sexual intimacy, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
5 Reasons I Like Sex: Confessions From a Christian Wife
Well, there are a lot more than 5 reasons, but its debatable how much you really want to know about me, so I’ll hold off at 5.
As a Christian wife, I do like sex. To some of you reading this, such a proclamation makes me either an annoying freak or a bewildering mystery.
Can you hear the theologians murmuring… “Hmmm… We were busy studying discipleship when we stumbled across something that rarely is found in its natural habitat. A Christian wife. Who likes sex. Fascinating.”
So, just in case you were wondering, here are 5 reasons I like sex…
1. It tells Satan to get his hands off my marriage.
When I hear about couples who are having little or no sex, I get a wee bit jittery. I mean, not in an obvious way, but I think to myself, “That’s a sure fire way to pin a target on your marriage.”
The Enemy is indeed “prowling around looking for someone to devour.” From where Satan is standing, a marriage where one or both spouses is indifferent about sex makes for a scrumptious snack. I’m telling you, he looks for weak targets.
I’m not saying nurtured sexual intimacy is the only ingredient to a strong marriage. I won’t even go so far as to say it is the cornerstone (Jesus gets that real estate).
I know full well, though, that there is something powerfully binding that happens when my husband and I make love. And frankly, it angers Satan — because deep down he knows that a marriage where sex is treasured and protected is a force to be reckoned with. He has a more difficult task on his hands when he goes up against a couple that savors being one with each other.
“Get your hands off my marriage Satan. This is a closed-door meeting, and you were not invited.”
2. It shows my kids that sex matters.
Now don’t go calling child protective services. We aren’t having sex in front of our kids. But make no mistake… they know that sex matters in our marriage.
We are discreet with our sexual intimacy, but not so much with our appropriate affection in front of our kids. Our marriage has territory to it that defines us separate from who we are as parents — and our kids need to know this.
Sadly, so many Christian women have spoken only negatively about sex with the children in their lives, particularly their daughters and nieces.
And you know what happened next? Those daughters and nieces grew up to be wives — who believed and lived those false tapes as if they were truth. And then they perpetuated the cycle with their own daughters and nieces.
So what are we left with? A bunch of husbands who want to have sex and a bunch of wives who think it is disgusting and dirty — and to be avoided at all costs.
If this is your story, I implore you to break this generational epidemic and start reclaiming sexual ground. You owe it not only to your marriage, but also to your children as well — that they grow up with an accurate godly perspective on sexual intimacy.
3. It is physical re-affirmation of my wedding vows.
Honestly, my husband and I fight at times. We occasionally have found each other’s “one remaining nerve” and proceeded to traipse right across it. Marriage is hard — not “scooping manure all day” hard, but probably a close second at times. But I love this man. And he loves me.
Several years ago, we stood before God and the people who know us best and we chose a life together. When we make love, we are saying to each other once again, “I still choose you. No matter what, I still choose you.” There is something profound about that.
Is it the only way to say I still choose you? Well, heavens no. But it is significant enough that God saw the need to specifically tell married couples to do it often. Maybe He is on to something, seeing how He is God and all.
Yeah, you could re-affirm your vows with some big shindig, complete with another cake and your crazy uncle doing the Macarena.
…or you could just have lots of mind-blowing sex. You choose.
4. It’s free.
Okay, I admit it. I’m not quite the coupon queen one would imagine. Nor do I scour the ads for those “buy one, get one free” sales. Even so, I appreciate something that is incredibly entertaining and at the same time completely free. Sex is some of the best entertainment around. Game on.
5. It’s a great stress reliever.
Call me crazy, but I don’t think there is anything better to relieve stress than an orgasm with the man I love. Sure, I like a hot bath every now and then. Or even a massage if I’ve got the cash and time. And certainly more than a few overpriced lattes have gotten me through some particularly challenging moments.
But sex? Now there’s something clever the Creator came up with. I can’t quite put my finger on the why, but sex definitely improves my outlook if I’m feeling overwhelmed with life. Suffice to say, I need a lot of sex to get me through.
So there you have it… 5 Reasons I Like Sex. I’ve come clean. My story is out (and I didn’t even have to go to a confession booth or anything like that, thank God.)
How about you?! Tell me some reasons you like sex with your beloved. I don’t want to be privy to all the details, mind you.
But PLEASSEE…. won’t some other Christian wives champion this cause with me?! I know you’re out there. You just need to confess.
