intimacy, marriage problems, sexual intimacy struggles, Uncategorized
Would You Be Fine With Your Husband Having Sex With Someone Else?
So I’m talking one day to a woman who obviously was very indifferent to nurturing sexual intimacy with her husband. I try to convince her that maybe such intimacy does deserve some of her effort.
Trust me. I always overestimate my degree of influence in situations like these. I am such a renegade.
So, in a last ditch effort, I say, “Well, what if he wanted to have sex with someone else? Would that be okay?”
You can imagine her reaction to that. There was no way it was okay for him to have sex with someone else. In that moment, from where she was standing, I was certifiably out of my mind.
What would you say to such a question? Would you be fine if your husband wanted to have sex with someone else?
It’s one thing if he wants to have an occasional beer with his buddies or go on a fishing weekend with his brother, right? No problem. But sex with the neighbor woman down the road or the hot fitness instructor at the gym or the colleague he’s worked with for years, well… you draw the line, right?
That I’m even posing the question is a bit ludicrous, isn’t it? Some circles want to sing the glories of “progressive” lifestyles like “open marriage” and “swinging,” but the truth is that the prevailing standard most people expect within their marriage is fidelity.
Common sense is really all we need to confirm this. Ask the average everyday wife, and more often than not, we’re all going to say we are not okay with our husbands having sex with someone else.
So, why is it then, that so many wives are just fine with not having sex within their own marriages… with the men they married? The two trains of thought just don’t mesh.
Him desiring sex with you: No big deal. No reason to pay attention.
Him desiring sex with someone else: Very big deal. Very big reason to pay attention.
I have spoken with wives and listened as they rationalize their decision to withhold sex from their husbands, as if such a decision were no different than refusing to iron his shirts or refusing to get the kind of ketchup he likes.
“He just needs to get over it. I don’t like sex. He doesn’t need it. He’s such an animal. Good Lord, can’t he control his urges? Is that all he ever thinks about? I’m sick of it. He needs to grow up.”
And so the story plays itself out. Husbands who want the one thing that they could never justify ethically getting from someone other than their wife. And wives who push such desire aside, as if they’ve done nothing more than deny to wash his car or deny to fold his socks. And even if they do succumb to his pleas every now and then, their motivation is mere obligation rather than a genuine hunger to be sexual with their husband.
These are tough things to shed light on, because if long-established patterns exist within a marriage of one partner denying the other partner sex, such patterns begin to seem “normal.”
(More often than not, it is wives who are denying sex, but the reverse happens too… husbands who refuse to be sexually available to their wives, which is equally devastating and painful).
It should not surprise us that adultery is considered by most people to be the ultimate betrayal in a marriage. Even the Lord Himself uses the word “adulterous” to describe the behavior of His people when they have turned from Him.
Do we really think God just pulled that term out of the air? Or would wiser discernment tell us that He uses such a word so that we can understand the depth of betrayal He is describing when His people turn from Him?
Just to be clear here, I am in no way suggesting that spouses who are denied sexual intimacy from their partners would be justified in adultery. Absolutely not. And in situations where adultery has already occurred, I’m in no way saying that restoration of sexual intimacy within the marriage bed wouldn’t first take an enormous amount of healing and restoration of trust outside the bed.
What I am suggesting is that in marriages where sex has just fallen by the wayside or is a source of contention between one spouse who wants it and one who couldn’t care less about it, there is room for growth.
The simple fact that adultery is so incredibly painful and destructive should reveal to us that the flip side is true as well — nurtured and savored sexual intimacy within a marriage is unbelievably bonding and powerful.
Marriage is a complex creature, I know. But when we agree to embark into such complexity, one aspect to which we are agreeing is that we won’t withhold our body from our spouse. Even better is when we actually enjoy giving our body to our spouse — and receiving their body.
God gave sex to married couples for many reasons. Some of these are pretty obvious, like the creation of children. Other reasons, though, are more subtle but equally valid — like to protect us from temptation, to remind us of our marriage covenant, and to lessen the likelihood that the foundation of our marriage will succumb to pressures that are otherwise fairly minor.
And when both spouses truly value sex and nurture it with fearless abandon, the benefits exceed far beyond protection from temptation. The one flesh mystery is exactly that — a mystery that begs us to never stop trying to discover its depths and its pleasures.
I hear from plenty of spouses who would never cheat on their partner, but they are dying a bit on the inside each day. They would never waver from their marital commitment, but they couldn’t have fathomed such a commitment would be void of sexual oneness.
If you find yourself as the one who is denying sex, there is no better time than now to set a new course in your marriage. Do your part today to entertain the idea that sex with your spouse is worth heartfelt effort.
For more on refinding intimacy, consider this series Sarah Baron is doing over at www.Anonymous8.com (she interviewed me for one of the posts, but there are other posts in the series too, so check those out).
And I recently did a post on “How Much Time Does It Take, Anyway?”, where I share how great sex really can happen in 15 minutes. Also in that post, I talk about this super 15-Minute Marriage Makeover eBook that Engaged Marriage is offering.
So, you tell me… would you be fine with your husband having sex with someone else? I’m just curious.
Copyright 2011, Julie Sibert, Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
I’m sorry Dex for the pain you are going through. There’s no excuse for your wife denying sex, especially if you have made her aware of this and she continues to not set a healthier pattern in motion.
I think, though, of Hebrews 4:13 when you say you withhold affection. We each must give account for our actions:
“Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.”
I’m not at all saying it is easy to take the high road when we’ve been wronged, but I think God continues to call us in that direction.
Again, I am so sorry for the pain you have faced for so many years at the hands of your wife.
