently a condition where just prior to penetration, the woman experiences a muscle spasm that closes off the vaginal walls. This is an unconscious reaction due to the anticipation of pain. It made a lot of sense! The treatment was to use “dialators” to get her used to penetration and prepared for my penis.
Dialators for this purpose are sold. Basically, they are like dildos of increasing size, starting with a shorter thin one and working up to a longer, thicker one. (We also bought a nice vibrating dildo. It made it a bit more fun.)
We also tried a new lubricant, a natural organic lube called “Good Clean Love”. Thus stuff is amazing and highly recommended.
The vibrator and dialators helped immensely. At first the smallest one would not even go in, but very quickly we were able to go to the largest size without pain for her. At that point, although my penis is much larger than the expanded, she wanted to try intercourse. It worked! Slowly and with the lube, we were able to have sex again. And this time she did not have that pain hours later.
I know I’m going on, but one more thing. At that time, about half of my penis was entering her. If I went too far in, she would have a shock of pain. It didn’t feel like her cervix was being hit, but something else. We went to her Obgyn to see if she had endometriosis, but found out instead that she has polycystic ovary and ovarian cyst on one side. The doctor recommended prenatal vitamins for the hormone imbalances (which are another topic all together) and trying sexual positions that would avoid brushing that side.
Massive, massive difference once we found that out. We figured out positions where my penis would not hit that area inside her. Missionary and her on top facing me work great!
Now, I’m not saying we have the perfect sex life as a result. Far from it. But we are able to have mostly pain free sex finally, and that is a huge step. Any intercourse involves using her vibrator, lube, a lot of foreplay and the right position.
Hope something in here can help someone else. I still wish I had a smaller penis. I feel like it would be a much simpler solution. And I could wear stylish jeans!
@Michael Jay… thank you for taking the time to share your experience. I do believe you’ve given great information and that many could benefit from it. It is encouraging that you and your wife did not give up and were committed to exploring possibilities, talking with doctors, etc.
Thank you!!
Thank you Julie! I hope it does help!
One thing I learned in this experience is that if both of us are involved, it makes a big difference. Learning about vaginismus and the ovarian cyst were keys to repairing our sex life. There’s nothing I can do about my penis size, but there were solutions to these other issues.
I married a virgin and our marriage ended over painful sex. We tried Dr’s lotions and creams. Nothing helped and she cried like a baby every time.
I hit bottom with every women I had sex with. We tried spacers of hard foam rubber and more.
I moved on after the divorce and had problem with other women. I reverted back to the spacers. It allowed me full contact while not banging her cervex.
Wife of over 20 years does not need them. She has heightened desire as I do. We worked and things moved and shifed to allow full use.
I catch her off guard at times now and she jumps away. With position and hard work we have great sex life. Helped much after our 2nd child. She feels better at 40 than she ever did at 20. Bigger is not always better, thats a fact. Several women told this and after told it would never be spoken again.
I found out in rape and sex offence class, no pleasure points beyond 3 inches of a normal vagina. Only pain.
If you take it slow, then over time it will not be an issue at all. My husband is extremely large. His penis is over 9 inches long and about 7 inches around. We have been together since we were in high school. It was difficult to have sex the first few times, but once I learned to relax, it was not a problem at all and felt very good. Twenty five years later, still no problem. The only time we ever have an issue is if he hits my cervix. This was a problem as a teenager, but he never tries to go deep now. We prefer doggie style and me on top so I can control the depth.
I got married and was still a virgin at 20, my husband was the only man I had as a partner. He was killed in a car accident 6 years ago. I am now 43 and newly married. He is the 2nd man that I have been with. My problem is he’s to big for me. We waited until we were married and had sex for the 1st time our wedding night and it was more painful than my 1st time. He gets right on my cervix and it’s times it feels like he’s going through it and into my uterus. It was the worse pain I have ever felt and I had abdominal pain for several days afterwards. It’s been 2 weeks since we had sex and I have no idea how to handle it.
@Crystal… thank you for comment. First, I am so sorry about the death of your first husband. How tragic. I’m deeply sorry.