Copyright 2011, Julie Sibert, Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
well written as usual! I’m glad my wife likes sex just as much as I do, sometimes I have to beat her off with a stick, but not complaining, this is one of the ways she shows me that I’m stil desirable, that she loves me, great one Julie! always keeping it real
and how fitting this post comes through at night, just in time to inspire married couples
Well I love having sex with my husband because it makes me feel beautiful. To know that he still desires me after giving birth 5 times and the breastfeeding that followed…well I just feel gorgeous.
Great post! Like you said, there are many reasons why I like having sex with my husband. Nothing brings us as much mental intimacy. And it reminds me that I’m still smoking hot and so is he!
I couldnt agree more!! Sex is not only biblical and pleAsing to God… But if done rightand often enough it will help me loose this 5yr old baby weight from our 4 and 5 yr old boys!!(Lol! Just kidding) I feel a closeness to my husband that is beyond words when we make love and somehow, that is what I’m addicted to! He will stop at nothing to pleasure me as will I! He is my love and I am his!!! Let’s get it on, Big Daddy!! 🙂
I was a woman who hated sex. As time went on and I got over some issues , that changed. I love having sex with my husband. I enjoy orgasms and pleasing him. It took plenty of reading and learning about a better outlook on sex from other Christian women to help me. Now some days I’m on him more . I love being desired.
Great post!
Great post! I like sex with my husband because I enjoy serving him and i get pleasure from that. Also it makes me feel like the hottest woman on the planet because he desires me. Afterwards no matter what i look like i look and feel flawless! And lastly my husband pleases me sexually!
Hey ya’ll… thanks for the comments. We need to generate more discussions on this topic… need to start shining light into dark lonely places.
Be generous and retweet and share the post.
Be blessed… nurture your marriage as if it is one of the best ways to honor the Lord (because it is).
Number 1 is SO on point! This is the only place in the Word where it says that Satan can tempt you within the bounds of your marriage. Keeping the sexual relationship consistent is so important to keep Satan out of your marriage. Isn’t it wonderful that as married people, sex is one way in which we can give glory to our Lord.
I used to like sex a lot. Until my husband admitted that he finds me overweight and unattractive and doesn’t like seeing the marks that his five children have left on my body. I’ve got 20 extra pounds that no amount of healthy eating and exercise seems to fix. (I do both and have for years, in between pregnancies.) Even if I lost the extra weight, there’s nothing I can do about the stretch marks, saggy breasts, and cellulite.
Now I never refuse him when he wants sex, and I may respond physically and may even climax, but emotionally I feel ugly, sad, and disconnected. Afterward, I often cry quietly.
In other ways, he’s a very affectionate husband. He tells me often that he loves me, hugs and kisses me, texts me during the day, brings me small gifts, helps with housework…I smile and say thank you and try to dwell on all the positive things he does. But nothing can erase the hurt I feel at hearing him say that I am physically unattractive to him.
Help, please.
Annie, first of all… you are not the one who needs help. Your husband has an unrealistic and skewed expectation about what constitutes as beautiful. You are beautiful.
I am glad that he tells you he loves you, but a huge part of showing love is by being encouraging and supportive and affirming. It saddens me that he would be so shallow and insensitive to go so far as to say that he doesn’t like seeing the marks that his five children left on your body.
How ironic is it that indeed it is your husband who bears some of the responsibility for those marks. You didn’t create those babies on your own, yet you did all the physical work and sacrifice to bring them into this world. Certainly he doesn’t regret his children — the very children he helped create. How heartbreaking that he doesn’t see stretch marks as what they truly are — marks of a mother’s love and sacrifice.
I am wondering if your husband just doesn’t comprehend the depth of the pain he has caused. I really want to give him the benefit of the doubt (although I’m struggling to do so). Could you possibly write him a letter in a loving yet clear tone that shares the depth of your pain? I’m just curious if he had time to absorb this, what would his reaction be.