Hi, Me and my husband used to have alot of sex and it was good. Then as the years started going by and we were unable to have a baby. I got really depressed. Doctor after doctor test after test and still no results. I’m heart broken and do not want to have sex. I only do it once a week to help keep him around. I just don’t feel sexy or womanly. He says it doesn’t bother him that we can’t have kids. I almost want him to find someone else so that he can experiance fatherhood. I don’t want him to have sex with someone else. But this is tearing our marraige apart slowly. I just don’t know what to do. I want to feel like a woman and there is just something so sexy about being able to get pregnant with the one you love with a healthy baby.
Bey… I’m so sorry for your deep heartache. The pain of infertility is truly so difficult and it is no wonder that it causes further pain within a marriage where sex is concerned.
My heart’s cry for you though is that you not give up on your marriage. I do not know why you can’t have kids, but I do know that your marriage is precious in God’s sight.
Please consider getting some counseling and finding a few other Christian woman who will pray with you and for your marriage.
Express openly to your husband your struggles, but that you want things to improve… you want the two of you to have not just an “okay” marriage, but an incredibly tender and great marriage.
I know it may seem like it would be better if he left or better if you weren’t together, but ultimately I think you would just have more regrets. From what you have shared, it sounds like he has clearly expressed that his love for you is not dependent on your ability to conceive a child. He sounds like a husband worth hanging on to… worth loving well.
Thank you for your reply. I do have a child from a previous relationship that we have been raising together since birth. Every pregnancy me and him have had end very early. We do not know why. I just want to give up. I keep having a little hope everyday and remembering Gods word that all you need is faith the size of a mustard seed. My husband is a good man. I just don’t know why us!
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I shared this post with my wife, thinking it would help her understand, but she took it as a threat and it made things worse. The only thing she got from it was “I’m gonna go get it somewhere else.”
I have never been unfaithful to my wife. I have absolutely NO interest in anyone else. She is the love of my life, and honestly I feel she is the most beautiful woman in the world. I simply want her to understand how harmful it is to our marriage and to me that my feelings for her are completely unreciprocated. It’s like she has an aversion to affection. I’m not allowed to touch her. I’m not allowed to look at her with desire. I’m not even allowed to tell her how I feel about her.
You can imagine how painful it is to be constantly rejected by someone who claims to love you. But the worst part is that she couldn’t care less about it. She doesn’t like sex, or kissing, or hugging, or touching, or any expression of love that requires her to do more than hand someone a credit card… it’s like she’s a MAN!
It hurts that I am married to this wonderful woman but don’t benefit from any of the things I love about her. She is beautiful, but I can’t touch her. Even if I compliment her, she assumes I want something or that I’m just patronizing her. But compliments from others are met with her beautiful smile. She is caring, but she cares about everybody else, not me. As a social worker and a highly empathetic person, she feels the pain of others and wants to take care of everyone and fix their problems… except when it comes to me. She is loving, but only as a mother, daughter, and sister. Not as a wife.
I hate that I have these complaints. But even more, I hate that not only does she not understand, she doesn’t want to. These marriage blogs say everything that I want her to hear, but when I show it to her she thinks I’m just trying to manipulate her into giving me my way. I’ve tried marriage counseling. I’ve tried Bible study. I’ve tried just sitting down and talking to her. I’ve even tried writing her a letter! Nothing gets through. Because she doesn’t care… at least not enough to try to fix it. She says that I’m never satisfied and no matter what she does it won’t be enough. So she doesn’t try at all. Her attitude is that I shouldn’t want her to change anything. I should accept her the way she is, and anything that I have a problem with is just that: my problem.
And she says if I’m gonna threaten her with infidelity (by showing her posts like this one), then I might as well just go ahead and do it. She’s so indifferent that it wouldn’t even phase her.
I almost never comment on these type conversations, not only because it is such a painful subject, but also because I have so much to say I feel that I can never express our situation sufficiently. I am a Christian and I honestly do love God and really want to get this right. I just don’t know why I feel so tricked by God in this situation. I didn’t “wait” until marriage but I really turned down a lot of women’s outright sexual advances (one woman was willing to drive from Florida to Tennessee “Today” just for that reason). As silly as it sounds I just felt like somehow abstaining from random loveless sex would bring me a greater sexual relationship later.
Fast forward and I meet my wife. It was a dream come true. We hit it off immediately. She was so affectionate, and intimate (not always sexually but if I have intimacy I don’t always NEED sex). She even proposed to me, with roses and an engagement ring. I know that sounds weird but I felt like God had rewarded me for being disciplined.
Now she won’t even touch me. There has been no cheating and I am very attentive. I’m not bitter toward her and I love her deeply. I love her so much that I really feel as bad for her that she doesn’t have a deep loving intimate relationship with someone she loves (not sure if it really matters to her but I want it FOR her).
So here I am. I’m the same guy who passed up threesomes just so I could save my passion for my wife and she is playing bingo on her iPhone on Saturday evening after just having turned down my advances. I’m not a “Mad at God” person, but I don’t understand this and I’m going to admit it does damage my faith. I hope that there is healing in this as I am 32 and my wife is 29.
I have prayed so many times to make my wife want to have sex. I have really given up. We don’t kiss, we don’t hug( we’ll i have to start the hug). There is no real affection in this marraige. We have been married 21 years and we have had our ups and downs. I am not cheating on her and i have gotten use to the long periods of no sex. So many times in the past, she would say during some argument we had that all i want her for is sex or something along those lines. I get rebuffed so much that i don’t even try now. The strange thing is that things are better without sex in the picture. i cannot explain why. I guess after you have been beaten down and disappointed so much, you get use to it. I tried talking to her about sex stuff and that has turned out bad. what is even stranger is that if we never had sex again, i would be ok with that.
Wow. You hit the nail on the head. I so wish my wife could read this. I’ve been denied sex for about 7 years periodically and most recently for 18 months straight, and going. It hurts me so much. Discussions about it just end up in fights and blaming. I dunno how she can say I Love You to me and really mean it. If it wasn’t for our 4 young kids I’d probably be looking into divorce. I’m in my early 30s and we should be enjoying each other. I feel like she’s my room mate and not my wife.
