marriage problems, sexual intimacy struggles, Uncategorized
What Sex-Starved Husbands Tell Me
Your husband is not an “animal” for wanting to have sex.
He is not being unreasonably demanding.
And he is not a selfish pig.
He is a normal guy who has an appropriate expectation that his desire and need for sexual intimacy be met with the woman he married and loves.
That’s you.
Yes, I know that some marriages are in the midst of incredibly painful circumstances, wrought with betrayal, horrendous miscommunication and deep unresolved woundedness. The lack of sex is not an insurmountable matter, but I get that it is complicated.
I also know there are many marriages that don’t fit that bill. Many.
For the most part, they are relationships that move along just fine, with the exception of this discord in sexual intimacy.
Voila.
Sex-starved husband.
Enter stage right.
If you have been regularly denying your husband (and yourself) sex — if this is the “norm” in your marriage — then I humbly encourage you to stop lying to yourself.
Stop telling yourself “it is no big deal” that you and your husband rarely or never have sex.
It is a big deal.
Now, I could tell you to “just have more sex.”
But that advice would be drenched in short-sightedness and surfacey platitudes.
Ridiculous.
If ever there was a place for short-sightedness and surfacey platitudes, I guarantee it is not marriage. When have quick fixes or token efforts ever led to any kind of authentic and long-lasting depth in a marriage? Don’t answer that. We all know the answer.
What I would compassionately tell you is to figure out why you have allowed and/or purposely chosen that sex become non-existent in your bed.
Here are some possibilities (and some solutions):
Are you punishing him for a past hurt that the two of you haven’t worked through?
Do the courageous thing. Bring the issue out in the light and commit to reaching a place of forgiveness, healing and strengthened resolve to treat one another better.
If you need help from a counselor, get it.
I don’t know your situation and I certainly would never minimize how badly he hurt you, but give yourself permission to stand back and take an objective look.
Is it worth it — is it really worth it — to withhold sex from him as a way to punish him? My guess is the feeling of victory is not quite as prevalent as the quicksand of bitterness.
Have you not sought healing for past sexual pain, such as sexual abuse, sexual promiscuity, rape, abortion, so forth?
If you were violated sexually in the past — or if your own sexual promiscuity has left you wrestling in isolation with shame and pain — then I implore you to seek help.
For the sake of yourself and for your marriage, please do not deny yourself the healing you need. That healing will help you embrace a right and good and holy perspective on sex with the man you married.
Are you not experiencing pleasure?
Learn about your body and educate your husband. Talk during foreplay and sex to specifically tell him what feels good.
Relax.
Spend more time making love.
Allow yourself to embrace sexual pleasure, which was designed by God. I know this is obvious, but God designed your entire body, including your clitoris. Yes! The clitoris was God’s idea. Kudos to Him on that one. Seriously, that little part of your anatomy serves no other purpose but intense sexual pleasure.
Like I always say, orgasm isn’t everything. But it is a very strong something.
Are you still believing lies that sex is dirty, wrong, gross, only for procreation?
Enough already, okay. Enough.
God designed sex to endear a husband and wife to each other, to protect them from temptation, and to give them a glimpse of His intense love. (Sure, He designed it to make babies too, but the vast majority of sex in marriage isn’t for procreation).
Whatever you’ve been told (maybe even by Christians) that paints marital sex in a bad or “obligatory-only” light is a bold-faced slam against the Word of God. Stop trivializing the truth of what God says about sex. Think I’m looney for saying any of this? Seek His Word and then let’s have a friendly heart-to-heart chat.
God is such a sexy God. I’m just saying.
Do your own struggles with body image inhibit you to the point that you have convinced yourself “there’s no way he would want to have sex with me”?
How I wish that this body image issue didn’t wreak such havoc on marriage beds.
This might be a shocker to you, but the standards doled out in media and entertainment on what constitutes “beautiful” and “sexy” are completely inaccurate. (Creating counterfeit images is kind of their gig. It’s called “make believe” for a reason. We are “made” to “believe” something that isn’t quite what they portray it to be).
If you want to get physically healthier, by all means, please do.
But if you are holding your marriage hostage until you lose the baby fat or get back to your age-20 body, pa-leaseeee — stop it. Express to your husband your struggles and ask him to be more affirming. Then do your part by growing in your sexual confidence and enjoying sex with the man you married.
(By the way, if you want to read a couple of fabulous posts on body image, I particularly like this recent one by Lori Byerly, as well as this one by Mrs. Hot Holy Humorous.)
Is his hygiene (or lack thereof) offensive to you?
I know this can be a sensitive issue, but if your husband paying closer attention to his hygiene would help improve your sexual intimacy, then by all means, you have to tell him. Speak with a tone of love, but speak it.
And for you husbands reading this, trust me — most women like a guy who smells clean. Better yet, a guy who is clean. Shower before you head to bed. (Wives, why not suggest you and your husband shower together before sex? Just an idea. Hmmm. Wonder how I came up with that one?!)
I could go on and on, but my point is that a long-term solution is not simply “going through the motions” when it comes to sex (or, sadly, not going through any motions).
Do you want to know what some of the sex-starved husbands who contact me say?
Some say they wish they weren’t Christians so that it would be easier to “just leave.”
Some say they feel rejected to the point that they think their wives don’t even love them.
Some say they are tempted to look at porn, but they resist. It is extremely difficult though.
Some say they do look at porn, but would rather be having sex with their wives.
Some say they completely understand the appeal of having an affair.
Some say they stay in the marriage because of the kids.
Some say they are angry at their wives for being so careless with their marriage vows.
Some say they feel worse after receiving “obligation” sex.
Do you want to know what all of them say?
All of them say they hunger for sex that is characterized by deep love and oneness with the woman they married.
Call me crazy, but I just don’t think a selfish pig would say something like that.
Copyright 2011, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
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I must confess that for the last 5 years I have lived in the state of pity sex or no sex. At 40, I am in excellent shape. I am clean, kind, attractive, and affectionate. My income is high, I support my wife in ways that my friends find inconceivable and still she makes EXCUSES as to why it isnt working.
Ladies, let me be very clear and I hope this helps you. Sex is not optional. It is not a bargining chip nor is it your spouses responsibility to maintain your libido. If you have no sex drive then you need to find help. Now. Stop blaming everyone else and realize that depriving a real man of sex is equal to starving him to death. At some point, he will find another meal.
After reading the endless excuses on multiple secular and Christian forums, I am truly disgusted with the state of the American psyche.
Wake up and save your marriage. You have no one to blame but yourselves.
This man is over it, time to move on.
My wife had too many “rules” about sex, too many hangups. She thought that it was too dirty for her to initiate sex with me too dirty to touch my private parts too dirty to kiss her down there. Everything was too dirty for her.
Sex became a chore for her only giving it under obligation because sbe didnt see it as being important in intimacy anymore. My needs were last. My two dogs and her computer time was more important than I was. She made me feel like a pig whenever I kissed her intimatly or touched or squeezed her behind or even hinted about having sex.
After years of this treatment I started to see prostitutes because i didnt want to go through the trouble of starting a new relationship. It was amazing. These women made me feel like the man I desparartley wanted my wife to make me feel. For the first time I felt like a real man because they let the sex flow naturally with no rules about this or that no mental hangups whatsoever. It was the kind of intimacy I was waiting for my wife to show me but she never got it she never came around.