My heart goes out to you…
Pingback: Weekender Links 5-14-11 | MyOneResolution
Thank you Julie Sibert For encouraging Annie. Yes my heart goes out to her as well. Thank you for showing a different way of looking at the stretch marks that come on women after we have children. That they are marks of a mother love and sacrifice. Thanks also for 5 reasons why i like sex
What an excellent post! My heart is going out to Annie also. You know my whole first module of the Romance Rescue is called, “Help, my Husband’s Naked and it’s Grossing Me Out!” I think all of us have moments when we’re just not attracted to our spouse, but I can’t imagine saying so to them. Still, I am convinced that all of us can reframe what we are seeing to see our spouse as beautiful and we can change our body’s response from averse to arousable.
way to go with posting this article….i feel very much the same way about sex and so does the wife…we have been married for almost 18 years and we try to have some form of sex 3 times a week….i (james) would like it more often..hahaha wife and i just came off the 7 day sex challenge with tony and alisa dilorenzo…what a great time we had from may 8 th to may 14th… it was great…would advise any on to do that sometime soon….i know the challenge is over but you could do one of your own…http://www.oneextraordinarymarriage.com/
Thanks for being a Christian voice on this topic! It truly angers me that Satan has stolen this amazing invention of God’s and twisted it to serve his evil purposes. I have long believed that Christians need to reclaim this territory. There are so few who will speak Biblically, appropriately, and candidly about sex. My husband and I recently shared on this topic in separate men’s and women’s sessions at a church married couples’ retreat. The feedback was very positive, especially from the women. It was clear that many of the ladies had never been given any sort of Christian input on the topic and relished the opportunity to build the intimacy in their marriages through godly discussion with other Christian wives. To answer your questions, I’d have to say that my favorite thing about sex is the #1 reason that you gave.
Hello Julie, my Fiancée wrote you a letter a few days ago requesting permission for me to use this article. I posted this article on my blog yesterday and is already receiving hits. Thank you so much for allowing us to post this phenomenon article. The part that impacted me the most was reason #1. It tells Satan to get his hands off my marriage. Wow! I never saw it that way! I also posted your information on my Facebook page and blog. Hope to continue to stay in contact with you. God bless! Angel Casiano (angelcasiano.com)
Before reading your post tonight I had been thinking about Proverbs 14:1 Every wise woman buildeth her house… You know that word wise is akin to know, and the word know, well, you know what that means in a biblical sense. This may just be me connecting two unrelated things, but it sure has been working for me. =)
So, what happens when your husband of 8 years has no sex drive or self confidence and won’t suggest/ begin sex.
The devil is driving his claws into me in the form of another man.
It’s only my promise to God that is making me resist.
I’m saddened Birdbrain2007 by your situation… I’m sorry you are going through this. I’m wondering if there are other issues going on that your husband either is in denial about or is unaware of… such as depression, low testosterone, insecurities that are rooted in things he has been hesitant to discuss, etc. I don’t know if you’ve tried to lovingly bring such possibilities up to your husband, but if not, I encourage you to… also to encourage him to see a doctor for a complete physical to rule out any physical possibilities.
If he is unwilling to address the issue, I encourage you to continue to strengthen your relationship with the Lord and to seek wise counsel from other Christian women as to how to navigate and cope.
My husband can give more than 5 reasons why he hates sex. The last time we had sex was 45 years ago on our wedding night. That was the first and last time. After all these years I’m not sure if I even remember what it was like. He even worked the midnight shift to be away from me, and also moved all his things down to the basement. Hes been down there almost 45 years. I been so sad, confused, depressed and ignored. I always hope God will take me away so I don’t have deal with this any more.
for the last couple of posters. If you are believing Christians, and I mean really believers who hold the bible to be authoritative in your life, you have recourse. If your husbands wont seek treatment or counseling, then you can go to your pastor or the elders of your church. Have them counsel and/or discipline your husbands. I’m not saying discipline is the first step. Not at all, but the Matthew 18 process can apply here. Husbands are NOT to deny their wives. This is SIN. Egregious sin.
I’m not saying they are horrible people, but they are defrauding you of your marital rights. Sex in marriage is NOT optional. It is a beautiful right and a beautiful obligation that is promised by each spouse to one another. In normal circumstances it can not be refused or withheld.
I know its embarrassing, but eventually after trying and asking for marriage counseling etc, you CAN go to your pastor or elder board and say “My husband refuses to have sex. Its been umpteen years. Its like we’re not even married. He wont listen to reason. Doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong and I’m at a loss. Please help me.”
This is the same thing an abandoned or an abused woman can and should do.
I don’t know if that helps at all, but I’m trying to convey to you the seriousness of this situation. Its not acceptable any more than if they had been having affairs with other women. They are promised AWAY from others and TO you.
I’m SO sorry for what you’ve gone through.