How sad that a person who claims to love you can do this. I have been married for 35 years, the best part of which has been an intimacy desert, I mean no hugging no kissing no touching no doing things together, one sided with every conceivable excuse under the sun. When intimate its like a job doing me a massive favor.
I feel trapped, I love Our Heavenly Father and WILL NOT get into an affair, and divorce is not an option. I have been called all sorts of names, pervert, selfish all I want is sex, the sad part is that I feel like a pervert. I have resorted to viewing soft porn on the net, makes me feel like garbage. I have even installed K9 on my computer a program to help stop accessing porn on the net, I constantly prey for forgiveness for this.
The really sad part is my wife reads her Bible every morning and every night. I often wonder if her Bible is complete wondering if books like 1 Corinthians, Titus, Proverbs, The Song of Solomon and many other books pertaining to this are in her Bible.
In recent months I have become resentful, angry and extremely bitter.
Doesn’t a person realize that when you are married your spouse is the ONLY person you can turn to for any affection, oh yes I do have a dog who really appreciates my hugs and attention and reciprocates in abundance.
Hi Julie thank you very much for this website I am truly sorry for neglecting to thank you on my previous post, Your web site, Intimacy in Marriage is extremely helpful. Again thank you and God Bless
I am a woman that is denying my man from having sex. The minute I got pregnant till now. So in calculations our son is 10 months today. I had lost over 100 pounds before my pregnancy and felt like I couldn’t ever show my body. My man is used to having dated skinny hot woman and I never understood why he was ever ever interested in me. I am not that picture perfect woman and well my self esteem is obviously crushed. I dont want sex and now think he can’t wait this long he must be getting laid somewhere else. So now my head is more screwed because I am imagining him with everyone but me. How do I fix this. I feel discussing if he touches me as well as I get anoyed with them daily good morning kisses and good bye and good night. I think its fake and I think because its been so long he is unfaithful. Now this stops me from even wanting anything. Is it possible that a man really loves u enough to stay faithful
My wife is what the shrinks call a “love avoidant,” which means that, not only do I have to beg and plead and mop the floor and stand on my head for sex once every season (3 whole months) if I am lucky, but she also refuses to share any activity with me at all. I have often tried to go on walks with her; she won’t do it. I have tried to garden with her; she won’t do it. I have tried to share ANYthing with her and she will not do it. It is so absurdly ridiculous that she will actually make it a point to almost never be in the same room with me when we are both home together–however, I don’t have to fret much about that, as she also makes it a point to often not be home when I am home. Adding insult to injury, it was her who pretended to be super-affectionate when we first met that won me over. That’s what “love avoidants” do, it is a quite recognizable pattern. Then they quickly dry up and disappear and deny sex and intimacy of any kind. I stupidly have two children with her. I nearly divorced her three years ago, whereupon I had a tragedy in my family that weakened me into going back to her–that, and she was feigning uber-intimacy again. It keeps happening. The children happen during the brief reconciliations. I’ve been tremendously stupid that way. Though I wouldn’t take back my gorgeous children for the world.
Anyway, my wife’s avoidance of me has again got so ridiculously bad that I am a half-inch from finally divorcing her for real. There is no one else. I just would rather be alone than with her. Trust me, being married to someone like this makes you much, much, much more lonely than just being by yourself.
An added complication is that My wife is a compulsive do-gooder socialite type. She exhausts herself doing volunteer services for a few charity type organizations here in town, and them she further exhausts herself making tea and crumpets and biscuits to take to church. She does these things in large part because it takes up time that otherwise would be used to develop an actual relationship with her spouse. Since she is such a people-pleaser, she typically wins counselors and pastors and pastors wives over, to the point where the counselors we have gone to are totally deaf to my pleas and complaints that my wife denies me sex most of the time and intimacy ALL the time. Even when they would suggest some intimacy practicing exercise for both of us, and then the following week I would plead with them that HELLO, MY WIFE REFUSED TO DO WHAT YOU SUGGESTED. CAN I GET A LITTLE MORE HELP HERE?! Then my wife would hem and haw with her gift of gab and the counselor/pastor and his wife would be shmoozed over for another week and my starving sexual needs and my even more starving intimacy needs would just be ignored once again.
Some have suggested I take her out to dinner, just the two of us. We’ll let me tell you, I have already done that more than once, and I am done with that. I finally figured out why that was useless in changing anything: My wife views this marriage as something of a “business partnership” of sorts, and not a marriage. Therefore, for her, going out to dinner was and is nothing more than a business dinner, that’s all.
So I am done.
I am quitting this marriage because I have been abandoned. Her body is still here, but she has been gone a long, long time. Better to be alone than to be ignored like this.
She crazily still wants to stay married. I finally asked her WHY last week. She didn’t know, other than our children. I then asked her to name ONE THING she likes doing with me. She could not. I then asked her to name ONE THING we do together at all. She could not.
This is beyond misery. I have had 13 years of this now.
The only time I feel like a man again in this marriage, ever, is when I reach for that rip cord, that ejector seat handle, that divorce button.
It is literally at the point where the harm that is being done to our children from having them watch two parents remain this bizarrely aloof from one another is threatening to overtake the seriousness of how much they will be affected by a divorce.
I should add for the sake of clarity that my wife also gets angry when I press her for intimacy. It is not like she is just some innocent victim with a mental problem. And brother is she ever controlling in general. She prefers wearing the pants in most things.
She used to be a chef, so to this day I see her clobber herself in the kitchen coming up with creative, impeccable food dishes–mostly for others, not her family. And when I see her be that creative in this and a bunch of other things, and then when I contrast that with how shamefully nonexistent she chooses to be with that creativity in the bedroom, at times by myself I really have wept.