In my opinion 50 percent of women should never marry at all because they are like my wife with too much guilt about sex and intmacy. These women only desire children in which case they should adopt and leave men alone
They are not good sex partners whatsoever and will kill their marriage.
You cannot change a person who does not enjoy sex. As a woman I absolutely do not agree that any woman, or man, should abandon or starve their spouse of love making. It is an expression of love deeper than any other love. It is an essential part of marriage and anyone who withholds it from a sad or unhappy spouse does not deserve to enjoy all the other benefits of being with that person. Its cruel and unfair. As a woman I believe a man should always be taken care of. The same goes for a woman. There is no excuse to not show desire for a loving caring spouse, especially when they have earned it dearly. To leave a spouse frustrated, lonely and hurt is inexcusable. It will not kill an uninterested spouse to help comfort or ease a needing spouse’s mind, body and soul. Especially when they are past the point of agony. No matter what the situation, if there is love, even only like, there is always a way.
I am angry at my husbands past neglect both emotional, affection and sex wise. He never made a plan to make time to fit me in. He was always “too tired” but always had time for a favorite TV show, movie, computer stuff or to eat. On his days off he would want to go places he wanted. He bought movies he liked and at what he wanted. He never asked me or even suggested we do something that would bring us closer. I tried on my birthday years ago when the kids were little. His mom was gonna watch the kids but I asked him if we could take them to the park for 30 minutes then drop them off so we could go out, to make them tired but he got angry and called off my birthday. He said this was our time, no kids BUT it was MY birthday. He hit me cause I was upset. His family stinks bad as well. I found out years after we were married that his brothers are all in gangs, deal drugs and other horrid stuff. His Love is Food he does not need sex anyway. He is 550 pounds and his orgasm is a great steak. I’m with him for the great medical benefits although I provide 75% of the financial support cause he owes A LOT to the IRS from a previous business that he messed up accounting wise. He thinks he looks great and watches porn.. I don’t care cause I know that no normal woman would ever want that. BTW: His toe nails are literally 2 inches long each. He can’t bend to clip them and I no longer do THAT dirty deed. I won’t mention how he poops himself all the time.. whooooo… sexy 😉
To add, I want to make it clear that the BEST sex I had with my husband was him lying like a beached whale while I turned into prostitute #23. I started to resent the fact that he never wanted sex when I did. I begged for years for REGULAR sex and not what he wanted and when. I am not happy not having sex. My libido is high and I have had 7 affairs over the last 11 years. None of those affairs turned into relationships for different reasons. A few may have but I was scared BACK then to leave my husband at the time when the kids were babies. He still asks for sex but he never kisses me and I keep telling him that I NEED to be shown affection on a REGULAR basis to even want to have sex. So maybe he did to get the sex and then the next day, treated me like dirt again. Each time that happened, the time in between sex sessions was longer and longer. I am trying to show what happened over time. I think he needed to date other women so THEY could tell him what he won’t hear from me. He needs others to tell him what’s up cause I’m just his wife (doormat).
In my 20’s I’ve managed to throw my car keys and brake a living room mirror, slam a bedroom door closed and then lock him out for the night, smash a dinner dish with dinner on it (that was a real mess to clean up), even slapped his face once when he condescendingly and arrogantly blamed me for us not making love. I’m not that person I used to be anymore. I’m older now and my utter and complete frustration over our one sided sex life is handled differently. Due to my children being young at the time, I stayed and cried a decade or two. My youth and sexual vigor always had me reacting violently to going long periods of time without. Adultery was never an option but so was being celibate. Boy did I have pent up sexual energy! I felt I could move a house with it. I relentlessly fought against the rejection. When my period would show up after no love attempts, I would be furious with him knowing a whole other week would pass with NOTHING! Hurt feelings can only deplete a person to their core. But good ole anger can help you move mountains. In my 30’s, the new age of the Internet allowed me to have my first affair. My self esteem was back on track for the first time since I was married. Someone thought I was pretty and desired me! In the span of two years one affair soon turned into eight. I was starving and it was buffet time. Some were good, some were great. Once I realized all I just wanted was someone to be in a true committed relationship with me, I stopped. I chose to strengthen my marriage in order to become a real working family unit for my children. It was never easy but I had love and my husband was only lacking in the sex drive department. Even though he refused to check his testosterone due to his ego, he was a fine provider, excellent father, good looking, great dancer, and helped around the house like a gem. I decided to approach everything with more patience and more communication. It was so not easy. His drive is ‘once every six weeks.’ Mine is ‘as much as humanly possible.’ When we are getting along, its about 2, maybe 3 times a month with me doing all the initiating. I hate that part but being without sex is 100 times worse. I’m in my 40’s now and I’m trying to be kind and appreciative and happy. But as a woman…no strike that. As a human being I yearn so deeply to be ravaged by my spouse. To be pinned to a wall. To be utterly attacked and taken. I miss being pursued in every way possible. I had that with my first boyfriend and knew in my marriage what I was desperately missing. Passion. Am I addicted to sex? No. I just adore it, every single bit of it with my soul. I always wonder: How many times would be too much? Would I choose new clothes or sex? Would I chose new furniture or sex? Would I pay off a credit card or sex? As much as the last one gets me to pause, I would still opt for him to be deep inside me. It’s that much of a priority for me.
Thanks to everyone for sharing these stories. I’m a non-believer who feels trapped in a sexless marriage (at least ten of our 15 years of marriage have been thus). It’s hard for me to understand why many Christians who are in a similar situation attribute this problems to their religious doctrine, i.e. staying married because God designed it that way or the Church requires it. I have no doctrine or belief in a divine plan, and yet I keep my commitment to my spouse and children out of love and we are committed to staying together because we believe it’s the right thing to do. However, there is a complete and persistent lack of intimacy. Religious or not, our sexless marriage has damaged self-esteem, caused insomnia, led to depression, and made life miserable for both partners: the deprived and the depriver. It has also put our children at risk of being impacted by our negative feelings toward each other. Because I need a sexual outlet and I won’t turn to a lover outside the marriage, like many here I turned to p**n long ago. I wish there were some way to turn this around, but it’s gone on so long and my spouse refuses to discuss it, much less seek counseling or even talk to a doctor. Of course I want to be married for life, “in joy as well as in sorrow;” but I often wonder if it would be better for the children if we leave our sorrowful marriage behind, get a divorce, and move on to find joy for everyone.
After 7 years in a sexless marriage I realized that my wife could not overcome her devout Catholic childhood and the abandonment by her mother. Bad wives cant always be helped. I divorced her with no adultery involved. I remarried a Christian woman without the brainwashing who loves to enjoy and please me sexually. Been married for 25 years now. My message: stop suffering and move on!
Since my older daughter was born 27 years ago, my wife has refused to have sex with me, except for once 22 years ago, when she became pregnant with our second, and last, child. In al these years, the story is the same: she is “not ready” for sex but never tells me what would help her get ready. I know that she struggles with her body image. She gained 20 pounds with the first child, and 30 with the next, and another 50 over the last five years. I still think she is beautiful and sexy, but the answer is always “no.” I support her well, do almost all the cooking and housekeeping, have always been there for her and the girls. I am approaching 60 and despair of ever having the intimate relationship I crave with her. She refuses to go to counseling, because it is my problem.