LS
1 Cor. 7, Matthew 18
Yes! I wholeheartedly echo your enthusiasm! Women need to ‘come out of the closet’ so to speak 😉 There must be so many happy wives who love their love-lives, treasure the intimate times with their husbands, and just flat out enjoy sex. I hate and despise how we as Christians still cater to the stereotyped roles (husband wants sex, wife has headache). If what our Christian culture is speaking (loud and clear) with this continued Victorian-era stereotyping, then my only conclusion is that Christian husbands in general must be pretty lame lovers. lol (Though I would hope this is not true!) I for one am so grateful to God to be married to a man that knows how to love me and I enjoy to the hilt each wonderful time we share that love – from tender, romantic touching in a candlelit room, hearing his sexy voice whisper things that no one else could dare say to me, or dressing to arouse every erratic emotion within…to a mind-blowing, out-of-this-world strip tease with tecno music pulsing in the background, or an oral quicky to top off date-night in the car… we have learned to embrace our sexuality, throwing out stereotyped profiles of what great sex looks like, along with recognizing that “normal” is truly an unattainable mirage (that when you attempt to be, will drive you completely insane because there is no such thing as “normal” – not really. And the definition continues to change depending on who you talk to and how much sex they’ve had lately) Because we are all unique – our love-lives will also look very different – being comfortable in your own skin and loving to the hilt has light our marriage on fire. I like it when people blow the roof off of the notion that Christian women don’t want sex (or ‘should not want sex’). SEX is part of a rockin’ awesome love-life that should be fundamental to healthy marriage. And without strong marriages (and hope for them) there is little ambition to break through the mundaneness of life and truly live as God intended us to be in this world. Sex (and how we view it) has everything to do with our Christian witness, marital health, mental health, parental effectiveness, individual security, and understanding of who God is. This generation we are bringing up (I am a mother to 3 children under 5 years) need desperately to know that their moms and dads love Jesus AND “have it goin’ on in the bedroom.” Christians should have the BEST sex ever – because we have committed to love only one, for life. This should be talked about and celebrated – it’s what we can promise our young people – it’s gonna be worth it… you don’t have to run to the world for great sex.
How do you get there???? I always feel too tired, frustrated, or too many things on my to do list to want to do it. Not to mention the battle in my mind from of learning that sex is dirty. Any help would be appreciated.
Thank you for your comment Meagan. I am a firm believer that unhealthy patterns are usually unintentional… meaning, the things that are good for us (whether it be healthy eating or nurturing our relationships) take intentional effort. The unhealthy way of doing things… usually, we just drift into those and before we know it, that becomes our “normal.”
My suggestion is to have a heart-to-heart with your husband that you really do want to start setting a healthier pattern in your marriage sexually, and that you need to work together toward that. You have to be intentional about carving out the time, not worrying about the items left on the to do list, etc. That’s hard, I know. But anything in life worth having that’s great takes effort. They payoff is worth it. The reality is that when you look back over your marriage, are you really going to be grateful for a completed “to do” list or a clean house, etc? Wouldn’t you rather embrace a marriage and build a marriage that is rich with friendship, laughter, partnership, sex and so forth? Baby steps in that direction and you can set a new “normal” in your marriage that enriches you in countless ways.
As for always learning and hearing that sex is dirty, I encourage you to take those thoughts captive, as scripture tells us. You were fed a bunch of lies, but now you know better. It’s like if all you ever ate for breakfast growing up was Fruit Loops, in your wisdom now you realize that breakfast like that isn’t good for your body. Either is viewing sex as dirty or gross or wrong. I don’t think someone (parents?) intentionally lied to you about sex… they just weren’t working with correct information either or they were feeding you information through their lens, which maybe included negative sexual experiences.
Study God’s Word on sex… seek to replace mis-information with the truth.
On another note, remember that Satan would like nothing more than for you and your husband to have a sub-standard sex life. He can do more damage to a marriage where a husband and a wife aren’t purposely nurturing their intimacy (physical, emotional, spiritual, etc). Take a stand against the enemy and choose to do whatever you can to make your marriage strong.
Pingback: Let’s Talk the ‘S’ Word: Sex « Becoming His Eve
I am a divorced woman of 45 years old. At the time of my divorce I was not a believer but became a Christian 3 years later. I have been waiting for 17 years for remarriage and have not been successful. I have been abstinent ever since. I am slightly overweight and feel very unattractive sexually. When I was married I rarely enjoyed sex and don’t think I ever had an orgasm. I believe my problems were due to exposure to pornography often as a child and possible molestation from my father (I literally can’t remember any instances but 2 of my sisters confessed that they were). I am on Christian dating sites so I do want to marry and when I do I so desperately want to enjoy sex, but feel that I am physically or mentally unable to have an orgasm, and because of my low self esteem (and some stress incontinence issues) feel shy and embarrased about sex. I don’t know where to begin to get help. I would like to fix myself before I meet someone and get married, but don’t know where to begin.