I genuinely am by this point afraid of growing old with her. There is nothing there, and that nothingness is worse than being single.
I used to be a Christian absolutist about divorce. That was until I married a person like this. I wouldn’t wish this on my enemies, but I would wish this situation upon any Christian who is an absolutist about divorce. Ironically, Christians like that are actually facilitating modern radical feminism by taking away the only leverage point a husband has to keep his wife biblically submissive to him.
These days, I am remembering now that the New Testament also says we can handle poisonous snakes and not suffer injury from them. You guys who say divorce is NEVER an option–any of you guys handling poisonous snakes, too? If not, then why not. If you’re gonna be an absolutist, a literalist to that extent, how about a little consistency?
The marriage contract was a CONTRACT to the Puritans and Pilgrims. There are real ways in which contracts are violated that dissolves them.
Anyway, 99% of today’s Christians ought to know about CONTRACTS, because 99% of American churches are in double-minded, unequally yoked worldly CONTRACTS with the secular State. These are called the ungodly State Incorporation and 501c3 Tax Exemption charters that 99% of American hireling shepherd pastors have gone along with. Oh but don’t worry, American churches are not doing anything new. This was already tried in the 1930s in Germany. How’d that one turn out?
This will be my last post. I will have it out of my system by then.
I think I forgot to mention:
My wife doesn’t even touch me. Like, not ever. And she never says any kind of affirming words to me.
She works with a gaggle of “at-risk” teenage girls at the local Teen Center. It is her main volunteer busyness frenetic save-the-world, takes-up-all-time away from her husband thing she does these days. So if she is not gone out to the Teen Center, she has the girls over here. And she works with them in the kitchen, night after night, showing them things, and she converses with them all night as though she was a teenager herself, or as though these girls formed some kind of surrogate outlet for the husband that she ignores. It is weird and I think a bit demented.
You know, I wonder, I suppose this is the point where most brainwashed idiots would say, “well, what did YOU do to make your wife this way.” That’s what kind of a castrating, sick, feminized society we live in: When in doubt, always blame the man. Sure, I get it.
We have been married for 14 years. My knees hurt from praying all the time for sexual relief. My wife is neither affectionate or sexually available. I have tried everything from buying roses to romantic dinners, etc. I would shower and come to bed. My wife would fall asleep before I could get in bed. I would take faster showers, she would not feel well and therefore not in the mood. If she was not sleepy, tired, not feeling good, she would simply say she was feeling clean. Meaning she was too tired to go shower. I would beg God for reason. Why was this happening to me. I have never cheated on my wife, been a great husband and father to our kids. About a year ago I lost my job and things got worse. She lost weight and started going out of town on business trips. She changed how she looked and would use my hair chippers to cut her hair around her lady parts. Our oldest would ask why is mom dressing the way she is. She is wearing clothes meant for a teenager. Short revealing clothes. My wife came home one day after work and said, ” I make all the guys hard for me. It was like getting hit with a brick in the face. If i told my wife she was beautiful, she would say I know. Most people say I am. I use to just fall asleep crying at night. I wanted to leave, but I was worried about my kids and what a divorce w ould do to them. I would beg my wife to work things out. She seem the least concerned how bad I was hurting inside. A typical evening consist of her coming home picking up the cats and loving on them and then loving on the kids and off to the computer to chat or phone with her co workers. After this she checks her emails and watches TV. If she is not up until 2 in the morning, she gets in bed and cuts on the TV or rent a movies for her. She does not talk to me. Like I don’t even exist. If she does talk to me, its about what a poor father I am, or how I did not do something around the house. Mostly just being critical. I eventualy, moved out of the bedroom into a spare bedroom. Never years of neglect, she comes a gets in the bed with me like nothing is wrong. Talks to me and wants to cuddle. I no longer desire my wife in any way form or fashion. When I am around other women I get turned on. When my wife is around it is now a complete turn off.
Also she would often tell me to go buy or rent porn if I needed sex that much and that I was being needy and selfish. That it is normal for married couple not to have much sex. I would buy her things for special occassions (birthdays, anniversary, Christmas) She would not say thank you, I love you only you spent to much, its the wrong size, its ugly, why did you buy this?, its a complete waste of money. It was like she wanted to starve me out emotionally and physically. like she hated me for some reason unknown to me. I have been to a few porn sites, but just to get relief. This is mostly out of desperation. I now no longer want porn just someone who can love me the way God intended. Someone I can love in return. .
Topper my friend, I understand every word you have posted here. I can tell you exactly how this is going to end. It goes like this. If you press harder to get things moving in the right direction, she will go in the opposite direction. Meaning, not only will you be neglected, but eventually, she will find another and hurt you again. I am going through this also. Said she had a dinner to go to. Never invited me to go with her. She got home late and her hair was messed up. I waited a couple of days and tried to have sex with her. She was so sore before I could penetrate her. I asked since we never have sex, why was she sore. She just said its been awhile since we had sex. I knew she was seeing someone else at that point. After that I never touched her again. You are right there are special types of people in the world that are very unhealthy to be in a relationship with. The pattern is to suck you in and then take you through hell. These types of people are sick. They are church going people and will serve in churches and communities functions. They will help any and everyone while neglecting the person whome they are married to. They are unavailable people. No amount of begging are doing effects these type of people. They have no hearts. They feel nothing for the victim who marries them. They are cruel, manipulative, critical and void of compassion. These are monsters of the worse kind. They are attractive and charming. Going to a counselor or other is a complete waste of time. These people will charm the conselor and you wil find yourself fighting a battle of two fronts. if my relationship got better and my wife changed, I would think I passed away from neglect and stress. The best part of all this is that the neglected partner feels most responsible and at fault. The words I have often heard is you must not be doing something right. You did something to push her away. These are all lies. Don’t believe em. Also check you childhood. There is almost a 100 percent chance you grew up in a situation like this. My father was cold and unavailable. I could never please him. I was compared to others and criticized I went as far as winning all types of trophies and metals both athletically and academically. Finished College with both a Math and EE (electrical engineering) degrees. He not once said I am proud of you or anything. Oh he says education and money is nothing. Only God matters and that I was just wasting my time. My younger brother on the other hand was in trouble with the law all the time. My dad rewarded him with gifts and love. Gave him money, a car and shopping sprees. If I asked my father for money he would charge interest. Nevertheless, I have been there for both him and my wife when they needed me. When my wife got dangerously sick I was there. When my father needed money I was there. Neither of these people even know I exist. Only when they need help.
