You should know that I am fairly average.
I start with this point because people have a tendency to think that because I am a Christian wife who loves sex (and talks about it nonetheless), that there is something quite extraordinary about me.
I am actually a very real person, complete with a whole slew of indecisions and shortcomings (as I am sure quite a few people would stand in line to point out).
I thought I would share a bit about myself so that you can get a glimpse at how real I am — I mean, without having to actually stop by my house and see me yell at my kids or get all gloomy about the impossible-to-hide reality that I have kitchen floor linoleum from the early 1980s.
I am completely secure with the reality that you may reach the end of this page thinking, “Now there is 2 minutes of my life I’ll never get back.” But who knows? Maybe we have some things in common. Maybe we are kindred spirits. Maybe your kitchen floor sucks, too.
I can eat my weight in hot salsa.
I share a food characteristic because… well… I love food. If I didn’t have the glamorous jobs of helping my youngest son find his “really important” Lego dudes and making sure everyone has clean socks, I would probably be a chef.
Well, not like one of those chefs on the Food Network. More like the chef on “A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving,” where they served things like jelly beans, popcorn and toast slathered in mounds of butter. In all seriousness, though, I do make a killer cheesecake. Genuine cheesecake. Not like the kind from the box.
I grew up in the era of Big Wheels, Holly Hobbie and the original Smurfs. I rode in the back of pick-up trucks. I watched “Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom.” And “The Six-Million Dollar Man.” I can remember where I was when Reagan was shot. And when the Challenger blew up.
I remember penny candy, Orange Crush pop and grocery stores where clerks rang up items with their fingertips instead of a scanner. My first and only video game system was an Atari. My best friend in high school had a “party line.” For those of you too young to know what that is, let me assure you that the word “party” is a bit misleading. There was nothing fabulous about it for two teenage girls who wanted to talk endlessly on the phone.
I was a painfully shy redhead who never really fit in.
Not a star athlete.
Not a popular girl turning the guys’ heads.
Not a stylish dresser.
Not at the top of my class academically, but still smart enough to not give my parents or teachers cause for concern.
I was editor of my high school newspaper and copy editor of my college newspaper. I still miss college occasionally, even though it was where I made a lot of foolish choices like losing my virginity and drinking too much and not applying for more scholarships.
I could be in the worst mood and then be completely cheered up by the movie “Grease.” It is just the right mix of dorky and endearing, plus all these songs that get stuck in your head. You’re starting to sing them right now, aren’t you? I love that movie! Never mind that it’s a bunch of 20-somethings and 30-somethings playing high schoolers. (Kid you not, Stockard Channing was 33 when that film was made).
I am totally not a numbers person.
The one and only time my son asked me to help him with his math homework, it was all I could do to not grab the calculator and put us all out of our misery. Hey, if everyone was a numbers person, sure, we’d have balanced budgets. And a bunch of incomplete sentences and dangling modifiers. (Yes, I know… that last sentence was incomplete. Trust me, the irony is not lost on me.) I could find errors on a restaurant menu. Just don’t ask me to figure the tip.
I love office supply stores, where if I were given just a little bit of financial leeway, I could become a financial disaster. You’d find me there, sheepishly buried under shiny paper clips and plastic boxes in all shapes and sizes.
I know how that whole “second cousin once removed” thing works. Really, I do. I could explain it to you right now if you asked me.
I gave birth the first time with an epidural and the second time without an epidural. Let’s just say I pretty much flipped out second time around. I don’t think I went insane, but I could see “insanity” from where I lay. Kind of like how Mrs. Palin can see Russia from her front porch.
I love behind-the-scenes facts… like how much milk a family of 12 drinks in a week or how many hot wings that Buffalo Wild Wings place goes through on a Friday night. Stuff like that completely fascinates me.
My most impulsive decision was when I declared we should get a German Shorthair Pointer puppy. What was I thinking?! These things have the energy of Border Collies and are almost as smart. We are now spending our children’s college funds on invisible fences and a lifetime supply of rawhide bones and squeaky toys.
On my iPod, you are just as likely to find Bette Midler, Norah Jones, Fleetwood Mac, the Eagles and Johnny Cash as you are to find MercyMe, Amy Grant and Steven Curtis Chapman. Maybe even some REO Speedwagon and Air Supply thrown in just to keep things nostalgic.