Thank you Ellen for your comment. I do think it is good (and honors the Lord) that you have remained abstinent and that you recognize that sex is for marriage. I’m sorry for the pain of your divorce and the pain of waiting for the possibility of marriage again.
My encouragement is that you focus on drawing close to the Lord and on being healthy, particularly seeking healing for any past exposure to pornography or sexual abuse. Sometimes talking to a Christian counselor can be so beneficial. And there are many great Christian resources out there about marriage, sexual intimacy in marriage, etc… all of which can help you build a positive image of sex in marriage.
Also, be patient with yourself. This isn’t about fixing yourself. It’s about embracing who you are in Christ and truly knowing that you already are beautiful… you already are “enough” … you already are treasured beyond measure. I don’t know whether or not God has remarriage in store for you, but what I do know is that the Lord is pleased with you mightily whether you ever get married again… focus on Him because He is worthy to be focused upon and He loves you deeply.
Find activities you enjoy… spend time with Christian friends who will spur you on in your faith and who you can be support to as well.
If you are concerned about your physical health, find ways to get healthier. Even baby steps matter. I know that is the common suggestion, but it’s true! Whether it’s healthier eating, exercising, finding a physical activity you enjoy… all of this can help boost your energy and your self esteem.
In general, the healthier you can be on your own (emotionally, physically, spiritually), the more ready you will be to unite your life with another person, should God have that in store for you.
Be encouraged!
Honestly…it’s fun!!! God designed it to be fun! I would like it every day (no joke) but we are at a consistent 4 days a week. (We have been married 8 years) It’s wonderful to put aside that intimate time together.Let’s be honest, it’s not like it takes that long! Married people really should find more time to make love in my opinion. My hubby is a new cop, and honestly there are some days I don’t really get to see him for more then 2 hours in a day between overtime, sleeping, and getting ready for the next day… but we still make time. It’s time to say “hello there” in the most important way a married couple can. It’s pleasurable, it’s amazing, what’s not to love and want all the time! There are too many benefits to let sex with your spouse go on the wayside!
I’ve been married for 8 years. My husband loves sex but that is just about it. When he is at home he’d rather spend more time on his guitar, laptop, watching TV than hold a conversation with me. He works all day so naturally we need to converse at some point. He is always shutting me up, walks away mid conversation, doesn’t want to address any issues (here we go again, he’ll say) we have. The only time he says anything nice to me is during sex. He is forever putting me down. How then am I supposed to enjoy, feel close, fulfilled etc to a man I can’t communicate with. In the early days we did a lot of talking & he loves talking to other people, his mobile never stops ringing. There is no room for me and our 2 children. I have to keep reminding him to get involved with them, etc or he’ll loose them when they turn into teens. I am not a light switch he can turn on/off as it suits him or stepford wife. Now I have just completely shut down cause if I can’t talk to my own husband, tell me who am I supposed to talk to. I am praying for us & for God to speak to him. Any other advice would be appreciated.
@Dolly… thank you for your comment… I am so sorry for what is happening in your marriage.
Sounds like you have tried to express to your husband your discouragement and concerns about his lack of involvement with you and your children.
I would write him a letter, sharing again the pain you feel about all of this. Express to him that you want the two of you to have not just a marriage that exists, but one that is really good where you both enjoy solid friendship with each other, great sex, etc.
Sometimes a letter can be a good approach because it can be a springboard into more face-to-face conversation, but first gives the person time to process, etc.
If he still doesn’t respond, my suggestion is counseling. If he is not open to going, I encourage you to go on your own. Not only will this give you the insights and coping suggestions from a trained professional, but it will also show him that you are highly committed to doing all you can to improve the marriage.
There are some books that you may find helpful too…
“How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong” by Leslie Vernick
“10 Lifesaving Principles for Women in Difficult Marriages” by Karla Downing
“Thriving Despite a Difficult Marriage” by Michael Misja and Chuck Misja
I am so sorry for what you are going through. If you do not already have safe Christian women confidantes who will pray with you, listen to you without judging your marriage or your husband, and simply be there for comfort, I encourage you to develop at least a few friendships like this.