@LonelyTexan:
You are right. Everything you said. I pushed for more intimacy, I put my foot down at last–and she made off with our two children and now she’s gone.
You are also right about my parents. Both of my parents seriously messed me up and tore me apart–especially my mother. The thing I don’t understand is, I really did consciously go out of my way to pick someone who was NOT like my mother at all.
But you know what? I failed where I didn’t suspect it. I picked someone different on a personality type level from my mother, but someone who would nevertheless always fail to give me what I most needed, just like my mother. I had a sound conscious plan; I just got royally undermined by my subconscious, doggone it.
You are wrong about only one thing, LonelyTex: my wife would never have an affair. Never. At least not with another man. She would have to have some microscopic shred of passionate intimacy capacity for that, and she totally lacks that. Actually, it would surprise me considerably less if my wife suddenly started having an affair with another woman. But a man?? Nah–not gonna happen with this refrigerated woman. Years ago, the last time things blew up like this, she gave me a tad bit of a reason to suspect a latent lesbian thing, but when I brought it up and asked her in a counseling session, she got so devastatedly hurt and was crying so vociferously that it was an outrageous thing for me to ask, that I and the counselor both dropped the subject apologetically. But I will tell you what: these days, nothing would surprise me, and I am remembering the Shakespeare quote: “Me thinketh that thou doth protest too much.”
As for your wife suggesting you look at porn for relief, now THAT is truly outrageous. It of course calls her faith into immediate question, needless to say.
My wife divorced me last November. We had a near sexless marriage for 34 years, but we did have three sons who are grown up today. We are both born again Christians. A couple years ago she told me she wanted her own bed with no man in it. I was shocked. She was not interested in sex. Today – I miss the intimacy with her awful. She became difficult to live with. She divorced me while I was trying to save our marriage. She will not remarry. I am so afraid of women now that I don’t dare get involved with another woman. But there is no intimacy in that either. At any rate she did give me the best years of my life. It blows my mind how our marriage ended the way it did.
As a committed christian for many years I can identify with many of the above comments. I have been married to a christian woman for almost 40 years but our marriage has been almost sexless for close to a decade due to my wife’s disinterest. We have discussed it and had counselling but to no avail. I feel so low. I cannot understand how God can expect me to live contrary to my nature…to burn daily and cope with the guilt of inevitable impure thoughts. I know that we face no temptation that we can’t overcome with the Lord. I will not break my marriage vow by divorcing. However, sadly I am now praying that the Lord would end this misery by taking me soon.
Boy oh boy. Where do I start? I also can relate to the above comments.
My story is long but I will keep it short. My wife and I have been married for 11 years and we have 3 kids under 6. We both come from Christian families and we met at Church youth group. She was my first and only girlfriend. In the beginning, our intimate life was full of passion and quite healthy in the sexual department too. But, 4 years into the marriage she had an affair with a work colleague 15 years her senior! I was absolutely devastated! The affair lasted close to a year and she moved in with him for 3 mths at its worst point. Leaving me alone in our newly built home. I cried myself to sleep for many nights and cried a few oceans more. Sadly, during this time of intense neglect, I turned to porn for some sort of release but I felt terribly convicted afterwards as I knew it was sin. When she finally came to her senses, she returned to me as if nothing happened. We had no counselling at all. I was so happy to have her back so We had 3 kids in 4 years. But she has completely lost her libido. No affection no touching, hugging or kissing. Nothing initiated by her. Her reasons were hormonal imbalance after the pregancies but after our 3rd child this pattern continued. I am at my wits end. We average sex once every 4 to 6 weeks and when it does happen it feels like she is doing a chore and is rushed and in the dark. 7 years have passed since the affair and I still feel cheated but now she is having the affair with our kids, the tv, her family, etc. She is a wonderful mother,sister and daughter but not a wife sadly. She doesn’t believe in counselling but I feel I need to go for my own sanity at least.
I can’t tell you guys enough how truly sorry I feel for you. I had to stop reading after topper really. I wonder why your wife’s all seem to feel justifed in it. I know u have tried to talk to them about your problems with it, but maybe you should ask their problems with it. TheY probably won’t be honest at first, and may use reasons as tierd, or its dirty, but u need to get them to talk more openly with you. The real problem isn’t you, it’s them, it’s a problem they have. It may be they secretly are very self concious about themselfs, or that they need to be excited again,or that maybe they have forgotten why they fell in love with you, but what ever the reason, if they are not willing to admit that THEY have a problem, then they probably won’t be able to get better. It’s up to u if u can deal with that, and you need to be honest with out attacking or being bitter, but tell them they have a problem. I can tell you that you as a person don’t deserve this. That you shouldn’t allow yourself to be neglected that way, and it breaks my heart because honestly most men would never stay faithful. Your wife’s are so blessed. They may not see it, because they think it’s ur job to be faithful, but that doesn’t mean all men are. REALLY most men are not faithful, they are just very good at keeping secrets. You guys are facing EXTREME stuff here, alot of men cheat because they can’t be with their wife more than once a week! But please stay true to them, and if u can’t do it anymore be honest and separate first. But try to remind them how blessed they r first. I wasnt, so it’s so sad to see them throw away such a blessing. Your great guys, and don’t feel bad about ur self ok, it really is her problem, I mean something she needs to face and get help for, not urs.