Where can I find some real advise? I have not simply tried absolutely everything imaginable about changing a sex starved marriage, but I still am living a good Christian life and treating my wife with love and admiration, but still nothing. We have been married 23 years now and struggled sexually throughout! In short, my opinion is she is scarred from her selfish unloving parents. She never felt loved and safe with her parents. So deep in her core being, she feels unlovable. My love for her can’t conquer that monster. And you probably thought your in-laws were a problem! The little bit of sex we have had only consisted of me gently caressing her and when she was sufficiently aroused she would pull me on top and tolerate it until I finished. Game over. No cuddling, no reciprocation of any kind, needless to say, no enjoyment or satisfaction of any kind. Ahhh, the good old days. Its now been two years since any encounter at all. She doesn’t seem to mind. We’ve been to good councilors, which merely added more depression to deal with. She hates what she as become physically over the years, she has gained a good bit of weight. But I still am attracted to her and find her beautiful. She still has a great personality and is fun to be with and I love her dearly. How else could I have stayed with her. I know what we are missing and I suffer constantly trying to not let it destroy me. Thank God for his strength in me. Ok, there you have it! What words of wisdom are out there? Help! Oh, I guess I need to mention she feels that she isn’t any different than any other women, so I am also dealing with denial, big time!
OMG, Ray. You’ve done everything asked of you and then some, only to be rewarded with a sexless marriage and unwilling wife. My heart goes out to you, you should be in a very different place at this time in your life.
You and the follow-on post by Chip are in the same boat – a dutiful husband with an unwilling wife. Looking down the road all you can see are sexless nights, but your responsibility to the relationship keeps going on. You’re not dropping the ball, your wives are.
You can’t pray away your sex drive. Don’t even try. You have every right to sex within marriage, you’re entitled to it. Both of you have reached the point where you’ve tried prayer, counseling and conversation and nothing is changing.
The only thing left is to let your wives know that you will not be placed in a place of temptation any further. If they need to see a doctor for hormone treatments, then they need to go. If they need to lose weight, they’re going to start. And the sexless marriage is no marriage at all, they need to start deciding if they want a husband or an ATM…and you’re not an ATM. They need to know this is THE deal breaker subject for you, and it’s going to be fixed.
I know this sounds harsh but if you do nothing you’ll be in the same place you’re in 10 years from now, but older, bitter and probably have had an affair. Christian wives simply cannot turn off sex and expect their husbands to pay the bills, be a friend and keep going like there’s nothing wrong. Sex makes the marriage, folks.
@Tim: you acted on your situation after realizing it couldn’t be fixed, found a loving situation and are better off. Imagine how you would be now if you had waited decades for a person who refuses to change…you’d have had an affair and been miserable. Some people just shouldn’t be married because they’re not willing to do what it takes to make their spouses happy. I applaud your actions and wish more people took the positive step to happiness that you did!
@Annie…that is a horrific story, to say the least. Why do you stay with someone like that? Isn’t your self-esteem worth something? I wouldn’t have put up with behavior like that from my spouse for 5 minutes! Since my spouse KNOWS that, she wouldn’t THINK of doing that (and vice versa!).
Joe’s quote of “In my opinion 50 percent of women should never marry at all because they are like my wife with too much guilt about sex and intmacy. These women only desire children in which case they should adopt and leave men alone
They are not good sex partners whatsoever and will kill their marriage.” – no truer words were ever said.
The blog is very good!. So it is relieving to note that there are other starving husbands like me. Some wives go further in NOT giving any sex to their husbands. They use their grown up children as human shields to keep their husbands away!. They allow children to sleep in next room with the doors open. So the husbands are chained! They cannot do anything during night. What a sadists are these women. It is surprising to note that these wives are church goers and pray!
@Elle
I’m sorry that you have been hurt by abusive men in the past in relationships.
When I found out that my wife had been abused as a child (she didnt tell me till we had been married for 10 years) all I could do was hold her and cry for her.
I’ve learnt to live with her and the scars she carried from her past. It means that I have to live with how she feels and if that means sex is sporadic then thats what it means.
I’ve never ‘taken her’ by force, its not my nature. I’ve never been with another woman in all that time either. I dont know how to express the number of times I have cried myself to sleep or sobbed inside as my wife rejected my advances in bed. Frankly, after all these years now, I simple dont bother trying. That is a sad statement of our relationship.
The things I have learnt is that you cant blanket cover people with one label. Not all situations are the same and people are all different. It took me a while to see my wife’s situation from her perspective. I still get it wrong especially when I am struggling with my own feels. And thats the issue. We both have feels!
I have been neglected and rejected by my wife for many years now (15+). She began to lose interest in sex after the birth of our 2nd son in 1997 (1st one passed away due to medical complications at birth in 1988). Before menopause set in, she would complain that she wanted to have a little girl (daughter), and I would plead with her and try to initiate sex to try to make that happen for us. Most times she would make some excuse (one after another, night after night) and when we did have it, she became this “dead whale on the beach” and just laid there waiting for me to finish, which after all these years now has only manifested itself into total disgust for the both of us. If she cannot show she enjoys it then I cannot either, and it just ruins the moment. She has let herself go, after many of my requests for her to stop eating junk food (tootsie rolls, potato chips, anything sweet) and drinking soda after soda. Now she not only weighs more than I do, she has 2″ more to her waistline than I do. She has had some medical issues, but doesn’t everybody? She convinced me about 5 months ago that a hospital bed would be more comfortable for her, so I bought her one, and now she spends 80% of her time (when she is not going to work) in it. I had convinced her to return to work last year, in hopes it would bring out some spark of energy to resume sex. In trying to be supportive and wanting to be sleeping next to her, I bought another hospital bed and tied them together. It has only become worse, with her always complaining about hurting in one way or another, and she just spends even more time in that hospital bed. IF I want to eat at home, I have to prepare it myself. IF I want my clothes washed, I have to do that myself. IF I want sexual pleasure, I have to do THAT myself also. I am basically living a single life, and allowing her to stay here under the same roof. A friend told me all I am doing is supporting her bad habits, attitude, and lack of concern of my starvation for intimacy, by enabling her when buying that hospital bed. In the past 15 years we have averaged maybe 3 intimate moments a year, and now we have not had one in 5 months. Ok, I am not perfect either, but the underlying depression that accompanies a sexless (or mostly sexless) marriage, leaves a man or woman to feel worthless, and then your view on the world changes to entrapment. Marriage for me now is nothing short of a prison sentence with no physical contact and no conjugal visits. Hey, if I am not getting what I signed up for at home, I either need to be getting it somewhere else, or run away forever, two things I have avoided for years now and always talked myself out of, up to this point. I have tried to point her in the right direction of understanding, but at this point “I am done”. I feel we have hit “the point of no return”, and at age 46 I cannot be looking at 10, 20, 30 more years of this without throwing in the towel. I am not a spring chicken, after 26 years of marriage I am older, but not dead yet. I don’t want to sound selfish, but I got married so that I could (under God’s law and man’s law) enjoy sex without fear of being under criticism or living in sin. Nowadays I find myself looking at other women more and more every day, wanting to flirt with coworkers even knowing it violates policy, and flirting online with other females, which I compare to lust, which is also sin, so if I am already sinning, why not not at least be enjoying what quality of life I have left on this earth by just going for it? I have had a range of emotions at home and at work, and it is now affecting my work performance. I hate work, I hate my life, I hate the thought of being trapped another minute in this hell hole of a relationship. I have done my “tour of duty”, I am done. I have forwarded links to this site and other informative info to my wife, and I won’t even repeat what I have heard from the other room when she sees them. She truly believes that this situation is all “MY fault”. I am the one who is to blame, after being patient all these years and trying to understand how I can fix this, but now even MacGyver couldn’t fix this one with a roll of duct tape and wit. I am not going to “force” her to have sex with me (her own husband) because today’s screwed up legal system calls that “rape”, even within the marriage bed. So “I am done”. I am throwing in the towel, even if I have to lose everything I own, I can’t take it with me when I die anyway. Emotionally I am dead. Spiritually I am dead. God quit listing to my pleas for help a long time ago. He quit on me, I did not quit on Him. I am just tired and fed up with being jerked around. I have recently (secretly) resumed contact with someone from my past (whom my wife hates and is jealous of) who understands exactly what my situation is, and has agreed it is past time for me to leave, even offering me a place to stay. Maybe there is at least hope for a few last fun times before God smites me and takes me away from this life. All I know is, a life like this is not worth living, and if I have a spouse who is either too dumb to understand or too indifferent to care, then I have nothing left to offer but divorce papers, questions left unanswered by disappearing forever, or continuing to live a lie in a sexless marriage as if I still care because my give-a-care has busted, and at 46 years old, they don’t make replacement parts for that anymore. To continue in an activity with the same actions, and expecting different results, is not only stupidity, but is unproductive as well. My cup hath runneth over. I am done. Forget marriage counseling. Any cougars out there looking for a chew toy? Better have money, cause my paychecks are gone too, paying for this past mess of a life I once called home.