As for your current marriage, please do not give up hope. I am not a doctor, but I will offer a few suggestions. Maybe you have already tried some of these, but thought I would mention anyway.
Spend more time on foreplay to prepare your body for sex. If you are anticipating pain, then understandably you tense, which makes the pain worse. More foreplay may help you relax more and help intercourse go smoother.
When your husband enters you, he needs to go slow… probably a lot slower than he wants to. But, if he goes slow and does not thrust as deep, I imagine you would experience less pain. He may never be able to thrust as deep as he would like.
Also, possibly try different positions. If you are on top, you may be able to better control the rate and depth of penetration. You may also use more lubrication.
Also, do not rule out going to your gynecologist for a complete physical to ensure there is no other reason for the pain you are experiencing during intercourse.
If after trying a number of different ways to make intercourse less painful and it still is a struggle, continue to talk openly with your husband about creative ways you can still nurture your closeness and help each other experience pleasure. It would be so unfortunate if because of the struggles, one or both of you isolates and avoids intimacy.
Keep the lines of communication and prayer open between the two of you… resolve that you will continue to work on this together and not let it diminish your marriage relationship.
Michael Jay, Thank you so much for your direct solutions. I am about to marry a man with an abnormally large girth to his penis. It does not comfortably fit inside of me. we use artificial lubrication to mix with my natural lubricants. He really likes enjoys middle of the night intercourse. I am NEVER ready and this is the MOST painful sex we have. I love him and want to enjoy sex with him. But the anticipated pain keeps my legs closed more often. I will definitely consider different positions. Are there any that are more comfortable that you can speak to?
@Thickergirl…
My encouragement would be that you and your fiancé stop having sex and that you wait till marriage to have sex. God’s Word is clear on this matter because He wants what is best for you.
Our problem first starts that it hurts my wife when I first Enter her… She’s wet enough, we’ve used lubricant I know from past experiencs I’m larger than most she has told me and I’ve always gotten crap in the locker room… I always can not wear nornal pants because it shows every time… I guess I dint seem to notice but when my wife told me that she could see my thing I was was thinking no way I’ve been going on like this the whole time and no one has said anything…. Anyways she is the smallest and tightest I’ve ever had and I’m the biggest she’s ever had…. Both my length and girth are kinda a problem for her… I feel bad but I know there has to be ways we can work this out we have two kids for c-section… Due to her being so tiny…. We’ve been together for 6 years married for 4…. I love her very much and don’t want her to be in pain… This is also causing her to not want to have sex Which I respect… After my penis is in for awhile and I have to go very slow right away… It starts to feel good for her and he ends for orgasming multiple times before I do… It is really good sex but I need to get by the first initial penetration Pain for her now we are a young couple 24 and 25 and I don’t want us to stop having sex because of my size…. We have a long journey together and I’m looking forward to the whole thing! I love her very much and am needing a little assistance and this for it to be more enjoyable for her I feel bad and not sure what to do…
All this stuff is been great to hear. I can’t really understand it all because I am not huge. As a guy of course you would like to be but I also hear that it’s not a complete requirement. This has been confirmed on this thread. I do wish I had more girth with mine as I am only 5 inches around. Is this good or bad?
It is a blessing I came upon this thread. I had the exact situation with my husband and it was very difficult for me and him. Now after 20 years of marriage (with fantastic intimacy) we are more in love now than when we started. God has truly blessed us! However, the very first time I saw It I screamed then cried, because I knew that there was now possible way I could take something that large (In both thickness and length) In fact it was so gigantic – for a minute I thought he was playing a trick on me with something fake! I actually ran out of the room! I was terrified and heart broken- I never knew they could grow that size- it was truly ridiculously huge! anyway, I stopped – came back and we talked- he was very understanding because he was used to this reaction and we had several conversations about it before I saw it- even though I was expecting something really really REALLY big– I truly did not know until I saw it right there in front of me. So we prayed about it, and talked and it was our love that helped us through.We proceeded very slowly and it took me a long time before I could just accommodate his width- but when I did it was amazing! I can only take about 1/3rd of his length though- there is no possibly way I could take it all unless I was a 50 foot tall woman! ha ha. The point is though that through Love, prayer, understanding and the Lords help, we now have the best sex either of us has ever experienced! God showed me that my husbands incredible size-(Mr. Incredible I call him!)-he calls me Elastigirl! lol) His size is a blessing not a curse and it was out love and faith in God that brought us together and WOW has God rewarded us! I kiss it every morning and thank God for making this wonderfully big thing for me! Just remember; Love Faith and patience!
