marriage problems, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual sin, Uncategorized
Giving My Body to My Wife — One Husband’s Story
Oct
Not long ago, I asked for readers’ stories with regard to struggles in sexual intimacy and how couples have found a path to healing.
Today’s story comes from a reader named Bob. I appreciate his vulnerability and transparency.
It takes courage to share so openly. With that in mind, please read with a compassionate heart. Possibly you’ll see glimpses of your own marriage in his story.
(Be sure to read all the way through, as Bob shares a powerful declaration he sent to his wife).
My wife and I grew up in Christian homes with Christian parents and went to church our whole lives. I was born-again at the age of five and my wife was born-again at the age of four.
I don’t remember ever actually hearing the following things directly or specifically, so I must have picked up on them from attitudes I was around when I was a kid:
I remember believing from an early age that girls didn’t like sex, that masturbation was a sin, and sex was only for married people. One of out three, in this case, was VERY bad.
Being a growing boy with active hormones, I got into masturbation very early in my pubescent life. I was very sheltered and introverted, so I didn’t know much about sex other than it felt good to have orgasms.
I felt ashamed when I did it and I believe that actually led to an eventual downward spiral of getting into pornography and other sexual addictions. I had very little in the way of useful, scriptural information related to sex other than “don’t do it until you’re married.”
My masturbation habit, and eventually my porn habit, continued even after I got married, even though I thought they would magically go away once I was married.
Several years into marriage, my wife found out about both habits and felt, understandably, betrayed.
I would always feel horrible after I would complete a cycle of the habit, but would eventually get over that feeling and be drawn back into it and do it all over again, believing the lie over and over and feeling trapped. I would pray and ask forgiveness for my actions, knowing that God would forgive. I would ask Him to take it from me, to help me stop, but it didn’t happen.
I became very good at hiding my secret.
We continued to have a good sex life, but because of the betrayal my wife felt, it had a negative influence on our marriage bed. If I would bring up new things to try or do, they would get shot down, because she would fear that it was something I saw in pornography and wanted to emulate it. She understandably felt that she could never measure up to that, so she shied away from anything other than what we already did.
This caused me (self-inflicted) pain, but I didn’t know any better at the time so I would go back to what I knew — the lie and deception.
The whole time I was going through this cycle, my wife was unaware mostly (except for the times I was caught and confessed), but I know she knew something was wrong in our sexual life.
She would say to me that she “knows” she doesn’t satisfy me sexually and had said that she thought she was “broken” because of that.
Due to my fear of really opening up to my wife and telling her all that was going on (based, in part, on her reactions when I had been caught and mostly on the deception I was believing), we just kept going in this cycle.
God, however, is infinitely merciful and gracious.
During those cycles I would go through, I would always pray and ask forgiveness and for help. I was genuinely wanting out but I felt trapped.
God helped me learn what I truly needed, although it took me years to learn what He was showing me.
Many times I would ask him what the root of the pull was for me, because I knew that what I was doing wasn’t my problem, it was my illegitimate answer to a legitimate need in my life.
I just didn’t have the faith to allow God to have it met correctly and I had messed around with this other stuff so long I was unable to see anything clearly in this area.
I finally completely submitted every area of my life to God starting about two years ago.
It’s been an intensive time of mind renewal and learning about what God really has to say about my life in His word and about sex.
Thanks in no small part to this blog (your blog Julie!) and christiannymphos.org, I really got a revelation about what was acceptable and even encouraged by God in the marriage bed.
Not to say I (and our marriage bed) didn’t still struggle during these past two years, but I knew I had the victory and could see light at the end of the tunnel for myself and for my marriage.
So, recently I mustered up the courage to truly open up to my wife about my masturbation. While I knew it wasn’t a sin, not telling her it was going on was not good.
I would masturbate because I have a higher drive than she does. I’ve been away from home on an eight-month contract (five months in) and I finally told her what she pretty much already knew, but it was the elephant in the room.
Ever since then we have entered into a new place where we have the beginnings of an open dialogue and a freedom and safety in that communication.
The finishing touch that has really transformed me was reading about giving my body as a gift to my wife according to the scripture in I Cor 7:4. I read about that in the book Intimacy Ignited and it struck a chord in me.
The very next morning God woke me up and had me compose an email to my wife detailing the important parts of my body and how I gave them all over to her. When I did that it was like God flipped a switch in me.
I began to see everything differently.
Things that used to have a draw to me no longer had that draw. It was like I had on a fiery-dart proof suit where sexual temptation was concerned. Obeying God’s Word has it’s rewards!