Don’t be emailing me, don’t be hunting me down and calling me. Nothing is gonna fix this mess, I am done with it. I am tired of being neglected and rejected. I am moving on (if in sin, then so be it), but at least I will finally be happy again. Maybe someone’s wife will read this and realize just how serious sex is to a husband. THIS is the consequence that can occur when it finally hits the fan.
Thank you for explaining this. I only wish my wife would see it this way. She’s read both this article, and the one about “5 things you MUST know if you are denying your husband sex.” She actually laughed, and told me that she would never be that loving to me. It cut me deep bc I desire for us to have a family, but all she desires is to play in bed nothing more. This has been going on for three yrs, and I can’t take it anymore! I am serving her divorce papers as soon as possible!
My wife won’t be intimate with me anymore. We have been together for 14 years, no children. We are both career driven, however, I personally put our relationship first always. It has become hard these past several years, because I feel less and less like a man. I do all the washing, cleaning, cooking, initiation of kisses/hugs/touching, buying of flowers monthly (as always for 14 years, never missing a month), and it’s just broken me down. I’ve been keeping track of how much we are intimate. Two years ago, we were intimate 29 days out of the year. Last year it was 17. This year, it is month 5 and have done it 5 times a year. Color me crazy, but I think the trend is getting worse.
I’ve spoken to her, and she assures me that nothing is wrong. But at this point, words do not mean much to me.
I feel that I fullfill every obligation as a man to her. Never once yelled, threatened, cheated, or been out of a job all of these years. The only thing I can think of is that my 6-figure/year salary is not large enough. I am noticing that she loves money; her interesting peaking more as we both climb our respective career ladders.
I have not had this thought before in my relationship, but I’ve been thinking about leaving her. But I am terrified, my wife is the only woman I have ever dated. I only know her. Plus, I do not think anyone would be interested in me anyway.
i married a pretty sexy lady with a desire of a sex filled life, i grow up to know women love sex, i enjoyed sex with all my girlfriends before i got married. unfortunately my wife make me feel i dont know how to treat a woman, that i should go on my knees to get sex, i am cute, romatic, fun, caring but the sin i committed is marrying her.
meanwhile i have a life to live, i need sex as much as life. she can rot in hell i will surely satisfy my sexual urge. i dont drink, i dont smoke, the only thing i enjoy doing is sex, if she give it to me, i will get anyhow.
If my husband ever cried himself to sleep becuz i was rejecting intimacy with him, I would probably hate myself, and from that point on he would be spoiled rotten.I guess i just have a sensitive heart. Sex is love, but sometimes women just don’t find it pretty. Women,Please don’t be selfish:-( he is your HUSBAND, act like it.
My wife and I have been married 10 yrs. She is SO beautiful. We don’t have sex much at all and on the rare occasion that it does happen it is obligatory and hurried. The last time was 5 months ago and she didn’t even complete. Before then it was about 6 months. We were married for a year and a half before she even tried to have sex with me! She then has the gall to tell me that I am the worst husband ever because I looked at porn. When I was single, I NEVER looked at porn. I am not excusing my poor judgment but I don’t believe I would have even been tempted to look at it in our 3rd year of marriage if she showed some sort of intimacy toward me. Looking at that stuff always makes me feel disgusting anyway. I can probably count on my fingers and toes how few times we have had actual intercourse in the past 10 yrs yet, we have 2 children…and she keeps them in our bed every night. She doesn’t kiss anymore either…other than the kind of quick peck you get from your grandma. All she ever wants from me is to work on the house and get stuff from town. She is extremely jealous. She even turns the volume on the phone down so I can’t hear it ring if by chance my parents call. She is constantly accusing me of having a wandering eye and many, many times she accuses me of having affairs at work. We have been arguing more and more and tonight I was so overwhelmed by her emotional abuse that I began calling things as I saw it. I didn’t pull any verbal punches. So, she tore the presentation page out of the Bible I gave her and said she can’t use it anymore because I gave it to her “based on a lie” so I took off my ring and threw it at her feet saying “well, you gave me that based on a lie!”. I love her. But I feel like this kind of life is going to give me a heart attack. Seriously.
I have been married for several years now. I love my wife with all of my heart. Sadly, even since the beginning of our marriage I have been the victim of numerous bouts of adultery.
Our marriage, for the most part, has been a sexles marriage. There were times in which sex occurred once every three to six months. I tried to talk with my wife about this, only to be told that it was my problem. I fell into a horrible pornography addiction, which led to an even deeper sense of loneliness with added guilt and despair. With the Lord’s help, the hold which pornography had on me has been broken.
Sadly, I am now facing a divorce. My wife no longer wants anything to do with me, and she has even stated that she is now involved in another affair.
I feel so alone, so rejected, so worthless. I wanted so badly to have an intimate, God-honoring marraige, and now my entire world is being shattered into pieces. On some days, the pain is so extreme that I just wish that I could take a final breath and be done with this life, but I have some reasons to go onward. I am not suicidal at all…I am just trying to endure the worst pain which I have ever felt. I didn’t want only sex…I wanted companionship…
I don’t know how much more of this I can stand.
I do not know if anyone reads these comments, but if you read mine, would you please pray? This pain is just about unbearable.
@A Hurting Husband… I am so sad about your pain and have said a prayer for you. I hear from others who describe their pain as unbearable, so I know you are not alone even though I imagine you feel alone.