I was the cheater, I have no excuse, I am female and I did not get “that way” in a vacuum. I realize the pain I caused my husband and I’ve paid a huge price for my cheating. Yet he never realized the pain he caused me by denying sex for so long, and by denying me even simple affection outside of sexual intimacy. Funny because he did lots of “trust busting” and did stupid things that hurt the foundation of the marriage (lying, drinking etc), and yet I still desired closeness, I never cut him off, I loved him and was always attracted and “in to him.” I think women get really treated poorly if they cheat, especially if its comes after being denied sex. A man can cheat and people line up to understand, restore and forgive him, and a withholding wife would be easily to blame. I was told to curb my drive, my husband treated me like some kind of pervert, and I was seen as a demanding shrew for wanting sex,. Sex is good and should be expected and enjoyed in marriage. I felt so rejected and ugly. Really my cheating was all for approval and affirmation, after years of being turned down, ignored, rejected, not held, not kissed or playfully patted or complimented…. and sports, television, computer and children were the preferred company for him, not his wife. I was like a neglected puppy, just smitten with anyone who would throw a compliment my way, I was so desperate for affection. No wife or husband should be that empty of normal marital affection. Its dangerous. My then husband never ever acknowledged his neglect, I was vilified for my infidelity and we divorced. I didn’t love the man I cheated with, never uttered those words or felt that, I was only in need of something physical that was purposely withheld by my beloved husband of over 15 years, and the desire to feel wanted by someone – oh how I longed for my husband to truly WANT me, desire me, but he never did. He often seemed repulsed. I was needy and I sought out a terrible alternative to being turned down and rejected, but I think after years of that, I was really mentally screwed up, very f%&*ed up in the head, that rejection can really make you lose your mind. If you think I let myself go, or got fat or am unattractive, that is not at all the case, that’s no excuse for a husband’s neglect, but in this case, I am very attractive and well kept woman, pretty, but it took another man to make me feel I was still attractive. Someone to treat me like a woman, not a roommate. I am remarried now, to a wonderful man, who has continued to court me after marriage, and in him I found a partner who for the past 5 years has never let my “well” run dry. Nor have I refused him the affection and love he richly deserves and desires. Its a priority for us and we make the time, we definitely look forward to it. We have quality and quantity in our sex life . Never going more than 3 days without it, and often 2 times a day on weekends, so adding up to 5-7 times per week. We show love in all the love languages. Its hard to say if the sex is satisfying and abundant because the communication and trust in the marriage is good, or is that foundation good because we regularly willingly come together for intimacy. I think I finally know what its like to have a healthy, growing bond and our sexual intimacy is a huge part of our enjoyment in marriage, it keeps us very close.
Hi! I’ve been working overseas and for years on my job I always find ways to keep in touch with my husband and my kids, through a month vacations yearly, but my husband ask me he wants to have sex with someone just to satisfy his sexual urges, I don’t want to…I want to know why his logic was kind of that…?
@chunli… It would not be biblically right for your husband to have sex with someone else. I don’t know why he thinks this is okay, but it’s not.
“adultery is so incredibly painful and destructive”
I think that many of us can tell you that adultery can’t possibly be more painful then being denied sexual intimacy by the one person in the world you loved enough to marry. The emotional pain from denial of sex (or even just intimate contact) with your spouse is a knife that cuts deeper and farther every – single – day.
If any of your other friends came up to you and said in complete and utter seriousness, “Yeh, I’m not into sex or intimacy and therefore I don’t want YOU to be. Ever. Again. For the rest of your life.” Would you continue to even be friends with them?
So how can anyone think it’s going to workout okay if they take this same position with their spouse.
Yet they do.
My wife is sick in the head. She really does not like sex. She thinks it’s messy. So get this. When I am nice to her and do good things it makes her happy and comfortable. When she is happy and comfortable she wants sex even less. Therefore the only way I can get sex from her I have found is to be a real jerk. Slam dishes in the sink, stomp around the house, be extremely testy over the top so that she doesn’t even have a chance to get on top of the inevitable huge fight. Then you yell at her that “we will be having sex tonight.” That’s the only way I can get it. Because she will only don’t when she absolutely has to, because she is a spoiled little iPhone addict who thinks sex is messy and loves reality television. I hate life and know there is no God because of this woman. I could go on. She thinks Kim
Kardashian is perfect… Says I don’t make enough money… Quit her job to be a stripper… I do 90% of everything around the house and make 50k a year running my own business. She says I should make 150k a year for a woman like her. She is the devil
I have been with my wife for nearly 9 years. I havent had sex in about 10 months. She sleeps in my 2 year old’s bed every night. for the first few years of our relationship we had sex every day, sometimes up to 5 times a day. When my first child was born we were told that we probably wouldnt have sex for at least 6 to 8 weeks minimum because of the birth. we were having sex again within a week. during the week of no sex, she satisfied me orally and I made sure she was comfortable and well taken care of and happy.
Now, if I ask for sex……she shuts me down. I started to use porn to get by. I asked if anything is wrong, and apparently there isnt. The connection between us isnt there anymore and its fading by the day. I want to stay because of the children whom I love more than anything. Just trying to weigh the options if we stay together unhappily or if we divorce which one will hurt my kids more.
I thought this would pass and we’d get back to our usual selves and enjoy and take care of eachother, but we are going on 5 years of sexless. Im considering an affair and try to keep together for the kids.
i havent changed the way i feel about her or desire for her. I am an attractive man, never had problems getting women, Im very social and outgoing. my wife was never the gorgeous model type, but she is so beautiful to me because our connection earlier on. A few friends were surprised when I started dating her because she wasnt my usual shallow ditsy type. She tells me that she loves me and just today she told me that Im gorgeous. I told her I love her too and hugged her. I dont know whats going on.