Here is what I sent to my wife:
I present to you your wedding gift from me. Something I should have given a long time ago and never taken back. My whole body is yours for you to have authority over and do with as it pleases you.
I give you my eyes that they may forevermore look longingly at you and you only,
that they may be forever captivated by your beauty and feminine charms,
that they may always be on the lookout for dangers to protect you from,
that they may be watchful over our children to keep them safe and loved as well.
I give you my ears that they may always hear the true meaning of what you are saying,
that they will intently listen to our children as they excitedly share their day and what they’ve learned,
that they will be open to hear things that are not right and quickly send the rest of my body to correct,
that they will quickly shut when the words of another try to draw me away,
that they will be a source of comfort, hearing all that you have to say with understanding and trust.
I give you my nose that it may be filled with the sweet fragrance that is uniquely you,
that it may love and recognize and be captivated by your unique scent alone,
that it may despise the scent of other women who may try to gain its attention.
I give you my lips that they may speak those special words of love to you and you only,
that they may only ever let pass words of encouragement, words in due season,
that they may say to you what you need to hear when you need to hear it,
that they may say to you what you want to hear when you want to hear it,
that they may forever only be yearning to touch your lips, to feel their sweet softness pressed against,
that they may bring you all the pleasures you desire,
that they may speak the word of God with boldness as the priest of our home, providing shelter and cover over all.
I give you my shoulders and chest to be a rock on which you can depend,
that they may be there to lean on and cry against,
that they may be there to provide strength and rest,
that they may be a shield against those who would try to shake you,
that they would offer comfort, peace, and security to you and our babies.
I give you my arms to be your strength,
that they may hold you tight when things are unsure,
that they may push back against all that tries to press against,
that they may hold you up when you feel you can’t go on,
that they may bring you love with a warm embrace whenever you may desire it,
that they may be a circling shield around our family to keep us all safe and warm and loved.
I give you my hands…hands which are anointed by God for your use,
that they may always seek to bring you relaxation and peace,
that they may always have a tender touch, strong and firm but gentle and loving,
that they may bring you many hours of pleasure…doing whatever you may desire of them,
that they may build our home to be a sanctuary of peace and harmony,
that they may stain decks and repair door knobs and keep the grass at bay,
that they may keep the cars clean and the dishes done and the table clear,
that they may minister love and peace to our children, giving them hope and filling them with confidence
that they may ever be at your command, waiting to fulfill your every wish.
I give you my tummy, one that will only ever contain butterflies for you,
that it may flip and flop and be forever filled with desire for you, yearning always to be close to you only,
that it may continue to bring you warmth and comfort and pleasure,
that out of it will flow the rivers of living water that will give refreshment to you first, and then our children and those to whom I minister.
I give you my penis for your exclusive use,
that it will always be kept for you and you only,
that it will always be ready for you to give you the soul connection you desire with me,
that it will lead the charge of the waves of pleasure that ever stand ready to wash over you in the years to come,
that it will wait patiently for your attention, and attention from another or myself it will never receive again,
that it will always bring you comfort and rest, pleasure and satisfaction, connection with me and warmth from being spent by you alone.
I give you my legs that they may lead the way for our family,
that they will stand strong and tall, ready to run to you when you call,
that they will show the way to go and our children will follow and be blessed,
that they will shake with pleasure from your touch alone,
that they will be a place of comfort where you and our children may sit and feel love and acceptance.
I give you my feet that they may carry your gift with honor and privilege,
that they may be swift to always find their way to the place where you need and want them most,
that they may be strong and tireless to press forward and give my whole body in service to you,
that they may be a firm foundation so my body may be a living sacrifice to God and be kept and desired by you.
My body is yours alone, you have the authority over it and I give it to you now, irrevocably under your command until death do we part. (I Cor 7:4)
I thank Bob for his willingness to share his story. If you have a story to share, don’t hesitate to contact me.
And if you think Bob’s story will resonate with others, please share this post through email and social networks. Let us never give up encouraging one another.
Copyright 2011.
Thanks so much to Bob for sharing his story. Confessing sexual sin to your spouse has got to be one of the hardest things to do. But bringing everything into the light and asking for God’s guidance and glory to come in can bring healing and health to a marriage.
Bob, great email to your wife. I might borrow the idea and write one to my own – it is a very loving way to share your heart with her. I do have one question – I am pretty confident in saying that masturbation isn’t covered in the bible and as such I’m confused as to why so many people are against it. While pornography is definitely not productive to a marriage, I don’t see solo time as a problem as long as it isn’t interfering with intimacy.