I encourage you to seek the support of other Christians, particularly Christian men who can pray with you and guide you. And I wouldn’t rule out professional counseling. So many people have benefitted from professional counseling, including myself.
@Julie – Thank you so much for your prayers.
There are childen involved in this situation, and seeing their hurt tremendously breaks my heart for them as well. I do not want to give out too many details in public, but I do still believe that God is able to salvage what is broken.
I pray as the brokenhearted father prayed to our Lord, “Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.” I have hope in God, but at the same time (and I have no idea how to express this in words) I feel so hopeless.
Thank you again so much for your prayers.
I am at a hopeless end. The way men and women view each others needs has come to a stalled end in our 30 year marriage! I am done being sex starved. I hate porn as much as any guy that does, but when your wife hides her nakedness from you, deliberately, it’s over. My wife is a beauty even at 50. Her long dark hair and her talents are all an attractive feature to anyone! I am an enigma as both a Christian and a man. You see I have been unemployed 5+ years. not underemployed…unemployed. I collect welfare because two of my kids are special needs. But my wife needs to work for the benefits and the extra cash. She uses this as a way to excuse sex, you know; “too tired!” “get a job and I’ll have more energy for you.” She also blames me for my unemployment…says I have a bad resume (all 30 of them). Her disrespect and scolding me is so, so, so bad, I can not take it anymore. We cannot afford a divorce. She thinks our marriage is fine but just a little stressed is all. She also says I am so mean. She finds so many things to use against me when really, it has to do with me being unemployed. She says it is not so, but it is…she has no respect for me because I have no real job. There is no way out. I would divorce her in a second if I had the money and then she would have to ‘save face in front of her family’ for getting a divorce like all the rest of them. My explanation in a divorce would be a sexual one. She simply is not there for me sexually and she could care less! I have never been so hated. She hates me and I hate my life. If not for my down syndrome daughter or my 11 year old youngest daughter I would use my 9mm on my head right now, No one offers real solutions when all I need is a good job. God knows this and yet He has chosen to ruin me, ruin my faith and ruin my family. God doesn’t have to do much. I screw up on my own easily. God just has to do nothing and no one calls any of the hundreds of jobs I applied for despite my Christian college degree! Oh, and she has Vaginismus too! has left it untreated for over a year!! makes all kind of excuses to not treat it or to not make an appointment, yet here we still are. God has left me nothing but ruin and a pathetic legacy. I have no idea why I ever witnessed for Him or why I continue to go to church. All my hopes and dreams of the career I hoped for and now any job are gone. I am as pathetic of a 52 year old, healthy, educated man as I can be. My poor wife is stuck with an idiot and this has been this way for YEARS!! Sex right now, or what little we do since coital is so painful, was 10 days ago! I could go and work my job more but NO, I’m unemployed and can’t really advertise it because it makes me look….unemployed!! Sex is not happening because I’m unemployed and there is NOTHING I can do about it, nothing!!
@Jeff… Your life has value. I know that is hard for you to see right now and the pain you are in is obvious. But please know that your life has value.
I encourage you to talk to someone. If you can’t afford a counselor, then go to either your church or another local church and ask to speak to a pastor or another Christian man who can listen maturely, pray with you, keep conversations in confidence and help you navigate the challenges in your life. Trust me that though everyone’s circumstances are unique, there are people who can relate to the pain you are in.
I know that I am but a stranger in the world of the internet, but I hope you will hear my words clearly that your life has value and there is hope. Don’t go at it alone, though. You need at least one (preferably a few) other mature Christian men who will counsel you and help you find that hope.
@jeff: You dear, wonderful man. I’ll tell you from experience that suicide isn’t the answer. You said Christian degree, so I guess you are familiar with the book of Job. You have been blessed by Jehovah and, like Job, Satan has targeted you to bring shame upon God and he is about to succeed.
God has entrusted you with one of his precious daughters, a dark-haired beauty that still makes your heart skip even after 30 years of marriage! He has granted two children into your care because you’re the best man who can raise them in this perilous world. He has granted you the right, privilege and responsibility to lead this family down the path to everlasting life.
Do not let your despair make you forget God’s loving command and advice. You are the head of the woman just as Christ is the head of the man. Excercise headship over your family as Christ does over the congregation.
Jesus Christ, the most educated, powerful, perfect man ever in Creation, washed the feet of his disciples. His advice to them was simple: He would lead must also minister; to be first, you must be last.
The Christ surrendered to God and humbled himself to death for the congregation.
Jeff, you need to put yourself in God’s hands. Let Him guide you through these trials. Humble yourself and let go of your pride, which Satan is using to shred your soul and those of your family.
Humble yourself before your wife. Lean on her strength, truly listen to her and ask for her help and you will show her how precious she is to you. Both of you are feeling alone and you are because you’re not working as a team. But it is YOUR job to lead. And sometimes to lead. , you must follow. She is your most precious resource. Use her lovingly and wisely. Sex is not your problem, neither is her ragging on you. They are symptoms.
You are strong enough for this with Jehovah’s help. Pray for the job that best suits His will, not yours. Remember that whatever we pray for, if it is within His will, He listens to. And he wants your marriage to be successful and happy, so pray for the wisdom, strength and words to make your marriage succeed.
And stop being silly. Outside of the bedroom, open your heart and tell your bride how much you love her and how much more beautiful she is now than when you first met and how she takes your breath away every time you see her. And keep telling her every day. Even when she nags.
You’re in our prayers.
Clarification for a post that looks bad. If you saw me you would not assume I was unemployed. Most days I am fairly stable. It will be 14 days tomorrow since we last got together sexually. She gets sick every other week. Then works her tail off in the garden. I don’t know what to say about that.
On my faith; I am a Christian apologist-defender of the faith. I attended a Christian college to finish my degree in 2010. I think of suicide on occasion but realistically, there are many things associated with it and I will not contemplate them-such as my kids reaction.
Back to sex talk;
My wife’s indifference to sex and her condition of Vaginismus is pathetic. She has had it for over a year and claims that once I go to work she can get an appointment. She claims that going to bed nude once in awhile, is a chore that I should appreciate. I said that if she is uncomfortable with me sexually, nothing she does is worth the “chore.”
In our society there is talk and innuendo’s of sex in almost every media source. Then there are high and low needs for sex and then there are boring wives and boring husbands. Add to that older age (50 for her, with a body of a 30 year old), our busy household and you get my present situation. I cannot just shut off my sexual needs. she thinks I can. I have had numerous problems with pornography of which I got out of. Unfortunately, porn is a cheap way out and causes depression, which I am aware of. I am a gym nut which helps with the lack of sex in my life. My wife and I have talked about sex numerous times and she always eludes to a later time when she can get treatment for Vaginismus. Mostly though she says its me. I am the mean one. I am in control of the lack of sex. It is my fault and I need to be nice. Add her lack of respect (scolding me for numerous things) and you have the present situation. I talked about counseling and she said any pastor would tell me I was wrong in many things. As of yet we have not been to counseling. Besides, she assumes counseling would be to fix me. Right now half our kids and both of us are sick. The hardships of life give her an extra excuse to not have sex with me or to do anything sexually exciting. Boredom in the bedroom continues and she would rather check on her Christian friends on Facebook than to work on us. It would be bad if we were rich…
@Jeff: It is possible to do EVERYTHING right and STILL lose. My problem was connecting with my wife in a was she naturally understands (best advice for that: Look through the fabulous blog and read the FEMALE perspective, understand what they want and how they expect it to be communicated. Then DO IT). Do not pursue the sex avenue; it won’t get you anywhere. Don’t throw the Scriptures at your wife either, as it could do more damage to her faith than good.