32 years. I will live the rest of my life unmarried and if I find a woman, great, but I will never lock myself into a nightmare again. Do not worry, I was always faithful, but honestly even my grown kids see what is wrong. I will still be able to have a relationship with them even if I never see or speak to their mother again. My life of pain is about to change.
“He just needs to get over it. I don’t like sex. He doesn’t need it. He’s such an animal. Good Lord, can’t he control his urges? Is that all he ever thinks about? I’m sick of it. He needs to grow up.”
This would be the moment I realized that I had made a terrible mistake getting married to that person. In my over 40 years I have never been unfaithful to either a wife or girlfriend, but nobody has the right to end your sex life because they decide they are over sex.
If she was done with sex, okay, I understand, but I will not have someone make that decision in my life. I’d have no problem staying in a sexless relationship as long as I could pursue sex elsewhere. If my only options were “forget about sex for the rest of your life” or “divorce”, I’d very sadly wish her a good life and be on my way.
I’m so glad my wife loves sex as much as I do! 🙂
I have had this problem with my soon to be ex-wife. I found this page and tried to show her and all she did was flip out about me wanting sex. I final gave up asking. As much as I was addicted to her, when her cat threw up on the top of sofa and I hadn’t seen it, when she came in the room she asked me to clean it up. I said please give me some time to finish my project on my computer and then I will clean it up. She walked away and came back 5 minutes later and started cleaning it up herself, in the process she called me useless, worthless, etc… I said why cant you be patient? She gave no response and so I yelled it hat her. Then she told me to stop yelling, I said NO. She told me to get out of the house. She filed for divorce. We’ve been married 5 years and have no children. She was previously married, I never marrid. When we married, we agreed that we weren’t going to have children, because she was on medication, and she was heading toward menopause. At this point she is past menopause. She just doesn’t care about me. We haven’t had sex in 2 years. I was hurting so bad, I was having suicidal thoughts. After I was put out I started seeing a counselor and psychiatrist.
Good Day! I caught my husband texting someone asking her if she would want to have sex with him, and the girl replied with a YES. This is not the first time he have done this. Whenever I confront my husband he would always deny it and he would tell me that he loves me. Im confused. I have always done everything he asked me to do in bed. We have been together for 16 years. Is he sick? Does he really love me?
I cheated. And he found out. He asked me to move out of the house. I loved him i tried to fix our marriage. There were episodes of blame game and mental torture. The worst was even i did everything he asked me to let him go. I cheated because i was denied of sex. But that’s it. It was only a one night stand. I begged that ill do anything for him to feel ill be faithful. Then he asked me he will have sex with another person but he doesn’t need any approval from me. He will do it anyway. I actually approved to help him see tge untrue things running on his mind. He even assures me he will love me still. Is that normal to allow your husband to do the samething you did? Just for him to find out you are sorry. Now marriage is at risk cause i know he did this for the sake of revenge if he truly loved me he will try to be faithful despite of what i’ve done. I know after this one night stand i can no longer assure myself he will be faithful. I just asked him once their one night stand is done he will be honest to inform me everything and decide if we will continue our relationship or stop it. I dont know what to do. Right now im feeling nothing. I wanted to cry and wish to bring back time and avoid it. I wanted to be strong but i dont know how broken i can be after this. Roght now ill wait for him for his call or message so that we can talk about it.
Having an affair with a Christian man married 26 years. His wife was a virgin when they met and despite his hopes that sex was something she’d eventually become more enthusiastic about, she hasn’t, and has very little interest in it at all. He’s highly sexual, as am I, and know she’s had some of the pressure taken off her in the year and a half since he’s been seeing me. I hate that he’s married, but would never want her to find out or for him to leave his wife for me. I accept the situation for what it is, and want to enjoy him and for him to enjoy me for as long as possible. He’s a hard worker, has made many sacrifices for his family, and is a good man, but human, and after a near death experience, he feels he deserves some sexual satisfaction. If she made the effort, I do not believe he would cheat, but she refuses and he refuses to feel unwanted. It’s no excuse for his adultery, but it is a valid reason.
To Rob:
“I shared this post with my wife, thinking it would help her understand, but she took it as a threat and it made things worse. The only thing she got from it was “I’m gonna go get it somewhere else.” ”
I think if my boyfriend showed this to me, I would be absolutely pissed off. We are not married but in a long term relationship for 3 years (we are 24 years old this year). And I have been identifying myself as someone with sexual aversion for the last 1.5 year. I’ve always liked sex, but my “frequency” of wanting sex is probably around once every 2 years. It only increased to once every half a year since I had a boyfriend. I’ve never told him about it but it has been obvious that I was not interested in having sex. But his definition of a couple is to have sex every single day.
TO HAVE SEX EVERY SINGLE DAY? This is absolutely unacceptable from all perspectives to me. We actually talked about it and agreed to book a hotel to have sex once a month (I don’t know why but I can only feel like having sex in a hotel room.) He has not kept up to his promise and I have been feeling really unimportant and used. Recently he has been complaining to me about his blue balls but every time he tries to get me into the mood, all I can think off is that he wants to have sex and I have to fulfill it. It stresses me out so much that I will just reject him even if I wanted to have it on that particular day. I will rather masturbate than to have sex with him just because I don’t have to meet his expectations.
As much as I want to empathize with you, I am sorry but I cannot do it. I am guessing that your wife probably has sexual aversion as well and you will have to be the one who is more caring to take care of her needs. Yes we sound very selfish but sexual aversion is actually a disorder and trying to get someone with a disorder to do something against his/her will is not going to go well.
This is not a personal attack against you or anybody who enjoys sex on a more regular basis, but you’ll have to see it as a form of disability than a denial of your desire. Which is more important? Treating your wife’s disability or satisfying your sexual desires? I have no answer to this, only you can make this decision. All the best.
