Intimacy in Marriage

Encouraging Christian Women toward Healthy Sexual Intimacy

3 Ways to Improve Your Boring Sex Life

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Okay, I should start by saying I'm not too crazy about the phrase "sex life" ...

...because really, don't we just have one life with a lot of moving parts?

I'm a woman, so I don't have all those little boxes in my head where I can compartmentalize the intricate details of my life. To me, everything is connected, and the phrase "sex life" sounds like it is camping out in its own little box.

Which it isn't.

Even so, the phrase "sex life" sometimes comes in handy when writing a headline.

And I hate to break it to you -- this might come as a news flash -- but bloggers have to get clever with headlines and leads to get their stuff read.  (That's the journalism major in me. When I worked for a daily newspaper, I used to write my leads each morning in the shower, if you can believe it).

I'm digressing (like you really care where I used to write my leads).

Let's get back to 3 ways to improve your boring sex life.

When I speak to women's groups, the gals usually want some tips on improving things in the bedroom when sexual intimacy has just kind of been pushed to the back burner (or moved completely off the stove, in some cases).

  • How do we get back on track?!
  • How do we start enjoying sex again and make it a priority?!
  • How do have more fun sexually?!

Let's face it -- sometimes the lack of arousal and intimacy isn't because of really horrific and painful experiences and betrayals in a marriage.

Sometimes the desire has waned simply because schedules got busy and full and wee little children or demanding careers or annoying family members are sucking the life right out of you.  (Hmmm.  Did I just say all that out loud?)

You know what I'm talking about, so here are 3 ways to improve your boring sex life...

1. Start small.

By "starting small," what I am referring to is your affection with your clothes on.  Instead of thinking you have to instantly rejuvenate things in the bedroom, why not begin by increasing the ways you touch outside the bedroom?

Is it just me or is fascinating to you how two people whose lives are so intertwined and who even occasionally see each other naked or get naked together can rarely or never touch each other when clothed?

I'm a big fan of appropriate public display of affection, but I think there's also something to be said for the ways we casually express affection within our own homes.

Here are some ideas...

Holding your husband's hand... even a brief squeeze to say "hello!"

Hugging him...

Lightly touching his arm...

Coming up and hugging him from behind...

Kissing his neck...

Running your fingers through his hair...

Kissing him passionately for no reason at all...

Sitting close to him on the couch...

The point is to physically touch him in a way that conveys, "Hey, I'm glad you're my husband. And I'm glad I'm your wife."

These little touches build closeness that lends itself well to more intimate sexual connection.

When a couple becomes increasingly comfortable with giving and receiving affection while clothed, they begin to intuitively understand the significance of such touch.

Sure, this may seem awkward at first if you are not used to touching each other, but I really think if you can push through that awkwardness, there are great rewards on the other side.

I've long believed that the way a couple touches with their clothes on says a lot about the depth of their intimacy and vulnerability when their clothes are off.

2. Try something new.

I know, it sounds like I'm playing the "creative sex" card.  But really all I am saying is that if your sexual intimacy has become so predictable you could do it while you simultaneously read "War and Peace," then there probably is some room for expanding the sexual repertoire.

You don't have to go wild (unless you're in to that sort of thing).

Maybe buy some massage oil and give your husband a nice long massage... and ask for one from him.

What about a bit more time spent on foreplay...

Or maybe a new position or new way of touching sexually...

Ask him what feels good, and show him what feels good for you.  Show him ladies, and allow him to teach you, because sexual intimacy is too vital to leave to "mere chance" that you each will stumble upon amazing arousal.

The point is that even a little change up in the bedroom can enlighten you to new depths of oneness.

3. Stop settling.

This seems like an obvious statement, but maybe sex has become boring because you and/or your husband have settled for it being this way.

How's that working out for you?

If you and your husband both think there is room for improvement, then get to improving baby.  Make it a priority.   Stop over-booking your calendar.   Push the unfolded laundry off the bed and have some fun re-connecting sexually.

There really is never an "ideal time" to improve sexual intimacy.  Your life is messy, which of course puts you in good company with... let's see... the rest of the world.  Somewhere and somehow -- as you're wading through all that chaos -- ya gotta find a way to spend time in each other's arms.

At some point, we all have to draw a line in the sand and decide if the benefits of walking in the direction of better sex are greater than the detriments of staying stuck in mediocrity.

Any other ideas on improving a boring sex life?  Please, please, please... comment and share this post so that we can be Christians who are all about encouraging one another.

Copyright 2012, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

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March 29th, 2012 by