Keep in mind the Gym only keeps you from getting the “shakes.” It will NEVER relieve the loneliness, feeling of rejection, betrayal, and worthlessness that intimate contact with your spouse does.
Remember that counseling fixes NO ONE. It provides solid guidance and a positive environment where people can FIX THEMSELVES. But only people who want to be fixed can benefit, JUST like the Scriptures.
I still stand by me first response. Humility goes a LOOONG way to solving problems. But so take her up on her offer: Go to your pastor. You might want to go first alone and explain in full, honest, candid detail. Then take your wife.
Bottom line: You are looking to change your marriage. She indicates she is not. You will have to take the lead. If she truly is a woman of Faith, you have a chance. A REAL good chance. If not, you will have to make due. I can point you in the right direction if you decide, but this is not quite the right forum. I started my own blog a few days ago to share how I dealt with (and still are, since this there are no “quick-fixes”) my problems. Keep in mind, it is still somewhat bare, being less than a week old, but I’m working on it. And I still refer to this and the many other excellent blogs, since each paints a different picture on this devastating issue.
Assuming your goal is to keep the marriage intact, I believe humility is the key for this particular situation. It will show her that you are trying to address your (real–yes, real–or perceived by her) problems.
Your in my prayers.
Thank you so much for the post, great info. Some of the following posts are so helpful in regarding my current situation. I do not mean to be judgemental of others but must say that I believe that we as men must be men first. We need to look within and see if we are providing the love and security our wives’ require. To receive the respect and love (and sex) from our wife, let’s be sure we are providing the security and affection our wive’s require. I provide my wife with security, a nice home, 2 awesome children, and honestly work my tail off for all of them. However, our sex life is almost non-existent, about once per year. I am not an alpha male but she is certainly an alpha female. Simply, she is just not an affectionate person, I discovered this shortly after our marriage. As most marriages do, we have had our share of ups and downs. My wife is very intelligent, sexy, and quite frankly, I married above my abilities. I am overweight and not very attractive. I just feel we are unmatched. We are however intellectually equivelent and are very good friends. Dont get me wrong, I love her as much as I have ever loved anyone. I am VERY attracted to her, its just not recriprocated. Specifically, she is attracted to an alpha male that is stoic and a fierce leader. That is just not me, I am affectionate, passive, and always think of others first, something I feel she does not respect. I do think she is a selfish person and rarely places my feelings or emotions before her own. I really don’t fault her as I don’t think she has the ability to empathize with my wants and needs. I’m not sure why I feel the need to share this other than I think that we as men must see things for what they are sometimes. I for one have made my bed and must now lie in it. My children’s needs are more important than my own. I know that she will never be affectionate and I will never be an alpha male. There are somethings we can change and other things we cannot. I can however make sure that my children are being raised by their mom and dad. I know what you may be thinking, that it’s just as important for them to be raised in a LOVING home. Funny thing is they are, I love my wife and know that she loves me, just not the romantic way I love her. I am pretty sure she has had at least 2 affairs, has even approached one of my good friends and was terminated from her employer for sexually harassing a male co-worker. So, yea, it’s pretty depressing and brutal at times, but here is the kicker. I still love her and want her, just don’t know what to do other than fundamentally change who I am.
@Jeffrey: She does not want to be with an Alpha male. She cannot dominate him. She just wants a piece of him for her belt. Jeffrey, women make the worst husbands. You are her security, you make it safe for her to go on the prowl. Bad news, you poor man. She is just like “those guys” women complain about, and you know the ones I mean. And therefore you know, if she has had the “balls” to approach one of your friends, which she *knew* would probably get back to you–that was sort of a “final” test for you, by the way–she knows she can play the alley-cat with impunity. And probably is.
I knew 25 of the about 80 partners my ex-wife serviced during our 16 -year disaster I was stupid enough to call a marriage. I posted about it here https://intimacyinmarriage.com/2015/04/08/the-sexiest-thing-you-can-do-for-your-husband/comment-page-1/#comment-272056 .
You know she does not love you. Stop fooling yourself. But you are right, though. You have made your bed. Problem is, someone *else* is laying down in it. If you choose to share your wife with others, please get tested for STDs on a regular basis since they can infect all your household, including your children. They deserve to be protected, and it is your job to do so.
Sorry if I am ranting. I have completely lost tolerance for unrepentant adulterers.
You are in my prayers.
Depression looms and I am stressed at rejection after rejection of job leads and resume posts. My wife has gotten even more sexually boring and lectured me recently; Last week she sat me down and told me I was mean and cruel and needed an attitude adjustment. Also asked if I loved her. [I was thinking, “does she love me?”] anyway the way it works is this; if she makes any request of me and I don’t jump to her command, I am mean, cruel and a sinner before God. AND no intimacy will ever happen while I am so mean. In bed last week, while I was slowly trying to stimulate her, she answered a Facebook text. Then began to tell me that I needed to get to bed earlier in order to begin an intimacy encounter more successfully. She then gave up.
So, I am giving up intimacy. I will fight no more forever. I will be unhappy, but at least I can predict it better. No job, no respect, no sex, no answered prayer, no success whatsoever. I am a pariah and a failure of a man…a girly man. A humiliated man…oh but its all in my hands to get more sex, right, I just become a better nicer pansy man and sex will happen… like the doctor appointment for more than a year that she has not pursued!
I will concentrate on getting that job…then I will disappear. Between work and gym I can be gone all day. I’ll appear at my daughters school to see her and my son, but my wife’s time will be NOT! (of course I have attempted to find work now for 5 years so whats another few months or years out of work…Walmart!!yeah!)
Things are the same. Still a house dad. Wish I could be the best at what I’m doing, but remember, I got kids all around including a downs teen. Messes get made in seconds. Then she walks in the door and starts cleaning up criticizing my work.
I have a question mostly for us guys on temptation; Does my wife consider the lack of sex as nothing? Does she expect me to just take it? (no sex) Just rely on my good Christian morals to avoid an affair or porn? really? Discussions on sex lead to one thing and one thing only; it is my fault. add older age (she is 51) and she claims lupus (non-diagnosed) After her comments on old age and lupus…the next day works in the garden all day and after refusing sex, again, spends all morning baking cookies for co-workers for some party event. Is my wife just trying to justify the fact that she knows she is; a gatekeeper, boring in bed, dislikes an unemployed husband in her bed? Any discussion on all this concludes, in her mind, that I am a mess and I am the problem. AND I should love her……..just because!
The best part is that she believes I can shut off my desire for sex with her at will!!
is this resonating with anyone? I really have never been this close to divorce. Counseling? $$$$$ and counseling would set me straight, not her!
The answers to most of those questions is “yes”. And as a Christian, there really isn’t much you can do about it, which I think you know.
When did the denying start? How did it start?
You also need to be patient. These issues are pretty much *never* a quick fix. It took me almost two years to even see the possibility of a light at the end of the tunnel. And it is *still* a long tunnel, as I posted on my site.