Our marriage was the same.It was an awful problem. I was so proud of my tool and she was horrified. We worked it out
Hello. I’ve been married to my adoring husband for two yrs and the only position I can endure without pain is when he’s on top of me and his legs are on the outside. I’ve tried on top, him from behind, and lube and foreplay and I still have pain when we try diff positions. We go slow but my husband winds up going fast and deep. We’re also trying to get pregnant and my husband thought I haven’t gotten pregnant because he hasn’t gone deeper inside me. He feels really bad when he hurts me. I have a history of fibroids and was wondering if that might be the cause for painful sex?
@Need help… Definitely I encourage you to get a thorough exam by your doctor and tell your doctor specifically about the pain.
Some positions can be more difficult (and for some women, more painful) than other positions. It may help when you are trying different positions if your husband can try to not go as deep and fast. It could be you are tensing as you anticipate him moving faster and deeper. Another consideration is to try different positions, but don’t necessarily finish in those positions. Try different positions as they are comfortable, but then switch to missionary position to complete intercourse.
At any rate, continue to nurture your intimacy (sexual and other forms of intimacy too).
Thank you for commenting. I’m sorry for the struggles, but it is encouraging that you are not giving up on finding ways to enjoy sexual intercourse.
These are great tips I will try with my husband he is very well endowed at 11 inches and a good 8 inches in girth and it has been a struggle ever since we have been married. I am about 5’2 and 125 pounds. After 2 years of marriage I still have not fit him in. We can’t do oral either because I can’t fit him in my mouth. 🙁 I swear his member is longer than my forearm and considerably bigger around. I’m discouraged that even with these tips we won’t be able to have a sex life. What to I do? 🙁
Ok, so-I never thought I’d be involved in a conversation like this one. (Funny how perception is reality for so many people.)
I never considered myself well-endowed. I always thought I was average. But my wife begs to differ. She’s made it clear that my member is much bigger than I realize. Our sexual intimacy started out great, but over time, she’s become more vocal about my penis causing her pain. Apparently, it’s longer than average and I get too excited and end up “going too deep.” Fortunately, it hasn’t really affected our overall intimacy as much as just whatever particular session we’re in that I make this mistake.
She’s sweet about it, saying things like: “I’m little.” (She’s 4’11”.) Or, “You’re a lot bigger than me.” (I’m only 6′, but after reading this thread, I see that that doesn’t matter at all.) Anyway, I don’t always hurt her, but when I do, I feel horrible and wish I maintained the presence of mind to not get too excited and start thrusting deeper. Argh!
Early on, she’d joke that my penis “rearranged her uterus” when I’d ask if she was still hurting. I should’ve known it was a problem back then. But I didn’t, and though our lovemaking is still generally great, it’s obvious that it could be far better, and I want that so very much. I love her dearly and want to be the best godly husband I can be-in every respect.
I’m so very grateful for all of the information presented here, but I have just one comment/question:
I know now that I cause my wife pain when I thrust too deeply, so I try to limit myself to “half-thrusts,” but when I do that, it becomes more difficult to not climax too quickly, because, for me, the sensations I feel are more intense in the first few inches of her vagina.
And I take care to encourage her to control things and get on top of me, but she just works on the first three to four inches of my member, which is better for her, but doesn’t help as I’m trying not to climax too quickly, lol.