If I could have a conversation with a “famous” person, it would probably be Diane Sawyer or those guys on that show “American Pickers.” My husband and I find that show incredibly interesting. I’m not ashamed to say that we put off having sex one evening so we could watch another episode of “American Pickers.” (And we like sex a lot, so that should tell you how mesmerized we are by this show).
I came to know Christ personally as an adult, and what I most appreciate about Him is that He understands that I have a lot of loose ends on which I’m still working. He gets me.
And He doesn’t ask me to have everything all figured out right at this moment. He’s sold-out in love with me, and I am sold-out in love with Him. That’s a good foundation on which to keep building, which we’ve been doing since about 1995.
If you are one of those Christians who has it all figured out, more power to you. I doubt I would be able to wow you in any capacity, but I’m confident God would still eat nachos with both of us.
I speak and write about sex because God told me to. And because sex was a mess in my first marriage. A painful source of disconnect and frustration for both of us. I speak about sex because frankly I treasure how tender, sacred, endearing and fun it is in my current marriage. Absolutely indescribable.
I know this may come as a shock because I’m so comfortable talking about sex, but the truth is that trying to shed more light on God’s intention for sex does not come without costs. My marriage regularly comes under attack (Satan isn’t too thrilled about anyone who speaks favorably about one of God’s gifts). I’m not implying God isn’t up for the challenge of that kind of spiritual warfare. I’m just saying things are not always easy.
I know that many married couples are hungry for someone to speak authentically into their journey. I don’t have all the answers. I do, though, have a lot of heart committed to offering hope so that others feel less alone in their journey.
I speak about sex because I love the Lord, my husband and my kids. And I want those kids to grow up with God-honoring and accurate information about sex. In my most optimistic moments, I imagine my future daughters-in-law will thank me. Maybe they’ll even feel comfortable talking to me about sex (Or maybe they’ll find that just plain weird. I’m not sure.)
In speaking openly about sex, I’m just trying to do my part. It’s not heroic. It’s not noble. It’s not over-the-top. I’m just one voice among many voices trying to get at the heart of what’s really happening behind closed doors.
Want to know more about what I believe with regard to sex? Check this page out. And you could read a post I wrote called 4 Confessions from a Sex Blogger.
If you have a topic you would like me to address in my blog, don’t hesitate to shoot me an email at jksibert@cox.net. If you want, follow along on my blog for awhile with the RSS-thingy and check me out on Facebook and Twitter. I update all that stuff just enough to be helpful but not nearly enough to be annoying.
Okay, if you’ve made it this far, all I have to say is “wow.” I’d rather talk to you than to Diane Sawyer or those guys from “American Pickers.” Seriously.
17 thoughts on “A little bit about me…”
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Love your writing, and am delighted to have found this subject so openly discussed in a Christian manner. I would be more interested in hearing about how to manage sex with a case of lichen sclerosus … a dermatological disorder that leaves the vulvar tissues extremely thin, leading to very painful physical contact. For the last 7 years of my 8-year marriage, to be exact. It’s really becoming a problem, and all the gyne says is that she has lots of women who still manage it.
Great thoughts
I just stumbled upon your page right before heading off to bed. One hour later and I can’t fall asleep because I’m so excited to read EVERYTHING on your blog. Not to mention I have a very busy day at work tomorrow and was hoping to go to bed early so I can wake up early as well. Fail! I can’t wait to continue reading but I seriously need to go to bed. Ok, just one more article! Thank you for your wonderfully transparent, classy, and Godly diologues on a normally and historically ignored topic among Christians and within the church.
awesome stuff
After reading through some of your blogs, I feel worse than even. I don’t want sex, I have no desire for sex, and after 30’years of marriage I preform my wifely duties because I know it’s important to my spouse.
Which leaves me feeling used, unfulfilled and dead.
I can understand the theory of your books. I’m unhappy, he’s unhappy. He doesn’t get the whys! do you have any books that are geared toward the men?