I have been married for 7 years and i have been in a sexless marriage for 6 years straight. I am deeply and truly hurt coz my husband keeps having sex every now and then with a stranger, mostly, high class prostitutes. He, at first, had all the “physical” alibis like he cant have an erection. Truth is, he has been consistently having sex with girls whenever he has the chance to.
There are times i feel the love through gestures like holding hands, etc. We dont kiss in the lips anymore. I am in such deep pain. There is no intimacy anymore.
When i caught him several times, he just get back at me and angry with me touching his phone.
Pain. It is like a deep cut in the throat and heart.
I love this man, but i dont want love to turn into hate. Logically, i should leave him, but emotionally, i still love him.
Please help me…
Women AND men should NEVER marry without knowing each other for a few years. Too many people take marriage vows much too lightly. Too many women want to get a man on the hook simply for a meal ticket. THINK before marriage !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why in the world does someone who hasn’t any interest in another choose to be married?! It is cruel and sadistic. Do you really want to cause a person, who you supposedly love, pain every day of their life while with you?! What in the world is wrong with you!
A person who studies the Bible does this? Wow!!!! Wow wow wow!
If I am around someone or something that I dont enjoy I remove myself from that person or thing. It’s like a loud annoying gong. If it continuously offends me then I depart.
If my wife is that banging gong then eventually I will seek out a more comfortable place.
I’ve been married for almost 31 years. I sleep on the couch because it’s just much easier.
I’m looking forward to my youngest getting older so we can split. She obviously hasn’t the ability to display love, that is to say, if love exists at all within her.
Right now, I wish she would find someone else and become his problem or find her happiness, whatever that is to her.
She whines and complains and is the household dictator. The smalles event will trigger her anger. I cannot handle being around her even when that anger is not directed at me.
Sure, you cannot change someone else and I can only change myself…. but why?! I don’t want to change. I’ve given and done everything possible to make our lives good. And believe me, I’ve attempted just about everything to make our marriage decent. You cannot force your spouse to Desire a great marriage. I’m just a worn out door mat. Calloused.
I’ve messed around a few times over the years because I became insane and needed to be desired. It was great! It really put things into perspective for me. I no longer felt like a crazy failure. I wish I’d meet a cool person right now! I’d love to be able to hold hands. Talk. Rub her back. Caress her skin. She and I both initiate! I get to go down on her and she likewise. Someone I can freely compliment. Oh how I miss giving and receiving love!
Ugh
@mich
“Which is more important? Treating your wife’s disability or satisfying your sexual desires?”
It is her responsibility, not his responsibility.
She is clearly living in sin by disobeying a clear command. This sin should be confronted.
1 Cor 7
3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time
When will Church leadership seriously address this sin?
My husband doesn’t want to have sex with anyone; he has God. That’s enough for him and if I don’t like it, well, tough darts.
Yet he thinks I should be just thrilled to see him, should want to sit my behind in church with him, just accept my roommate status with no complaints. He wasn’t always like this. But now he has God again and has found a church where he is “happy”. He asked me to accompany him to a “volunteer appreciation” luncheon at his church so I can witness the wonders of his ecstasy at finally having found a church that makes him “happy”. All this while he busily works away at making me miserable so I will someday turn into the “happy little homemaker” who never argues with him. He always said his next wife will be mute. I have no intention of going to this luncheon and hearing about just how marvelous he is and how “lucky” I am to have such a “loving, giving, caring, CHRISTIAN” husband. I am not going to facilitate his myth of what a happy, loving marriage he has. The church members must be curious as to why I am never with him at church; hence, his invitation. Maybe he wants me to put in an appearance so they will know I actually do exist. He is no longer a husband; he might as well as be a monk. Nothing carnal for him. So much for his holiness.
“Affection” from men means “sex” – “affection” from women means actual love – “hugs, gentle kisses” etc. Not lust. Not looking for an orgasm at the end of an instigated hug. It means being loved for YOU – not your hole. Not something for the man to masturbate inside, because he’s horny. When all you give your wife are sexual advances – she realises you see her only as a hole. You are just one more thing in her life that needs “looking after”. Another child. She is something for you to masturbate in. That’s it. All a woman wants in the long run is to be loved for HER – because in the end, you as a male, as evident in these comments, would be wanting to bone whatever female you were with/married to etc. To the wife, when you want to sleep with her, it is because you are horny – it is NOT because you love HER, because you would act exactly the same way with whatever you were dating. THAT is why women go off sex. We have so, so much else to have to organise in the house. Work, WIth children etc. And a man’s sex drive is just one more thing on the list we need to “look after/take care of”. It has a massive detrimental effect of a relationship from the view of a woman. Maybe if you hugged us without expectations of sex, you wouldn’t feel so hard done by that your wives are depressed at the thought of having to service you, too.
Miss Claire,
And when you do all of that for 32 years to NO avail? Then what?
I am married to the female version of Miss Given Up’s husband. Modern “gnosticism”.
No escape but death. Feels like it happened a long time ago now. Maybe I should change my Web name to zombie because that is what 32 years of “wedded bliss” has felt like. She probably should have become a nun.
Try 15 years with no sex and sexless 29 years before that! We had Christian premarital counseling and sex starting out was just OK—-one position and unimaginative. She thought sex was only to have children, otherwise, perform out of duty (a dirty, messy act). It really slowed after 2 children and the resulting weight gain, stretch marks and varicose veins. Sex stopped completely after cancer took both breasts. Ashamed of her body, it’s undress in darkness and no touching my legs or chest.
I looked forward to a “normal” sex life but have been hugely disappointed. The one flesh concept was as short-lived as a fleeting summer day quickly replaced by the cold winds of fall to be followed by an icy winter that never ends!!!