I’ve tried masturbating prior to sex with my wife, focusing on other things during intercourse, or even exercising the pc muscle and using it to stop myself from orgasming too soon. None of this works. And I’ve read about those numbing creams and how they can also affect your partner and make sex a lot less enjoyable, so I’m not interested in that. I resolve myself to kissing her and touching her while thrusting a few strokes at a time, then pausing and repeating. It’s problematic because now I never get into the rhythm she needs to climax vaginally. (Though she does get plenty of oral stimulation; I enjoy foreplay and cunnilingus, and I know that helps our situation tremendously.)
I don’t have trouble with premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction. It’s just that I’ve never really had to limit penetration to just halfway (or less), and I’m struggling with the intense pleasure I feel from stroking so shallow in my wife’s vagina. Unfortunately, she isn’t the first woman I’ve been with, and I’ve heard before that I can “go too deeply,” but I wasn’t married (or saved) and didn’t think anything of it. The fact that she’s the smallest woman I’ve ever been with adds an unfamiliar element to the dilemma.
Does anyone have any advice?
If sex is painful I also suggest going to a physiotherapist for pelvic floor help. I’m fairly petite and my husband is larger. We’ve had 2 babies in 3 yrs. During sex if he went deep or a position hurt, we’d switch it up or I’d cry. I knew this wasn’t normal and eventually sought out professional help. Turns out my muscles on one side are tight and short and his size was putting stress on those muscles. Not fun! Communicate with your husband, get a refferal and get potential issues looked at.
I am so glad that Father God has lead me to find this page today. I do understand a friend’s predicament now. All I saw of him was his virgin bride forsook him after 20 years of marriage, his anger and shame. He was in other relationships, first trying to sort this thing out, but was rejected at the end. He longs to have a wife, but always wants to “test” first. I now understand his fear. Besides this, God’s blessing will never be on such a relationship outside of marriage. I will share this precious comments with him. I trust Father will heal his fear and restore his manhood…. And give him a precious wife that will love him for the great man that he truely is!
God bless you all..
I have a narrow vaginal canal, an anterior pelvic tilt (makes my pubic bone prominant and sit low) and my cervix is tilted forward instead of back. My gyno said I would have to find a man with a thin penis that’s shaped like a hook to reach my cervix opening and a large penis would easily cause me pain. My husband and I were virgins when we married, he is 9 inches and girthy. It took us 3 days to figure it out and after 9 years of painful, tearful, days-to-recover sex, my husband begins to consider an open marriage because of the pain he’s causing me. Just the thought made me sick to my stomach and we quickly realized that wasn’t an option. So, I researched and found this thread. Michael Jay – I cannot thank you enough. I can’t wait to try your recommendations. I think this really may help.
I am shameful in saying that I did find “the perfect fit” in a man who wasn’t my husband. He said I was tighter than a virgin and the sex was euphoric for us both. I have since come to my senses and left that life to come back to being a devoted wife, mother and spiritual leader in my family, but the painful intimacy is a proving to be a big problem, especially after experiencing how it could feel.
When he goes in, it feels like a jackhammer trying to break up a cement wall (my pubic bone). When he’s done, I keel over in a fetal position and soak my pillow with tears. He in turn feels horrible and depressed. I have been losing sleep from the pain and mental distress (thinking he will give up on me). I try often, but can’t fit him in my mouth because of his size and my TMJ. I sound like a troll, but I am pretty and I’m blessed with a perfect set of La Las. I’m a very passionate (horny) girl who desires sex often, but the only way I can get pleasure is from nipple-play – we just haven’t gotten practice with ‘touches’ and I’ve never had the other stuff (with him). If anyone has suggestions for me, I welcome them gladly. I do feel encouraged by reading couples who took time to pray, be patient and work on it together. All things are possible with God.
I have been married 4 years. In the last 2 years we have had sex twice as my wife says it is too painful. Last time she started telling me hurry up and finish, so I figure that is the end of that, never will I try again. So now we sleep in separate beds and I feel we are more just 2 people raising 2 kids. My wife shows zero interest in anything physical, offered to just giver her orgasims, but no. She told me her gyno on her last visit remarked how small she was inside.
@Largerthanaverage I am no expert, but as a woman, my immediate reaction is the pain and 2 kids. I will share my experience which may or may not be helpful.