Thank you Juliesibert. I don’t feel alone anymore after your encouragement and advice. I will follow it through. I just want us all to be happy, love and appreciate each other. God Bless you.
I just wanted to add that this shouldn’t be something we grumble through. Sex is an amazing thing! I don’t know why society puts so much sexuality on men. Honestly, as a woman I am very sexual. That includes visually too. The thing is though, I keep my visual on my husband. I feel like I could use the men excuse too. I would find it easy to look at men. I think they are attractive. But I don’t, I keep my eyes on my husband only. I don’t buy the whole “looking doesn’t hurt” or “men are just visual creatures” Looking lustfully would be adulterous, so I expect my husband to have the same standards. I don’t care if he is a visual male. I am a visual female. He has the same standards I do. He keeps his eyes just on me as well. Another reason I am trying to grasp how society decided men love sex and woman hate it is this. God didn’t leave out the woman when it came to sex. Ya’ll know what I’m talking about, so I won’t go into specifics… but God blessed our bodies with plenty of places our husbands can sexually satisfy. There is nothing that God made by accident. I wish woman were more sexually free with their husbands. Not sinfully, but in the way He intended it!
Wow! What a relief to hear I am not alone. After two years of marriage and the start of having kids, the sex stopped without me really begging. She never initiates. She says she’s got other things to worry about and sex is not a priority. What this has done to my self esteem has been devastating.. It has made me an angry person and I didn’t even know why until recently. I am still in the same situation and want to quit so bad except I don’t want to hurt my kids and dishonor God.
Nope, you are the only Christian woman in the world that enjoys sex with your husband. The Church has abandoned Gods great gift by demonizing those horrendous fleshly acts. Turn the lights out and get under the covers, DON’T TRY TO LOOK!!!!! You’ll have dirty perverse thoughts of lust! You’re only doing this to have a child!! I SAID DON’T LOOK YOU EVIL PERSON!! DON’T TOUCH EITHER!!! OH MY, YOU’RE GOING TO HELL NOW, MR.!!! NO ONE SAID YOU WERE ALLOWED TO EXPERIENCE PLEASURE!!!
Thank you for your bravery and wonderfully frank lesson on how sex SHOULD BE VIEWED BY CHRISTIANS. But I am through fighting it. God gave me to much testosterone, while giving my wife none.
Women today are more interested in talking on the cell phones and playing candy crush on the internet. I have women throwing themseves at me all day at work and my wife acts like it’s a chore to have relations with me once a month. She lets me know her female friends at church rarely gave sex with their husbands more than once a month. Sorry for venting, but I’m in the bedroom and she is in the next room with the tv going and talking to one of her friends from small groups! So much for selecting a christian woman!
I am 20 years old and I am getting married in a month I am scared about the honeymoon but not about the sex part it’s being naked in front of a man for the first time. the thing is I developed breasts early i was 9yrs when I started getting breast by the time I was 13yrs I was a c-cup I am now a d-cup but they grow rapidly and they (I am so embarrassed to say this) sag so I’m scared for him to see them what if he doesn’t find me attractive he has had sex before which doesn’t bother me (we all have a past) but he has had sex with girls with big breast and their own didn’t sag (I know these girls it’s only 2) so I know he expects mine is the same way what if he is disappointed and/or doesn’t find me attractive that’s my biggest fear. p.s I’m a virgin (don’t know if that’s relevant or not)
@joyce… thank you for your comment. I can understand your concern, but if this man truly loves you, then he is not going to be disappointed in being naked with you.
I encourage you to be vulnerable with him and talk to him about your concerns. My hope would be that he would reassure you, because his love and commitment to you should not be based on the appearance of your breasts.
Also, it would be wise for the two of you to at least have a few conversations about what you envision that wedding night will look like since you have never had sex together.
Great sexual intimacy results from good communication, love, patience and a willingness to learn each other’s bodies. It’s a process and you don’t have to figure it all out in one night or one week, etc.
You may want to get my ebook (http://www.pursuitofpassionbook.com) to read before your wedding night… I think it would give you good encouragement.
I really feel for you, Joyce. Honestly, though, most women’s breasts are a bit saggy – even young women. I know mine always have been. We’re so used to seeing ‘perfect’ breasts in adverts and the media that we think they are normal, and we’re abnormal – but those fashion images are not representative of real women. In fact, a lot of them are fake breasts anyway!