I was recently married for the second time and didn’t anticipate sexual problems but they have come up quickly. I feel a bit intimidated because he has had so many more experiences than I. Also, he has enlarged prostate and either that or age, he is 59, is keeping him from being able to perform. He seems to want to try almost every night, I think touch is his love language, but I just don’t know what to do with all these issues and they are making me feel less enthusiastic than I was in the first few weeks. I want sex to be the beautiful gift God intends and for us both to enjoy it immensely. I am getting scared though because I feel badly he can’t be satisfied completely and it feels selfish when I can. It’s starting to make me want to avoid sex but I know that’s not a solution. We are both Christians and we are trusting the Lord with this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I was encouraged to find your website and to read your story and find you are also in a second marriage. You offer much hope and encouragement and a place to ask questions and to grow in our intimacy. It’s just a subject that is hard to find the right person to ask for advice from without feeling like you are betraying your husband’s confidences. Thank you!
Sarah Palin never said she could see Russia from her front porch; that was Tina Fey being her usual unfunny douchey self. Let me guess who you are voting for this November.
First of all, thank you.
Second, I’m disapointed to have learned how many marriages are without romance. I can only think it is because of laziness, and thinking It Is just to much trouble, when it is much easer to have you’re pleasure moments met by some form of electronic entertainment, food, ?.. I have always thought of the importance of a romantic marriage, even beyond the physical pleasure,as the seamenting of each other closer together, in your partnership of life.
I’ve heard so many teachings, to a point where I don’t want to hear anymore, where the man is made light hearted of being the weak one that has to tern to porn or drinking or whatever. And the wife has to put up with this, and be strong, so on and so on.The pastor my wife and I are learning under has come the closest to being brave enough to say that the wife has responsibilities in this mix and isn’t the insolents and that 1 Corinthians 7:1-5. I seem to be the only husband that can say aloud, this is such hypocrisy but it can’t be said without people leaving the church. Which seems to prove my point. The husband can’t say what he thinks of this issue, they just look at me and roll their eyes.
My husband is the one who won’t have sex. The trouble started Night 3 of our marriage. I am his third wife. He cannot relay any of his feelings, he says he doesn’t know what they are, and he has multiple psychologically/neurologicaly abnormal behaviors. I did not know him well when I married him. I am 12 years younger and angry…really bitter now. We have been married 6 years. My only marriage. I live like a nun. He won’t deal with anything. Therapy has been to no avail. I would leave but I am now completely financially dependent. What a mess. How do I cope? I wish I could talk to other women in this kind of situation so that we could affirm one another. It is so devastating to my self image to be treated like this by a man who is supposed to be my husband. I do not believe anymore that anything will change him. So how do I deal? I am 58 and on the shelf.
To add to my post, my husband has been diagnosed with ADHD and possible autism spectrum disorder. He showed “sexual abnormality” on his testing, that needed further investigation. My husband verbalizes that being vulnerable to another human being is weakness. When we did have encounters, it was as if I was an object and he was hiding behind a wall.
10 years! In my case is how long a couple can go without having sex. The last time we had sex was on our 20th anniversary. My husband would have sex every single day if given the chance. I want to have sex but I don’t have the “DESIRE”. There is a good bit of baggage that goes with our marriage, but all in all, I doubt any of it could stop us from having sex if I really wanted to. I guess I’m saying I want to want to have sex. I believe my husband has given up on believing we ever will have sex. I can feel him pulling away. I think it has affected his compassion toward me as a person. He is a pastor and has been one for 27 years. I can tell that our lack of sex is even affecting his preaching and pastoring……he has developed a indifferent attitude. I could so use your advice. Please know that we both have prayed for a renewed sex life many times, but still feel no guidance.
I LOVE that you write openly and respectfully about sex. It is a gift. Thing is it’s the gift that keeps giving but so many people in marriage, men and women, fall away from each other for varying reasons and it takes a toll on how healthy their sexual relationship is.
I think you’re a lovely writer and kudos to you for taking on this job.
This blog is exactly what I’ve been looking for! I love your candor, and it is super fun to read! Hubby and I have been together as a married couple for almost 12 years, and while we’ve had our bumps, I’m very happy with our sexual relationship. And, getting older is looming, and I feel like I”m the one that needs some more….education? Looking forward to sharing the blog with him. Sharing your feelings, concerns, fears, and even past experiences (good and bad) is part of being a strong couple; a marriage with any secrets at all is at risk of failure. Have a concern about a past partner? Ask about it. Let your partner share the details, it isn’t taboo. It’s all part of the intimacy lesson.