Hang in there and don’t give up. Rely on Jehovah to see you through.
I have been married 21 years. The first 15 years were great. We had bumps, sure, but overall it was good. I gave myself to my husband willingly and often and would frequently tell my friends that I knew that he was faithful to me because I didn’t give him a reason to have to cheat. In 2008 he told me that within the first 12 years of our marriage he had had numerous affairs. Some were one night stands, some were ‘relationships’ that went on for a year or more. That day something inside of me turned off. We have 4 kids together. I’m a stay at home mom. I stayed because of them. We don’t fight, we get along pretty good, actually except in the bedroom. For the last 5 years I’ve been trying to be a good Christian wife and submit, put his needs before mine, yield so he wouldn’t be tempted to sin, etc., but it’s just getting worse. Most of the time I just lay there and try not to cry. Sometimes I do cry, but it doesn’t stop him. I just get yelled at afterwards about how I need to forgive and forget, or WHY can’t I enjoy it, or its all good because we’re married, or he has NEEDS. The last thing he said to me about sex was “I’ve got a hotel room for Saturday night. If you perform the way I want you to, I won’t bug you for sex for two months.” Really?
We are 61 and have married for 39 years, my wife and I havn’t had sex in nearly 12 years, she had no interest and pushes me away when I try to start anything.
Hi Jeff.
First of all I want to say that you are a real man for not giving into temptations. Porn or affair will not make it better for you and will kill your chances of improving your situation. I can’t tell you what to do to fix your problem, but for a woman to desire you sexually, she needs emotional intimacy (unless she has a mental health condition, but it doesn’t seem like it). Basically, she needs to feel that she is the most beautiful (smart, interesting, important…) woman to you in the whole world and that you love her and care about her without expecting sex in return (because if you expect sex in return, you’re really loving yourself). If you manage to make her feel that your love is unconditional, you’ll be surprised! You’re the only one who knows what to do to make her feel that way. She is asking you if you love her, so she also has an unmet need: reassurance. Give it to her. Trust me, if you genuinely love her, it won’t be hard, just let your resentment go. I’m not saying that you’re wrong and she’s right, but you can’t change her, you can only change you and your behaviour. One of you has to break this downward spiral. Take charge, lovingly! Be confident, you know who you are, you know what you want! Most people don’t. Here are two articles both of you can read and reflect on:
http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/59
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/contemplating-divorce/200910/five-needs-every-marriage-has
Good luck!
Dear daisy67, I’m shocked by your story. Please seek help with a counsellor, priest or pastor. You are married to a narcissist and he is sexually abusing you. After his multiple adulteries, you as a Christian are free from your marital duties. He realised that you’re not going to leave him and that you will submit sexually to prevent future affairs. Trust me, he never stopped cheating, he has no reason to: no guilt, no consequences! He is using FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) to get his way. Forgive and Forget is the favorite abusive tactic of a narcissist. Please read on Narcissism, there are different types of narcissist, but they all have one thing in common: lack of empathy! Keep in mind, once you stop playing the game by his rules, the abuse (emotional, psychological, verbal and even physical) will escalate. Please educate yourself and get help!
Julie:
What very sad reading this all is! When you realize that this is just the tip of the iceberg and could be multiplied by the thousands, it is clear that there are a LOT of deeply hurting people out there.
These stories are all so different, it is difficult and unwise to make too many generalizations. However, a few observations seem pretty clear:
1) It is a pretty safe bet that in most of these cases, the intimacy fail was preceded long before by a communication fail. We all hear over and over again about how important communication is in marriage, but we hear it for a reason: it is true. If there is a failure in communication, it should be no surprise if failures in other areas follow, sometimes ending in an overall failure of the marriage.
2) This also suggests to me that if there is to be any hope for these couples, then it needs to begin with where the problem first started – with their communication. Unless and until they can begin to work on real communication, these hurting people have little real prospect of anything to look forward to but continued hurting. Unless the communication changes, nothing else is likely to change.
3) Some of the women claimed that there were various valid physical, psychological, or other reason why sex was no longer possible or desired by them. I can’t evaluate those claims, but none of those can possibly constitute a valid impediment to communication. There simply is no excuse or good reason for a spouse to refuse to make a serious, good faith effort to work on their communication with their spouse. It is impossible to know what is really going on with all of the relationships that are the subjects of the above posts, but one does get the impression that there is not just a refusal to be open to sexual intimacy, but also a refusal to try to really communicate. This is a serious problem. I would go so far as to suggest that it not be simply be put up with for years on end by a suffering spouse. For those who are suffering through this, may I suggest that they care enough and be brave enough to confront? A confrontation might be risky, to be sure. However, that risk must be weighed against the uncertainty of a bleak future if no action is taken.
4) One more comment, and I am going to try to be delicate here. Maybe I am reading something between the lines that isn’t always there, but I get the impression that for many of these couples, the assumption is that sex=intercourse, and that no other options are considered or even possible. Even if one spouse is experiencing actual problems that make intercourse difficult or painful, that need not imply that all intimacy needs to be shut down completely. The couple can still be physically and emotionally close, and they can still find ways to meet each others physical needs and to give each other pleasure. All it takes is communication – and there we are again, back to the main issue.
Julie,
I had no close relationship with my mom or anyone else growing up. I became sexually active to feel loved in my teen years. Of course, this never lead to real love, only to me letting myself be used.
I met a wonderful man in college. We were friends first and after we married had an active sex life.
Two kids later. I have a chronic illness that leaves me extremely fatigued, in pain and have a lot of difficulty getting thru each day. It’s like waking up to the flu everyday. Husband has never tried to understand. He doesn’t like to talk about me being sick. Hes tired of hearing about it. So I don’t talk to him anymore about my illness even though, it affects me daily. Obviously this has had a severe effect on our sex life. I’m not feeling up to it like I used to. It saddens me that I’m not the same as before. What makes it worse is having no one to talk to about it.
My husband has turned to porn to get his needs met. As a Chrisrian woman this hurts me deeply, but I blame myself for him turning to porn. I wish I wasn’t sick. I wish my life was back to the way it was before. As it is now, I have very little hope for future
This is a wonderful page. Here is my story:
I’ve been happily married to a pretty and intelligent woman for over 3yrs now, blessed with 2 wonderful boys (2yrs+ and 2months respectively). Eversince my wife got pregnant of our second son, our once exciting and fun-filled sex life has taken a nose-dive. During the pregnancy we only met 3times unlike the first pregnancy. Even after delivery that I thought things will be back to normal, it’s only deteriorating. Its been over 5months (in pregnancy and post pregnancy) since I got intimate with my wife. Several excuses from being tired to not being in mood etc. Each time I talk to her about it she just raised my hope and later disappoint again.I’ve stopped staying on the same bed with her because I Don’t want to be tempted to make another futile move.I love her and don’t want to break our marriage vow. But I’m being “starved”.I pray I don’t seek to be “fed” outside of what I’m been starved inside.