Perhaps it would help you to have a look at an online gallery of real women’s breasts (not a porn site, but a medical information site). I could post a link to one here, if Julie feels it is appropriate (there are also other galleries on the same site of penises, vulvas, etc to show the variety of real people’s bodies. As I say, it’s not a porn site, or gratuitous, but it is very graphic, so I’ll take your guidance on that Julie) – so you can see just how varied real women’s breasts are, and how yours are not at all shocking or unusual!
That aside, most men are just delighted to be in the presence of a pair of real, naked boobs that they can enjoy and play with! They’re not as obsessed with the perfect shape as we women are! And most of all, men are attracted to confidence. So, even though I’m not the most body confident person in the world, and I’m not hugely delighted with my boobs, I act as if they are the most magnificent pair ever, which my husband couldn’t possibly resist – low and behold, hubby naturally agrees! 😉
I agree it’s a great stress reliever. So how come my wife doesn’t think and never has thought so? To her, it’s a nuisance and a stress causer.
At any rate, Satan got this marriage. It’s over. She’s got her own story, as would be anticipated. But my story is: I finally put my foot down about needing and deserving sex and intimacy, not total and complete alienation, ignoring, and devaluing. She moved out almost a month ago. That’s what happens when you put your foot down about intimacy and sex with a “love avoidant.” We are scheduled on Monday with a divorce mediator. She says she will do it this way and avoid divorce lawyers. I hope she follows through this time. She said that last time, then went out and got a divorce lawyer. We threw all our money at divorce lawyers and reconciled at the last minute. I have been married to her for 13 years. This is the 3rd time she has done something like this to me. The first time, I was at greater fault; the last two times, I’m sorry, but it’s on her. When you have to beg your spouse just to be in the same room with you, and plead with her how you would love it if she would come to bed at the same time so we both could pray together, and then she still refuses, and continues to refuse to do such things, or anything intimacy-related at all, but she’s got all the time in the world for others, then yes, that’s on her.
Not having my children with me now, those nights like tonight, are brutal. Just brutal.
And all I wanted was to be held by my wife, be talked to by my wife, and have occasional sex with my wife. A spouse can only be comprehensively, systematically ignored for so long.
The crazy-making part is, if this follows the course of the last two separations, then four or five months from now, if not sooner, my wife will have this bizarre change of heart and want to reconcile. She never apologizes, never admits wrong. She just wants back.
But I can’t do it this time. Not even for the children. Every four years, especially if I get tired of being totally ignored and chronically criticized enough to actually demand more, then she turns on me and tries to destroy me. Destroy me (and us) financially, and destroy me emotionally. I can’t say whether or not it destroys her emotionally because when she goes into this mode, she’s a statue-faced iceberg.
The next two months will be extremely tough. I gotta move now. Gotta come up with money for a new place, then get situated. I won’t say “settled” because it will be years before I’m actually settled again.
It will be mildly interesting to see if she still attends church with her friends. If so, I’m sure she’s painted it so that I am the worst man alive for them. Wonderful.
I don’t even know where to begin with a woman like this.
And let me tell you, when you are in a situation like this, you can’t even play the “what if” game to momentarily console yourself: When you have children with the person, you obviously can’t have fleeting thoughts of “if only I had never met this person, how much better off I would be.” I’m stuck dealing with this person for the rest of my life.
Ugh…
But the children will be a tremendous consolation to me; moreso in the future, though. It’s hard to be consoled when you miss having them around and you are going to bed alone in the house for the first time since they were born.
Near-complete financial disintegration will be accompanying this, naturally. But I don’t even care about that right now.
Folks, there really are people in the world out there, both male and female, who will come on strong and ultra-interested and intimate when you first meet them, and while you are dating—but dear Lord, once you marry them, it really is like they drank a Dr. Jekyl-type concoction and morphed on you before your eyes. Not only that, but there are people who can again, briefly, turn back into Dr. Jekyl when they want to reconcile. They won’t admit fault, not ever will they do that, but they will summon much of that old initial sweetness to lure you back. And then it’s Here comes Mr./Mrs. Hyde again.
Oh, the humanity.
I’ve written Julie many times about life. Its now been 46 years since my husband and I really had words. Well ! today I had left a note my bathroom shower was leaking! I couldn’t believe it how he looked when I invited him upstairs. He looks worst than I thought, he still has the long ugly scraggly beard and hair and now hes lost weight.
Looks horrible, I did try and talk to him about us and he got defensive to leave him alone and don’t talk to him. He did say he would fix the shower when I’m not home, he doesn’t want to be on the same level of the with me. Another wasted year.