I don’t know how old your kids are, but if they are both little, I can related to her. It sounds like our marriage during those years. What about sex is appealing for her? Probably nothing.
Having sex = pain
Getting pregnant=morning sickness, back pain, leg pain, followed by the horrific pain of labor
Having a baby=lactation pain, lack of sleep, stress
After 3 pregnancies in a row, I had a full-on fear of sex. I was getting 4 hours of sleep a night and not in a row, had 3 kids 2 and under, and worked full time at home. I was at the breaking point. Another baby would have pushed me over the edge of stress. I did not want to risk it while he complained about birth control interfering with his best experience. I began to resent him for it. I thought, “What are you? An idiot? You get your blast of pleasure while I’m in abject pain from my last delivery and you will get me pregnant again for me to suffer for another 12 months. Let’s see. 2 hours of pleasure equals 12 months of pain. And you think YOU’RE getting ripped off!!”
My husband did the same as you. This caused me intense emotional pain as I felt like he married me as a sex object and once he wasn’t happy or getting what he wanted, he got angry at me and rejected me. As a woman, I refused to have sex with a man who did not love me. That was degrading to me. He insisted he loved me while nearly shouting at me, “What is wrong with you? I’m telling you I love you. You just will come up with any excuse to not have sex. You’ll take my money, but not me. You’re the one whose stopped loving here.” A woman can’t feel love from an angry man.
This cut me to my heart. Everything about sex was bad. My husband resented and seemingly despised me – and rejected even sleeping close to me while claiming he loved me. And now I had three small children who needed their Daddy. I was trapped in a hopeless, loveless situation after only four years of marriage.
One day, my husband came to me and told me, “What do I need to do to make you smile at me again?”
The dam broke and without accusations I opened up to him. He didn’t like what I said about his behavior or how I felt, but his whole manner changed as soon as I very innocently told him, “And our neighbor’s been so kind to me. He listens and helps me. He offered to do whatever I needed. So, I think that’s really helped. I haven’t had to bother you so much with what I need. I think you’re happier. And he came along to the park to make sure we were all right since it was late yesterday when you had to work longer. He’s really been a rock for me to lean on. He’s just so kind to me.”
He quietly said, “So, that’s what makes you smile. The neighbor guy.”
When he asked if he was “after you”, I laughed and denied that any guy 3 years younger than me would be after a mom with 3 kids who still had to lose her babyfat and who had stretch marks, while my husband quietly said, “If I don’t started taking care of you, listening to you, and working with you to resolve our problems, another guy’s going to get my wife and kids.” I repeatedly denied that I would be unfaithful, but he suddenly got much more interested in our relationship instead of hounding me for sex and accusing me as to why I wasn’t giving it to him. In return, my heart started turning back to him. After a few months, I was much more willing to work on our sex troubles when I was reassured of his love and true affection – and after he had paid a friendly visit to the neighbor guy thanking him for “being the standing-in husband, but I got it from here”.
It’s good to read the comments made. I was so proud of my tool but when my wife saw him for the first time see was horrified. What a sad day for both of us. We both have very high sexual desire and had no clue what to do back then. That’s why I respond. Not only am I huge and being she is very small with a very reverse tilt. No doggy style option. We have a system that works beautifully. Twice a week we are both home alone. Tuesday and Saturday we lock the doors and park the car inside and spend hours in the nude together. We have PERFECTED ORAL SEX even though she can only have him in her mouth for a short period at a time. We love our nude bodies and we love pleasuring each other slow and easy. She’s good for me and I’m good for her and we accept the limitations and rejoice the solution. We have learned to enjoy the natural fluids we produce as sensual. She even likes the taste of my semen and I’ve always liked giving her oral she tastes great?
When I read my own comment I say to myself I sure hope couples who have our problem will read this together and understand that marriage is about growing together through pain not just fisicial pain but knowing that emotional pain also gave us strength of character to face the day after we allow God to give each other unconditional love and forgiveness. Now we have a good sex life even though neither of us are as attractive as we once were. We were broken of our selfishness even though I don’t believe neither of us were selfish if you know what I mean.