About three months or so ago I did not know a blog such as this existed. I now read five of them. Julie’s blog just seems to “hit home” more because of her willingness to talk rather than skirt the real issues. I find myself wondering how long a male can go ( and some females) without sex before you lose you physical and psychological desire for sex. The alleged sex experts say “use it or lose it.” I think we will all LOSE IT when we allow our lives to be without ulimate romantic love and intimacy brought out through sexual love. I have gone so long now that I WONDER if I can even perform? Women can hate it and still perform virtually dead sex by just lying there and using lubrication. But THAT is only physical—-they are psychologically and emotionally dead. And then the REAL QUESTION—where is LOVE, oh where??? It is gone. You have become partners, just roommates. Your best friend who could make you laugh while sitting on you is gone in spirit. Sooner or later porn will arrive. Sometimes NOT for the reason you think? The husband will question if ANYTHING can make him work anymore. The unsatisfied wife will buy a silver bullet or a rabbit………and all that wonderful, passionate, God given romantic joy will disappear into just what The Dark Side wants—extramarital affairs. And if you think you had ever suffered spiritually, physically or emotionally before….you haven’t. The affairs will be pure torture. Happy days and deep black nights and tears and agony. Your children will be crushed. Why do THIS have to be the Majority Problem??? The is a lifetime unhappy marriage or divorce……..all because one party lied or shaded the truth. You are in violation of God’s word. Either commit to change or release your partner from what has become an unChristian marriage.
My husband and I haven’t had sex for 8 years. I’m a Christian too, but I’m tired…I don’t think I can live like this any longer. I wanted children, but with the little sex we had it just was never possible. I used to ask my husband for sex, but it only made him feel worse so I gave up trying to discuss the topic years ago. I’m at the end of my rope. I need a sexual relationship and want to feel desired again. I can’t believe that God would want anyone to suffer like this. I feel frustrated and cheated. Probably won’t be able to stay in this situation much longer.
Lisa, you SHOULD feel frustrated and cheated. That is exactly what happens—regularly, unfortunately. Many other women and men know how you feel. It seems when people date you they put “their best foot forward” leading you down the primrose path. The older I get I am starting to “rethink ” the idea of NO SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE. I am not the only Christian who has said that lately. Don’t be a martyr for Christian sex. Your husband needs to show up in your relationship. These situations unerringly seem to lead to flirting, texting, emailing, masturbation, visual images, erotic reads and unfortunately affairs. Then the party who was fooled and wronged becomes the party under attack for an affair—an affair based on the very human desire to be wanted, needed, held, hugged and loved spiritually, mentally and physically as God made it to be. God does not wish you to be a martyr.
And, what is the sex-starved husband??? I have male friends who are perfectly happy with sex once or twice a month. That means sexual intimacy has been reduced to 24 times a YEAR!!! I would truly stay angry and feeling unloved all year every year and I would probably leave. My testosterone is extremely high and I am not young. It is nothing new. I was born that way–God MADE ME THAT WAY. It is not cool. It is a curse in the average Christian family. My wife could easily have sex every two- three weeks to once or twice a year.,she is a good kind sweet wife without a sex drive. Worse than that she is beautiful and sexy which only makes it worse. I could never hurt her emotionally because she is just a fine person. She tells she just does not have my sex drive and she knows I an disappointed. I have asked, ALMOST begging ( couldn’t really do it), been a good dad, been a good granddad ( I had read that THAT really set them on fire). All it did was make me a popular Dad and grand dad. It did ZERO for my love life. She has no interest in sex. I feel embarrassed every dad and hurt and esmasculated. Mastubation is just a release—–it is not God’s plan for sexual intimacy in your marriage. I am trapped.
I read many of these fascinating comments and hope that the suggestions given by many will help. One chord that strikes me is that many women want to be “desired” or “ravished” and I think that translates into a certain amount of male initiated “aggression”. NO I am not referring to high level kink – BUT – a degree of such conduct. The enormous popularity among women of the 50 Shades of Grey book and the overwhelming amount of female “thumbs up” comments like “I wish my husband was more like that guy” does say something. Women do want to be treated a bit (notice I say a bit) roughly. The problem is that many middle aged folks were raised and came of age in a very PC environment 1970s – onward – of not being too “violent” in the bedroom but years of experience and friends whose wives cheated on them showed me that a large majority of females (I dare say almost all) do want their hubbies to pin them down, grab their hair, slap them a bit on the rear or to tie them up a bit, etc. It sounds counter-intuitive to a guy but there is something to it. Again, I do not mean real violence or any pain but some sort of “force”. IMO you can further see this is correct because many of the affairs that wives have are with men who do those things. I had a friend who arrived home early from work one day and found his wife being roughed up and thoroughly into it. He was shocked that the his “nice quiet wife” would do those “nasty” things. So my suggestion is that husbands do not “ask nicely” for a romp – just initiate and be aggressive – if she says no drop it (obviously do not force her without her consent) and do not under any circumstances beg her or get angry. The point is for a minute or 2 show her you are the man you decided to take her. Dont just try it for 20 seconds give it a minute or two she may very well be turned on right away. Or, if she was turned on somewhat from your aggression she may return to you either that day or shortly thereafter. If not, then you have lost nothing by trying. Again, I emphasize, if she says “no” drop it and do not return to trying do not be seen as “needing it” more than her. All normal women want sex as much as a male, the ones that do not need fixing it is not you. NEVER beg a woman or ask her for sex this will have the opposite effect on her.
There’s something to what “Mister” is saying. Christian guys have been taught that you should never impose yourself on your wife, always ask permission first, slow and gentle lovemaking is what they want, etc. Subsequently, women find themselves quickly bored their their husbands due to such a milquetoast approach. Most women – even those raised as “good girls” – want the bad boy, even if they won’t admit it.
After a few years of being “nice” in bed (and finding sexytime becoming less and less frequent), I find out that my sweet, caring, bashful-in-bed Christian bride *likes* it when I let the barbarian out. When I take what I want, as opposed to politely asking, she purrs like a kitten afterward.
For example, dirty talk isn’t something I’ve ever really done… I’m typically pretty quiet when we’re doing the deed, and I keep my cursing to a minimum in our day to day lives. But for whatever reason I was really revved up a couple of weeks ago, and told her exactly what I liked doing to her as I was doing it to her in very explicit terms. A great time was had by all, and we were both floating on cloud 9 for the next couple of days.
Now, lest anyone misunderstand, if at any point my wife says “no” or “stop,” I stop and reassess. Releasing the caveman does not give you carte blanche to run roughshod over your wife’s needs or desires.
Rico’s balanced approach is correct. The key is to dominate and be aggressive but not to the point of being “rapey”. Women are emotional/hormonal etc and sometimes she just doesnt want to. That’s fine leave her alone and try again a different time.
I would add that a lot depends on whether she perceives you as a “winner” or not.
Example: some guy, non athletic, pulls up in a civic rolls down the window and calls a female or winks at her she will run or tell her friends about the “creep” who is after her. Maybe calls the police.
Compare that with a muscular guy in a convertible or BMW doing the same, she will be turned on and will tell her friends about the “hot” guy and all her friends will encourage her to “go for it.”
Same in hubby-wife relationships. If you are viewed as a “winner” (athletic, or job wise or handsome) she will not only accept this aggressive conduct she will crave it. If she thinks you are the “king” she will want you to abuse her somewhat in bed (ie rough her up with words, hair pulling, etc). But if she views you as a “looser” she will find the conduct repulsive to her.