Thank you, Bob, for sharing such an intimate story and love letter with us. God is so good.
Thanks to you guys for your kind words. I appreciate them all.
Zap, to answer your question, I currently believe that masturbation is perfectly fine (I mentioned that in my story). My problem was two-fold. One, when I was growing up I believed it was a sin and, since I wasn’t fully convinced in my heart that it was okay, to me it was sin. It wasn’t until later that I came to the realization that it was not sinful…however, doing it without my wife knowing about it was selfish and wrong in my opinion (I didn’t give her the right of “first refusal” so to speak). Also having it coupled with porn was a bad because the porn was sinful even if the masturbation was not.
The reason so many people are against it is due to religious traditional beliefs that “sex is bad” in general terms so anything sexual must be sinful. This is the type of wrong information I grew up with and why, I believe, I fell prey so easily to sexual temptation. Being now armed with way more scripturally-sound information about sex I can easily see right through the empty, bogus lies that sexual temptation tries to pawn-off as exciting and fulfilling.
This is very mature of you and such a inspiring blog to read!!! I’m not married but this is great insight into potential marriage issues. I’m learning frm you and you wife!
Bob, this is an amazing testomony! Thank you for sharing how God has worked through you and your wife. It always humbles and amazes me to see how God can create such beauty from our mess and ashes. Blessings to you and your wife as you follow God’s leading on your marriage! Again, thanks for sharing!
Thank you, Louise and Kate, for your kind words. God is so faithful and wise, He really can turn anything to be good for those who love Him. Obeying Him is always the best course of action.
Blessings to you all!
i recently found out that my husband cheated on me and the LORD used your email to your wife to minister to me thanks for sharing.
Wow Meagon…I’m truly humbled knowing that it helped you. Glory to God! He authored that email through me so it’s His words with my expression.
Thanks for letting me know!
Bob
Heya, bob thanks a lot lot for this incredible piece of literature that truly depicts a indefinite love and important aspects of relationships. I am a 20 year old guy who often indulges in writing piece of writings and letters to my lady love. This writing is truely an inspiration on the ways one can open up their love in an unusal way. I truely enjoyed it and values each and every word written. Thanks buddy. Keep on with such wonderful things. May you lead and live a wonderful married life.
Hello, Mr. Bob. I read your story and just couldn’t go without a word of thanks. I am not even Christian, but I believe in God and strive to keep on His path, and I appreciate all who do so.
I am not yet married, but the man I am madly in love with has had a past of sexual addictions – actual sex with multiple partners as well as masturbation and porn. He appeared to be ashamed and willing to be out of it, and I was more than ready to help him out after marriage. But his past addictions seem to get the better of him again and I stand helpless and lost. I cannot go on with him because he wants to lead me to the path of sin, and I do not have the heart to leave him though that is why I have finally resolved to do, in the hope that God will help me out of everything just because I am doing it for His sake. I have had to recently break up with him, with a resolve to never contact him, because anything from me seems to drag him back to his addictions, and he seeks their satisfaction from me now, which I dare not do for fear of disobeying God.
I appreciate the way you got out of your problems with the help of God; because though it is He that helps, I think it is not possible without a strong faith in Him on our part – that He absolutely CAN help us out of everything, if only we try and trust in His help! I admire you for your strong faith and I am sure he, too, could be out of everything if only he had this faith.
I am sorry for the very long comment. I thank you again for your story, and I wish I could share it with him somehow. I know it would help him much. Thanks once again!
What a wonderful story,I’ve got to thank God and you bob for that.
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Very nice notion. This should be the attitude of every husband.
Hi BOB the letter to your wife is simply awesome..it just made me speechless and left my eyes watered…!!! Thanks for sharing the email
Once, several years ago, I had a face to face discussion with my wife that went similarly. I had no infidelity issues but we had been drifting apart for years and had a huge argument. I had been taking care of my own needs since the very beginning of our marriage and finally opened up about my heartache and depression over our near celibacy. In the end, I expressed my devotion to her and told her that I wanted to save all my sexual energy for her. I gave up masturbating and we started our intimate life that had never existed even when we were newlyweds. After about two weeks things slipped back to the way they used to be though. She has just never been interested in sex. She didn’t want the physical intimacy and eventually encouraged me to just handle my own needs so she didn’t have to deal with it. The gift of my intimate life was just something that she didn’t want. I’m available to her anytime she is in the mood but that is rare and always an emotionless, purely physical encounter to satisfy her urge. The rest of the time, I have to take care of my own urges. I have a roommate and financial partner but only a wife on paper.