It’s too early in the day too early to awaken my wife. But we have talked yesterday evening about what we would be doing Sunday afternoon. That’s called a sex date and what we would be doing sexually for each other and I can’t sleep because it arouses me by thinking about this. I love my wife. She’s beautiful to me
Glad to see I’m not alone in this…….don’t have anyone else to talk to except groups on Facebook and I had no clue how to broach the subject without sounding crude :/
I’ve been with my hubby a lil over two yrs…….in that span of time we’ve had three unplanned pregnancies, the last two resulting in miscarriage; first ended in a very traumatic birth experience. After all that sex doesn’t even appeal to me much anymore.
To add to the issue, he’s VERY thick. He’s long too but he doesn’t have an issue with thrusting too deep. But the girth has been an issue since the beginning. It took three days before he managed to get it in. After that it wasn’t such a big deal cuz we were in the “can’t keep our hands off each other” phase, but it has ALWAYS hurt afterwards. We’ve never been able to have sex more than once a nite cuz I feel raw and irritated and itchy down there afterwards.
After all my body has been thru with the traumatic birth and miscarriages (which is of course a result of sex so my mind has associated sex with negativity), sex has def lost the appeal. I feel horny fairly often but I don’t let on. I find myself masturbating rather than going to him cuz it feels better and I don’t feel sore and raw down there afterward. Plus a lot of times we can’t finish because he says it feels like I’m “pushing him out” even when I’m actually really turned on. Then he keeps pulling it out and trying to put it back it and its a total turnoff and I’m just DONE at that point and then we’re both frustrated.
I do have a few issues which I feel probably contribute to the issue…….my first time having sex, the guy I was with was very rough and didn’t listen when I told him to slow down and basically forced himself inside me even tho I wasn’t ready……I don’t feel that I was raped, it didn’t hurt and I got a lot of pleasure from it but it was still a lil much since I’d never had sex before.
I’m VERY delicate down there (possibly because I’m diabetic) and my skin down there tears VERY easily; other than the guy I had my first time with, EVERY partner I’ve had (2 exes and my husband) has torn me very badly down there at least once.
I experienced medical rape twice the day I had my daughter. 🙁
And for some reason, I can’t be penetrated from behind because it feels like the bottom of my opening (the part closest to my anus) feels like its being ripped apart. Hubby and I have managed to do it in that position twice but only after a lot of contortion and fumbling because he felt like he was being pushed out. It would just be nice for once to just jump each others bones and just go at it like crazy instead of all the fumbling and frustration……..and it’d be nice for him to be able to just put it in there instead of having to inch it in and it’d be nice for it to just feel good without it hurting at the same time.
Also can’t really do it with me on top cuz it feels like I’m closed up or something and it takes FOREVER to get him in there and when I do its uncomfortable and even if we can get to a point where it feels good for me he can’t just let me do my thing (which is kind of the point of me being on top), he insists on thrusting and that just hurts then I get mad cuz he won’t let me control things That’s another issue, sometimes I’d like to have a lil control so I can get a lil more out of it but he insists on always taking over even though I’ve told him I’d like to set the pace sometimes. -_-
I also don’t get much from oral sex cuz my clit is too sensitive and he always uses too much pressure and touches it too much instead of going around it like I’ve tried to tell him, and I don’t like going down on him cuz it makes my jaw hurt and it takes forever and it honestly grosses me out and I always have an unpleasant taste in my mouth afterwards. (Just from going down on him, I don’t let him finish in my mouth cuz it makes me gag.)
We’re goin thru a lot right now and we’re not as close anymore, and we can’t use sex to retain intimacy cuz it hurts and I just don’t want it anymore……..idk what to do. I dont feel the way I used to bout him and I don’t feel as attracted to him anymore even tho I want to. Sometimes I daydream about being with someone else. I would never cheat especially with a 20 month old in the equation but sometimes all this just gets really frustrating. 🙁
We also have communication issues cuz he can’t seem to understand what I’m saying and he gets defensive so I don’t feel like I can talk to him bout all this cuz it’ll just turn into an argument and make my stomach knot up :'(
Sounds like you need to cultivate a close relationship with Jesus together. That’s the glue that makes our marriage great. Even when sex was not working great life had hope and we knew we would get through it.
