sexual intimacy struggles
The Best Resources in Overcoming Porn Addiction? Please Tell Me What They Are
Oct
Hey my faithful readers and followers, I need your help.
Occasionally I get asked for recommended resources on dealing with serious issues that are sabotaging intimacy in marriages.
While I read a lot of resources, I am pleasantly astounded by the sheer number of resources I just can’t get to (or don’t know about… yet!)
So that’s where you come in.
Pornography has damaged so many marriages. And the faith community is certainly not immune to this fall-out, as there have been countless Christian marriages impacted as well.
It’s not just a “worldly” issue.
It’s affecting the church.
It’s affecting the body of believers.
And I’d be willing to bet, it is affecting some of your Christian brothers and sisters who you do life with on a regular basis.
So, please… tell me what resources you would recommend that help people overcome pornography addiction, heal their marriage that has been damaged by porn, build accountability for those who are struggling to walk pure, and so forth.
Resources could be books, websites, support groups, DVD series, programs and so forth.
I would prefer we stick with Christ-centered resources, but don’t hold back on mentioning other resources that you respect, even if they don’t approach from a faith angle.
Okay?
Ready.
Set.
Go.
Write the resources you recommend in the comment section (I have to approve all my comments, but once we get on a roll with this, we’ll have a whole list of great resources).
THANK YOU. You guys rock. Really. I mean that!
Settingcaptivesfree.com worked for me.
http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com/
While Setting Captives Free is an oft used resource, I find that it fails somewhat in application. The information is all good, however, it lacks a real life component. In my opinion (Just opinion here) that furthers the “virtuality” and “fantasy” of the pornography world to begin with.
I am in a support group for Wives of Sex Addicts, and I have found this an invaluable resource. The group is run with material by Doug Weiss, the leading therapist in the US on the subject. His material is also used to run groups for Sex Addicts and from what I have heard they are also very effective.
The biggest issue in finding a good group like this is making sure it’s run by a counselor. I have found from PERSONAL experience that the impact varies HUGELY if it is actually run by a qualified professional in the field. I honestly have learned more in the group I am in, run by a qualified therapist, than I learned in my previous group (not run by one) and than I have learned through reading materials and such. It involves more commitment and mindset change, and it has changed me for the better. From those I know with husbands in corresponding groups, they say the same for their husbands.
sexualsanity.com
porntopurity.com
eleeoministries (eleeo.org)
faithfulandtrueministries.com
While I will not doubt that there are some men that are “cured” of a porn problem where viewing porn is still an option in their lives, I expect that God will not bless the majority of men in that way. The Bible does not instruct us to fight sexual temptation, from which I infer that it is a fight we likely will not win. Instead we are commanded to flee.
I used Covenant Eyes for a while, with only limited success. I had the Mac version, which wouldn’t filter anything out but only record what I saw for my accountability partner to see. So instead of helping me, it just turned the problem into me trying to figure out what I could get away with; it became an internal struggle of which was worse; going without the porn of explaining it to my accountability partner.
I eventually ditched it for K9, a real filter. All of a sudden, internet porn was no longer available. And I saw immediate improvements. With porn just not being available, I quickly found myself not thinking about it so much, to not really thinking about it at all. If it does come to mind, I know that it is not available and my mind quickly moves on.
I struggled with porn for over 10 years. Even at my worst, I knew it was wrong and desparately wanted it out of my life. No matter how hard I tried to fight it (Covenant Eyes or other methods), I found myself losing the fight, which was just as demoralizing to me as I’m sure the porn was to my wife.
Only when I abandoned the fight and obeyed the Biblical command to flee did I find the temptation going away; for many years I prayed to God to remove this temptation, never realzing that God was just waiting for me to obey his simple instruction and that temptation would be gone.
Sure, I still struggle in other areas (I serve in the preschool with mostly women at my church and I’ve asked the director on multiple occasions to remind women to leave the wide open tops and cleavage at home); Most men are visual and as long as we’re in the world, that temptation will be there. But when I obey and flee from it I find relive and blessing.
I really like, and have a good friend who’s marriage was saved by Harry Schaumburg’s ministry.
http://www.stonegateresources.org/
I should add why I like Schaumburg. I like how he address’ men and women. And how you can’t have sexual maturity without spiritual maturity. And you can’t have spiritual maturity without sexuality maturity.
He doesn’t just address half of the equation.
New Life Live with Steve Arterburn (www.newlife.com). They do the EveryMan’s Battle workshops and have a lot of good things for this area of struggle.
Our website is a partnership with SCF, and we provide all our resources in Spanish. The URL is http://libresencristo.org
We also have a blog, http://blog.libresencristo.org
It makes sense to me that the single best resource would be having a wife who really enjoys sex. If a husband knows he is going to be having fantastic sex several times a week why would he need to look elsewhere?
Thank you everyone for the great resources. I’ll do a follow up post soon that lists them all.
SexStarvedHsbnd… I agree that in general if a couple has a healthy mutually-valued sex life, neither party really has reason to look elsewhere or wander. Sadly, though, I do hear from wives who are very sexually available to their husbands, but their husbands are still addicted to porn. That’s the problem with addiction… enough really is never enough.
But I do hear what you are saying. If spouses are paying close attention to their sexual intimacy, it gives added strength and protection to their oneness. We are told in the Word that sex does help ward off temptation, and for many couples, it does indeed do this.
We really like http://www.bebroken.com . They have been going for a number of years, and they have a great balanced view on this issue. They deal with the causes, and the things that keep men (and women, they deal with women too) enslaved. Their book on shame is great.
Speaking of women and porn, http://dirtygirlsministries.com/ is great. Porn use is a growing problem for women, and this group can help.
“Every Man’s Battle” by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker
The only thing I would add to this great book is an emphasis on husbands being fully accountable TO THEIR WIVES. I think that if many husbands with this problem would turn to their wives for accountability and prayer, they would see victory much sooner.
Porn use was an early issue in my relationship and now engagement. I have no doubt he still uses, as we don’t live together and our work schedules keep us apart a lot. He is just not as blatant about it.
It is hard to battle the pundits and people in your life who think men who use porn aren’t always sex addicts. I can’t say I believe they are either. However, with people like Dennis Prager, who is a devout Jew, telling women it’s no reflection on his feelings for you, blah blah blah, how does a woman muster the interest alone to want to have sex with her husband?
I am no prude and am very grateful to have found this site and community. I just wish there was an outlet for people who aren’t sex or porn addicts to see the effects and damage this material does without labeling them deviant. That turns people off and the partner is still stuck.
I feel discouraged and have just come to the conclusion, “It is what it is.” Either I accept what is, or I leave. Still deciding…
Thank you all!
I can’t believe no one has mentioned “Striving for Absolute Purity” by ProvenMen.org. It’s a free study (pdf of workbook and leader’s guide). It’s all we use at my church.
An Affair of the Mind by Laurie Hall
I recommend all the literature of Sexaholics Anonymous especially the White Book. http://SA.org. The definition of sexual sobriety in SA is: No sex with self or any person other than spouse; and progressive victory over lust. Christian men are finding sexual sobriety, true recovery and joy in SA. It’s non-denominational but very faith based. It saved my life and my marriage.