authentic, intimacy, sex, sexual intimacy
Don’t Wait for “Someday” to Nurture Sexual Intimacy
First, I need to give a shout out to Jim and Carrie Gordon over at www.the-intimate-couple.com. They recently ran a guest post I wrote on why Nurturing Sex in Your Marriage is So Great for Your Kids. I hope you enjoy it.
I speak with many women who want sexual intimacy to look healthier in their marriages, but they think there will be plenty of time “someday” to actually walk in that direction.
I recognize that there can be a broad spectrum of how healthy or unhealthy a marriage is. And sexual intimacy can be one of the most challenging to nurture. My encouragement is that even little steps to nurture your marriage in general can help lead to conditions for sexual intimacy to be nurtured as well.
Fortunately, you don’t have to wander aimlessly in this pursuit. There are many resources aimed at helping you strengthen your marriage. My advice? Glean from various resources you have found that you respect and trust. No one source is going to have all the answers, and you likely will not agree with everything from one particular author, ministry or resource. This is okay! Glean, glean, glean.
I have some resources listed on my site, but this is just a sampling (I’m always on the look out for more, so if there are great resources you would recommend, please email me at jksibert@cox.net). Also, I give away a FREE MARRIAGE BOOK every month, so don’t miss out on how you can be included in the random drawing.
Remember… little steps can lead to big changes over time. Don’t wait for the elusive “someday” to just show up. Instead, walk in the direction of health.
We never stop learning how to be married. Make it a lifelong pursuit to love well.
This is so true! “We never stop learning how to be married. Make it a lifelong pursuit to love well.”
How many times has my wife told me “We can do THAT later….” We can do THAT on the weekend….” but on the weekend, it was always “Next weekend” always. I’ve heard “We’ll see” for 19 years. Just heard it yesterday. “We’ll see” means No. It means we won’t see………My youth has been wasted waiting to “see”.
Spring has passed,and the summer has gone. The autumn winds are blowing and still she says “We’ll see”
Sorry to hear that, “landsooner”.
This is one area where a bit of brutal honesty helps. If her rejection makes you angry or resentful or is very damaging to your sense of self-worth, it’s OK to say it. It’s the truth, after all. You’re just showing how you feel. Mind you, the trick is to stick to explaining what her actions are doing to you, rather than going on the offensive and accusing her of being “frigid” or whatever.
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To Landsooner and Michael Wong
The problem with all of this is that the hurt imposed on one spouse by another is never evident to the other person. If it is evident, and they do it anyway, there is an even bigger problem. However, I think a low drive spouse just doesn’t understand the ramifications of rejection, the fact that they aren’t saying “No” to sex. They are saying “No” to the entire person, to the marriage, to the essence of belonging, one to another.
As Dr. David Schnark says, “The low desire partner always controls sex.” I would assert that the low desire partner controls the relationship. It puts that person in a comfortable position of being able to say no to any number of things, without discussion or argument. They control the innermost center of the other person, the deepest passionate need to connect with their spouse.
I think for men, sex=love / acceptance. I think we as men know our wives don’t mean rejection to amount to this, but if you wait for marriage, you think the “spigot will be turned on”, and sex will happen frequently and lovingly.
This is only true if the wife had a desire for intimacy, and was just waiting for marriage as a moral or religious requirement. So often, I think, women hide behind this idea, and then “get the ring”. Once married, “Oh, I really am not into sex.” The man is then left with the idea that he might convince her, but this is a flawed proposition.
Turning that around is a great goal, but hard to achieve. I’ve tried, for years and years. And years. I’ve read lots of books, and have encouraged her to read a few. As health concerns have mounted, I recently told her, “I have a book I’d like us to read together.”
Before I even got the words out, she said, “I’m not reading another marriage book.”
I said, “Oh, sorry. I wanted us to read this diet and exercise book.” (It really WAS a diet and exercise book.)
I was so hurt that she automatically assumed I was trying to get her to read, “Oh horror, another marriage book.” I was hurt that it was so abhorrent to her. What a blessing it would be if SHE would find one herself. But you see, it isn’t her job. Her job is to pretend that she is “put upon” every once in a while to “acquiesce” to sex.
Do we need help? Yes. But if there is only one person who needs it, “we” don’t need help. I’m the perve who wants to make love to my wife.
My heart goes out to Landsooner. To Michael Wong, I guess I have to say, “Brutal Honesty” just makes the man look weak and “pu%%y” whipped. YOU need something SHE may deign to provide once in a while. If YOU jump through enough hoops. Again, as I said, “The low desire partner controls the ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP. ”
Sorry to be so blunt.
I agree with OlderMarried. I have been with my husband for 6 years and married for a little more than 1. We have reverse roles though. I am the one feeling like something is wrong with me, insignificant, and a perve for desiring my husband and the feeing not being mutual. He says hes happy, he doesnt want to be anywhere or with anyone else. Yet he isnt sexual with me very often either. When he is I feel as though its being done to quiet me up. Which also makes the moment lack any passion. Ive talked with him. Ive explained how it makes me feel when we dont have this connection. It doesnt change anything. I honestly feel empty inside and dont know how to fix this. We were very active before, until we got married, then we hit a road block.