A,
AWESOME advice! I totally agree with you!
Again I read your comment. I don’t know you but it sounds like your situation was very similar to ours sexually. I’ve never able to rear entry my wife and the first years she was often extreemly sore after sex but I was not that sensitive to her needs back then as I am now. It’s called maturity. I don’t know your ages but please read this together because I believe I could help you both. Never leave the option of divorce on the table thats always the wrong choice. Try to perfect oral sex. Shower together wash those parts so clean they shine. It takes practice but it’s worth it. It sure was for us. It all takes time and patients. It took my wife a few months to learn how to give good oral sex. She will let me place semen any ware I please. But mostly I give her an amazing orgasm first and if I wait a few minutes she’s ready for me to come in with no pain at all. It’s fun and challenging see it like an adventure because it is.
5:24 AM some may think I’m weird but I just love my wife so much. She was Gods gift to me. We went through so much pain in life together. She understands me now? yes there are people like us out their that love God first and allow Him to teach us how to love each other.
Hi, this is extremely embarrassing for me but I don’t know what to do. I love my wife and we having problems in the bedroom department. We don’t have sex lately and I can understand her, but I always get the urge to be with my wife.
I’m 25 years old and having a child but it’s been beyond a Journey because she always screaming in pain because she can’t handle it.
I have a larger then normal penis which it hurts her a lot. I feel so bad for her, I want her to enjoy it and love it but instead I’m causing her pain. Ereck my penis is 11 3/4 long by 8 1/2 thick.
What I have done is swap a sock around the shaft to create a stop so it won’t go in all the way, but she saids it’s to thick and simply going in she’s hurting. She wants me to talk to a doctor to see if there is anyway to get it reduce but I’m Latino and we don’t believe in modifying any part of a bar human body, but at the same time I don’t want anyking of surgery near my junk.
Please if someone could help me out, I want to be able to have my wife love sex with me, I want her to enjoy it. I hear men complain that they wish they had a larger penis but please know that bigger means more problems.. I’ll take a normal size penis anyday from the one I have..
Even a hooker before I was with her would not sleep with me because she said its to big for her.. In high school I wouldn’t get any girls to do anything with me, the most ever got was head and even that they complain it bairly fit in her mouth because it’s too thick also.
Please anything help I would be forever greatful. It’s hard because I can’t just talk to anyone about this. I feel like I’m some sort of freak.. the only person I ever told were my cousins and the first thing that they want is to see it instead of offering help.
As for me, I got married 1 year ago and I still cant handle the classical position. We found a better position in which he enters me while laying face to face. however, Im not sure if he enters me partially or fully, but it makes me climax. And what made me worry is that I couldn’t handle a transvaginal exam so I wondered if my husband never entered me fully so far..
Okay first and foremost size most certinly matters, especially as you and your wife age. Sex may be a great thing for men at a young age but for your wife its going to get more intense in her mid to late thirties. Just because you have a large member doesnt mean your doing your job pay attion to your with rub and massage her body take the time to get to know your other half communication is the most important ingredient to intemacy and women please learn to understand your men and communicate as well this will greatly increase both your happiness and remember the keys to communication are honesty and also context and perception.
My ex busband was a sex addict. I couldn’t take the sex because it was extremely painful I cried when he would go deep. I cut sex off because it was painful. He cheated and we divorced. I had an endometriosis cyst and it was painful for pep smear to happen. My cervix bleeds when I have pep smears too. Do anuone have these problems
My ex busband was a sex addict. I couldn’t take the sex because it was extremely painful I cried when he would go deep. I cut sex off because it was painful. He cheated and we divorced. I had an endometriosis cyst and it was painful for pep smear to happen. My cervix bleeds when I have pep smears too. Do anyone have these problems?
God hates divorce but I believe you had grounds. Hurting your spouse is the altimate ugliness in a marriage. To disregard a spouse is the altimate in wrong in a relationship.