Thank you for this post! I am so glad that Christian wives can be encouraged in this area of having a healthy intimate life w/ their husbands! Yet for me, reading this wonderful post has made me a bit sad as I so long for this type of intimacy in my marriage. I have a less common, less spoken about problem: I am the one who enjoys and longs for intimacy, but my husband is rarely interested. We have been married for 9 yrs and have 3 beautiful children to show for it. From the outside looking in, I think people would be shocked and disbelieving that this is the case. We are both young, not overweight, reasonably attractive people (I don’t mean that to be stated in a prideful way, just as a testimony that I haven’t “let myself go” since being married). Our marriage is great in other ways; we are truly friends and enjoy each other, he is helpful, loving (in non-sexual ways), supportive, and a good father. However, i can count on one hand the number of times he will initiate sex per year, and if i initiate it is always rejection. He has a highly physical job and tells me he is just so worn out all of the time. Additionally, he suffered some abuse in his childhood, and i believe this is a major factor. I have encouraged him to get help but he never follows through. The pain of constant rejection from my husband has taken such a toll on my heart, my self-esteem, and our marriage overall. I have expressed my pain over this issue with him, and he promises to try harder, yet it never happens. I feel my youth and sexuality is withering away, and one day he will wake up and realize how many years we have wasted that we could be enjoying our marriage in the way your article describes. It is breaking my heart…
Please help me ! I really want to have sex with my husband but he does not want to. He has shut down on me emotionally. I’m a Christian he is not. I really love him and I’m getting desperate in the past two years and three months we’ve had sex only four times with me having to coerce him the last time was a great disaster . It makes me feel embarrassed, and humiliated. I hate feeling this way I’m 53. Something major happened in the marriage and despite this I still want my husband. He says he feels guilty etc. but not withstanding I still want him to make love with me. Sometimes I feel like I won’t have any sex till I die. Isn’t that crazy ? I give it to God everyday and ask for grace. What else do I do?
This topic really helps cos lots of wives do not know how and what sex in marriage is all about. Some misinterpret it, some abuse it, some cant handle it…
To honour the Lord in all we do(including sex) should be our ultimate goal!
Uhm, I’m not married or anything……actually I’m ninteen and my dad would kill me if I were ever to marry now(not literally of course, but he’d be very disappointed).
Anyway, reading the article as well as the comments, I’m awed by what I see. I’m from a VERY strict home; where we hardly ever bring SEX up as a topic. It’s like a taboo or something…..I understand this but I have a lot of questions to ask about it. I’ve delved into pornography and masturbation but I brought it to God and He delivered me from them. But I still feel that I need to learn a lot about sex before I go into marriage. I’ve had self esteem problems, which fuelled the desire to masturbate, and I feel that I need to put my life in order before I get involved with a man in marriage…….please help!
I promised God that I’d concentrate on my career and the purpose He has for me before I meet my husband but as I’m getting older…..I’ actually getting scared. I’m afraid that I won’t satisfy him and the thought of being with a man(sexually) really freaks me out! Is this normal?
@Ness… thank you for your comments. It sounds like you are wise to want to focus on growing in your relationship with the Lord and in knowing that your identity is in him. I really affirm you for recognizing that you do truly desire to understand healthy sexuality and what healthy sexual intimacy in a marriage looks like. Trust me… you are way ahead of a lot of young people your age who have no interest in understanding what God says about sex.
I encourage you to keep studying the Bible, build healthy God-honoring friendships with other Christians your age, seek out ways to get involved (either in ministry projects, small groups, etc.)
I think it is understandable that the thought of sex is overwhelming to you, but I assure you that you don’t not need to be consumed with the thought that you won’t be able to satisfy your husband. If and when you start to develop a relationship with a Christian man and you both believe marriage is in the future, you will do the mature thing and talk about the importance of sex in marriage and study solid Christian resources on how to nurture that aspect of your relationship.
You can feel confident that the Lord is faithful. He will guide you in this area of sex and will equip you for the road up ahead. In the meantime, focus on rooting your identity in the Lord and finding joy and encouragement from His truths.
Thanks again for commenting! I hope some of this is helpful…
Thanks a lot!
I know I’m probably the youngest person on this site but anyways….I’m happy I asked.
Thank you so much Mrs Sibert and I pray that God continues to use you to open the eyes of christians (Believers!), especially christian women.
I digress from this topic now but I’m much more appreciative, now, of the wonderful union God created called marriage.
Thanks a ton!!!