Intimacy in Marriage

Encouraging Christian Women toward Healthy Sexual Intimacy

Little Irritations are Killing Your Sex Life

So I was cruising through my favorite bloggers and came across this post by Lori Byerly titled Irritations and Peeves with Collars.

Fabulous post by the way.

Short and to the point, and chock full of wisdom.

Essentially, Lori points out the importance of having awareness of what irritates your spouse -- and doing what you can to alleviate those irritations.

I know that irritation flows both ways in marriage.

Honestly, I think marriage is one of the hardest gigs around. Bar none, if you want one of the most refining experiences of your life, it is marriage.

(Parenting would be either a close second or a tie for first).  And whatever is third wouldn't even be a contender.

If you agree with me that marriage is hard, simply say "amen sister" silently to yourself right now.

Because sexual intimacy is part of marriage, it stands to reason that it isn't going to always be a smooth experience either.

We women are indeed like cooked spaghetti. If you've heard the "men are like waffles, women are like spaghetti" analogy, you immediately know what I mean.  If you haven't heard it, here's the brief explanation:

Everything for a guy has its own "box" in his mind.

Marriage. Work. Sports. Sex. Kids. Lawn mowing. And so forth.

And rarely do the contents of one box spill over into another.

Apparently, they have a "nothing" box too, which my Beloved confirmed is true.  The nothing box is essentially that -- they go there to think about nothing. (The waffle is full of little individual "boxes" so that's where the waffle comes in).

Everything for a gal is intermingled (like cooked spaghetti).

If we have an argument with our husband, this spills over into how we feel about the rest of our day. If we had a great time with our kids at the beach, this may impact how we feel about life in general.

When we are planning the 1st grader's class party, we simultaneously are sorting the details necessary to pull off the neighborhood potluck.

Sexually speaking, it's the reason why a woman can make love to her husband and think of a million other unrelated details at the same time.  And a man can make love to his wife... and think about absolutely nothing else but sex.  The argument you had earlier? Makes no difference to him if you are willing to get naked when bedtime rolls around.

When it comes to marriage and to sex, is it any wonder that a husband and wife sometimes aren't on the same page?

(Okay, I was being generous with the word sometimes.  Maybe for a lot of us, it would be more accurate to use the word often).

So, back to Lori's point about trying to have awareness of our spouse.

Mind you, this is hard work too, because you have to really pay attention to the nuances of your spouse and your relationship -- and there are no guarantees he will do the same.

BUT -- and this is huge -- when we take the time to do this, the payoff is amazing.

The more we can approach our spouse (verbally and non-verbally) with a posture of compassion and understanding, the more likely it is that the Lord will indeed give us eyes to see and ears to hear the essential information that could revolutionize our marriage.

My husband's idiosyncrasies get on my nerves at times.

But hey, I'm no saint.

And with each passing day, I'm learning what it means to live out "one flesh" -- what it means to extend grace, to be intentional, to ease the burdens of the man I love.

The guy you sit across from at dinner and crawl into bed with each night? He isn't just a roommate.  He's the man you married.  And part of marriage is sex.

So could more awareness on your part actually help soften you to him?

And if you are softened to him, could this help make sex more appealing -- maybe even, dare I say, downright sacred and enjoyable?

I gotta give a shout out to Lori Byerly for spurring my thinking on this one.

I value her opinion. And I value yours.

So get the dialogue going.  Throw your comments into the comment section.

Share this post with married people you care about.

And be on the look out today for ways you can better know your spouse.

October 5th, 2011 by